Or is it?

Is this really a rhetorical question?


If I answer "Yes" then it wasn't a rhetorical question. It's a circular rhetorical fallacy of some sort.


But you haven't answered yes...you just responded with rhetoric of your own. It's really quite an exciting way to spend Rhetorical Friday!


You know what would be exciting? If Rhetorical Friday would go on vacation or something.


Funny you should mention that...because I'm going on vacation! Woohoo!


Woohoo!


So I'll be out until Labor Day. In the meantime, I suggest you take the week to peruse some of the other Status Message Blogs out there or just enjoy the holiday. I'll be back on September 8th with more of the Sametimey goodness you know and love.


See you when you come back!

Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office starting tomorrow and returning on Tuesday, 9/8. In an emergency, please contact Evil Jeremy's Sametime Status.

Yee-haw!

Somebody may now explain to me why my MP3 collection includes “She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy” by Kenny Chesney


The sad thing is that you actually know the answer to this, but you're refusing to acknowledge it.


Well, I certainly know why it came into my collection. It was to play at a hockey game against Elmira. The problem is that it remains in my collection to this day...long after I stopped caring about Elmira hockey.


Or Elmira in general, really...


This is a classic example of me needing to cull my MP3 library once in a while. I have stuff that I've downloaded for other people, stuff I've downloaded by mistake looking for other songs, and stuff that I've downloaded for a specific purpose that has long-since passed. All of this is taking up valuable space on my computer, my other computer, one of my other computers, my MP3 player, my other MP3 player, or my GPS (which has an MP3 player).


Sounds like you need to cull your stable of MP3 playing devices while you're at it.


When you list them all together like this, it does seem a little much.

Wait, what?

The National Boomerang Championship has a “Long Distance” division. I’m not making that up.


There's a National Boomerang Championship?


Yes...and they have multiple events including "Long Distance." This makes no sense to me because....you know....it's a boomerang. It's supposed to come back to you. It would stand to reason that the thing you want least out of a boomerang is distance.


That reminds me of a great joke. "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick!"


Maybe the Distance award is like the Ig-nobel prize of the Golden Raspberry awards. Given to the biggest fail.

It's plaid

Happy National Second-Hand Wardrobe Day, Everybody!


In celebration of National Second-Hand Wardrobe Day, I'll be bringing you today's Blag entry. It's sort of a Hand-Me-Down Blag from Jeremy. He's done such a crap job with it, that it can only get better. Now, I'd like to introduce my new lackey, Jeremy!


Don't get too comfortable. You only get the Blag for one day.


One day should be enough. I can bring a little respectability back to the internets.


How would you like to go about that?


I have no idea. How about we watch a video of a guy playing music on a funky custom-made instrument of sorts:

You can actually never use your car

If Sametime Status is not visible, have your computer towed for service


Car Owner's Manuals suck.


Time for another rant I see. I'll get the Tylenol.


When you buy a car, you get a free Owner's Manual. It's at least mildly impressive because it's about 700 pages long and you get it for free. Go to your neighbourhood bookstore, and you'll be paying at least $15 for a 700 page book. Seriously...try it.

What's only slightly less impressive is the fact that the manual is 700 pages long and contains no information whatsoever. I've been writing this blag for around 2 years now, and have only come up with about 300 posts of non-informative crap. It's quite the endeavour to get up to 700 pages.

I recently decided that the headlights on my car are aimed incorrectly. That, and everybody else on the road who flashes their highbeams at me to get me to turn mine off (even though they're not on) have all agreed. So, I moronically decide to flip through the owner's manual to see how to go about adjusting the things. You know what it tells me? That I shouldn't try to aim the headlights myself, and to take it to the dealer to have it serviced. I looked online and found a website showing the location of 2 screws that adjust the direction of the lights. Seriously? My car's manufacturer has so little faith in me that they actually document the fact that I'm incapable of turning 2 screws? I decided to look up other things in the manual on a lark to see what they suggest doing.

Headlight burned out - Take to dealer for service
Change Windshield Wiper - You can do that yourself
Dead Battery - Tow to dealer for service
Check Engine Light On - Tow to dealer for service
Low Coolant Light On - Take to dealer for service
Blown Fuse - Take to dealer for service
Low Power Steering Fluid - Take to dealer for service
Change Oil Light On - Take to dealer for service
Turn Signal Doesn't Flash - Take to dealer for service

Holy crap! Not only can I not do anything myself, but in at least a couple cases, I'm not even allowed to drive the car...I have to get it towed to the dealer. Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, but I've actually performed some of these maintenance tasks myself (I won't tell you which ones), clearly violating the manual.

