Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Home for the Holidays week! Mom’s Home-Made Raisin Bread!
I can smell it already!
So one of the traditions in the Jeremy household is making and subsequently eating Mom's home-made raisin bread, from a recipe passed down for generations. It really is quite delicious, and a remarkable pain in the butt to make. This prompts the traditional Christmas Raisin Bread Discussion in which Mom asks if we really need to make it this year, and everyone else looks at her like she has three heads and announces, "Yes." The making of the raisin bread commences, and it's one of the highlights of the entire holiday season. Then on Christmas morning, we all gather around the table to a delicious breakfast of raisin bread and stocking-stuffer Pringles. (Yes, that's actually another tradition...you'd have to be there to understand.)
Awwwwwwwwe.
Bottom line here is that I've enjoyed bringing you this silly theme week, most of which seems a bit ridiculous, but I assure you, every one of the Status Messages has its roots in the truth. Every family has its own little quirks and traditions around this time of year, and I'd like to wish you the happiest of holiday seasons with all of them.
Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out of the Office starting tomorrow and returning January 5, when the Blag you know and love returns with a whole new year of Sametime Status Goodness.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
On the Fourth Day of Theme Week...
Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Home for the Holidays week! Timing how long after Christmas Dinner it takes for that one uncle to announce that he has to "Go drop a Yule Log"
It just wouldn't be Christmas if this didn't happen.
Of course! Christmas Dinner is one of the perks of being Home for the Holidays, and what's a Christmas Dinner without a family member saying something disturbing during dessert? It's probably much like Christmas cookies without those peanut butter ones with the Hershey Kiss stuck in the middle. It's completely unnatural! What do I have to do to get one of those cookies right now? Anybody?
While Jeremy's off on his quest to find cookies, the rest of you should enjoy the following video about Santa during a time of global recession:
It just wouldn't be Christmas if this didn't happen.
Of course! Christmas Dinner is one of the perks of being Home for the Holidays, and what's a Christmas Dinner without a family member saying something disturbing during dessert? It's probably much like Christmas cookies without those peanut butter ones with the Hershey Kiss stuck in the middle. It's completely unnatural! What do I have to do to get one of those cookies right now? Anybody?
While Jeremy's off on his quest to find cookies, the rest of you should enjoy the following video about Santa during a time of global recession:
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
On the Third Day of Theme Week...
Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Home for the Holidays week! Frantically trying to decide which color Lexus would make the best gift
Here's a hint. It's silver.
This is the time of year where we get to constantly hear those words that are the bane of our collective existence...say it with me now..."Makes a Great Gift". According to the people who sell these things, the following items make great gifts: Lottery Tickets, Chia Pets, Mighty Putty, Ronco Electric Food Dehydrators (the gift of health), gym memberships, soap, vacuum cleaners, plastic lids, foot files (so disgusting, I can only wish I was making it up), singing fish, the Time Life "Malt Shop Memories" CD collection, suction cups with hooks, the "Iron Gym" and of course, luxury cars. By the way...did you know that the same people who make Chia Pets are also responsible for "The Clapper"?
I guess the main point I'm making here is that as much as I care about every member of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, I won't be buying any of you a car this holiday season. Yes, I know now is apparently the perfect time to buy a Toyota, Cadillac, Lexus, Pontiac or BMW as a great gift idea(so say the commercials), but the fact remains we're in a recession, so don't get your hopes up.
So you're going to weasel out of getting everybody nice presents this year? How do you sleep at night?
Funny you should ask. I sleep quite well at night knowing that I have a morally clean slate.
Story time!
This past weekend, I received a strange letter in the mail that had a nickel showing through a window in the envelope. The envelope said "THIS NICKEL CAN SAVE A LIFE" with a big ol' arrow pointing to the window. Curious as to how this could be, I opened the letter, and the secrets were revealed to me. Apparently, all I had to do was return the nickel to the sender along with my gift of $60 or more to a charity searching for a cure for blood-borne cancers, and I will have saved a life...potentially.
So, what the sender was actually telling me is that one nickel wouldn't exactly save a life...but 1201 nickels might, and they got me well on my way to providing that. Strictly speaking, they got me 0.08% of the way there. They just needed my help to get them over the hump.
As much as I dislike cancer, and would like to save somebody's life, I wasn't going to be coerced into sending $60 to a charity simply because they randomly sent me a nickel, and also I can't in good conscience donate money to any disease-curing charity that doesn't exclusively work with Bird Flu. However, I was left with the conundrum of what to do with the nickel. I just didn't feel right keeping it, and it would be a waste to throw it away with the rest of the letter.
I solicited a couple opinions from members of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, and the initial consensus opinion was to drop the nickel into a Salvation Army bucket. This is a fine idea, except for the fact that I would feel even more morally bankrupt by putting ONLY a nickel into the drum. (Yes, I know that's now the song goes, but it just wouldn't feel right) If I were to pursue this method of spiritual cleansing, it would still cost me additional money, as I would undoubtedly add my own money to the drum in addition to the nickel.
Loyal reader Jim came up with an alternative. There is a water fountain inside the little strip mall not far from where I live. People chuck coins in fountains all the time, wishing for wholesome things, and the money is all collected and donated to worthwhile charities. Seeking my morally clean slate, I made a special trip to the plaza, went inside, found the fountain, wished for something wholesome (I can't tell you what it was or else it won't happen), flipped the nickel into the water with a strangely satisfying "Ploop" sound, and left.
Here's a hint. It's silver.
This is the time of year where we get to constantly hear those words that are the bane of our collective existence...say it with me now..."Makes a Great Gift". According to the people who sell these things, the following items make great gifts: Lottery Tickets, Chia Pets, Mighty Putty, Ronco Electric Food Dehydrators (the gift of health), gym memberships, soap, vacuum cleaners, plastic lids, foot files (so disgusting, I can only wish I was making it up), singing fish, the Time Life "Malt Shop Memories" CD collection, suction cups with hooks, the "Iron Gym" and of course, luxury cars. By the way...did you know that the same people who make Chia Pets are also responsible for "The Clapper"?
I guess the main point I'm making here is that as much as I care about every member of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, I won't be buying any of you a car this holiday season. Yes, I know now is apparently the perfect time to buy a Toyota, Cadillac, Lexus, Pontiac or BMW as a great gift idea(so say the commercials), but the fact remains we're in a recession, so don't get your hopes up.
So you're going to weasel out of getting everybody nice presents this year? How do you sleep at night?
Funny you should ask. I sleep quite well at night knowing that I have a morally clean slate.
Story time!
This past weekend, I received a strange letter in the mail that had a nickel showing through a window in the envelope. The envelope said "THIS NICKEL CAN SAVE A LIFE" with a big ol' arrow pointing to the window. Curious as to how this could be, I opened the letter, and the secrets were revealed to me. Apparently, all I had to do was return the nickel to the sender along with my gift of $60 or more to a charity searching for a cure for blood-borne cancers, and I will have saved a life...potentially.
So, what the sender was actually telling me is that one nickel wouldn't exactly save a life...but 1201 nickels might, and they got me well on my way to providing that. Strictly speaking, they got me 0.08% of the way there. They just needed my help to get them over the hump.
As much as I dislike cancer, and would like to save somebody's life, I wasn't going to be coerced into sending $60 to a charity simply because they randomly sent me a nickel, and also I can't in good conscience donate money to any disease-curing charity that doesn't exclusively work with Bird Flu. However, I was left with the conundrum of what to do with the nickel. I just didn't feel right keeping it, and it would be a waste to throw it away with the rest of the letter.
I solicited a couple opinions from members of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, and the initial consensus opinion was to drop the nickel into a Salvation Army bucket. This is a fine idea, except for the fact that I would feel even more morally bankrupt by putting ONLY a nickel into the drum. (Yes, I know that's now the song goes, but it just wouldn't feel right) If I were to pursue this method of spiritual cleansing, it would still cost me additional money, as I would undoubtedly add my own money to the drum in addition to the nickel.
Loyal reader Jim came up with an alternative. There is a water fountain inside the little strip mall not far from where I live. People chuck coins in fountains all the time, wishing for wholesome things, and the money is all collected and donated to worthwhile charities. Seeking my morally clean slate, I made a special trip to the plaza, went inside, found the fountain, wished for something wholesome (I can't tell you what it was or else it won't happen), flipped the nickel into the water with a strangely satisfying "Ploop" sound, and left.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
On the Second Day of Theme Week...
Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Home for the Holidays week! Putting up the family tree, hanging up the family lights, and blowing up the giant family inflatable Santa-on-a-Motorcycle
Ahhh....nothing says Christmas like Santa riding a chopper.
It's really the only thing preventing me from having a down-home Christmas at the moment. I strung up the lights (Okay, technically, I shoved two big floodlights in the ground and they splatter red and green light on the place, but it's close enough), and I put up the tree. I haven't seen clear to plugging in a gaudy monstrosity of an inflatable thing. There are lots of them available now...Santas, Reindeer, Snow-persons, Elves, Snow-Globes...and now, apparently, Santa on a Motorcycle.
Every red-blooded American needs one. If you don't inflate a Santa on a Motorcycle, the terrorists win.
I think for 4th of July, I should come out with my own line of lawn inflatables. Think about it...inflatable American Flags, Statues of Liberty, Washington Monuments (okay, maybe not the best idea), and Charlton Heston's. It's going to be remarkably lucrative. Anyone else have any ideas for holiday-themed inflatables?
Ahhh....nothing says Christmas like Santa riding a chopper.
It's really the only thing preventing me from having a down-home Christmas at the moment. I strung up the lights (Okay, technically, I shoved two big floodlights in the ground and they splatter red and green light on the place, but it's close enough), and I put up the tree. I haven't seen clear to plugging in a gaudy monstrosity of an inflatable thing. There are lots of them available now...Santas, Reindeer, Snow-persons, Elves, Snow-Globes...and now, apparently, Santa on a Motorcycle.
Every red-blooded American needs one. If you don't inflate a Santa on a Motorcycle, the terrorists win.
I think for 4th of July, I should come out with my own line of lawn inflatables. Think about it...inflatable American Flags, Statues of Liberty, Washington Monuments (okay, maybe not the best idea), and Charlton Heston's. It's going to be remarkably lucrative. Anyone else have any ideas for holiday-themed inflatables?
Monday, December 15, 2008
On the First Day of Theme Week...
Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Home for the Holidays week! Family Cringe Time as the Peanuts Gang fails to find the key in “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.”
Since the holiday season is upon us once again, Jeremy's Sametime Status, and the parent company Miracle Posting, Inc would like to remind you to enjoy time with friends and family over the coming weeks. To that end, this week's Sametime Statuses will consist of fun and family-oriented things to do while you enjoy the holidays. Today's begins with the time-honoured tradition of sitting on the couch with your mug of hot chocolate watching remarkably old Christmas Specials, such as "A Charlie Brown Christmas."
That's right...the Peanuts Christmas special is an ageless wonder of aluminum trees and grade school pageants put on with no adult supervision. Along with all of this comes the Christmas Miracle of a herd of young children spontaneously breaking out into a "LoooooLoooooLooooo" version of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing". Don't know about your neighborhood, but that never happens around here.
Unfortunately, the kids are ferociously bad singers, and despite the joy of the holidays, it's really best to hit the Mute button before they get to the "With the heavenly hosts proclaim" line, as evidenced at the 9:05 mark of the following video.
As a special bonus to all you loyal Blag Readers today, I simply could not pass up the opportunity to share the following video with you. Of course, as of this posting, you can simply go to Youtube and do a search for "throws shoe at Bush" and get 1020 videos to choose from. Here's Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zaidi throwing his shoes at President Bush. The New York Yankees have reportedly offered him a 5-year contract worth just over $93 Million.
Since the holiday season is upon us once again, Jeremy's Sametime Status, and the parent company Miracle Posting, Inc would like to remind you to enjoy time with friends and family over the coming weeks. To that end, this week's Sametime Statuses will consist of fun and family-oriented things to do while you enjoy the holidays. Today's begins with the time-honoured tradition of sitting on the couch with your mug of hot chocolate watching remarkably old Christmas Specials, such as "A Charlie Brown Christmas."
That's right...the Peanuts Christmas special is an ageless wonder of aluminum trees and grade school pageants put on with no adult supervision. Along with all of this comes the Christmas Miracle of a herd of young children spontaneously breaking out into a "LoooooLoooooLooooo" version of "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing". Don't know about your neighborhood, but that never happens around here.
Unfortunately, the kids are ferociously bad singers, and despite the joy of the holidays, it's really best to hit the Mute button before they get to the "With the heavenly hosts proclaim" line, as evidenced at the 9:05 mark of the following video.
As a special bonus to all you loyal Blag Readers today, I simply could not pass up the opportunity to share the following video with you. Of course, as of this posting, you can simply go to Youtube and do a search for "throws shoe at Bush" and get 1020 videos to choose from. Here's Iraqi journalist Muntadhar al-Zaidi throwing his shoes at President Bush. The New York Yankees have reportedly offered him a 5-year contract worth just over $93 Million.
Friday, December 12, 2008
Just take my word for this one
Never sneeze with a mouth full of chili.
Uhm...
So moving right along, looks like we have some weather-related closings today. That's interesting, right?
So is this the voice of experience talking here?
Let's just say that I'm simply offering advice...and if you choose not to follow it, there are various repercussions, some of which are remarkably painful, that you may or may not think of in advance.
Repercussions?
Okay, seriously...let's just leave it at that, shall we? Here's somebody having WAY too much fun with a front-loader.
Uhm...
So moving right along, looks like we have some weather-related closings today. That's interesting, right?
So is this the voice of experience talking here?
Let's just say that I'm simply offering advice...and if you choose not to follow it, there are various repercussions, some of which are remarkably painful, that you may or may not think of in advance.
Repercussions?
Okay, seriously...let's just leave it at that, shall we? Here's somebody having WAY too much fun with a front-loader.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
A very sad day indeed
Hong Kong’s vaccine against Bird Flu has failed. I fear for all humanity.
We interrupt our usual "Office" Sametime Status to bring you this important news update.
As you may (or should) know, Hong Kong has recently confirmed the newest outbreak of the deadly H5N1 virus, more commonly known as Avian Influenza...or...Bird Flu.
Latest indications are that the outbreak is due to Egg Smuggling in an attempt to circumnavigate government controls put in place to prevent this very type of pandemic. That's right...it seems clear that people are ACTIVELY trying to spread Bird Flu for profit.
Whatever the reason for this recent outbreak, Time Magazine reports a much more troubling side of this story. Chickens in the affected farms are being infected by the Virus despite Being Vaccinated Against H5N1. Our best efforts to combat this disease are failing, and thousands of innocent chickens are paying the price for our greed and overconfidence. How much longer before it becomes the global human pandemic we all fear?
Bonus Addendum:
Sorry, everybody....I nearly forgot to include this helpful website put together by the World Health Organization. It's a pandemic tracker, which can help you locate outbreaks of Bird Flu in your area.
Bird Flu Virus Tracker
We interrupt our usual "Office" Sametime Status to bring you this important news update.
