Now go shopping!

Happy Holidays, from Jeremy’s Sametime Status!


Thanks, Jeremy's Sametime Status. Happy holidays to you, too. Jeremy, on the other hand, can shove it.


Hey now!

So anyway, today is a special day. It marks not only the end of the week, but the end of the year in terms of Sametime Status updates. I'll be on vacation next week, and coming back after Christmas, but since nobody's at work that week, there's not a lot of point using my best Status material when nobody's around to see it. So, join us in 2011, when we start a brand new year of Sametimey Goodness here on Jeremy Is In The Office!


Here's where I'm contractually obligated to tell you that Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office from Dec 18th through Jan 3, 2011. To everyone on the road, safe travels, to everyone enjoy the holidays, drink plenty of egg nog (spiked or otherwise), eat more cookies than you really should, and join us right here on your favorite Sametime Status Repository for a brand new year of fun and frivolity!

Please stop

It's unfortunate that so much Holiday Music lends itself to using children's choirs


Oh come on, Jeremy...let the kids in on the spirit of the season, too.


I'm all for it. I just don't want to have to hear it. Children's choirs are the bane of my existence, in case you didn't know. In fact, it's a sentiment that's shared by lots of people who don't write a Blag of their Instant Messenger statuses. A while back, I introduced you all to The Most Unwanted Music, which is a 20-minute long song comprised of the primary elements that people most hated to hear in songs. These included opera singers rapping, screaming political rhetoric, and holiday-themed commercial jingles sung by a children's choir.

Don't believe me that they're awful? Here's your proof:

Christmas
Yom Kippur
Labor Day


They're all kinda the same.


Entirely beside the point. They're jingles using a children's choir, and they're awful. Enjoy!


So you said you'd be posting an answer today...


Indeed. In his legendary hockey career, the great Gordie Howe managed to complete the eponymous "Gordie Howe Hat Trick" a full two times, both against the Toronto Maple Leafs.

October 11, 1953: Scored a goal, assisted on Red Kelly's goal, and fought Fernie Flaman
March 21, 1954: Howe scored the opening goal, assisted on two Ted Lindsay goals, and fought Ted "Teeder" Kennedy.

Get It Right, Have Somebody Help You, Then Punch Them In The Face

Pop Quiz! How many of the eponymous "Gordie Howe Hat Tricks" did Gordie Howe record in his career?


You just wanted to use the word "Eponymous."


Maybe...but it's also a little bit of trivia I recently learned.

For those who are caught unawares, the "Gordie Howe Hat Trick" is named after hockey legend Gordie Howe, widely regarded as one of the best players ever to put on the foil. He led the league in goals 4 times, assists 3 times, and total points 6 times. When he retired, he was the leading goal, assist, and point scorer in the history of pro hockey, only to be surpassed by Wayne Gretzky years later.

Howe also played with a bit of an edge to his game. He was not afraid to throw down the gloves and amassed a career total of 1685 penalty minutes. While this is a far cry from Tiger Williams' record 3966 career minutes in the Sin Bin, it makes Gretzky's 577 minute total look pretty silly.

Long after his retirement, the term "Gordie Howe Hat Trick" was coined to describe when a player registers a Goal, an Assist, and a Fight in a single game. It's a somewhat rare treat in today's game of specialization, where the fighters rarely score, and the scorers rarely fight...but there have been 6 of them so far this season. The question is...how many times did Gordie Howe pull it off?

Answer will be posted tomorrow.

Everything I sign smells like coffee now

Many pen casings have a hole in the side to prevent you from using them as a coffee stirrer again


AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!


Thanks for your support, LIR.


AAAAAAHAHAHAHHHHHAHAAAHAHA!!


So anyway...not long ago, I realized I didn't grab one of those swizzle sticks (or maybe they're little straws, I forget, but that's beside the point) after walking back to my office with my coffee. This made me a little sad, since now all the good stuff would be settled at the bottom, and I'd have to drink half a cub of lousy dark, bitter coffee before I had enough room to swirl it around to mix it. I quickly glanced around the office looking for a swizzle or something I could use as a swizzle, ultimately deciding that a pen that was conveniently located on my desk would be an acceptable alternative.

Truth be told, I have three pens on my desk. Two of them are the cheapest kind of plastic crap you can buy at a bulk office furnishings store. The third is the second cheapest kind of plastic crap you can buy at a bulk office furnishings store, made more expensive by the rubber grip thingy on the business end.

Because it has the little rubber grip thingy on the end, I tend to use this pen more than the others. I'm actually not sure why I had the other two. Anyway, without thinking, and with assuming the casing was air-tight, I dump the back of the good pen into the coffee and give it a quick stir. Pulling the pen out of the cup revealed my tragic mistake. The casing of the pen was now full of coffee because this was one of those pens that has that little hole in the side for some completely unknown reason. Seriously...somebody tell me why that hole exists!

In an amusing twist ending, both of the super crappy pens are completely sealed, and would have made a better coffee stirrer than the "good" pen that I actually used. I've now purchased a small pack of swizzle sticks and keep them in my desk drawer for use on just such an occasion. I've also thrown away my good pen, and there's nothing left in the supply room but the crappy ones.

I just don't get irony

It was optimistic to think "The Christmas Tree Shop" would have a good selection of Christmas lights


I guess they played a great joke on you then.


So it would seem.


Of course...normally you obscure the names of the large, faceless, atomatonic corporations you deal with.


Somehow, everybody figured out who "High's Home Improvements" was anyway. But in this case, I couldn't come up with a way to obfuscate the name. They actually do a good enough job as it is, because one other thing that's conspicuously missing from the store is a display of...you know...Christmas trees. It was a little surprising, considering this time of year should be their wheelhouse. Instead, I get treated to about 500 boxes of white lights (I was looking for a single strand of blue lights), and their usual store full of cosmetics. I was confused.

Already?

It's Password Day! My email password is no longer tw1l1ghtrulez


Oh come on, Jeremy. Who doesn't love angsty teenage vampire stories?


Me. And you just spouted off everything I know about the Twilight series.


There are werewolves involved as well.


Well, there you have it.

Anyway...it's at this point in the "Password Day" post that I feel obligated to inform the Readership that this, nor any of the "Password Day" passwords listed on this site have ever been used as my actual email password. So no trying to hack into my email...you'll look silly.

What amuses me about the "Password Day" phenomenon, in addition to how stunningly frequent it is, is the degrade in my productivity. For the next couple days, I will have the pleasure of typing my passwords in twice. Once using the old password, which will summarily be rejected, followed by the new password, and then I can log into the system. It happens more often than you might think.

I'm hoping it is, though

Somehow, I doubt that's the last I'll hear from the Satellite TV company


I wouldn't be so sure of that. I'm pretty sure they're finished with you. What with you never being a customer and having no plans to become one.


I honestly doubt that's going to phase a large, automatonic corporation like the satellite TV folks. It didn't stop them from sending me an important-looking envelope with "FINAL NOTICE" written across the front. It actually looked official, and I was concerned for a moment...thinking maybe I forgot a credit card or house payment or something and my credit rating was about to be flushed down the pan.

Per their plan, I immediately opened the envelope only to find that it was my final notice to order the satellite TV company's service at their special rate. Oddly enough, I declined their offer. I'm pretty sure I'll have another chance to be their customer.

Theme Week, Part The Van

Lessons From "The A Team" Week! When taking prisoners, avoid locking them in a room with a toolbox and a welding torch


Part "The Van"?


I made a critical mistake in developing this Theme Week. There are only four members of The A Team, and there are 5 days in the work week.


Could have gone with Lynch, or Decker...


Colonel Morrison may have actually been more appropriate, and there was also the reporter, Amy Allen, who only showed up in the first season, but those all seemed like stretches, so I had to choose between the Van and one of Murdock's alter egoes (Captain Bellybuster immediately sprang to mind for some bizarre reason). Since I already used Murdock for a title, I decided on The Van.


Alright...so anyway...taking prisoners.


It never made sense to me why these criminal organizations always took members of The A Team captive. The masterminds were hidden safely away in their offices, and their jabronis would capture one or more of the heroes, and would invariably want to either take them to a meeting with the mastermind, or lock them into a room to await the arrival of the aforementioned mastermind. If you're a good criminal jabroni, you should probably just deal with these types of nuisances yourself, and not leave them for your boss...I mean, come on...show some initiative! That's why you're a jabroni.


Focus, Jeremy.


Sorry. So anyway, when they locked their prisoners in a small room or barn or something, they invariably made the mistake of not properly preparing a room for prisoners. Step one should be cleaning the place out so there's nothing that can be used as a weapon against you. Important things to look for are tanks of potentially explosive gasses, automobiles, heavy construction/demolition equipment, toolboxes, and welding torches. It seems pretty obvious when you're reading it here, but in the heat of the moment, apparently, it's pretty easy to overlook.

Theme Week, Part Bosco

Lessons From "The A Team" Week! Kidnapping does not make a good "Plan B"


I guess you run out of options pretty quickly.


Well, you do get into a no-win situation pretty quickly when dealing with The A Team. However, when things start hitting the fan, it's most important to maintain your composure and not make any rash decisions like kidnapping the very person who hired The A Team to take down your evil empire. Once you stop thinking farther ahead than Hannibal, you're finished.

Most times, when corrupt crine syndicate leaders run into adversity (apparently) they reort to kidnapping. Historically, this has proved to be a poor decision, as it merely steels the resolve of The A Team to take you down and rescue your hostage. It always ends the same way...you get punched and thrown over your desk.

