I would die twice

I really wish the stuff they cooked on Epic Meal Time didn't look so delicious


That stuff is horrifying.


Well, yes...that's kinda the point. But at the same time, it looks amazing.

Anyway...for those who are unawares, there is a group of Canadian "chefs" that call themselves "Epic Meal Time" and post videos of their culinary creations online. HERE'S THEIR WEBSITE for your edutainment. Sure, the videos aren't necessarily the most family-friendly things on the internetz, but they do bleep out the cursing, so it's not so bad.

Their specialty is creating the largest, least healthy, highest bacon-content food imaginary. They take cooking to lengths so extraordinary that it's easy to see why nobody's ever done this sort of thing before. I'm reasonably sure that none of their creations has used less than 3 pounds of bacon.

Here's the problem. The guys seem to actually be really good cooks. The stuff they make looks like it would be delicious in normal-sized portions that aren't all globbed together in one beastly assemblage. Particularly fascinating is the giant burrito they made on Mexican night. They made tacos, but used bacon instead of tortillas. I actually want to try these things, but there is no way in creation I would even attempt the sort of nonsense they do pretty regularly on the show.

Also, check out the hamburger tribute to Ben Roethlisberger. That's pretty impressive, too.

You're wasting my Internetz

The fact that somebody announces they are not running for president in April of an odd-numbered year is NOT "Breaking News"


Self. Frickin'. Explanatory.


So stop it, CNN. Jerks.

I don't know if this one makes sense or not

Watching Koyaaniqatsi makes me want to play Sim City


What on earth is Koyaaniqatsi?


Strictly speaking, it's a Hopi work meaning "Crazy life" or "Life Out Of Balance" but in this particular case, it's a film I saw recently. It's a cinematic poem, if you will, which is simply various images set to music with no characters, dialog, or plot of any kind. It just shows the balance between man and nature in an early 1980's sort of way set to a musical soundtrack by Philip Glass.

How I came to see it is a whimsical story that goes back to the sitcom "Scrubs."

There's an episode somewhere along the line where Glen Matthews, known only as "The Janitor" until the series's final episode (Oh yeah...that last sentence is a spoiler. If you haven't seen that episode, don't read it.) is giving JD the "Evil Eye" set to the opening movement of the soundtrack. At the time, I had no idea what the music was or where it had been used before, just that it was really cool. So I did the ol' Google bit on it, and was introduced to Koyaaniqatsi.

Later on, through the magic of the online DVD rental company "Internetflickershows", the film was made available, and eventually, it made its way to the top of my queue.

So anyway...while I'm watching this film, there's a sequence entitled "Grids" which shows thousands upon thousands of people going through their daily lives in New York and LA, involving traffic, crowded escalators, crowds, lines, mobs, and other commuter nightmares, all in whimsical time-lapse photography. Watching the traffic cameras during this sequence made me think of playing Sim City, and how great a Sametime Status this would make.

This has been another edition of Jeremy Is In The Theatre

Preparing my Super Soaker

Happy Dyngus Day, everybody!


Oh yeah...this sounds wholesome.


Dyngus Day is a very joyous holiday, to celebrate the end of the Lent season. Every year, the day after Easter, Polish boys get to dump water on girls and beat them with pussy-willow branches.

As per usual on the Blag here...I'm Not Making This Up.

So, get out your buckets, pussy-willow branches, and Jimmy Sturr CD's, it's party time!!!

I love a good juxtaposition

I believe, canonically, we're all required to "get down" today


And just who's canon are we following today? Pachelbel's?


Close. Today's Sametime Status is a whimsical juxtaposition. Today happens to be Good Friday, and in the Status, I allude to Rebecca Black's feeble attempt at music called "Friday" which is a really really BAD "Friday".

The lyrics of the chorus include the phrase "gotta get down on Friday" which to me seems a little presumptuous. Not everybody has weekends off of work, nor do they spend their Friday nights partying, no matter how much fun fun fun fun it is.

Anyway...I really shouldn't waste too much of my time and brain bandwidth trying to analyze this tripe. It would be better to introduce you to a much more tolerable alternative:

Rebecca Black's "Friday" (Chipmunk Version)!! Enjoy!

That's where I keep all my stuff

I like the world. Too bad it will end in another month


Uhm...end of the world again? I thought that was supposed to be last year...you know...at the start of WWIII.


