Vote YES on H.R. 197582!!! Bail out Jeremy’s Sametime Status!
There is no other way! Vote now, or you face a collapsing economy of Sametime Statuses, the Takeover of the Internet by radical fundamentalist blogs, a shortfall in Daily Status Education, and Death by Bird Flu.
H.R. 197582 is the most important piece of legislation in the House right now. It approves a 7 million dollar bail-out of Jeremy's Sametime Status, including Jeremy Is In The Office, which will help stimulate the economy of Status Message Blogs all over the world.
If "Jeremy Is In The Office" goes under, it will reduce the known number of daily Sametime Status Blogs on the Internet by 50%! For the sake of the people, we can't let that happen.
7 Million dollars is a small price to pay for this peace of mind. Especially when you compare it to the 700 Billion congress plans on giving to rich people who bilked everyone else out of money by signing ridiculously stupid loans and non-stop pre-approved credit card applications and now need to have the government give their company money so that they don't lose their multi-million-dollar severance packages when said company goes bankrupt.
Give the Bail-Out where it's needed most...right here in your Internet community. With 7 Million Dollars, "Jeremy Is In The Office" can provide you with Sametime Status Messages for as long as you're actually concerned about it...and more! "Jeremy Is In The Office" is one of the most respected charities around, with 100% of the proceeds going to the people who need it most. Show the Blag you know that you care. Call your local office at 631-960-7187. Call right now!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
He should be the Three-Eights Back
Why does the Fullback line up between the Quarterback and the Halfback?
Does anybody even use the word "Halfback" anymore?
I think so. Typically, the word has been largely replaced with "Running Back" in the Football lexicon, but it still pops up every now and again...and it confuses me.
In a standard I Formation, you have in order, the Center, the Quarterback, the Fullback, and the Halfback. It really makes no sense. The center isn't in the center, the Halfback is all the way back, the Fullback is halfway back, and the Quarterback is directly after Center. Horrifically confusing to the first-time football watcher.
You're not a first-time football watcher.
Exactly! And I still get confused! Who's looking out for Joe Schmo out there, tuning in to football for the first time, asking what all these weird positions are? Also...everybody is "Back." On Offense you have the Quarterback, Fullback, Halfback, Running Back, Tail Back, Split Backs...and over on the defensive side it's Linebackers and Cornerbacks. There are no "Forwards." Anywhere! People go "Wide" and are on the "Ends," and on the "Line" but nobody is "Forward," and in a game where the object is to move forward into the opposition's territory, wouldn't you want somebody to at least be in charge of going there?
I suppose you have a better suggestion?
Not a suggestion to fix football, exactly. More like an alternative. A sport where the positional names at least somewhat reflect what the person does.
HOCKEY!
You have the Center, who lines up in the Center of the ice. The Left Wing is on the left side of Center, and the Right Wing is on the Right side. All three of these positions are referred to as "Forwards" as they're the primary people in charge of going forward and scoring on the opponent's Goaltender...who incidentally stands in front of the goal and tends to it. The "Defensemen" are behind the forwards and...get this...play Defense. In specialty areas, you have Snipers who take accurate shots from all areas of the ice, "Stay At Home Defensemen" who aren't especially adept at rushing up the ice, but do a better job keeping the opponents form scoring, "Power Forwards" who move forward with speed and physicality, and "Enforcers" who ensure the game is played on your team's terms.
It really makes much more sense.
NHL Season starts Saturday, folks!
Does anybody even use the word "Halfback" anymore?
I think so. Typically, the word has been largely replaced with "Running Back" in the Football lexicon, but it still pops up every now and again...and it confuses me.
In a standard I Formation, you have in order, the Center, the Quarterback, the Fullback, and the Halfback. It really makes no sense. The center isn't in the center, the Halfback is all the way back, the Fullback is halfway back, and the Quarterback is directly after Center. Horrifically confusing to the first-time football watcher.
You're not a first-time football watcher.
Exactly! And I still get confused! Who's looking out for Joe Schmo out there, tuning in to football for the first time, asking what all these weird positions are? Also...everybody is "Back." On Offense you have the Quarterback, Fullback, Halfback, Running Back, Tail Back, Split Backs...and over on the defensive side it's Linebackers and Cornerbacks. There are no "Forwards." Anywhere! People go "Wide" and are on the "Ends," and on the "Line" but nobody is "Forward," and in a game where the object is to move forward into the opposition's territory, wouldn't you want somebody to at least be in charge of going there?
I suppose you have a better suggestion?
Not a suggestion to fix football, exactly. More like an alternative. A sport where the positional names at least somewhat reflect what the person does.
HOCKEY!
