If I Win Powerball Tomorrow, I Will Too

People begrudge Mitt Romney for the same reason they love rappers.  Discuss

 Because he's a two-faced corporate sell-out who's great at saying other people's ideas are terrible without ever coming up with one of his own?  

I guess that's true, too...but I was more referring to the money.

As you're no doubt aware, 83% of hip-hop songs refer to the wealth of the artist.  He explains how he's rich and uses that money to influence women at dance clubs by purchasing expensive beverages.  He decorates himself with designer clothes and jewellery and drives around in an expensive car.  His close friends enjoy the benefits of having a wealthy associate.  Here is a short list of songs in the hip-hop genre that deal with this situation:

• Money Already Made - Chamillionaire
  
• Mo Money Mo Problems - Biggy
  
• Money in the Bank - Lil Scrappy
  
• Money in the Bank - Swizz Beats
  
• Money in the Bank - 50 Cent  (I see we're really getting creative with the titles here)
  
  
• Still n' Luv Wit my Money - Paul Wall & Chamillionaire
  
• Like Money - Three 6 Mafia featuring The Game
  
• Big Money Heavy Weight - Big Tymers
  
• Got Cha Money - ODB
  
• Money Didn't Change Me - Three 6 Mafia
  
• In Money We Trust - Bun B
  
• Get That Money - Birdman and Lil Wayne
  
• Dynamite - Taio Cruz

I'm sure the list goes on, but I'm pretty sure you get my point. These are all popular songs.  They've certainly sold millions of copies in order to furnish the lavish lifestyle enjoyed by the artists mentioned, if the lyrics are to be believed.  Whether those lyrics are accurate of course, is questionable...for example, in the case of Locomotive Curt.  They are popular despite the fact that wealth and extravagance is being waved in our faces.  

The opposite seems to the case with 2012 Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who also happens to be exceedingly wealthy.  While he's not hitting the clubs or flashing bling, he has explained to people how his friends own NASCAR teams and that his wife drives multiple Cadillacs.  No word on whether any of those cars are rolling on dubs or not.  He's doing the same things that some of the most favored hip-hop artists are, and he's not revered for it, but reviled.  The media (and Jon Stewart) are quick to jump on these quotes of his, explaining how he's out of touch with reality by being so rich.  There seems to be a bit of a double standard here.  

I'd be interested in seeing if these talking points would remain valid if, say, 50 Cent were to run for president, or if Mitt Romney were to put out a rap album.  Somebody needs to make both of these things happen. 

Don't Ask About Raisins

To finally put the burning question to bed, yes it’s possible to injure yourself with an orange

Oh yes.  That was really keeping me up at night.  But, just to clarify, you injured yourself with an orange what?

Not an orange thing...an orange.  The citrus-ey fruit.

Moron.  How did you manage this?  Did you throw the thing as high as you could, let it drop on your head and give yourself a concussion?  That's not the recommended way to eat an orange.  

I was just trying to peel it.

With a jackhammer?

With my hands.  

I was starting to peel my orange, and everybody knows that the hardest part of peeling an orange is starting it.  The first time you have to break through the skin, just about anything can and does happen.  You can break a fingernail, or shoot orange juice into your eye, or in my case, you can break traction.

See, the coefficient of friction on an orange peel is fairly low.  It's exactly mid-way between egg shell and avocado, for those of you who are data-oriented.  

That's not real data.

So when you're applying enough force to break through the rind, you have to be very careful not to lose your grip on the orange.  If you do, the force you are applying turns very quickly (Nothing in physics happens instantly) into kinetic energy, sending your finger careening towards your other hand.  Upon impact, your fingernail turns into a 9-iron, carving a nice divot out of your knuckle.  This hurts, but not nearly as bad as it's about to when you get the aforementioned orange juice into your new open wound.  Fortunately, your first instinct, as with many injuries, is to suck on your now-painful finger.  This is fortunate not because of the medicinal properties of saliva, but because you have orange juice on your finger, and it tastes delicious.  

Too Many Great Ideas

I think movie theaters should refuse to serve snacks for screenings of “The Hunger Games”

Unless you can prove you're from a capitol district?

