Theme Week, Part Plastic Rings With Gold-Colored Paint

Tips For The Holidays Week!  Things that "Make A Great Gift" usually don't


That's unfortunate.  Now I don't know what to get you.  


That's okay.  It's the thought that counts.


I'm imaginary.  I'm nothing but a thought. 


I can see how that would make things more difficult.  Anyway...around this time of year, every commercial on every type of medium is advertizing things that "Make A Great Gift."  From "The Clapper" to Chia Pets, anything ever made by Ronco, Lottery Tickets, funeral pre-arrangements (sadly, I'm not making that one up), or a good old-fashioned iPod-Compatible Toilet Paper Dispenser.  As a general rule of thumb around the holiday season, if a commercial tells you that something makes a great gift, it's lying.


And that concludes our holiday fun-filled Theme Week.  We hope you've enjoyed this silliness enough to want a whole new year of it, starting in 2012.  Jeremy will be on vacation until the New Year, so go ahead and set your reminders to come back Tuesday January 3rd for more of this...well...whatever it is we do here. 

Theme Week, Part Bird With An iPhone That Has Bad Reception So He's Not Calling Anybody

Tips For The Holidays Week!  Bing Crosby can go ahead and clam up

It just wouldn't be Christmas if it wasn't white.  Or were you referring to Silver Bells?

Nope...all about the White Christmas thing.  Snow sucks.  It's pretty much the worst thing ever.  It's cold, slippery, forces you to go out into the cold and snow to shovel it, makes driving a pain, makes dealing with other people's stupid driving a bigger pain, and makes everything a completely white monotone.  It's boring!  The mind boggles when I think that there are actually people out there who say they love snow.  

So here's my idea for Christmas every year...and for some reason it never seems to work out quite the way I'd hoped.  It can snow once on Dec 23 or 24th...after everybody has traveled to wherever it is they're going to spend Christmas and has purchased a week's supply of ham, then stay cold enough for the snow to remain on the ground (but be plowed off the roads) until after Christmas, then it's time for Spring.  All that flaky white crap can just disappear and make way for summer.  Who's with me?

Theme Week, Part La Poule

Tips For The Holidays Week!  Nobody actually likes Egg Nog.  Nobody

I think you're mistaken there, Jeremy.  Lots of people drink egg nog this time of year. 

Then perhaps you'd like to explain why the spell checker on the Blag here doesn't like the word "Nog."  It thinks that's a misspelling...but that's entirely beside the point and something I just made up while typing this.  

The more important thing to note here is that if I were to offer you a beverage consisting of warm milk, raw eggs and sugar, you'd look at me like I had two heads, politely decline, and possibly become a little squeamish.  I wouldn't blame you.  But apparently, if you make a 50/50 mixture of this mixture and rum, you have a fun holiday-themed party favorite.  

Why?

Because the true spirit of the holiday season, like most other Americanized holidays, is to get drunk.  It also includes cinnamon, which we also like during holidays...although that's entirely more confusing.  Whenever Americans take over celebration of a holiday, be it Christmas, New Year's, 4th of July (Though admittedly, we didn't exactly borrow that holiday from another country), St. Patrick's Day, Cinco de Mayo (We have absolutely no reason to be celebrating that), Labor day, Haloween (After you turn 18), Thanksgiving...we change the spirit of the holiday from whatever it was intended to be into an excuse to get faced.  It's what we do.  Egg nog is no different.  There is no reason in creation why anybody would drink this stuff...and without booze, nobody would...but once you spike it, everyone drinks up. 

Theme Week, Part Turtle Dove

Tips For The Holidays Week!  Set expectations:  Despite what the commercials say, nobody is getting a Lexus from me

But I think I really deserve one.

Well, that's your opinion.  The simple fact of the matter is, I'm not going to be buying a Lexus for myself or anybody I know, so don't get your hopes too far up.  This goes for just about everything in the Holiday season...don't expect absolute perfection out of the entire ordeal.  

It's a mess.  

Presents are tough to find, and there's only so many of them out there, so you may double-up on a present with somebody else and the giftee will end up with two of them.  Oh well.  The tree may lose a couple needles and your carpet won't be perfect.  These things happen.  The family cat is all but guaranteed to take a dump right around the time the entire family has gathered around to sing Christmas Carols.  Oops.  The aforementioned carols are going to be horrifically off-key.  Deal with it.  One of the stockings hung by the chimney with care may catch fire.  What are you going to do?  The place mats on the dining room table may be a little wrinkled.  Nobody will actually be bothered by this. 

That whole water off a duck's back thing applies very much to the Christmas season, so go ahead and relax.  Things will go right, and things will go wrong...just like any other time of year.  The important thing is to set your expectations properly so that two of you don't buy the same person the same color Lexus. 


One other thing that Jeremy would like to note.  In case you're wondering (and he always has), Turtle Doves are not only not indigenous to North America (so good luck getting them for your true love), but they have absolutely nothing to do with turtles...ninja or otherwise.  The name is derived from the Latin "Turtur," meaning "Dove." 

Theme Week, Part Partridge (Tree Sold Separately)

Tips For The Holidays Week!  Walk slowly when stringing lights on a tree, lest you will get dizzy and fall over

 Happy Holidays from Jeremy Is In The Office!  This week, we present a variety of helpful tips for surviving and maybe even enjoying the upcoming holiday season.  