You have the Center, who lines up in the Center of the ice. The Left Wing is on the left side of Center, and the Right Wing is on the Right side. All three of these positions are referred to as "Forwards" as they're the primary people in charge of going forward and scoring on the opponent's Goaltender...who incidentally stands in front of the goal and tends to it. The "Defensemen" are behind the forwards and...get this...play Defense. In specialty areas, you have Snipers who take accurate shots from all areas of the ice, "Stay At Home Defensemen" who aren't especially adept at rushing up the ice, but do a better job keeping the opponents form scoring, "Power Forwards" who move forward with speed and physicality, and "Enforcers" who ensure the game is played on your team's terms.
It really makes much more sense.
NHL Season starts Saturday, folks!
Friday, September 26, 2008
Is they?
"This is delicious. My taste buds is goin’ wild!"
Aside from bad grammar, what exactly is this?
This is a quote from a new (New to me at least) infomercial for the Flavor-Wave Oven!
You bought one, didn't you?
I most certainly did not. I'm reasonably proud to say that I've never purchased anything off of an Infomercial, or any product pitched by Billy Mays. This is not to say that I don't own a Miracle Blade, but I can honestly tell you that I didn't buy it.
So what makes the Flavor-Wave Oven so noteworthy? Is it Billy Mays again?
Not my boy Billy, no. This particular infomercial stars Mr. T! Here's a clip for your edutainment/punishment. Please note the part where he says, "I love it when a plan comes together," thereby lifting a line from a show he was on 21 years ago...and it wasn't even his line!
As a special bonus, since I know my Mom will be reading, here's a Mr. T music video about treating your Mother right. She'll either be extra happy or disown me because of this. Neither would surprise me.
Aside from bad grammar, what exactly is this?
This is a quote from a new (New to me at least) infomercial for the Flavor-Wave Oven!
You bought one, didn't you?
I most certainly did not. I'm reasonably proud to say that I've never purchased anything off of an Infomercial, or any product pitched by Billy Mays. This is not to say that I don't own a Miracle Blade, but I can honestly tell you that I didn't buy it.
So what makes the Flavor-Wave Oven so noteworthy? Is it Billy Mays again?
Not my boy Billy, no. This particular infomercial stars Mr. T! Here's a clip for your edutainment/punishment. Please note the part where he says, "I love it when a plan comes together," thereby lifting a line from a show he was on 21 years ago...and it wasn't even his line!
As a special bonus, since I know my Mom will be reading, here's a Mr. T music video about treating your Mother right. She'll either be extra happy or disown me because of this. Neither would surprise me.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Season Premier!!!
I did this for the little guy. For Joe six pack. The guy who wakes up every morning in his four hundred dollar a month apartment, wonders how he's gonna pay his mortgage that month. Wonders how he's gonna fill his car up, with oil. Wonders "How am I gonna pay my kids' orphanage bills?" Andy Bernard; Dunder Mifflin
There are so many things wrong with that sentence. That nutty Andy...
And yet, there's something so right about it...because it's finally here! Tonight is the Season Premier of The Office! WOOOOOOOO!!
Incidentally, on a related note, I will be unavailable for calls or comments between 9PM and 10PM Eastern time tonight. Thank you for your understanding.
Here's a short clip of what to expect from Season 5:
There are so many things wrong with that sentence. That nutty Andy...
And yet, there's something so right about it...because it's finally here! Tonight is the Season Premier of The Office! WOOOOOOOO!!
Incidentally, on a related note, I will be unavailable for calls or comments between 9PM and 10PM Eastern time tonight. Thank you for your understanding.
Here's a short clip of what to expect from Season 5:
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I hope one of the Steinbrenners reads this...I really do.
HAPPY V-Y DAY EVERYBODY!!!!
What exactly is V-Y Day? I'm not aware of any mid-to-late September bank holidays.
V-Y Day is the most glorious day of the year for most of the people outside the greater New York City area, and roughly half the people IN the greater New York City Area.
That's right, folks...today, courtesy of the Boston Red Sox win over the Toronto Blue Jays last night, is the first day of Yankee-Free Baseball! Victory over the Yankees Day! The day the New York Yankees were Mathematically Eliminated from playoff contention!
Aren't you a Blue Jays fan?
Yes, but since the Jays were mathematically eliminated Sunday night, I was perfectly willing to take this one for the team. My real team being anybody with any sense whatsoever who hates the Yankees and the very concept of Steinbrenner Ball. The best team 209 million dollars can buy falls short, and by a not-entirely close margin. Apparently, 209 million dollars isn't enough to buy a pitching staff. If you're having trouble figuring out what else to do with 209 million dollars, here's an interesting fact. You can go to Wendy's and buy a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger for the entire populations of the following states:
And you'd still have enough money left over to buy A-Rod a month's worth of lap dances at his favorite Toronto club.
As a special treat for The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, I've found a Yankee tribute video that shows some of our fondest moments at Yankee Stadium. Enjoy, everybody!
What exactly is V-Y Day? I'm not aware of any mid-to-late September bank holidays.
V-Y Day is the most glorious day of the year for most of the people outside the greater New York City area, and roughly half the people IN the greater New York City Area.
