Culinary Crime

I need to buy eggs, but I don’t want to look suspicious

You always look suspicious.  I don't trust you around my goldfish.

You have a goldfish?  

Of course.  I'm allergic to cats.

So anyway, today's Sametime Status is brought to you by my breakfast.  I made french toast recently because I wanted to make a nice breakfast, but only had one egg in the house.  Then there was that whole snowstorm thing you may have heard about which prevented me from going to the store.  Long story short, my house is entirely devoid of eggs, so there will be no french toast, omelets or Eggs Benedict until further notice.

You make Eggs Benedict?

Just because I haven't doesn't mean I can't.  

So here we are today, the roads are clear and most of the stores around are open again (Word is that the local WalMart was even closed when they lost power) and I should hit the grocery store.  I didn't lose power long enough to have all of my food spoil...I just need a couple things.  One of those things would be the aforementioned eggs.  Problem is, I live in a constant state of fear that cashiers at the grocery store (or any other store, for that mater) and today is Halloween.  I'm pretty sure that every grocery cashier who scans a carton of eggs today will just assume that those eggs are destined for somebody's front door.  I don't want them to assume I'm going to be vandalizing somebody's house when all I want is a scrambled egg.  

I'll just have to wait and buy groceries tomorrow. 

Wherein We Make Friends With Klingons

Training Day IV: The Undiscovered Country

Again with the movies?  Shouldn't you be learning something?

Well, at the moment, no.  We get occasional breaks from the deluge of information provided by the training course, so we're taking a pause at the moment.


So you decided to regale us with nerdiness?


It's what I do.  Today is the last day of training, which just happens to be Day 6.  Not many film series of note have gone to a 5th sequel, so even though I did Sci Fi yesterday, I felt obligated to go with Star Trek for Day 6.  I'm sure you all enjoy it.


Speaking of weird work schedules, Jeremy Is In The Office may or may not be in the office any given day next week.  The court system finally caught up with Jeremy.


Fortunately, I'm not the defendant...I drew jury duty.


So, next week...we'll see if Jeremy Is In The Office or not.  We'll also see how he feels about capital punishment.


It's just a small town court...I sincerely doubt I'll have a noteworthy trial.  And even if I did, I don't think I'm supposed to talk about it anyway, so anything you hear about a trial will be complete made-up bunk.  It's more fun that way!

Freezing Fury

Training Day, Episode 5: Mother Nature Strikes Back


Geeze, Jeremy.  Another day of training?  Once this is over, you're going to be a genius or something.


First of all, as evidenced on this Blag, I already am a genius. 

Second of all, there's only one more day of this stuff..so it's not so bad.

Thirdly, it would seem as if Mother Nature has won another round in the war of attrition between me and my heating bill.  I actually turned the heat on in my house yesterday, signaling the unofficially official end of summer.  Something about the forecast showing solid-form precipitation and low temperatures that start with a 2 meant that I should probably break down and start paying for warmth again. 

The concept of "sleeping weather" is an interesting one that I hear about.  Toward the end of summer, I start hearing people talk about how they had "good sleeping weather" the night before.  The idea being that when it's cold, it's not too hot in your house to be comfortable while sleeping, without the use of a fan or aid conditioner.  The problem with this is that you're unconscious, and unable to actually pay attention to, let alone enjoy, the weather.  The concept seems to only apply to temperature, but as far as I'm concerned, the only kind of "sleeping weather" I need to concern myself with is anything that's quiet.  So, hurricanes and tornadoes are out, regardless of the thermometer. 

However, when it's cold, we have good sleeping weather.  I'm okay with that...I just get out the big blanket, burrito myself in the bed, and wait for morning.  My problem has started to arise with me in the morning, where the room temperature has been dropping steadily since the summer months.  In the last couple weeks, that temperature has made its way into the lower 60s in the morning.  While this would still qualify as perfectly good "sleeping weather" it's not particularly good "getting out of the shower" weather. 