First of all, I'd like to get this out of the way.  Despite Rick Perry's nonsensical war on non-religion, I like saying "Happy Holidays" around this time of year not because it's more inclusive of religions, but because it's inclusive of more holidays.  There's more going on around this time than Christmas, so instead of only hoping people enjoy a merry Christmas, they should enjoy New Years, and Kwanzaa, and Chanukah, and Saturnalia, and the Winter Solstice, and whatever the heck else they want.  Have at it, everybody!  Celebrate it all.  According to the Mayans, we only have about one year left, so grab all the gusto you can.   So don't get all offended if I say "Happy Holidays"...especially if you're one of the people at work who I won't see until at least 2 of these holidays have passed. 

Now, on to the festivities! 

One of the most iconic symbols of the Christmas season is the Christmas Tree.  They're bright and festive, the real ones smell like Pine Sol, the fake ones smell like the attic, and they all drop enough needles and junk in your living room to last the whole year.  Seriously...I found a pine cone off of mine in August this year.  

They're also ridiculous.

Based on a pagan ritual, Christmas trees are pointy, had to get just right, messy, and great for exercising the family pet.  Because of all these factors, they can be a source of stress around an otherwise joyous season.  So, one helpful tip to help yourself along is to go slowly when stringing up the lights.  If you're like me, you've never in your life seen a tree and said, "That thing has too many lights."  My current tree has 700 lights.  That's over 90 lights per foot of tree, and that doesn't even factor in that there's no tree in the first foot off the ground.  Needless to say, you can just about see this thing from the moon, and I'm okay with this.  The problem that is caused by this "More Power" lighting system is the need to walk around the tree many many times in order to string up this ludicrous quantity of lights.  It's akin to putting your head on the end of a baseball bat and spinning around.  You get dizzy...and should you go too quickly, you could very well trip over a poorly-placed piano or box or bookshelf or all of the above and fall over.  Gravity hurts sometimes, so go ahead and take my advice.  Pace yourself...Christmas comes but once a year, so you should have plenty of time. 

ECHO!!!

A clean office is a weird office

 I understand it's also the sign of a sick mind.  Why your desk is usually a bit of a wreck is beyond me.

My office is an orderly form of chaos.  It all makes sense in a Jeremy sort of way.  

So why is it so different now?

Well, in today's Tale Of Whimsy, today is the big Office Move.  It's really quite exciting.  Everybody packs up all their crap into boxes and/or dumpsters then starts milling about the building while jaunty calliope music plays over the P.A. system.  When the music stops, whatever office you're standing in becomes yours and anyone left without one gets fired.  

At least that's how I think it should work.  

In reality, somebody decided that everyone needed to be completely rearranged and that as a company, we hadn't throw out enough trash in the last 5 years, so they orchestrated a grand plan to move every last person who works here to move to a new office.  So, 250,000 boxes and one weekend later, everyone's in a new home and only 3 days of productivity are lost.  In my personal case, my carreer boils down to 3 boxes, a laptop bag, and a coffee mug.  But, I get a shiny new office, and get to throw out about 50 pounds of crap from my desk drawers.  

In the meantime, my office now feels very empty and strangely uncluttered.  I'll get to start making my new mess on monday.  

Speaking of making messes on monday, Jeremy's starting a Holiday Theme Week, so be sure to join us for a whole week's worth of nonsense!

When Does Hunting Season Start?

I don’t need one of those fake light-up deer in my front yard.  I have plenty of the real ones

Yay!  Little Bambis!

Yeah, they're a real treat.  They eat my grass and my bird food, almost get hit crossing the road on a near daily basis, set off the motion detector over the garage so my light stays on all night, and crap in my yard.  They're a real treat.  

But they pull Santa's sleigh.

Holiday theme week is next week.  

Sorry...jumped the gun a little.

So yeah...deer.  Specifically those light-up ones that make their way to people's yards around the holiday season as people's lighting decorations get bigger, more elaborate, and in nearly all cases, kitschier.  You can't throw an elf without hitting somebody's inflatable Santa, snow globe, snowman (I actually saw an 18-foot inflatable snowman not long ago...dear God) or some other stupid thing.  But the light-up deer are a different sort of strange, especially in my neighborhood.  We have deer all over the place, and yet people feel the need to go out and buy deer that they have to plug in.  Here's a fun fact...I have more deer in my front yard than you do, and come Spring, I don't have to figure out how to store mine...they run off into the woods.  Mine also use significantly less electricity. 

Stringy Goodness

Why does the type of plastic wrap depend on the flavor of string cheese?

I don't think anyone else has ever realized this.

Well, I have and I'm curious.

I don't think I even realized there were different flavors of string cheese.  What's up with that?

It was a pretty new revelation to me, too.  Recently, I was in the grocery store and happened upon the cheese section.  Thinking that I haven't had string cheese in a long time, I located that section of the display, and found a whimsical variety of packages I'd never seen before.  String cheese now apparently comes in Colby-Jack, Cheddar, and the classic Mozzarella.  Yes, that's totally an Oxford comma.  

I picked up a package of Mozzarella as well as a Cheddar, partially because I was curious, and partially because Cheddar is basically awesome.  Over the time since then, I've been happily enjoying my string cheese.  Incidentally, this is poorly named (and maybe I should check the packaging, but I can't be bothered) because the Cheddar string cheese does not come apart in strings whatsoever.  The mozzarella does exactly as expected, but the Cheddar only comes in clumps.  