As you may (or should) know, Hong Kong has recently confirmed the newest outbreak of the deadly H5N1 virus, more commonly known as Avian Influenza...or...Bird Flu.
Latest indications are that the outbreak is due to Egg Smuggling in an attempt to circumnavigate government controls put in place to prevent this very type of pandemic. That's right...it seems clear that people are ACTIVELY trying to spread Bird Flu for profit.
Whatever the reason for this recent outbreak, Time Magazine reports a much more troubling side of this story. Chickens in the affected farms are being infected by the Virus despite Being Vaccinated Against H5N1. Our best efforts to combat this disease are failing, and thousands of innocent chickens are paying the price for our greed and overconfidence. How much longer before it becomes the global human pandemic we all fear?
Bonus Addendum:
Sorry, everybody....I nearly forgot to include this helpful website put together by the World Health Organization. It's a pandemic tracker, which can help you locate outbreaks of Bird Flu in your area.
Bird Flu Virus Tracker
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Take evasive action! SERPENTINE!!!
The Toaster shot at me!
It was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm just surprised the Toaster did it first.
You all remember The Famed Toaster of Hades, right? Well, it struck again yesterday in a vicious and unwarranted attack on me. Apparently sick of being the brunt of blag comments about evil toasters, though not necessarily all things Evil, the Toaster declared war yesterday, firing off the first of what is sure to be many volleys in a long and bloody feud.
You should fight back with a butter knife...Darwin says that's an effective attack.
You may or may not know that I'm fond of "Everything" Bagels that have seeds and onions and salts and other junk on top. Well, yesterday, I put my bagel in The Toaster in a seemingly normal fashion...and as my bagel descended into the glowing bowels, one of the sesame seeds exploded and fired out at me at great speed. The thing almost stuck to my shirt!
The horror. Another foot and a half up and you might have had something stuck in your eye for a couple seconds.
Exactly! This brazen act can not stand without retribution! I think tomorrow I'm going to break one of the rules just to spite The Toaster. I'm going to toast a buttered bagel!! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!! Victory will be mine!!!!!
It was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm just surprised the Toaster did it first.
You all remember The Famed Toaster of Hades, right? Well, it struck again yesterday in a vicious and unwarranted attack on me. Apparently sick of being the brunt of blag comments about evil toasters, though not necessarily all things Evil, the Toaster declared war yesterday, firing off the first of what is sure to be many volleys in a long and bloody feud.
You should fight back with a butter knife...Darwin says that's an effective attack.
You may or may not know that I'm fond of "Everything" Bagels that have seeds and onions and salts and other junk on top. Well, yesterday, I put my bagel in The Toaster in a seemingly normal fashion...and as my bagel descended into the glowing bowels, one of the sesame seeds exploded and fired out at me at great speed. The thing almost stuck to my shirt!
The horror. Another foot and a half up and you might have had something stuck in your eye for a couple seconds.
Exactly! This brazen act can not stand without retribution! I think tomorrow I'm going to break one of the rules just to spite The Toaster. I'm going to toast a buttered bagel!! HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!! Victory will be mine!!!!!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Wheeeeeeeeeeee!
Next time you're in France, get in a car with a sunroof, stick your head out and yell "WHEEEEEE!" The French people will think you're yelling "Yes" instead of being a colossal dork.
Oui Oui. C'est un bon statut de Sametime.
I agree. It's based on an actual Sametime conversation I had with a co-worker not long ago. Personally, I think it's a great idea.
J'essaye toujours de ne pas ressembler à un débile dans un pays étranger
That does seem like the best way to go.
écrous à ceci. Je vais manger du pain grillé
Sounds good to me.
Oui Oui. C'est un bon statut de Sametime.
I agree. It's based on an actual Sametime conversation I had with a co-worker not long ago. Personally, I think it's a great idea.
J'essaye toujours de ne pas ressembler à un débile dans un pays étranger
That does seem like the best way to go.
écrous à ceci. Je vais manger du pain grillé
Sounds good to me.
Monday, December 8, 2008
It's going to be a slamming good time.
Tonight is the big awards show for Pro Wrestlers. I’m actually not making that up.
Pro Wrestling has an awards show?
That's right, kids...tune in tonight to watch all your favourite wrestlers...standing around congratulating themselves on a job well done. I'm assuming there will be a match or two thrown in for good measure, but what's really important is that we celebrate their pretend achievements.
You mean wrestling is fake?
Granted...pro wrestling is not "Fake" as such...if a 7-foot tall guy picks you up over his head and throws you onto the floor, you really do fall, and it's going to hurt...but the basic concepts of wrestling are scripted in advance. Therefore, when the wrestling promoter gives out the award for "Superstar Of The Year" and "Tag Team Of The Year" it's based entirely on previously scripted matches as decided upon by the exact same promoter. He's basically giving an award to the wrestlers to whom he already decided to award the best matches and storylines. It's an extra level of fakeness on top of the faked fakeness. It's like the candles on top of the icing on the cake of fake.
But who else is going to give awards to the wrestlers?
Well, therein lies the rub. Pro wrestling is not the height of television. Sure, it makes billions of dollars, but it really can't be called "Good" TV. That's why you don't see pro wrestling shows winning Emmy awards, or wrestlers winning Oscars. Pro wrestling is also extremely thinly represented in other awards shows such as the MTV music awards, the American Music Awards, Grammy's, People's Choice Awards, Teen Choice Awards, Kid's Choice Awards, American Film Institute Awards, The National Society of Film Critic's Awards, The New York Film Critics Circle Awards, the MTV Movie Awards, the Essence Awards, the Daytime Emmy Awards, the Tony Awards, the Juno Awards, the Academy of Country Music Awards, the Inspirational Country Music Awards, the "A-List" Awards.
In an extra slap in the face, I discovered that one of the nominees for this year's Emmy Award for Outstanding Directing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy Program was THIS YEAR's OSCAR AWARDS!!!
I guess the point here is that awards shows suck. People stand around and congratulate themselves on a job well done. Well...in that same tradition, I'd like to announce that next year, I'll be running a Theme Week Awards Show called the "Jeremy Is In The Office Awards." It will feature various members of the media, entertainment, sports, pop culture, I'll probably give an award to myself, and most likely culminate with the award for "Member Of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World Of The Year."
I'll accept nominees now through...well...sometime before the ceremony. Good luck everybody!
Pro Wrestling has an awards show?
That's right, kids...tune in tonight to watch all your favourite wrestlers...standing around congratulating themselves on a job well done. I'm assuming there will be a match or two thrown in for good measure, but what's really important is that we celebrate their pretend achievements.
You mean wrestling is fake?
Granted...pro wrestling is not "Fake" as such...if a 7-foot tall guy picks you up over his head and throws you onto the floor, you really do fall, and it's going to hurt...but the basic concepts of wrestling are scripted in advance. Therefore, when the wrestling promoter gives out the award for "Superstar Of The Year" and "Tag Team Of The Year" it's based entirely on previously scripted matches as decided upon by the exact same promoter. He's basically giving an award to the wrestlers to whom he already decided to award the best matches and storylines. It's an extra level of fakeness on top of the faked fakeness. It's like the candles on top of the icing on the cake of fake.
But who else is going to give awards to the wrestlers?
Well, therein lies the rub. Pro wrestling is not the height of television. Sure, it makes billions of dollars, but it really can't be called "Good" TV. That's why you don't see pro wrestling shows winning Emmy awards, or wrestlers winning Oscars. Pro wrestling is also extremely thinly represented in other awards shows such as the MTV music awards, the American Music Awards, Grammy's, People's Choice Awards, Teen Choice Awards, Kid's Choice Awards, American Film Institute Awards, The National Society of Film Critic's Awards, The New York Film Critics Circle Awards, the MTV Movie Awards, the Essence Awards, the Daytime Emmy Awards, the Tony Awards, the Juno Awards, the Academy of Country Music Awards, the Inspirational Country Music Awards, the "A-List" Awards.
In an extra slap in the face, I discovered that one of the nominees for this year's Emmy Award for Outstanding Directing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy Program was THIS YEAR's OSCAR AWARDS!!!
I guess the point here is that awards shows suck. People stand around and congratulate themselves on a job well done. Well...in that same tradition, I'd like to announce that next year, I'll be running a Theme Week Awards Show called the "Jeremy Is In The Office Awards." It will feature various members of the media, entertainment, sports, pop culture, I'll probably give an award to myself, and most likely culminate with the award for "Member Of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World Of The Year."
I'll accept nominees now through...well...sometime before the ceremony. Good luck everybody!
Friday, December 5, 2008
Second-Cousin-Once-Removed of Rhetorical Friday
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard, "If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard..."...
Wow...an actually original phrase for Rhetorical Friday? Are you feeling okay?
This whole thought came about not long ago, while visiting a new baby that I'm not related to in any way who will grow up knowing me as "Crazy Uncle Jeremy." For the purposes of the Blag, let's call her "Emma."
"Emma"'s mother made a comment at one point during my visit that won't be quoted here because it's at least mildly inappropriate, but suffice to say it was pretty amusing both in and out of context. This caused me to reply, "If I had a nickel for every time I've heard THAT..."
Not altogether uncommon, really.
Exactly. However, upon further examination of the quote any my response by all parties involved, I came to realize that if I did actually have a nickel for every time I'd heard that particular phrase (or a slight variation thereof...I don't remember exactly), I would have precisely 10 cents. That and a dollar fifty will buy me a cup of coffee up at the adorably tiny cafeteria thing at work.
Is this story much longer? I'd like to get up there for a bagel...
I was left with the sullen realization that either the world is growing more immune to sarcasm, or cliche's themselves are becoming cliche. Maybe I just said the "If I had a nickel" phrase simply because that's what I'm supposed to say in that particular instance. Perhaps people have become accustomed to reading quotes online in faceless automatonic blags, and thus are less prone to sarcasm recognition. Or maybe I just really need to hear that phrase more often...I think that's the best solution!
Wow...an actually original phrase for Rhetorical Friday? Are you feeling okay?
This whole thought came about not long ago, while visiting a new baby that I'm not related to in any way who will grow up knowing me as "Crazy Uncle Jeremy." For the purposes of the Blag, let's call her "Emma."
"Emma"'s mother made a comment at one point during my visit that won't be quoted here because it's at least mildly inappropriate, but suffice to say it was pretty amusing both in and out of context. This caused me to reply, "If I had a nickel for every time I've heard THAT..."
Not altogether uncommon, really.
Exactly. However, upon further examination of the quote any my response by all parties involved, I came to realize that if I did actually have a nickel for every time I'd heard that particular phrase (or a slight variation thereof...I don't remember exactly), I would have precisely 10 cents. That and a dollar fifty will buy me a cup of coffee up at the adorably tiny cafeteria thing at work.
Is this story much longer? I'd like to get up there for a bagel...
I was left with the sullen realization that either the world is growing more immune to sarcasm, or cliche's themselves are becoming cliche. Maybe I just said the "If I had a nickel" phrase simply because that's what I'm supposed to say in that particular instance. Perhaps people have become accustomed to reading quotes online in faceless automatonic blags, and thus are less prone to sarcasm recognition. Or maybe I just really need to hear that phrase more often...I think that's the best solution!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
He's actually a nice guy
"I tried. I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend, but that is like trying to be friends with an evil...snail. I feel like I'm dying inside." Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin
Poor Toby...Michael's always getting on his case.
Yeah, Toby came back to Scranton last week, much to Michael's dismay. Hilarity ensued, as always.
This week, somehow the branch ends up with a budget surplus (I wonder what that's like), and the workers try to decide how best to spend it.
In other news....please tell me there's other news.
At one point, I may have been inspired to put some interesting Christmas lights up around the house...but that inspiration went out the window a little while back when that online video went around showing the house with a massive light show all synced up to "Wizards in Winter." While that may have driven me to give up on the whole thing, it only served as a challenge to somebody else, who produced this display. Instead of good music, it uses a horrific techno remix of Amazing Grace, but the light show is incredible. Enjoy!
Poor Toby...Michael's always getting on his case.
Yeah, Toby came back to Scranton last week, much to Michael's dismay. Hilarity ensued, as always.
This week, somehow the branch ends up with a budget surplus (I wonder what that's like), and the workers try to decide how best to spend it.
In other news....please tell me there's other news.
At one point, I may have been inspired to put some interesting Christmas lights up around the house...but that inspiration went out the window a little while back when that online video went around showing the house with a massive light show all synced up to "Wizards in Winter." While that may have driven me to give up on the whole thing, it only served as a challenge to somebody else, who produced this display. Instead of good music, it uses a horrific techno remix of Amazing Grace, but the light show is incredible. Enjoy!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
It's in the near future
Oh X-Mas Tree, Oh X-Mas Tree - Bee Boo Bee Boo Bah Bee Bo
Only 22 more shopping days before Christmas.
Indeed. Or, if you're in the year 3000, X-Mas. Saying "Christmas" is using an archaic pronunciation akin to saying "Ask" instead of "Aks."
Futurama reference...nice.
Todays Sametime Status is a Futurama reference in itself. It consists of the lyrics to Bender's tree-decorating song...which I was unable to find online anywhere to share with you. This is unfortunate, because I find it endlessly amusing.
The reason for bringing up X-Mas today is because last night, I put up my brand new X-Mas tree. It was really quite exciting, and a little dizzying while walking in circles around the thing to string up 700 lights.
What's important to note is that it's a fake tree. There's no stigma attached to fake trees anymore, since they're more environmentally conscious or something. Fake trees are measured by the number of "Tips" they have, and the more tips on the tree, the less it looks like a fake tree...a very simple mathematical relationship. What they don't tell you is when they pack the tree (and probably every year thereafter when you pack it back into the box), all of the tips fold up together and you have to spend time spreading them out in assorted directions to fill up any gaps. This is important to note because in a very similar mathematical relationship, the more tips your tree has, the longer it takes to go through this "fluffing" process. Combine that with fake pine needles poking you in the knuckles, and you come up with a brand new theorem. The more tips your fake X-Mas tree has, the more you feel like leaving it up all year and re-decorating it for the seasons rather than take it down and go through this nonsense next year.
Here's the Futurama gang singing a happy X-Mas song from "Bender's Big Score":
Only 22 more shopping days before Christmas.
Indeed. Or, if you're in the year 3000, X-Mas. Saying "Christmas" is using an archaic pronunciation akin to saying "Ask" instead of "Aks."
Futurama reference...nice.
Todays Sametime Status is a Futurama reference in itself. It consists of the lyrics to Bender's tree-decorating song...which I was unable to find online anywhere to share with you. This is unfortunate, because I find it endlessly amusing.
The reason for bringing up X-Mas today is because last night, I put up my brand new X-Mas tree. It was really quite exciting, and a little dizzying while walking in circles around the thing to string up 700 lights.
