I love the classics

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


Is that what happened to my paper?


Uhm...of course not.


What's more impressive about this is that you're up before dawn. Morning's suck.


I agree. Now...in case you missed it yesterday...


Which we all did because of your day savagely full of meetings at work...


Yesterday was "Barbie and Barney Backlash Day," a holiday created by Wellcat Holidays and Herbs in an excuse to sell more greeting cards. Apparently, you're also supposed to tell your children that Barnie and Barney are imaginary. So, to all of the Loyal Readers out there...I consider you my family, so let me be the first to say, "Barbie and Barney are not real." Sorry.

Friggin Heralds...

Pet Peeve: People who call the song "Hark The Herald"


You're clearly referring to the timeless holiday carol "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing"


Yes...and this bugs me more than you might think.


Here we go.


So, since our society has become lazy, we prefer to shorten everything we can...especially when it comes to pronunciation. Names (William=Bill, Jennifer Lopez=J-Lo, Bradley Pitt and Jennifer Aniston=Bennifer), Cities (Soho, SoCal, Dowisetrepla), restaurants (KFC, Mickey D's, Double D's), pretty much everything. I'm guilty of it too...one particular person who plays a key role in my sitcom grew accustomed to calling me "Jer" and then one day she randomly called me "Jeremy" and I was confused. It's really all part and parcel with The Wussification Of America...which is fine, except when it goes too far.

All of the names and places mentioned above at least make sense when you use them. But calling this song by the abbreviated name "Hark The Herald" is meaningless. It's laziness for the sake of laziness, and demeans the meaning of the song. You're saying to the world, "I don't care what the song is about or what it's supposed to mean, I'm going to shorten it because I don't feel like saying the whole thing." Is anything worse?


Probably...


The answer is a resounding "NO!"

Let's examine. A "Herald" is much like a fanfare. "Hark!" is like saying "Hey...listen." In the song, you're not listening to a mere fanfare. You're listening to a choir of angels announcing the birth of Jesus. They're Herald Angels! So, listen up people...the Herald Angels are singing. Pay attention!

Take that, True Love!

On the 13th Day of Christmas, I took all that crap back to the store and got a refund. Ka-Ching!


No use for partridges?


Not even Laurie.


Wait, what?


So today marks the start of the last week of work before the holiday break.


And the completion of a sentence with three consecutive prepositions.


I thought I'd take this opportunity to familiarize you with the upcoming Jeremy Is In The Office schedule, since I have nothing better to talk about today. There will be all-new Sametime Statuses this week. The week of the 19th will be vacation, and the week of the 28th will be all-new stuff for a few days before new year's. It's going to be great.


You mean like a great tragedy, or a great waste of time?

Occupational Hazards

3.....2.....1.....Happy New Knee, Mark!


Loyal Reader and volleyball cohort Mark will be undergoing surgery to repair his Anterior Cruciate Ligament this morning. Everyone here would like to wish him a speedy recovery.


Of course, when I first heard the news of Mark's torn-up knee, I felt bad for him. This will undoubtedly be a pretty long and arduous journey back to the volleyball court. But then, I started thinking about the surgery itself, and my thoughts turned to The Todd...particularly this moment:

I really want to do more of these

People Who Just Don’t Get It; Volume 1: The person driving a Range Rover who swerves to avoid a speed bump.


Today's Sametime Status is the first in a recurring theme of posts designed to make fun of people who just don't get it. Today...drivers of unnecessary SUV's


I'm not going to come out and say that SUV's are bad. I'm sure they're safer than micro-type cars, unless you happen to be trying to turn at a modest rate of speed, and the ability to drive over curbs when the traffic patterns don't suit you can be remarkably handy. However, the vast majority of SUV commercials we see these days promote the off-road capabilities of these vehicles...particularly the more expensive ones. In fact, certain SUV dealers have a special off-road course for you to test drive the trucks on so you can learn just how well they handle savage terrain before you buy the thing so you can drive it straight to the McDonald's Drive-thru.

The one that bothered me the most was a recent viewing I had of a person driving a Range Rover. For those of you unaware, this is a remarkably expensive SUV (starting MSRP is just on the short side of $80K, says the website) which can handle any sort of off-road capability you can throw at it. This driver veered wildly to the side of the driving lane so that they would only run over a speed bump with the wheels on one side of the car. While I agree that this lessens the impact on your car...you're driving a car that's designed for just such an occasion! Don't be That Guy...drive in a straight line and take the bump. Let your SUV pretend it's in the wilderness somewhere...that's what you paid for, right?

Annoying...

32 and holding!


Happy Birthday, Jeremy!


Nope...not my birthday.


How many friends you have on Facebook?


No...couple more than that.


Uhm...then I'm out.


That's the air pressure in my tire that went flat this past weekend. I got it fixed thanks to my exceptionally kind hosts, made it home safely and hope to have no further issues with it.

It still kinda sucked.

Theme Week, Part Rudolph

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Jeremy’s Non-Shopping List! Item #5: Droid


It's officially the Holiday Season! Time to spike the punch at your office nondescript holiday party and photograph the results. It's also time to risk identity theft while shopping online for all the gifts you're going to buy everyone on your list. Here at Jeremy Is In The Office, we strive to make things easier for you, the gift-giving public. We're also hosted on a secure server.


As you probably know, I can be a bit nerdy at times. It's true...I know. And nothing excites nerdy people more than technological gizmos...especially if they're shiny. One of the shiniest new gizmos out now is a new Smartphone (on coincidentally the same phone network I currently use) by Motorola called the Droid.


It's also pretty expensive, so you can probably forget about any of the loyal readers buying you one. Good luck with that anyway, though.


Droid was the subject of a vigorous advertising campaign to unseat the iPhone as the smartphone of choice among nerdy people who think they need this sort of nonsense. It was also the subject of a Great XKCD Comic. Since I really like my current phone, but it has bluetooth connectivity issues, I've thought about getting a Droid since about a month before they came out...but for the time being, I've decided not to get one.

Theme Week, Part Donder and Blitzen

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Jeremy's Non-Shopping List! Item #4: Volleyball


It's officially the Holiday Season! Time to sing off-key carols to your neighbours and then demand tribute in the form of snacks and hot cocoa. It's also time to futilely tear through every mall in creation thinking about what gifts you're going to buy everyone on your list. Here at Jeremy Is In The Office, we strive to make things easier for you, the gift-giving public. It's also a great way to see which of the loyal readers truly care.


So you may or may not know that I enjoy participating in the occasional volleyball game. It's true...really. It's pretty much my most time and money-consuming holiday. So much so to the point where I don't feel like buying my own ball anymore. Sure, I've looked at them, and Even Have One Picked Out, but I'm just not going to buy it right now.


Weird...didn't you just get a new Wilson AVP ball and a Mikasa FIVB ball fairly recently?


Well, yes....but here's the deal. The local outdoor doubles tournaments have historically had the Wilson Gold ball as the ball of choice. Apparently, supplies of this ball started becoming a bit limited toward the end of last summer, so the tournament director is considering a switch to the Spalding KOB ball. I don't have one of those...and it's very sad. Not sad enough to go out and buy the thing yet, of course.

Theme Week, Part Comet and Cupid

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Jeremy’s Non-Shopping List! Item #3: Tool Box


It's officially the Holiday Season! Time to don your nightcap for a long wintr's nap, and start peeling carrots for Rudolph. It's also time to tear your hair out thinking about what gifts you're going to buy everyone on your list. Here at Jeremy Is In The Office, we strive to make things easier for you, the gift-giving public. It's also easier than shopping ourselves.


Today's "Thing That I'm Not Going To Buy For Myself In The Next Three Weeks" is a staple in every handyman's arsenal. No, I'm not talking about duct tape, (That's the Handyman's Secret Weapon I'm talking about your basic toolbox.


So many "Tool" jokes, so little time...


Since becoming a homeowner, I've had to learn to fix stuff more often, in addition to performing home improvement and renovation type projects. This is all well and good, and over the months, I've managed to accumulate most of the essential tools for performing these tasks. I've also gotten fairly good at fixing some things, aside from the bathroom sink which just gets weirder, but that's beside the point. The point is that most of the tools sit around on a shelf in my garage, with no discernible organizational system whatsoever.


You don't have an organizational system for anything.


While that's also true, I have plenty of ways of carrying stuff, but no way to carry a couple handfuls of tools. This is where the toolbox comes in. I've looked at several, and most are cheap plastic junk. Some have faux diamondplate glued to the outside of the plastic to give the appearance of structural integrity, but is there merely for show. Those are arguably even more lame. So I thought about getting a decent toolbox, big enough to hold a fair amount of junk, probably having a drawer or two, and with some actual rigidity to it...but decided against it. For now.

Theme Week, Part Prancer and Vixen

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Jeremy’s Non-Shopping List! Item #2: Crepe Maker


It's officially the Holiday Season! Time to blow up the inflatable Santa, sew up the holes in last year's stocking, and bake more cookies than you can eat in a month. It's also time to go completely loopy over what gifts you're going to buy everyone on your list. Here at Jeremy Is In The Office, we strive to make things easier for you, the gift-giving public. We also like to get stuff.


