Also: Write Better Headlines

My office feels a little more 2017ish today  

Happy New Year, Jeremy.  Boy, have I got a list of resolutions for you...

So, today is the first day of 2017 where I can actually get something accomplished after spending the entire day yesterday trying in vain to unearth myself from the deluge of emails I got while I was away.  Pretty typical for an engineer's vacation.  So now, I can officially start in on 2017 with my new list of new year projects and performance evaluation metrics and other such worky nonsense.  

So, for 2017, I think you should take more showers...and try to be funny once in a while...

Since I'm not quite into the full swing of 2017 yet...

He's already written the date wrong twice.  That's another resolution for you...write stuff down correctly.  

...it doesn't quite feel like a new year in the office here.  My tiny little light-up Christmas tree is still up on top of my office, I still have at least a couple cookies left at home (all of the raisin bread is, of course, long gone), and there are still lingering bits of Christmas spirit around.  Nobody's yet yelling at each other for stupid crap like putting a shipment of our incoming materials on a truck bound for Vermont...I mean...hypothetically.  Yeah...nothing like that happened today or anything.  

Maybe you could resolve to be a little less transparent with your anecdotes.  Also, try to be funny once in a while.  

But, we're slowly and surely making our way into 2017.  Here's to you, 2017...let's make it a good one!  

Here's Your Hint: They're Not The Same

Delo od doma. Prvi april! Jaz sem v pisarni.


Grande piada, Jeremy! Melhores April Fools brincadeira você puxou todo o ano.


Hvala. To je lahko malo težko obdržati zafrkaval sveže vsako leto, vendar sem nekako uspelo najti način, da to storite. Mislim, da bo v redu.


Eu concordo. Embora, eu gostaria que você faça mais do origami. Foi divertido!  


Mogoče naslednje leto. Lep vikend, vsi! 

The Merchandise Designs Itself

My new rapper name is “E”.  Or as nerds might know me, “MC Squared”

MC SQUARED IN THE HOUSE!   

Also, LIR is my hype crew.  

YEAH BOYYYY!  IT'S BOUTS TO GET ALL SILLY UP IN HERE!   

I guess all I need at this point is a rap career.  I don't actually know how difficult that might be.  I imagine it's a little easier given the fact that I've already created My Own Record Label.

MC SQUARED THROWIN DOWN THE SICKEST BEATS AND THE TIGHTEST RHYMES ALL OVER THIS!   

Okay, that's enough hype for now, I think.  

Sounds good.  I don't want people to get too hyped or anything.  Overhype leads to things like The Phantom Menace.  

So anyway, today's Sametime Status is an important social commentary on the diversity of stage names in the rap world.  I'm joining a long and varied list of famous rappers whose names begin with "MC."  This list includes, but is not limited to: MC Breed, MC Eiht, MC Frontalot, MC Hammer, MC Jin, MC Lyte, MC Ren, MC Serch, MC Shan, MC Solaar, MC Trouble, and MC Tunes.  

Who are you kidding?  It's a terrible terrible nerd joke you thought of at like 10:30 last night and thought was hilarious.  

Uhmm....it's that, too.  

26 Or So More To Go!

Happy New Year from Jeremy's Sametime Status!


Happy New Year, Jeremy.  You'll be pleased to know that I have a nice, long list of new year's resolutions for you.  First, you should resolve to start paying me.


Fortunately for me, I made a new year's resolution to never again make new year's resolutions.  Unlike everyone else's resolutions, I've managed to stick to mine.  It works well for me.


Secondly, you're going to resolve to write better Sametime Statuses.  We're off to a rough start, admittedly, but there's plenty of time left.  


Are you going to resolve to actually pay attention to the stuff I write here?


Why?  Nobody else does.  Third, you resolve to never again make a 4-day Theme Week on the Blag here.  We caught a lot of crap over Santa Week ending on a Thursday.    


Well, that one, I can probably do.  I don't think there were enough Theme Weeks in 2014 anyway.  We can work on that for 2015.  Everybody loves Theme Week.


Well...as much as they love any of the crap on here.  


Regardless, it's a whole new year, sure to be rife with amusing Sametime Status material for your edutainment.  We hope you're looking forward to is as much as we are.  

You Came Here. This Is Your Fault

What do you get when you fill a sock with bass wind instruments made out of potatoes?

Jeremy...we've talked about this.

And based on that discussion, I decided to go with this as my Sametime Status today.  