Theme Week, Part Templeton

Lessons From "The A Team" Week! Cars explode a minimum of 3 times


Okay, seriously? Part "Templeton"? Who names their kid Templeton?


Mrs. Peck, I assume...as well as the parents of 2212 other people in the US, if the Internets are to be believed.


So today's Lesson from The A Team seems to be an important safety tip for would-be crime syndicate leaders.


Not just the leaders, mind you...it may actually apply more directly to the hired goons. After all, they're the ones who are going to be in the firefight at the end of the episode than the bosses.

It's very important to know that if you're driving into battle against The A Team, that your car is basically cannon fodder. By the end of it, it's going to have a radiator leak due to a bullet, or flat tires at the very least. More often, it will be crushed by some kind of heavy equipment, flipped onto its roof (don't worry, you'll be perfectly safe inside if this happens), or blown up. The interesting part of the car blowing up is that your car will very quickly succumb to a fiery ball of explosion that will actually leave the car almost entirely intact, except for the flames. Here's where the trick is...because you may think that the car is still serviceable and want to move back towards it, but you really shouldn't. There are at least two more fiery explosions waiting for it. That can get dangerous, so stay away and concentrate on the upcoming hand to hand combat.

If you don't believe me, watch any episode of The A Team where a car explodes. (That would be most of them) Three explosions, minimum!

Theme Week, Part H.M.

Lessons From "The A Team" Week! Being thrown over the hood of a car is as good as an arrest


I imagine being thrown over the hood of a car would suck...but seriously? Effectively an arrest?


It's true! I saw it on TV, therefore it can only be the most factual of information.


I hear Wikipedia is the same way.


Indeed. So, one of the things you need to know about dealing with The A Team is that the dispute will ultimately boil down to a fight involving guns that can't hit anybody, then a fist fight once the ammo runs out, or your car has been flipped onto it's roof.

While you, as the leader of a corrupt empire, would expect your accomplices to understand the severity of the organization's crimes and the ramifications of getting caught, they're remarkably easy to capture and arrest. Sure, they may seem loyal and determined when you first set out, and even at the first sign of adversity, but once the fists start flying, they wilt like old lettuce.

See, the way it works is that after a couple punches to the face, your minions' resolve is severely weakened and they resign themselves to their fate of being captured at gunpoint. The very guns they weren't afraid of moments ago, actually. All it takes is for them to inevitably lose the fight, then get thrown over the hood of a car, and they're finished. They will then sit quietly, not making a physical or vocal attempt to change their predicament. At that point, your empire is collapsed and you have no choice but to sit and wait for the police to show up.

Theme Week, Part John

Lessons From "The A Team" Week! When starting your evil, corrupt empire, always make sure you own a helicopter for chasing vigilantes


Ah yes...we all love The A Team. That crack commando unit wrongly imprisoned for robbing a Hanoi bank. They survived in the Los Angeles underground living as Soldiers of Fortune helping people when nobody else could.


Indeed. Over the course of the TV Show, there were many lessons to be learned. Unfortunately, I was too young to really appreciate them during the years the show was on the air. However, thanks to the magic of Netflix, I'm now able to reap the rewards after the fact. The lessons these modern-day Robin Hoods have to teach have survived the test of time and remain invaluable to this day. Today's lesson is actually for the villains among the Readership here...and that is to always own a helicopter.


Most of us already do, actually.


That's good. As it turned out in the series, nearly every episode featured a small gang of corrupt villains, headed by a mastermind who would invariable underestimate The A Team's abilities. Not to worry, though, because they could always fall back on the line "Get to the chopper!"

Of course, not sure why, but none of these guys ever used the chopper to simply fly out of harms way...they would always use the helicopters to chase after cars on the ground and shoot at them with automatic rifles with badly misaligned scopes. (I'm assuming the sights were misaligned simply because they never seemed to hit anything. EVER!)

On more than a few occasions, The A Team managed to procure a chopper of their own, resulting in a thrilling aerial chase which ended with the bad guys' helicopter landing and the pilot being punched by Murdock. None of this would be possible (or necessary, I guess) if the corrupt gang didn't have a higher than average probability of owning a chopper in the first place.

Pop Quiz!!!

How many pies can be made out of the Great Pumpkin? Closest answer without going over wins!


Ah, yes. The traditional Thanksgiving pumpkin pie. Things rarely get better than that. Of course, you have to ask yourself if the Great Pumpkin would actually make a good pie. The skin might be a bit hard or chewy.


I'm really not sure how to pick a good pumpkin for pie-making. Never done it. But, I do know that large pumpkins are rarely used, and that they sell (I almost typed "make" here) smaller "Pie Pumpkins" for just such an occasion.

Regardless, everybody knows the legend of the Great Pumpkin. He rises out of the pumpkin patch he deems the most sincere, then flies through the air to deliver toys (or was it candy?) to all the good little boys and girls. The legend, of course, is from the Peanuts comic strip, and the only character to believe in the legend was Linus...but that doesn't stop it from making a good Sametime Status.

So, your task is simple. Submit your guess as to how many pumpkin pies could be made from the Great Pumpkin, and the closest to the actual answer wins.


If he's just a legend, how is there an "actual answer"?


I've done some scientific calculations.


Looked at a graph of pumpkin weights and found one that looked about right?


Exactly! Have at it, and have a good Thanksgiving, everybody!


Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office starting tomorrow and returning monday, November 29th with all new Sametimey Goodness.


And a new Theme Week!


Wow...we just got done with a Theme Week...this is a rare and special gift, Jeremy. Thank you!

Good Morning!

Nothing says "Good Morning" quite like driving to work between a snowplow and a state trooper


So did you get plowed over, or arrested? Please say you got arrested.


Fortunately for everyone reading, I did nothing wrong, so there was no need for my police friend to pull me over. We just kept on our merry ways behind the snow plow.

Of course, the bigger question is...what with it being about 60 degrees here in Jeremy Land...why was there a snow plow driving around. There's no snow. There's no forcast for snow. We don't need a snow plow. So why are you clogging up my commute?

Theme Week, Part Five

Bird Flu Preparedness Week! Item 5: Stay away from others as much as possible if they are sick. Stay home from work and school if you are sick


Ladies and Gentlemen, winter is fast approaching. While this means decreasing temperatures and increasing litigation for slip and fall accidents, it also serves as a stark reminder that another Flu season is upon us. We all need to take certain precautions against the ever-present threat of a Bird Flu pandemic. Therefore, as a public service, Jeremy Is In The Office, in association with Miracle Posting, Inc is proud to present this vitally important Theme Week chock full of helpful tips to prepare for and slow the inevitable spread of this deadly disease.



Finally, for this week...the most important thing you can do to help slow the spread of the upcoming pandemic. If you find yourself sick...stay home! Despite the fact that the spread of birdly is a near metaphysical certainty, the bulk of the population would actually prefer to not get it. Therefore, if you start exhibiting the symptoms of Bird Flu, do your best to not infect those you know or care about. It could mean all the difference in the world. Not to you, most likely...but to them.

Theme Week, Part Four

Bird Flu Preparedness Week! Item 4: Volunteer with local groups to prepare to assist with emergency response


Ladies and Gentlemen, winter is fast approaching. While this means The First Snowfall and the first four-letter greetings for the snowblower that won't start, it also serves as a stark reminder that another Flu season is upon us. We all need to take certain precautions against the ever-present threat of a Bird Flu pandemic. Therefore, as a public service, Jeremy Is In The Office, in association with Miracle Posting, Inc is proud to present this vitally important Theme Week chock full of helpful tips to prepare for and slow the inevitable spread of this deadly disease.


When the inevitable Bird Flu pandemic does hit, our emergency response teams will need all the capable help they can get. Of course, this means getting started early with training and volunteering. Other local service organizations have roles and responsibilities too, so don't stop with the firehouses and police stations. Get started now, so you can be ready.

Also, as I'm sure you've seen on the news by now, Bird Flu Has Returned To China. The timing of this infection with this week's Theme Week couldn't be better. All of the Loyal Readers have a three-day head start on the pandemic.

Theme Week, Part Three

Bird Flu Preparedness Week! Item 3: Cover coughs and sneezes with tissues


Ladies and Gentlemen, winter is fast approaching. While this means Hockey Season and more Sean Avery suspensions, it also serves as a stark reminder that another Flu season is upon us. We all need to take certain precautions against the ever-present threat of a Bird Flu pandemic. Therefore, as a public service, Jeremy Is In The Office, in association with Miracle Posting, Inc is proud to present this vitally important Theme Week chock full of helpful tips to prepare for and slow the inevitable spread of this deadly disease.


While there will ultimately be nothing you can do to combat the spread of Avian Flu, you may be able to slow it down ever so slightly. One of the key ways to do this is to contain the virus to yourself. Once you're infected, make sure to cover your face when coughing or sneezing. The government's Flu website recommends covering with a tissue or handkerchief, but the rest of the world has adopted what is known as the "Dracula Sneeze" in which you bury your face in the crook of your arm. This is a total misnomer, as you don't normally see Dracula in this pose, rather the Replacement for the late Bela Lugosi in "Plan 9 From Outer Space."

Either way, make sure you keep the virus to yourself, and give the rest of us a somewhat sporting chance against Bird Flu.