Today's item that I won't be shopping for between now and XMas is a griddle thingy designed for making crepes. As you may know, I have a penchant for trying new and interesting recipes...most of which involving cookies or other sweets. As you may also remember, I went to France earlier this year, a trip complete with eating a not-insignificant number of crepes. Combining these two items, and it should come as no shock that I want to learn to make my own crepes, and may have even bought my own little jar of Nuttela for just such an occasion. All I need is the maker.


Also known as a griddle.


Yes, it can be done on my existing griddle, but I don't know if it has quite the even temperature distribution required for crepe making...and it's also square. All the crepes I had in France were round. Keep in mind that the best crepe maker comes with a little wooden stick thingy for spreading out the dough. I like to refer to is as a "Crepe Zamboni."

I've pondered buying myself one of these things for a while now...mostly just searching online, but I've decided not to buy one...at least before January.

Theme Week Part Dasher and Dancer

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Jeremy's Non-Shopping List! Item #1: Movies


It's officially the Holiday Season! Time to set up the tree, string up the lights, get plowed on egg nog, empty a chemical toilet into a storm sewer, and listen to Every Washed-Up Has-Been Come Out With A Christmas CD. Of course, it's also time to go completely bat crap over what gifts you're going to buy everyone on your list. Here at Jeremy Is In The Office, we strive to make things easier for you, the gift-giving public. It's also a wonderful chance to suck up for good swag.


One of the biggest complaints I get from my adoring fanbase...


Both of them...


...is that I tend to buy myself all the stuff I need and/or want. This leaves little wiggle room for generous donors, and the constant questions of, "Gee....does he have one of these yet?" To alleviate these concerns, this week will be chock full of stuff I will NOT be shopping for this upcoming holiday season.

First on the list: Movies.


27 Dresses, here we come!


Specifically, good movies. A lot of them came out this summer, and I've talked at length about several of them. Those will all be coming out On DVD before Christmas in an attempt to get you to spend your hard-earned gift-giving money on them. Let it work! In order to avoid any confusion, I will NOT be buying myself any movies between now and Dec 25th.

Happy Slapsgiving, Everybody!

Less Yappin, more Slappin!


So, you obviously watched the Slapsgiving Day II episode of How I Met Your Mother last night. Seems fitting to celebrate the holiday.


What better way to spend the holidays than slapping people? Seems like a good idea to me!

Anyway...sorry for the short Blag post today, but it's my last day before heading out for Thanksgiving. Happy Turkey Day, everybody and safe travels!


Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office starting tomorrow and returning monday, 11/30 with more blaggy goodness, and we're told a fun and exciting Theme Week! See you next week, everyone!

Thanks to you, too!

I'm Thankful for Sametime!


Happy Thanksgiving to you, too! If you're going to be posting a list of stuff you're thankful for, might I suggest a Theme Week?


I thought about that...but since it's going to be a short week (Will only have Sametime Status updates monday and Tuesday this week) I decided not to have a 2-day Theme Week.

To make up for that, I'll be running a Theme Week next week after everyone gets back from vacation and recovers from the turkey hangover. It's going to be a fun and informative community service...of sorts.


Ooo! What is it? Will there be prizes?


We'll all find out together next week. And there may be prizes...for me.


Your Theme Weeks get worse and worse. Remember that time you had people wad up paper and throw it at each other, and called it a prize?


Everybody loved Virtual Snowball Fight!

6 or 7, Depending

How many wolves are in your Wolfpack?


Oh man...since they're not actually "wolves" you're turning this into a rhetorical question and making another friggin' Rhetorical Friday, aren't you?


Actually hadn't thought of that. This weekend is the world debut of our new volleyball team called "Wolfpack". It's a reference to The Hangover.


Uhm...okay. Forget I mentioned it.


Happy Rhetorical Friday, everyone!


Dammit!

That was a horrible song

I find it ironic that everything I bought at Target yesterday was blue


It's not ironic, it's just coincidental!


It could be both. Target is known for the color red. Their logo is red, the bulk of the inside of their stores are red, the floors are red...and the only things they sold yesterday that were worth buying were blue.


Did you feel sad about buying that stuff? Is that why it was blue?


It wasn't all that exciting, I'll grant you that. Nothing worth being sad over. Maybe next time I'm in a store, I'll look for shiny things.

Frustration is apparently fun

I never thought Slinky was all that wonderful


I'm pretty sure the "It's fun, it's a wonderful toy" lyrics were more along the lines of "Makes a great gift." It's a tag line to get you excited about the thing



Certainly the case, but it's a poor choice of words. You look at a Slinky, and there's not all that much to wonder about it. It's a metal spring. Sure, it can walk down the stairs alone or in pairs...but you don't really wonder how it does it. It's simple physics. You can also use a Slinky to illustrates some of the more complex laws of wave physics...but again, there's not a lot of wonderment going on. It's science!

You may actually spend more time wondering why the stupid thing DOESN'T go down the stairs the way it does in the commercials. I swear, those people have some really narrow stairs or something. The more accurate lyric in the song is when they say it's a marvelous thing. You truly do marvel at how quickly people can fly off the handle when the slinky doesn't work.


Are you going to go play with your Slinky now?


Probably.

You can see stuff up close

Free Scanning Electron Micrograph images! Cool!


Wow...that's usually a pretty expensive and time consuming thing. Who's providing this service?


Free SEM's are coming to you courtesy of the fine folks at Aspex Corporation who are inviting everyone to send them your stuff so they can look at it under an ultra-powerful desktop SEM. People have sent in moldy sandwiches, cheese, plywood...all sorts of fun things to look at under a microscope. And why? Because they can!

What would YOU like to see under a SEM?

It would be Awesome-Awesome

Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje should change his name to Boutros-Boutros


Aside from the obvious...why would he do that?


There really is no other reason. I would just love to hear some sportscaster announce the name "Boutros-Boutros Boumtje-Boumtje". It would be amazing.


Too bad he's already graduated to the pro ranks.


Very true...if he were still playing in the NCAA tournament, I think it would be nothing short of amazing to hear Dick Vitale (who normally I find to be a ridiculously obnoxious gasbag) scream out "Boutros-Boutros Boumtje-Boumtje Baby!!!" Picture that in your head and tell me if you don't laugh.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

Happy Paraskevidekatriaphobia Day, everybody!


Okay, so I checked the website you use to find all these goofy little obscure holidays, and this one isn't on it. What gives?


Well, Paraskevidekatriaphobia as everyone knows, is the fear of Friday the 13th. So even though it may not be a recognized holiday, it's actually strangely relevant today. I thought I'd just give a shout out to all my Paraskevidekatriaphobic friends out there.


Very thoughtful of you. Happy weekend, everybody!

I don't need this in the morning

What’s the word for being better at the gym than somebody?


"In Better Shape"?


Nah...that's not quite what I'm going for here. You can have people who are in pretty good shape who absolutely suck at the gym. Conversely, some of the most out of shape people are the ones who are the best at gymming. What I'm really trying to say here is...gym people suck.


Wow...actually didn't see a rant coming here. Twist ending Blag!


I'd specifically like to call out "that guy" who goes to the same gym I do. I have no idea who he is, what he does, or if he's even a good guy. All I know is, he sucks at the gym, and I totally kick his butt at it. Near as I can tell, the main part of his workout at the gym is sitting in the locker room telling people what he's going to do for his workout...in bizarrely descriptive detail. He'll sit there and say, "Yeah...I'm gonna go run 6 miles" or "I'm going to go do 100 situps now...yeah...100 situps." to whoever he thinks is paying attention.

I'm not going to sit here and doubt his ability to run 6 miles or do 100 situps, or claim that I'm better than him at these things or in better shape than he is. I can't run 6 miles...I'll be perfectly honest about that. I can do 100 situps, but there are things I find more important at the gym. What I am going to doubt is if he ever does any of these things. I've never seen it. I've never seen this guy do anything more than walking at a mildly brisk pace on a treadmill. No situps, no weights, no machines, no running, no cycling, no elliptical thing...just treadmill walking.

I'm totally better than that.

Read this

Should a news anchor actually have to say "Listen to this"?


It does seem a little repetitively redundant.


News programs suck.

You're already watching the news, which means you're listening to things that the anchor is saying...so why does the anchor feel obligated to emphasize a point by prefacing it with "Listen to this"? It's moronic.


So are most news anchors.


One of our pastimes at work is to watch the news program at lunch and make fun of the anchor for saying stupid things or make fun of the stories being told on the news for pretending that they're news. The fact that some musician put out a new video the day before they go into therapy is not news...I don't really care about it. The lady who won a million dollars and a hug from a mascot clown at a burger chain is not news.

Not long ago, the anchor decided to interrupt a sentence with "listen to this" in order to emphasize an ironic point in the story. It actually didn't make the story newsworthy...so it became a Sametime Status.

It's about time

"Daddy's home." - B. Stinson


All of the Legendary quotes from Barney and this is the one you pick?


Well this one seemed the most appropriate today. After a season-and-a-half long story arc involving Barney and Robin dating, that nonsense is finally over and we can go back to the Barney we know and love. I just hope the rest of the show/writing hasn't degenerated enough that it can't recover from this disastrous plot line.


Dorsal fin circling?