Anyway, what's important to note is the ease in which the cheese is obtained.  They both come in nearly identical packages, in which tubes of cheese are individually wrapped.  The wrappers are designed to come apart by pulling two flaps at the top in opposite directions, at which point the top sheet of plastic is removed, and the tube of cheese is freed from its form-fitting back wrapper.  This is great in theory, but in reality, the cheddar wrapper sucks.  It starts to split down the middle, and comes apart in pieces to the point where you have to maneuver the cheese to get it out.  I have had precisely zero structural failures with the mozzarella wrappers, but every last cheddar wrapper I've tried to open has ended in cheesey disaster, and not in a Michael Bay kind of way.  So my question to the scientific community is as follows:  What's up with that? 

It's Usually Slippery...Which Is Kinda Gross

Does anybody keep the little garbage bags they hang on your turn signal at the oil change place?

I wouldn't know.  I change my own oil.

Can you change the oil in my car?  Cheap?

 Sure can't.   

Then what good are you?

I'm a pro at making snarky comments on a Blag.  Perhaps the best alternate persona in the business.

I guess you have a point there.  

So anyway, not long ago, my car was due for an oil change, so I took it to one of those places that does that sort of thing.  They do a good job at changing the oil and topping off all the fluids and a remarkably good job of trying to talk me into unnecessary maintenance work, such as filling the tires with nitrogen instead of crummy air.  I've written about that here before, but I can't be bothered to look it up.  While they do a great job of talking to me about these extraneous services, they do a lousy job of actually getting me to pay them to do any extra work.  I want the oil changed, and that's about it.

One other service they perform is piling a bunch of crap into my car while they change the oil.  They put a sticker on the window, 2 copies of my receipt, a comment card so I can tell them how they did in exchange for a 1 in 50,000 chance at a free oil change, a couple valuable coupons for the attached convenience store, and a little plastic garbage bag that they hang on my turn signal.  After I get back into my car, the first thing I do is gather all of this junk up and dump it into the little garbage bag, which immediately gets taken off the turn signal and thrown out.  

My question to you is...does anybody actually keep a little plastic garbage bag on the turn signal in their car? 

Why Would They Do This?

Scientists have created a new, more transmissible strain of Bird Flu.  I’m not making this up

 Wait, what?  They actually created exactly the virus we've been hoping to avoid?

It may not be the super-weapon form of H5N1 that we've all feared for so long, but it's at least one step closer.

As you all know, the saving grace of H5N1, and pretty much the only thing that's prevented the world-decimating pandemic has been the fact that transmission of the virus is at least fairly difficult.  The fact that Bird Flu has a ~60% mortality rate (58.5% to be more exact) hasn't changed.  But now, scientists studying Avian Influenza, and perhaps how to weaponize it (but I'll leave that to the conspiracy theorists), have succeeded in creating a new mutated strain of the virus that is as easily transmissible between mammals as your average run-of-the-mill seasonal influenza.

Simply put, THIS IS TERRIFYING NEWS!

The even more terrifying part of this story is just how easy it was to create this super virus.  A mere 5 mutations to the genetics of the virus is all that it takes to wipe out 60% of the planet.  The MOST terrifying part of this story is that all five of these mutations have already been seen in separate samples of Bird Flu.  THEY ALL ALREADY EXIST!  Once they find a way to exist together, it's all over.

I don't feel that I can stress enough that I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP.

I Had To Write A Title, Too

I’ve been on vacation so long, I forgot how to write Sametime Statuses

 Does that mean you're finally going to stop this nonsense?

Absolutely not.  My public loves me.

Wishful thinking, I guess.

So today's Sametime Status is brought to you courtesy of the fact that I remembered on my way in to work this morning that I had to write a Sametime Status.  Sure, I have a couple sitting around in the queue waiting to be used, but I figured it was more important to edutain you with the thought process involved in this sort of falderal.  

Also of note today, whatever spell-checker is on the blag or my browser here is not familiar with the word "falderal" so there's that. 

F, That's Cold

It’s Geography Awareness Week!  The warmest temperature ever recorded on Antarctica was 3 degrees F

 Ooo..toasty warm.

Yeah, not so much.  I don't really have any other interesting facts about Antarctica, so this is about all you're going to get today.  I hope you've enjoyed Geography Awareness Week.  To cap it all off, I think I'll leave you with monday's edition of the whimsical webcomic xkcd, which deals with geography and maps.  See you after Thanksgiving!

This is the part where I tell you that Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office next week, returning November 28th.  Enjoy the holiday, stuff yourself with Turducken or Tofurkey, or old-skool Turkey...whatever floats your boat.  We'll be back in a week with all sorts of frivolity. 

Theme Week, Part Asia

It’s Geography Awareness Week!  The Dallas/Fort Worth Airport is larger than Manhattan 


 That can't be true, can it?




As a matter of fact, it is.  And not based on one of my 83% statistics, either.  In terms of land area, the entire island of Manhattan covers 22.96 square miles, but whoever designed the Dallas/Fort Worth Airport figured he needed 28.24 square miles to fit an airport.  

 Yes, the Dallas/Fort Worth airport is the second largest airport in the country (behind only Denver), the fourth busiest in the world (by aircraft movements) and has its own Zip code.  It's primary function is to help people get the heck out of Dallas.

Theme Week, Part Europe

It’s Geography Awareness Week!  The Atlantic Ocean is saltier than the Pacific Ocean


Please don't do this, Jeremy.  We've talked about it, and it's just not magically becoming a good idea.


But I really want to!


I know you do, but you owe it to everyone not to say it.


I'm going to anyway.


Fine...but I just want to be on the record as being against this.


So the main reason for the Atlantic Ocean being saltier is a greater number of pirates.


Everybody hates you now.  I hope you're happy.
 

See you tomorrow! 