Theme Week, Part Two

Bird Flu Preparedness Week! Item 2: Teach children to wash hands frequently with soap and water


Ladies and Gentlemen, winter is fast approaching. While this means Ice Skating and brand new Youtube videos of Snowboarding Faceplants, it also serves as a stark reminder that another Flu season is upon us. We all need to take certain precautions against the ever-present threat of a Bird Flu pandemic. Therefore, as a public service, Jeremy Is In The Office, in association with Miracle Posting, Inc is proud to present this vitally important Theme Week chock full of helpful tips to prepare for and slow the inevitable spread of this deadly disease.


While the current variant of Bird Flu is unable to spread to humans via air transport, the H5n1's ability to mutate quickly is precisely where the danger lies. Once it changes itself enough to spread via the air and the more traditional Flu transport mechanisms, the pandemic will begin. When this happens, much like any other virus, it will be important to keep your hands clean at all times. This means plenty of handwashing with a good antibacterial soap, plenty of hot water, and some of that alcohol-based sanitizer. Diligence will be key to survival, so start the good habits now, while you still can.

Theme Week, Part One

Bird Flu Preparedness Week! Item 1: Store a two week supply of water and food


Ladies and Gentlemen, winter is fast approaching. While this means Christmas presents and hot cocoa by the fireplace, it also serves as a stark reminder that another Flu season is upon us. We all need to take certain precautions against the ever-present threat of a Bird Flu pandemic. Therefore, as a public service, Jeremy Is In The Office, in association with Miracle Posting, Inc is proud to present this vitally important Theme Week chock full of helpful tips to prepare for and slow the inevitable spread of this deadly disease.


Thank you, LIR. While we may not be able to prevent the outbreak and spread of Bird Flu, especially since latest indicators are that the virus can now be spread from birds to pigs, there are important things we can do to slow it down and try to avoid being infected. We'll be examining these activities this week.

The first thing to make sure to do is to have a 2 week supply of non-perishable food stored up in the event of a pandemic outbreak. This way, you can hunker down in your home and try to survive. It's a critical first step, and we encourage all members of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World to stock up.

It's okay...you'll do better next time

Ouch for the guy who gets picked last for the NHL All-Star Game


Well, the players are all selected in advance.


That's not the point. You still get the monicker of being the guy picked last for the game. It's hilarious.

Anyway, maybe now is a good time to point out that the NHL has come up with a new way to pick teams for the All-Star Game. This year, they're going to have captains pick the teams, in a fashion very similar to grade-school dodgeball. Apologies to those of you who live in Maine, Maryland, New York, Virginia, Texas, Massachusetts and Utah, as Dodgeball has been banned from schools in those states, so you may not know what I'm talking about. (No, I'm not making that list up)

Anyway...canonically speaking, the most athletic and popular kids are chosen first, then on down the schoolyard food chain until you get to the dorky kid who wears glasses and is athletically clutzy as the final pick. So, even though he will be one of the top hockey players in the world, somebody is going to be the dorky kid with glasses who gets picked last for the All-Star game...and I'm looking forward to finding out who it is.


You never wore glasses.


Which just makes it that much more unfair!

About the weather, too

It disturbs me how often I'm forced to think, "Lewis Black was right."


The bear is following you around?


Different bit.


Drinking Starbucks?


Again, not quite.


I'm losing interest in your story.


Lewis did a bit a while back about MTV, and how they've done everything they can to destroy music. This is done by showing music videos...which go in your eye, which is different from your ear. I'm paraphrasing due to Lewis's prolific use of F-Bombs, and this is a family blag.

Anyway, the point being that music videos are weird, and very seldom have anything to do with the song. And if you have mental visions while listening to a specific song, and it happens to match the MTV video for it, you have issues. Again, paraphrasing because we don't condone violence here.

So I came across a music video recently for a new song I kinda like. HERE'S THE VIDEO!! So uhmm....yeah. Give that a look and you'll start to wonder what exactly prompted some director to come up with THAT when they listened to the song.

At least since July 7, 1928

Hyperbole is the greatest thing ever!!!


Yeah, we all see what you did there. Want to just assume everybody gets the joke and call it a day?


Works for me! Woohoo!

It's True!

In a bit of revisionist history, the handkerchief was invented by John A Kimberly


Okay seriously, Jeremy...one of these days, we're going to get sued over these Revisionist History bits.


I'm just providing some amusing history facts for people who may not be aware.


Your use of the word "facts" is troubling.


Didn't Napoleon once say, "History is a myth men agree to believe?"


Didn't he also say he made all of his Generals out of mud?


Yes, but that's beside the point entirely. The primary point of today's Sametime Status comes from the fact that I watched some movies recently...and more than one of them involved the use of a handkerchief. It seemed a little out of the ordinary that these things would show up as often as they did because frankly, nobody uses them anymore. The reason for that being, of course, that handkerchiefs are pretty gross.

Think about it, but not in great detail. You need to wipe something up or blow your nose...so you pull a piece of cloth out of your pocket, take care of your business, then promptly return it to your pocket. Whatever's now in your handkerchief is now oozing out into your pants and onto your leg. Why was this a good idea?

Also suppose later in the same day, you needed a repeat action. You pull out the already sullied cloth, open it to hopefully some portion that was not directly used, and still end up spreading your previously-expelled sputum all over some other surface or face. Eww.

Or was this all part of some dastardly plot? Could this have been another cutthroat self-fulfilling business prophecy? As it turns out, the inventor of the portable handkerchief was none other than John A. Kimberly, who went into business with his long-time friend Charles B. Clark to create the Kimberly-Clark corporation, inventor of Kleenex disposable facial tissues.

That's right. The handkerchief was invented to display to the world the need for disposable tissues. Once diseases started spreading, the world was first made aware of Bird Flu, people started demanding a more sanitary solution. Mr. Kimberly to the rescue with his facial tissue company, and the rest...as they say...is history.


Once the court papers start coming in over this, we're all history.

Still holding out hope for Fall

I saw a snowflake! Why are the schools still open?


Because it's like 40 degrees, there was barely any snow, and it's just going to rain for the rest of the day?


That's not the point. Schools are wussies, and around here they cancel classes at the first hint of snowfall. It's really quite annoying, given the fact that I never got any snow days when I was in high school.


Yeah, yeah...4 feet of snow, walking uphill both ways...


Actually, no. But it's true that they never did close school for snow. It closed down for cold one time, but never snow...or ice...or hail...


Is this a new Blag feature called "Jeremy Is Jealous"?


Nah. I think I have enough features. I'll just go ahead and file this under The Wussification Of America and call it a day.


Sounds like a plan.

Am I missing something?

I'm still trying to figure out how "Double Vision" is hockey music


Hockey music is an interesting thing. Depending on the timing, hockey music takes on various forms. From hard rock during times when the home team needs a boost to "Come Out And Play" during a fight to jaunty omnipresent organ cheers. I'm also one of about 4 people I know who would be amused by the fact that the LA Kings' organist played "Brass Bonanza" during the game against the Carolina Hurricanes. All that said, I can not, for the life of me figure out why Foreigner's "Double Vision" made good hockey music.


If it was played right after a really hard check, I would make a case that it's hockey music, though in pretty bad form.


It was a pretty physical game, but those weren't the circumstances. It was a normal play stoppage, and the crowd seemed to be singing along or getting otherwise involved in the playing of the song.


Maybe something was playing on the Jumbotron while this was happening.


It's about the only logical explanation I can think of. Can somebody who was at the game last night fill me in? I'm confused, and that's no way to be on a Friday. I'll be Nerd Sniped all weekend.

It's Important

Dry Clean Only


That's very important. It keeps your Sametime Status clean and won't cause shrinkage.


It also reminds me of a great Mitch Hedberg linefrom his first album "Strategic Grill Locations". The joke goes, "This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty."

I don't know how often you go to the dry cleaners, but I can probably count them on one finger.


Ehh...about once a week or so. Depending on if I really need my ascot pressed.


Were you doing a crossword puzzle recently?


As a matter of fact, I was.

I'm talking to YOU!

Attention Film Makers: Fourth Wall Breaks are not funny


I don't know...Ferris Bueller seemed to pull it off pretty well.


And he's about the only one who ever did. The fourth wall is there for a reason, people!


Maybe as a public service, you should explain to the nice folks just what the Fourth Wall is all about.


The Fourth Wall is your TV screen...or a theatre's movie screen. Whenever a character looks directly into the camera to directly address the audience, they are said to be "Breaking the fourth wall." It's a horrible film technique that needs to stop.


This seems rather specific for a general rant, Jeremy. Was this based on a recent event?


Actually, a bit, yes. I was watching a film recently that shall remain nameless for various reasons. I don't want people going out and subjecting themselves to it.


You also don't want people to know you watched it.


This movie involved no less than three Fourth Wall jokes where a character made a quip and then looked at the audience with a smirk. It's akin to saying "No pun intended" during a conversation where you accidentally make a pun. You're saying to your audience, "hey hey...look how awesomely fast my brain works, that I realized that was a pun and don't want you to be angry with me when you figure out that it was." Jerk. Yes...I know you just made a funny funny joke. Saying "I've been dying to meet you" during a zombie movie pretty much means you're toast, so you don't have to point out the irony to the audience with bad acting.

On a brighter note, the movie did have a character named "Byrdflough," so that was something...

Will Robinson was here

This Message created on equipment that may also handle peanuts


While it's very thoughtful of you to post a warning about the potentially hazardous content of your Sametime Status, I think a better warning label for your Blag would be "May be harmful if taken internally...or externally...or read."


This Blag has never harmed anybody.


Lots of people watched the music video for "Boom Boom Boom Boom" you posted a while back. That can lead to some pretty huge therapy bills.