You know...the phrase "Jump The Shark" gets thrown out very quickly on TV shows now when somebody doesn't like something that happens. In hindsight, whether or not that turns into the true Jump The Shark moment or not really remains to be seen. The example, of course, being Happy Days in which everybody who ever watched the show points to Fonzie jumping the shark (literally) being the exact point at which the show started going downhill. One failed story arc does not a Jump The Shark moment make...and I'm willing to give How I Met Your Mother a chance to redeem itself (There are two slaps left, after all). However, if the show is never quite able to recover, I will be the first in line to point to "Sandcastles In The Sand" as the moment the show started to tank.

Herbs are healthy

Any lingering desire I may have for a healthy breakfast goes out the window on Garlic-Herb Cream Cheese Day


What a coincidence. Any desire people have to be in meetings with you also disappears on Garlic-Herb Cream Cheese Day.


So the Adorably Tiny Cafeteria Thing In My Building rarely gets anything right...the new paperboard trays they instituted last week being a perfect example of them screwing up a formerly good thing. One area of extreme sway is the cream cheese supply for bagels. They usually have three flavours available: Regular, Cinnamon (blech), and the flavour of the week. The flavour of the week varies widely from things like Olive (I throw up a little just thinking about that), to onion (ehhh), to Roasted pepper (pretty good), to Garlic-Herb (Holy crap!). Garlic-Herb is amazing. It gives me a reason to get up in the morning, and to buy lots of mints at the grocery store. The sun seems to shine a little brighter on Garlic-Herb day.

Of course, eating a bagel with cream cheese every day is not necessarily the healthiest thing to do, and it also gets boring after a while. I like to mix it up with some toast, or oatmeal, maybe even a banana...but on Garlic-Herb day, there really is no discussion. It must be done. Because before I know it, Garlic-Herb day will be no more, replaced by olives....evil, evil olives....

Now read it backwards

TGIAFBTWHSSMICWFITBO


Thank God It's Actually Friday, Because This Week Has Sucked So Much, I Can’t Wait For It To Be Over?


Of course. Have a good weekend, everybody!

This is why there's Hockey season

It's not so bad that the babies finally have their bottle, but now we’re going to have to hear about it for an entire year


As Willie so gleefully pointed out last night, the New York Steinbrenner's won the World Series last night. Good for them.


Indeed. After years of what can be described as nothing but miserable failure, the Steinbrenner's finally managed to buy the World Series. All it took was to continue using Major League Baseball as their own personal farm system to purchase another first baseman, two starting pitchers, and a new catcher. Not to mention the entire outfield they already bought to match their shiny new third baseman.

I kinda wonder just how sweet a victory it is to be put in a locker room with a bunch of mercenaries and have to pretend that you're actually a team if you happen to win.

No, I'm not whining about the economic disparity between baseball clubs, although it would be nice to see MLB get with the times and accept a salaray cap like every other major sporting league. Now that the Steinbrenners won the World Series again, that may be more likely, of course...but my issue lies more with the very concept of Steinbrenner Ball. (My own term for having none of your own talent, but solving all of your team's woes by throwing more and more money at them) Sure, it's the American Way, but the only thing that it serves to do is further your own interests, and not that of the sport as a whole. It's become a foregone conclusion that if a team develops an elite player, as soon as they're eligible, that player is going to leave to one of 4 maybe 5 teams who will be throwing around more money than anyone else. Why is it such a bad thing to take economics out of the equation and let proper team management, scouting, and training (you know...things actually related to the sport) be the deciding factors on whether or not a team is good?

It's true that Yankee fans are in the elite among obnoxious sports fans (See also: Cowboys, Dallas), and while your favourite team (and seriously...if you have never lived within 100 miles of NYC, you have no excuse for having them be your favourite team) may have won the World Series, it should feel like the emptiest of victories. This is not your team...this is a team cobbled together from the best of everyone else's teams because you could pay more for the pieces. Enjoy your victory...it certainly won't be the last, but do keep in mind that any other outcome would have been nothing short of pure disgrace.

You'll get it

There's a fine line between bravery and "Asking For It"


I'm really hoping this comes with an amusing story of you crossing that line and ending up with some consequences. Please please please be the case...


Your concern for my well-being is noted, and I'm sorry to burst your bubble. Today's Sametime Status was thought up during a recent trip to the Adorably Tiny Cafeteria Thing In My Building. A gentleman was in the middle of tempting fate while dealing with the Famed Toaster of Hades.

You see, toasting preferences vary from person to person and from item to item. Bagels toast slower than bread, rye bread should be less toasted than wheat, nobody should ever toast a blueberry muffin and expect to get away with it...etc. High-volume industrial toasters are ill-equipped to deal with all of these variations and since the Cafeteria workers have removed all adjustment knobs from the face of the toaster, the only variable we have at our disposal is number of cycles. If one is not satisfied with the level of toasting achieved, another cycle can be run. The danger, of course, is that one can not un-toast an item once the Famed Toaster of Hades has its way.

Our friend here decided that a single toasting cycle was insufficient for his breakfast needs, so his toast went in again. Having dealt with the Toaster on a number of occasions, I was mildly concerned for him. To my abject terror, following two rounds of toasting, he studied his food carefully and put the toast in for a third go-round. This, my friends, is dancing with the devil...pale moonlight or otherwise. I thought to myself, "wow...this guy is brave." Then I thought to myself, "nope...this guy is asking for it."

And also whoops...

Am I the only person who remembers the words to that McDonald's commercial with Beethoven's "Fur Elise"?


Yes.


I don't think so. There must be somebody out there.


Most people don't really try to remember commercials for fast food chains.


But people still remember "Where's the Beef?" and that's basically the same concept. It was years ago, McD's ran a commercial with a girl playing "Fur Elise" at a piano recital while mentally singing lyrics about going to the restaurant after the show. There was something about her brother being a jerk and taking her french fries, and I can't imagine anyone who would do something like that.


You would do something like that. In fact...I'm pretty sure you have done something like that in the past.


The problem here is that I can no longer hear Fur Elise without expecting the girl to play the wrong note that goes along with "And also whoops and also fries."

It's troubling.

Smell my feet!

BOO!


Uhmm....eek?


Hahahahaaa. Nailed it! Happy Halloween, everybody!

They're Still On Notice

The one time UPS does something right, and I'm not around to see it.


Okay seriously, Jeremy...you're going to get us sued.


I would actually love to see those court papers..."UPS vs Jeremy and his Imaginary Alter Persona"


Get on with it.


So, I've told you before about my feelings for UPS and their dubious success record for me. Well, they finally got one right...and I'm the one who managed to screw it up.


Way to go, pinhead.


So yesterday was the long-long-long-long-long awaited release of the new Trans-Siberian Orchestra album "Night Castle". Not wanting to be without the disc any longer than the 4 years that it was already delayed, I ordered mine online in advance, and it was to be shipped in time for me to have it Tuesday. I thought at one point I read in an email that it would be delivered monday. Extra exciting!


Lousy hook. Continue.


Monday afternoon, I come home from work, and there is no package waiting for me. I figured it's no big deal since CD's always come out on Tuesday, so mine should be delivered on Tuesday and I erred in reading the email. I left the house a little before 5:30 to play volleyball and by the time I got home, it was dark. Little did I know that UPS showed up just after 6PM and left the package on my doorstep. I simply missed it on my way back in.

That night, I was asked by a friend how the CD was, since I had mentioned that I thought it would come on monday. I had to humbly say that I was mistaken in the delivery date and that the CD was not in my possession, not knowing that the box lay no more than 15 feet away.

On a lark, I checked the UPS tracking website Tuesday morning to find that the CD was delivered monday evening. I'm an idiot.


Yes you are.


So, to my friends at UPS: Thanks for delivering my CD on time and leaving it safely on my doorstep. I take back one of the bad things I've said about you over the years, but remind you that you are still on delivery probation. Now that you've proven you can deliver correctly, I will expect continued proper service in the future.

Blah

Yeah, I’m boring today.


I agree...it doesn't seem like a very exciting day. Tuesdays just aren't interesting.


Well, in lieu of a good Blag post today, here's a video from an OHL game in Erie this past weekend. It includes a goalie fight! Enjoy, everyone!

They're also a little sticky

I wonder if the Mets will have another gooey season next year.


I guess that depends on how...wait, what?


Not long ago, I was driving to work following a person whose license plate said, and I'm quoting here: "GOOOMETS". As is my usual custom, I figured out what it actually meant, then figured out fun ways to contort it into something else.

Obviously the person is a fan of the New York Mets, and why wouldn't you be?


They stink.


But if you live in New York, you certainly have the right to be a Mets fan. For the record, there is no excuse for being a Yankees fan regardless of proximity to New York. But the point is that they spell poorly, and added a couple extra O's on to "Go". It's always been a relatively simple work to spell...one of the first I ever learned, in fact. So I decided to mock them for requesting the Mets to be a gooey team. It also reminded me of the children's book "Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooey" which is more fun than thinking about baseball during hockey season.


Queue some Yankee fan spewing crap in 3....2....1....

It's like I've heard it 52 times...

Rock Lobster is NOT HOCKEY MUSIC!


I have to agree with you, Jeremy...it's really not.


But it's just....wait...what? You agree with me? Are you sick or something?


I need a ride to the airport this weekend, so I'm being nice.


