It Was A Comedy Roast

Still recovering from my rutabaga injury

I always tell you that if you keep making stupid jokes, people are going to keep throwing produce at you.  Usually it's tomatoes, but I guess your readership is more creative than that.

Actually, my rutabaga injury was a completely accidental mishap.  Nobody hit me with a rutabaga.

Then, by all means, let me be the first.

I, like 83% of the population, have long been aware of rutabagas, and enjoy saying rutabaga, but have never actually bought one, leave alone eat it.  This all changed recently after a conversation with loyal reader, "Z."  From what I understand, he bought a rutabaga on a whim and enjoyed it, shortly followed by prompting me to go buy one.  I went to the local farm market on customer appreciation day, so that my rutabaga would be 10% off.  This just makes sense, because if I didn't like it, I can at least take solace in the fact that I didn't pay full price for the thing.

After Much Exhausting Research, I came across a recipe for roasted rutabaga.  This involves both peeling and cubing the vegetable, so I set to work.  I have a totally decent vegetable peeler, but the skin of a rutabaga is pretty tough, so it was still work to peel the thing.  At one point in this process, the peeler slipped and my hand skimmed across the surface, jamming a piece of the skin under the nail on my thumb.  I promptly exclaimed "Fiddle dee dee," or something to that effect, and went back to work, only to notice later that my thumbnail was bleeding.  Oh well...it's one of the sacrifices I'm willing to make for culinary adventure.  

As it turns out, roasted rutabaga is almost worthless.  The taste and texture are very much akin to your standard potato, with just a hint of horseradish flavor.  By the time you're done eating your serving of it, you've gotten over the novelty, and you're a little sick of the thing.  The recipe also involves parsley, which we already know is junk, so no help there.  

Anyway...it's a couple days later, and my thumb still hurts a little on occasion.  It's annoying.  Thanks for nothing, rutabaga. 

I Could Probably Handle It In The Truck Of My Car

That was an awfully big truck for carrying bananas

That's not a euphamism, is it?

I can't even imagine how it could be.  Thanks for maintaining the PG-rating of the Blag here.  

Hey, you're the one posting nonsense about big banana trucks.  

Well, it actually happened.  

See, produce has to get delivered to grocery stores.  I understand this.  So, when it does, it makes perfect sense to me to have a pretty sizable truck delivering multiple kinds of produce to stores.  It's cheaper, more efficient, and just in general, a better way to get things done.  These trucks often carry the name of the business on the side and it has to do with produce...such as "Pete's Produce" or something like that.  I don't know who Pete is, and I just made that up...so if you actually own a place called "Pete's Produce" don't come asking for money.  

Apparently, there is a local business that delivers bananas.  I have no idea if they deliver other produce or not, and I can't be bothered to look it up.  The name of the business is the local town in which they're based, and the word banana.  As in, "Townburgh Banana."  That's what was written on the side of the truck.  It was weird.  

It seemed like WAY too big of a truck to be carrying only bananas, but I can't imagine what else a truck called "Townburgh Banana" would be carrying.  So I'm left with the conclusion that they're either delivering all of the bananas for every grocery store within a 50 mile radius in one truck, or they have an awful lot of empty space in their truck.  Neither of these seems very likely, so I have absolutely no idea what's going on with the banana truck.  It's a problem, people! 

Jeremy Never Thinks About Dignity

Silly Bob Seger.  “Less bolder” doesn’t make any sense

And because Rock and Roll Never Forgets, you're not going to let anyone forget about this lyric?

That's right.   

Today's Sametime Status deals with the 1976 Bob Seger classic "Rock and Roll Never Forgets."  It's a song about...uhmm...well, I don't remember.  

Awful joke.  Just awful.

The first line of the song is as follows, "So you're a little bit older and a lot less bolder than you used to be."  This is nonsense.  Less bolder?  Adding the suffix "er" to something means to make it more of whatever the adjective was in the first place.  This seems to completely counteract the adverb "less" in the same sentence...in fact, merely one word before.  So, is this person the same amount of bold now than they used to be?  Or is the even more superfluous "a lot" quantifier mean that the less is more less than the "er" is more?  I'm confused.  

Not the first time you've been confused about something, Jeremy.  You're also now confusing everyone else. 

So anyway, I guess I'm asking Bob Seger for a little clarification here.  So, how about it, Bob?  Leave a comment with the link below.  Thank you in advance.  

Buy Me Stuff!

Okay, everybody.  What is the perfect gift for the engineer in your life?  Seriously...I need to tell people what to get me

This is important, folks.  Jeremy wants the best possible stuff under his tree.  He just has no idea what that is.  

It's true.  I'm plum out of ideas on what to tell people to buy me for Christmas.  I'm also ridiculously busy with meetings today, so I don't have time to write anything more interesting here.  It's up to you!