I tell people not to try our stunts at home. Like the one where you jump in front of traffic.


Wait, what?

Nobody noticed

I'm actually somewhat impressed that auto-dialers can navigate voicemail systems now


I liked the old days when answering machines and voicemail would only record the end of a message because they thing would start playing as soon as the machine picked up.


Me too. Now, technology has come this far. The autodialer machines used by politicians to call people right before an election to annoy them into voting have figured out how to wait for the beep. And they do...a lot. Every day this week, I've come into work with my voicemail light blinking away, thinking that it might be something important and/or work-related, only to find it's some moron politician's computer calling me to leave me a message about why their candidate sucks less than the other guy.

Needless to say, I've deleted every last one of these messages before listening to the entire thing...pretty much as soon as I figured out it was a political ad.

Suffice to say, I'm sick of the election. It really needs to be next Tuesday so that this nonsense can finally stop.

If any high-ranking politicians are reading this, don't call me. It's obnoxious and it won't make me vote for you. Do your job.

I just don't get it

Okay, seriously. What is it with selling steamrollers on the side of the road?


Wait, Another One?


You got that right. In a remarkable twist of fate, yet another person has decided to sell their steamroller by putting it on the side of the road with a "For Sale" sign on it. It's uncanny.

This one is such a little baby steamroller, it's really quite adorable. I want it.


You never did figure out what you would do with a steamroller if you had one.


That shouldn't matter, should it? I wonder what these new people want for it...

Ooo! Pick me! Pick MEEEE!

Non-Stop political ads in October is like a 3rd grader cramming for a history test


It's the time of year that you run for office again, right?


Well, it's that time of every other year, actually. One thing that I actually did learn in history class (roughly the only thing) is that every 2 years, we elect the entire House of Representatives and one third of the Senate. There's also state elections which involve a senate and an assembly, and local stuff, too, but I have no idea what the terms are for those. All I know is that every 18 months, these people that we've elected to run our government stop doing their jobs for 6 months to run for re-election. Glad I'm still paying them for that.

Around this time, watching TV or listening to the radio (And now, even trying to play a freakin' game on my Droid) is a minefield of political advertisements, the vast majority of which are designed to get me to hate somebody. Okay...so I get it...everybody who's running for office is going to suck. They're going to raise my taxes, send jobs overseas, increase the deficit, raise premiums on my health insurance, destroy public schools, unleash a pride of lions on the city, start World War 3, and cover up the outbreak of Bird Flu. If all these people are such jerks, why do we have to vote for any of them? Shouldn't there be a "None Of The Above" option, which would leave the seat vacant if it got the most votes? As much as I think that's a terrific idea, I'm saddened to think that it might win.

It seems to me that if all these candidates did their jobs better in the 18 months that they do work, they wouldn't have to campaign so hard for reelection, and their opponents wouldn't have so much complaining to do about they job they've done. It very much harkens back to history class, where I'd spend the night before a test poring through all of my notes trying in vain to learn history. If I had spent the weeks between tests learning history, maybe I'd know some of it (Probably not, but that's counter to my point, so we're going to go with it). So my message to all of you politicians is simple. Stop spending 6 months yapping about the changes that you need to make in the next term and start spending your current term...oh, I don't know...earning my tax money!!!

Jerks.

The Statute of Limitations is like 48 hours

The Yankees don't even have the common decency to lose during the week, so we can properly give our co-workers the business


That's unfortunate. The hilarity has time to die down for those of us who correctly need to give the business.


For some reason, Yankee fans don't seem to quite understand the level of humiliation that is appropriate for wasting another $200 million on a failed season of baseball. Apparently, pitching is the problem...from what I'm told by the sports reporters on TV. It would seem $54 million isn't enough money to buy a fool-proof rotation, and you still end up trotting out AJ Burnett to stink up a game for you. Incidentally...any other team that jumped on an albatross like Burnett would be crippled for years...the Yankees just brush it off and chase after $20 million worth of Cliff Lee in the offseason.

When your team has the ability and inclination to do this, and you still can't win, this is a miserable failure of beyond epic proportions. In fact, much like "Battlefield Earth" this 2010 Yankees team should be the new yardstick by which all failure is measured. No matter what it is you screw up at any point in the next 10 years, you should be able to say, "Well...at least I'm not the 2010 Yankees," and everyone will have a hearty laugh and forget about your mistake.

Why is it always just me?

Is it just me, or is the song "Undisclosed Desires" by Muse lifted from Prince


As a general rule, it's just you. I'm just sayin'.


It usually is, I'll grant you that...but this time, I don't think I'm wrong. I've heard Muse's song a couple times, and I like it. I was listening to it the other day, and "When Doves Cry" by Prince popped into my head. At first, I didn't understand why, but then I realized that "Undisclosed Desires" is basically the same song.


Nope...just you.


Really? That's unfortunate. Have a good weekend!

I know why we cook bacon...

Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?


Your one-liner attempt at a though provoking quandry notwithstanding, but there are plenty of recipes for cookies that involve frying them in a pan.


I've also baked bacon, for that matter...wrapped around some seasoned shrimp for an appetizer. It was awesome!


Basically, bacon wrapped around just about anything is pretty awesome.


Of course, bacon baked into cookies...not as awesome as you might think.


I don't know if I think that's very awesome at all, really.


They weren't terrible.

Not what I expected

Somebody may now explain to me why I have the "Pink Elephants" song from Dumbo stuck in my head.


You snuck into the clown party again last night? That's probably the only logical explanation.


The only one, huh?

So as it turns out, I wrote this Sametime Status a couple days ago when I had the Pink Elephants song stuck in my head. I have no idea why, clearly...and it makes no sense. I wasn't drunk, nor a flying elephant. I haven't seen the movie in years, particularly that portion of it, which I always hated...not because I'm afraid of evil clowns or pink elephants, but because I just always thought it was stupid. Of course, at the time, I probably didn't realize the fact that Dumbo was drunk on some form of clown grog.

Anyway...I wonder if this is one of those situations where the Internets can change personal history. Maybe if I find that clip on Youtube or something and watch it again now, I'll see the true meaning of it, or find the song less irritating, or just in general find it less annoying.


I think you have to be loaded for that to work. Wait until you get home.


Thanks for the tip.

Are they still fighting monkeys?

Coming soon: Snakes On A Plain. This Time, They're In Nebraska!


Awful. Just awful.


Ahh, homonyms. Is there anything they can't do?

Been waiting all year

Happy "National Chocolate Cupcake Day" Everybody!


MMmph Myoo


Sorry, everybody...LIR has his mouth full with some of the delightful chocolate cupcakes we have here to celebrate National Chocolate Cupcake Day.


Phroo ahh ehhooff


Very true...the readers ARE all jealous that we have cupcakes and they don't.


Ehh ahh meihphmoof


I agree...they really are delicious. I'll have to thank whoever brought those in for us.

Let me out!

Twelve up. 21 to go!


Occasionally, we here at Jeremy Is In The Office like to provide wholesome, heartwarming Sametime Statuses as a feel-good public service to the community. Then, typically, Jeremy will go and ruin it. Today, we celebrate the rescue of the Chilean miners as a triumph of both courage and engineering.


Not to mention a complete failure of American news reporting.


And there it is. As of this writing, 12 miners have been safely brought to the surface, with 21 remaining. Jeremy's Sametime Status at work will accurately reflect the current count, but the Blag will remain as is. And now, back to Jeremy's Soapbox.


News coverage sucks.

I'm all for the fact that this rescue is being covered by outlets like CNN, but I'd like to take issue with one of the items on their website. There is a clock showing the amount of time that has passed since the "start of rescue." It currently shows about 11 and a half hours. Uhm...correct me if I'm wrong, but the mine shaft collapsed on August 5, which is a little over 2 months ago. Didn't the rescue start right about then?

What's the point in keeping a running clock on how long it's taken to extract these people from the mine? Is it like a Burger King drive-thru where they're trying to keep statistics as to which crew is doing a better job? Are they trying to improve efficiency for the next time a mine collapses and they have to shuttle people out one at a time through a half-mile long tunnel that's about a foot wide? Or did somebody at CNN find a little script for a running clock and think it would be great to add to the website for a while to create artificial drama in an already captivating rescue? Holy crap, CNN.

What if he's full of it?

As it turns out, "Papal Bull" isn't what you think it is


It's not a formal decree from the Vatican?


Uhmm....in that case, it's exactly what you think it is. So uhh...what else have you got?


Well, I was thinking of coining a new phrase today. I'd like people to start using the phrase "Jeremy Bull" which also means exactly what you think it does. It will refer to just about anything you post on the Blag here...because it's bull.


I don't know about that.


I think it's golden. Trust me...it's gonna be a thing! "Jeremy Bull!" Tell your friends!

There really is no scale

How wrong is it that when I hear talk of "Perdition's Flames," I think "Wrath of Khan" before I think "Moby Dick"?


Mildly to moderately. Wrath of Khan was pretty much based on Moby Dick. Khan quotes Ahab fairly liberally throughout the film.


Everyone knows this. In fact, many people have noticed the copy of Moby Dick that was sitting on the shelf of the Botany Bay when it was marooned on Seti Alpha V.


Okay...being able to reference "Botany Bay" and "Seti Alpha V" from memory is creeping into a slightly more dangerous realm of wrong.


Fair enough. So today's Sametime Status is based on a real-life event. I forget what it was I was watching or listening to at the time, but somebody referenced "Perdition's Flames" and my thoughts immediately sprang to Ricardo Montalban. All this despite the fact that on my last road trip, I had the MP3 player working on an audio book version of Moby Dick.