Well that makes sense. So, the organist decided to play Rock Lobster at a recent Kings game...and it just bugged me a little. I thought I'd share it with you today. Enjoy your weekend, everybody!

The ducks love it

I have a bumper sticker on my fishing boat that says "I'd Rather Be Working"


Work gets kind of a bad rap, doesn't it?


There just aren't many bumper stickers that promote having a good, stable job out there. Maybe there should be.


Going into the Bumper Sticker business are we?


Probably not.


So you have a big announcement today, don't you?


Indeed I do. Today marks the 500th post here on Jeremy Is In The Office.


Holy crap...500 posts? It seems like only yesterday it started.


It's true...according to the counter on the blag's log-in screen. The Word doc where I have all of the messages saved is now 47 pages long and suitable for publishing. Maybe I'll add in some pictures of hockey and toasters before I release it to bookstores nationwide. Watch for my book signing tour coming soon!

Problematic

Why is it that only lousy songs get stuck in your head?


Because you only listen to lousy songs? Come on...I've seen the list on the Blag here.


Everyone has had a song stuck in their head...and the reaction is always the same. "Awe crap! I have that awful ____ song stuck in my head! MAKE IT STOP FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD AND PLENTY!!!"


Overreaction, party of one. Your table is now ready.


You get the idea. Whenever you get a song stuck in your head, it tends to suck. So instead of an actual good song that can be entertaining me all morning, I get stuck with that new crappy song by a group that could also be named "Asthmatic." That song stinks, by the way.

The consequences are dire

Helpful Volleyball Tip #83: A "Back 3" set is designed to go to the Weak-Side hitter, not the Middle Blocker.


Usually, you only use 83 when making up statistics.


Well, 57 didn't seem appropriate here, so I just went with it.


So tell me about this Back 3


Well, when playing organized volleyball, the attackers are positioned across the front row. The player farthest to the left (when facing the net) it called the "Outside Hitter", the player on the right is the "Weak Side" or "Opposite", and the player in the middle is called the "Middle Blocker." The setter generally positions himself between the Middle Blocker and the Opposite, facing the Middle Blocker, and has a variety of options at his disposal. He can set the Middle directly in front of him, set higher and farther to the Outside Hitter, or he can set slightly behind him to the Opposite.

Sets come in various heights, and there really is no universal naming convention, so we tend to keep things simple. A "One" is a very low, quick set to the Middle, a "Two" is a moderately low set that can either be played by the Middle, or the Outside, depending on the play that is called. A "Three" is a medium-high set to one of the Outer Positions (Outside or Opposite, depending on direction), and a "Four" is a high set to the Outside.


Seems like a remarkably simple system with only four numbers. How can somebody screw this up? Must be a real chump.


Well, what happens on occasion is an overzealous Middle Blocker will decide that everything is being set to them regardless of height or location. In this circumstance, a Back-3 (A Three to the Opposite) is mistaken for a Two and the Middle will go out of his way to try to play it. Only problem is that the Opposite is right there already playing the ball and the resulting collision can be quite painful, I would imagine. I guess it could result in a bruised eye for one player and a sore elbow for the other. Either way, we end up losing the point. So...kids...play your positions.


Were you the bruised eye or sore elbow?


Actually neither...I was the setter...I only got a front-row seat for all the fun.

Simple Mathematics

Attention City of New York: One escalator at a time, please.


I know, I know...it's the first in a series of messages about parapsychological...oh wait. It's actually a new message today. About friggin' time.


I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.


Thought as much. So what's the deal with the escalators.


Well, the economy is a little rough right now, so the city of New York seems to have cut down on the number of teams they have working on escalators in Penn Station. It's a very busy train station I was in recently, and it contains a fairly large number of escalators, as you might imagine.

Most of these escalators are broken.

Most have signs saying temporarily out of service (Mitch Hedberg would prefer they say "Escalator Temporarily Stairs" but that's beside the point) or have some vague mention of an upgrade or renovation that's in progress. Only problem here is that I saw precisely one team of people actually working on a broken escalator. I know you don't want to pay these guys to sit around not fixing an escalator, but in this particular case, the backlog was tremendous. These poor guys will be fixing escalators until rapture, but probably not make any progress. What is the MTBF for escalators anyway? I imagine it being on the order of weeks, not hours.

What did this mean?

Déjà vu: The experience of feeling sure that one has experienced a new situation previously.


Yeah, yeah...who didn't see this one coming?


It's interesting that you bring up precognition, since I was actually thinking of bringing it up in a later Sametime Status. You see, today's Sametime Status is the first in a series of messages designed to edutain people about various parapsychological conditions.


Really Jeremy? That was interesting on monday...maybe cute on Tuesday, but now it's just kinda getting ridiculous.


I'm not sure what you're talking about..Tuesday's Sametime Status was the latest in the saga of the Famed Toaster of Hades. I didn't start the Parapsychology series until today.


So when is this nonsense going to end?


Wow...a rhetorical question, too! You're really helping the Blag today. Thanks, LIR.

What did this mean?

Déjà vu: The experience of feeling sure that one has experienced a new situation previously.


Really?


It's true! Today's Sametime Status is the first in a series of messages designed to edutain people about various parapsychological conditions. I have a very mild passing interest in various psychological and parapsychological phenomena, including my own irrational fear of applesauce, so I thought I'd spend some time on the Blag here shining a little light on them. It'll be a thing!


We're already getting hate mail over this.


How is that even possible? This is the first one!

What did this mean?

Déjà vu: The experience of feeling sure that one has experienced a new situation previously.


Yeah...great. Can we move on now?


I'm not sure what you're talking about. Today's Sametime Status is the first in a series of messages designed to edutain people about various parapsychological conditions. I'd hoped to make it a recurring thing on the blag here.


It's not as if it's difficult to scroll down and see yesterday's message, you know. The Internetz do have that technology.


Yesterday's message was about Bird Flu or something...I really can't be bothered to look it up.

What did this mean?

Déjà vu: The experience of feeling sure that one has experienced a new situation previously.


Uhm....wait a second...


Yes...today's Sametime Status is the first in a series of messages designed to edutain people about various parapsychological conditions. It's gonna be a thing!


Are you messing with me?


Not at all...I consider myself an expert on the subject having taken a freshamn-level psychology course at the technical school where I went to college. I also used to run an online ESP ability test. It was fun!


Not exactly what I meant...


So enjoy today's Sametime Status, everybody!

What did this mean?

Déjà vu: The experience of feeling sure that one has experienced a new situation previously.


Would this have anything to do with you losing the finals of a volleyball tournament for the fourth time this season?


No, but thanks for bringing that up.


It's what I do.


Today's Sametime Status is something more along the lines of a series of messages designed to edutain people about various parapsychological conditions...or something.


Maybe some of the loyal readers can peer into the future and realize when this is coming up so they can avoid this crap.


Well...many of my loyal readers do try to see messages in the future. Usually they say something mildly amusing or do something mildly idiotic and say "Oh...I know what tomorrow's Sametime Status is going to be." 87% of the time, they're wrong...about the same success rate as any other ESP ability test and every other time I have to quote a statistic on this Blag, which is a remarkable coincidence.

A year is as a day

How long will we need Rhetorical Friday?


Okay, seriously? We stopped needing Rhetorical Friday right about the second time it happened.


Rhetorical Friday is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon.


Wow...lifting quotes from The Frantics now. Good thing we have Rhetorical Friday.


Maybe you'd like to start Sarcasm Thursday.


That would be fun.


Sarcasm?


Maybe.

More of a squeaky slam, really

The Things That Go Bump In The Night should do so more quietly so they don't wake me up.


Good morning, Jeremy. How are you feeling?


Little tired, actually. It was windy last night.


And you're going to rectify that by going to bed early tonight?


Not a chance. Tonight is the big Office wedding, and the Kings are playing at home. My main issue comes from the exhaust valve on my boiler at home. It tends to open and close on occasion if it gets very windy...and is kinda squeaky in the process. It's not so annoying except for the one time it did its thing at 1:30AM this morning...causing me to wake up. It was a little annoying.

Oral hygiene depends on it!

When did toothpaste become so complicated?


Oh for the love of all things good and plenty, please tell me that Rhetorical Friday isn't spilling over into Wednesday now.


Not at all. Today's Sametime Status is most definitely NOT a rhetorical question. I really want to know when toothpaste got so complicated.


Never found it all that problematic...you squeeze from the bottom, put it on the brush and go to town. What part of that escapes you?


I recently got a new tube of toothpaste...and as is often the case nowadays, it's sealed for my protection. It had some goofy inverted plastic cap inside the standard plastic cap...and I could not figure out how to get it out. I poked at it and it just popped a hole in the center...then I tried to pull it out, but it tore, and I finally managed to just shove it the rest of the way into the tube to allow the toothpaste to flow unobstructed for now. I'm sure it will clog up again very shortly, though.

So I ask again...when did we start putting this bizarre non-removable cap in my toothpaste?

I also enjoy Youtube videos of nutshots

Proud Member Of "People Who When They Hear A Story About An Avoidable And Crazy Death, Laugh As Is Expected Of Them And Then Make A Mental Note To Not Do That Thing Anymore"


Seems like a pretty okay club to be in...though maybe not all that exclusive.