What's important to note is that it's a fake tree. There's no stigma attached to fake trees anymore, since they're more environmentally conscious or something. Fake trees are measured by the number of "Tips" they have, and the more tips on the tree, the less it looks like a fake tree...a very simple mathematical relationship. What they don't tell you is when they pack the tree (and probably every year thereafter when you pack it back into the box), all of the tips fold up together and you have to spend time spreading them out in assorted directions to fill up any gaps. This is important to note because in a very similar mathematical relationship, the more tips your tree has, the longer it takes to go through this "fluffing" process. Combine that with fake pine needles poking you in the knuckles, and you come up with a brand new theorem. The more tips your fake X-Mas tree has, the more you feel like leaving it up all year and re-decorating it for the seasons rather than take it down and go through this nonsense next year.
Here's the Futurama gang singing a happy X-Mas song from "Bender's Big Score":
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Probably not for a Klondike Bar, either
It’s pretty safe to say I’m not willing to shoot myself in the leg to get out of work today.
So many wonderful jokes, so little time.
So, last week, New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh in a New York nightclub. I really don't have a joke about that, so here's a funky hockey goal to entertain you:
So many wonderful jokes, so little time.
So, last week, New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress shot himself in the thigh in a New York nightclub. I really don't have a joke about that, so here's a funky hockey goal to entertain you:
Monday, December 1, 2008
That's not what I was saying yesterday, of course...
To everyone else traveling on I-86 yesterday, I give a big, hearty "No Thanks!"
Welcome back, Jeremy! How was Turkey Time?
Very good, thanks. The drive back, however, sucked mightily.
Those I-86 drivers causing issues again, huh?
It was a whimsical combination of stupid drivers and stupid Mother Nature not giving us anything good to work with.
There was an icy bridge that led to a car about 100 yards behind me spinning around at least 2 full rotations before hitting the guard rail, snow in the first 3 hours of the trip that left at least a dozen cars off the road and caused an accident which made me sit in traffic for 45 minutes, then an ice storm in the last 2 hours of the trip that led to speeds varying from 70 to 15MPH. The whole thing was just a remarkably frustrating experience. I'm glad it's over and I can get back to writing fun and amusing Sametime Statuses.
Okay, so when are you going to start that?
Maybe tomorrow. We'll see.
Welcome back, Jeremy! How was Turkey Time?
Very good, thanks. The drive back, however, sucked mightily.
Those I-86 drivers causing issues again, huh?
It was a whimsical combination of stupid drivers and stupid Mother Nature not giving us anything good to work with.
There was an icy bridge that led to a car about 100 yards behind me spinning around at least 2 full rotations before hitting the guard rail, snow in the first 3 hours of the trip that left at least a dozen cars off the road and caused an accident which made me sit in traffic for 45 minutes, then an ice storm in the last 2 hours of the trip that led to speeds varying from 70 to 15MPH. The whole thing was just a remarkably frustrating experience. I'm glad it's over and I can get back to writing fun and amusing Sametime Statuses.
Okay, so when are you going to start that?
Maybe tomorrow. We'll see.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Not going to waste a good Blag post either
I’d rather not spend a good Sametime Status on the 3 people working today.
Happy Thanksgiving from "Jeremy Is In The Office"!
So it's finally Thanksgiving, the time when we celebrate pilgrims and turkeys. Or, for the Canadians among the Most Intelligent Readership In The World, we celebrate Martin Frobisher failing to find the Northwest Passage. I'm actually not making that up.
So folks, take the rest of the week off from Blag Reading, enjoy the mashed potatoes, football and Tryptophan hangover, then come back on monday ready to finish up the year with the Sametime Statusey goodness you've come to expect.
Happy Thanksgiving from "Jeremy Is In The Office"!
So it's finally Thanksgiving, the time when we celebrate pilgrims and turkeys. Or, for the Canadians among the Most Intelligent Readership In The World, we celebrate Martin Frobisher failing to find the Northwest Passage. I'm actually not making that up.
So folks, take the rest of the week off from Blag Reading, enjoy the mashed potatoes, football and Tryptophan hangover, then come back on monday ready to finish up the year with the Sametime Statusey goodness you've come to expect.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Password Day, Part 197585
It’s Password Day! My email password is no longer s1llym0nk3y.
Awwe...who doesn't love monkeys?
Me, for one.
Traumatized by a childhood poo-flinging incident?
Nope. I have nothing against monkeys, per se...I just generally speaking don't find them amusing. Back in grade school, you get to read lots and lots of references to zoos and circuses (Circii?) in text books. Most of them refer to how people's favourite part of the aforementioned zoo or circus is the monkeys. I never understood that. These experiences left me with an overly optimistic expectation of monkeys when I did go to the zoo...and invariably, they'd let me down. Stupid monkeys.
They didn't jump around enough for you?
Most of the time, they didn't do anything for me. People would have to explain to me that the tire was in the monkey pen for them to play with, since it was just sitting there not being played with. The trees were for the monkeys to swing around and be silly with...but when I saw them, they'd just be sitting around staring back at me.
You're pretty bad at making up childhood trauma stories, you know?
Also, the friggin' Polar Bear was never swimming.
Awwe...who doesn't love monkeys?
Me, for one.
Traumatized by a childhood poo-flinging incident?
Nope. I have nothing against monkeys, per se...I just generally speaking don't find them amusing. Back in grade school, you get to read lots and lots of references to zoos and circuses (Circii?) in text books. Most of them refer to how people's favourite part of the aforementioned zoo or circus is the monkeys. I never understood that. These experiences left me with an overly optimistic expectation of monkeys when I did go to the zoo...and invariably, they'd let me down. Stupid monkeys.
They didn't jump around enough for you?
Most of the time, they didn't do anything for me. People would have to explain to me that the tire was in the monkey pen for them to play with, since it was just sitting there not being played with. The trees were for the monkeys to swing around and be silly with...but when I saw them, they'd just be sitting around staring back at me.
You're pretty bad at making up childhood trauma stories, you know?
Also, the friggin' Polar Bear was never swimming.
Friday, November 21, 2008
I told him I was going to do this.
Pay up, Anonymous Co-Worker!!!
Yeah, you anonymous co-worker...where's Jeremy's money? Wait....it's not me is it?
Maybe it is. So, to that anonymous co-worker out there who owes me money from lunch yesterday...you know who you are...fork over the dough.
What if some other co-worker isn't sure?
Today's Sametime Status is a blanket message to all of my co-workers that if you owe me money, now would be a time to pay it back. If you're a co-worker, and you're not sure if you're indebted to me or not...better to be safe than sorry, right?
I'm not even sure at this point if anybody should be doing this...but good luck with it.
Yeah, you anonymous co-worker...where's Jeremy's money? Wait....it's not me is it?
Maybe it is. So, to that anonymous co-worker out there who owes me money from lunch yesterday...you know who you are...fork over the dough.
What if some other co-worker isn't sure?
Today's Sametime Status is a blanket message to all of my co-workers that if you owe me money, now would be a time to pay it back. If you're a co-worker, and you're not sure if you're indebted to me or not...better to be safe than sorry, right?
I'm not even sure at this point if anybody should be doing this...but good luck with it.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
The measurement systems...
I have always been intrigued by international things: the women, the pancakes, the Man of Mystery. Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin
Ah, that nutty Michael Scott's at it again.
He certainly is...and tonight, loyal readers, is the night we've all been waiting for. Toby returns to Scranton!!!
Woohoo! Toby!
Let's celebrate the only way we know how...by watching bears playing hockey!!!
Ah, that nutty Michael Scott's at it again.
He certainly is...and tonight, loyal readers, is the night we've all been waiting for. Toby returns to Scranton!!!
Woohoo! Toby!
Let's celebrate the only way we know how...by watching bears playing hockey!!!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Sit...Stay
In a bit of Revisionist History, Ubu had to be put down after attacking the mailman.
This is horrifying. I will have no part in this.
We all know Ubu, the lovable Frisbee-playing scamp of a chocolate lab who popped up at the end of our favourite sitcoms in the 90s:
What you may not know is the more tragic tale of Ubu's puppyhood fame and subsequent downward spiral due to an alleged catnip addiction. The end came in an unfortunate series of events, as our hero was going through what one might describe as withdrawal symptoms, and the mailman was more ornery than usual...it was Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Day. The ensuing scuffle cost the mailman the use of his left pinky, and poor Ubu his life.
I'll prepare the court papers...
Here's a fun bit of trivia. The voice you hear in the above video is in fact not Ubu.
Your use of the word "fact" is troubling.
The bark is actually supplied by famous voice-actor Phydeaux LeBlanc, a Golden Retriever from Quebec most renowned for his performance on that Christmas Barking Dogs CD you see on Infomercials around the holidays.
This is horrifying. I will have no part in this.
We all know Ubu, the lovable Frisbee-playing scamp of a chocolate lab who popped up at the end of our favourite sitcoms in the 90s:
What you may not know is the more tragic tale of Ubu's puppyhood fame and subsequent downward spiral due to an alleged catnip addiction. The end came in an unfortunate series of events, as our hero was going through what one might describe as withdrawal symptoms, and the mailman was more ornery than usual...it was Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Day. The ensuing scuffle cost the mailman the use of his left pinky, and poor Ubu his life.
I'll prepare the court papers...
Here's a fun bit of trivia. The voice you hear in the above video is in fact not Ubu.
Your use of the word "fact" is troubling.
The bark is actually supplied by famous voice-actor Phydeaux LeBlanc, a Golden Retriever from Quebec most renowned for his performance on that Christmas Barking Dogs CD you see on Infomercials around the holidays.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Today's post goes right down the pan...
Auto-Flushing Commodes. The Newest Advance in Sanitation Technology, or a Cutthroat Self-Fulfilling Business Prophecy? Discuss.
Clearly, having self-flushing facilities merely serves to increase the cleanliness. Sometimes there are inconsiderate people who don't take the half a second to flush and just leave by-products sitting around in an un-sanitary fashion. Having these things taken care of automatically can only serve to better the area.
From the business side, some company, let's call it "Sanicorp" created the auto-flushing mechanism, and installed it in a handful of facilities. Yes, the sanitation level went up a bit, but it also brings out the laziness in people. In typical fashion, people get a sense of entitlement, and now grow to expect the john to be flushed for them and get into the habit of just walking away and leaving the cleaning up to science. At this point, the facilities with the auto-flushers maintain an expected level of cleanliness, while the ones without begin to suffer, as the following chart clearly shows:
Where did you get that data?
What's important to note is that facilities owners will see this same data and come to the inescapable conclusion that the only way to properly maintain clean facilities is to install the auto-flushing mechanism, forcing them to purchase more of "Sanicorp's" product.
Clearly, having self-flushing facilities merely serves to increase the cleanliness. Sometimes there are inconsiderate people who don't take the half a second to flush and just leave by-products sitting around in an un-sanitary fashion. Having these things taken care of automatically can only serve to better the area.
From the business side, some company, let's call it "Sanicorp" created the auto-flushing mechanism, and installed it in a handful of facilities. Yes, the sanitation level went up a bit, but it also brings out the laziness in people. In typical fashion, people get a sense of entitlement, and now grow to expect the john to be flushed for them and get into the habit of just walking away and leaving the cleaning up to science. At this point, the facilities with the auto-flushers maintain an expected level of cleanliness, while the ones without begin to suffer, as the following chart clearly shows:
Where did you get that data?
What's important to note is that facilities owners will see this same data and come to the inescapable conclusion that the only way to properly maintain clean facilities is to install the auto-flushing mechanism, forcing them to purchase more of "Sanicorp's" product.
Friday, November 14, 2008
For the record, I didn't hear any honking
Stupid Bumper Sticker of the Day: Honk If You’ve Got A Badonk-A-Donk
That's pretty bad...why would anyone have that?
Apparently, they only like to hear people honking if they have large butts. I wish I had an explanation for this, but a relationship between rear end size and driving ability completely escapes me.
You can see the road better if you're sitting higher...
It's probably not a coincidence that this Mensa-level sticker was on the same bumper as a New York Yankees sticker.
That's pretty bad...why would anyone have that?
Apparently, they only like to hear people honking if they have large butts. I wish I had an explanation for this, but a relationship between rear end size and driving ability completely escapes me.
You can see the road better if you're sitting higher...
It's probably not a coincidence that this Mensa-level sticker was on the same bumper as a New York Yankees sticker.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Home used to be where you hung your hat, but nobody hangs hats anymore.
I just don't want my employees thinking their jobs depend on performance. I mean, what kind of place is that to call home? Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin
Alright! Office tonight! When is Toby coming back?
I'm not sure, but I hope it's soon. Now that Holly's been transferred, our friends don't have an HR rep anymore.
So about yesterday's thing?
I've decided to hold the game over until tomorrow to let people come up with a few more words. People should have the opportunity to catch Lightning in a bottle and provide everyone else with Glimpses into their brilliance. So keep thinking of those words and keep the emails, Blag comments and IM's Pouring in!
In the meantime...here's something cool and nerdy:
Alright! Office tonight! When is Toby coming back?
I'm not sure, but I hope it's soon. Now that Holly's been transferred, our friends don't have an HR rep anymore.
So about yesterday's thing?
I've decided to hold the game over until tomorrow to let people come up with a few more words. People should have the opportunity to catch Lightning in a bottle and provide everyone else with Glimpses into their brilliance. So keep thinking of those words and keep the emails, Blag comments and IM's Pouring in!
In the meantime...here's something cool and nerdy:
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Interactive Status!
If A=1, B=2, C=3...Z=26, spell out a word that equals 100.
There are hundreds of them.
That's what makes today's Sametime Status so much fun! You can sit there as you go through your day and come up with new ideas and post them here. Amaze your friends...or random strangers on the Interwebs, as the case may be. The person who comes up with the most words wins the satisfaction of knowing you did your best.
You certainly do your best to come up with great prizes.
This public service brought to you by Jeremy Is In The Office, a wholly owned subsidiary of Miracle Posting, Incorporated.
If it's a good post, it's a Miracle!
There are hundreds of them.
That's what makes today's Sametime Status so much fun! You can sit there as you go through your day and come up with new ideas and post them here. Amaze your friends...or random strangers on the Interwebs, as the case may be. The person who comes up with the most words wins the satisfaction of knowing you did your best.
You certainly do your best to come up with great prizes.
This public service brought to you by Jeremy Is In The Office, a wholly owned subsidiary of Miracle Posting, Incorporated.
If it's a good post, it's a Miracle!
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Stop With Camel Time
As much as I hate Christmas music this time of year, I’m willing to make an exception for "Snoopy vs. The Red Baron."
Well, now that Hallowe'en is over, we're pretty much knee-deep in Christmas time now. Hope you didn't miss planning for Thanksgiving back in June. So who was playing Christmas music?
So the workers in the adorably tiny cafeteria thing at work have an equally adorably tiny CD player that they play during the day. They have a very eclectic mix of tunes they play ranging from Broadway to Big Band to 80's music and even surfer rock. It's all very mild and quite often gets an old song stuck in my head the rest of the morning. The other day, they were playing "Snoopy vs. The Red Baron."
Bold choice.