In fact, even while "reading" Moby Dick, when I got to the Perdition's Flame bit, I thought of Star Trek. It was a little weird.

This is going to cost me like 85 minutes

You've won this round, "The Asylum"...but it's not over!


Wait, what? Has Jeremy finally been shacked up in the wacko basket?


Uhm...no. I'm writing a Blag.


Wishful thinking, I guess. So what Asylum are you talking about?


You may remember A While Ago, I introduced you to a quality piece of film called "Snakes On A Train."


It was a piece of something, that's for sure...


Well, I did a little research, and as it turns out, that movie was put out by a film studio called "The Asylum" which specializes in "Mockbusters." That is, they find a movie that's actually good and making money out in the real world, and then they make a horrendous, ultra-low-budget movie of nearly the same title, release it only on DVD, and turn a modest profit. The two films often have little if anything to do with one another, aside from having a nearly identical title. The hope is that you confuse one with the other and buy their piece of crap and don't realize your mistake until it's too late.

So not long ago, Robert Downey Jr. starred in a new Sherlock Holmes film, aptly titled, "Sherlock Holmes." I had wanted to see it, it did well at the box office, had a totally decent 70% Tomatometer...but I never got the chance. I came across "Sherlock Holmes" while updating my movie queue on an online movie rental site that for strictly Blag purposes, we'll call "InternetFlickershows" and immediately sent it to the top of the list.

Little did I know that the fine folks at "The Asylum," who destroyed 2 hours of my life with "Snakes On A Train" also put out a film entitled "Sherlock Holmes" which involves flying dinosaurs attacking London. I'll let you guess which one showed up in my mail.


Why don't you just put the real one on top of the list and send this one back?


That would make me look stupid. I don't want to be that guy...


HAHAHAAAA! This is totally like the thing with the coffee grinder.


This has nothing to do with that. I categorically deny the accusation that...


So Jeremy once bought whole-bean coffee instead of ground, and instead of just admitting the mistake, he ran out and bought a coffee grinder.


Categorically! Deny! Freshly ground coffee simply tastes better.


Yeah, okay...whatever helps you sleep, Bean Boy.

Seriously...Everything

Hockey season fixes everything


Except the scores. See what I did there?


It's true. Hockey season is the cure for everything that ails.

Don't know what to watch on TV? Flip on a game! (Incidentally, Carolina and Minnesota are playing right now...as of this typing anyway)

Can't think of anything to do with your friends? Head to the arena!

Feeling sick? Stay home and watch the replays!

Work got you down? Surf the internets for the latest scores and analysis!

Doing cardio at the gym in the morning? Rangers in 60!

That guy at the store being irritating? Throw down the gloves and go all Raitis Ivanans on his sorry hide.

The list is endless. Welcome back, hockey season! We've missed you!

How Cold Can You Go?

Welcome to Home Heating Limbo


It's a nice place...until of course, Chubby Checker comes in and ruins the whole thing.


Different sort of Limbo, but thanks for thinking outside the box on this one.


My pleasure.


Like most homeowners around this time of the year, I'm debating when to officially give up on summer...


Most people do this around the Autumnal Equinox, but your mileage may vary.


...and flip the thermostat from "Off" to "Auto", thus beginning the heating season. This is more of a concern now that I have to pay for heat. Therefore, this becomes an act requiring pondering and procrastinating. The longer I can put up with a house that's 3 or 4 degrees below optimal, the better. Add in the sleeves factor, and I can buy myself an extra degree or two. However, good fortune must run out at some point, and the heater will be turned out. This will be a sad day, as it signifies the true end of summer.

First person to make a Spongebob reference gets a kick in the pants

I think a turtle just swam past my office window


Sure it wasn't a tortoise?


Actually, yes. Tortoises aren't built for swimming, but turtles are. I learned this recently.


Astounding. You actually learned stuff.


So anyway...if you've seen a map of the eastern United States recently, you'll know that it's basically one big rain storm right now. Perfect for my newly-planted grass...assuming that we don't get enough rain to wash it all away. I think I'll be okay, though.

Anyway...weather aside, it looks like I'll be away for a bit, tending to some family activities, so have a good weekend, everybody!


Why do you make me do this for you? Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office tomorrow and monday. But fear not...we'll return on Tuesday, October 4th for more Sametimey Goodness...and the garbage that Jeremy does.

Canonically, he's in the details

If I were the Devil, I'd sue M Night Shyamalan for defamation of character


Been to the movies again, eh?


Yep...went to see the latest travesty of cinema by Not-Sure-Why-He's-Not-Yet-Described-As-Disgraced Director M Night Shyamalan. (In all fairness, Shyamalan only wrote the movie. Soon-To-Be Disgraced Director John Erick Dowdle actually directed here) Based on the fiasco that is "Devil" I've decided to put Mr. Shyamalan on my list of movie people that I'm through with. He joins the Coen Brothers, Will Farrell, Gary Sinise, and Stanley Kubrick.


No Nick Cage?


My hatred for Nicolas (Coppola) Cage goes beyond mere lists. Besides, this list is just for people that I just don't need to see anymore...not things I need to actively skip if I'm going to avoid having an aneurism.


Makes sense. Go on.


So this latest "film" written by a director that hasn't been relevant since 1999 has 5 people getting stuck in an elevator.


Okay...then what?


Nothing! That's the problem. The entire plot is they're stuck in an elevator. One of them may or may not be possessed by the devil, and most of them die because it's a "horror" film, but that's it. Roll credits.


Seems like a great short sketch.


It probably would be, but it goes on for 80 minutes. Mercifully short by movie standards, but about 70 minutes longer than the plot budgeted for.


Ever notice how your movie reviews tend to all be negative?


The bad movies are more fun to write about than the good ones. Besides, since the original Mr. Cranky retired and left his website to a bunch of chumps, nobody's doing negative reviews very well. I'm hoping to leave a mark...hopefully just not one like the mark "Devil" left in my brain. Nobody needs that.

This has been another edition of "Jeremy Is In The Theatre."

Never would have guessed

Apparently, selling Steamrollers on the side of the road is more common than I thought


Are you selling a steamroller?


Sadly, no. For various reasons, good bad or indifferent, I don't have a steamroller. However, a bizarre number of people do.


How many is bizarre?


Two.


I guess if you set your expectation low enough...


That's not really the point. If you remember Not Long Ago, I pondered buying a steamroller that was for sale on the side of the road on my way to work.


Four consecutive prepositions! Nice job, Jeremy!


Well, as much as I was dismayed that somebody else bought the steamroller, I really had no use for it. Little did I know that I would get another chance. On my way to work yesterday, I glanced out the window and saw a completely different steamroller for sale on the side of the road. I find this to be unusual...anyone else think so?

Either way...I think my ride home today will be a little slower...but make things flatter! Woohoo!

Revenge, Served Hot...Then Cold

Oh Karma...you work in mysterious ways, but sometimes, I love it


So did something good happen to you, or did something bad happen to somebody else who wronged you...at least in your own mind?


Some of both, actually. It's really quite exciting. So many of you remember A Rant I Did A While Ago about a purely fictitious conglomerate chain of home improvement stores that I referred to for purely Blag purposes as "High's Home Improvement Store." They were morons. After promising next day delivery on a washer and dryer I purchased there, they took 3 days to deliver, came late, and hooked the washer up improperly. I took out my frustrations in Blag form...UNTIL NOW!!


DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!!!


Not long ago, I got a postcard in the mail. It said that I was part of a Class Action Lawsuit against "High's" over improper installation of dryers. There's something about how the ductwork was installed in a number of cases, and I was entitled to the grand sum of $20.

Heck yeah!


Don't spend it all in one place.


Actually, the irony here is that I have a couple house projects going on right now, so the odds are pretty good that I'll end up spending that 20 bucks right back at "High's." But that's hardly worth mentioning.

Theme Week, Part Shiver me Timbers

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: If they were Pirates week! "Aye, e'erythin' be funny as long as it be happenin' t' someone else."


Okay...one more shot at this. Captain Michael Fabian?


So close...but not quite. Alas, "If They Were Pirates Week" has come to a close. Hopefully, you had fun with the week's quiz-ish thing. We'll be back next week with more Sametimey Goodness. I've been saving up all week!


Oh goodie.


No, really...there's some good stuff coming up. I promise!

Anyway, yesterday's quote was courtesy of Captain Oliver Hazard Perry talking about the Battle of Lake Erie. See you monday!

Theme Week, Part Avast

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: If they were Pirates week! "Aye, we be meetin' the enemy and they be our'n"


Ooo! I know this one! It's totally Jack Sparrow.


Yeah, no. The special nature of today's quote is that it was spoken by an actual sailor after a naval battle.

Yesterday's quote was of course originally spoken by Thomas Paine, before it was turned into a Bob Marley song. One more left...see you tomorrow!

Theme Week, Part Ahoy

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: If they were Pirates week! "The harder th' battle be, th' more glorious th' triumph."


That was Guybrush Threepwood, right?


Yeah, not quite. We'll see who else knows it. There are actually a couple other variations of this same quote floating out there, so it's either more or less difficult.

Yesterday's quote was, of course, the famous phrase originally spoken by René Descartes. See you tomorrow!

Theme Week, Part Gar

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: If they were Pirates week! "Methinks, tharfore me be, gar"


Awfully introspective for a Pirate. I'm impressed.