Like the old saying goes, I don't want to be in any club that would have me as a member.


So how were you made aware of this club anyway?


It was mentioned in Yesterday's Dinosaur Comics.


Very insightful comic, Jeremy. I'm glad, though, that Utahraptor set T-Rex straight...like always.

There's no Spam filter on Blags

"However it may head be, meal Valentine, you need must battle not be ala trodden "By the smell way," said phone the major, "you pocket know I have onl


Jeremy apparently suffered a massive head injury this weekend, resulting in today's Sametime Status. We all hope for the best and wish him a speedy recovery.


Actually, I'm fine...no head injuries at all.


Oh...sorry. I thought with whatever nonsense you posted here today that you brain was no longer wired for cognitive thinking.


It's actually close to that. Today's Sametime Status comes to you courtesy of some Spambot sending me email designed to get me to go to some website and order a product to make something bigger or smaller...or maybe send my bank account info to the deposed Prince of Zamunda...or claim my reward from some foreign lottery. It's all gold.

Either way, one technique used by Spambots to avoid filters is to splatter some actual words into the email to make filters think it's a legitimate email. The result is the amusing sentence written above.

Not even kidding here...

That’s the second biggest Toaster Fire I've ever seen!


Nothing brightens a morning quite like watching the toaster go up in flames.


Indeed. You all remember the Famed Toaster of Hades, right? Well, the recent period of breakfast-torching inactivity turned out not to be the fact that somebody actually fixed the Toaster. As it turns out, the Toaster was simply resting up, only to strike with a vengeance this morning.


I'm actually glad it did...I saw what your Sametime Status was going to be before that happened.


It's true. I actually had another edition of Rhetorical Friday planned for all of you, and even had it set as my Sametime Status while I went down to the adorably tiny cafeteria thing in my building. As I approached the toaster, I noticed the charred remains of a roll on the counter next to it and knew that evil was lurking. A man stood in front of the Toaster, a growing look of dread crossing his face as his bagel stuck to the conveyor. As has happened so many times in the past, a cloud of smoke began to erupt from the front of the Toaster as its latest victim bursts into flame.

And all Guybrush Threepwood jokes aside folks...this was quite literally the second biggest toaster fire I've ever seen. I don't know if anything will top the Blueberry Muffin Incident, but this was as close as I've seen. I'm talking about a substantial amount of flame shooting out at least 3 inches in all directions from the bagel and enough smoke to cloud half of the cafeteria. It was glorious. One of the cafeteria staff actually came over and shut off the Toaster to get it to stop burning and went to find wet towels to clean up the wreckage. It was that good. An excellent start to my weekend. See you on monday, everyone!

Yeah...they're getting a beatdown

some play for the money and some for the fame, but he simply plays for the love of the game, putting the puck in the net makes heroes for the fan, but putting guys in the hospital makes him the main man


This sounds like a wholesome Sametime Status to be sharing with your younger loyal readers.


Astute readers will recognize this as a poem about hockey.

More astute readers will recognize this as being appropriate for opening night of the 2009-2010 NHL season.

The most astute readers...and actually the ones who scare me a little, will recognize this as an excerpt from the poem "The Hockey Goon" by Michael Kenneth Panton.

Evil Jeremy will likely ask some silly question feigning ignorance about hockey. Don't let him fool you...he's actually a closet fan.

Take that, doughnut!

Fine. I'll throw the doughnut myself!


Internetz Food Fight!! WOOOO!


Not as such.


Awwe...


I don't often remember my dreams, but when I do, I feel obligated to share them with you. In this particular case, I was dreaming that I was starring in a movie with Julia Roberts. I don't especially care about Julia Roberts as an actress one way or the other, which makes it a little more weird, but that's beside the point.

We were filming an action sequence which involved a doughnut (Chocolate covered, but not cream filled...so why bother?) flying across the screen and splattering on something. Apparently, the props guy was incompetent at throwing the doughnut properly so we had to do take after take until the director threw a fit and announced that he was going to be throwing the doughnut instead. So there you have it.


Whatever "it" is.

This bugs me more than you'd expect

Water-based real estate is weird. Oceanfront = Elite, Lakeshore = Vacation, Houseboat = Low-Brow, Van Down By The River = Homeless


Uhm....yeah. Nice Matt Foley reference.


I have no idea what made me think of this...but it does amuse me. Real estate in proximity to water is not necessarily an indication of social status.

Matt Foley, of course is a motivational speaker portrayed by Chris Farley famous for teaching kids how not to end up living in a van down by the river. Here's A Link!!

Maybe it'll even continue into the weekend. Who knows?

Good news, everybody! Good News Thursday has been held over to Friday!


Yay! Good News Friday!


No...more just an extension of Good News Thursday. See, this week has been pretty busy here at work, so I didn't have time to inform all of the loyal readers here that yesterday was Good News Thursday.


Good News Thursday, Part II?


Sure! Happy Good News Thursday, everyone!

It's a little creepy, actually

I'm reading your Sametime Status, too.


I would hazard a guess that at least some of the loyal readers here don't have Sametime Statuses.


Not the point. It's a little funnier at work when people look at my Sametime Status and find out that I'm reading theirs too. I amuse me.

Yes I do

You bring up a valid point


That's very true, Jeremy. I'm glad you brought that up.


I know! Not many people think about it that way, but when you look at it just a little differently, it all makes sense.


It's almost enough to make you wonder how you could think any differently.


And yet, some people do. Go figure.

So just stop it

Okay, people..."Should've" is a contraction of "Should" and "Have." Not "Should" and "Of"


I see people do that all the time...it's sort of annoying.


I see what you did there. People writing stuff on the internetz seem to confuse contractions with separate words. It's funny at first, but it gets pretty old quickly...and also pretty sad when you start to see it happening more and more often. Much like pronouncing the 't' in often. So...for those of you out there who need the grammar refresher course...here are contractions and word combinations that you mess up too often:

Sort Of - Not "Sort've"
Kind Of - Not "Kind've"
Should've - Not "Should Of"
Could've - Not "Could Of"

Rhetorical Friday Movie Night!

What Would Kelly Reyes Do?


Again with Rhetorical Friday?


Of course! Everybody loves Rhetorical Friday!


There is no part of that sentence that isn't a stretch. So who is Kelly Reyes, and what would she do anyway?


Kelly Reyes is a character in the classic 2008 film "Impact Point." It's a great movie about murder, lies, and corruption all surrounding an AVP beach volleyball tournament.


Have you actually seen this movie?


I have not. That's beside the point.

It's back!

"Normally I don't condone leaving early, but I have an appointment with a horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know." Dwight Schrute; Dunder Mifflin


Wow...it's been some time since you've had an Office quote up in here.


True...it's been a long summer without new episodes, but the new season premier is tonight. I'll be watching!

It's that day!

Happy Anne Bradstreet Day everybody!


Woohoo! I'll get out the streamers and party hats. Everybody likes to celebrate Anne Bradstreet Day!


Uhm...who's Anne Bradstreet?


I guess she's a poet or something.


And she gets her own day?


Why not?

Why did people even see this?

I almost want to see Beyonce’s video now


Nobody watches music videos anymore...well, maybe the one for She Wolf, but that's for all the wrong reasons.


I guess that's a side point. Unless you've been living in a hole for the last 2 days, you're aware that a rapper whose name I won't repeat here because he's an idiot who I don't want associated with my Blag interrupted Taylor Swift's award speech. He apparently thought that somebody else made a better music video that nobody watched.


How is it that neither the winner of "Best Male Video" or "Best Female Video" won "Video of the Year"?


Also an interesting question that I don't really care about. What concerns me is the number of people that watched an awards show for music videos. Nobody watches music videos and Awards shows suck...so who's watching this double-stack crap sandwich?

Future Victim of Identity Theft

The cashier at the home improvement store now has a 50/50 chance of guessing my address


This concerns you?


It does. In this day and age, anything people learn about you can be dangerous.


So maybe you shouldn't post your daily exploits on a webpage with millions of loyal readers.


Fair enough. I'll alter some of the details to protect the innocent.

It was time to get a new mailbox. I discovered last week while picking my mailbox off the ground that only about 4" of the post were underground...and the end of it was kinda rotted, too. Overall, it was a pretty sad state of affairs, so it was time to go. This involves buying a new mailbox and post at the local "Highs" franchise of home improvement warehouses. While I was at it, I purchased a new post, some cement to encase the thing in, and some new numbers so the postal worker could be sure they were delivering my stuff to the right address.


They'll still give you your neighbour's mail quite often.


Entirely beside the point. It occurred to me while checking out that the cashier now knows potentially what my address is. For today's explanation, I'll use my old address so you can't hunt me down. Let's say I purchased a "1" and a "9" along with a new mailbox. You'll know with certainty that my address is either 19 or 91. There really are no other options. Now, if you can just determine what street I live on, you now know exactly where I live and which phone line to tap if you plan on stalking me. I unwillingly invited this upon myself, and now I'm a little scared. I mean...this cashier has access to cement and power tools and as much plastic sheeting as he'll need. It's more than a little unnerving.

Theme Week, Part Fire

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Back From Vacation Week! The perfect solution to the California Wildfires: Food Club brand Charcoal!