Theme Week, Part South America

It’s Geography Awareness Week!  Mexico City is sinking at a rate of 6 to 8 inches a year

I've always had a sinking feeling when I went there.  This pretty well explains that.

What's not really well explained is the reason for this fun geography fact.  It's pretty well documented that the city is sinking due to water being pumped out of the underground lake bed on which the city is built.  But what startles me is that the reason the water has been pumped faster in recent years is because more people live in the city and are using it as drinking water.  

And we've always been told not to drink the water.  Confusing.  

Theme Week, Part North America

It’s Geography Awareness Week!  Hawaii is the only US state that grows coffee

 Ooo!  Theme Week!  We haven't had one of those around here in a while. 


I know!  I started to feel bad that I haven't had a Theme Week for quite some time, and this week, Geography Awareness Week just kinda fell into my lap.  So all this week, we'll be presenting fun geography facts!


We'll also be using this Theme Week as a flimsy excuse to watch the video of Miss South Carolina again.  That never seems to get old.


Well, if there's ever been a reason to be more aware of geography, that is it. 

So today, we get to learn about coffee.  It's pretty fitting for a monday that we learn that there is a only a select set of latitudes at which coffee beans can grow (Ideally, 0-10deg) , and that all of the coffee produced in the world comes from that region.  The only part of the United States that is inside this climate zone is Hawaii.  Hawaii is known for producing the Kona variety of coffee. 

I Have As Much Chance As Perry

Three reasons to celebrate today:  It’s 11/11/11, It’s Veterans Day, and uhm…I forget.  Oops

Once again, it's time to celebrate another cute little pattern in a date that's only there if you write it in once specific arbitrary way.  This time, we conveniently leave out the "20" in 2011 to create 11/11/11.  It's better than some of the ones we've had recently.  

And Happy Veterans Day to all the veterans out there and all the people who get to skip a day of work and school because of them.  I don't get to skip work, but I can still appreciate the Vets.  

I can also appreciate good political comedy when I see it, and candidate Rick Perry supplied us all with some comedic gold at the most recent presidential debate when he not only suffered a bout of complete mental flatulence, but looked absolutely terrible trying to cover it up.  Many Of You Have Probably Seen It Already.

Unfortunately for me, by the time I had realized how to turn this into satire (in jaunty Sametime Status form...see above), Jon Stewart Had Already Figued It Out, so I sound a little unoriginal, but I'm okay with that.  Jon's a professional, so I'll give credit where credit is due.  He jumped all over it in the same way I decided to...and probably did a better job.  

It's just a little sad that in this era of politics, where the 8-second sound byte is more important than knowledge, integrity, or anything of substance to a candidate, that certain politicians can't even remember to get their sound bytes right.  What's worse is that this episode pretty much seals the fact that Perry can't even think on his feet well enough to hold the highest office in the country.  Yet, he's still going to run, people are still going to funnel money to him, and yes...people are still even going to vote for him. 

A Long Way To Go For A Rant

I wonder what kind of statistical analysis the cafeteria workers run on toaster casualties

Has there been another Toaster fatality?


In the most immediate sense, I'm not aware of any this week, but there have been plenty in recent memory.   So, you all remember the Famed Toaster of Hades, right?  Well, I ponder it every now and again, often when I'm waiting for a bagel to toast, waiting with anxious anticipation to see what will emerge.  See, the Toaster has claimed so many victims that it prompts various actions by the folks who run the Adorably Tiny Cafeteria Thing In My Building.  You certainly remember some of them.  There's the "Use Your Head When Toasting Bread" sign, the knob removal, the scotch-tape-a-piece-of-metal-over-the-missing-knobs ploy to restrict access to the controls, and (I'm assuming) a change in the PM frequency to reduce the crumb contamination levels.


As an aside, it seems like you're not the only one With These Types Of Problems


What concerns me is the success criteria of these various actions.  I'm an engineer...so everything I do has to have a problem statement, an action plan, owners, target dates, and success criteria.  For example, if tool availability is low, I implement a fix then track how the availability changes as a result of that action.  Sometimes, it seems like overkill (or over-management, but that's splitting hairs) but it gives people a single number by which to judge me...and that just makes sense.  I'm curious if the cafeteria workers are subject to the same scrutiny that I am.  I'm guessing not, but it's fun to think about.

Here's a small office and a computer with statistical analysis software installed.  One of the cashiers pores over a trend chart of toaster fires per week, tirelessly coming up with mean and sigma charts, determining the frequency of fires and creating a pareto of the points of cause.  Croissants are #1, followed by buttered items, flaky pastries, donuts, muffins, bagels etc.  The #1 root cause is determined to be people deciding to toast things that shouldn't be toasted, and that operator education is the corrective action.  The "Use Your Head When Toasting Bread" sign is born!  A couple weeks later, the entire process is recreated, and the incidents of croissants and buttered toast igniting into fiery orbs of death are reduced, and the cashier can present the improvement to management.  The frequency of product ignition is still higher than the purchase spec of the toaster, so the cashier is sent back to re-do all of the analysis and begin the process again.

I choose to believe this is why I end up standing in line at the empty cash register for a couple minutes every morning before one of the cashier comes out of the office to ring up my iced tea.

Like A Saw

Nicolas Cage is the 6th most overpaid actor in Hollywood.  I’m surprised at this

Where did you get this data?  It's suspect.

As usual, I'm Not Making This Up.  It's from the official Forbes list of Hollywood's most overpaid celebrities.   

So what about this surprises you?