 

But, the readers deserve better than this.

The readers, who are good and wonderful people, know what they're getting into when they come here.  This is exactly the kind of thing they come here for!

And they're going to stop if you go ahead with this, you know that, right?

Nah.  They're love me all the more for it.

You are completely delusional.  Seriously....I'm begging you not to finish this joke.

I'm going to.

Fine...don't say I didn't warn you.  So, Jeremy...what DO you get when you fill a sock with bass wind instruments made out of potatoes?

A Tube of Tuber Tubas! 

I'm leaving.

Have a good weekend, everybody!    

Old Leg Sign...or Something Like That

Happy New Year, from Jeremy’s Sametime Status!

Welcome back, Jeremy...and all the loyal readers.  I trust you enjoyed your vacation?

It was pleasant, and a nice break from work.  Though, technically, I did come to work two days last week.  But there are very few people around, so there's little point in posting an amusing Sametime Status...nobody will read it.  I'm pretty sure only three people pinged me in those two days, and none of them were regarding work.  

So, now that we're back, what're the big New Year's Resolutions?

I firmly resolve to have fewer crappy Sametime Statuses this year than I did last year.

So, you have to write...like...one good one?  You're not off to a good start.  Personally, I resolve to be more snarky and sarcastic this year.

Looks like at least one of us will meet our goals.   

 

Folding Tables are doing well, too

Pro Wrestling is the only thing keeping the Steel Chair industry afloat  


That's what you think, Jeremy. But this Sunday, at the New York Nuisance, I'm gonna show you what pain is all about!


Uhmm....yeah. So not long ago, the morning radio show was talking about Pro Wrestling, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to discuss amongst civilized adults.  


Wait until you see just how uncivilized I can be! I'm going to end your career in the ring!


It got me thinking about how often I end up sitting on a steel chair. The answer, of course, is not very often. I have folding chairs in my house, sure...but they're made of plastic or have some kind of padding on them and some kind of powder coat on the structural pieces. They're not the same brown steel chairs that you see in the wrestling ring. For that matter, you don't even see those kinds of steel chairs in the audience immediately surrounding the wrestling ring either. The only place they're ever used is in the ring.  


I'm gonna use whatever I can find to take you down, Jeremy!


As you may know, the world economy isn't the greatest these days. Many industries are feeling the crunch of people not having any money, and I can't help but think that the Steel Chair industry is no exception. I don't know about you, but I've bought fewer folding chairs this year than I have in the past. Based on a study in which I thought about it for a while and said, "Yep, that seems about right," sales of folding Steel Chairs are down 19% since 2007. The saving grace, of course, is that the bulk of the market share is taken up by sales to Pro Wrestling organizations, which are staying strong. Even in a down economy, people need to get hit with steel chairs.

As opposed to?

Unfortunately for you, I can't think of anything today


Yeah, I'm not sure how unfortunate that is, really.


Well, I find it just a little sad. I was on a big field trip for work yesterday, so I didn't get to post anything or have an interesting Sametime Status. This morning, it felt like monday, and my mind was a total blank. Nothing amusing, entertaining, or even mildly informative came to me. It was depressing.


Well, you know. They can't all be gold. Based on your prior history, about 98% of them can't be gold...so you're really in pretty good shape this week.

If I put out deer food, the Squirrels will eat it

Silly deer, bird seed is for birds!


What a coincidence. This Sametime Status is for the birds, too.


Why so grumpy today?


Well, it's one of those mondays cleverly disguised as a Tuesday, and there was a long weekend, and I didn't feel like going back to work.


You're entirely fictional. You don't have a job, or a regular sleep pattern.


Entirely beside the point.


Anyway, so one of the many projects I completed this Laborious weekend was solving the mystery of the bird feeder.


Surely one of the great mysteries of our time. Right up there with 'Where is Jimmy Hoffa?' and 'Who shot J.R.?'


So, I have a bird feeder, since birds entertain me. Recently, I started to notice the seed being consumed at a faster than usual pace. Since there is usually a pretty steady stream of customers at the feeder, I just thought that I maybe got a few more birds interested or they were getting hungrier or something. Turns out, that's not the case at all. Recently, in the middle of the night, I awoke to some noises in my back yard that sounded like the local wildlife. I'm no stranger to turkeys, deer, foxes, neighborhood cats, and the occasional raccoon, so I wasn't overly concerned. I decided to check it out, so I looked out the window to see two of the local deer standing around eating the bird seed out of the feeder.