Okay...here we go again. I'll prepare the legal briefs.


What if I prefer the legal boxers?


Wait, what?


So anyway...last week's vacation included grilling, as vacations on a lake often do. Unlike home, where I push a button and fire appears in my propane grill, I was roughing it. The grill at the lake is one of those old-fashioned ones where you have to put charcoal in the bottom and light it with a match first.


The horror. Whatever did you do, Jeremy?


I went to the grocery store in town...a chain of Markets with a self-distributed reputation for Quality products, including the store band "Food Club." Seeing as how I didn't want to spend any more money than necessary on charcoal that wouldn't be necessary anywhere outside of this vacation, I purchased a bag of "Food Club" charcoal for all of my grilling needs. What followed was ridiculous.

I poured charcoal into the grill, arranged the briquettes into a pyramid, like I'm supposed to, and squirted some lighter fluid (Incidentally, also Food Club brand) and lit the stack. The lighter fluid proceeded to burn happily among the charcoal, so I went inside to tend to my upcoming food. I went back out to the grill about 10 minutes later (You're supposed to wait 15 minutes for the charcoal to properly start and be all burning and charcoaley), and the entire pile was black and cold. No heat whatsoever coming from my charcoal. I tried more starter fluid and re-lit...a couple minutes later, all evidence of flame or heat were a distant memory. This process, I kid you not, went on for an hour and a half...futily trying to turn a pile of charcoal into a grill only hot enough for long enough to cook a frickin' hamburger. No luck. I ended up cooking my burger inside on the stove.

It was right about then that I came up with a new episode for my sitcom.

Theme Week, Part TV

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Back From Vacation Week! I should be a sitcom writer


Interesting thought. Take some people...put them in situations and try to make comedy out of it. Original.


One thing that I monkeyed around with a little while on vacation was my sitcom ideas. It's fun to play around with stuff like that and see what comes out of it.


So what did come out of it?


Don't even ask to see the results, because I'm not going to show them to anybody except a network executive looking for the breakout hit of the new season. Look for my name in the credits of your favourite new show.


Here's a hint...it's not going to be there.


Someday...some day.

Theme Week, Part Mosquito

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Back From Vacation Week! Mosquitoes grow near water


Everyone knows this. You've given us nothing to work with today. Nice going.


Actually, there's more to it that simply stating that mosquitoes are prevalent near the water. They grow there. For some reason, water-locale mosquitoes are nearly 83% bigger than standard mosquitoes based on a scientific study in which I quoted a statistic from a TV show.


So when you're making up stats, you're always going to use 83%?


Can't think of a reason not to.


So today's date is like the answer you got that time you asked out that cute German girl...


Nine, Nine Nine....yeah...thanks for that.


Happy to help.

Theme Week, Part Duck

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Back From Vacation Week! Mitch Hedberg was right about ducks


Welcome back. The Internet was a duller place without you.


It's good to be back.


How was vacation?


It was very relaxing, in addition to being a somewhat educational experience. I've decided to dedicate the rest of this slightly shortened week to relating my learnings to you, The Most Intelligent Readership In The World. Today's topic...Ducks.

Ducks are cool, but also a little bipolar. The great comedian Mitch Hedberg once said "A duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread," and I've found that to be 100% accurate. Ducks don't think much of me, generally...


Neither do we, really.


But they become my good friends once I'm throwing bread near them. They all gather around and quack happily until they've eaten all my bread, and then go right back to ignoring me. They're kinda jerks in that way, really...

On a somewhat related note, near the lake I was at last week, there are at least 50 ducks. I know this because a couple kids were feeding ducks and the poor tykes were descended upon by masses upon masses of ducks, all anticipating bread. It was like something out of that one Hitchcock movie about all the birds...the name of which escapes me at the moment.


I'm sure it'll come to you at some point.

Or is it?

Is this really a rhetorical question?


If I answer "Yes" then it wasn't a rhetorical question. It's a circular rhetorical fallacy of some sort.


But you haven't answered yes...you just responded with rhetoric of your own. It's really quite an exciting way to spend Rhetorical Friday!


You know what would be exciting? If Rhetorical Friday would go on vacation or something.


Funny you should mention that...because I'm going on vacation! Woohoo!


Woohoo!


So I'll be out until Labor Day. In the meantime, I suggest you take the week to peruse some of the other Status Message Blogs out there or just enjoy the holiday. I'll be back on September 8th with more of the Sametimey goodness you know and love.


See you when you come back!

Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office starting tomorrow and returning on Tuesday, 9/8. In an emergency, please contact Evil Jeremy's Sametime Status.

Yee-haw!

Somebody may now explain to me why my MP3 collection includes “She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy” by Kenny Chesney


The sad thing is that you actually know the answer to this, but you're refusing to acknowledge it.


Well, I certainly know why it came into my collection. It was to play at a hockey game against Elmira. The problem is that it remains in my collection to this day...long after I stopped caring about Elmira hockey.


Or Elmira in general, really...


This is a classic example of me needing to cull my MP3 library once in a while. I have stuff that I've downloaded for other people, stuff I've downloaded by mistake looking for other songs, and stuff that I've downloaded for a specific purpose that has long-since passed. All of this is taking up valuable space on my computer, my other computer, one of my other computers, my MP3 player, my other MP3 player, or my GPS (which has an MP3 player).


Sounds like you need to cull your stable of MP3 playing devices while you're at it.


When you list them all together like this, it does seem a little much.

Wait, what?

The National Boomerang Championship has a “Long Distance” division. I’m not making that up.


There's a National Boomerang Championship?


Yes...and they have multiple events including "Long Distance." This makes no sense to me because....you know....it's a boomerang. It's supposed to come back to you. It would stand to reason that the thing you want least out of a boomerang is distance.


That reminds me of a great joke. "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick!"


Maybe the Distance award is like the Ig-nobel prize of the Golden Raspberry awards. Given to the biggest fail.

It's plaid

Happy National Second-Hand Wardrobe Day, Everybody!


In celebration of National Second-Hand Wardrobe Day, I'll be bringing you today's Blag entry. It's sort of a Hand-Me-Down Blag from Jeremy. He's done such a crap job with it, that it can only get better. Now, I'd like to introduce my new lackey, Jeremy!


Don't get too comfortable. You only get the Blag for one day.


One day should be enough. I can bring a little respectability back to the internets.


How would you like to go about that?


I have no idea. How about we watch a video of a guy playing music on a funky custom-made instrument of sorts:

You can actually never use your car

If Sametime Status is not visible, have your computer towed for service


Car Owner's Manuals suck.


Time for another rant I see. I'll get the Tylenol.


When you buy a car, you get a free Owner's Manual. It's at least mildly impressive because it's about 700 pages long and you get it for free. Go to your neighbourhood bookstore, and you'll be paying at least $15 for a 700 page book. Seriously...try it.

What's only slightly less impressive is the fact that the manual is 700 pages long and contains no information whatsoever. I've been writing this blag for around 2 years now, and have only come up with about 300 posts of non-informative crap. It's quite the endeavour to get up to 700 pages.

I recently decided that the headlights on my car are aimed incorrectly. That, and everybody else on the road who flashes their highbeams at me to get me to turn mine off (even though they're not on) have all agreed. So, I moronically decide to flip through the owner's manual to see how to go about adjusting the things. You know what it tells me? That I shouldn't try to aim the headlights myself, and to take it to the dealer to have it serviced. I looked online and found a website showing the location of 2 screws that adjust the direction of the lights. Seriously? My car's manufacturer has so little faith in me that they actually document the fact that I'm incapable of turning 2 screws? I decided to look up other things in the manual on a lark to see what they suggest doing.

Headlight burned out - Take to dealer for service
Change Windshield Wiper - You can do that yourself
Dead Battery - Tow to dealer for service
Check Engine Light On - Tow to dealer for service
Low Coolant Light On - Take to dealer for service
Blown Fuse - Take to dealer for service
Low Power Steering Fluid - Take to dealer for service
Change Oil Light On - Take to dealer for service
Turn Signal Doesn't Flash - Take to dealer for service

Holy crap! Not only can I not do anything myself, but in at least a couple cases, I'm not even allowed to drive the car...I have to get it towed to the dealer. Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, but I've actually performed some of these maintenance tasks myself (I won't tell you which ones), clearly violating the manual.

Here's the more troubling thing for me. The apparently appropriate maintenance response to just about any of these signals is to take the car to the dealer for service. Why then do we need a 700 page owner's manual? I can take care of their recommendations in one sentence:

• If something in the car breaks, starts to make noise, leak, or light up when it's not supposed to, take the car to the dealer for service.

There. I've solved one of the automakers' issues by consolidating the owner's manual to a scrap of paper no bigger than you'll find inside a fortune cookie. Assuming a company sells 10,000 cars a year, which I'm certain is a conservative estimate, and given the $15 price of a 700-page book we all agreed upon earlier, I've just saved one auto company $150,000 without sacrificing the quality or safety of their product one iota. I'll be waiting patiently for my check.

I'm sure it would be good

I’m still not completely clear on what Billy Cole would do


Probably something along the lines of what Brian Boitano would do, I'm guessing.