While Snoopy vs the Red Baron may itself not be Christmas Music, I'm quite familiar with the album, and knew pretty instantly that the final climactic showdown between Snoopy and Manfred von Richthofen occurs on Christmas morning. Spoiler Alert, since we know the real Red Baron was not shot down by a Beagle in a flying doghouse, and because it's a Children's story, neither character gets killed and they fly off their separate ways to continue their saga.
And you know this because...?
I know this because I used to have the record...and it may in fact still exist somewhere.
What's a record?
In hindsight, I probably should have taken a little better care of the record now that I know That It's Selling For $80 On Amazon. Frig.
Is it that good a record?
Absolutely not. The dulcet (read: Dull) tones of The Royal Guardsmen with their formulaic "Let's add drama to the second verse by changing the pitch up by a step" music combine with some of the worst voice acting since "Steamboat Willie" (I actually didn't realize until years later that the guy was supposed to be characterizing different people) to create pure aural crap that must have thrilled my parents to no end when I played it over and over and over and over and over.
But that doesn't matter...it's Snoopy!
Of course, later in life, I downloaded mp3 versions of all of the tracks and continue to enjoy them to this day. To be even more honest...after I heard it playing in the cafeteria, I came back to my office and listened to the entire saga on my computer. Life is good. Who wants some egg nog?
Well, now that Hallowe'en is over, we're pretty much knee-deep in Christmas time now. Hope you didn't miss planning for Thanksgiving back in June. So who was playing Christmas music?
So the workers in the adorably tiny cafeteria thing at work have an equally adorably tiny CD player that they play during the day. They have a very eclectic mix of tunes they play ranging from Broadway to Big Band to 80's music and even surfer rock. It's all very mild and quite often gets an old song stuck in my head the rest of the morning. The other day, they were playing "Snoopy vs. The Red Baron."
Bold choice.
While Snoopy vs the Red Baron may itself not be Christmas Music, I'm quite familiar with the album, and knew pretty instantly that the final climactic showdown between Snoopy and Manfred von Richthofen occurs on Christmas morning. Spoiler Alert, since we know the real Red Baron was not shot down by a Beagle in a flying doghouse, and because it's a Children's story, neither character gets killed and they fly off their separate ways to continue their saga.
And you know this because...?
I know this because I used to have the record...and it may in fact still exist somewhere.
What's a record?
In hindsight, I probably should have taken a little better care of the record now that I know That It's Selling For $80 On Amazon. Frig.
Is it that good a record?
Absolutely not. The dulcet (read: Dull) tones of The Royal Guardsmen with their formulaic "Let's add drama to the second verse by changing the pitch up by a step" music combine with some of the worst voice acting since "Steamboat Willie" (I actually didn't realize until years later that the guy was supposed to be characterizing different people) to create pure aural crap that must have thrilled my parents to no end when I played it over and over and over and over and over.
But that doesn't matter...it's Snoopy!
Of course, later in life, I downloaded mp3 versions of all of the tracks and continue to enjoy them to this day. To be even more honest...after I heard it playing in the cafeteria, I came back to my office and listened to the entire saga on my computer. Life is good. Who wants some egg nog?
Monday, November 10, 2008
It totally blew my mind!
Has anyone else noticed that Speed 6 on a Dremel rotary tool is perfectly in tune with "Re-Education Through Labor" by Rise Against?
Psh...I can't believe you're just NOW noticing this. It's pretty common knowledge.
Be that as it may, I only learned this recently. I was doing some sanding, and had the radio on. "Re-Education Through Labor" comes on, and as I started singing along to "To the rhythm of a time bomb ticking away" I realized that the background vocals for "away" were in the exact same pitch as my rotary. It pleased me to the point that I stopped doing my work to email myself today's Sametime Status.
Nice mention of Time Bombs in the Blag. I'd like to welcome our new "Patriot Act" friends from the FBI to today's post.
It seems only fitting to add the CIA to The Most Intelligent Readership In The World.
Psh...I can't believe you're just NOW noticing this. It's pretty common knowledge.
Be that as it may, I only learned this recently. I was doing some sanding, and had the radio on. "Re-Education Through Labor" comes on, and as I started singing along to "To the rhythm of a time bomb ticking away" I realized that the background vocals for "away" were in the exact same pitch as my rotary. It pleased me to the point that I stopped doing my work to email myself today's Sametime Status.
Nice mention of Time Bombs in the Blag. I'd like to welcome our new "Patriot Act" friends from the FBI to today's post.
It seems only fitting to add the CIA to The Most Intelligent Readership In The World.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Good Morning!!
Nothing says “Good Morning” quite like falling down the stairs.
First day with the new feet?
So it would seem that walking down a flight of stairs in a morning stupor while carrying a laptop bag with a hanging shoulder strap should be done cautiously.
It IS Fall, you know...
In fact, I'm not even sure why this hasn't happened before. The potential has been there for quite some time. All you have to do is step on the strap and just like that, you've lost control and are launching yourself down the stairs.
Is there anything I can do to make your trip more comfortable?
Fortunately, I'd left the door at the end of the steps open, so I just took a couple extra steps through there instead of splattering myself all over the door. It probably doesn't say much for me that the first thought I had at the end of this frightening second and a half ordeal was, "Hey...this will make a good Sametime Status!"
First day with the new feet?
So it would seem that walking down a flight of stairs in a morning stupor while carrying a laptop bag with a hanging shoulder strap should be done cautiously.
It IS Fall, you know...
In fact, I'm not even sure why this hasn't happened before. The potential has been there for quite some time. All you have to do is step on the strap and just like that, you've lost control and are launching yourself down the stairs.
Is there anything I can do to make your trip more comfortable?
Fortunately, I'd left the door at the end of the steps open, so I just took a couple extra steps through there instead of splattering myself all over the door. It probably doesn't say much for me that the first thought I had at the end of this frightening second and a half ordeal was, "Hey...this will make a good Sametime Status!"
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Vote Baby!
If a baby were President there would be no taxes, there would be no war, there would be no government, and things could get terrible. It would actually be a better screenplay idea than a suggestion. Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin
Still going on about the election, I see.
I needed an Office quote for tonight, and this Scottism from a recent episode seemed to fit the bill. It started out so innocently and positive...then turned somber...and finally went right back to Michael's dream of being a screenplay writer. I believe the hero secret service agent would be Agent Michael Scarn...played by Michael Scott.
Alright...so that's that. What else is good?
Good is a relative term. There's a relatively new Interwebz meme going around where people rewrite song lyrics to quite literally describe what's happening in the video. Often, they make light of strange locations, clothes, and the art direction of the video. It's not all that amusing, to be perfectly honest...but when somebody Rickrolled the Literal Video concept, I felt it needed to be shared. Enjoy!
Still going on about the election, I see.
I needed an Office quote for tonight, and this Scottism from a recent episode seemed to fit the bill. It started out so innocently and positive...then turned somber...and finally went right back to Michael's dream of being a screenplay writer. I believe the hero secret service agent would be Agent Michael Scarn...played by Michael Scott.
Alright...so that's that. What else is good?
Good is a relative term. There's a relatively new Interwebz meme going around where people rewrite song lyrics to quite literally describe what's happening in the video. Often, they make light of strange locations, clothes, and the art direction of the video. It's not all that amusing, to be perfectly honest...but when somebody Rickrolled the Literal Video concept, I felt it needed to be shared. Enjoy!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
So what's new in the world?
"How would you like it if, at your job, every time you made the slightest mistake a little red light went on over your head and 18,000 people stood up and screamed at you?" - Jacques Plante.
Ahh...the life of an NHL goalie. But seriously...this is the best you've got today?
Well, the entire internetz is most likely going to be flooded with blogizens voicing their opinions on yesterday's news, so if you want to read about that, there should be plenty of sources. Most people come here for mindless drivel and otherwise useless crap.
Fortunately, crap is your specialty.
Exactly! For example...hilarious clips from foreign game shows:
As an additional hockey note, if you happen to work from home, be sure to check out The Price Is Right this morning for a special hockey-themed showcase featuring several members of the Los Angeles Kings.
Ahh...the life of an NHL goalie. But seriously...this is the best you've got today?
Well, the entire internetz is most likely going to be flooded with blogizens voicing their opinions on yesterday's news, so if you want to read about that, there should be plenty of sources. Most people come here for mindless drivel and otherwise useless crap.
Fortunately, crap is your specialty.
Exactly! For example...hilarious clips from foreign game shows:
As an additional hockey note, if you happen to work from home, be sure to check out The Price Is Right this morning for a special hockey-themed showcase featuring several members of the Los Angeles Kings.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Do your civic duty!
Today is your last chance to Vote Jeremy!!!
This is your platform of promising not to run for reelection, right?
Exactly! I don't promise to lower taxes or raise benefits for retired veterans of roadkill removal or protect the country from the lingering threat of Bird Flu. My only campaign promise to you, the voting public, is that I will never call your house during dinner or post millions of ugly plastic signs everywhere, or waste the last year of my administration to get reelected...simply because I'm not going to try to get reelected. I will do my job for whatever term length is in whatever office you vote me into. If you elect me president, you will get 4 years of president, Senate is 6 years, House is 2 years (See, Mr. Hayden? I did learn something in your history class other than "Abe Lincoln stood six foot three." You'd have to know Mr. Hayden to get that joke, BTW).
So I understand you have another message for your future constituency.
Indeed I do. I have but one request as you all head out to your polling places to cast your ballot. Know something. Know anything...even if it's trivial, or if it's only one thing...but for the love of all things good and plenty, know SOMETHING. In your voting machine, you will have choices on a number of elections. If you've never heard of any of the people in any given election...don't vote in that election. Don't vote all democratic because you claim to be ion favour of democracy, or all republican because you like guns.
If you only vote because of somebody's stand on one single issue, that's fine. As long as you have an opinion. If you want to cancel out my vote for somebody because the other person likes something else you're in favour of, have at it. That's what we have democracy for. But don't cancel out my vote because somebody's name looks more appealing to you the very first time you ever lay eyes on it inside the ugly blue curtain.
This is your platform of promising not to run for reelection, right?
Exactly! I don't promise to lower taxes or raise benefits for retired veterans of roadkill removal or protect the country from the lingering threat of Bird Flu. My only campaign promise to you, the voting public, is that I will never call your house during dinner or post millions of ugly plastic signs everywhere, or waste the last year of my administration to get reelected...simply because I'm not going to try to get reelected. I will do my job for whatever term length is in whatever office you vote me into. If you elect me president, you will get 4 years of president, Senate is 6 years, House is 2 years (See, Mr. Hayden? I did learn something in your history class other than "Abe Lincoln stood six foot three." You'd have to know Mr. Hayden to get that joke, BTW).
So I understand you have another message for your future constituency.
Indeed I do. I have but one request as you all head out to your polling places to cast your ballot. Know something. Know anything...even if it's trivial, or if it's only one thing...but for the love of all things good and plenty, know SOMETHING. In your voting machine, you will have choices on a number of elections. If you've never heard of any of the people in any given election...don't vote in that election. Don't vote all democratic because you claim to be ion favour of democracy, or all republican because you like guns.
If you only vote because of somebody's stand on one single issue, that's fine. As long as you have an opinion. If you want to cancel out my vote for somebody because the other person likes something else you're in favour of, have at it. That's what we have democracy for. But don't cancel out my vote because somebody's name looks more appealing to you the very first time you ever lay eyes on it inside the ugly blue curtain.
Monday, November 3, 2008
I never get these...
License Plate: DARTHTSM. You get to tell me what it means!
You're pretty bad at license plates.
I prefer to think that some people are bad at making them. If it's supposed to be some inside joke that nobody will get but will amuse the heck out of you, it's probably not a good license plate. They need to be at least somewhat intuitive so that people driving behind you can read the plate and understand it rather than reading it 15 times as it gets closer, and their brain gets all wrapped up in trying to figure it out instead of realizing that they should be stopping. Half a second later, you're picking their bumper up out of your back seat. Good for you...you win the battle of wits, but you lose at life.
Is that what happened with our boy Darth here?
Thankfully, no. I noticed this one safely walking through a parking lot...but my brain immediately shut down and started to ponder what this was. Everybody knows about Darth's...and I like to think I'm at least reasonably familiar with Star Wars (I don't base my life on the teachings of Yoda or own a single Star Wars Lego Action Figure), and I know of Darth Maul and Darth Vader...but that's about it.
Darth Tism makes no sense...but then I thought maybe the guy likes to play darts, and he has Dart Hism...or maybe he thinks a Darthism is a wise quote from Darth Vader...but he didn't really say much that was interesting. Poor James Earl Jones just didn't have much to work with..."I find your lack of faith disturbing," and "I am your father," are pretty much it for famous Darth Quotes...hardly a tome worthy of it's own Noun, and there's an extra T to boot. So I leave it to you, The Most Intelligent Readership In The World...let me know what it means so I can get some sleep.
You may gain an hour of sleep Saturday night, but you turn it right back in Sunday night when you feel like going to bed at 9PM.
You're pretty bad at license plates.
I prefer to think that some people are bad at making them. If it's supposed to be some inside joke that nobody will get but will amuse the heck out of you, it's probably not a good license plate. They need to be at least somewhat intuitive so that people driving behind you can read the plate and understand it rather than reading it 15 times as it gets closer, and their brain gets all wrapped up in trying to figure it out instead of realizing that they should be stopping. Half a second later, you're picking their bumper up out of your back seat. Good for you...you win the battle of wits, but you lose at life.
Is that what happened with our boy Darth here?
Thankfully, no. I noticed this one safely walking through a parking lot...but my brain immediately shut down and started to ponder what this was. Everybody knows about Darth's...and I like to think I'm at least reasonably familiar with Star Wars (I don't base my life on the teachings of Yoda or own a single Star Wars Lego Action Figure), and I know of Darth Maul and Darth Vader...but that's about it.
Darth Tism makes no sense...but then I thought maybe the guy likes to play darts, and he has Dart Hism...or maybe he thinks a Darthism is a wise quote from Darth Vader...but he didn't really say much that was interesting. Poor James Earl Jones just didn't have much to work with..."I find your lack of faith disturbing," and "I am your father," are pretty much it for famous Darth Quotes...hardly a tome worthy of it's own Noun, and there's an extra T to boot. So I leave it to you, The Most Intelligent Readership In The World...let me know what it means so I can get some sleep.
You may gain an hour of sleep Saturday night, but you turn it right back in Sunday night when you feel like going to bed at 9PM.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thm Wk, Pt 5
Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: If They Had TXT Week! "a2 brute?" – J. Caesar
Okay, this one's a stretch, isn't it?
Perhaps...but given the fact that Caesar had just been attatcked by the Roman Senate when this quote occurred, it would stand to reason that he would be looking for the fastest and easiest way to get his point across before kicking the bucket.
Still a little morbid.
Well, it is Hallowe'en.
SO, as a special treat for all you loyal readers, I decided to share a link that I received from Steve, a member of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, who took it upon himself to find somebody who spoke Czech to make heads or tails of the music video posted here on Wednesday.