Stupid deer. Bird seed is for birds...don't they realize that? Now, I need to come up with some way of still feeding the birds without also feeding the deer.

I'm a comedy genius

Comedy is merely looking at the same world as everyone else and seeing something different. Unfortunately, so is insanity.


The mind boggles.


Indeed it does, LIR...indeed it does.

So today's Sametime Status is a little phrase I thought of a while ago and decided was clever. It explores the line between comedy and people just thinking you're a nut. It's a very fine line, but one that I'm willing to walk for you on a daily basis. Hopefully, I'm staying on the funny side.


I'm sure you are...except for the fact that you have an imaginary alter persona, but I'm sure nobody even notices that anymore.


You're probably right.

Healthy Blagging for a Healthy Life

Sametime Statuses are delicious, and good for you too!


With this knowledge, it's a little surprising that people aren't more grateful to you for providing this helpful and heathful service.


I know. People come to me on occasion and say they enjoyed the blag...but nobody ever really thanks me for it.


I was kidding. This stuff is nonsense and everyone knows it.


But it's an amusing diversion for a Friday!


Happy weekend, everybody!

6 or 7, Depending

How many wolves are in your Wolfpack?


Oh man...since they're not actually "wolves" you're turning this into a rhetorical question and making another friggin' Rhetorical Friday, aren't you?


Actually hadn't thought of that. This weekend is the world debut of our new volleyball team called "Wolfpack". It's a reference to The Hangover.


Uhm...okay. Forget I mentioned it.


Happy Rhetorical Friday, everyone!


Dammit!

Now read it backwards

TGIAFBTWHSSMICWFITBO


Thank God It's Actually Friday, Because This Week Has Sucked So Much, I Can’t Wait For It To Be Over?


Of course. Have a good weekend, everybody!

It's plaid

Happy National Second-Hand Wardrobe Day, Everybody!


In celebration of National Second-Hand Wardrobe Day, I'll be bringing you today's Blag entry. It's sort of a Hand-Me-Down Blag from Jeremy. He's done such a crap job with it, that it can only get better. Now, I'd like to introduce my new lackey, Jeremy!


Don't get too comfortable. You only get the Blag for one day.


One day should be enough. I can bring a little respectability back to the internets.


How would you like to go about that?


I have no idea. How about we watch a video of a guy playing music on a funky custom-made instrument of sorts:

...In a Blag far far away

In celebration of "Virtual Worlds" Day, today’s Sametime Status is Imaginary


Those of us in the United Federation of Planets think this is a way of posting on the lazy.


Oh come on! Today is Virtual Worlds Day...and since the Internetz is a virtual world in and of itself, today is a day to celebrate...well...me!


Technically, you're not virtual. Only one of us is imaginary.


In that case, Happy Virtual Worlds Day, LIR. You help make this Blag a place to be.


Happy to help! Do I get presents?


I'll send an E-Card later.

The Wrath of LIR

Prepare to taste defeat! And boy is it salty!


Wait...I'm confused. This isn't the Status I had planned for today. What's going on?


Yeah. I decided to take over today after your little stunt with the grocery store yesterday.


It was an honest mistake. Just swapped notes.


Here's the real story. Jeremy didn't want this Status getting posted because of where it came from.


Uhmm...I'm sure I don't know what you mean. I....I have no idea where it's from.


Nice try. Today's Status comes to you courtesy of a Disney cartoon. That's right...Jeremy watches Disney cartoons.


WatchED A Disney cartoon...


...Called Kim Possible...about a high school student who saves the world in her spare time.


I only watched it for the bad guy. Dr. Drakken was voiced by the great John DiMaggio...more notable for his role as Bender in Futurama.


Don't change the subject. Although you do have a point. Dr. Drakken, the blue-tinted Evil Mastermind was really the only redeeming value the show had. In an amusingly ironic twist, the series ends with him saving the world and winning the cartoon-world equivalent of the Nobel Prize. Here's Dr. D in action: (After a brief inexplicable introduction from Skeletor and Cobra Commander)




Are you done yet? Can I have my Blag back? You know I have a Theme Week Quiz to get ready for next week.


You're trying to change the subject again. Just for that...here's more from Drakken...an event we like to call "Operation Gherkin":




And yes...like Jeremy said...gets your thinking caps ready. Next week is a special Theme Week Quiz. There may be prizes.