Perhaps. So for those of you unware, Billy Cole is a character in the movie "Cloud 9" featuring some form of volleyball tournament or another. In preparation for this weekend's volleyball tournament, a bunch of us will be watching this movie. Hopefully, it will bring us as much insight and inspiration as Zach Barnes did the last time.


Monroe Clark rules...that boy has some sweet hands.

...In a Blag far far away

In celebration of "Virtual Worlds" Day, today’s Sametime Status is Imaginary


Those of us in the United Federation of Planets think this is a way of posting on the lazy.


Oh come on! Today is Virtual Worlds Day...and since the Internetz is a virtual world in and of itself, today is a day to celebrate...well...me!


Technically, you're not virtual. Only one of us is imaginary.


In that case, Happy Virtual Worlds Day, LIR. You help make this Blag a place to be.


Happy to help! Do I get presents?


I'll send an E-Card later.

You're going to hate me for this.

A sham trial involving a Moose puppet, cascading ping pong balls, and Mr. Green Jeans: Captain Kangaroo Court


Just terrible.


Glad you liked it.


Does this have anything to do with the fact that you own a Moose puppet?


Actually, it really doesn't. I'm often told that I used to love watching Captain Kangaroo when I was little, but I quite honestly don't remember much about it. Just that the good Cap'n wore some really awesome suits. The existence of a Moose and Mr. Green Jeans is Hearsay.

It'll take a long time to cook this way

It's pretty annoying when your propane tank runs empty mid-steak


Sounds like you had a steak on the cold yesterday.


Well, not exactly. If you'll remember A While Back, I told you about a funky wireless grill thermometer I have. Well, I was watching the handset intently (A watched pot never boils, but a watched steak over flames still cooks as it turns out) waiting for it to reach optimum temperature...and when it was about 13 degrees below setpoint, it seemed to stall. I was curious and hungry, which prompted me to look out at the grill...where there were no longer flames.


13 degrees isn't so bad. Definitely above tartare.


Exactly, so while my steak was on the rare side of medium...it was not exactly to my liking, but totally edible. Of course, the fact remains that I have a couple bratwursts sitting in my fridge right now that belong on the grill tonight, and an empty propane tank. I can see this being problematic.


Sounds like you need to get a refill on the quick.

Posting on the sly

Grammar is fun! To convert an adverb to a noun, add the prepositional phrase "On the..." and insert the original word. Example "Cheaply" becomes "On the cheap"


Of course, the opposite does not always hold true. You can't substitute "I'm riding Busly" for "Riding on the bus."


Well...why not? I propose we all spend the week replacing prepositional phrases starting with "on the" with simply the adverb form of the object of the preposition.


You ended that sentence with three consecutive prepositional phrases.


Not the point. So, the rest of the week everybody...it's up to you to work "on the quick" or be "on the busy." It'll be fun!


Or post a blag "on the crappy."


That's the spirit!

Theme Week, Part *Wink-Wink*

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Conspiracy Theory Week! Donald Rumsfeld profited from Bird Flu at the expense of innocent taxpayers


Don Rumsfeld owns somewhere between 5 and 25 Million dollars worth of stock in a company called Gilead Sciences, Inc., a company for which he once served as chairman. Why is this important, you might ask? Because this company owns the patent on a drug commonly known as "Tamiflu" which has been touted to decrease the severity of an influenza infection and has been claimed as a potential cure for Bird Flu.


So during the last few years, whenever news of a Bird Flu outbreak happened, people rushed to the store to pick up scores of Tamiflu as a first defense against the upcoming global pandemic.


And every time one of those doses flew off the shelf, a Bush cronie pocketed more money. Who was responsible for most of the (albeit justified) fear and panic and making sure that everybody knew about every single outbreak? That's right...the government, headed by Mr's Bush and Rumsfeld.


It's quite plain to see that the government doesn't really have a vested interest in the inevitable Bird Flu pandemic because everyone will die. However, making sure that there is a panicked shopping frenzy because of an out-of-proportion news report about a small potential outbreak really is in their best interests. Or at least in the best interests of their wallets.


That's far from the only Bird Flu conspiracy out there, too.


Oh yeah...The government of China had long-ago suspended research on a cure for Avian Influenza. We can only assume it's because they already found the cure and are holding it hostage to profit from the rest of the world. Or else, they're trying to weaponize Bird Flu and want to make sure their people are safe.


Also, Doctors in Poland are trying to exterminate homeless people by giving them the Bird Flu Virus. They duped people into participating in a drug trial for what they described as a "flu vaccine" without telling the test subjects that it was an unapproved H5N1 drug.


The Indonesian health minister has accused the US government of trying to weaponize Bird Flu as well.


It's a dangerous world we live in, folks. Make sure you keep your eyes and ears open because you never know what THEY are trying to do to you. Jeremy and I, in association with Miracle Posting, Inc. would like to thank you for reading Conspiracy Theory Week and we'll see you on monday.

Theme Week, Part Shhhh

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Conspiracy Theory Week! The Auto Industry is suppressing a 200MPG Carburetor


This is ridiculous! They're doing this on purpose so they can drive up the price of gas just to make more money at our expense!


Today's Sametime Status deals with the conspiracy by the auto industry to suppress the high-mileage "Vapor Carburetor" from the industry. This invention has already been created, but rumour has it the inventor soon after became a wealthy manager of an oil filter company. Hmmm....


Later on in the 1970's, Tom Ogle claimed to have recreated the vapor carb and was approached by the oil industry. Not long after he declined to sell them the patent, he mysteriously died. That's proof!


Proof that there is a huge conspiracy to drive up the price of gas. We're already at $3 a gallon, so how much higher can they make us go? They already proved last year that $4 is too much. Are they trying again?!


All I know is I'm paying too much for gas, and if more efficient cars are out there, then oil company money aside, the government needs to make these cars available to the public. It's our right!


The government says that we'll have to have 35MPG cars in 10 years, when we already have 200MPG cars that THEY'RE keeping from us. This is totally immoral and must stop now!

Theme Week, Part Mum

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Conspiracy Theory Week! Jet contrails are a deliberate attempt to create artificial clouds to reduce global warming.


Well, this is obviously a problem. Who's behind this conspiracy, and what's being done about it?


It would seem that The Government is responsible for the cover-up of the artificial cover.


What makes you say that?


Well, the author of the illuminating website Contrails, Chemtrails and Artificial Clouds has sent a copy of his "Situation Report" to every member of congress and there's apparently been no direct action to stop it.


Yeah...we're still burning millions of gallons of jet fuel rather than finding an alternative, despite the trillions of dollars of capital and infrastructure designed around the petroleum industry.


Besides that, it appears to that one particular trained observer that NASA scientists, airline pilots, and even meteorologists are in on the conspiracy too, since none of them seem able to recognize the clouds the author CLEARLY identifies as artificial. There's a time-lapse video on the website to prove it and everything.


The author also backs up his environmentalist stance...the pdf I downloaded off the site says it's printed on recycled paper. That's thinking ahead.


More importantly, if there is a giant conspiracy to artificially create clouds, it's obviously a health hazard (Note the appearance of metal oxides about 1/4 of the way down the page...we can only assume the same Metal Oxides that create salts which form rainbows in lawn sprinklers), and somebody needs to do something about it. Obviously, the government isn't stepping up, and meteorologists obviously aren't paying attention (according to the author)...so who's going to help us?

Theme Week, Part Quiet

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Conspiracy Theory Week! Viktor Schauberger invented a Perpetual Motion Machine in the 1940’s, which was confiscated by the government.


Most "scientists" say that perpetual motion machines violate the laws of physics. Mr. Schauberger, it is claimed, invented one in the early 1940's, but the goverment decided to cover it up. Think about why.


The obvious answer is because the government makes lots of money on kickbacks from the energy companies. A perpetual motion machine would destroy the energy industry as we know it and be able to power the entire world for free. They don't want that to happen, so they confiscated Schauberger's machine and ruined his carreer as a scientist so nobody would believe him ever again.


It's really a shame too, now that we're paying $3 a gallon for gas again. It could have been free if only THEY would allow us to have this machine back.

Theme Week, Part Hush

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Conspiracy Theory Week! "They" put chemicals in our ground water which create rainbows.


Get out your foil helmets and black+white TV's, kids. It's Conspiracy Theory Week! All this week, the best in crazy conspiracy theories brought to you by the most trusted source in Intertubez news. Make sure you study up before "They" kidnap you, or take away your rights, or test something on you or some other nonsense!


Today's conspiracy theory is brought to you by some lady with a video camera and a lawn sprinkler. Many of you may have seen this video online already, but if not, here's your chance to be educated. Apparently, some metallic oxide salts are in our oxygen and/or water supply that weren't there 20 years ago.


We all know this.


Exactly...so think about it. It has to be the government or terrorist organizations or somebody else running tests and putting chemicals in our ground water. It's the only thing that makes sense. Here's the video evidence of this phenomenon:

Mother-In-Law of Rhetorical Friday

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be


Yay! Rhetorical Friday again! Woohoo!


Yes but...wait...I thought you hated Rhetorical Friday?


Maybe if I pretend to like it, you'll stop.


Not likely.

So today is a bit of a sad day, as we learn of the passing of filmmaker John Hughes.


Uhm, yeah...it's unfortunate, but seriously?


