Hashtag Shut Up

No, I will not follow crackers on Twitter

I bet if you were a pirate's parrot, you would. 

If I were a pirate's parrot, the word "tweet" would probably mean something altogether different in the first place.  But that's beside the point. 

So, maybe you noticed, but not long ago, there was a big football game on TV.  I went to a party to watch said game, and there was a wonderfully lucrative prop bet that I barely lost.  (No $9 for me)  The bet was to guess the number of commercials during the first half of the game that would contain a Twitter hashtag.  Technically, I was the closest guess, but more technically, it was clearly specified that we were using Price Is Right rules, and I was over by one, so I lost.  Many of the hashtags were pretty dumb, and were not for the types of products or businesses I would actually talk about on Twitter.  

Incidentally, Jeremy's Twitter account is the aptly named @JeremyIsAGenius.  It's about 80% the same crap you get here, and 20% Jeremy playing Hashtag Wars to try to get Comedy Central's attention. 

So, for these businesses to create their own hashtags in order to trick people into talking about them and giving them free advertising is a little nonsensical, but it's the way social media works nowadays.  We'll just say that's how it is and leave it there.  

This doesn't mean that I want to follow your stupid Twitter account about crackers.  

Not long ago, I opened a box of crackers.  It said very plainly on the box, "Follow Us On Twitter!"  Why would I do this?  There is nothing interesting a box of crackers could possibly have to say that would be relevant to me.  I already bought your crackers because they're tasty and I like crackers (and because I like to put cheese on them, and they make great Little Edible Plates).  That really is the extent of our interaction.  You make good crackers, I'll buy them and eat them.  I have it on pretty good authority that the crackers can't type anyway. 

I Still Like 222-2222

It must be very difficult to give your phone number to people if it starts with 867

Here's your Fun Fact for the day.  The 867 area code covers virtually all of Northern Canada, including the entirety of three territories: Yukon, Northwest, and Nunavut.  Presumably, there are 867 exchanges in many many other area codes with 7-digit numbers.

So everybody knows that Jenny's number is 867-5309.  Tommy Tutone made sure we were aware of that back in 1982, so we've got that covered.  Nobody actually knows who Jenny is, but that's not germane to the story.  The song, as would be expected, caused many people to start randomly calling the number in various area codes, because that's apparently an intelligent thing to do.  This has caused problems with people whose private residence had that number, and has also been used for financial gain by businesses who take advantage of increased call volumes of having a popular phone number.  

But what of all the other innocent people whose phone number merely begins with "867"?  Surely any time they're asked for their phone number, they have to provide it at least twice.  The first time, right after they finish the "867" part, the recipient breaks out in song, overrunning the person's actual number with "5309" before realizing that they did not actually collect the required information and are forced to ask for it again.  I would imagine after going through this process a number of times, people have started substituting their own numbers into the music of the song and have simply resorted to singing the entire thing.  I, personally, would be fascinated by somebody singing "867-9624" whether or not that person's name was Jenny. 

Not Like A "Fresher"

What exactly are crackers supposed to crack anyway?

Well, if they're really really old, they can probably do a good job cracking your teeth.  


Today's Sametime Status is just one of those things that goes kicking around in my head on occasion.  Fortunately for all of you, I actually remembered it and shared it with all of you in jaunty Sametime Status form.  You are welcome.


Incidentally, you were informed that you have to write about V-Y Day.


So it is.  For those handful of you left in the world who still care about baseball, yesterday was the greatest of all days.  Yes, kids...Victory over the Yankees.  The greatest band of high-priced mercenaries money can buy falls short once again, and the world couldn't be happier.  Of course, all of the news on the internets is about how the Evil Empire lost and not how Detroit beat the living snot out of them and are the team who's actually moving on to the World Series.  There are also plenty of stories about what's going to become of the steroid-withdrawn Alex Rodriguez and his incredibly ridiculous contract.  The articles keep talking about trading him to some other team as if anyone else in baseball is willing and/or able to pay a failing, breaking-down prima-donna 30 million dollars a year for average results.  This is, of course, a microcosm of everything that is wrong with baseball as a business, and the reason I no longer care.


You care enough to write a little one-paragraph rant.


I was coerced.  It happens.        

I could be a millionaire by now

Very ironically, I forgot what I dreamt about last night


Maybe it had something to do with why the Blag's host software doesn't have the word "dreamt" in it's spellchecker.


That could be...those little red squiggles are getting to be distracting, but this is another one of my Mitch Hedberg moments.


You got an ant farm?