That's right, folks...today, courtesy of the Boston Red Sox win over the Toronto Blue Jays last night, is the first day of Yankee-Free Baseball! Victory over the Yankees Day! The day the New York Yankees were Mathematically Eliminated from playoff contention!
Aren't you a Blue Jays fan?
Yes, but since the Jays were mathematically eliminated Sunday night, I was perfectly willing to take this one for the team. My real team being anybody with any sense whatsoever who hates the Yankees and the very concept of Steinbrenner Ball. The best team 209 million dollars can buy falls short, and by a not-entirely close margin. Apparently, 209 million dollars isn't enough to buy a pitching staff. If you're having trouble figuring out what else to do with 209 million dollars, here's an interesting fact. You can go to Wendy's and buy a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger for the entire populations of the following states:
- Arizona
- Indiana
- Massachusetts
- Washington
- Virginia
- New Jersey
- North Carolina
- Georgia
- Michigan
- Ohio
- Pennsylvania
- Illinois
- Florida
- New York
- Texas
- California
And you'd still have enough money left over to buy A-Rod a month's worth of lap dances at his favorite Toronto club.
As a special treat for The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, I've found a Yankee tribute video that shows some of our fondest moments at Yankee Stadium. Enjoy, everybody!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Slapface!
"There’s too many people on this earth. We need a new plague." Dwight Schrute; Dunder Mifflin
YAAAAYYY! OFFICE! It's finally...wait...it's not here yet. You're a couple days early.
I know. The season doesn't start until Thursday, and it's too late to start a Theme Week, but I have a couple extra Office quotes laying around for use as Sametime Statuses, so I figured I'd start celebrating a little early.
As part of the celebration, here's Jim demonstrating the newest Olympic Sport:
YAAAAYYY! OFFICE! It's finally...wait...it's not here yet. You're a couple days early.
I know. The season doesn't start until Thursday, and it's too late to start a Theme Week, but I have a couple extra Office quotes laying around for use as Sametime Statuses, so I figured I'd start celebrating a little early.
As part of the celebration, here's Jim demonstrating the newest Olympic Sport:
Monday, September 22, 2008
I imagined I got lots of points
Who else had Ronnie Brown on their fantasy team?
I did...but it's an imaginary fantasy team. Does that count?
Having a fantasy team barely counts, let alone having a fantasy fantasy team. For some bizarre reason, I felt it to be noteworthy that I actually started Ronnie Brown for yesterday's game, and he ran amok. Ran for 4 touchdowns and threw for another, for a stupendous total of over 49 points, as evidenced here:
Awe yeah.
And this gets you what exactly?
The satisfaction of knowing I did my best! Which is more than I can say for the woman in this video:
I did...but it's an imaginary fantasy team. Does that count?
Having a fantasy team barely counts, let alone having a fantasy fantasy team. For some bizarre reason, I felt it to be noteworthy that I actually started Ronnie Brown for yesterday's game, and he ran amok. Ran for 4 touchdowns and threw for another, for a stupendous total of over 49 points, as evidenced here:
Awe yeah.
And this gets you what exactly?
The satisfaction of knowing I did my best! Which is more than I can say for the woman in this video:
Friday, September 19, 2008
Testing
1 = P of P P that P P P
And this has what to do with hockey?
Nothing! Not a Theme Week! Only two hockey Statuses this week.
Even though NHL training camps start today?
Yes. I actively decided not to mention NHL training camps starting today due to the fact that I've already had a couple Hockey-related items going on this week. So you get this puzzle instead.
In fact, I'm pondering another brain teaser week involving letter and number puzzles like this. So we'll gauge the response and see what we end up with.
Sounds exciting.
It's only half as exciting as a "Stand-Down" which is going on at work today in which we all do precisely zero work, but instead sit in meetings all day to look at charts. It's going to be grand!
And this has what to do with hockey?
Nothing! Not a Theme Week! Only two hockey Statuses this week.
Even though NHL training camps start today?
Yes. I actively decided not to mention NHL training camps starting today due to the fact that I've already had a couple Hockey-related items going on this week. So you get this puzzle instead.
In fact, I'm pondering another brain teaser week involving letter and number puzzles like this. So we'll gauge the response and see what we end up with.
Sounds exciting.
It's only half as exciting as a "Stand-Down" which is going on at work today in which we all do precisely zero work, but instead sit in meetings all day to look at charts. It's going to be grand!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Don't even do this...seriously
Yo, yo, this is the life. Give me open land and a big ol' knife to get some bear, deer, even a snake. I light me a fire, do the shake and bake. I say yo, yo, I'm a cowboy now.
And this has what to do with hockey?
Contrary to popular belief, I'm not doing a Hockey theme week this week. You get treated to something much much worse. The above lyrics.
It's almost like a Kid Rock song, but not.
Believe it or not, it's actually worse.
I can't imagine a world where that exists.