These Rarely Go Well

Training Day 4…not starring Denzel Washington

 Ooo...did they Darrenize Denzel's character for the sequel?

Thankfully, no.  Today's Sametime Status is simply pointing out that I'm back in that training class I had a couple weeks ago.

Jeremy failed miserably.

Actually, Jeremy passed with a 97.06%...only missed part of one multiple-answer question which was bunk anyway.  This particular course is divided into two parts, and now we're in Part II.  Therefore, it's Training Day...and the 4th one.  Pretty simple.  

Speaking of lousy sequels and reboots...I got a chance to see the new remake of "Footloose" not long ago.  Regrettably, I did not turn down that chance.  

Even with lousy movies, the director will often get something right, often by sheer happenstance.  In the case of Craig Brewer's remake of the 1984...well...I hesitate to use the word "classic" but whatever...the only thing he managed to get right was to use Kenny Loggins' original song as the opening theme.  This is pretty sad, since all he had to do was directly copy the movie he was copying, but he pulled it off admirably!  After that, it was pretty much downhill.  

Let's ignore the completely implausible and dated plot (dancing is outlawed by an over-reactively conservative city council until a reckless youth leads a spirited rebellion in order to free himself and nail the preacher's daughter), lousy script, and atrocious acting for the time being and focus on the car.  A car that's been sitting in a barn for an undetermined amount of time, but long enough to have a thick layer of dust won't simply start right up by putting in a battery.  Usually there's some kind of gas involved...maybe some oil...and it often helps if the car is less than 40 years old.  Even if we ignore that, the car stereo which barely has enough power to drive the speakers built into the car will apparently become an ear-shattering, disturbing-the-peace-ticket-inducing pinnacle of mobile audio simply by connecting it via a single wire to a carnival loudspeaker.  Remarkable!  

I'm also not sure how many people out there who take out their frustrations with the world by dancing around an abandoned factory, swinging on rusty chains and breaking windows before falling on the ground laughing,  but apparently, this is a perfectly viable means of escape.  And if you find you're having trouble agreeing with somebody, by all means, settle your differences by driving old school buses around a figure-8 demolition derby.  That will show everyone who's boss.  Just don't ask where you're supposed to procure a fleet of customized used school buses. 

Oh yeah...I would be completely and thoroughly remiss if I failed to mention the horrifyingly awful cover of Bonnie Tyler's "Holding Out For A Hero" that was spewed upon the world by Ella Mae Bowen.  Sweet merciful crap, that was terrible.  

Before we went to see this shameless, lousy, money-grab masquerading as a movie, we were alerted to a critical review that suggested the film would be a better experience if you were intoxicated upon entering the theatre (I Am Not Making This Up).  Unfortunately for that author, all I can offer is that it doesn't help enough.  Footloose (2011) is pure junk. 

This has been another edition of Jeremy Is In The Theatre

Either Way, His Name is Jonathan

Three straight shutouts apparently isn’t good enough to make the next start

Yep...it's hockey season.  Jeremy's going to be busy for a while now.

Well, it seemed that way.  Today started off with me wanting to amuse everyone with the tale of LA Kings goaltender Jonathan Quick, who set a franchise record in his last game, recording a third consecutive shutout and now hasn't been scored upon in his last 188+ minutes of play.  All that said, he won't be starting tonight's game against New Jersey because...uhm...well...because.  

What ended up happening today though was too much fun to pass up.  I set a new record for futility at work today.  We get new computers every so often because they become obsolete and start having trouble, and all the usual reasons.  Well, today was my day to get a new computer...which for me is usually very exciting.  I get to play with new electronics and configure a new desktop and see what capabilities my new machine has.  It's great fun.  Of course, to get to that point, I have to go through the standard configuration wizard which includes the installation of all the required programs for network access and passwords and security and whatnot.  My new laptop choked on this wizard no fewer than three ways.  

