Christmas Creeper: Minecraft

Christmas Creep: When the timer on your tree’s lights can’t keep time properly 

Christmas Creep...when you find a guy dressed as Santa Claus sitting in the bushes in front of your house.  

So back to my point...

I've stated before that I'm an engineer, and engineering is little more than the art and science of laziness.  I am therefore lazy.  As such, when it's tome for Christmas, I like to maintain an air of festivity, but at a minimum of effort on my part.  I have gone to certain lengths to make sure this happens.  

I, like many people around this time of year, have lights outside my house.  Because of the house's design and the landscaping, it is remarkably difficult to reach the eaves on my house without a large extension ladder and preferably, somebody to hold said ladder when I'm climbing on it.  Because of this level of nonsense, I do not hang lights from my eaves.  I have four spotlights that shine red light onto the front of my house, lighting the whole place up for the holidays.  Christmas...done.  

Moreso than that, I have this entire setup hooked up to a photo sensor with a timer.  I don't even have to turn the lights on...they turn themselves on when it gets dark and turn themselves off 7 hours later.  Laziness...done.  

Inside, I have candle lights in each of my front-facing windows.  Photo sensors on all of them.  They turn on when it's dark, turn off when it's light, and I don't even have to think about it.  Candles...done.  

And I have my tree.  400 cool white wide angle LEDs, 100 multi-colored wide angle LEDs, 20 color-changing LEDs in the star topper, and I'm ready to go all Corey Hart, wearing Sunglasses At Night while my tree is lit up like the surface of a small star.  Do I put any effort into this on a daily basis?  If you've read any of my drivel to this point, you will know that the answer is a hearty and full-throated "of course not!"  All of that stuff is on a timer which turns on at 5:00PM and turns off at 11:30PM.  Tree...done.  

That is...until the tree turns on at 5:45...and 6:15...and 7:00....wait, what?  

All of my hard work getting to this nirvana of holiday laziness undone by the fact that my tree's timer can no longer tell time.  

I need a new timer. 

There's A Worse Example Out There, I'm Sure

I thought a washing machine with a remote control would be a remarkably dumb invention.  One already exists  

Well, strictly speaking, the one you found doesn't have a "remote control" as such...it's connected to an app on your mobile device.

Well, yes...but the fact that such a thing exists is at least mildly disturbing to me.  Let's take a step back...

STORY TIME!!!

So, not long ago,  I was explaining the basic tenets of engineering to a friend of mine.  Primarily, I was referring to the most basic root of engineering...that engineering is the art and science of laziness.  Really, that's what it's all about.  Engineers spend their entire careers going really far out of their way to be lazy.  Here's my go-to example:  An engineer sat around their desk for weeks if not months creating circuit diagrams and playing with power supplies and logic design and infrared transmitters all so that he wouldn't have to get up off of the couch to change the channel of the television.  This truly epitomizes laziness...and the remote control was one of the defining inventions of the 20th century.  

So much so, that when we buy just about anything now, we're disappointed if it doesn't have a remote control.  Televisions, radios, cars, light switches, lawn sprinklers, fans, air conditioners, garage doors, Lederhosen, the list goes on and on.  

So, I started to think about my initial premise, about how we're disappointed with something we buy if it doesn't have a remote control, and took it to an illogical conclusion: Something that could not possibly benefit from a remote control.  I thought of what possible use one could have for a washing machine that had a remote control.  It makes no sense whatsoever that you would need this feature.  Why?  BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO BE STANDING IN FRONT OF THE THING TO PUT LAUNDRY IN IT!  How in the name of all things good and plenty would you be standing there, load the washing machine, put soap and whatnot into the dispenser, close the door, then need to walk away before turning the thing on?  There is no reason for this whatsoever.  Don't even argue this. 

Well, whatever brain-dead imbecile would need this feature is covered now, thanks to (at the very least...I grew tired of humanity after finding the first search result.  I assume there are more, God save us) the Samsung F900 washing machine, complete with the remarkably inappropriately named "Smart Control" which connects your washing machine to your iOS or Android device.  That's right...your washing machine now has a remote control.  Of course, you still need to get up off the couch to put your clothes into it, but we're one step closer to ultimate laziness.  Get on that load step, engineers!