Well, there is a very good reason for this. Back in the 90's, a highly scientific poll was conducted over The Interwebz to determine what people wanted to hear in music, and conversely what they didn't want to hear.
The data for what people didn't want to hear in a song was all piled together in one big horrific symphony of awful, which statistically speaking would appeal to approximately 200 people in the world. It's a ridiculous hodgepodge of crap, containing elements such as Opera, Rap, Cowboys, Oom-Pah Tubas, Holiday Music, Commercial Jingles, and the bane of my personal existence, Children's Choirs.
Strictly speaking, the song is absolutely hilarious because it's so bad. Moreso than simply the elements listed above, it contains Opera singers Rapping, Children's Choirs singing Commercial Jingles, A woman screaming Political Rhetoric over a megaphone...it really is simply too awful for words. What you need is audio.
So, if you have 20 minutes to kill today (Yes, this appalling piece of flotsam is 20 minutes long), click on the following link which has an audio stream embedded on the page, and have this on as your background music at work today. You won't exactly be "Glad" you did, but you'll at least be more informed.
"The Most Unwanted Music"
As an added bonus, I found the LYRICS if you want to sing along.
And this has what to do with hockey?
Contrary to popular belief, I'm not doing a Hockey theme week this week. You get treated to something much much worse. The above lyrics.
It's almost like a Kid Rock song, but not.
Believe it or not, it's actually worse.
I can't imagine a world where that exists.
Well, there is a very good reason for this. Back in the 90's, a highly scientific poll was conducted over The Interwebz to determine what people wanted to hear in music, and conversely what they didn't want to hear.
The data for what people didn't want to hear in a song was all piled together in one big horrific symphony of awful, which statistically speaking would appeal to approximately 200 people in the world. It's a ridiculous hodgepodge of crap, containing elements such as Opera, Rap, Cowboys, Oom-Pah Tubas, Holiday Music, Commercial Jingles, and the bane of my personal existence, Children's Choirs.
Strictly speaking, the song is absolutely hilarious because it's so bad. Moreso than simply the elements listed above, it contains Opera singers Rapping, Children's Choirs singing Commercial Jingles, A woman screaming Political Rhetoric over a megaphone...it really is simply too awful for words. What you need is audio.
So, if you have 20 minutes to kill today (Yes, this appalling piece of flotsam is 20 minutes long), click on the following link which has an audio stream embedded on the page, and have this on as your background music at work today. You won't exactly be "Glad" you did, but you'll at least be more informed.
"The Most Unwanted Music"
As an added bonus, I found the LYRICS if you want to sing along.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
And all was right with the world
I feel a lot better today. I got to watch hockey last night.
Uhmm...so this is two consecutive days of hockey-related Sametime Statuses. That's pretty weak sauce.
I know...but I was really quite excited about getting to watch hockey last night that I just had to share it with you.
Fine then...but the NHL season doesn't start until October 4th. What exactly were you watching?
It was something of an NHL game. Technically, it's called a "Prospects Game" where the future LA Kings took on the future Phoenix Coyotes. Incidentally, the Kings won 2-1.
Go Kings!
So to make up for the fact that I do have 2 hockey Messages in a row, here's Ninja Cat:
Uhmm...so this is two consecutive days of hockey-related Sametime Statuses. That's pretty weak sauce.
I know...but I was really quite excited about getting to watch hockey last night that I just had to share it with you.
Fine then...but the NHL season doesn't start until October 4th. What exactly were you watching?
It was something of an NHL game. Technically, it's called a "Prospects Game" where the future LA Kings took on the future Phoenix Coyotes. Incidentally, the Kings won 2-1.
Go Kings!
So to make up for the fact that I do have 2 hockey Messages in a row, here's Ninja Cat:
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Good Luck, Jeremy!
I am the New Head Coach of the Bulgarian Women's Ice Hockey Team!
What brought on this phantom career change?
Well apparently, I'm supposed to post this news story in the blag:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
Or this one:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
Or maybe it was this:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
Oh yeah...there was this one:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
Or perhaps this:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
People apparently seem to think you're a hockey fan or something.
So it would seem. So there you have it, folks. I've posted about the Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team. Enjoy!
What brought on this phantom career change?
Well apparently, I'm supposed to post this news story in the blag:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
Or this one:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
Or maybe it was this:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
Oh yeah...there was this one:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
Or perhaps this:
Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team
People apparently seem to think you're a hockey fan or something.
So it would seem. So there you have it, folks. I've posted about the Bulgarian Women's Hockey Team. Enjoy!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Guess I'll go back to ironing the old-fashioned way
My dreams of Steamroller Ownership have been dashed.
Awwe....somebody bought the steamroller?
It certainly looks that way. If you remember A Little While Back, I contemplated buying a steamroller simply because it was for sale on my way in to work. Well, the steamroller itself is no longer there, but the "For Sale" sign is still stuck to the tree. This could mean a number of things. Maybe the Steamroller is still for sale, and just got moved inside due to weather concerns, the owner simply forgot to take the For Sale sign down, or now, the tree is for sale.