That's a pretty good idea, too.  The way I see it, theaters can have any number of promotions when it comes to the new film "The Hunger Games" based on the best-selling book trilogy.  None of them are likely to catch on because people don't have enough of a sense of humor when it comes to this sort of thing, but I'm willing to share my ideas with you here.

 First, there's the no snacks idea, so everybody coming to the theater to see this movie, which is basically "Mad Max Beyond Twilight," has to go hungry.  It would fit into the mood of hunger and austerity endured by residents of District 12, as described at great length.  This won't happen because the theaters would lose some unholy amount of money by not charging $5 for a bag of popcorn that costs them no more than 35 cents to make.  At least they offer you free refills if you upgrade to the extra large trough of popcorn.  (Add an "Abyss Boy" Soda for only $6 more!)   Five free Internets to the first person who recognizes that reference.  

I have other ideas.  In keeping with the spirit of the Game Makers from the book, here's an alternate plan I like to call the "Game Maker's Room."  What you do is add a separate glass-walled enclosure to the theater in which there are no screaming children, guests are searched for cell phones upon arrival, the screen is bigger, the sound is better, and the seats are more comfortable.  In the regular theater, you tear out the comfy chairs, encourage texting during the screening, hire a dozen or so kids to cry, scream, and throw crap around the theater during the film and at least once every 15 minutes, have the projector break down.  Charge standard admission prices for the regular theater, $75 for a ticket to the "Game Maker's Room", and concurrently, give away one "Game Maker's Room" ticket per showing to the guest who wins a 24-person American-Gladiators-Style platform jousting competition.  Heck, you can even charge to enter the jousting competition.  I know I'd be in line. 

Finally, there's my "Cornucopia" idea.  Force everybody to stand in line for at least 6 hours prior to entering the theater, with no access to food or drink.  (Bathroom access is allowed)  When the theater doors open (At the exact same time as the film's opening sequence), have a large table at the front of the the theater with a large spread of foods and beverages.  The resulting onslaught and rush to seats while the movie plays would be akin to a Holiday Episode of Jerry Springer.

Creeping Close To Coen Brothers Territory

Just when you think Michael Bay couldn’t go any further, he decides to ruin the Ninja Turtles, too

 Everyone knows he destroyed the Transformers, but how exactly is Michael Bay ruining the Turtles?

Right you are.  In the quest for the almighty ridiculously large Box Office Payday, Michael Bay has sunk so low as to make three new Transformers movies, and there are unholy rumors of a fourth to come out in 2014.  (The same rumors suggest that Shia LeBeouf won't be back for that one, so it's at least got THAT going for it)  How this is even possible despite the deafening sucking sound made by the second and third is beyond me.  Apparently, though, Bay decided he had more childhoods to ruin, so he set out on a path to find a new hero or set of heroes to destroy.  He alit upon the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  

Everyone knows the Turtles.  Mutated anthropomorphic turtles who learn the ways of the ninja through the teachings of Hamato Yoshi, himself mutated into a giant rat known as Splinter.  Well, in Michael Bay's world, the Turtles may in fact be aliens in a reboot of the entire original backstory.  I imagine there will also be a terrible script, a weak "rising star" lead actor with an unrealistically hot girlfriend (maybe April O'Neill will be played by Esti Ginzburg or something), and lots of explosions.  Lots and lots of explosions.  

This has been another edition of Jeremy Is In The Theatre

Oh come on!  You can not review this movie now  It's not even filming yet!

Yeah, but this is about as close to seeing this movie that I want to get, so it'll have to do. 

Math Is Everywhere!

Open windows + 5:30AM + Garbage Truck = Alarm Clock

At least the weather has been nice enough that you got to leave the windows open all night.

That's true enough, I suppose.  I should just learn not to do that on garbage day.  The truck comes along awfully early.  Now, technically, my issue wasn't the garbage truck, but the recycling.  That's the one that comes long and has all the empty bottles and cans getting dumped into it, clanking and smashing, followed by the truck driving to the next house.  I also think they need to drive that thing more efficiently than flooring it along in first gear, because they charge me a "fuel surcharge" on my bill.  That goes back to a couple years ago when gas was over $4.50 per gallon, and strangely enough, it never went away when gas prices fell.  Granted, gas is now back over $4, so it still won't be going away anytime soon. 

