Curse You, Pennybags!

I have no earthly clue why I downloaded the Monopoly app

Well, the actual explanation is that it was free that day.  As an app, it doesn't suck, so it's got that going for it.  

Yes, but that's entirely beside the point.  The point is, Monopoly sucks.  

Monopoly, as you know, is a rage-inducing board game published by Parker Brothers in 1935, and based on a game invented by Elizabeth Magie...who was a jerk.  The point of the game is simple, be the person who causes somebody else to throw the board into the air.

Every game of Monopoly basically goes the same way.  

One player (your opponent) goes around the board all willy-nilly collecting random crappy properties while you build your empire of railroads and utilities and light blue properties.  By sheer dumb luck, your opponent becomes the only person the entire game to land on Vetnor avenue, and has a monopoly on the Yellow properties, and basically nothing else.  He then proceeds to hop around the board, landing on Chance spaces, Free Parking, and the three other properties he owns, avoiding your hotels in the "house of horrors" corner of St. Charles Place while you land on Marvin Gardens every friggin time around the board.  If, by some miracle, you do miss the Yellows, you pass Go on your way to the Income Tax square, so you still have no money.  

You land one final time on Marvin Gardens, which now has three houses, costing you $850.  Your opponent insists that if you sell every house you bought and mortgage every property you own, you'll still have 3 dollars left, and therefore, you should continue playing the game because of that one time he got the "Take A Ride On Reading" card, so you still have a chance.  All you want is to punch your opponent in the face, throw the board, and flush the dice so you never have to see them again. 

Why anybody considers this a "family game" is beyond me.  

So not long ago, the official "Monopoly" app was on sale for zero dollars at an online retailer which for strictly blag purposes, we'll call "Nile.com".  I downloaded the thing and have lost all but one game I've ever played while expanding my knowledge of cursing at electronic devices.  Why did I do this to myself? 

It Wasn't My Thumb

No matter how much you honk at me, I am not going to purposely ram into the car in front of me

I guess that's very neighborly of you, Jeremy.  Thanks?

First of all, everyone reading, stop whatever you're doing and Watch This Video.  It's a kitten in a box full of ducklings, and it's even more adorable than you're thinking it could possibly be right now.   

Now...on to business.

So, not far from my house, there's a somewhat bizarrely designed intersection.  It's where a small road that has a mall exit meets the main road through my town.  It's also in a location where nearly everywhere I go involves me going through this intersection.  It's bizarrely designed because in the one direction (which is where I almost invariably find myself), there are three lanes.  Two of the lanes turn left onto the main road, and the third (right-most) lane is a combination straight/right turn lane.  The light itself has a right turn arrow which does little good if the first person in line is going straight.

This is a concept which is lost on morons the farther back in line they go.  

Not long ago, I sat at this intersection, second in line.  I had planned on turning right, so my turn signal was on.  For those readers living in Pennsylvania, that's the little blinking light on the car which tells other drivers which way you plan to go.  The person in front of me was apparently going straight, as evidenced by the lack of a turn signal and the fact that they didn't move once the right turn arrow came on.  I patiently waited for the light to cycle so that the person in front could proceed through the intersection and I could turn right. 

This is a concept which was lost on the moron behind me in line. 

I heard a short honk from a car horn.  I didn't think much of it because car horns honk for a number of reasons.  But when there was another, longer honk, I noticed that it had come from directly behind me.  When still I didn't move (after all, there was a stopped car directly in front of me), this idiot lady behind me laid on the car horn for a solid 3 seconds.  I proceeded to gesture as if to ask what this mentally deficient driver would like me to do, pointed out the car in front of me, and allowed her a detailed view of one of my fingers.  All of this, of course, was done inside the confines of my own car, because it was cold, and I didn't feel like sticking my head out the window to inquire about her strangely urgent need to get to SuperCuts.  (By the way, I'm not making that up...I was going to a nearby shopping plaza, and she coincidentally followed me the entire way there and walked into the barber shop) 

So, no, brain-dead lady behind me at the traffic light.  I will not be plowing my car into another one in front of me simply because you feel I'm not moving at the right time.  I hope you enjoy your haircut.