You should offer to buy the tree.
I don't have room in my car for a tree. I'd have to borrow somebody's truck or something...not to mention a shovel to dig it up out of the ground. I imagine it weighs a couple tons, too.
So in order to cheer myself up, I decided to post this montage of people getting hit in the face with exercise balls. Enjoy!
Awwe....somebody bought the steamroller?
It certainly looks that way. If you remember A Little While Back, I contemplated buying a steamroller simply because it was for sale on my way in to work. Well, the steamroller itself is no longer there, but the "For Sale" sign is still stuck to the tree. This could mean a number of things. Maybe the Steamroller is still for sale, and just got moved inside due to weather concerns, the owner simply forgot to take the For Sale sign down, or now, the tree is for sale.
You should offer to buy the tree.
I don't have room in my car for a tree. I'd have to borrow somebody's truck or something...not to mention a shovel to dig it up out of the ground. I imagine it weighs a couple tons, too.
So in order to cheer myself up, I decided to post this montage of people getting hit in the face with exercise balls. Enjoy!
Friday, September 12, 2008
I believe it's spelled "Skool"
That’s so old-school, the techniques for modern-school construction won’t be invented for two thousand years.
I like it. Where'd it come from?
This, I believe, is the first appearance of Dromeciomimus in the Blag. She's one of the characters in the whimsical webcomic Dinosaur Comics. This quote came as a bit of a surprise, as she's not usually known for giving T-Rex this amount of sass.
Her explanation does clear the way for the remarkably wise Utahraptor to detail the origins of the riddle, however.
Speaking of wisdom. There's not a lot to be had in this recent news story:
I like it. Where'd it come from?
This, I believe, is the first appearance of Dromeciomimus in the Blag. She's one of the characters in the whimsical webcomic Dinosaur Comics. This quote came as a bit of a surprise, as she's not usually known for giving T-Rex this amount of sass.
Her explanation does clear the way for the remarkably wise Utahraptor to detail the origins of the riddle, however.
Speaking of wisdom. There's not a lot to be had in this recent news story:
Thursday, September 11, 2008
More fiery death
I'm not sure how comfortable I am putting batteries named "IGNITE" near my grill.
Isn't that what you want grills to do? They do cook stuff, you know.
The grill is supposed to ignite, yes, but it's not supposed to ignite everything in the vicinity. I like my grill flames to be largely contained within the grill so as to not set the world on fire.
So, you may remember Not Long Ago, I told you all about getting a new grill thermometer with a wireless transmitter. Well, I got to play around with it yesterday, and that means installing the batteries. Needless to say at this point, the batteries that came with the thermometer were from the incredibly popular world-famous brand "IGNITE". If the transmitter goes up in flames the first time I use my grill, I'm going to be quite upset.
Speaking of upset...are you sad that the world didn't end?
Not really. I like it here. So, even though the Large Hadron Collider didn't destroy the world, we still should not rest on out laurels. There are still many atom-smashing experiments to go, and let's also not forget the ever-looming threat of Bird Flu. Here's a reminder:
Isn't that what you want grills to do? They do cook stuff, you know.
The grill is supposed to ignite, yes, but it's not supposed to ignite everything in the vicinity. I like my grill flames to be largely contained within the grill so as to not set the world on fire.
So, you may remember Not Long Ago, I told you all about getting a new grill thermometer with a wireless transmitter. Well, I got to play around with it yesterday, and that means installing the batteries. Needless to say at this point, the batteries that came with the thermometer were from the incredibly popular world-famous brand "IGNITE". If the transmitter goes up in flames the first time I use my grill, I'm going to be quite upset.
Speaking of upset...are you sad that the world didn't end?
Not really. I like it here. So, even though the Large Hadron Collider didn't destroy the world, we still should not rest on out laurels. There are still many atom-smashing experiments to go, and let's also not forget the ever-looming threat of Bird Flu. Here's a reminder:
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
But that's where I keep all my stuff!
The world may or may not end today. Thought you’d like to know.
I don't get it. You ran a Theme Week a while back about the end of the world, but today wasn't one of the days that was predicted. Is there a mistake?
Not exactly. The "End Of The World Week" was based on half-baked predictions of The End Of The World As We Know It (referred to as TEOTWAWKI Startlingly Often), whereas today's message deals with something happening today that may destroy the world.
People are actively trying to destroy the world?
More appropriate to say that today, people are trying SCIENCE! Today is the day that the Large Hadron Collider, deep underground in Switzerland and France, gets fired up to full power in the first experiment of its kind to hopefully locate the elusive Higgs Boson.
That sounds like a bad clown name.
Perhaps, but in the very basis of particle physics, the one thing that has gone missing for quite some time is a portion of the atom that causes something to have mass. Also, researches are hoping to learn more about the relative asymmetry between matter and antimatter, as well as determine the nature of Dark Matter. It's all quite exciting.
