Literally Blinded With Science

So, now we have a cloaking device.  Can it hide the mess in my room?

I don't think it works that way, but you're welcome to buy one and see for yourself.  It can't be too expensive.

Depends on your salary, I guess.  If I made what Warren Buffet makes, it's probably okay.  If you make what I make, it's slightly less feasible.  Genius needs to pay better. 

Anyway, as you may have heard, one more piece of Star Trek fiction became reality this week (a mere 250 years ahead of its time) as researchers at the University of Rochester unveiled a cloaking device!  Hooray!  The contraption uses a series of standard lenses to deflect light around an object, even if it's moving, to display the background perfectly.  

No truth to the rumor that the university is unable to fire its photon torpedoes with the cloak engaged.  

It's Okay...Just Press "Reload"

I certainly hope that video games give me a mistaken idea of just how long the military would search for a stolen fighter jet

Jeremy...the NSA reads this Blag.  You really shouldn't say things like this.

Wait...I have fans in the government?  

You're being investigated for jokes against humanity.  

So, on occasion, I like to play video games.  When I do, I don't necessarily like to play them in the commonly accepted way.  For example, a common goal in a hockey game I play is to finish the game with as few players on the bench as possible, the rest of them having been given Game Misconduct penalties for Abuse of the Official.  I have a different hockey game where I have perfected a method of scoring a shorthanded goal after checking the opposing goalie through the arena glass into the front row of seats.  I routinely win games by scores exceeding 20 goals.  

I've recently taken up a game you've probably heard of in the news for being too violent and immoral for kids to play.  Fortunately, I'm not a kid, so it's okay.  It's a driving/shooting/crime spree game which, for strictly blag purposes, we'll call "High-Value Larceny Involving Cars."  It's an awful lot of fun, but it's also getting a little stale by virtue of the fact that I'm expected to go on missions and stuff, when I'd rather just be playing around driving and blowing stuff up.  Fortunately, there is room for both.  

The game, despite its name, also involves planes and helicopters, some of which you're allowed to use, and others of which are pretty restricted...like say, the military's fully armed fighter jets.  They're in a restricted area, behind barbed wire fences, with tanks and armed personnel guarding them in a no-fly zone which has SAM missile batteries.  Naturally, it became important to me to have one.  

If you look online, you can see several methods of obtaining one of these prized possessions.  Some of which, I've discovered, work better than others.  After only about a half hour of trying (83% of which is spent looking at the stupid loading screen), I successfully made away with one. 

My "Wanted" level immediately became dangerously high, with police and military in hot pursuit...but I'm in a high-speed fighter jet!  After about 3 minutes of flying away from the major metro areas, everybody gave up, and I got to land my new fighter jet in my personal hangar free and clear.  Yay!  

Now, I don't know this for a fact, but it is my sincerest hope that the actual US Military would spend more than 2 or 3 minutes searching for a stolen fighter plane.  Those things can be pretty dangerous in the wrong hands.  Not to mention the fact that they're at least fairly expensive.  So, while it would be super cool for be to be able to park my own personal F-16 in my driveway, I'm pretty sure it would be discovered quickly, and the original owner would be along to repossess it.  He probably wouldn't be too happy about it, either. 

I Just Want Heated Seats

If I drove as badly as that guy in the car commercial, I’d deserve to get in all those accidents  

As your resident accountant and financial adviser, I don't think this is a very good idea.  You can't afford the extra insurance on your salary.  

Fortunately for me, I'm An Excellent Driver, so I don't much have to worry about this sort of thing.

So, maybe you've seen the commercial going around now for some entry-level luxury car, I quite honestly forget which, which shows all of the wonderful new safety features it has.  It has a lane departure warning, a blind spot monitor, a front-impact detection, and maybe some other stuff.  The problem is, all of them were demonstrated by the commercial's driver on a standard commute to the office.  

Holy crap!  This guy sucks.  

If you're so mentally unfocussed that you can't pay attention to your highway driving, and actually require every last one of a car's safety warnings to make it to work, then you're doing something wrong.  

I'm okay with these features existing.  I've almost had accidents because of a blind spot, or some other idiot's blind spot or lack of attention, but this commercial makes it seem like this is a regular part of this guy's life.  He's a total jerk who must have been in dozens of accidents until this car came along to save his bacon on a routine basis.  I think it's more important that the car company advertise where this chump lives so I can make sure to stay away from him on my drive home.  

As a special note, all of us here at Jeremy Is In The Office would like to wish everyone a very happy V-Y Day!

That's right.  What's left of the integrity of Major League Baseball is preserved once again as the New York Yankees have been officially eliminated from playoff contention.  Now, there's only a few more times left where every team in the league is expected to bow down and kiss Derek Jeter's feet before he retires, freeing up 12 million dollars for the Yankees to spend on other teams' free agents this offseason.