Here's the more troubling thing for me. The apparently appropriate maintenance response to just about any of these signals is to take the car to the dealer for service. Why then do we need a 700 page owner's manual? I can take care of their recommendations in one sentence:

• If something in the car breaks, starts to make noise, leak, or light up when it's not supposed to, take the car to the dealer for service.

There. I've solved one of the automakers' issues by consolidating the owner's manual to a scrap of paper no bigger than you'll find inside a fortune cookie. Assuming a company sells 10,000 cars a year, which I'm certain is a conservative estimate, and given the $15 price of a 700-page book we all agreed upon earlier, I've just saved one auto company $150,000 without sacrificing the quality or safety of their product one iota. I'll be waiting patiently for my check.

I'm sure it would be good

I’m still not completely clear on what Billy Cole would do


Probably something along the lines of what Brian Boitano would do, I'm guessing.


Perhaps. So for those of you unware, Billy Cole is a character in the movie "Cloud 9" featuring some form of volleyball tournament or another. In preparation for this weekend's volleyball tournament, a bunch of us will be watching this movie. Hopefully, it will bring us as much insight and inspiration as Zach Barnes did the last time.


Monroe Clark rules...that boy has some sweet hands.

...In a Blag far far away

In celebration of "Virtual Worlds" Day, today’s Sametime Status is Imaginary


Those of us in the United Federation of Planets think this is a way of posting on the lazy.


Oh come on! Today is Virtual Worlds Day...and since the Internetz is a virtual world in and of itself, today is a day to celebrate...well...me!


Technically, you're not virtual. Only one of us is imaginary.


In that case, Happy Virtual Worlds Day, LIR. You help make this Blag a place to be.


Happy to help! Do I get presents?


I'll send an E-Card later.

You're going to hate me for this.

A sham trial involving a Moose puppet, cascading ping pong balls, and Mr. Green Jeans: Captain Kangaroo Court


Just terrible.


Glad you liked it.


Does this have anything to do with the fact that you own a Moose puppet?


Actually, it really doesn't. I'm often told that I used to love watching Captain Kangaroo when I was little, but I quite honestly don't remember much about it. Just that the good Cap'n wore some really awesome suits. The existence of a Moose and Mr. Green Jeans is Hearsay.

It'll take a long time to cook this way

It's pretty annoying when your propane tank runs empty mid-steak


Sounds like you had a steak on the cold yesterday.


Well, not exactly. If you'll remember A While Back, I told you about a funky wireless grill thermometer I have. Well, I was watching the handset intently (A watched pot never boils, but a watched steak over flames still cooks as it turns out) waiting for it to reach optimum temperature...and when it was about 13 degrees below setpoint, it seemed to stall. I was curious and hungry, which prompted me to look out at the grill...where there were no longer flames.


13 degrees isn't so bad. Definitely above tartare.


Exactly, so while my steak was on the rare side of medium...it was not exactly to my liking, but totally edible. Of course, the fact remains that I have a couple bratwursts sitting in my fridge right now that belong on the grill tonight, and an empty propane tank. I can see this being problematic.


Sounds like you need to get a refill on the quick.

Posting on the sly

Grammar is fun! To convert an adverb to a noun, add the prepositional phrase "On the..." and insert the original word. Example "Cheaply" becomes "On the cheap"


Of course, the opposite does not always hold true. You can't substitute "I'm riding Busly" for "Riding on the bus."


Well...why not? I propose we all spend the week replacing prepositional phrases starting with "on the" with simply the adverb form of the object of the preposition.


You ended that sentence with three consecutive prepositional phrases.


Not the point. So, the rest of the week everybody...it's up to you to work "on the quick" or be "on the busy." It'll be fun!


Or post a blag "on the crappy."


That's the spirit!

Theme Week, Part *Wink-Wink*

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Conspiracy Theory Week! Donald Rumsfeld profited from Bird Flu at the expense of innocent taxpayers


Don Rumsfeld owns somewhere between 5 and 25 Million dollars worth of stock in a company called Gilead Sciences, Inc., a company for which he once served as chairman. Why is this important, you might ask? Because this company owns the patent on a drug commonly known as "Tamiflu" which has been touted to decrease the severity of an influenza infection and has been claimed as a potential cure for Bird Flu.


So during the last few years, whenever news of a Bird Flu outbreak happened, people rushed to the store to pick up scores of Tamiflu as a first defense against the upcoming global pandemic.


And every time one of those doses flew off the shelf, a Bush cronie pocketed more money. Who was responsible for most of the (albeit justified) fear and panic and making sure that everybody knew about every single outbreak? That's right...the government, headed by Mr's Bush and Rumsfeld.


It's quite plain to see that the government doesn't really have a vested interest in the inevitable Bird Flu pandemic because everyone will die. However, making sure that there is a panicked shopping frenzy because of an out-of-proportion news report about a small potential outbreak really is in their best interests. Or at least in the best interests of their wallets.