Okay...but why will this thingamajobbie cause the end of the world?
Some people have theorized that the planned experiments and extraordinarily high-energy atomic collisions created within the Collider are capable of producing Black Holes. Those tend to be bad things and would suck up all matter in the surrounding area (Read: Solar System) and compress it into dark matter with the weight of a thousand suns...or so.
Wow...all sorta interesting stuff. But it's tough to really grasp it all. You know what would help? If this information was all available in easy-to-digest jaunty rap form.
Well then, you're in luck! Will Barras, MC Hawking, and Kate McAlpine are here to help:
If you'd like to help with this monumental research project, you can contribute your computer's unused processing power to the cause. Visit LHC@Home for more info.
I don't get it. You ran a Theme Week a while back about the end of the world, but today wasn't one of the days that was predicted. Is there a mistake?
Not exactly. The "End Of The World Week" was based on half-baked predictions of The End Of The World As We Know It (referred to as TEOTWAWKI Startlingly Often), whereas today's message deals with something happening today that may destroy the world.
People are actively trying to destroy the world?
More appropriate to say that today, people are trying SCIENCE! Today is the day that the Large Hadron Collider, deep underground in Switzerland and France, gets fired up to full power in the first experiment of its kind to hopefully locate the elusive Higgs Boson.
That sounds like a bad clown name.
Perhaps, but in the very basis of particle physics, the one thing that has gone missing for quite some time is a portion of the atom that causes something to have mass. Also, researches are hoping to learn more about the relative asymmetry between matter and antimatter, as well as determine the nature of Dark Matter. It's all quite exciting.
Okay...but why will this thingamajobbie cause the end of the world?
Some people have theorized that the planned experiments and extraordinarily high-energy atomic collisions created within the Collider are capable of producing Black Holes. Those tend to be bad things and would suck up all matter in the surrounding area (Read: Solar System) and compress it into dark matter with the weight of a thousand suns...or so.
Wow...all sorta interesting stuff. But it's tough to really grasp it all. You know what would help? If this information was all available in easy-to-digest jaunty rap form.
Well then, you're in luck! Will Barras, MC Hawking, and Kate McAlpine are here to help:
If you'd like to help with this monumental research project, you can contribute your computer's unused processing power to the cause. Visit LHC@Home for more info.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I'm sending it back
I’ve been ripped off. My new Barbecue Thermometer won’t let me cook my chicken Medium-Rare the way I like it.
Salmonella, party of one.
I know, I know...always fully cook your chicken, blah blah blah...
This public service announcement brought to you by "Jeremy Is In The Office." "Jeremy Is In The Office" is a wholly owned subsidiary of Miracle Posting, Incorporated. If it's a good Blag Post, it's a Miracle.
So I was going to get a steak or something to grill tonight, but Mother Nature has other ideas, sending me Thunderstorms for the rest of the day, and pretty much pooching any chance I have of trying out the new thermometer. Which is a shame, too, because it's pretty cool. It has a wireless transmitter so I can just walk around with a little walkie-talkie looking thing and know exactly when my steak is cooked to perfection.
Speaking of grills:
This video irritates me to no end, and is part of my continuing series, "The Wussification Of America." At the very end, the mother says that the maker of this particular item should remove them from the shelves. But...SHE'S THE ONE WHO BOUGHT IT FOR HER MORON KID!!! Also, removing them from shelves wouldn't help in her case anyway, since she bought it at a flea market.
It's probably not a good idea to put anything you buy at a flea market in your mouth.
Lots of good tips for healthy living in the Blag today. I feel accomplished. Have a good day, everyone!
Salmonella, party of one.
I know, I know...always fully cook your chicken, blah blah blah...
This public service announcement brought to you by "Jeremy Is In The Office." "Jeremy Is In The Office" is a wholly owned subsidiary of Miracle Posting, Incorporated. If it's a good Blag Post, it's a Miracle.
So I was going to get a steak or something to grill tonight, but Mother Nature has other ideas, sending me Thunderstorms for the rest of the day, and pretty much pooching any chance I have of trying out the new thermometer. Which is a shame, too, because it's pretty cool. It has a wireless transmitter so I can just walk around with a little walkie-talkie looking thing and know exactly when my steak is cooked to perfection.
Speaking of grills:
This video irritates me to no end, and is part of my continuing series, "The Wussification Of America." At the very end, the mother says that the maker of this particular item should remove them from the shelves. But...SHE'S THE ONE WHO BOUGHT IT FOR HER MORON KID!!! Also, removing them from shelves wouldn't help in her case anyway, since she bought it at a flea market.
It's probably not a good idea to put anything you buy at a flea market in your mouth.
Lots of good tips for healthy living in the Blag today. I feel accomplished. Have a good day, everyone!
Monday, September 8, 2008
Yeah....it was that guy.
For the record, Troy Smith won the Heisman Trophy in 2006.
Is that really important?