A hard drive security program didn't install properly, the network access program won't run at all, and the software installation program won't update.  It was a whole new type of pathetic that I had my computer for 45 minutes before I found myself on the phone with the help desk.  That has GOT to be a new low.  Who's got a better story?

So Did Both Fans

Based on the commentary, I expected the Coyotes to win by 5 or 6 goals

 Sports Commentary sucks.

Oh boy!  It's time for another horrifyingly misguided Rant from Jeremy!  Dust off your soapboxes, everybody!  We're about to get sued!

As hard as it may be to believe, on occasion, I will watch a hockey game on TV.  Shocking, I know...but it's true.  One important aspect of watching sports on TV is the play-by-play and color commentary provided by the game's announcers.  Once you become accustomed to a certain announcing team, be they Doc and Chico, Bob and Jim, Dan and "Moose," it actually gets a little uncomfortable to watch a game announced by a different crew.  Not long ago, I was treated to a Los Angeles vs Phoenix game, with commentary provided by Dave Strader and Tyson Nash.  Since one of the teams involved was LA, I expected to hear Bob Miller and Jim Fox, but it was the Phoenix broadcast, so it was a little unusual.  What followed was a travesty of announcing.  

Dave and Tyson are what are referred to in the industry as "Homers."  That is, they firmly believe that the team that employs them (in this case, the woeful Coyotes) can do no wrong.  If you weren't actually paying attention to the game, you would come away firmly convinced that the Coyotes were playing the better game.  They were skating faster, fore-checking better, winning more individual battles, getting the better scoring chances, deserving of more power plays, getting the better of the 4th line play, fighting better, checking harder, and goaltending better than LA.  It seemed from the audio of the broadcast that the Coyotes were running absolutely roughshod over the Kings.  

Strange, then that the game ended 2-0 in favor of Los Angeles. 

Comedy Returns Tomorrow, Hopefully

If Wall Street wanted to occupy my wallet with 1% of their money, I’d be okay with that

What would you do with all that money?

What are the people who have it doing with it?

Fair point.

So today's Sametime Status is in reference to the Occupy Wall Street protests that are still going on in New York and various other places around the world...and nobody really knows why.  I get that there is a lot of unhappiness among them, but I just don't understand what they expect to happen out of the whole thing.  

The corporate world is built around growth of profit in order to increase stock prices.  There is no corporation in the world that will willingly sacrifice a couple years' worth of profits and risk the wrath of the stockholders, mainly because the heads of the companies will be replaced by people who will go back to the singular focus of increasing the stock price.  The issue right now is that corporations have forgotten how to make money.  Most sales aren't growing by the desired pace (mostly because nobody has any money left) and all that's left is to increase profits by lowering costs...which amounts to little more than taking money away from the people who already don't have it.  Ostensibly, it seems like a pretty self-destructive spiral that's been going on for the last 30 years or so and shows no signs of stopping before it crashes.  I don't know what the answer is, and neither do the protesters, or the 1% of the people they're protesting against.  

False Sense of Security

Getting a Flu shot today, even though it only immunizes against H1N1

Well, as you know, there is no vaccine against Bird Flu.  Never has been.

And unless people wake up, there won't be until it's too late.  

Anyway...it's probably important to mention that I am now vaccinated against the seasonal influenza, which means if I get sick, it's likely your fault.  A little pinch on my arm is a small price to pay for the knowledge that the weaksauce H1N1 won't get me.  

The Cost Of Sanity

The Satellite Radio company should use Election Season as an advertisement

 We'd like to say that it's that time of year again, but since it'll be going on for the next year non-stop, we don't really know what to call it.  It's a little unfortunate.