I Bet It Had A Name

What kind of horse was originally used to measure horsepower?  

I'm afraid to answer.  This is either a trivia question that I don't know the answer to, or a joke that I probably don't want the punchline to.  

Actually, it's neither.  I'm quite legitimately asking that question.  I'd like to know.   

So, it's pretty common knowledge that one horsepower is a unit of work equivalent to 746 watts.  Everyone also knows that the unit "Horsepower" was originally termed by James Watt himself.  At the time, I'm sure he was comparing the work something did to a horse, but that's somewhat a bogus unit of measure.  Every horse is different, and even a single horse's work output can change easily with any number of factors.  Has the horse been fed properly?  Has the horse been working all day?  Is the horse in a good mood?  Can the horse get a proper grip on the ground?  Is the horse's farrier competent?  (Look it up)  All of these things and more will greatly influence the amount of work a horse can perform.  So it seems a little wrong to have a basic unit of scientific measurement be based on this.  

Of course, now the concept of Horsepower has been refined, and it truly is a standard unit of measurement.   The whole 746 watts thing.  I'm just curious what type of horse under what conditions is equal to 746 watts.  Anyone know? 

Drop The Biscuit!

For the first time ever, the last four Stanley Cup Champions are in the Conference Finals

The conference finals are set, folks...and the teams should look familiar.  Last year's champions, the Los Angeles Kings square off against 2010 champs, the Chicago Blackhawks in the Western Conference.  Out in the east, 2011 champions, the Boston Bruins are locked up with the 2009 champs, the Pittsburgh Penguins.  Jeremy has it from a reliable source on the internets somewhere that the last 4 consecutive Stanley Cup winning teams have never make it to the Conference Finals.  

Whether or not that little fact is true, I haven't exactly been bothered to figure out, so that's left as an exercise for the reader.  What I do know is that the Conference Finals will both be a display of contrasting styles.  The Penguins and Blackhawks feature smaller, fast teams capable of scoring in bunches while the Kings and Bruins are bigger, tougher teams which feature stronger defenses and much better goaltending.  It's the proverbial irresistible force and immovable object set to collide.  We'll see what comes of that for the Cup Finals. 

One thing we won't see is much of a contrast in colors for the Eastern Conference...as both teams' uniforms are black, white, and yellow.  This will be the 83rd time in NHL history that teams with identical uniform colors face off in the Stanley Cup Playoffs. 

Get It?! It's Funny

yapHp alaNtoin zlezPu yDa, bEoyevrdy!

Today's Sametime Status is left as an exercise for the reader.  Enjoy!  

Breaking Bad Has A Good Example As Well

In TV and movies, whenever people start chanting something, they never show how awkward it must be when the chanting stops

 Uhm...yeah.  Okay then.  Don't you think it would just die out naturally?

I'm sure the chanting stops, because life in movies always tends to go on, but we never get to see how it stops.  It's pretty much the exact opposite of a Slow Clap that grows into a standard round of applause.  But, just like a round of applause, you don't really know who the last person was to clap, and you don't really want to be that guy, either.  So who is the last person chanting, or how did they all know to stop at the right time?  

It's a problem.  

See, one of the great examples of this comes from a movie I'm not allowed to talk about base on the first two rules of Fight Club.  Anyway, there was a scene where Meatloaf gets shot (Pretty sure that's the first time I've written that sentence ever), and dies.  The assembled begin chanting his name.  His Name Is Robert Paulson.  The scene ends with everyone still chanting over and over.  We don't really know why they thought chanting was important right about then, but it happened, so we just go with it.  At some point after Edward Norton leaves, the chant would have had to die out, lest Project Mayhem get derailed because everyone just stands around chanting all day.  After who knows how long of a session of chanting, people have to have come to the realization that they were accomplishing nothing and decide to stop chanting, but other people would keep going.  Depending on how the percentage of chanters and non-chanters changes over time, you could have people standing there amidst chanting for quite some time...maybe even start up again not realizing that they weren't done yet.  Eventually, there are angry stares from non-chanters pointed at the people who just won't shut up and get out of the kitchen, guilty looks from the people who took too long to realize the gig was over, and just an awful lot of awkwardness.  They never show that in the movie. 

Can I? Really?

That wasn’t my friend on the radio this morning

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was the local Congresswoman.  


This isn't another political rant, don't worry.  Anyway...is it just me...


A thousand times, yes.  It's just you.  It's always just you.