Today continues our piratey Theme Week for fun and no prizes. Yesterday's quote was, of course, Alexander Graham Bell's famous first words over a telephone...as spoken if he were a pirate.

Theme Week, Part Arrrr

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: If they were Pirates week! "Arrr, Mr. Watson, come har, I be needin ya, gar!"


In celebration of International Talk Like A Pirate Day, held yesterday, Jeremy's Sametime Status, in association with Miracle Posting, Inc. is proud to present an entire Theme Week of famous quotes, slightly modified as if they were spoken by pirates. It's gonna be a thing!


It's a game of sorts, too. You get to guess what the original quote really was, in addition to the person who originally said it. No need to respond or send me emails or anything, since it's not a contest, and there are no prizes. If you get it right, you get the satisfaction of knowing you did your best. Today's starts off pretty easy, but in true Theme Week fashion, they get harder as the week goes on. So raise your grog mug, and have some fun with us as we set sail through the slightly modified annals of historical quotes.

We're havin' a heat wave...

Live! From the Frozen Tundra of Jeremy’s Office...


That's why I work from home...I get to control the climate.


You don't work...or have a home for that matter.


Not really the point, now is it?


I suppose not. Anyway, last week, some genius in the ol' Cube Farm here decided that it was too cold. They did what any self-important person would do, and called in a complaint to the facilities team, who promptly came upstairs and set the place to "Broil."

Not long after that, somebody else decided they were too hot, so the called in a complaint to the facilities team, who promptly came upstairs and set the place to "Meat Locker."

This happens startlingly frequently among the people who don't want to just leave crap alone and wear sleeves to work. So today, we're left with a workplace that resembles the northern coast of Alaska. We'll see what happens monday, when there will be palm trees growing on my chair.

He's weird

Who is Luke and why did he never heat his water properly?


It's a little selfish that he gets the mildly warm water all to himself. Maybe it was just named after him.


So not long ago, it was laundry night in the Jeremy household. One of my articles of laundry said to wash by hand in Lukewarm water. Knowing full well what this meant, I started to amuse myself thinking about who Luke was and what he was doing when he invented his own temperature of water.


I think he was one of the Dukes of Hazzard.


Nono...different Luke. Pretty sure this one was Darth Vader's son.


The guy from 90210?


That's him! Anyway...that's all I have in the way of stupid jokes today. Happy Thursday!

Seriously, we're all better off

Guidelines For Harmonious Living #9: Pants first, then newspaper


People still read newspapers?


It happens on occasion. People actually get their daily information from somewhere other than the Internets. Also on occasion, people will decide that the best place to read their newspaper in the gym locker room. Why this is, I have absolutely no idea...it goes against various social conventions, but whatever.


You come in, you shower, you get dressed, you leave. That's about it.


Exactly...but this one guy decides to sit there reading his paper. I'm not going to judge.


But you'll write a Blag entry condemning him?


I will write a Blag entry condemning his decision to sit there reading his newspaper before he put any pants on. Seriously, guy? You have better things to do right here. Put the pants on, then break out the newspaper.

Yet, they still use it...

Sorry, "Point Of Sale" Cash Register people, but the acronym "POS" was already taken


"POS" is not an acronym. It's an initialization.


While that's very true, it's a little cumbersome trying to explain what an initialization is an how it's different from an acronym within a one-line Sametime Status. So, in order to simplify everything, I just went with acronym. It gets the point across.


The point being?


That I'm amused whenever I see "Point Of Sale" machines (which are apparently different from an old-fashioned cash register), I'm amused because they're often referred to as "POS". Some of you may be familiar with "POS" being used as shorthand for "Piece Of Something".


"Something"?


It's a family Blag.


Fair enough.


So, to the people making Point Of Sale machines, you really should get to work on changing the name of your system. It'll really make your lives easier if your sales pitch doesn't refer to your product as a "POS". Just trying to help.

Don't Rant and Drive

Note to those writing those flashing road signs: Be sure to use grammar careful


You sound like Yoda.


It's strange how in some situations, poor grammar is easier to overlook than others. Such as saying "Use grammar careful." It sounds like crap.


It's okay. People reading this Blag are used to crap.


However, when a flashing road sign near the PA border tells passing motorists to "Drive Careful" it doesn't sound quite as bad. I'm not sure why...it's just as wrong.

Always a catch

Well, the good news is, I've located Murray...


You mean Murray, the Demonic Talking Skull from the Monkey Island Video Games?


No...actually, I'm referring to my Volleyball Mascot, to whom you were Introduced Last Week. After nearly a couple days with no sign of him, I started receiving ransom demands by way of Murray's new Facebook page. Most of the demands were pretty horrifying.


They made you watch a Nicolas Cage movie.


We don't talk about that.

Anyway, I've since managed to ascertain the identities of Murray's kidnappers, and his current location. That's the good news.


The bad news being?


Well, Murray was last seen in Oregon. It still remains to be seen how he's going to get back to the east coast.

I'm actually not making that up.


Well, you have a couple days to figure that out...because...
Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office the rest of this week. We'll return on monday, September 13th...okay, seriously? Monday the 13th? Maybe we should take an extra day off...there's no way that's going to be good. Anyway...monday, September 13th with a brand new week chock-full of Sametimey goodness.

Stupid Password Day

It’s Password Day! My email password is no longer un1cornz


As is always the case with "Password Day" Sametime Statuses, we feel compelled to inform you that neither this nor any of the other passwords written on the Blag here have ever been used as Jeremy's actual email password. This of course does not make it any less fun to make fun of him for even saying he's using a password like "un1cornz"...so have at it!


It's somewhat unfortunate that Password Day was today. I had a full week of quality Sametime Statuses lined up for you, and had to shift everything by a day to accommodate this silly little tradition.


You say that almost as if you're going to be working more than 2 days this week.


I simply said that I had the week all lined up. I said nothing about how many days that week would contain. So you'll just have to wait until monday to find out tomorrow's Sametime Status. Today's, you'll be able to read tomorrow.


I'm confused.


My work here is done!

It's kinda mean

I really wish that commercial would stop yelling at me for something I’m not doing.


Well then you should just not do that thing that you're not doing.


So there's this commercial that comes on the radio as I'm driving to work. It rhetorically asks if I'm texting while I'm driving, in an accusatory fashion. "You're not texting while driving, ARE YOU?!?" In reality, I'm not texting while I'm driving. I don't text that much period, let alone while driving. Regardless of what some road workers' union thinks of me, I'm just driving along minding my own business. Why they have to be so mean to me I just don't understand. It makes me sad.

I Have The Documentation To Prove It

I was customer #57 at the burger place!


Seems like you had about a 1/100 change of that happening.


Well, yes...but I've been to that particular burger place (For purely hypothetical Blag purposes, let's call it "Between 4 and 6 Gentlemen's Hamburgers and French Fries") fewer than 100 times, so it was a noteworthy achievement.


Noteworthy?


Well, 57 is my lucky number, in addition to being my jersey number at Volleyball.


Then why do you always use 83 when making up statistics?


Some things, noone can answer.

Apologies in advance

As far as the Vengaboys are aware, there is only one word in the English language that rhymes with "Boom."


How is it you know this? You don't actually listen to their crap, right?


When it comes to musical inanity, few groups can match the stellar output of the aptly-named Vengaboys. Most of the singing is done by the two female members of the group, in case you were wondering.

While most widely known for creating the dopey song that the bald guy dances to in those Six Flags commercials, Vengaboys also routinely violate Jeremy's Big Rule #1 on a pretty routine basis.


For those unaware, Jeremy's Big Rule #1 states that "If the lyrics of your song include the name of your group, you've written a bad song."


For reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, I was recently introduced to another one of their songs. Having remarkably low expectations, I was still disappointed. We'll go ahead and file this under If I Had To See This, So Do You.

The song is called "Boom Boom Boom Boom," and contains one word in the entirety of the lyrics that rhymes with "Boom."


Save yourself the pain...the word is "Room."


Given the tenuous grasp the lyricist has on rhyme, (The other key rhyme in the song is "Together" and "Forever") it's amazing that they couldn't come up with anything else. The second phrase in the chorus manages to rhyme "Boom" with "Boom" while inventing a phrase that makes no sense, regardless of how versed you are in double entendres.


Nobody knows what a "Double Boom" is. Again...save yourself by not listening to this trash. In fact...it's downright irresponsible of Jeremy to be posting it here. It can be considered harmful if viewed.

Have You Seen Me?

Beware the Wrath of Murray


Ladies and Gentlemen. A dastardly plot was enacted over this past weekend, resulting in the kidnapping of Jeremy's volleyball mascot, Murray. Any help you can provide to ensure the safe return of Murray to his rightful place would be much appreciated.


Murray is a symbol of all that is right and pure in the Volleyball world, and to think that somebody would kidnap him to obtain some measure of personal gratification is simply unfathomable. Murray is a mascot not just for myself, but for all who rubbed his head for luck.

Sure, some took his presence as a harbinger of their impending doom, (He has a pretty impressive winning percentage, after all) but any victory obtained through these types of unwholesome methods is the emptiest of victories. So, if you've seen Murray, or have any information about his whereabouts, please contact Jeremy Is In The Office as soon as possible.

Attached, please find a recent photo of Murray in his natural habitat. Photo has been borrowed from a store on the Interwebz.


The loss of Murray is certainly what caused me to not win the volleyball tournament as well as mildly injure my partner. The Wrath of Murray is the volleyball-related suffering that will be dispensed upon the parties responsible for his kidnapping until such time as he is returned. Murray is named after a Demonic Talking Skull, after all. Fair warning.