The fact that there are 5 people in Hollywood that are actually worse.  But, I guess statistics are statistics, and Forbes actually backs up their claims with data, so I guess I can't argue.  What I can point out is that it may just be a blip on the radar, and my boy Cage will be right up on top of next year's list.

This assumes people keep paying him to be in crappy movies.

Sadly, that seems to be the trend.  They should stop.

I'll Shuffle, Too

I can’t tell if LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem” is supposed to be a real song or not

The creepy giant hamsters in the car commercial seemed to be pretty okay with it.

So I'm guessing most of you out there have heard this song and may just not recognize it by name, so I'll start by helping you out.  

Here's A Link To The Video 

A well-known car company used it in a recent commercial featuring dancing robots and a mechanized soldier that bore a resemblance to Master Chief from Halo.

Very true...now when you say "well-known car company"...which one was it?

I'm not at liberty to say.

And that's because...?

It's because I forget which one.  Moving right along...

So this song is a strange blend of catchiness, banality, and lunacy that seriously makes me wonder if the song is supposed to be for real or not.  It very well could be a novelty song akin to anything Wierd Al Yankovic puts out, or it could just be the kind of popular tripe that in no way is supposed to be good music but ends up being ubiquitous and money-making.  

Somebody help me out, here!

Bobby Fuller Probably Said It Better

I passively avoided the law and the law may or may not win this afternoon…not great lyrics

Ladies and gentlemen, this will be the final edition of Jeremy Is In The Office, since it seems Jeremy will be off to the slammer for the next 6-18 months.   What did you do anyway?

Uhm...nothing quite like that.  

First of all, the Blag isn't going anywhere...we'll keep on posting stuff here for you to enjoy.

There really is no justice in the world...

Secondly, today may or may not be the day of reckoning for the aforementioned Jury Duty I'm on this week.  I thought I dodged a bullet the other day when the juror numbers that were required to report ended 4 before mine, and it was getting later in the week.  I figured by Thursday, they'd have everyone they needed for the week and I might be off the hook.  

Well, now I have to re-check the status message at 11:15AM (about 7 minutes from this typing) to see if I have to report this afternoon or not.  Hopefully not...I have stuff to do.

With Pictures and Exposure Levels

“It’s like Facebook, but for the nuclear plant”

Jeremy...what are you talking about?

I pretty honestly wish I knew.  This is one of those things that happens in a dream of mine that makes perfect sense at the time, but seen in the light of day makes me seem all bat-crap crazy.  

So I was explaining to somebody about the website I was viewing (I'm assuming it was wholesome) and felt obligated to explain that it was just like Facebook, but for the people who worked at the nuclear power plant.  I don't live especially near a nuclear power plant, nor do I know anybody who works for one.  I'm also pretty sure that workers at nuclear plants don't have their own social networking website, and they're allowed on Facebook and The Google Plus like the rest of us.

Does anybody actually use Google Plus?

I have no idea.  You just don't hear much about them anymore, do you?    

Culinary Crime

I need to buy eggs, but I don’t want to look suspicious

You always look suspicious.  I don't trust you around my goldfish.

You have a goldfish?  

Of course.  I'm allergic to cats.

So anyway, today's Sametime Status is brought to you by my breakfast.  I made french toast recently because I wanted to make a nice breakfast, but only had one egg in the house.  Then there was that whole snowstorm thing you may have heard about which prevented me from going to the store.  Long story short, my house is entirely devoid of eggs, so there will be no french toast, omelets or Eggs Benedict until further notice.

You make Eggs Benedict?

Just because I haven't doesn't mean I can't.  

So here we are today, the roads are clear and most of the stores around are open again (Word is that the local WalMart was even closed when they lost power) and I should hit the grocery store.  I didn't lose power long enough to have all of my food spoil...I just need a couple things.  One of those things would be the aforementioned eggs.  Problem is, I live in a constant state of fear that cashiers at the grocery store (or any other store, for that mater) and today is Halloween.  I'm pretty sure that every grocery cashier who scans a carton of eggs today will just assume that those eggs are destined for somebody's front door.  I don't want them to assume I'm going to be vandalizing somebody's house when all I want is a scrambled egg.  

I'll just have to wait and buy groceries tomorrow. 

Wherein We Make Friends With Klingons

Training Day IV: The Undiscovered Country

Again with the movies?  Shouldn't you be learning something?

Well, at the moment, no.  We get occasional breaks from the deluge of information provided by the training course, so we're taking a pause at the moment.


So you decided to regale us with nerdiness?


It's what I do.  Today is the last day of training, which just happens to be Day 6.  Not many film series of note have gone to a 5th sequel, so even though I did Sci Fi yesterday, I felt obligated to go with Star Trek for Day 6.  I'm sure you all enjoy it.


Speaking of weird work schedules, Jeremy Is In The Office may or may not be in the office any given day next week.  The court system finally caught up with Jeremy.


Fortunately, I'm not the defendant...I drew jury duty.


So, next week...we'll see if Jeremy Is In The Office or not.  We'll also see how he feels about capital punishment.


It's just a small town court...I sincerely doubt I'll have a noteworthy trial.  And even if I did, I don't think I'm supposed to talk about it anyway, so anything you hear about a trial will be complete made-up bunk.  It's more fun that way!

Freezing Fury

Training Day, Episode 5: Mother Nature Strikes Back


Geeze, Jeremy.  Another day of training?  Once this is over, you're going to be a genius or something.


First of all, as evidenced on this Blag, I already am a genius. 

Second of all, there's only one more day of this stuff..so it's not so bad.