That's far from the only Bird Flu conspiracy out there, too.


Oh yeah...The government of China had long-ago suspended research on a cure for Avian Influenza. We can only assume it's because they already found the cure and are holding it hostage to profit from the rest of the world. Or else, they're trying to weaponize Bird Flu and want to make sure their people are safe.


Also, Doctors in Poland are trying to exterminate homeless people by giving them the Bird Flu Virus. They duped people into participating in a drug trial for what they described as a "flu vaccine" without telling the test subjects that it was an unapproved H5N1 drug.


The Indonesian health minister has accused the US government of trying to weaponize Bird Flu as well.


It's a dangerous world we live in, folks. Make sure you keep your eyes and ears open because you never know what THEY are trying to do to you. Jeremy and I, in association with Miracle Posting, Inc. would like to thank you for reading Conspiracy Theory Week and we'll see you on monday.

Theme Week, Part Shhhh

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Conspiracy Theory Week! The Auto Industry is suppressing a 200MPG Carburetor


This is ridiculous! They're doing this on purpose so they can drive up the price of gas just to make more money at our expense!


Today's Sametime Status deals with the conspiracy by the auto industry to suppress the high-mileage "Vapor Carburetor" from the industry. This invention has already been created, but rumour has it the inventor soon after became a wealthy manager of an oil filter company. Hmmm....


Later on in the 1970's, Tom Ogle claimed to have recreated the vapor carb and was approached by the oil industry. Not long after he declined to sell them the patent, he mysteriously died. That's proof!


Proof that there is a huge conspiracy to drive up the price of gas. We're already at $3 a gallon, so how much higher can they make us go? They already proved last year that $4 is too much. Are they trying again?!


All I know is I'm paying too much for gas, and if more efficient cars are out there, then oil company money aside, the government needs to make these cars available to the public. It's our right!


The government says that we'll have to have 35MPG cars in 10 years, when we already have 200MPG cars that THEY'RE keeping from us. This is totally immoral and must stop now!

Theme Week, Part Mum

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Conspiracy Theory Week! Jet contrails are a deliberate attempt to create artificial clouds to reduce global warming.


Well, this is obviously a problem. Who's behind this conspiracy, and what's being done about it?


It would seem that The Government is responsible for the cover-up of the artificial cover.


What makes you say that?


Well, the author of the illuminating website Contrails, Chemtrails and Artificial Clouds has sent a copy of his "Situation Report" to every member of congress and there's apparently been no direct action to stop it.


Yeah...we're still burning millions of gallons of jet fuel rather than finding an alternative, despite the trillions of dollars of capital and infrastructure designed around the petroleum industry.


Besides that, it appears to that one particular trained observer that NASA scientists, airline pilots, and even meteorologists are in on the conspiracy too, since none of them seem able to recognize the clouds the author CLEARLY identifies as artificial. There's a time-lapse video on the website to prove it and everything.


The author also backs up his environmentalist stance...the pdf I downloaded off the site says it's printed on recycled paper. That's thinking ahead.


More importantly, if there is a giant conspiracy to artificially create clouds, it's obviously a health hazard (Note the appearance of metal oxides about 1/4 of the way down the page...we can only assume the same Metal Oxides that create salts which form rainbows in lawn sprinklers), and somebody needs to do something about it. Obviously, the government isn't stepping up, and meteorologists obviously aren't paying attention (according to the author)...so who's going to help us?

Theme Week, Part Quiet

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Conspiracy Theory Week! Viktor Schauberger invented a Perpetual Motion Machine in the 1940’s, which was confiscated by the government.


Most "scientists" say that perpetual motion machines violate the laws of physics. Mr. Schauberger, it is claimed, invented one in the early 1940's, but the goverment decided to cover it up. Think about why.


The obvious answer is because the government makes lots of money on kickbacks from the energy companies. A perpetual motion machine would destroy the energy industry as we know it and be able to power the entire world for free. They don't want that to happen, so they confiscated Schauberger's machine and ruined his carreer as a scientist so nobody would believe him ever again.


It's really a shame too, now that we're paying $3 a gallon for gas again. It could have been free if only THEY would allow us to have this machine back.

Theme Week, Part Hush

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Conspiracy Theory Week! "They" put chemicals in our ground water which create rainbows.


Get out your foil helmets and black+white TV's, kids. It's Conspiracy Theory Week! All this week, the best in crazy conspiracy theories brought to you by the most trusted source in Intertubez news. Make sure you study up before "They" kidnap you, or take away your rights, or test something on you or some other nonsense!


Today's conspiracy theory is brought to you by some lady with a video camera and a lawn sprinkler. Many of you may have seen this video online already, but if not, here's your chance to be educated. Apparently, some metallic oxide salts are in our oxygen and/or water supply that weren't there 20 years ago.