Here's a Translation of the Lyrics for you to review at your leisure. Turns out, the song is actually a comedy/parody song about a swamp monster named Joe. No, I'm not kidding. It's not immediately clear from the translation what makes the lead singer start laughing at the end...but that's beside the point entirely.
For those of you who prefer something with substance in your Blag, here's a sweet video of the world's largest beach ball:
Okay, this one's a stretch, isn't it?
Perhaps...but given the fact that Caesar had just been attatcked by the Roman Senate when this quote occurred, it would stand to reason that he would be looking for the fastest and easiest way to get his point across before kicking the bucket.
Still a little morbid.
Well, it is Hallowe'en.
SO, as a special treat for all you loyal readers, I decided to share a link that I received from Steve, a member of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, who took it upon himself to find somebody who spoke Czech to make heads or tails of the music video posted here on Wednesday.
Here's a Translation of the Lyrics for you to review at your leisure. Turns out, the song is actually a comedy/parody song about a swamp monster named Joe. No, I'm not kidding. It's not immediately clear from the translation what makes the lead singer start laughing at the end...but that's beside the point entirely.
For those of you who prefer something with substance in your Blag, here's a sweet video of the world's largest beach ball:
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Thm Wk, Pt 4
Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: If They Had TXT Week! “we wl bury u” – N. Khrushchev
Think of all the needless shoe-bashing that could have been ended right there.
Today's Sametime Status illustrates both the strengths and weaknesses of TXT messaging. In this particular case, instead of having some big speech with an getting an audience and TV cameras and turning it into a whole thing, our boy Nikita could have just sent a quick little text to the US and had done with it. Much easier.
However, you do lose some of the impact. Text messages don't really convey strong emotions very well. The best you can do is add a couple exclamation points, which is annoying if you have to go up to one of the menus, select "Symbols" and find the exclamation point, in my case, it's #4 so that's not too bad...but it's extra work. You could also type in all capital letters to let the reader know that you're either shouting or don't know where the Caps Lock key is. In the immortal words of some poster I found online somewhere, "Caps Lock. Are You Ready To Unleash The Fury?"
When it comes to raw emotions, slamming a shoe works better, but is it worth the extra effort?
Think of all the needless shoe-bashing that could have been ended right there.
Today's Sametime Status illustrates both the strengths and weaknesses of TXT messaging. In this particular case, instead of having some big speech with an getting an audience and TV cameras and turning it into a whole thing, our boy Nikita could have just sent a quick little text to the US and had done with it. Much easier.
However, you do lose some of the impact. Text messages don't really convey strong emotions very well. The best you can do is add a couple exclamation points, which is annoying if you have to go up to one of the menus, select "Symbols" and find the exclamation point, in my case, it's #4 so that's not too bad...but it's extra work. You could also type in all capital letters to let the reader know that you're either shouting or don't know where the Caps Lock key is. In the immortal words of some poster I found online somewhere, "Caps Lock. Are You Ready To Unleash The Fury?"
When it comes to raw emotions, slamming a shoe works better, but is it worth the extra effort?
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Thm Wk, Pt 3
Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: If They Had TXT Week! "win 1 4 gipper" – K. Rockne
Very inspirational, Jeremy. Thank you for that.
Now that I have you all in a good mood, I've decided to ruin it.
Just another day in the Blag-O-Hood
So I was meandering around the Intertubez and stumbled upon the following music video. I'd tell you that it's like a train wreck...but it's more like watching one of those huge multi-car pile-ups on the freeway. The longer you watch, the more stuff happens and none of it is ever good.
The redeeming quality of this is that it's actually a pretty catchy tune. But the video is non-stop ridiculous. The weird sound the guy makes into the gold thing (which I still can't quite figure out how he's doing it, haircuts, muttonchops, suit coat that wouldn't even make a good tablecloth, epilepsy-inspired dancing...and then the guy with the pane of glass comes in and...well...I have even less of an explanation for what he does than anything else in the video. You just have to see it for yourself. Please enjoy...well...uhm....this song:
Very inspirational, Jeremy. Thank you for that.
Now that I have you all in a good mood, I've decided to ruin it.
Just another day in the Blag-O-Hood
So I was meandering around the Intertubez and stumbled upon the following music video. I'd tell you that it's like a train wreck...but it's more like watching one of those huge multi-car pile-ups on the freeway. The longer you watch, the more stuff happens and none of it is ever good.
The redeeming quality of this is that it's actually a pretty catchy tune. But the video is non-stop ridiculous. The weird sound the guy makes into the gold thing (which I still can't quite figure out how he's doing it, haircuts, muttonchops, suit coat that wouldn't even make a good tablecloth, epilepsy-inspired dancing...and then the guy with the pane of glass comes in and...well...I have even less of an explanation for what he does than anything else in the video. You just have to see it for yourself. Please enjoy...well...uhm....this song:
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Thm Wk, Pt 2
Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: If They Had TXT Week! "watson cm hre i need u" – A. G. Bell
Woah...you just blew my mind.
Exactly! Today's famous quote from history is reportedly the first words spoken over a telephone after Alexander Graham Bell poured McDonalds coffee in his lap or something. The irony of including this in with the Theme Week is that if Mr. Bell had TXT messaging, he would have been able to send this in quick text messaging form, but he also wouldn't have been inventing the telephone. Anachronism at its finest!
Speaking of people named Bell...
Everyone's Favourite Taco Restaurant started a promotion a short time ago that not so many people knew about. It was called "Steal A Base. Steal A Taco" and it stipulated that if any base was legitimately stolen in the World Series, then everybody in America would earn a free taco. The promotion lasted all of 5 innings as Tampa Bay Shortstop Jason Bartlett stole second second base in Game 1 of the series, and there was much rejoicing.
To collect your Taco, all you need to do is go to any Taco Bell between 2 and 6PM local time and pick it up. Just make sure you ask for a couple extra packets of hot sauce for Evil Jeremy.
Woah...you just blew my mind.
Exactly! Today's famous quote from history is reportedly the first words spoken over a telephone after Alexander Graham Bell poured McDonalds coffee in his lap or something. The irony of including this in with the Theme Week is that if Mr. Bell had TXT messaging, he would have been able to send this in quick text messaging form, but he also wouldn't have been inventing the telephone. Anachronism at its finest!
Speaking of people named Bell...
Everyone's Favourite Taco Restaurant started a promotion a short time ago that not so many people knew about. It was called "Steal A Base. Steal A Taco" and it stipulated that if any base was legitimately stolen in the World Series, then everybody in America would earn a free taco. The promotion lasted all of 5 innings as Tampa Bay Shortstop Jason Bartlett stole second second base in Game 1 of the series, and there was much rejoicing.
To collect your Taco, all you need to do is go to any Taco Bell between 2 and 6PM local time and pick it up. Just make sure you ask for a couple extra packets of hot sauce for Evil Jeremy.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Thm Wk, Pt 1
Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: If They Had TXT Week! “romeo whr u@?” – J Capulet
It's Theme Week Time again!
That's right...and this week, we take a look at text messaging, and the impact it may have had on famous quotations from the past.
We've all sent and received text messages. Sometimes, they're written in seemingly incomprehensible gibberish, which apparently require 301,000 web pages worth of translations Such As This One to decode.
That said, text messaging is a terrific way to get a quick point across or as a quick question without the hassle of a phone call. In today's example, the young Miss Capulet originally required all of this to ask Romeo for his location:
A little long-winded, right? With the advent of text messaging, this was whittled down to a mere 13 characters.
13 is an unlucky number. Maybe that's why the story ended the way it did.
It's Theme Week Time again!
That's right...and this week, we take a look at text messaging, and the impact it may have had on famous quotations from the past.
We've all sent and received text messages. Sometimes, they're written in seemingly incomprehensible gibberish, which apparently require 301,000 web pages worth of translations Such As This One to decode.
That said, text messaging is a terrific way to get a quick point across or as a quick question without the hassle of a phone call. In today's example, the young Miss Capulet originally required all of this to ask Romeo for his location:
- O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love
And I'll no longer be a Capulet.
A little long-winded, right? With the advent of text messaging, this was whittled down to a mere 13 characters.
13 is an unlucky number. Maybe that's why the story ended the way it did.
Friday, October 24, 2008
I would have loved to be in that meeting
Is the "No Food Or Drink" sign on the bathroom door really necessary?
Seriously?
Very much so. Here at work, one of the bathroom doors actually has a sign on it that says "No Food Or Drink." I'd like to examine this from two points of view. First, the people who deemed it necessary to have a "No Food Or Drink" sign on the bathroom door.
They actually sat in a room wondering where to put signs and what signs to put there and came to the sullen realization that people spend too much time eating in the bathroom. We simply can't have that, now can we? We've provided picnic tables and break rooms and even an adorably tiny cafeteria in which to eat. That should be sufficient.
Also, they were tired of sweeping up potato chip crumbs from the bathroom floor, apparently.
Now let's turn it around and look at this from the point of view from the moron who's walking around with his lunch box thinking, "where, oh where can I eat my lunch? The picnic table is outside, the break room is full and the adorably tiny cafeteria is all the way over there. I have a capital idea!"...and he sauntered into the bathroom. I must admit that this does makes some productivity sense...everybody has to eat, and everybody has to spend time sitting on the pan, so why not accomplish both at once? However, one of those actions tends to have a very adverse reaction to your desire to perform the other...I'll let you decide which is which.
I believe this goes against your policy of Bathroom Humour on the blag.
The key thing to note here is that there IS in fact a sign. Which means it was put there for a reason. The same reason that McDonald's coffee cups have a warning label about coffee being hot, and hair dryers have a warning label telling you not to use it in the bathtub...somebody learned the hard way.
So I call out to everyone in The Most Intelligent Readership In The World to share your stories of yourselves and your co-workers about enjoying lunch in the can, or how stupid warning signs actually prevented you from doing something dumb. It'll be fun!
Seriously?
Very much so. Here at work, one of the bathroom doors actually has a sign on it that says "No Food Or Drink." I'd like to examine this from two points of view. First, the people who deemed it necessary to have a "No Food Or Drink" sign on the bathroom door.
They actually sat in a room wondering where to put signs and what signs to put there and came to the sullen realization that people spend too much time eating in the bathroom. We simply can't have that, now can we? We've provided picnic tables and break rooms and even an adorably tiny cafeteria in which to eat. That should be sufficient.
Also, they were tired of sweeping up potato chip crumbs from the bathroom floor, apparently.
Now let's turn it around and look at this from the point of view from the moron who's walking around with his lunch box thinking, "where, oh where can I eat my lunch? The picnic table is outside, the break room is full and the adorably tiny cafeteria is all the way over there. I have a capital idea!"...and he sauntered into the bathroom. I must admit that this does makes some productivity sense...everybody has to eat, and everybody has to spend time sitting on the pan, so why not accomplish both at once? However, one of those actions tends to have a very adverse reaction to your desire to perform the other...I'll let you decide which is which.
I believe this goes against your policy of Bathroom Humour on the blag.
The key thing to note here is that there IS in fact a sign. Which means it was put there for a reason. The same reason that McDonald's coffee cups have a warning label about coffee being hot, and hair dryers have a warning label telling you not to use it in the bathtub...somebody learned the hard way.
So I call out to everyone in The Most Intelligent Readership In The World to share your stories of yourselves and your co-workers about enjoying lunch in the can, or how stupid warning signs actually prevented you from doing something dumb. It'll be fun!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Wasn't there a movie about that?
"We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." – Dan Quayle
Great...more political quotes. Aren't we getting enough of that on TV and radio and those millions of wire and plastic signs strewn up everywhere?
Yes, I know I have a political quote up on the Status today, but I didn't feel like using any of my other coming messages, so this is what you get.
In addition (and since I'd like to make it up to you), let me introduce you all to a great new sport. It combines the elements of jumping on a trampoline, volleyball, and playing in a bouncy castle. Ladies, Gentlemen, and people from Elmira...here is Bossa Ball:
Great...more political quotes. Aren't we getting enough of that on TV and radio and those millions of wire and plastic signs strewn up everywhere?
Yes, I know I have a political quote up on the Status today, but I didn't feel like using any of my other coming messages, so this is what you get.
In addition (and since I'd like to make it up to you), let me introduce you all to a great new sport. It combines the elements of jumping on a trampoline, volleyball, and playing in a bouncy castle. Ladies, Gentlemen, and people from Elmira...here is Bossa Ball:
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Can it be summer again?
Mother Nature 1 - Jeremy 0
So she whipped your butt, huh?
Well, in the sense that she made the season change, I guess so.
I held out as long as I could, but yesterday, it simply had to be done. Yes, ladies, gentlemen, and people from Elmira...I turned on the heat.
The horror!!
Well, with oil prices being the way they are, this is a pretty big deal thing. But yesterday, when the outside temperature was in the upper 20's the writing was on the wall. It's now officially winter. Time to hunker down with blankets and hot chocolate with movies and hockey games.
Winter doesn't seem so bad.
I'm still looking forward to summer.
So she whipped your butt, huh?
Well, in the sense that she made the season change, I guess so.
I held out as long as I could, but yesterday, it simply had to be done. Yes, ladies, gentlemen, and people from Elmira...I turned on the heat.
The horror!!
Well, with oil prices being the way they are, this is a pretty big deal thing. But yesterday, when the outside temperature was in the upper 20's the writing was on the wall. It's now officially winter. Time to hunker down with blankets and hot chocolate with movies and hockey games.
Winter doesn't seem so bad.
I'm still looking forward to summer.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Won't somebody think of the children?
I passed School Bus Number 666 on my way to work today. That’s not a good sign, right?
You're joking about this, right?
Sadly, I am not. I get to the last traffic light on my commute, and right there next to me is bus #666. My only thought was, "Seriously?"
That's often your only thought.
I know school buses have to have some sort of numbering scheme, and hopefully it makes sense in the mind of some micromanaging bureaucrat sitting behind a desk somewhere waiting for the NEXT AIG Executive Retreat, this time an $86,000 hunting trip. But I digress...
I'm sure the numbering system is important and all...but wouldn't anybody have the common sense to go ahead ans skip over 666? I mean...pretty much everybody who checks into a hotel can count to 15, and yet most hotels go ahead and skip over floor 13 for superstitious reasons. I think it's safe to do the same with school buses.
Please support my online petition to ban numbering school buses #666. Thank you.
You're joking about this, right?
Sadly, I am not. I get to the last traffic light on my commute, and right there next to me is bus #666. My only thought was, "Seriously?"
That's often your only thought.
I know school buses have to have some sort of numbering scheme, and hopefully it makes sense in the mind of some micromanaging bureaucrat sitting behind a desk somewhere waiting for the NEXT AIG Executive Retreat, this time an $86,000 hunting trip. But I digress...
I'm sure the numbering system is important and all...but wouldn't anybody have the common sense to go ahead ans skip over 666? I mean...pretty much everybody who checks into a hotel can count to 15, and yet most hotels go ahead and skip over floor 13 for superstitious reasons. I think it's safe to do the same with school buses.