Mitch did a bit one time about how as a comedian, he writes jokes for a living, so every time he thinks of something funny, he writes it down. Of course, if the pen is too far away, he has to convince himself that whatever he thought of wasn't funny. I do this fairly often, but not always with jokes. I've had songs, jokes, screenplays, sitcom episodes and whatnot go through my head at various intervals, most of which happen when I'm nowhere near a computer, pen, piano, or consciousness. In this particular case, it was when I was asleep...I dreamt about something pretty entertaining, and I'm reasonably certain it was a sitcom episode. Either way, by the time I woke up, it was gone, so I've once again only managed to entertain myself.


Sorta like what you're doing right now.


I just find it amusing that this happened again on Martin Luther King day. King, of course, being the deliverer of the famous "I Have A Dream" speech. So while most of you probably have the day off, I'll be at work lamenting the forgetting of my dream. Oh well. His was better.

It's Important

Dry Clean Only


That's very important. It keeps your Sametime Status clean and won't cause shrinkage.


It also reminds me of a great Mitch Hedberg linefrom his first album "Strategic Grill Locations". The joke goes, "This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty."

I don't know how often you go to the dry cleaners, but I can probably count them on one finger.


Ehh...about once a week or so. Depending on if I really need my ascot pressed.


Were you doing a crossword puzzle recently?


As a matter of fact, I was.

Maybe it was a classic

Today's Sametime Status wasn't funny anyway, so you're not missing much.


Uhm...so what was it?


Actually, I don't remember. Normally, I keep a couple weeks worth of Great Sametime Status Messages in reserve, and often ad-lib one on any given day if something going on in the world strikes me as amusing...such as my brand new washing machine being hooked up backwards. In today's case, I have my usual stable of pending Messages, but I thought of something this morning and said, "That would make a good Sametime Status today."

Over the course of my morning routine, I forgot what it was.


Seems pretty typical for a monday morning.


So instead, you get a Sametime Status about forgetting what my Sametime Status was. In the words of the Great Mitch Hedberg:

• "I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny."

Is YOURS?

This is a Very Super-Duper Ultra Uber X-treme Totally All-Encompassingly Low Emissions Sametime Status


That's very environmentally conscious of you, Jeremy. Thank you for that.


It's my pleasure to bring you all the best in Earth-Friendly Edutainment.

In this particular case, not long ago, I saw my first "Super Ultra Low Emissions Vehicle" or SULEV. The fact that it was Super AND Ultra really got my attention. I mean, really...something that is "Ultra" is already pushed to an extreme, and to be Super past that?! Holy crap, it must be good. I believe at that point, it is emitting nothing but pure rain forest.


That really seems to be the best explanation.


I took it upon myself to find out just how many superlatives there are to describe the emissions of cars, and just how much more ridiculous the constructs of them can get. As it turns out, the SULEV is probably the stupidest one. Here's the official list, since if it's on Wikipedia, you KNOW it's true:

• TLEV: Transitional Low Emission Vehicle.
  
• LEV: Low Emission Vehicle.
  
• ULEV: Ultra Low Emission Vehicle.
  
• SULEV: Super Ultra Low Emission Vehicle.
  
• PZEV: Partial Zero Emission Vehicle.
  
• AT PZEV: Advanced Technology Partial Zero Emission Vehicle.
  
• ZEV: Zero Emission Vehicle.

I feel well informed now. I'm going to go out today and buy a new AT PZEV. It sounds cool.

A guy walks into a Chinese restaurant...

For the record: Walking into a Chinese Restaurant and ordering a Pepperoni Pizza – Not Funny.


If you actually did this, I will lose all respect for you, and punch you.


Well, fortunately for both of us, I didn't actually do this. I was merely a witness. It happened at lunch yesterday, when the guy behind me decided this would be the height of comedy.


Did it work?


Not only did the guy taking orders not understand what he said, and thus not laugh, but I was off to the side thinking, "Wow...that has to be the worst attempt at comedy I've heard today."


Although, the exact opposite scenario is pretty comedic.


Very true. Mitch Hedberg used that particular bit in one of his comedy sketches. It's on either "Strategic Grill Locations" or "Mitch All Together"...I forget which, and I can't be bothered to look it up. He makes light of commercials that say, "Prices and participation may vary," and his dream is to start a McDonalds and not participate in anything. The result would be somebody walking in and ordering a Bic Mac. The cashier can then reply, "NOPE! We've got spaghetti!"

Math and spelling all in one!

TWELVE PLUS ONE is an anagram for ELEVEN PLUS TWO. Spooky.


I'm going to need my calculator AND a pencil for this.


Use whatever you'd like to, but it's true. It's also true that they both add up to Thirteen, which is an Evil number. And in the immortal words of Mitch Hedberg, 12 and 14 are guilty by association.


