Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Not going to waste a good Blag post either

I’d rather not spend a good Sametime Status on the 3 people working today.


Happy Thanksgiving from "Jeremy Is In The Office"!


So it's finally Thanksgiving, the time when we celebrate pilgrims and turkeys. Or, for the Canadians among the Most Intelligent Readership In The World, we celebrate Martin Frobisher failing to find the Northwest Passage. I'm actually not making that up.

So folks, take the rest of the week off from Blag Reading, enjoy the mashed potatoes, football and Tryptophan hangover, then come back on monday ready to finish up the year with the Sametime Statusey goodness you've come to expect.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Password Day, Part 197585

It’s Password Day! My email password is no longer s1llym0nk3y.


Awwe...who doesn't love monkeys?


Me, for one.


Traumatized by a childhood poo-flinging incident?


Nope. I have nothing against monkeys, per se...I just generally speaking don't find them amusing. Back in grade school, you get to read lots and lots of references to zoos and circuses (Circii?) in text books. Most of them refer to how people's favourite part of the aforementioned zoo or circus is the monkeys. I never understood that. These experiences left me with an overly optimistic expectation of monkeys when I did go to the zoo...and invariably, they'd let me down. Stupid monkeys.


They didn't jump around enough for you?


Most of the time, they didn't do anything for me. People would have to explain to me that the tire was in the monkey pen for them to play with, since it was just sitting there not being played with. The trees were for the monkeys to swing around and be silly with...but when I saw them, they'd just be sitting around staring back at me.


You're pretty bad at making up childhood trauma stories, you know?


Also, the friggin' Polar Bear was never swimming.

Friday, November 21, 2008

I told him I was going to do this.

Pay up, Anonymous Co-Worker!!!


Yeah, you anonymous co-worker...where's Jeremy's money? Wait....it's not me is it?


Maybe it is. So, to that anonymous co-worker out there who owes me money from lunch yesterday...you know who you are...fork over the dough.


What if some other co-worker isn't sure?


Today's Sametime Status is a blanket message to all of my co-workers that if you owe me money, now would be a time to pay it back. If you're a co-worker, and you're not sure if you're indebted to me or not...better to be safe than sorry, right?


I'm not even sure at this point if anybody should be doing this...but good luck with it.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The measurement systems...

I have always been intrigued by international things: the women, the pancakes, the Man of Mystery. Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin


Ah, that nutty Michael Scott's at it again.


He certainly is...and tonight, loyal readers, is the night we've all been waiting for. Toby returns to Scranton!!!


Woohoo! Toby!


Let's celebrate the only way we know how...by watching bears playing hockey!!!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Sit...Stay

In a bit of Revisionist History, Ubu had to be put down after attacking the mailman.


This is horrifying. I will have no part in this.


We all know Ubu, the lovable Frisbee-playing scamp of a chocolate lab who popped up at the end of our favourite sitcoms in the 90s:


What you may not know is the more tragic tale of Ubu's puppyhood fame and subsequent downward spiral due to an alleged catnip addiction. The end came in an unfortunate series of events, as our hero was going through what one might describe as withdrawal symptoms, and the mailman was more ornery than usual...it was Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Day. The ensuing scuffle cost the mailman the use of his left pinky, and poor Ubu his life.


I'll prepare the court papers...


Here's a fun bit of trivia. The voice you hear in the above video is in fact not Ubu.


Your use of the word "fact" is troubling.


The bark is actually supplied by famous voice-actor Phydeaux LeBlanc, a Golden Retriever from Quebec most renowned for his performance on that Christmas Barking Dogs CD you see on Infomercials around the holidays.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Today's post goes right down the pan...

Auto-Flushing Commodes. The Newest Advance in Sanitation Technology, or a Cutthroat Self-Fulfilling Business Prophecy? Discuss.


Clearly, having self-flushing facilities merely serves to increase the cleanliness. Sometimes there are inconsiderate people who don't take the half a second to flush and just leave by-products sitting around in an un-sanitary fashion. Having these things taken care of automatically can only serve to better the area.


From the business side, some company, let's call it "Sanicorp" created the auto-flushing mechanism, and installed it in a handful of facilities. Yes, the sanitation level went up a bit, but it also brings out the laziness in people. In typical fashion, people get a sense of entitlement, and now grow to expect the john to be flushed for them and get into the habit of just walking away and leaving the cleaning up to science. At this point, the facilities with the auto-flushers maintain an expected level of cleanliness, while the ones without begin to suffer, as the following chart clearly shows:


Where did you get that data?


What's important to note is that facilities owners will see this same data and come to the inescapable conclusion that the only way to properly maintain clean facilities is to install the auto-flushing mechanism, forcing them to purchase more of "Sanicorp's" product.

Friday, November 14, 2008

For the record, I didn't hear any honking

Stupid Bumper Sticker of the Day: Honk If You’ve Got A Badonk-A-Donk


That's pretty bad...why would anyone have that?