Thirdly, it would seem as if Mother Nature has won another round in the war of attrition between me and my heating bill.  I actually turned the heat on in my house yesterday, signaling the unofficially official end of summer.  Something about the forecast showing solid-form precipitation and low temperatures that start with a 2 meant that I should probably break down and start paying for warmth again. 

The concept of "sleeping weather" is an interesting one that I hear about.  Toward the end of summer, I start hearing people talk about how they had "good sleeping weather" the night before.  The idea being that when it's cold, it's not too hot in your house to be comfortable while sleeping, without the use of a fan or aid conditioner.  The problem with this is that you're unconscious, and unable to actually pay attention to, let alone enjoy, the weather.  The concept seems to only apply to temperature, but as far as I'm concerned, the only kind of "sleeping weather" I need to concern myself with is anything that's quiet.  So, hurricanes and tornadoes are out, regardless of the thermometer. 

However, when it's cold, we have good sleeping weather.  I'm okay with that...I just get out the big blanket, burrito myself in the bed, and wait for morning.  My problem has started to arise with me in the morning, where the room temperature has been dropping steadily since the summer months.  In the last couple weeks, that temperature has made its way into the lower 60s in the morning.  While this would still qualify as perfectly good "sleeping weather" it's not particularly good "getting out of the shower" weather. 

These Rarely Go Well

Training Day 4…not starring Denzel Washington

 Ooo...did they Darrenize Denzel's character for the sequel?

Thankfully, no.  Today's Sametime Status is simply pointing out that I'm back in that training class I had a couple weeks ago.

Jeremy failed miserably.

Actually, Jeremy passed with a 97.06%...only missed part of one multiple-answer question which was bunk anyway.  This particular course is divided into two parts, and now we're in Part II.  Therefore, it's Training Day...and the 4th one.  Pretty simple.  

Speaking of lousy sequels and reboots...I got a chance to see the new remake of "Footloose" not long ago.  Regrettably, I did not turn down that chance.  

Even with lousy movies, the director will often get something right, often by sheer happenstance.  In the case of Craig Brewer's remake of the 1984...well...I hesitate to use the word "classic" but whatever...the only thing he managed to get right was to use Kenny Loggins' original song as the opening theme.  This is pretty sad, since all he had to do was directly copy the movie he was copying, but he pulled it off admirably!  After that, it was pretty much downhill.  

Let's ignore the completely implausible and dated plot (dancing is outlawed by an over-reactively conservative city council until a reckless youth leads a spirited rebellion in order to free himself and nail the preacher's daughter), lousy script, and atrocious acting for the time being and focus on the car.  A car that's been sitting in a barn for an undetermined amount of time, but long enough to have a thick layer of dust won't simply start right up by putting in a battery.  Usually there's some kind of gas involved...maybe some oil...and it often helps if the car is less than 40 years old.  Even if we ignore that, the car stereo which barely has enough power to drive the speakers built into the car will apparently become an ear-shattering, disturbing-the-peace-ticket-inducing pinnacle of mobile audio simply by connecting it via a single wire to a carnival loudspeaker.  Remarkable!  

I'm also not sure how many people out there who take out their frustrations with the world by dancing around an abandoned factory, swinging on rusty chains and breaking windows before falling on the ground laughing,  but apparently, this is a perfectly viable means of escape.  And if you find you're having trouble agreeing with somebody, by all means, settle your differences by driving old school buses around a figure-8 demolition derby.  That will show everyone who's boss.  Just don't ask where you're supposed to procure a fleet of customized used school buses. 

Oh yeah...I would be completely and thoroughly remiss if I failed to mention the horrifyingly awful cover of Bonnie Tyler's "Holding Out For A Hero" that was spewed upon the world by Ella Mae Bowen.  Sweet merciful crap, that was terrible.  

Before we went to see this shameless, lousy, money-grab masquerading as a movie, we were alerted to a critical review that suggested the film would be a better experience if you were intoxicated upon entering the theatre (I Am Not Making This Up).  Unfortunately for that author, all I can offer is that it doesn't help enough.  Footloose (2011) is pure junk. 

This has been another edition of Jeremy Is In The Theatre

Either Way, His Name is Jonathan

Three straight shutouts apparently isn’t good enough to make the next start

Yep...it's hockey season.  Jeremy's going to be busy for a while now.

Well, it seemed that way.  Today started off with me wanting to amuse everyone with the tale of LA Kings goaltender Jonathan Quick, who set a franchise record in his last game, recording a third consecutive shutout and now hasn't been scored upon in his last 188+ minutes of play.  All that said, he won't be starting tonight's game against New Jersey because...uhm...well...because.  

What ended up happening today though was too much fun to pass up.  I set a new record for futility at work today.  We get new computers every so often because they become obsolete and start having trouble, and all the usual reasons.  Well, today was my day to get a new computer...which for me is usually very exciting.  I get to play with new electronics and configure a new desktop and see what capabilities my new machine has.  It's great fun.  Of course, to get to that point, I have to go through the standard configuration wizard which includes the installation of all the required programs for network access and passwords and security and whatnot.  My new laptop choked on this wizard no fewer than three ways.  

A hard drive security program didn't install properly, the network access program won't run at all, and the software installation program won't update.  It was a whole new type of pathetic that I had my computer for 45 minutes before I found myself on the phone with the help desk.  That has GOT to be a new low.  Who's got a better story?

So Did Both Fans

Based on the commentary, I expected the Coyotes to win by 5 or 6 goals

 Sports Commentary sucks.

Oh boy!  It's time for another horrifyingly misguided Rant from Jeremy!  Dust off your soapboxes, everybody!  We're about to get sued!