I think we should all take a Day Off...a Vacation, if you will...jump in a Plane, Train, or Automobile to go Home Alone and light 16 Candles over Breakfast to celebrate the life of one of the great screenwriters of our time.


I actually think that line was worse than the rest of Rhetorical Friday. Thanks for ruining my weekend.


You're welcome! See you on monday, everybody!

Two stops is just a killer

Every store can be a "One-Stop" if the product line is narrow enough


Okay...time for another rant, I see. I'll get the soapbox.


Commercials suck.

Every once in a while, the advertising paradigm shifts and somebody comes up with the new slogan or catch phrase that's going to be overused in commercials for the next couple years. One of the latest ones that torques me is the phrase "One-Stop." So many commercials advertise their business as your "One-Stop Shop" for all of you fill-in-the-blank needs.

Here's the problem...that blank can be whatever they want it to be. Joe's is your one-stop shop for all of your organic, energy-efficient pest control needs. One place around here actually bills themselves as a one-stop shop for all of your non-traditional body piercing jewellery needs. If you actually have a series of places you go for that sort of thing depending on your needs, I feel bad for you. "Oh, I go go Store A for my 3/4-inch earrings, but I only go to Store N for tongue bars. I wish one place would carry both." Seriously? Nobody does that.

This whole concept starts out as part of my series of Sametime Statuses about The Wussification Of America, where we strive to make everything easier at the cost of just about everything else. In this case, we want one store that sells us everything we need so that we don't have to drive all the way to the other side of the strip mall for something else. This type of shopping lends itself to the formation of large automatonic stores that carry a limited supply of a remarkably wide array of crap. Yes, I'm looking at you, Walmart. "Motor oil, clothing, TV's, pesticide, tropical fish, and bananas all under one roof! It's the one-stop shopping I've been looking for!"

Who reads that stuff anyway?

Maybe there was something in the owner's manual about mulching wet grass


Owner's manual? What's that?


It's a big ol' book of "information" that gets distributed when you buy a lawnmower...or some other thing. Like most people, I tend to largely ignore these things after looking at the pictures on the back to get the general idea of what to do with the thing.


That's a very sound strategy...how much more information do you really need than what's provided in a picture?


Exactly! Whatever isn't in the picture can be learned through experience, which has long been billed as "The Best Teacher." I gained experience yesterday while mowing the lawn.


Did your lawn mower blow up?


No. My lawn mower has a bagging attachment and a side-discharge chute as well as a Mulch system. I like to leave my mower set to "Mulch" mode primarily because I'm lazy and don't feel like hauling grass clippings around. Plus, it's better for the lawn or some other excuse I'm going to make up to sound less lazy. Most times, it works great and leaves me with a green, healthy lawn. (Okay, most of it is healthy weeds, but they still look green after mowing, so that's good enough) Yesterday, I learned the limitations of the Mulch system...it doesn't like mulching wet grass.

See, it's been raining pretty much non-stop all summer here which causes the lawn to grow at an alarming rate (the fact that it's 75% weeds probably doesn't help either) and also leaves very few windows during which to mow. Yesterday was one of those opportunities, so I had to take it, despite the non-optimal conditions. Here's how the mulcher works:

It mows the grass like normal, but leaves the clippings no place to go when they're done being cut...so instead they bounce around inside the deck until they get ground up into little bitty pieces which then settle down with the rest of the grass. Problem is, when the grass is a little wet, the clippings stick themselves to the top of the deck and stay there until the deck becomes full of leftover crap. This throws the blade out of balance and makes the mower loud and shaky...and probably a little dangerous. Here comes Jeremy with his little garden shovel scraping the grassy sediment from the deck (Yes, I shut the mower off first..though I did burn my arm on the engine's exhaust port once) every 3 minutes, creating a pile of wet sticky grass clippings in the back yard. At least I put it to good use, mulching the little hill at the back of the yard that's nothing but dirt and rocks. Who knows, maybe some new grass will start to grow there. Silver lining!

Not great, but good.

A good source of vitamins and minerals


A healthy approach to blagging. Courtesy of Jeremy's Sametime Status.

I whooped it

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing


Good job, Jeremy. You should be proud.


Speaking of proud, a couple people can be proud of themselves for solving yesterday's little puzzley thing. Although Evil Jeremy's solution was perfectly valid, it wasn't quite what I was going for.


So how's it done?


With runners on 1st and 2nd base, the batter hits a fair popup, and is immediately called out via the Infield Fly Rule (1). While the ball is in the air, the runner on first takes off and overtakes the runner on second base and is called out (2). The fly ball comes down hits the runner on second base, and he is out by interference (3). It takes a couple of brain-dead moments for this to happen, but by rule, it is possible.


In keeping with the theme to today's Sametime Status, here's an amusing intro to the Drew Carey show featuring "The Gates" by DaVinci's Notebook. Happy Friday everyone!

Why am I back in 'A' Ball?

Fun Baseball Fact! It's possible to hit into a Triple Play without the defense ever touching the ball.


That can't be true, can it?


In fact it is...and we're celebrating the MLB non-waiver trade deadline (which is tomorrow) with a special fun obscure baseball rules quiz for fun and prizes!


Prizes?


"The Satisfaction of Knowing You Did Your Best" is a prize...of sorts.


A pretty weaksauce one.


So, all you have to do is figure out how a baseball player can hit into a triple play without the defense ever touching the ball, and you win! Limit one entry per household. (Here's a hint: It's never happened in an MLB game.) Answer will be posted tomorrow.


So how's the trade deadline looking?


I'd like to officially renounce my fandom of the Toronto Blue Jays, pending the firing of General Manager J.P. Ricciardi. I was made aware recently that we are now in Year 8 of Ricciardi's 5 year plan to rebuild the team to a contender, and we're no closer to the end of that road. Sure, we've had some injuries along the way and a couple prospects haven't panned out, but we've also sat through the signings (and subsequent releasings) of B.J. Ryan and Frank Thomas. The Lyle Overbay trade was a bust, John-Ford Griffin and Jason Arnold are nowhere to be found, Vernon Wells and Alex Rios are playing well below their contracts, and we still don't have a shortstop worth posting here. I'm actually largely okay with most of that...but, when you go out in public and say that you essentially need to blow up the team and start over with new prospects by trading away not only the face of the franchise, but the greatest player the team has ever seen and the best pitcher in the game today...you've gone too far. So to the failed Ricciardi regime in Toronto, I say a hearty "No Thanks," and I'll rejoin the Jays' supporters when you're finally (and mercifully) gone.

Here comes the bus

"The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on." - Robert Bloch


That's pretty clever. Also remarkably true.


It also helps explain why I'm around a lot of smiley people all the time.

It's right here, Ray...It's looking at me

The vending machines are officially creepy


What horrifying snack did you get out of it this time?


Actually, that's not the point today. Today's Sametime Status deals with technology!


Vending machine technology has advanced quite a bit in recent years. Some of them have that belt thingy so that the machine doesn't drop your Coke from 6 feet up and make it spray all over you when you open it. Props to the guy who thought that one up.


Another fairly recent innovation in the world of automated snack distribution is the use of motion detectors. Most vending machines have lights so you can see the product you're about to purchase. These lights apparently use so much energy that it actually makes financial sense to retrofit a motion detector to the top of the vending machine and program circuitry so that the light will turn off if nobody has approached the vending machine in a certain amount of time. Forget the fact that you have a giant poorly-insulated refrigerator with a clear plastic front...you have to save the planet by turning off the light bulb inside.

So completely aside from the fact that these motion detectors have GOT to be worthless...they're kinda creepy, because they have a green light on them that turns on when motion is detected. I'll be walking down the hallway past the vending area and the little green lights turn on one at a time when they see me. Of course...maybe they're not motion detectors...maybe the vending machines are already linked to Skynet or something.

It's actually a ripoff

One thing's for sure. You're getting your money's worth out of today's Sametime Status


That's one great thing about this Blag...you do provide great value.


We're all about bringing the best in Sametime Status Message quality to you at the lowest price around.


I'm not so sure about "quality" but the price is right.


I've often tried to figure out how to make a living as a Sametime Status writer, but sadly, I haven't come up with a niche yet. I'm thinking I should compile all of my Sametime Statuses (especially Theme Weeks) and put out a book...or maybe turn it into a cartoon. People pay for those, right?


Oh yeah....even those stupid cavemen ended up with their own sitcom for a while. No reason you couldn't do it, too.


Coming soon: "Jeremy Is On Your TV"! It's gonna be a thing!

Next week is Old Home Week

What did the snail say when he was duct-taped to the top of a turtle? WHEEEEEEEEE!


That's almost as bad as the Skeleton Joke.


First of all, thank you. Secondly, the Skeleton Joke is awesome. Thirdly, today is "Tell An Old Joke Day!"


You're so old, you got to call 'Shotgun' on the Ark.


Not that kind of 'Old' joke. Something more like "What do you get when you have 20 lawyers up to their necks in cement? More Cement!"


How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? One.


How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Hand him some sheet music.


Two fish swim into a cement wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam."


Why do elephants wear green shoes? So they can hide in trees.


What do you call an 800 pound bear with ear muff? Anything you want...he can't hear you.


Who else has old jokes? It'll be a fun project for your Friday!