Please support my online petition to ban numbering school buses #666. Thank you.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Rhetorical Friday Strikes Back
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
Seriously? Didn't we give up on Rhetorical Friday some time ago?
That's the beauty of Rhetorical Friday...it sneaks up on you when you're least expecting it.
It should stop...these are terrible.
All part of the fun.
Speaking of fun, since I don't have anything else in store today, you get to watch a video of a crazy person on a gigantic swing. Go ahead...try not to root for him:
Seriously? Didn't we give up on Rhetorical Friday some time ago?
That's the beauty of Rhetorical Friday...it sneaks up on you when you're least expecting it.
It should stop...these are terrible.
All part of the fun.
Speaking of fun, since I don't have anything else in store today, you get to watch a video of a crazy person on a gigantic swing. Go ahead...try not to root for him:
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Maybe the binder is insane...
"After they finish the quiz I'm going to run my first meeting here. It's going to be insane! No, it's not. I've got to read from the binder." -Holly Flax; Dunder Mifflin
Office!!!
Oh yeah. Office. Before too long, we can get rid of the new HR rep for Dunder Mifflin Scranton and hopefully get back to having Toby around. Holly's simply not working out.
As a special note, I'd like to congratulate all of the newest executives in my AIG insurance company. I'm sure this change in leadership is exactly what our company needs to get through these tough times. In no particular order, here is our new leadership team:
Welcome aboard, team!
Office!!!
Oh yeah. Office. Before too long, we can get rid of the new HR rep for Dunder Mifflin Scranton and hopefully get back to having Toby around. Holly's simply not working out.
As a special note, I'd like to congratulate all of the newest executives in my AIG insurance company. I'm sure this change in leadership is exactly what our company needs to get through these tough times. In no particular order, here is our new leadership team:
- Chief Operations Officer, and Director of Emerging Operations Jeff!
- Chief Corporate Officer and Director of Most Operations, Jim!
- Chief Management Officer and Director of Everything Else, Willie!
Welcome aboard, team!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
No no, Mr. CEO....I'll get the check.
Busy today planning the next AIG Corporate Retreat.
So you probably saw the news over the last week or so, but since last week was Theme Week, I couldn't get this posted. However, you get to have it now.
In a story that speaks for itself, An AIG Corporate Retreat was held back in late September, roughly a week after you and I paid our tax money directly into their company. I can't think of a better way to celebrate being rescued by taxpayers from your own failure than renting 26 Executive suites, 5 Presidential suites, getting manicures and massages, playing golf and enjoying lavish banquets.
In the great words of Mark's Sametime Status, we either need less corruption, or more opportunity to participate in it. I propose both! Since you and I now represent the majority stakeholder in the company, we should immediately fire anybody who had any involvement in the planning of this retreat and elect me CEO of the company. Anyone who leaves a Blag comment between now and 8AM tomorrow can have a directorship in our company and a nice golden parachute, courtesy of Uncle Sam. As for our corporate retreat, I'm open to suggestions, but at the moment, I'm looking into the Reach Resort in the Florida Keys.
So you probably saw the news over the last week or so, but since last week was Theme Week, I couldn't get this posted. However, you get to have it now.
In a story that speaks for itself, An AIG Corporate Retreat was held back in late September, roughly a week after you and I paid our tax money directly into their company. I can't think of a better way to celebrate being rescued by taxpayers from your own failure than renting 26 Executive suites, 5 Presidential suites, getting manicures and massages, playing golf and enjoying lavish banquets.
In the great words of Mark's Sametime Status, we either need less corruption, or more opportunity to participate in it. I propose both! Since you and I now represent the majority stakeholder in the company, we should immediately fire anybody who had any involvement in the planning of this retreat and elect me CEO of the company. Anyone who leaves a Blag comment between now and 8AM tomorrow can have a directorship in our company and a nice golden parachute, courtesy of Uncle Sam. As for our corporate retreat, I'm open to suggestions, but at the moment, I'm looking into the Reach Resort in the Florida Keys.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Convince them that I'm your leader. It'll be funny!
Welcome Aliens!
So aliens read your blag. That explains a lot...
So today is the day that the Earth is going to be visited by aliens. Supposedly.
I'll ready my aluminum foil helmet.
According to the Federation of Light, a large spaceship will be visiting us starting today and continuing through Friday. If we're very fortunate, we can get them held over through the weekend.
So we can show them how to par-tay?
Something like that. Here's one artistic impression of what may happen:
So aliens read your blag. That explains a lot...
So today is the day that the Earth is going to be visited by aliens. Supposedly.
I'll ready my aluminum foil helmet.
According to the Federation of Light, a large spaceship will be visiting us starting today and continuing through Friday. If we're very fortunate, we can get them held over through the weekend.
So we can show them how to par-tay?
Something like that. Here's one artistic impression of what may happen:
Monday, October 13, 2008
A Ghostly Mistake
Stores who have Halloween candy on the shelves already greatly overestimate my willpower.
Halloween is only a couple weeks away. It won't last until then?
It most certainly will not. Peanut butter cups have a life expectancy of approximately 30 seconds once they enter my house. Now, Reese's has done the unthinkable and created Peanut Butter Pumpkins, thereby eliminating Halloween as a potential holiday without making myself sick eating too many Reese's Peanut Butter-Themed candies.
Jerks.
Well, at least we have some hardware to hand out. As it turns out, we were actually on Version V of the Home Game, so that's what our winner will get.
Works for me! The winner of last week's "Guess the NHL Star Week" and recipient of the Jeremy Is In The Office Home Game, Volume V: Autumn Leaves is none other than Judson! With his fortunate guess of Steve Begin on Wednesday, Judson managed a whopping 3 correct answers, beating out 7 other players who all had 2 correct. Congratulations, Judson!
As for Friday's correct answer (Guessed correctly by nobody, by the way), Michael is the 4th most common given name in the United States. Smith, Johnson, and Williams are the top 3 most common surnames in the United States. Among the legions of sports stars named Mike Smith, Mike Johnson, and Mike Williams, only one appears on a current NHL Roster. Mike Smith is an NHL Goaltender, currently playing for the Tampa Bay Lightning.
Halloween is only a couple weeks away. It won't last until then?
It most certainly will not. Peanut butter cups have a life expectancy of approximately 30 seconds once they enter my house. Now, Reese's has done the unthinkable and created Peanut Butter Pumpkins, thereby eliminating Halloween as a potential holiday without making myself sick eating too many Reese's Peanut Butter-Themed candies.
Jerks.
Well, at least we have some hardware to hand out. As it turns out, we were actually on Version V of the Home Game, so that's what our winner will get.
Works for me! The winner of last week's "Guess the NHL Star Week" and recipient of the Jeremy Is In The Office Home Game, Volume V: Autumn Leaves is none other than Judson! With his fortunate guess of Steve Begin on Wednesday, Judson managed a whopping 3 correct answers, beating out 7 other players who all had 2 correct. Congratulations, Judson!
As for Friday's correct answer (Guessed correctly by nobody, by the way), Michael is the 4th most common given name in the United States. Smith, Johnson, and Williams are the top 3 most common surnames in the United States. Among the legions of sports stars named Mike Smith, Mike Johnson, and Mike Williams, only one appears on a current NHL Roster. Mike Smith is an NHL Goaltender, currently playing for the Tampa Bay Lightning.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Theme Week Shootout
Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Guess the NHL Star Week! Mike Smith, Mike Johnson, or Mike Williams
You've got to be kidding me.
Nope...what we have here are people named Mike with the top 3 most common Surnames in the United States. Only one currently appears on an NHL roster...all you have to do is name which one. Easy, right?
And yesterday's answer is...
You've got to be kidding me.
Nope...what we have here are people named Mike with the top 3 most common Surnames in the United States. Only one currently appears on an NHL roster...all you have to do is name which one. Easy, right?
And yesterday's answer is...
- Jacques Dupuis is the current Minister of Justice and Minister of Public Security for the Province of Quebec.
- Roy Dupuis is not a hockey player, but played one in the movies. While best known for his role as Michael Samuelle in the television series La Femme Nikita, he also played the lead role of Maurice “Rocket” Richard in the 2005 motion picture “The Rocket: The Maurice Richard Story”
- Pascal Dupuis is an NHL Left-Winger, currently playing for the Pittsburgh Penguins.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Theme Week Sudden-Death Overtime
Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Guess the NHL Star Week! Jacques Dupuis, Roy Dupuis, or Pascal Dupuis
Are they all related?
I have no idea, really...but to find out which one plays in the NHL, you'll have to wait until tomorrow. Submit those entries, folks!
Here's yesterday's answer, from Beginning, to Middle, to End:
Are they all related?
I have no idea, really...but to find out which one plays in the NHL, you'll have to wait until tomorrow. Submit those entries, folks!
Here's yesterday's answer, from Beginning, to Middle, to End:
- Steve Begin (Actually pronounced bay-ZHAN, but it's funnier if you think of it as "begin") is an NHL Left-Winger, currently playing for the Montreal Canadiens.
- Ben (Benjamin Agustus) Middleton is the birth name of entertainment icon Ben Vereen.
- Sam Endicott is the lead singer and front man for the alternative rock group “The Bravery.”
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Theme Week Third Period
Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Guess the NHL Star Week! Steve Begin, Ben Middleton, or Sam Endicott
That's kinda cute, with the names...a Theme within the Theme Week.
I have to admit, I had a little too much fun putting together the lists for this week's quiz. Once again, just like the last 2 days, all of the "participants" in today's puzzle are real people...you just have to tell me which one is the NHL player.
So how about some standings?
Nope. Theme week policy is never to give out standings mid-way through the week, but I can tell you that there is a bit of a logjam for first place. So keep those entries coming, folks!
Well, I know you can tell us the answer to yesterday's. Have at it.
Absolutely! Here's yesterday's list:
That's kinda cute, with the names...a Theme within the Theme Week.
I have to admit, I had a little too much fun putting together the lists for this week's quiz. Once again, just like the last 2 days, all of the "participants" in today's puzzle are real people...you just have to tell me which one is the NHL player.
So how about some standings?
Nope. Theme week policy is never to give out standings mid-way through the week, but I can tell you that there is a bit of a logjam for first place. So keep those entries coming, folks!
Well, I know you can tell us the answer to yesterday's. Have at it.
Absolutely! Here's yesterday's list:
- Evgeny Dragunov was a Russian weapons designer most famous for his eponymous semi-automatic sniper rifle, recently featured on the USA TV Series “Burn Notice.”
- Vyacheslav Kozlov is an NHL Left-Winger, currently playing for the Atlanta Thrashers.
- Maxim Mikhaylov was a member of the 2008 Russian Men’s Indoor Volleyball team which won the bronze medal in Beijing.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
theme Week Second Period
Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Guess the NHL Star Week! Evgeny Dragunov, Vyacheslav Koslov, or Maxim Mikhaylov
So continuing in Theme Week Quiz tradition, the questions get harder as the week goes on, yes?
I usually try to set them up that way, but sometimes it backfires, and the one that I think is the hardest is the one that people get right the most. So there's hope for those of you who got the first one wrong.
So what was the answer to the first one?
Well, all three people named yesterday are or were real people. In order:
Good luck everybody!
So continuing in Theme Week Quiz tradition, the questions get harder as the week goes on, yes?
I usually try to set them up that way, but sometimes it backfires, and the one that I think is the hardest is the one that people get right the most. So there's hope for those of you who got the first one wrong.
So what was the answer to the first one?
Well, all three people named yesterday are or were real people. In order:
- Henrik Lunqvist is an NHL Goaltender, currently playing for the New York Rangers.
- Adolf Erik Nordenskiöld was a Finnish explorer best known for his 1878 voyage on The Vega, in which he became the first person to sail the entire Northwest Passage around Asia.
- Fredrik Reinfeldt is the current Prime Minister of Sweden.
Good luck everybody!
Monday, October 6, 2008
Theme Week First Period
Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Guess the NHL Star Week! Henrik Lundqvist, Adolf Erik Nordenskiöld , or Fredrik Reinfeldt
It's Theme Week Time Again!
So with the NHL season about to get underway, it's time for The Most Intelligent Readership In The World to brush up on some familiar and not so familiar names in hockey. Yes, I know technically the regular season started on Saturday with games in Prague and Stockholm, but the rest of the regular season begins with gusto later this week.
Here's what you do: Each day this week, a new list of 3 names will be provided. One of them is an NHL star. Simply decide which is the NHL star, and submit your answer in the form of an Email, Instant Message, or Blag Comment. Entries must be received by 8AM the following day when a new list is posted. One entry per person will be accepted, so be darned sure you've made up your mind before you hit that little "Send" button.
Tell them what they'll win!
I think we're up to Volume 4 of the Home Game...so the winner of this week's contest will receive the Jeremy Is In The Office Home Game, Volume IV: Autumn Leaves!
Good luck everybody!
It's Theme Week Time Again!
So with the NHL season about to get underway, it's time for The Most Intelligent Readership In The World to brush up on some familiar and not so familiar names in hockey. Yes, I know technically the regular season started on Saturday with games in Prague and Stockholm, but the rest of the regular season begins with gusto later this week.
Here's what you do: Each day this week, a new list of 3 names will be provided. One of them is an NHL star. Simply decide which is the NHL star, and submit your answer in the form of an Email, Instant Message, or Blag Comment. Entries must be received by 8AM the following day when a new list is posted. One entry per person will be accepted, so be darned sure you've made up your mind before you hit that little "Send" button.
Tell them what they'll win!
I think we're up to Volume 4 of the Home Game...so the winner of this week's contest will receive the Jeremy Is In The Office Home Game, Volume IV: Autumn Leaves!
Good luck everybody!
Friday, October 3, 2008
Debate this!
Today’s Sametime Status contains every intelligent phrase from yesterday’s Vice Presidential Debate.
You actually watched that?
It was at least somewhat akin to watching NASCAR for the crashes, but the difference is I actually did watch it, unlike NASCAR. It was moronic.
And what did you come away with? A better understanding of the issues or the candidates' positions on them?
I came away knowing that Alaska has oil, and John McCain voted 20 times against capping carbon emissions. Those were the talking points, so that's what we got to hear about. I think the question was about lunches served in public schools.
That's it?
Nope. I came away with a great idea. Immediately after the debate, CNN started showing a program called "Debate Night In America" which consisted of people getting paid to talk about people talking in circles about absolutely nothing. The title of that show is obviously lifted from the long-time CBC program "Hockey Night In Canada" which is not only far more entertaining, but also significantly less painful than watching a moron and a robot talk for 2 hours. (I'll let you decide which candidate was the moron and which was the robot.)
Then it hit me. The way to make the debate not only watchable, but enjoyable and informative too! As long as we're swiping program titles, we may as well borrow the hosts, too. So for the next debate, instead of having Tom Brokaw moderate, put Don Cherry in the center chair. He won't take any crap from either side and will actually keep them answering the actual questions instead of spouting off staged talking points. Watch how well he moderates Ron MacLean in this clip form Coach's Corner:
You actually watched that?
It was at least somewhat akin to watching NASCAR for the crashes, but the difference is I actually did watch it, unlike NASCAR. It was moronic.