Regardless, the garbage truck waking me up at 5:30 in the morning sucks right out loud.  It's all a pretty simple mathematical relationship, you see.   Open Windows + 5:30AM + Garbage Truck = Alarm clock.  And when Alarm Clock = 5:30AM, Jeremy = Cranky.  Therefore, by the transitive property, Open Windows + 5:30AM + Garbage Truck = Cranky Jeremy for positive values of Garbage Truck.

That doesn't even make sense.  That's assuming Open Windows is a negative value always equal to Garbage Truck.

Which, it can be!  The formula doesn't work unless the windows are open.  Then, I can't really hear Garbage Truck, and Alarm Clock != 5:30AM.

So then what is the value of Garbage Truck for all values of 5:30AM?  

One.  

Ahh, see now it makes sense.  Glad you cleared that up. 

This Seems Foreign To Me

Green Day should do a cover of Foreigner’s “Blue Morning, Blue Day”

Aside from making your little imaginary world a more whimsical place to be, why would they do this?

For the sheer amusement factor, of course.  I think they should make this project an Urgent priority.

You know...I think you did a Sametime Status message like this before, but I can't remember.  It still Feels Like The First Time.

I did do something like this not too long ago.  I fact, That Was Yesterday.

Yesterday was Sunday, you didn't have a Sametime Status.  I know because every day you don't have a Status makes me want to kill myself.  Basically, I Don't Want To Live Without You.

There's no need to get all Hot Blooded about this.  There's no need to get all Hot Blooded about this.

Weird...I read that line twice.  It's like I have Double Vision or something.

You should take your temperature.  If you're Cold As Ice, that could be indicative of a problem. 

I don't have a thermometer here.  I'm a Long, Long Way From Home.

Well, not to play Head Games with you, but I have to get back to work.  I'll be back tomorrow with more Sametimey Goodness.

Do you promise you'll have something tomorrow?  Say You Will.

Uhmm....I don't know how to segue into Juke Box Hero. 

Soon Followed By April Ambivalence and May Melancholy

But they always seem so happy when they’re playing basketball

Jeremy if, of course, referring to the NCAA basketball tournament, which, while it's sorta been going on for two days now, truly begins in earnest today. 

Right you are.  It seems to me that if it's called March Madness, that the people involved would at least appear to be mad, or sad at the very least.  Either way, the tournament starts today, and my pick to win it all, Murray State, has already won their first game.  Go Fightin'....uhmmm...what's their mascot?  

That would be the "Racers."

What kind of a mascot is a Racer for a basketball team?

That's not important right now.

Right again!  Anyway, since nobody is going to be paying attention tomorrow anyway, I'll be on vacation, so there will be no Sametime Status update until monday.  I know how Mad you all are about that, but apparently, it's the season. 

Mmmmm....Cherry

So when is “A La Mode” day?

I'm a little surprised at you, Jeremy.  Sellout.

Yeah, I know...I really shouldn't do that, but whatever.  So for those unawares, I was coerced into today's Sametime Status by a Loyal Reader who insisted I do something specifically for "Pi Day" because I occasionally post nerdy stuff on the Blag here.

Don't be so modest...you very often post nerdy stuff on here.

So despite my aversion to accepting input into my Sametime Statuses, I've allowed it for today only.  The main reason I avoid this sort of thing is financial, of course.  If today's Blag Entry ends up selling for millions, I don't want loyal readers everywhere claiming their, for lack of a better expression, slice of the pi.  

Regardless, today is March 14, known as "Pi Day" to people who write the date in the American fashion as 3/14, similar to the ratio of a circle's area to the square of its radius (Of course, that ratio being 3.141592653589...etc.  Yes, I typed that from memory...what up?).  I felt this was a good opportunity for not only some wordplay, but also a lesson on linguistics and history.

The phrase "A La Mode" is a french term used to refer to ice cream being placed on top of a dessert.

Thus ends the true part of this lecture...