As hard as it may be to believe, on occasion, I will watch a hockey game on TV.  Shocking, I know...but it's true.  One important aspect of watching sports on TV is the play-by-play and color commentary provided by the game's announcers.  Once you become accustomed to a certain announcing team, be they Doc and Chico, Bob and Jim, Dan and "Moose," it actually gets a little uncomfortable to watch a game announced by a different crew.  Not long ago, I was treated to a Los Angeles vs Phoenix game, with commentary provided by Dave Strader and Tyson Nash.  Since one of the teams involved was LA, I expected to hear Bob Miller and Jim Fox, but it was the Phoenix broadcast, so it was a little unusual.  What followed was a travesty of announcing.  

Dave and Tyson are what are referred to in the industry as "Homers."  That is, they firmly believe that the team that employs them (in this case, the woeful Coyotes) can do no wrong.  If you weren't actually paying attention to the game, you would come away firmly convinced that the Coyotes were playing the better game.  They were skating faster, fore-checking better, winning more individual battles, getting the better scoring chances, deserving of more power plays, getting the better of the 4th line play, fighting better, checking harder, and goaltending better than LA.  It seemed from the audio of the broadcast that the Coyotes were running absolutely roughshod over the Kings.  

Strange, then that the game ended 2-0 in favor of Los Angeles. 

Comedy Returns Tomorrow, Hopefully

If Wall Street wanted to occupy my wallet with 1% of their money, I’d be okay with that

What would you do with all that money?

What are the people who have it doing with it?

Fair point.

So today's Sametime Status is in reference to the Occupy Wall Street protests that are still going on in New York and various other places around the world...and nobody really knows why.  I get that there is a lot of unhappiness among them, but I just don't understand what they expect to happen out of the whole thing.  

The corporate world is built around growth of profit in order to increase stock prices.  There is no corporation in the world that will willingly sacrifice a couple years' worth of profits and risk the wrath of the stockholders, mainly because the heads of the companies will be replaced by people who will go back to the singular focus of increasing the stock price.  The issue right now is that corporations have forgotten how to make money.  Most sales aren't growing by the desired pace (mostly because nobody has any money left) and all that's left is to increase profits by lowering costs...which amounts to little more than taking money away from the people who already don't have it.  Ostensibly, it seems like a pretty self-destructive spiral that's been going on for the last 30 years or so and shows no signs of stopping before it crashes.  I don't know what the answer is, and neither do the protesters, or the 1% of the people they're protesting against.  

False Sense of Security

Getting a Flu shot today, even though it only immunizes against H1N1

Well, as you know, there is no vaccine against Bird Flu.  Never has been.

And unless people wake up, there won't be until it's too late.  

Anyway...it's probably important to mention that I am now vaccinated against the seasonal influenza, which means if I get sick, it's likely your fault.  A little pinch on my arm is a small price to pay for the knowledge that the weaksauce H1N1 won't get me.  

The Cost Of Sanity

The Satellite Radio company should use Election Season as an advertisement

 We'd like to say that it's that time of year again, but since it'll be going on for the next year non-stop, we don't really know what to call it.  It's a little unfortunate.




That's right, everyone...it's election time again!  Sure, we've never really stopped seeing election signs from the last election in November, then the special election in February, the other election in April and whatever the frig else people splatter campaign signs all over the world for.  As much as we all wish they'd stop, everyone knows they won't.  One method they use of destroying our quality of life is the radio commercial.  For about a month and a half before every election, 83% of the commercials you hear on the radio will be negative mud-slinging political advertisements against one candidate, which leave you a little unclear who exactly you're supposed to be voting FOR.

Not long ago, I had a free trial of satellite radio.  It was enjoyable hearing songs that I hadn't heard on the radio in some time (or ever) and being able to do so without hearing commercials.  That said, I decided pretty early on that these positives were not worth the cost of a regular subscription, so as soon as the free trial expired, so would my involvement with satellite radio.  Of course, the satellite radio company disagreed and have proceeded to call me ever other week asking if I want a subscription.  It recently occurred to me (while listening to an interview with some political candidate I won't be voting for) that their best sales pitch would be right around this time of year.  All they have to do is call me and say, "If you pay for satellite radio, you won't have to listen to political commercials anymore," and I'll be reaching for my wallet.

Rhetorical Friday Strikes Back

Who decided what order to put the alphabet in?

 I hate you.

You're choosing to hate the player, and not the game?  

Well, I chose to hate Rhetorical Friday quite some time ago.  You're responsible for this, so therefore, I hate you as well.

I pay your salary.

I love Rhetorical Friday!

That's better.  

Now anyway, the concept of Alphabetical Order has been around for as long as the alphabet, but unlike numbers and counting and that sort of thing, the order of letters in the alphabet seems more than a little arbitrary.  Why did they choose to put Q before S?  S is clearly the more important letter as evidenced by every episode of Wheel of Fortune ever made.  We're taught alphabetical order from a young age, and we never question it.  A comes before B and B comes before C...and that's just how it is.  I don't know how much sense this makes, and I would like the English-speaking world to do a full review of the alphabet so we can make sure we have the most efficient alphabet possible.  Just because we'd have to re-organize the dictionary is no reason to stick with an old, failed system.  

Jeremy's old Statistics professor used to say, "Most parts of the world speak broken English, except the United States.  There, it's been ground into a fine powder."  

Happy Rhetorical Friday, everybody!