Well, clearly that didn't happen, so we've all moved on to the next half-baked TEOTWAWKI theory. (That's "The End Of The World As We Know It" for those who aren't as versed)

Now, we're looking at May 21, 2011 as the date for the Rapture. So realistically, we have 5 months of torment after that, but it's probably best for you to get all of your affairs in order in the next month, just to be safe. Apparently, on October 21st, precisely 7000 years after the flood that made Noah the subject of a Bill Cosby comedy routine, God will destroy the world with fire. This is both good and bad. It's good to know when it's going to happen, so you can make arrangements, but it's pretty unfortunate to know that if you're still on the Earth after next month's Rapture, that you're doomed to be burned to death. I haven't gotten my Machine Of Death Prediction Card yet, but I'm working on it. I really should get it in the next couple weeks to see if I'm going to be Raptured or Burned. Those appear to be the two primary options right now.

So, to those of you who will be leaving us on May 21, have a safe journey, and for the rest of you heathens, enjoy your scorpions, and we'll see you in October!

I vote a strong "Maybe"!!!

Is the Suzuki Esteem the most inappropriately named car ever? Discuss!


Well, there was that whole Chevy Nova incident in Spanish-speaking countries. No va, of course being Spanish for "Doesn't go."


Yes, but the Chevy Nova was a POS car that really didn't go, so it was somewhat appropriate. Anyway...on my drive home from work, I occasionally follow a guy driving a little silver junker that probably has never seen better days. This jalopy is branded as a "Suzuki Esteem" and is quite possibly the saddest little car I've ever seen. Nobody should feel good about driving this car.

Upon doing a little research, I learned some of the performance statistics of this car, and it really just served to further my point. The Suzuki Esteem based with a 1.3L 4-cylinder engine that squeezed out a whopping 84HP. That's almost double the horsepower of the base-model Yugo. If you went with the performance package (I doubt that's what they called it), you would upgrade yourself to a 1.6L powerplant with an ear-pinning 98HP. That's darn near up to Chevy Aveo range right there.

Here's the best part...the Esteem also comes in a Station Wagon version! BAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAA!


And what was your first car?


A Chevy Celebrity station wagon. Why?


No reason.

Statistics are weird

At one point, "Season Of The Witch" was the best movie of 2011


What's this? Are you actually complimenting a Nicolas Cage film?


Not exactly. I've never seen this movie, as you might guess. I'm simply pointing out how it's very important to dig into the scope of a statement before believing it, particularly when that statement is made in an advertisement.

I often hear things like "Pennies on the Dollar" and "A fraction of the cost" when people are trying to sell me something. They don't mention the fact that 99 is a number of pennies, and 99 pennies on the dollar isn't a dramatic savings. 99% is also a fraction...and 99% of the cost is also less than earth-shattering.

So, when I hear a commercial for a movie claiming to be the "best movie of the year" and it's only April...my Bunk Alarm goes off. In the grander scheme of things, the most entertaining movies tend to come out in the summer, when kids are out of school, people are taking vacations, and going to drive-ins and whatnot, seeing more movies. Typically, the "best" movies come out late in the year, so they're fresh in the minds of Oscar voters. The leftover crap comes out in the first 4 months of the year, when nobody cares about movies. Being the "best movie" of the leftover crap shouldn't really be much of a selling point, but it was, in the case of some new movie that's coming out soon...I forget which one, and can't be bothered to look it up.

So, in order to hyperbolically make my point, today's Sametime Status points out that at one point, "Season of the Witch" in all of its 6% Tomatometer Glory (That's dreadful, by the way...lower than either "Birdemic" or "Plan 9", but higher than "Deadfall") was technically the best movie of 2011. Simply because it was the ONLY mainstream film that came out the first week of 2011. Its reign lasted a single week, as "The Green Hornet" came out the following Friday and quickly and mercifully erased it from the world's memory.


"Deadfall"? That's your benchmark for bad movies?


Well, no...but it was a rousing 0% Tomatometer clunker thrown in by my boy Cage. Which both serves to illustrate my point on the "Best movie of the year" and segue to the important news of the day...

Nicolas Cage Was Arrested in New Orleans last Friday. I didn't read the article, but allegedly, Cage was arrested in connection with a confidence scheme in which he and his agents would be hired by film directors under the guise that Cage was a good actor. This charade had been ongoing for years, and cost Hollywood untold millions of dollars. The damage to the psychology of theater-goers everywhere may never be the same. The story only gets better when Cage was bailed out of jail by the infamous "Dog The Bounty Hunter." I'm actually not making that part up.