 
Translating the original french gives us the expression, "of the Ice Cream," which makes perfect sense given how popular vanilla ice cream is in France.  They even have their own specific flavor, or Fashion, of it, but I forget what it's called.  You may recognize the french word "Mode" from the Fashionable electronic band "Depeche Mode" who ironically are an English group.  Early band members worked day jobs as ice cream truck drivers who would Fashion and then deliver, or "dispatch" ice cream, from which the name of the group "Depeche Mode" or "Ice Cream Dispatch" originated. 


Seriously, Jeremy...people are going to stop taking this stuff seriously.


 But as long as I'm having fun edutaining them, does that really matter?  

They're Pretty Ugly

How did people ever discover that potatoes were edible?

 Well, you take a bite of one, and if you don't get sick, you're in business.

I suppose that's true, but the fact remains...people eat some weird crap.  There are plenty of vegetables available at your local grocery store that you probably don't pay much mind to amid the standard fare of onions, peppers, bananas etc.  Some of these things look like they come from another planet.  

Horseradish is ridiculous.  There's the "Uniq Fruit" formerly known as "Ugli Fruit" before they changed the name because they didn't want the produce to feel bad about itself (or some giant citrus conglomerate trademarked the name "UGLI," I forget which).  Do yourself a Google for Romaneso, Mooli, or Celeriac.  I was also fairly recently introduced to the Hubbard Squash.  Why anybody would set eyes on these abominations and decide to put them in their mouth is beyond me. 

A lot of the strangest vegetables are in the Root family, which means they grow in the ground.  At some point in our human history, somebody not only had to find these things, but then dig them up and go to town on them.  I don't think I'd want to be the first cro-magnon who bit into a nice chunk of horseradish.  Or the one whose friends were jerks and convinced him that this dirty, rock-looking thing sitting on his plate was called a "potato" then laughed when he bit into the rock.  Man...cro-magnons were jerks. 

Squeeky Fun For All!

Pick Jeremy’s 12-5 Upset!  VCU, Long Beach State, Harvard, or the winner of the California/South Florida Play-In

It's that time of year again!  Time for Jeremy to dazzle us all with his ineptitude at picking winners of 67 college basketball games.  He's so bad, he's enlisting all of you for help.

 I'm not as bad as all that.  I do, in fact, know a couple things about the NCAA tournament, and I've even seen two games this year.  

And of those teams that you saw, how many of them made it to the final 68?

Well...one...but that's beside the point entirely.  

What is important is that my knowledge of college basketball has not exactly increased from last year.  I know two indisputable facts about the tournament:  A 16-seed has NEVER beaten a #1, and the #5 seed is a statistical outlier, being ousted by the #12 seed more often than you'd think they should.  I actually did a graph once, which you can find on the Blag here pretty easily if you'd like.  The first-round winning percentage by seed tracks a pretty straight line, except for 5, which actually wins less often than the 6 seeds.  Some say it's a curse.  I say it's an opportunity!  

So as is tradition here, you get to pick my 12-5 upset.  At least one of these 4 teams is statistically likely to win their first-round matchup later this week, and I leave my decision to the Internetz.  Whichever team gets the most votes will be listed as the winner on my official bracket for whatever pool I participate in.  Just for the record, you don't get any prize money or anything if you're right...just the satisfaction of knowing you did your best.  So...who's it going to be?  Virginia Commonwealth, Long Beach State, Harvard, or California/South Florida?  VOTE NOW!!!

They're Pretty Important

I find it ironic that I don’t need Essential Oils

You don't use extracts of anything?  Thought you were something of a baker in your spare time.

The main times that I hear the phrase "Essential Oils" is when it's used in terms of perfumes and scented crap like shampoos and lotions and whatnot.  I tend to have very little use for that sort of thing.  I'm amused by the fact that something I don't need is called "Essential."  Leave alone the fact that "essence" in this case means something entirely different than what pops into my mind.  That's not important right now...I made comedy, and I'm not letting little things like definitions get in my way. 

Who Knew He Was This Into Ponies

All joking aside, I liked my old password better

I'm sorry, Jeremy.  It's too bad you had to change it.