Interesting. So what's new on the internet?


Glad you asked...although soon, you won't be. Maybe I’m a little too pessimistic, but sometimes it seems that the world gets a little bit worse every day. I’m not blaming NASCAR for all of it, but there's a little too much to be pure coincidence. Somebody out on the Intertubes decided that ordinary online dating websites just didn't cater enough to their specific need to find that special someone who's as into racing around in circles as they were. Lo and behold, a new exciting website was created so you can meet your perfect match and share the special experience of watching people drive. Ladies, Gentlemen, and people from Elmira, I present to you:

Meet Me At The Races


Awwwe....that's so sweet. Wonder if one of the descriptions you have to fill out is the number of teeth you have left.

Because we care...

I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for a donut. I'll give you the money, you give me the donut...end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here! Oh wait, it's back home in the file…under 'D'…for donut."


Mitch is back!


That's right...today's Status comes to you courtesy of the great Mitch Hedberg. This particular line is from his first CD "Strategic Grill Locations" which was only available in stores if he took one into a store and left it there.


So using this message today...is there something behind it?


As a matter of fact there is...it's like you read my mind.


Quick read.


Apparently, it is the new "company policy" of the company that handles the microscopic cafeteria thing in my building to give receipts for every single transaction. I discovered this yesterday, while buying a bagel. I hand the cashier my money, as usual, and he types into the register...my change comes out of the little coin counter thing, and the cashier thrusts a receipt into my hand. Now I have a bagel, which I wanted, and a piece of scrap paper, which nobody wants. Located directly behind the cashier is a waste basket, filled to the brim with receipts, and roughly nothing else.

It's nice to know that in this age of environmental awareness and "green" business practices that some companies care enough about the world to fill entire waste baskets with unneccessary receipts, wasting not only the paper they're printed on, but the ink and electricity used to create them. I know it's not much, but shouldn't the prevailing message be that "Every little bit helps"? I thought so.


So what do I do?


If you work in my building, fill out one of those little comment cards they provide and tell them that they're wasting paper and time printing out reciepts for bagels. Fill out a comment card every time you go past the cafeteria...take some home and write them there. It's time for a campaign!


What are those comment cards made of?


Why do you ask?

I had an ant farm....

I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.


Uhhhhh...


That's right, readers! It's Mitch Hedberg time again! Mitch is one of my favourite comedians...at least partially because his entire routine is pretty much non-stop one liners and non sequiturs. This bit is from his first CD "Strategic Grill Locations" which, according to Mitch, was only available in stores if he would go into the store and leave a copy. "'Sir, you dropped this.' No, that is for sale. Please alphabetize it."


His jokes are very hit or miss, really.


That's very true...but I tend to enjoy them more often than not.


So what else is going on in the world?


Well, if you like hockey, cheesy 80's music videos, lip-syncing, mullets, and really bad moustaches, I have got just the thing for you.


Judging by the description, I think nobody will be clicking on this.


Alright then...everybody who's reading is obligated to Click On This Link to a promotional video for the Calgary Flames somewhere in the 80's. It really is a treat to watch...and listen to.


Funny how all of the players seem to have the exact same singing voice.

Yes, as do I. It is warm and crispy.

So wait, the cafeteria workers can toast croissants, but the rest of us can’t? DISCRIMINATION!!!


I don't get why this is so offensive


It seems you need some backstory.

A while back, we ran a Sametime Status that read, Contrary to what the sign tells you, I encourage you to not “Use Your Head When Toasting Bread” in the 300 cafeteria. Nothing jump-starts my morning quite like watching the toaster go up in flames.

The cafeteria in my building has a high-volume toaster, similar to the one pictured here, but ancient:



Because people had set the thing on fire so many times, the cafeteria employees actually put a sign on top of the toaster, using the quote in the above Sametime Status (USE YOUR HEAD WHEN TOASTING BREAD!). It specifically told you not to toast buttered items, croissants, or anything with cheese. This deprived me of the fun of watching the toaster ignite for a while, until somebody realized that Blueberry Muffins weren't on the list of banned substances. That was a special morning, because not only did the muffin shreds light up, but they served as kindling for the rest of the muffin, which came down the slide fully engulfed. It was glorious.

Sadly, I haven't seen the toaster on fire since. But today, I had a front-row seat as one of the cafeteria staff brazenly defied orders, and placed a croissant into the toaster. I sat back with anxious anticipation, waiting for the payoff of smoke and fire, thinking how amazing the rest of my day would be if only the morning were to get off to this start...

Nothing happened. She got a slightly over-toasted croissant. Maybe next time.