That's right, everyone...it's election time again!  Sure, we've never really stopped seeing election signs from the last election in November, then the special election in February, the other election in April and whatever the frig else people splatter campaign signs all over the world for.  As much as we all wish they'd stop, everyone knows they won't.  One method they use of destroying our quality of life is the radio commercial.  For about a month and a half before every election, 83% of the commercials you hear on the radio will be negative mud-slinging political advertisements against one candidate, which leave you a little unclear who exactly you're supposed to be voting FOR.

Not long ago, I had a free trial of satellite radio.  It was enjoyable hearing songs that I hadn't heard on the radio in some time (or ever) and being able to do so without hearing commercials.  That said, I decided pretty early on that these positives were not worth the cost of a regular subscription, so as soon as the free trial expired, so would my involvement with satellite radio.  Of course, the satellite radio company disagreed and have proceeded to call me ever other week asking if I want a subscription.  It recently occurred to me (while listening to an interview with some political candidate I won't be voting for) that their best sales pitch would be right around this time of year.  All they have to do is call me and say, "If you pay for satellite radio, you won't have to listen to political commercials anymore," and I'll be reaching for my wallet.

Rhetorical Friday Strikes Back

Who decided what order to put the alphabet in?

 I hate you.

You're choosing to hate the player, and not the game?  

Well, I chose to hate Rhetorical Friday quite some time ago.  You're responsible for this, so therefore, I hate you as well.

I pay your salary.

I love Rhetorical Friday!

That's better.  

Now anyway, the concept of Alphabetical Order has been around for as long as the alphabet, but unlike numbers and counting and that sort of thing, the order of letters in the alphabet seems more than a little arbitrary.  Why did they choose to put Q before S?  S is clearly the more important letter as evidenced by every episode of Wheel of Fortune ever made.  We're taught alphabetical order from a young age, and we never question it.  A comes before B and B comes before C...and that's just how it is.  I don't know how much sense this makes, and I would like the English-speaking world to do a full review of the alphabet so we can make sure we have the most efficient alphabet possible.  Just because we'd have to re-organize the dictionary is no reason to stick with an old, failed system.  

Jeremy's old Statistics professor used to say, "Most parts of the world speak broken English, except the United States.  There, it's been ground into a fine powder."  

Happy Rhetorical Friday, everybody!

Then Launch It Out Of A Cannon

Dunkin Donuts is missing a big opportunity by calling it a “Pumpkin”

Well, just so you know, I checked on Webster this morning, and the official term for a pumpkin is, in fact, "pumpkin."  Also, are you feeling okay?  You actually used the real name of a large, faceless, automatonic corporation.  Usually, you obscure those pretty transparently.

Well, in this case, I thought it was necessary.  Also, I'm not calling them out for being lousy or screwing something up.  They just used the wrong word in an advertisement for something that I may or may not buy.  I'm pretty impartial to pumpkin muffins and pumpkin donuts and pumpkin coffee and whatever else Dunkin' has decided to pumpkinify.  

It's surprisingly difficult to type the word pumpkin that many times in one sentence...in case you were wondering.

We weren't. 

So anyway, since Dunkin Donuts's advertising department has dropped the ball, I've decided to help them out in the form of a quick Blag post explaining how they should have done it in a manner that would have added whimsy.  The official tag line they're using is "Nobody Does Pumpkin Like Dunkin'".  What they should have done is take advantage of the shortened, folksy version of the word "Pumpkin" and made the catch phrase "Nobody Does Punkin' Like Dunkin'".  Of course, then Ashton Kutcher's lawyers would probably have something to say about that, but it makes the commercials sound better.  

You are welcome.

Almost Soothing

It’s just not the same unless my car is yelling at me

 Jeremy is a bad driver.  Do yourself a favor and stay off the sidewalks.

This has nothing to do with my driving abilities, which are perfectly acceptable, by the way.  This has to do with the pretty established notion that I am a creature of habit.  I settle into routines, arrange the bills in my wallet a very specific way, have some mild compulsive tendencies, and expect certain things to happen in a very certain way.  