And what did you come away with? A better understanding of the issues or the candidates' positions on them?
I came away knowing that Alaska has oil, and John McCain voted 20 times against capping carbon emissions. Those were the talking points, so that's what we got to hear about. I think the question was about lunches served in public schools.
That's it?
Nope. I came away with a great idea. Immediately after the debate, CNN started showing a program called "Debate Night In America" which consisted of people getting paid to talk about people talking in circles about absolutely nothing. The title of that show is obviously lifted from the long-time CBC program "Hockey Night In Canada" which is not only far more entertaining, but also significantly less painful than watching a moron and a robot talk for 2 hours. (I'll let you decide which candidate was the moron and which was the robot.)
Then it hit me. The way to make the debate not only watchable, but enjoyable and informative too! As long as we're swiping program titles, we may as well borrow the hosts, too. So for the next debate, instead of having Tom Brokaw moderate, put Don Cherry in the center chair. He won't take any crap from either side and will actually keep them answering the actual questions instead of spouting off staged talking points. Watch how well he moderates Ron MacLean in this clip form Coach's Corner:
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Today's title is not a palindrome
Elsewhere dips a web. Be still if I fill its ebb. Ew, a spider… eh? We sleep. Oh no!
Once again, I don't get it.
Today's Status comes to you courtesy of comedian Demetri Martin, and his poem "Dammit, I'm Mad."
Alright then.
Demetri is a relatively new comedian who specializes in bizarre train-of-thought jokes that can be somewhat Mitch Hedberg-esque at times, but he also adds charts, graphs, and music into his act.
One of his acts is called "If I" in which he spends time exploring the palindromic nature of the world. During this bit, he introduces a 224 word poem he wrote called "Dammit I'm Mad." The entire poem is one long palindrome. The middle of which is "If I" which is included in today's message.
The entire text of the poem can be found on The Official Demetri Martin Website
Here's a clip from the Comedy Central special "Demetri Martin, Person"
Once again, I don't get it.
Today's Status comes to you courtesy of comedian Demetri Martin, and his poem "Dammit, I'm Mad."
Alright then.
Demetri is a relatively new comedian who specializes in bizarre train-of-thought jokes that can be somewhat Mitch Hedberg-esque at times, but he also adds charts, graphs, and music into his act.
One of his acts is called "If I" in which he spends time exploring the palindromic nature of the world. During this bit, he introduces a 224 word poem he wrote called "Dammit I'm Mad." The entire poem is one long palindrome. The middle of which is "If I" which is included in today's message.
The entire text of the poem can be found on The Official Demetri Martin Website
Here's a clip from the Comedy Central special "Demetri Martin, Person"
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Think of the Children!
Vote YES on H.R. 197582!!! Bail out Jeremy’s Sametime Status!
There is no other way! Vote now, or you face a collapsing economy of Sametime Statuses, the Takeover of the Internet by radical fundamentalist blogs, a shortfall in Daily Status Education, and Death by Bird Flu.
H.R. 197582 is the most important piece of legislation in the House right now. It approves a 7 million dollar bail-out of Jeremy's Sametime Status, including Jeremy Is In The Office, which will help stimulate the economy of Status Message Blogs all over the world.
If "Jeremy Is In The Office" goes under, it will reduce the known number of daily Sametime Status Blogs on the Internet by 50%! For the sake of the people, we can't let that happen.
7 Million dollars is a small price to pay for this peace of mind. Especially when you compare it to the 700 Billion congress plans on giving to rich people who bilked everyone else out of money by signing ridiculously stupid loans and non-stop pre-approved credit card applications and now need to have the government give their company money so that they don't lose their multi-million-dollar severance packages when said company goes bankrupt.
Give the Bail-Out where it's needed most...right here in your Internet community. With 7 Million Dollars, "Jeremy Is In The Office" can provide you with Sametime Status Messages for as long as you're actually concerned about it...and more! "Jeremy Is In The Office" is one of the most respected charities around, with 100% of the proceeds going to the people who need it most. Show the Blag you know that you care. Call your local office at 631-960-7187. Call right now!
There is no other way! Vote now, or you face a collapsing economy of Sametime Statuses, the Takeover of the Internet by radical fundamentalist blogs, a shortfall in Daily Status Education, and Death by Bird Flu.
H.R. 197582 is the most important piece of legislation in the House right now. It approves a 7 million dollar bail-out of Jeremy's Sametime Status, including Jeremy Is In The Office, which will help stimulate the economy of Status Message Blogs all over the world.
If "Jeremy Is In The Office" goes under, it will reduce the known number of daily Sametime Status Blogs on the Internet by 50%! For the sake of the people, we can't let that happen.
7 Million dollars is a small price to pay for this peace of mind. Especially when you compare it to the 700 Billion congress plans on giving to rich people who bilked everyone else out of money by signing ridiculously stupid loans and non-stop pre-approved credit card applications and now need to have the government give their company money so that they don't lose their multi-million-dollar severance packages when said company goes bankrupt.
Give the Bail-Out where it's needed most...right here in your Internet community. With 7 Million Dollars, "Jeremy Is In The Office" can provide you with Sametime Status Messages for as long as you're actually concerned about it...and more! "Jeremy Is In The Office" is one of the most respected charities around, with 100% of the proceeds going to the people who need it most. Show the Blag you know that you care. Call your local office at 631-960-7187. Call right now!
Monday, September 29, 2008
He should be the Three-Eights Back
Why does the Fullback line up between the Quarterback and the Halfback?
Does anybody even use the word "Halfback" anymore?
I think so. Typically, the word has been largely replaced with "Running Back" in the Football lexicon, but it still pops up every now and again...and it confuses me.
In a standard I Formation, you have in order, the Center, the Quarterback, the Fullback, and the Halfback. It really makes no sense. The center isn't in the center, the Halfback is all the way back, the Fullback is halfway back, and the Quarterback is directly after Center. Horrifically confusing to the first-time football watcher.
You're not a first-time football watcher.
Exactly! And I still get confused! Who's looking out for Joe Schmo out there, tuning in to football for the first time, asking what all these weird positions are? Also...everybody is "Back." On Offense you have the Quarterback, Fullback, Halfback, Running Back, Tail Back, Split Backs...and over on the defensive side it's Linebackers and Cornerbacks. There are no "Forwards." Anywhere! People go "Wide" and are on the "Ends," and on the "Line" but nobody is "Forward," and in a game where the object is to move forward into the opposition's territory, wouldn't you want somebody to at least be in charge of going there?
I suppose you have a better suggestion?
Not a suggestion to fix football, exactly. More like an alternative. A sport where the positional names at least somewhat reflect what the person does.
HOCKEY!
You have the Center, who lines up in the Center of the ice. The Left Wing is on the left side of Center, and the Right Wing is on the Right side. All three of these positions are referred to as "Forwards" as they're the primary people in charge of going forward and scoring on the opponent's Goaltender...who incidentally stands in front of the goal and tends to it. The "Defensemen" are behind the forwards and...get this...play Defense. In specialty areas, you have Snipers who take accurate shots from all areas of the ice, "Stay At Home Defensemen" who aren't especially adept at rushing up the ice, but do a better job keeping the opponents form scoring, "Power Forwards" who move forward with speed and physicality, and "Enforcers" who ensure the game is played on your team's terms.
It really makes much more sense.
NHL Season starts Saturday, folks!
Does anybody even use the word "Halfback" anymore?
I think so. Typically, the word has been largely replaced with "Running Back" in the Football lexicon, but it still pops up every now and again...and it confuses me.
In a standard I Formation, you have in order, the Center, the Quarterback, the Fullback, and the Halfback. It really makes no sense. The center isn't in the center, the Halfback is all the way back, the Fullback is halfway back, and the Quarterback is directly after Center. Horrifically confusing to the first-time football watcher.
You're not a first-time football watcher.
Exactly! And I still get confused! Who's looking out for Joe Schmo out there, tuning in to football for the first time, asking what all these weird positions are? Also...everybody is "Back." On Offense you have the Quarterback, Fullback, Halfback, Running Back, Tail Back, Split Backs...and over on the defensive side it's Linebackers and Cornerbacks. There are no "Forwards." Anywhere! People go "Wide" and are on the "Ends," and on the "Line" but nobody is "Forward," and in a game where the object is to move forward into the opposition's territory, wouldn't you want somebody to at least be in charge of going there?
I suppose you have a better suggestion?
Not a suggestion to fix football, exactly. More like an alternative. A sport where the positional names at least somewhat reflect what the person does.
HOCKEY!
You have the Center, who lines up in the Center of the ice. The Left Wing is on the left side of Center, and the Right Wing is on the Right side. All three of these positions are referred to as "Forwards" as they're the primary people in charge of going forward and scoring on the opponent's Goaltender...who incidentally stands in front of the goal and tends to it. The "Defensemen" are behind the forwards and...get this...play Defense. In specialty areas, you have Snipers who take accurate shots from all areas of the ice, "Stay At Home Defensemen" who aren't especially adept at rushing up the ice, but do a better job keeping the opponents form scoring, "Power Forwards" who move forward with speed and physicality, and "Enforcers" who ensure the game is played on your team's terms.
It really makes much more sense.
NHL Season starts Saturday, folks!
Friday, September 26, 2008
Is they?
"This is delicious. My taste buds is goin’ wild!"
Aside from bad grammar, what exactly is this?
This is a quote from a new (New to me at least) infomercial for the Flavor-Wave Oven!
You bought one, didn't you?
I most certainly did not. I'm reasonably proud to say that I've never purchased anything off of an Infomercial, or any product pitched by Billy Mays. This is not to say that I don't own a Miracle Blade, but I can honestly tell you that I didn't buy it.
So what makes the Flavor-Wave Oven so noteworthy? Is it Billy Mays again?
Not my boy Billy, no. This particular infomercial stars Mr. T! Here's a clip for your edutainment/punishment. Please note the part where he says, "I love it when a plan comes together," thereby lifting a line from a show he was on 21 years ago...and it wasn't even his line!
As a special bonus, since I know my Mom will be reading, here's a Mr. T music video about treating your Mother right. She'll either be extra happy or disown me because of this. Neither would surprise me.
Aside from bad grammar, what exactly is this?
This is a quote from a new (New to me at least) infomercial for the Flavor-Wave Oven!
You bought one, didn't you?
I most certainly did not. I'm reasonably proud to say that I've never purchased anything off of an Infomercial, or any product pitched by Billy Mays. This is not to say that I don't own a Miracle Blade, but I can honestly tell you that I didn't buy it.
So what makes the Flavor-Wave Oven so noteworthy? Is it Billy Mays again?
Not my boy Billy, no. This particular infomercial stars Mr. T! Here's a clip for your edutainment/punishment. Please note the part where he says, "I love it when a plan comes together," thereby lifting a line from a show he was on 21 years ago...and it wasn't even his line!
As a special bonus, since I know my Mom will be reading, here's a Mr. T music video about treating your Mother right. She'll either be extra happy or disown me because of this. Neither would surprise me.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Season Premier!!!
I did this for the little guy. For Joe six pack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his four hundred dollar a month apartment, wonders how he's gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up, with oil. Wonders "How am I gonna pay my kids' orphanage bills?" Andy Bernard; Dunder Mifflin
There are so many things wrong with that sentence. That nutty Andy...
And yet, there's something so right about it...because it's finally here! Tonight is the Season Premier of The Office! WOOOOOOOO!!
Incidentally, on a related note, I will be unavailable for calls or comments between 9PM and 10PM Eastern time tonight. Thank you for your understanding.
Here's a short clip of what to expect from Season 5:
There are so many things wrong with that sentence. That nutty Andy...
And yet, there's something so right about it...because it's finally here! Tonight is the Season Premier of The Office! WOOOOOOOO!!
Incidentally, on a related note, I will be unavailable for calls or comments between 9PM and 10PM Eastern time tonight. Thank you for your understanding.
Here's a short clip of what to expect from Season 5:
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I hope one of the Steinbrenners reads this...I really do.
HAPPY V-Y DAY EVERYBODY!!!!
What exactly is V-Y Day? I'm not aware of any mid-to-late September bank holidays.
V-Y Day is the most glorious day of the year for most of the people outside the greater New York City area, and roughly half the people IN the greater New York City Area.
That's right, folks...today, courtesy of the Boston Red Sox win over the Toronto Blue Jays last night, is the first day of Yankee-Free Baseball! Victory over the Yankees Day! The day the New York Yankees were Mathematically Eliminated from playoff contention!
Aren't you a Blue Jays fan?
Yes, but since the Jays were mathematically eliminated Sunday night, I was perfectly willing to take this one for the team. My real team being anybody with any sense whatsoever who hates the Yankees and the very concept of Steinbrenner Ball. The best team 209 million dollars can buy falls short, and by a not-entirely close margin. Apparently, 209 million dollars isn't enough to buy a pitching staff. If you're having trouble figuring out what else to do with 209 million dollars, here's an interesting fact. You can go to Wendy's and buy a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger for the entire populations of the following states:
And you'd still have enough money left over to buy A-Rod a month's worth of lap dances at his favorite Toronto club.
As a special treat for The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, I've found a Yankee tribute video that shows some of our fondest moments at Yankee Stadium. Enjoy, everybody!
What exactly is V-Y Day? I'm not aware of any mid-to-late September bank holidays.
V-Y Day is the most glorious day of the year for most of the people outside the greater New York City area, and roughly half the people IN the greater New York City Area.
That's right, folks...today, courtesy of the Boston Red Sox win over the Toronto Blue Jays last night, is the first day of Yankee-Free Baseball! Victory over the Yankees Day! The day the New York Yankees were Mathematically Eliminated from playoff contention!
Aren't you a Blue Jays fan?
Yes, but since the Jays were mathematically eliminated Sunday night, I was perfectly willing to take this one for the team. My real team being anybody with any sense whatsoever who hates the Yankees and the very concept of Steinbrenner Ball. The best team 209 million dollars can buy falls short, and by a not-entirely close margin. Apparently, 209 million dollars isn't enough to buy a pitching staff. If you're having trouble figuring out what else to do with 209 million dollars, here's an interesting fact. You can go to Wendy's and buy a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger for the entire populations of the following states:
- Arizona
- Indiana
- Massachusetts
- Washington
- Virginia
- New Jersey
- North Carolina
- Georgia
- Michigan
- Ohio
- Pennsylvania
- Illinois
- Florida
- New York
- Texas
- California
And you'd still have enough money left over to buy A-Rod a month's worth of lap dances at his favorite Toronto club.
As a special treat for The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, I've found a Yankee tribute video that shows some of our fondest moments at Yankee Stadium. Enjoy, everybody!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Slapface!
"There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague." Dwight Schrute; Dunder Mifflin
YAAAAYYY! OFFICE! It's finally...wait...it's not here yet. You're a couple days early.
I know. The season doesn't start until Thursday, and it's too late to start a Theme Week, but I have a couple extra Office quotes laying around for use as Sametime Statuses, so I figured I'd start celebrating a little early.