Dammit, Jeremy!

Attention children in the store who are named "Jeremy." Please behave so your parents don’t yell at me. Thank you.


You'd think the days of parents yelling at you in the store would be over by now.


Yes and no. I'm really good at getting my parents to yell at me...though now it's totally a conscious effort and more for everyone's enjoyment than anything else. It usually involves either juggling kiwis in the produce section, or The Skeleton Joke.

Anyway...as happens more often than you might thing, some other parent named their son "Jeremy" and that Jeremy is a jerk.


Yeah...okay...THAT Jeremy.


So not long ago at the grocery store, some jerk named Jeremy was running around the store like a crazy person. This caused his father to yell "Jeremy!" and I instinctively turned around. This is nonsense. This little jerk is giving us Jeremy's a bad reputation.


Like you need help...


So I implore all you youngsters named Jeremy. Just simmer down a bit when you're in the store. I'm sick of getting yelled at for your mischief. If I'm going to get yelled at, it's going to be for my own mischief.

More On Jeremy!

I love when articles start with the words "More On" and mention somebody’s name.


See? Because it makes you think they're calling that person a moron. Get it?

Anyway, in this special Apology Edition of Jeremy Is In The Office, we're going to bring you the Sametime Statuses you missed the last two days while Jeremy was too busy at work to write this stuff up in here. Very exciting!


Tuesday began with me wanting to punch people, because my alarm clock woke me up to the dulcet tones of Pat Benetar. That day's Sametime Status read: "The last known sighting of the phrase "Put up your dukes" was when Pat Benetar recorded "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" in 1979. This is disappointing."


I'm reasonably certain that Roscoe Coltrane used to say it all the time in "The Dukes of Hazzard."


That may well be the case, but I couldn't be bothered to look it up. Plus, I don't let silly things like facts get in the way of a fun Sametime Status.

Tuesday night saw a merciful end to the Curse of the Double Feature...but not in a huge way as "Dinner for Schmucks" filled out the second half of a twin-bill. (Granted, "The Expendables" was a pretty serious let-down in the front half, but that's beside the point) It wasn't a great movie, but it was pretty harmless. It included a quote that became Wednesday's Sametime Status: You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not.


So there you have it. You're now all caught up on the last couple days worth of Sametime Statuses. Hopefully, Jeremy won't be a slacker tomorrow and will close out the week in grand fashion...preferably without Rhetorical Friday.

With At Least 70% Accuracy!

Any other amateurs out there use a Traditional Grip for playing the drums in "Rock Band"?


You're hardly an amateur musician. Amateur Blag writer, sure...


First of all, playing "Rock Band" isn't exactly musicianship, and secondly, I am certainly an amateur drummer. Aside from having an IQ too high to be a drummer (You've heard the old joke, I assume? "What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool!"), I prefer my musical stylings to have...you know...music, rather than simply pounding on stuff. That said, when the opportunity arose to play the drumset for a rousing edition of "Rock Band", I jumped at the chance.


This would have nothing to do with the fact that you are made of suck at the "Rock Band" guitar, right?


Absolutely nothing.

So I start playing, and I quickly notice two things. First, the angle of the bass drum pedal is far too steep. This causes you to pull your foot up and back to a most unnatural position, resulting in massive cramps in your shin. Second, I noticed I was holding my drum sticks using an ironically named "Traditional Grip." I say ironic, because you'd think something that's "traditional" would be the simplest and most basic form...but it's not. Traditional grip involved having your right stick in a simple overhand grip, and your left stick in an underhand grip as shown in this Highly Reliable Source, as compared to a "Matched Grip" which involves an overhand grip on both sticks. Why this felt more normal to me, I may never know...but since it was good enough for 95+% Accuracy, I'm not going to argue. Also, if it's good enough for Buddy Rich, it's good enough for Jeremy!


What happened when you took the game off "Easy" mode?


I was slightly less successful, but that's entirely beside the point.

Abide, too

Obey the Monkey!


I normally only obey Hypnotoad.


Different sort of thing here, actually. The monkey in question here is printed on a sign reminding people of the rules of the Coffee Club.


Rule #1: You do not talk about Coffee Club.


Pretty much the only rule is that if you take the last cup, you make a new pot. Seems like pretty standard fare, and the type of thing that reasonably intelligent people (like those that I supposedly work with) should be able to understand.


Shouldn't you be getting your coffee at the Adorably Tiny Cafeteria Thing In Your Building?


And risk the wrath of the Toaster? No way. It also costs 4x as much down there. I'm not making that number up, either.

So anyway, the last few times I've visited the Coffee Club, I've been greeted by empty pots. This means I have to make coffee and wait around for it to be done before I can have some. This makes people think I have nothing better to do at work. So people...obey the monkey! Make sure there's coffee for everyone. Thank you, and I'll see you on monday!


Oh yeah...that's right. Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office tomorrow, 8/20, and will return monday, 8/23 with all new Sametime Statusey goodness. Enjoy the weekend, everybody!

Worse: Twizzlers

Good Idea: Placing a fan in an open window to blow in fresh air. Bad Idea: Doing so when there is a skunk outside.


I can see Mr. Skullhead now...holding a skunk...you know...because you jacked the whole "Good Idea:Bad Idea" concept from Animaniacs...


Yeah, yeah..."Good Idea:Bad Idea" isn't an original concept, but the material itself is all new. Or only a couple days old, as the case may be.


Has your house aired out yet?


It was really only the one room that had...uhm...issues. It pretty much went away overnight, so things are in pretty good shape right now. Thanks for your concern.


I'm only concerned because I'm crashing on your couch tonight.

The New Standard

Sliced Bread was invented on July 7, 1928...in case you were wondering


It's nowhere near Friday, so you're not going to turn this into that age-old rhetorical question about what the greatest thing before sliced bread was. I approve of this.


Well, as it turns out, that question isn't as rhetorical as people make it out to be. In fact, as it turns out, when Sliced Bread made its debut in 1928, it was marketed as "the greatest forward step in the baking industry since bread was wrapped." So the greatest thing before sliced bread was apparently wrapped bread. It would seem bread-related inventions were pretty stiff competition back then.

Anyway, since we now know when Sliced Bread came about, the next time you hear that something is "the greatest thing since Sliced Bread," you can be sure that it is better than the following great inventions of the 21st century:

• Scotch Tape - 1230
  
• Jet Engine - 1930
  
• FM Radio - 1933
  
• Nylon - 1935
  
• Color TV - 1940
  
• Slinky (Unrelated: Large spike in children's head injuries from falling down stairs) - 1943
  
• Atomic Bomb - 1945
  
• Transistor - 1947
  
• Credit Card - 1950
  
• Solar Cell - 1954
  
• Laser (Not mounted to sharks until 2009) - 1958
  
• Astroturf (Since outlawed by Crash Davis) - 1965
  
• Pong - 1972
  
• Gene Splicing - 1973
  
• MRI (A Personal favourite of Loyal Readers Mark and Jim) - 1977
  
• Cell Phone - 1979
  
• Prozac - 1988
  
• HTML (Lead Programmer - Al Gore) - 1990

IRL

RIP AVP


It's gone. Very sad.


Indeed. In case you missed the news that came last Friday, the 13th, the Association of Volleyball Professionals, more commonly known as the AVP Has Gone Bankrupt and will no longer be bringing thrilling beach volleyball action to some obscure cable channel, brought to you by sponsors you've never heard of or are responsible for making ridiculously ugly foam footwear.

In all seriousness, if you're running a sport which features the likes of Kerri Walsh and Jen Kessy, and you can't make it work somehow, you're doing something very, very wrong. Sure, there are some behind-the-scenes dealings with stock values and capital holdings and whatnot, but all of that stuff stops mattering if you market your product properly. Hans Stolfus said it very well in part of his long-winded, passive-aggressive and meandering article (linked above) in that the AVP and its fanbase are made up of volleyballers and nothing else. The AVP did not have the casual fans that accompany baseball and football. Everybody there either plays, used to play, or have kids who play. To grow beyond that, you need to branch out...and this does not mean putting your logo on Crocs sandals. It means getting the names and the pictures and the videos out there...bringing more awareness to the sport in a way the Olympics almost did.

But now, the AVP is gone, and the players will most certainly move to other places to play in tournaments more competitive that we'll be able to keep in the US. It's sad, really...but on the other hand...maybe waters down the competition for me.

More than just scratching!

Happy Vinyl Record Day, everybody!


What's a Vinyl Record?


The World Record for Vinyl was set by England's Archibald Smithson in 1993, when he wore a coat of vinyl that weighed 148 pounds. It really was quite impressive.

So anyway, short Blag for you all today, but a quick announcement that I'll be on vacation tomorrow. I'm trading in the cubicle for a roller coaster.


Oh...so here's where I do my bit, right?

Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office tomorrow, 8/13...wait...you're going to ride roller coasters on Friday the 13th? Is this really wise?


Perhaps not...but I'll keep an eye out for ladders, mirrors, and cats while I'm there.


We'll be back on monday with more Sametimey goodness, and a whole new week of great stuff.


Actually, it's not even a whole week...I'll be out next Friday too.


When do you actually do any work?

SCIENCE!!!

In case you’re wondering, the answer to monday’s question was a resounding "No"


What was monday's question? I wasn't paying attention.


The question was whether or not Will Ferrell could break the Curse of the Double-Feature. Sadly, it was not to be. In fact...he made it worse. In most recent instances, the first film has been totally enjoyable, and the second (historically, Splice, Shutter Island, Knight and Day, Don't Mess With The Zohan) has been lousy. This time, both movies bit the big popcorn box.