Then Launch It Out Of A Cannon

Dunkin Donuts is missing a big opportunity by calling it a “Pumpkin”

Well, just so you know, I checked on Webster this morning, and the official term for a pumpkin is, in fact, "pumpkin."  Also, are you feeling okay?  You actually used the real name of a large, faceless, automatonic corporation.  Usually, you obscure those pretty transparently.

Well, in this case, I thought it was necessary.  Also, I'm not calling them out for being lousy or screwing something up.  They just used the wrong word in an advertisement for something that I may or may not buy.  I'm pretty impartial to pumpkin muffins and pumpkin donuts and pumpkin coffee and whatever else Dunkin' has decided to pumpkinify.  

It's surprisingly difficult to type the word pumpkin that many times in one sentence...in case you were wondering.

We weren't. 

So anyway, since Dunkin Donuts's advertising department has dropped the ball, I've decided to help them out in the form of a quick Blag post explaining how they should have done it in a manner that would have added whimsy.  The official tag line they're using is "Nobody Does Pumpkin Like Dunkin'".  What they should have done is take advantage of the shortened, folksy version of the word "Pumpkin" and made the catch phrase "Nobody Does Punkin' Like Dunkin'".  Of course, then Ashton Kutcher's lawyers would probably have something to say about that, but it makes the commercials sound better.  

You are welcome.

Almost Soothing

It’s just not the same unless my car is yelling at me

 Jeremy is a bad driver.  Do yourself a favor and stay off the sidewalks.

This has nothing to do with my driving abilities, which are perfectly acceptable, by the way.  This has to do with the pretty established notion that I am a creature of habit.  I settle into routines, arrange the bills in my wallet a very specific way, have some mild compulsive tendencies, and expect certain things to happen in a very certain way.  

One of those things is starting my car.  I have a routine.  I settle into the seat, start the car, put the seat belt on, then proceed merrily on my way.  One important part of this is the order of operations...start the car before seat belt.  I don't know why it goes this way, but I don't question it.  It has an unfortunate side effect, though.  Pretty much every car in creation nowadays has an alarm that starts to go off if you start the car without having the seat belt connected.  It's usually a pretty mild beeping that goes on while the car is going through its start-up cycle.  That noise has become so ingrained in my routine that if for some reason, I have my seat belt on before I start the car, I get concerned that there isn't an alarm going off.  The car's not supposed to not make a beeping sound at this stage of the game.

Nerdiest Post in a While

Star Trek united the world in pronunciation of the word “Data”

Ah, that nutty Star Trek.  Is there anything it can't do?

I'm sure there is, but we haven't found it yet.  

A while ago, before Star Trek: The Next Generation was on TV, there were two very distinct pronunciations of the word "Data."  There were those in the DAH-ta camp (with the AH as in "HAT", and those who went with DAY-ta.  Well, Star Trek changed all of that.  Brent Spiner portrayed the character of the lovable scamp of an android hoping to be a real boy named "Data."  

Well, the whole ToMAYto ToMAHto debate with Data was put to bed early on in the series in a whimsical exchange with Dr. Pulaski, as shown at the 20-second mark of THIS VIDEO.  

Whether you like Stat Trek or not, you have to admit that you really haven't heard anyone pronounce the word "DAH-ta" since. 

Blistery Memories

I haven't had a case of "Nintendo Thumb" this bad since before I actually owned a Nintendo

Today's post is to inform all of you loyal readers that Jeremy will be taking the rest of the week off for medical leave.  The soreness on his left thumb is too much to bear, and he is not able to press the space bar anymore.  The doctors have prescribed bed rest for 4 days.

Okay, well...part of that is true.  Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office for the rest of the week, but for entirely different reasons.  I'll actually be spending the rest of the week in an off-site training course, and I won't have access to my instant messenger, so there's really no sense in making new messages to use as a Status.  Which is a shame, because I had a really good one for tomorrow...I'll give you a hint:  It had something to do with Fire.

Anyway, to truly appreciate today's Sametime Status, the concept of "Nintendo Thumb" must be understood.  When playing an old-school Nintendo (Os the subsequent Playstation or X-Box), the left thumb manipulates a control pad or joystick.  While this can be done with a very light and simple motion, most video games are more engaging, and thus the pressure applied can become, albeit unknowingly, pretty substantial.  Extended periods of time applying this force can cause quite a bit of soreness in the left thumb, possibly even blisters, until the hand becomes accustomed to this type of action.  This soreness is known as "Nintendo Thumb."

It must also be understood that I never had a Nintendo when I was growing up.  I'm not sure how much this bothers me.  You have to factor in the fact that Nintendos were the only socially acceptable video game to have.  There's also the fact that I am made of suck at Nintendo-based video games.  It doesn't matter which ones...from Mario to Duck Hunt, Tetris to Contra...

Pause inserted here on account of you're all thinking "Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start"

I am terrible at all of them.  Now, give me a rousing game of "NHL Hitz" on my X-Box, and I'll beat the computer by 30 goals while ringing up 20 minutes in penalties and checking the goalie through the glass at least once.  (Yes, it's possible...and even legal in certain instances)  But that's beside the point.  The point is that because my thumb never got accustomed to Nintendo games, whenever I play my X-Box, I get Nintendo Thumb.  This is especially ironic considering I actually own a Nintendo now...a Wii, which does not have the Thumb affliction.  

So why were you playing video games so much that you caused this?

I was doing drywall work, which everyone knows is an iterative process.  You splatter on some joint compound, and play video games while you wait for it to dry.  Then you sand, apply more compound, and play video games while you wait for it to dry.  It's really pretty tedious, and damaging to your left thumb.  Anyway...see you all next week!