As part of the celebration, here's Jim demonstrating the newest Olympic Sport:
YAAAAYYY! OFFICE! It's finally...wait...it's not here yet. You're a couple days early.
I know. The season doesn't start until Thursday, and it's too late to start a Theme Week, but I have a couple extra Office quotes laying around for use as Sametime Statuses, so I figured I'd start celebrating a little early.
As part of the celebration, here's Jim demonstrating the newest Olympic Sport:
Monday, September 22, 2008
I imagined I got lots of points
Who else had Ronnie Brown on their fantasy team?
I did...but it's an imaginary fantasy team. Does that count?
Having a fantasy team barely counts, let alone having a fantasy fantasy team. For some bizarre reason, I felt it to be noteworthy that I actually started Ronnie Brown for yesterday's game, and he ran amok. Ran for 4 touchdowns and threw for another, for a stupendous total of over 49 points, as evidenced here:
Awe yeah.
And this gets you what exactly?
The satisfaction of knowing I did my best! Which is more than I can say for the woman in this video:
I did...but it's an imaginary fantasy team. Does that count?
Having a fantasy team barely counts, let alone having a fantasy fantasy team. For some bizarre reason, I felt it to be noteworthy that I actually started Ronnie Brown for yesterday's game, and he ran amok. Ran for 4 touchdowns and threw for another, for a stupendous total of over 49 points, as evidenced here:
Awe yeah.
And this gets you what exactly?
The satisfaction of knowing I did my best! Which is more than I can say for the woman in this video:
Friday, September 19, 2008
Testing
1 = P of P P that P P P
And this has what to do with hockey?
Nothing! Not a Theme Week! Only two hockey Statuses this week.
Even though NHL training camps start today?
Yes. I actively decided not to mention NHL training camps starting today due to the fact that I've already had a couple Hockey-related items going on this week. So you get this puzzle instead.
In fact, I'm pondering another brain teaser week involving letter and number puzzles like this. So we'll gauge the response and see what we end up with.
Sounds exciting.
It's only half as exciting as a "Stand-Down" which is going on at work today in which we all do precisely zero work, but instead sit in meetings all day to look at charts. It's going to be grand!
And this has what to do with hockey?
Nothing! Not a Theme Week! Only two hockey Statuses this week.
Even though NHL training camps start today?
Yes. I actively decided not to mention NHL training camps starting today due to the fact that I've already had a couple Hockey-related items going on this week. So you get this puzzle instead.
In fact, I'm pondering another brain teaser week involving letter and number puzzles like this. So we'll gauge the response and see what we end up with.
Sounds exciting.
It's only half as exciting as a "Stand-Down" which is going on at work today in which we all do precisely zero work, but instead sit in meetings all day to look at charts. It's going to be grand!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Don't even do this...seriously
Yo, yo, this is the life. Give me open land and a big ol' knife to get some bear, deer, even a snake. I light me a fire, do the shake and bake. I say yo, yo, I'm a cowboy now.
And this has what to do with hockey?
Contrary to popular belief, I'm not doing a Hockey theme week this week. You get treated to something much much worse. The above lyrics.
It's almost like a Kid Rock song, but not.
Believe it or not, it's actually worse.
I can't imagine a world where that exists.
Well, there is a very good reason for this. Back in the 90's, a highly scientific poll was conducted over The Interwebz to determine what people wanted to hear in music, and conversely what they didn't want to hear.
The data for what people didn't want to hear in a song was all piled together in one big horrific symphony of awful, which statistically speaking would appeal to approximately 200 people in the world. It's a ridiculous hodgepodge of crap, containing elements such as Opera, Rap, Cowboys, Oom-Pah Tubas, Holiday Music, Commercial Jingles, and the bane of my personal existence, Children's Choirs.
Strictly speaking, the song is absolutely hilarious because it's so bad. Moreso than simply the elements listed above, it contains Opera singers Rapping, Children's Choirs singing Commercial Jingles, A woman screaming Political Rhetoric over a megaphone...it really is simply too awful for words. What you need is audio.
So, if you have 20 minutes to kill today (Yes, this appalling piece of flotsam is 20 minutes long), click on the following link which has an audio stream embedded on the page, and have this on as your background music at work today. You won't exactly be "Glad" you did, but you'll at least be more informed.
"The Most Unwanted Music"
As an added bonus, I found the LYRICS if you want to sing along.
And this has what to do with hockey?
Contrary to popular belief, I'm not doing a Hockey theme week this week. You get treated to something much much worse. The above lyrics.
It's almost like a Kid Rock song, but not.
Believe it or not, it's actually worse.
I can't imagine a world where that exists.
Well, there is a very good reason for this. Back in the 90's, a highly scientific poll was conducted over The Interwebz to determine what people wanted to hear in music, and conversely what they didn't want to hear.
The data for what people didn't want to hear in a song was all piled together in one big horrific symphony of awful, which statistically speaking would appeal to approximately 200 people in the world. It's a ridiculous hodgepodge of crap, containing elements such as Opera, Rap, Cowboys, Oom-Pah Tubas, Holiday Music, Commercial Jingles, and the bane of my personal existence, Children's Choirs.
Strictly speaking, the song is absolutely hilarious because it's so bad. Moreso than simply the elements listed above, it contains Opera singers Rapping, Children's Choirs singing Commercial Jingles, A woman screaming Political Rhetoric over a megaphone...it really is simply too awful for words. What you need is audio.
So, if you have 20 minutes to kill today (Yes, this appalling piece of flotsam is 20 minutes long), click on the following link which has an audio stream embedded on the page, and have this on as your background music at work today. You won't exactly be "Glad" you did, but you'll at least be more informed.
"The Most Unwanted Music"
As an added bonus, I found the LYRICS if you want to sing along.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
And all was right with the world
I feel a lot better today. I got to watch hockey last night.
Uhmm...so this is two consecutive days of hockey-related Sametime Statuses. That's pretty weak sauce.
I know...but I was really quite excited about getting to watch hockey last night that I just had to share it with you.
Fine then...but the NHL season doesn't start until October 4th. What exactly were you watching?
It was something of an NHL game. Technically, it's called a "Prospects Game" where the future LA Kings took on the future Phoenix Coyotes. Incidentally, the Kings won 2-1.
Go Kings!
So to make up for the fact that I do have 2 hockey Messages in a row, here's Ninja Cat:
Uhmm...so this is two consecutive days of hockey-related Sametime Statuses. That's pretty weak sauce.
I know...but I was really quite excited about getting to watch hockey last night that I just had to share it with you.
Fine then...but the NHL season doesn't start until October 4th. What exactly were you watching?
It was something of an NHL game. Technically, it's called a "Prospects Game" where the future LA Kings took on the future Phoenix Coyotes. Incidentally, the Kings won 2-1.
Go Kings!
So to make up for the fact that I do have 2 hockey Messages in a row, here's Ninja Cat:
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Good Luck, Jeremy!
I am the New Head Coach of the Bulgarian Women's Ice Hockey Team!
What brought on this phantom career change?
Well apparently, I'm supposed to post this news story in the blag:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
Or this one:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
Or maybe it was this:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
Oh yeah...there was this one:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
Or perhaps this:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
People apparently seem to think you're a hockey fan or something.
So it would seem. So there you have it, folks. I've posted about the Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team. Enjoy!
What brought on this phantom career change?
Well apparently, I'm supposed to post this news story in the blag:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
Or this one:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
Or maybe it was this:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
Oh yeah...there was this one:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
Or perhaps this:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
People apparently seem to think you're a hockey fan or something.
So it would seem. So there you have it, folks. I've posted about the Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team. Enjoy!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Guess I'll go back to ironing the old-fashioned way
My dreams of Steamroller Ownership have been dashed.
Awwe....somebody bought the steamroller?
It certainly looks that way. If you remember A Little While Back, I contemplated buying a steamroller simply because it was for sale on my way in to work. Well, the steamroller itself is no longer there, but the "For Sale" sign is still stuck to the tree. This could mean a number of things. Maybe the Steamroller is still for sale, and just got moved inside due to weather concerns, the owner simply forgot to take the For Sale sign down, or now, the tree is for sale.
You should offer to buy the tree.
I don't have room in my car for a tree. I'd have to borrow somebody's truck or something...not to mention a shovel to dig it up out of the ground. I imagine it weighs a couple tons, too.
So in order to cheer myself up, I decided to post this montage of people getting hit in the face with exercise balls. Enjoy!
Awwe....somebody bought the steamroller?
It certainly looks that way. If you remember A Little While Back, I contemplated buying a steamroller simply because it was for sale on my way in to work. Well, the steamroller itself is no longer there, but the "For Sale" sign is still stuck to the tree. This could mean a number of things. Maybe the Steamroller is still for sale, and just got moved inside due to weather concerns, the owner simply forgot to take the For Sale sign down, or now, the tree is for sale.
You should offer to buy the tree.
I don't have room in my car for a tree. I'd have to borrow somebody's truck or something...not to mention a shovel to dig it up out of the ground. I imagine it weighs a couple tons, too.
So in order to cheer myself up, I decided to post this montage of people getting hit in the face with exercise balls. Enjoy!
Friday, September 12, 2008
I believe it's spelled "Skool"
That’s so old-school, the techniques for modern-school construction won’t be invented for two thousand years.
I like it. Where'd it come from?
This, I believe, is the first appearance of Dromeciomimus in the Blag. She's one of the characters in the whimsical webcomic Dinosaur Comics. This quote came as a bit of a surprise, as she's not usually known for giving T-Rex this amount of sass.
Her explanation does clear the way for the remarkably wise Utahraptor to detail the origins of the riddle, however.
Speaking of wisdom. There's not a lot to be had in this recent news story:
I like it. Where'd it come from?
This, I believe, is the first appearance of Dromeciomimus in the Blag. She's one of the characters in the whimsical webcomic Dinosaur Comics. This quote came as a bit of a surprise, as she's not usually known for giving T-Rex this amount of sass.
Her explanation does clear the way for the remarkably wise Utahraptor to detail the origins of the riddle, however.
Speaking of wisdom. There's not a lot to be had in this recent news story:
Thursday, September 11, 2008
More fiery death
I'm not sure how comfortable I am putting batteries named "IGNITE" near my grill.
Isn't that what you want grills to do? They do cook stuff, you know.
The grill is supposed to ignite, yes, but it's not supposed to ignite everything in the vicinity. I like my grill flames to be largely contained within the grill so as to not set the world on fire.
So, you may remember Not Long Ago, I told you all about getting a new grill thermometer with a wireless transmitter. Well, I got to play around with it yesterday, and that means installing the batteries. Needless to say at this point, the batteries that came with the thermometer were from the incredibly popular world-famous brand "IGNITE". If the transmitter goes up in flames the first time I use my grill, I'm going to be quite upset.
Speaking of upset...are you sad that the world didn't end?
Not really. I like it here. So, even though the Large Hadron Collider didn't destroy the world, we still should not rest on out laurels. There are still many atom-smashing experiments to go, and let's also not forget the ever-looming threat of Bird Flu. Here's a reminder:
Isn't that what you want grills to do? They do cook stuff, you know.
The grill is supposed to ignite, yes, but it's not supposed to ignite everything in the vicinity. I like my grill flames to be largely contained within the grill so as to not set the world on fire.
So, you may remember Not Long Ago, I told you all about getting a new grill thermometer with a wireless transmitter. Well, I got to play around with it yesterday, and that means installing the batteries. Needless to say at this point, the batteries that came with the thermometer were from the incredibly popular world-famous brand "IGNITE". If the transmitter goes up in flames the first time I use my grill, I'm going to be quite upset.
Speaking of upset...are you sad that the world didn't end?
Not really. I like it here. So, even though the Large Hadron Collider didn't destroy the world, we still should not rest on out laurels. There are still many atom-smashing experiments to go, and let's also not forget the ever-looming threat of Bird Flu. Here's a reminder:
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
But that's where I keep all my stuff!
The world may or may not end today. Thought you’d like to know.
I don't get it. You ran a Theme Week a while back about the end of the world, but today wasn't one of the days that was predicted. Is there a mistake?
Not exactly. The "End Of The World Week" was based on half-baked predictions of The End Of The World As We Know It (referred to as TEOTWAWKI Startlingly Often), whereas today's message deals with something happening today that may destroy the world.
People are actively trying to destroy the world?
More appropriate to say that today, people are trying SCIENCE! Today is the day that the Large Hadron Collider, deep underground in Switzerland and France, gets fired up to full power in the first experiment of its kind to hopefully locate the elusive Higgs Boson.
That sounds like a bad clown name.
Perhaps, but in the very basis of particle physics, the one thing that has gone missing for quite some time is a portion of the atom that causes something to have mass. Also, researches are hoping to learn more about the relative asymmetry between matter and antimatter, as well as determine the nature of Dark Matter. It's all quite exciting.
Okay...but why will this thingamajobbie cause the end of the world?
Some people have theorized that the planned experiments and extraordinarily high-energy atomic collisions created within the Collider are capable of producing Black Holes. Those tend to be bad things and would suck up all matter in the surrounding area (Read: Solar System) and compress it into dark matter with the weight of a thousand suns...or so.
Wow...all sorta interesting stuff. But it's tough to really grasp it all. You know what would help? If this information was all available in easy-to-digest jaunty rap form.
Well then, you're in luck! Will Barras, MC Hawking, and Kate McAlpine are here to help:
If you'd like to help with this monumental research project, you can contribute your computer's unused processing power to the cause. Visit LHC@Home for more info.
I don't get it. You ran a Theme Week a while back about the end of the world, but today wasn't one of the days that was predicted. Is there a mistake?
Not exactly. The "End Of The World Week" was based on half-baked predictions of The End Of The World As We Know It (referred to as TEOTWAWKI Startlingly Often), whereas today's message deals with something happening today that may destroy the world.
People are actively trying to destroy the world?
More appropriate to say that today, people are trying SCIENCE! Today is the day that the Large Hadron Collider, deep underground in Switzerland and France, gets fired up to full power in the first experiment of its kind to hopefully locate the elusive Higgs Boson.
That sounds like a bad clown name.
Perhaps, but in the very basis of particle physics, the one thing that has gone missing for quite some time is a portion of the atom that causes something to have mass. Also, researches are hoping to learn more about the relative asymmetry between matter and antimatter, as well as determine the nature of Dark Matter. It's all quite exciting.
Okay...but why will this thingamajobbie cause the end of the world?
Some people have theorized that the planned experiments and extraordinarily high-energy atomic collisions created within the Collider are capable of producing Black Holes. Those tend to be bad things and would suck up all matter in the surrounding area (Read: Solar System) and compress it into dark matter with the weight of a thousand suns...or so.
Wow...all sorta interesting stuff. But it's tough to really grasp it all. You know what would help? If this information was all available in easy-to-digest jaunty rap form.
Well then, you're in luck! Will Barras, MC Hawking, and Kate McAlpine are here to help:
If you'd like to help with this monumental research project, you can contribute your computer's unused processing power to the cause. Visit LHC@Home for more info.
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