Apparently, they only like to hear people honking if they have large butts. I wish I had an explanation for this, but a relationship between rear end size and driving ability completely escapes me.


You can see the road better if you're sitting higher...


It's probably not a coincidence that this Mensa-level sticker was on the same bumper as a New York Yankees sticker.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Home used to be where you hung your hat, but nobody hangs hats anymore.

I just don't want my employees thinking their jobs depend on performance. I mean, what kind of place is that to call home? Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin


Alright! Office tonight! When is Toby coming back?


I'm not sure, but I hope it's soon. Now that Holly's been transferred, our friends don't have an HR rep anymore.


So about yesterday's thing?


I've decided to hold the game over until tomorrow to let people come up with a few more words. People should have the opportunity to catch Lightning in a bottle and provide everyone else with Glimpses into their brilliance. So keep thinking of those words and keep the emails, Blag comments and IM's Pouring in!

In the meantime...here's something cool and nerdy:

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Interactive Status!

If A=1, B=2, C=3...Z=26, spell out a word that equals 100.


There are hundreds of them.


That's what makes today's Sametime Status so much fun! You can sit there as you go through your day and come up with new ideas and post them here. Amaze your friends...or random strangers on the Interwebs, as the case may be. The person who comes up with the most words wins the satisfaction of knowing you did your best.


You certainly do your best to come up with great prizes.


This public service brought to you by Jeremy Is In The Office, a wholly owned subsidiary of Miracle Posting, Incorporated.


If it's a good post, it's a Miracle!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Stop With Camel Time

As much as I hate Christmas music this time of year, I’m willing to make an exception for "Snoopy vs. The Red Baron."


Well, now that Hallowe'en is over, we're pretty much knee-deep in Christmas time now. Hope you didn't miss planning for Thanksgiving back in June. So who was playing Christmas music?


So the workers in the adorably tiny cafeteria thing at work have an equally adorably tiny CD player that they play during the day. They have a very eclectic mix of tunes they play ranging from Broadway to Big Band to 80's music and even surfer rock. It's all very mild and quite often gets an old song stuck in my head the rest of the morning. The other day, they were playing "Snoopy vs. The Red Baron."


Bold choice.


While Snoopy vs the Red Baron may itself not be Christmas Music, I'm quite familiar with the album, and knew pretty instantly that the final climactic showdown between Snoopy and Manfred von Richthofen occurs on Christmas morning. Spoiler Alert, since we know the real Red Baron was not shot down by a Beagle in a flying doghouse, and because it's a Children's story, neither character gets killed and they fly off their separate ways to continue their saga.


And you know this because...?


I know this because I used to have the record...and it may in fact still exist somewhere.


What's a record?


In hindsight, I probably should have taken a little better care of the record now that I know That It's Selling For $80 On Amazon. Frig.


Is it that good a record?


Absolutely not. The dulcet (read: Dull) tones of The Royal Guardsmen with their formulaic "Let's add drama to the second verse by changing the pitch up by a step" music combine with some of the worst voice acting since "Steamboat Willie" (I actually didn't realize until years later that the guy was supposed to be characterizing different people) to create pure aural crap that must have thrilled my parents to no end when I played it over and over and over and over and over.

But that doesn't matter...it's Snoopy!

Of course, later in life, I downloaded mp3 versions of all of the tracks and continue to enjoy them to this day. To be even more honest...after I heard it playing in the cafeteria, I came back to my office and listened to the entire saga on my computer. Life is good. Who wants some egg nog?

Monday, November 10, 2008

It totally blew my mind!

Has anyone else noticed that Speed 6 on a Dremel rotary tool is perfectly in tune with "Re-Education Through Labor" by Rise Against?


Psh...I can't believe you're just NOW noticing this. It's pretty common knowledge.


Be that as it may, I only learned this recently. I was doing some sanding, and had the radio on. "Re-Education Through Labor" comes on, and as I started singing along to "To the rhythm of a time bomb ticking away" I realized that the background vocals for "away" were in the exact same pitch as my rotary. It pleased me to the point that I stopped doing my work to email myself today's Sametime Status.


Nice mention of Time Bombs in the Blag. I'd like to welcome our new "Patriot Act" friends from the FBI to today's post.


It seems only fitting to add the CIA to The Most Intelligent Readership In The World.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Good Morning!!

Nothing says “Good Morning” quite like falling down the stairs.


First day with the new feet?


So it would seem that walking down a flight of stairs in a morning stupor while carrying a laptop bag with a hanging shoulder strap should be done cautiously.


It IS Fall, you know...


In fact, I'm not even sure why this hasn't happened before. The potential has been there for quite some time. All you have to do is step on the strap and just like that, you've lost control and are launching yourself down the stairs.


Is there anything I can do to make your trip more comfortable?