...but the local morning radio show often features a lot of local callers telling stories and jokes along with the hosts.  The hosts will announce the caller's name before giving them the airtime to speak.  Many times, the caller will have the same first name as a friend of mine.  It causes me to become a little excited, anticipating hearing my friend on the radio.  Not that being on the radio is all that special anymore...I mean, the trendy thing to do now is to get your own Deplorable Reality TV Show.  Anyway, my moment of anxious anticipation is always deflated when some other voice comes over the airwaves.

I can't be the only one who has this thought.     

Feels Empty

I really have no music between Mythos and Neil Young?

This bothers you?

Not as much as you might think.  It was just a curiosity recently when the mp3 player in my car went from a Mythos song (I forget which one...maybe Odyssey) to  Heart of Gold by Neil Young.  It just seemed a little strange to me that there is nothing in my music library (The part that's on the flash drive in my car, anyway) that comes between My and Ne...alphabetically anyway. 

Then I got to thinking that there isn't that much decent music in the Na range.  Anybody got anything that should be in the gap? 

Squeeky Fun For All!

Pick Jeremy’s 12-5 Upset!  VCU, Long Beach State, Harvard, or the winner of the California/South Florida Play-In

It's that time of year again!  Time for Jeremy to dazzle us all with his ineptitude at picking winners of 67 college basketball games.  He's so bad, he's enlisting all of you for help.

 I'm not as bad as all that.  I do, in fact, know a couple things about the NCAA tournament, and I've even seen two games this year.  

And of those teams that you saw, how many of them made it to the final 68?

Well...one...but that's beside the point entirely.  

What is important is that my knowledge of college basketball has not exactly increased from last year.  I know two indisputable facts about the tournament:  A 16-seed has NEVER beaten a #1, and the #5 seed is a statistical outlier, being ousted by the #12 seed more often than you'd think they should.  I actually did a graph once, which you can find on the Blag here pretty easily if you'd like.  The first-round winning percentage by seed tracks a pretty straight line, except for 5, which actually wins less often than the 6 seeds.  Some say it's a curse.  I say it's an opportunity!  

So as is tradition here, you get to pick my 12-5 upset.  At least one of these 4 teams is statistically likely to win their first-round matchup later this week, and I leave my decision to the Internetz.  Whichever team gets the most votes will be listed as the winner on my official bracket for whatever pool I participate in.  Just for the record, you don't get any prize money or anything if you're right...just the satisfaction of knowing you did your best.  So...who's it going to be?  Virginia Commonwealth, Long Beach State, Harvard, or California/South Florida?  VOTE NOW!!!

No Smoothies Until Further Notice

I never liked that blender anyway

Is the blender in any way related to The Famed Toaster Of Hades?

I don't think so, but I wouldn't be surprised.  Here's my story:

Awe geeze...we have to sit through a story now?  

Not long ago, I decided that I was going to start making smoothies.  This had nothing to do with laughing every time I hear the word "smoothies" because of how my old home-ec teacher used to pronounce "SMIEWthies," although, I'll admit that is not lost in the thought process.  In order to do this, I needed the ice maker to work on my fridge (It no longer does...I should try to fix that at some point, I guess) and I needed a blender.  I went to some store somewhere and picked out what looked like a nice blender with features and stuff, that happened to match the decor of my kitchen.  Seemed like a win-win.

I enjoyed the occasional smoothie with whatever fruit was available locally, experimenting with different flavors to mixed results (Peach and blueberry...awwe yeah!).  The problem was often the blender.  It wasn't particularly adept at the initial blending part when there were still ice cubes involved.  It would create a pocket of air around the blades into which nothing would fall to be blended until I turned the thing off, shook it around or shoved a spoon down in there to get things loosened up.  After a couple tries at this, the smoothie would usually get the idea and blend up, afterwards, I would enjoy a refreshing fruity beverage. 

That is until recently, when there was an uncharacteristically loud cracking sound when mixing up a smoothie.  Blending ice is never without its crunches, but this was unusual.  Also, afterward, the blender motor would spin, but the blades went nowhere.  I pull the jar off the blender motor to discover the piece that connects the blade mechanism to the motor's drive shaft in three pieces underneath.  Come to think of it, this is not unlike what happened to my lawnmower last summer, and the concepts are strangely similar.  Either way, this cheap plastic thing that is pretty integral to the blending process and thus, you'd think would be made of something a little sturdier, is shot.  I needed a replacement.  I do the usual internetz thing looking up the model number of my blender and what websites are available that sell spare blender parts...bupkis.  Unphased, I locate the owner's manual (oh yeah...I had the owner's manual.  Don't think I ever opened it until just now, but I still had it) and discover the customer service phone number for the company.  Here's where it gets fun.