You know that feeling when you have a comfortable pair of jeans, or a nice sitting spot on the couch, and you have to get rid of it/them?  It's like that will passwords, too.  Over the last few months, I had come to appreciate my old password.  It was nice.  It was a good combination of both hands, an easy number to remember, it made logical sense (at least in my swirling miasma of a mind), and I had gotten used to typing it.  Now, in the aftermath of Password Day, I have a new password, and it's just not the same.    

Don't get me wrong, I like my new password, too...but there's something just a little off about it.  When the login screen comes up, it's not the first thing that comes to mind.  

That's like when people used to write checks and the year changed.  They'd write the old year own for the next three months.  You'll get used to it.

 I'm sure I will, but even when I remember that I'm supposed to type something different than I used to, I have to think about it a little.  It doesn't roll off the fingertips the way the old one did.  

Well, can you change it again to something that will?

I guess I could...but like finding that one perfectly comfortable pair of jeans, it's never quite that simple.  I'm afraid I'm going to have to chalk it up to pure luck that I found a password that was as good as the last one and move on with life.  Farewell, little buddy.  I'll be allowed to use you again in 3 1/2 years.  

Moved On To Action Figures

It’s Password Day!  My email password is no longer MyL1ttl3P0ny

Password Day again?  That seems to happen quite a bit.

I tend to agree, but at the same time,  the company I work for believes this is the way to maintain IT security and thus will lock me out of my accounts if I don't change the passwords on occasion.  It goes without saying that if I don't bother accessing any of my accounts, then I'll be fired.  Therefore, in the interests of keeping my job, I'll go ahead and change the passwords.

Of course, it's at this point that I feel obligated to announce that none of the passwords featured in my "Password Day" posts have ever actually been used as my email password, nor will they.  They're just amusing little bits that I make up on Password Day to make a little fun of myself and entertain all of you.  

I also feel obligated to link you all to This Episode of the whimsical webcomic xkcd.  You'll be interested to know that it's the first thing to come up in the Google Auto-Complete when you type in "Correct H," so that's something too. 

Bad, Jeremy!

The New York Rangers were punishing me for falling asleep during their game

You fell asleep during a hockey game?  How could you?

I know, I know.  I'm sorry.  I say that not only to the loyal readers here, but to the New York Rangers...and the Boston Bruins as well.  I fell asleep during their game (it was a long and busy weekend) and they made me pay for it by confusing the crap out of my in my not-quite-conscious state.  Here's what happened:

Story time!  Get your nachos here!  

So I laid down on the couch with the game on a background noise and made it approximately 83 seconds before passing out.  It was a nice, relaxing nap, and I awoke some time later.  I thought it wasn't very long after all because I look at the game and while the score was different than I'd remembered, there was still a minute or so left in the first period.  They play out the rest of the period, the horn goes off, and I think I have 15 minutes or so before the next period starts.  Instead, the teams go back to their benches for about a minute or so, switch sides and immediately start playing again.  I'm quite clear on the rules of hockey and was pretty sure this generally doesn't happen, so I was left with the inescapable conclusion that I'm either horribly misinformed about hockey, or just suffered some kind of fugue event.  One intermission of my life was now a blacked-out moment.  

As it turns out, I had just slept through the intermission and this was the start of the second period.  I just missed the part where the refs moved the end of the first period into the second.  Brian Rolston of the Bruins took a shot late in the first that broke a pane of glass behind the Rangers' net.  Rather than delaying the game while the rink crew replaced the glass (which normally can be done in a matter of a couple minutes, but maybe this one was more difficult for some reason), the refs put a stop to the period, had the glass replaced and the ice resurfaced, then completed the last 2:53 of the first.  Then, having already had an intermission, started the second right up.  It makes a lot more sense now than it did when I just woke up.

Nice Title, Too

You’re pretty awesome for looking at my Sametime Status.  Happy World Compliment Day, Everybody!

Thanks, Jeremy.  You're pretty awesome too.  Thanks for posting these great Status Messages all the time.  Your work goes unappreciated sometimes.  

You're welcome, LIR.  How very nice of you to notice that I do put a lot of time and effort into these things.  Well...a lot of effort anyway.  Well...sometimes.  You're the best imaginary alter-persona a Blag author could ask for.

I get it from the best!

You want to stop now before we nauseate ourselves?

That's probably wise.  See you tomorrow.