We all know this.


Exactly...so think about it. It has to be the government or terrorist organizations or somebody else running tests and putting chemicals in our ground water. It's the only thing that makes sense. Here's the video evidence of this phenomenon:

Mother-In-Law of Rhetorical Friday

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be


Yay! Rhetorical Friday again! Woohoo!


Yes but...wait...I thought you hated Rhetorical Friday?


Maybe if I pretend to like it, you'll stop.


Not likely.

So today is a bit of a sad day, as we learn of the passing of filmmaker John Hughes.


Uhm, yeah...it's unfortunate, but seriously?


I think we should all take a Day Off...a Vacation, if you will...jump in a Plane, Train, or Automobile to go Home Alone and light 16 Candles over Breakfast to celebrate the life of one of the great screenwriters of our time.


I actually think that line was worse than the rest of Rhetorical Friday. Thanks for ruining my weekend.


You're welcome! See you on monday, everybody!

Two stops is just a killer

Every store can be a "One-Stop" if the product line is narrow enough


Okay...time for another rant, I see. I'll get the soapbox.


Commercials suck.

Every once in a while, the advertising paradigm shifts and somebody comes up with the new slogan or catch phrase that's going to be overused in commercials for the next couple years. One of the latest ones that torques me is the phrase "One-Stop." So many commercials advertise their business as your "One-Stop Shop" for all of you fill-in-the-blank needs.

Here's the problem...that blank can be whatever they want it to be. Joe's is your one-stop shop for all of your organic, energy-efficient pest control needs. One place around here actually bills themselves as a one-stop shop for all of your non-traditional body piercing jewellery needs. If you actually have a series of places you go for that sort of thing depending on your needs, I feel bad for you. "Oh, I go go Store A for my 3/4-inch earrings, but I only go to Store N for tongue bars. I wish one place would carry both." Seriously? Nobody does that.

This whole concept starts out as part of my series of Sametime Statuses about The Wussification Of America, where we strive to make everything easier at the cost of just about everything else. In this case, we want one store that sells us everything we need so that we don't have to drive all the way to the other side of the strip mall for something else. This type of shopping lends itself to the formation of large automatonic stores that carry a limited supply of a remarkably wide array of crap. Yes, I'm looking at you, Walmart. "Motor oil, clothing, TV's, pesticide, tropical fish, and bananas all under one roof! It's the one-stop shopping I've been looking for!"

Who reads that stuff anyway?

Maybe there was something in the owner's manual about mulching wet grass


Owner's manual? What's that?


It's a big ol' book of "information" that gets distributed when you buy a lawnmower...or some other thing. Like most people, I tend to largely ignore these things after looking at the pictures on the back to get the general idea of what to do with the thing.


That's a very sound strategy...how much more information do you really need than what's provided in a picture?


Exactly! Whatever isn't in the picture can be learned through experience, which has long been billed as "The Best Teacher." I gained experience yesterday while mowing the lawn.


Did your lawn mower blow up?


No. My lawn mower has a bagging attachment and a side-discharge chute as well as a Mulch system. I like to leave my mower set to "Mulch" mode primarily because I'm lazy and don't feel like hauling grass clippings around. Plus, it's better for the lawn or some other excuse I'm going to make up to sound less lazy. Most times, it works great and leaves me with a green, healthy lawn. (Okay, most of it is healthy weeds, but they still look green after mowing, so that's good enough) Yesterday, I learned the limitations of the Mulch system...it doesn't like mulching wet grass.

See, it's been raining pretty much non-stop all summer here which causes the lawn to grow at an alarming rate (the fact that it's 75% weeds probably doesn't help either) and also leaves very few windows during which to mow. Yesterday was one of those opportunities, so I had to take it, despite the non-optimal conditions. Here's how the mulcher works:

It mows the grass like normal, but leaves the clippings no place to go when they're done being cut...so instead they bounce around inside the deck until they get ground up into little bitty pieces which then settle down with the rest of the grass. Problem is, when the grass is a little wet, the clippings stick themselves to the top of the deck and stay there until the deck becomes full of leftover crap. This throws the blade out of balance and makes the mower loud and shaky...and probably a little dangerous. Here comes Jeremy with his little garden shovel scraping the grassy sediment from the deck (Yes, I shut the mower off first..though I did burn my arm on the engine's exhaust port once) every 3 minutes, creating a pile of wet sticky grass clippings in the back yard. At least I put it to good use, mulching the little hill at the back of the yard that's nothing but dirt and rocks. Who knows, maybe some new grass will start to grow there. Silver lining!

Not great, but good.

A good source of vitamins and minerals


A healthy approach to blagging. Courtesy of Jeremy's Sametime Status.