The large, faceless automatonic company which produced my blender is none other than General Electric.  Remember that name, kids.  I call up the number and speak with a reasonably nice representative who looks up the model number of my blender and informs me that they do not sell any spare parts for that blender.  I ask about a whole replacement blade mechanism or full jar.  Nope...they can do roughly nothing to help me.  I say "roughly" because what they can do is take my order for a whole new blender and ship it to me.  I explained to the reasonably nice representative that I would not be placing an order that day.  In fact, my exact words were more along the lines of "If I have to buy a whole new blender because you can't replace a cheap plastic part, I'll let you guess what brand of blender I'm NOT buying." 

So...to the fine folks at General Electric who make disposable blenders, you are officially On Notice.  (Again, I coined that phrase LONG before Colbert, but have no documentation to back that up.)  Your blenders are bad and you should feel bad.  

And to all of you loyal readers out there...anyone have any suggestions for a good quality blender that will make smoothies, not fall apart, comes in satin silver, and won't break the bank?  I'm all ears.   

It's Usually Slippery...Which Is Kinda Gross

Does anybody keep the little garbage bags they hang on your turn signal at the oil change place?

I wouldn't know.  I change my own oil.

Can you change the oil in my car?  Cheap?

 Sure can't.   

Then what good are you?

I'm a pro at making snarky comments on a Blag.  Perhaps the best alternate persona in the business.

I guess you have a point there.  

So anyway, not long ago, my car was due for an oil change, so I took it to one of those places that does that sort of thing.  They do a good job at changing the oil and topping off all the fluids and a remarkably good job of trying to talk me into unnecessary maintenance work, such as filling the tires with nitrogen instead of crummy air.  I've written about that here before, but I can't be bothered to look it up.  While they do a great job of talking to me about these extraneous services, they do a lousy job of actually getting me to pay them to do any extra work.  I want the oil changed, and that's about it.

One other service they perform is piling a bunch of crap into my car while they change the oil.  They put a sticker on the window, 2 copies of my receipt, a comment card so I can tell them how they did in exchange for a 1 in 50,000 chance at a free oil change, a couple valuable coupons for the attached convenience store, and a little plastic garbage bag that they hang on my turn signal.  After I get back into my car, the first thing I do is gather all of this junk up and dump it into the little garbage bag, which immediately gets taken off the turn signal and thrown out.  

My question to you is...does anybody actually keep a little plastic garbage bag on the turn signal in their car? 

I'll Shuffle, Too

I can’t tell if LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem” is supposed to be a real song or not

The creepy giant hamsters in the car commercial seemed to be pretty okay with it.

So I'm guessing most of you out there have heard this song and may just not recognize it by name, so I'll start by helping you out.  

Here's A Link To The Video 

A well-known car company used it in a recent commercial featuring dancing robots and a mechanized soldier that bore a resemblance to Master Chief from Halo.

Very true...now when you say "well-known car company"...which one was it?

I'm not at liberty to say.

And that's because...?

It's because I forget which one.  Moving right along...

So this song is a strange blend of catchiness, banality, and lunacy that seriously makes me wonder if the song is supposed to be for real or not.  It very well could be a novelty song akin to anything Wierd Al Yankovic puts out, or it could just be the kind of popular tripe that in no way is supposed to be good music but ends up being ubiquitous and money-making.  

Somebody help me out, here!

It's Maddening!

Pick Jeremy’s 12-5 Upset! East, Southeast, Southwest or West. Vote Now!!!


It's March Madness time...and you know what that means!


Jeremy uses up his allotment of watched basketball games for the year in one day?


Well, that too...


The weather is finally starting to get better?


Not really...have you looked outside?


Cheerleaders in HD?


I guess that's important...not what I was going for...


In that case, I'm spent.


It means it's time for the annual NCAA Tournament Bracket pools!


You can't do those until next week. You don't know who the teams are.


That's the beauty of it. Every year, I fill out those silly brackets having absolutely no clue who any of the teams are, who any of the players are (Though I'm often reminded that there's this guy "Jimmer" who plays for BYU who's supposed to be good), what conferences any given team plays for, or what teams are actually...you know...good.

The extent of my NCAA basketball pool knowledge consists of two facts. First, a #16 seed has never beaten a #1 seed, and second...the 5 vs 12 match-up is a statistical outlier when it comes to upsets.

Since the entirety of my wisdom comes in numerical form, I decided this year to bypass the silly "teams" concept and rely simply on seedings to decide my bracket. I've downloaded and printed out a blank bracket and will be filling it out tomorrow for use in whatever pools I end up playing in. This seemed, at first, to conflict with my annual tradition of letting the Sametime Status Loyal Readers vote on my 12-5 upset pick, but I realized that I can do that in advance, too. So all you have to do is let me know which region will see a 12 seed take down a 5 seed. Your choices are: East, Southeast, Southwest or West. Clearly biased against the North for some reason, but there you are. VOTE NOW!!!