No, but it was the subject of great debate during the football game last night. As it turns out, nobody seems to know who wins the Heisman anymore...and in many cases it turns out not to matter much. Our boy Troy Smith here (Depending on the source) is currently listed as the 2nd or 3rd string Quarterback for the Baltimore Ravens, backing up the immortal Joe Flacco.
I don't know who that is either.
Also noteworthy was another subject of debate, and another former Heisman Trophy winner Chris Weinke. I'm told through Very Reliable Sources that Weinke is currently out of the NFL with a career QB record of 2-18. However, there's always reasons for optimism. I understand there's a starting QB job available in the Boston area.
Who cares? NHL Training camp is less than 2 weeks away!
Is that really important?
No, but it was the subject of great debate during the football game last night. As it turns out, nobody seems to know who wins the Heisman anymore...and in many cases it turns out not to matter much. Our boy Troy Smith here (Depending on the source) is currently listed as the 2nd or 3rd string Quarterback for the Baltimore Ravens, backing up the immortal Joe Flacco.
I don't know who that is either.
Also noteworthy was another subject of debate, and another former Heisman Trophy winner Chris Weinke. I'm told through Very Reliable Sources that Weinke is currently out of the NFL with a career QB record of 2-18. However, there's always reasons for optimism. I understand there's a starting QB job available in the Boston area.
Who cares? NHL Training camp is less than 2 weeks away!
Friday, September 5, 2008
It's SUCH a long walk...
What’s with parents driving their kids to the end of the driveway to wait for the school bus?
They just want to make sure the little tykes are safe. It seems perfectly reasonable.
I disagree. Not only do I find this to be the next installment of a popular Sametime Status feature I like to call "The Wussification of America," but I submit to you, The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, that this action is decidedly...dramatic pause...Unamerican!
DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!
Unfortunately, the dramatic "reveal moment" music doesn't quite translate to the Blag, but you get the idea.
In this day of banning dodge ball, watering down classes, and inventing The Cordless Jump Rope, we've taken steps to shield children from every possible speed bump on the road of life. This makes them wussies. Driving them the whole 50 feet from the house to the end of the driveway so they can wait for the school bus is going one step beyond that. AND I SAW IT THREE TIMES ON MY WAY TO WORK TODAY!!!
Okay, so it's a pretty wussy thing to do...why is it Unamerican?
Because one of the key issues in America today is the economy and the price of various forms of energy, including gasoline. Everyone knows that engines are most efficient once they've been driven for a few minutes and up to optimal operating temperature. Also, the only true way to spend less money on gasoline is to use less. These 3 parents all drove gas-guzzling SUV's at their least efficient a whole 50 feet and left them running for no good reason other than to have the climate control on, wasting gas that I'll have to pay for next time I'm at the pump. Thanks, jerks!
Speaking of wasting things. Here's a pretty good waste of whatever it takes to run this thing...the coolest water fountain ever:
They just want to make sure the little tykes are safe. It seems perfectly reasonable.
I disagree. Not only do I find this to be the next installment of a popular Sametime Status feature I like to call "The Wussification of America," but I submit to you, The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, that this action is decidedly...dramatic pause...Unamerican!
DUN-DUN-DUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!!
Unfortunately, the dramatic "reveal moment" music doesn't quite translate to the Blag, but you get the idea.
In this day of banning dodge ball, watering down classes, and inventing The Cordless Jump Rope, we've taken steps to shield children from every possible speed bump on the road of life. This makes them wussies. Driving them the whole 50 feet from the house to the end of the driveway so they can wait for the school bus is going one step beyond that. AND I SAW IT THREE TIMES ON MY WAY TO WORK TODAY!!!
Okay, so it's a pretty wussy thing to do...why is it Unamerican?
Because one of the key issues in America today is the economy and the price of various forms of energy, including gasoline. Everyone knows that engines are most efficient once they've been driven for a few minutes and up to optimal operating temperature. Also, the only true way to spend less money on gasoline is to use less. These 3 parents all drove gas-guzzling SUV's at their least efficient a whole 50 feet and left them running for no good reason other than to have the climate control on, wasting gas that I'll have to pay for next time I'm at the pump. Thanks, jerks!
Speaking of wasting things. Here's a pretty good waste of whatever it takes to run this thing...the coolest water fountain ever:
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Sporting Grammar 101
Golf is the only sport that is its own verb. Discuss.
Well, just about any sport is a very if you add "-ing" at the end.
Exactly. So what we're looking for here is a sport that does not require grerundizing (I'm not sure if that's a word, but I like it) in order to turn it into a verb.
You can say, "I'm going to golf," and nobody will think anything of it, but if you say "Let's go baseball," people look at you funny.
People look at you funny quite often.
So in keeping with today's theme, here's a clip of some moderately amusing (and mostly poorly staged) golf bloopers. Enjoy!
Well, just about any sport is a very if you add "-ing" at the end.