Given the options

Having Pip Pumphandle stuck in your head at 1:30AM is more amusing than you might think


I thought you never remembered your dreams. Only the fact that they would make great screenplays.


This actually wasn't a dream. I was wide awake.


Well that just makes things more troubling. That's at least 4 hours past your bedtime.


Normally, I would agree...9:00, I'm getting my glass of warm milk. However, last night, Mother Nature had different ideas. See, I live near a large river valley, and when there's a thunderstorm, thunder tends to carry and echo very well through the region, making it remarkably loud at times. Times like...say...1:30 this morning.


So what does Animaniacs Character Pip Pumphandle have to do with it?


In addition to making it challenging to write a blag (you have to be very careful to spell his name right on a family-friendly website), one component of his cheeseball-eating with Bob Barker story is the fact that when greeting people, Pip likes to say "How do." It's a more formal way of saying "Howdy." He explains it better than I do.

Anyway, for reasons that I can't begin to explain, this part of the story popped into my head when I woke up. There was a particularly loud and abrupt clap of thunder right around 1:30AM. After being startled awake pretty instantly, I thought to myself that this was the type of noise that will make you "sit up and say howdy." I never say things like this.

Anyway...the "Howdy" turned into "How do" and things just went downhill from there. I couldn't fall asleep again until Pip met Bob Barker. Anyway...it was nice chatting with you. Bye.

I know I was

You'll be sad when you learn what "Spring Spheres" are


We can only hope they're not like those tacky reflective ball things people put in their yards.


Oh, if only that were the case. No, today's Sametime Status refers to the further deterioration of us as a people. In fact, I'm going to put this down as another in the series of Sametime Statuses I like to call "The Wussification Of America"!


Brief stop here for thunderous applause.....and go.


"Spring Spheres", as it turns out are the oblong spheroids formerly knows as "Easter Eggs". Yes, According To Some Dopes In Seattle, the term "Easter Egg" is deemed offensive enough that it needed to be removed from schools, and replaced with the politically-correct "Spring Sphere" even though eggs are not spherical. So polluting kids minds with an ostensibly neutral, albeit originally religious holiday is wrong, but polluting their minds with the fact that an egg and a sphere are the same shape is perfectly acceptable? I'm going to go ahead and Call Bunk on that.


Let the record show that Bunk has been called. So, how else is society destroying itself today?


Funny you should ask. I was recently made aware of a new product, which is really just a variation on an ages-old product, but with a slightly different use. That's right, kids...the perfect solution for busy commuters is to wear a giant adult-sized bib to keep your shirt clean and dry when you ham-handedly pour coffee all over yourself. Ladies, Gentlemen, and people from Elmira, I present The SlobStopper!

Believe it or not, THIS VIDEO is even worse. The girl walking by hates him for spilling coffee on himself, but is enamored when he puts on a bib?!? Once again...I feel obligated to Call Bunk. It's been a full day.

They Start Wednesday

Excuse me, Jim Mora? Can we talk about Playoffs now?


As long as we can still talk about practice. That's important too. We can talk about the games...but we definitely should talk about practice. Not a game...we're talking about practice.


So the NHL regular season is finally in the books, and the playoff quest for Lord Stanley's Cup is about to kick off. This, I think, is a good time to talk about Playoffs, much to Jim Mora's chagrin. Here's where we stand:

Last year's Stanley Cup champions, the Chicago Blackhawks managed to somehow outrun the Playoff Bear to capture the 8th seed in the west. They did this by doing nothing. In the last game of their regular season, the Dallas Stars were playing the long-eliminated Minnesota Wild. If Dallas won, they would secure a playoff spot...if they lost, they were out, and Chicago was in. Well, Dallas laid an egg and allowed Chicago to back in. This cost us all a moment of history too. Since the Northwest division was so lousy this year, if Dallas had made the playoffs, it would have been the first time in NHL history that every team in the Pacific Division made the playoffs. However, that didn't happen, and we all lose out on a wonderful moment.