One of those things is starting my car.  I have a routine.  I settle into the seat, start the car, put the seat belt on, then proceed merrily on my way.  One important part of this is the order of operations...start the car before seat belt.  I don't know why it goes this way, but I don't question it.  It has an unfortunate side effect, though.  Pretty much every car in creation nowadays has an alarm that starts to go off if you start the car without having the seat belt connected.  It's usually a pretty mild beeping that goes on while the car is going through its start-up cycle.  That noise has become so ingrained in my routine that if for some reason, I have my seat belt on before I start the car, I get concerned that there isn't an alarm going off.  The car's not supposed to not make a beeping sound at this stage of the game.

Nerdiest Post in a While

Star Trek united the world in pronunciation of the word “Data”

Ah, that nutty Star Trek.  Is there anything it can't do?

I'm sure there is, but we haven't found it yet.  

A while ago, before Star Trek: The Next Generation was on TV, there were two very distinct pronunciations of the word "Data."  There were those in the DAH-ta camp (with the AH as in "HAT", and those who went with DAY-ta.  Well, Star Trek changed all of that.  Brent Spiner portrayed the character of the lovable scamp of an android hoping to be a real boy named "Data."  

Well, the whole ToMAYto ToMAHto debate with Data was put to bed early on in the series in a whimsical exchange with Dr. Pulaski, as shown at the 20-second mark of THIS VIDEO.  

Whether you like Stat Trek or not, you have to admit that you really haven't heard anyone pronounce the word "DAH-ta" since. 

Blistery Memories

I haven't had a case of "Nintendo Thumb" this bad since before I actually owned a Nintendo

Today's post is to inform all of you loyal readers that Jeremy will be taking the rest of the week off for medical leave.  The soreness on his left thumb is too much to bear, and he is not able to press the space bar anymore.  The doctors have prescribed bed rest for 4 days.

Okay, well...part of that is true.  Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office for the rest of the week, but for entirely different reasons.  I'll actually be spending the rest of the week in an off-site training course, and I won't have access to my instant messenger, so there's really no sense in making new messages to use as a Status.  Which is a shame, because I had a really good one for tomorrow...I'll give you a hint:  It had something to do with Fire.

Anyway, to truly appreciate today's Sametime Status, the concept of "Nintendo Thumb" must be understood.  When playing an old-school Nintendo (Os the subsequent Playstation or X-Box), the left thumb manipulates a control pad or joystick.  While this can be done with a very light and simple motion, most video games are more engaging, and thus the pressure applied can become, albeit unknowingly, pretty substantial.  Extended periods of time applying this force can cause quite a bit of soreness in the left thumb, possibly even blisters, until the hand becomes accustomed to this type of action.  This soreness is known as "Nintendo Thumb."

It must also be understood that I never had a Nintendo when I was growing up.  I'm not sure how much this bothers me.  You have to factor in the fact that Nintendos were the only socially acceptable video game to have.  There's also the fact that I am made of suck at Nintendo-based video games.  It doesn't matter which ones...from Mario to Duck Hunt, Tetris to Contra...

Pause inserted here on account of you're all thinking "Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start"

I am terrible at all of them.  Now, give me a rousing game of "NHL Hitz" on my X-Box, and I'll beat the computer by 30 goals while ringing up 20 minutes in penalties and checking the goalie through the glass at least once.  (Yes, it's possible...and even legal in certain instances)  But that's beside the point.  The point is that because my thumb never got accustomed to Nintendo games, whenever I play my X-Box, I get Nintendo Thumb.  This is especially ironic considering I actually own a Nintendo now...a Wii, which does not have the Thumb affliction.  

So why were you playing video games so much that you caused this?

I was doing drywall work, which everyone knows is an iterative process.  You splatter on some joint compound, and play video games while you wait for it to dry.  Then you sand, apply more compound, and play video games while you wait for it to dry.  It's really pretty tedious, and damaging to your left thumb.  Anyway...see you all next week!