Exactly. So what we're looking for here is a sport that does not require grerundizing (I'm not sure if that's a word, but I like it) in order to turn it into a verb.
You can say, "I'm going to golf," and nobody will think anything of it, but if you say "Let's go baseball," people look at you funny.
People look at you funny quite often.
So in keeping with today's theme, here's a clip of some moderately amusing (and mostly poorly staged) golf bloopers. Enjoy!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Malaria Saves!
Apparently, Malaria is a preventative disease.
Good to know...up until now, I thought Malaria was a bad thing.
Good thing we have radio commercials. Lately, a local exterminating service has been running a series of ads detailing their involvement in a perfectly reasonable charity to distribute mosquito netting to families in Africa to reduce the spread of Malaria. This is all well and good, but in the commercial, the owner of the business describes Malaria as "A preventative disease."
I wonder what it prevents. Maybe it protects you from Bird Flu?
If that were the case, then I'd say this charity has it all backwards. We should be encouraging people to get bitten by mosquitoes, deal with the wholly treatable Malaria and be, at long last, protected from the deadly Avian Influenza.
More likely, the owner of this particular pest control business really means that Malaria is a Preventable disease, and just wanted to use a big word to impress people without first knowing what it means. Either way, I can't encourage the use of this particular exterminator service. Good grammar is a strangely important trait that I like to see in people spraying poisonous chemicals around my house.
That's fine...but won't the charity suffer?
Perhaps a bit. But, if you'd like to learn more about Malaria and the "Nothing But Nets" campaign, please visit Nothingbutnets.net.
This public service brought to you by "Jeremy Is In The Office"....and the people running the campaign, I guess.
Good to know...up until now, I thought Malaria was a bad thing.
Good thing we have radio commercials. Lately, a local exterminating service has been running a series of ads detailing their involvement in a perfectly reasonable charity to distribute mosquito netting to families in Africa to reduce the spread of Malaria. This is all well and good, but in the commercial, the owner of the business describes Malaria as "A preventative disease."
I wonder what it prevents. Maybe it protects you from Bird Flu?
If that were the case, then I'd say this charity has it all backwards. We should be encouraging people to get bitten by mosquitoes, deal with the wholly treatable Malaria and be, at long last, protected from the deadly Avian Influenza.
More likely, the owner of this particular pest control business really means that Malaria is a Preventable disease, and just wanted to use a big word to impress people without first knowing what it means. Either way, I can't encourage the use of this particular exterminator service. Good grammar is a strangely important trait that I like to see in people spraying poisonous chemicals around my house.
That's fine...but won't the charity suffer?
Perhaps a bit. But, if you'd like to learn more about Malaria and the "Nothing But Nets" campaign, please visit Nothingbutnets.net.
This public service brought to you by "Jeremy Is In The Office"....and the people running the campaign, I guess.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
BUY IT NOW!!!
“I'm optimistic, because everyday I get a little more desperate. And desperate situations yield the quickest results.” Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin
YAY! Office is back!! But...it's Tuesday...and the new season doesn't start for a couple weeks. What's going on?
Today is just as important a day in Dunder Mifflin as any Thursday night. Today is the day that The Office, Season 4 comes out on DVD. So I have a stop to make after work today. I also have to buy some longer screws for my kitchen hardware, but that's unrelated.
So where can I purchase the DVD's for everyone I know or care about?
Actually, I have no idea. At some point, I'll have to pore over some of the usual websites to see who has the best price and which stores get the better special features on the DVD set. That's really the only difference. It'll wind up being one of the large automatonic box stores nearby, though.
In the meantime, here's some info for the upcoming Season 5. The mood of The Office will be changing significantly. Since the untimely death (possibly murder) of one of the major characters, the Dunder Mifflin folks, instead of Michael's hilarity, will be caught in the midst of a criminal investigation. Here's a trailer for the new season: (WARNING: The following clip does NOT contain spoilers, but it does contain a cover of a Pink Floyd song)
YAY! Office is back!! But...it's Tuesday...and the new season doesn't start for a couple weeks. What's going on?
Today is just as important a day in Dunder Mifflin as any Thursday night. Today is the day that The Office, Season 4 comes out on DVD. So I have a stop to make after work today. I also have to buy some longer screws for my kitchen hardware, but that's unrelated.
So where can I purchase the DVD's for everyone I know or care about?
Actually, I have no idea. At some point, I'll have to pore over some of the usual websites to see who has the best price and which stores get the better special features on the DVD set. That's really the only difference. It'll wind up being one of the large automatonic box stores nearby, though.
In the meantime, here's some info for the upcoming Season 5. The mood of The Office will be changing significantly. Since the untimely death (possibly murder) of one of the major characters, the Dunder Mifflin folks, instead of Michael's hilarity, will be caught in the midst of a criminal investigation. Here's a trailer for the new season: (WARNING: The following clip does NOT contain spoilers, but it does contain a cover of a Pink Floyd song)
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