Of course, it's all moot since neither Chicago nor Dallas would have seen the second round after seeing the runaway train that is the Vancouver Canucks with rookie defenseman Chris Tanev. The Kings (Minus their leading scorer and at least 25% of their second-leading scorer who may valiantly try to return to the ice with a shoulder injury that hasn't fully returned to strength) take on San Jose in what's sure to be a quick trip to the golf course. Phoenix will try to lull Detroit to sleep, and I really hope Nashville upsets the Anaheim (Formerly Known as Mighty) Ducks, whose play-by-play announcer makes me want to throw crap at my TV.

In the East, the short-handed Rangers (-Callahan, but surprisingly + Drury) take on the Capitals, Philly plays the Sabres, Boston hosts Montreal (whose city has returned to Canada after their invasion of New Jersey a week ago), and the Penguins (No, still no Crosby) will face the Lightning.

So, you all have two more days to talk playoffs before the games start in earnest. Enjoy!

It's how I roll now

I've been practicing putting my pants on both legs at once


Well, at least you're wearing pants. This is a good start. Learned your lessn, have you?


I have no idea what you're talking about.

Anyway...today's Sametime Status is my way of thumbing my nose to people who think they're better than everyone, but placate them by saying "I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like you." Oh yeah? Well, now I put my pants on both legs at once. I'm a winner!

They don't come much worse

Grant Balfour is a terrible name for a pitcher


Thought you were done with baseball?


Well, as much as I don't care about it anymore, I still find myself following baseball from time to time. During one of these times, I was introduced to a pitcher by the name of Grant Balfour. I'm Not Making This Up.

Generally speaking, the thing you want your pitcher to do the least is walk people. The opposition doesn't even have to swing the bat and they're on base. It doesn't get much easier than that. Those of you who have been living in a hole for the last 100-some years since baseball was invented should know that in order to walk somebody, you have to throw them 4 "Balls", or pitches that did not pass through the strike zone on their way past the batter. So if you throw "Ball Four" they get a free pass to first...effectively, you "Gave" them a free base.

Another word for "Give" is "Grant".

So, if you Grant Ball Four, you've done just about the worst thing a pitcher can do for his team. So why is it that a guy named "Grant Balfour" decides he can get a job as a major league pitcher?


A 94 MPH fastball and a 4-inch break on his cutter?


If you want to get technical, I guess.

My new sitcom called "Drink Up!"

If you go where everybody knows your name, people will just bug you for stuff


At least they'll still be glad you came.


That's true enough. So today's Sametime Status is based on some random thing that popped into my head for some unknown reason. I didn't really have much to back it up.


You could tell one of your classic jokes. Everybody loves those.


Are you feeling okay?


Must be a lack of coffee.


So did you hear the one about the Yankees fan who tried to kill a bird? He threw it off a cliff.

There was smack laid down, as well

Oh, I smelled what he was cooking. Apparently, it was pizza


Pizza? What does that have to do with anything?


Well, last night (and I learned I was doing this on Saturday), I ended up hosting a viewing of the hugely popular sports-entertainment extravaganza, which for Blag purposes, let's call "Rasslinsanity." Why did I do this? I'm still a little fuzzy on the details, but it happened, so let's just go with that.

The host, who is widely known recently for being an actor in some pretty terrible movies, (Seriously...when you're trying to be an actor, and you get cast as the Tooth Fairy, it's time to go back to pro wrestling) was a guy that we'll call "The Boulder," and he came out and yammered on for a while before people started beating each other up. One of his catch phrases involves asking the crowd if we smell what he's cooking. Despite his lack of a grill, stove, oven, or any other sort of culinary paraphernalia, we just went with it. Since we had ordered pizza, that's what I smelled, so I assumed it had something to do with him.

All in all, it was an entertaining program, and almost everything that should happen in a major pro wrestling event did. Somebody got hit with a steel chair, another guy did some sort of flippy thing and landed on another guy outside the ring, and somebody got thrown through the Spanish Announce Table. Incidentally, I firmly believe that there is no Spanish Announcing broadcast with these shows, and the Spanish Announce Table's sole purpose in life is to have somebody get thrown through it. So after all was said and done, I found that wrestling is still an entertaining occasional diversion, and really hasn't changed much in the years since wrestlers named Haystack.

Oh yeah, and that "Boulder" guy came out and beat everybody up at the end...in case you're wondering how it ended.

Your Turn!

How about in honor of April Fool’s Day, you send me YOUR Sametime Status?


The tables are officially turned. After a couple years of entertaining YOU, it's your turn to send US your Sametime Status. Have at it!