Fortunately, I'd left the door at the end of the steps open, so I just took a couple extra steps through there instead of splattering myself all over the door. It probably doesn't say much for me that the first thought I had at the end of this frightening second and a half ordeal was, "Hey...this will make a good Sametime Status!"

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Vote Baby!

If a baby were President there would be no taxes, there would be no war, there would be no government, and things could get terrible. It would actually be a better screenplay idea than a suggestion. Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin


Still going on about the election, I see.


I needed an Office quote for tonight, and this Scottism from a recent episode seemed to fit the bill. It started out so innocently and positive...then turned somber...and finally went right back to Michael's dream of being a screenplay writer. I believe the hero secret service agent would be Agent Michael Scarn...played by Michael Scott.


Alright...so that's that. What else is good?


Good is a relative term. There's a relatively new Interwebz meme going around where people rewrite song lyrics to quite literally describe what's happening in the video. Often, they make light of strange locations, clothes, and the art direction of the video. It's not all that amusing, to be perfectly honest...but when somebody Rickrolled the Literal Video concept, I felt it needed to be shared. Enjoy!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

So what's new in the world?

"How would you like it if, at your job, every time you made the slightest mistake a little red light went on over your head and 18,000 people stood up and screamed at you?" - Jacques Plante.


Ahh...the life of an NHL goalie. But seriously...this is the best you've got today?


Well, the entire internetz is most likely going to be flooded with blogizens voicing their opinions on yesterday's news, so if you want to read about that, there should be plenty of sources. Most people come here for mindless drivel and otherwise useless crap.


Fortunately, crap is your specialty.


Exactly! For example...hilarious clips from foreign game shows:


As an additional hockey note, if you happen to work from home, be sure to check out The Price Is Right this morning for a special hockey-themed showcase featuring several members of the Los Angeles Kings.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Do your civic duty!

Today is your last chance to Vote Jeremy!!!


This is your platform of promising not to run for reelection, right?


Exactly! I don't promise to lower taxes or raise benefits for retired veterans of roadkill removal or protect the country from the lingering threat of Bird Flu. My only campaign promise to you, the voting public, is that I will never call your house during dinner or post millions of ugly plastic signs everywhere, or waste the last year of my administration to get reelected...simply because I'm not going to try to get reelected. I will do my job for whatever term length is in whatever office you vote me into. If you elect me president, you will get 4 years of president, Senate is 6 years, House is 2 years (See, Mr. Hayden? I did learn something in your history class other than "Abe Lincoln stood six foot three." You'd have to know Mr. Hayden to get that joke, BTW).


So I understand you have another message for your future constituency.


Indeed I do. I have but one request as you all head out to your polling places to cast your ballot. Know something. Know anything...even if it's trivial, or if it's only one thing...but for the love of all things good and plenty, know SOMETHING. In your voting machine, you will have choices on a number of elections. If you've never heard of any of the people in any given election...don't vote in that election. Don't vote all democratic because you claim to be ion favour of democracy, or all republican because you like guns.

If you only vote because of somebody's stand on one single issue, that's fine. As long as you have an opinion. If you want to cancel out my vote for somebody because the other person likes something else you're in favour of, have at it. That's what we have democracy for. But don't cancel out my vote because somebody's name looks more appealing to you the very first time you ever lay eyes on it inside the ugly blue curtain.

Monday, November 3, 2008

I never get these...

License Plate: DARTHTSM. You get to tell me what it means!


You're pretty bad at license plates.


I prefer to think that some people are bad at making them. If it's supposed to be some inside joke that nobody will get but will amuse the heck out of you, it's probably not a good license plate. They need to be at least somewhat intuitive so that people driving behind you can read the plate and understand it rather than reading it 15 times as it gets closer, and their brain gets all wrapped up in trying to figure it out instead of realizing that they should be stopping. Half a second later, you're picking their bumper up out of your back seat. Good for you...you win the battle of wits, but you lose at life.


Is that what happened with our boy Darth here?


Thankfully, no. I noticed this one safely walking through a parking lot...but my brain immediately shut down and started to ponder what this was. Everybody knows about Darth's...and I like to think I'm at least reasonably familiar with Star Wars (I don't base my life on the teachings of Yoda or own a single Star Wars Lego Action Figure), and I know of Darth Maul and Darth Vader...but that's about it.

Darth Tism makes no sense...but then I thought maybe the guy likes to play darts, and he has Dart Hism...or maybe he thinks a Darthism is a wise quote from Darth Vader...but he didn't really say much that was interesting. Poor James Earl Jones just didn't have much to work with..."I find your lack of faith disturbing," and "I am your father," are pretty much it for famous Darth Quotes...hardly a tome worthy of it's own Noun, and there's an extra T to boot. So I leave it to you, The Most Intelligent Readership In The World...let me know what it means so I can get some sleep.


You may gain an hour of sleep Saturday night, but you turn it right back in Sunday night when you feel like going to bed at 9PM.