Suffice to say that if you are particularly enamoured with Will Ferrell's type of humor (that being no-sell fish out of water goofiness and long-winded jokes that don't know when they're over) you may enjoy "The Other Guys" but since it's not my cup of tea, I didn't think much of it.

"Salt" on the other hand, I actually had higher hopes for...for some unknown reason, and it disappointed. Here's where I divert into a physics lesson. Believe it or not, Newton was right about that whole "laws of motion" thing. He was a pretty smart guy. Here's how it applies to action thriller movies with a chase scene. We've all seen it before in movies, and it's moronic. Our hero is on a bridge and sees a tanker truck travelling at 50MPH beneath them, they jump down, land on the truck and travel harmlessly away. Here's where Newton comes into play. When you jump off a bridge, your forward speed is precisely zero. You're only going one direction and that's down. In order for you to start going 50MPH on top of a truck roughly instantaneously, something has to hit you and propel you sideways...and hit you pretty hard, for that matter. There is nothing on top of a tanker truck to do that that won't break everything you need to remain solid. The same physics apply in all directions. You have a net velocity change of 50MPH in one direction...it doesn't matter if you're going from 0 to 50MPH sideways, or 50 to 0MPH down; the force needed to pull this off is the same force you would feel if you jumped off a 7 story building and hit the sidewalk. Do the math.

In reality, what would happen is you would slide off the top of the truck, maintaining your own lateral velocity of nearly 0 while the truck speeds away and you get splattered on the grill of the next vehicle coming down the highway. Yet, people do it all the time in movies with nary a scratch. This is nonsense, and it happened in "Salt" causing me to go into a nerdy rant on my website. Take that, Hollywood!

Cap Hit Math

Let the Ilya Kovalchuk Sweeps begin! Again!


Most of you probably know that an arbitrator ruled Ilya Kovalchuk's Deal with the Devils was a deliberate attempt to circumvent the NHL's salary cap, and allowed the league to void it, thus making Ilya a free agent all over again. The saga continues.


Indeed. There wasn't a whole lot of doubt about the fact that Kovalchuk's contract was designed to work around the salary cap. All they did was add a few extra years to the end of the contract with a bare minimum salary in order to make the average lower. This assumes that he won't retire once the numbers start going down...which given the length of the contract is about as far from a valid assumption as it gets. Watching Ilya, the Devils GM, and the team owner at the press conference giggling like school girls about putting one over on the league didn't exactly help their case.

Of course, the counter to this argument is that there are already a couple heavily front-loaded contracts like this one in the league (See: Pronger, Chris and Hossa, Marian) and why the league chose to arbitrarily draw its line at Kovalchuk's contract is a little fishy. The conspiracy theorists are quick to jump to the conclusion that the NHL wants Kovalchuk to play in a larger market to draw more money to the league. Whatever the reason, a stand needed to be taken, and probably should have been done before, but wasn't.

It's too bad, too...since I just did the math to come up with a contract of my own that follows the same system as Kovalchuk's now-negated deal. If I assume that I'm going to work until I'm 65 (also maybe an invalid assumption, but we'll go with it), and earn modest 4% raises each year, I figured out roughly how much money I'm going to earn in my career. If we just front-load that deal, and have me earn in the neighbourhood of $900,000 a year for the next 5 years, I can work for minimum wage until I'm 65 and come out with the same amount of money. Of course, there's no guarantee that I won't retire after those 5 years and go work somewhere else (See Favre, Brett), but it's a chance I'd be willing to take. Unfortunately, now the NHL put the kibosh on that sort of contract, so I'm stuck working for a while longer.

Not as bad as Madden

Who thinks Will Ferrell can break the Curse Of The Double-Feature?


Hmm...odds are pretty iffy on that one.


I agree. Not Long Ago, while doing a totally justified rant about the hack Nicolas Cage, I explained to everyone the paradigm of actors. Somewhere in between "Serviceable Actors" and "Bad Actors" there is a sub-category of decent actors who are just annoying. One of those is Will Ferrell. Why people absolutely love this guy is beyond me. While I don't have the hatred for Farrell that I do for the previously mentioned Cage, I can't say as if I've really liked anything he's been in. "Wedding Crashers" was quite good, but was brought down by the completely unnecessary Farrell cameo. I'm not sure if that last sentence was a spoiler or not, so if you haven't seen the movie, play it safe and don't read it.


Most people play it safe by never reading the Blag. Win-win.


Anyway...Also Not Long Ago, I introduced you to the Curse of the Double-Feature. The Tomatometer suggests that this latest attempt at breaking the curse may be successful, as "The Other Guys" is currently humming along with a 79%. We'll see how it goes.

I can't even make this stuff up

Good News! The cable company would like me to try the phone service they installed two weeks ago!


"CordSight" strikes again!


Many of you know that Not Long Ago, I succeeded in a brilliant negotiating tactic with my cable company in order to lower my cable bill by adding services. This was, of course, mere weeks after removing services in order to lower the bill they just raised and told me they couldn't lower. It was all very confusing.

Anyway, so a mere two weeks ago, the installer was at the house, kinda wondering why he was there, but went through the motions of checking signal levels and grounding and whatnot in order to tell me that everything was fine, and he didn't need to do anything. Well, yesterday I got a call from my friends at "CordSight" offering me a way to save money on my cable bill...and that's if I try out their phone service. Yes...the exact same service I had disconnected, then reconnected...they want me to have it connected so that I can get the "Introductory Rate" that I just got back.

Way to go, "CordSight"! You're inching closer to UPS in terms of companies doing moronic things. Keep trying...there's still a long way to go.

You can guess how they look at me

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Keep laughing, and they start to look at you funny.


I think I've heard variations of this before.


Yeah...I probably have too, but it seemed amusing to me when it floated through my head not long ago.

Sadly, it's been a pretty busy week at work, so not much time for Blagging. Sorry.


It's okay. Nobody likes this crap anyway.


Thank you for your support.

My Hero

We can all sleep better knowing that the Border Patrol is driving rusted-out old pickup trucks around southern New York


More like somebody confusing "Homeland Security" with biased, knowledge-free vigilante justice.


Exactly. This guy thought it would be cute and even patriotic to stick the words "Border Patrol" on his beat to crap old pickup truck a mere 300 miles from the nearest border with another country. (Mind you, I'm not counting the various Native American Reservations...which maybe I should, since they are sovereign entities...but I digress)

He's telling the world that he's responsible for keeping illegal immigrants out of the country, and good for him. He's got the ability and means, apparently, to know exactly who came to the country legally and illegally, and has been given the right...nee duty to apprehend them and deport them. I'm glad that there are people around willing to take on this burden, since the immigration office, the police, the federal, state, and local governments apparently haven't found the right way to deal with the "problem."


Perhaps it's because immigration and immigration reform is a horrifically complex issue, and people running around masquerading as officers of the law while enforcing their personal beliefs may not understand all of the aspects of it.


So to this guy who probably thinks himself a better American than you or me, I give a big hearty, "No thanks." You can keep your window sticker, your POS pickup truck, the in-cab gun rack I didn't see, but wouldn't be surprised if you had, and your narrow-minded views on immigration and patriotism. The rest of us are better off without them.

I love more classics

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


Ah, yes...classic cautionary tale from the Old Country.


Well, not exactly...but it's one that popped into my head this morning.


When you were on time for work...as in...showing up early.


What are you trying to say?


That you're not the second Mouse.


Well, when your place of work is in operation 24 hours a day, is there really ever a first Mouse?


Was there cheese?


When I got to my office, there was no cheese on the desk, no. That would actually be pretty unsanitary.

Nobody knows...

What is the sound of one Sametime Status clapping?


Sametime Statuses don't have hands, so they can't clap.


Or can they?


No..not really.


But if they could...?


Then I would imagine they have two hands just like most people and be able to clap just fine.


You're assuming they're anthropomorphic.


More that I'm just trying to avoid the inevitable conclusion here...


That, of course, being...Happy Rhetorical Friday, everybody!

Nobody will get it

Next year, I'm going to Comic-Con dressed in jeans and a plain t-shirt. It'll be hilarious.


Yes, it's true a lot of people dress up as characters for Comic-Con, but I sincerely doubt that there are no people dressed like normal people.


Have you ever been to Comic-Con?


I'm a figment of your imagination. Of course I haven't been to Comic-Con.


So you can't say for sure. I'm going to go with the assumption that everybody at Comic-Con is dressed as their favourite superhero, cartoon character, or Poorly Engineered Planet-Sized Battle Station. I'm not making that up.

In fact, HERE'S A LINK to the first gallery of Comic-Con costumes I found on The Google. It boasts 850 costumes. This is crazy...but, I suppose it's a crazy sort of fun for the people who do it, so okay. So, next year, I'll be going to Comic-Con dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.


Terrific. Speaking of terrific, nobody got your pop quiz question right yesterday.


Indeed. Of all the submitted answers, precisely zero of them were correct. The last movie starring my boy Nicolas Cage to achieve a Tomatometer greater than 75% was the 2009 epic "Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans." (87%)


I've never even heard of that.


That's the beauty of it. Nobody has. The thing has a gross box-office take of a whopping 1.7 million. For a movie that cost around 25M to make, this just won't cut it. Way to go, Nic! Prior to "Bad Lieutenant," you have to go all the way back to 2003 to go above 75% Tomatometer for "Matchstick Men." Yet, he still finds work...