That's a lot of ones and zeros. Taken to speaking in binary, have you?
Not as such. Today's Sametime Status is the "Time Code" from the Futurama movie, "Bender's Big Score." There's actually a pattern to it, which doesn't quite come off in straight numerical form, but if you look at it at displayed in the movie, it's a little more easily seen:
If you look at the first three columns, and read them left to right, then top to bottom, they translate to the numbers 1-6. The 4th through 6th columns are simply a mirror image of the first three. This, my friends, is the secret to Time Travel.
So much for the Flux Capacitor.
So at this point, I was going to share with all of you the Trinity War song from the movie, since it's one of the best parts. I was also going to point out the not-so-coincidental use of a Tie Fighter by the Chanukah Zombie. That's only funny because that character's voice is supplied by none other than Luke Skywalker himself, Mark Hamill.
However, that video was removed from youtube yesterday, so it won't do you a whole lot of good. There is, however, an Audio-only showing of it up on Youtube now. Here's a Link To That If You're Interested. It's not quite the same, and I promise it's not a Rick Roll, so go ahead and enjoy it. Happy Friday, everybody!
Billy Mays now sells insurance. I fear for all humanity.
That annoying guy who sells Oxi Clean on the infomercials?
The very same. He's now also a windbag spokesperson for "iCan Benefits Group," using his high-energy, loud, obnoxious, all-up-in-your-fries sales technique to get you to buy insurance.
Seems like a step down...
Well, when you've already peddled such invaluable products as Orange Glo, Hercules Hooks, Zorbees Towels, Mighty Putty, Handy Switch, and the Awesome Auger, there aren't that many places to go. I suppose you could team up with Ron Popeil, and create the Infomercial Duo From Hell and take over the world. You'd have a full head of hair, and all the home-made turkey jerky you'd need.
So about this insurance?
Yep. If you need health insurance, or somebody to very loudly tell you why you need it, simply visit the iCan Group Website, and soon, you'll see my boy Billy's slappable mug pop up right on the screen.
In order to put at least one thing right with the world, here's Billy Mays falling into a bathtub:
We are stones, piled together in a medley of life, one on top of the other. Alone, we are simply stones...rock...but united, we are structures, buildings, societies!
This is a very profound duality. Which means there's no possible way you came up with it.
Right you are. Today's Sametime Status is from an Animaniacs cartoon called "Ten Short Films About Wakko Warner. In Film #5, "My Dinner With Wakko," the great folks at Warner Brothers once again give us a culture shock of epic proportions. The scene is set with soft string music in a large up-scale restaurant. Wakko is seen enjoying a family-style dinner with Dr. Scratchansniff, who is discussing a tour of ancient Aztec ruins ruins.
Right...Mayan ruins. The true genius of this cartoon is not only in the punchline itself, but in the calamitous crash of high culture and low-brow humor contained within the joke. Scratchy is sitting there, discussing a truly life-changing philosophical, almost religious, awakening, and the punchline is completely vulgar childish humor.
Combine that with the fact that if you're at all familiar with Wakko Warner, you know precisely what the joke is going to be the instant the waiter comes over and says, "and another soda for the puppy." The whole cartoon builds up to the climactic moment, and there is never any surprise what the payoff is going to be, but when it finally does happen you're completely and totally unprepared for what you get.
It's Password Day! My email password is no longer mcdr33my
Ooo, that's a good one.
So today's message is, as loyal readers know, the next in a series of messages designed around having to change all my passwords at work on a ridiculously frequent basis. For the record, none of the "Password Day" passwords listed in the blag have ever been used as my email password...nor will they be.
Glad you clarified. So what else is good?
Good is such a strong word. After last week's Conversation with Evil Jeremy regarding old "TGIF" Sitcoms, I felt inspired to watch some of what I thought was the height of amusement years ago. What I found was horrifying...including the following video, which many of you will recognize as the music video a lovestruck ALF made for Lynn Tanner. For some reason, I remember it being better than this...I was mistaken. Enjoy!
A clown will not bite me and throw me in the basement.
This sounds like an intensely personal problem.
Actually, it sounds like a hilarious cartoon.
One in the same, really.
So today's Message is a quote from the Animaniacs short "Clown And Out" which features a clown getting worked over by Wakko in a vain attempt to perform a birthday show. Today's Sametime Status is especially appropriate since one of my loyal readers, who also happens to be a coulrophobic, is celebrating a real birthday today.
Any chance of watching cartoons at work today?
You know what? That's a great idea. Here's "Clown and Out"
As a special side note, "Jeremy Is In The Office" will be out of the office this coming monday in observance of Memorial Day. Please enjoy the holiday, but also make sure to take some time from your barbecues and summer fun to remember the true meaning of the holiday and remember those who have served our country. Thank you, and enjoy the long weekend.
Stupid Bumper Sticker of the Day: "I Brake for Trains"
Stupid? That seems like pretty sound judgement.
Of course it's sound judgement! It's common freakin' sense to stop for a train. What do you think you're going to accomplish by not stopping for a train?
Getting to your destination quicker?
No. If you don't stop when a train is moving in front of you, you will stop by way of the train. In a collision between your car (and I don't really care what kind of car you drive) and a train, the train will win. Guaranteed!
Okay but maybe...
NO! Never nuts around with trains! They're big and will mess you up! The average freight train weighs 6000 tons. Trains in some parts of the world can approach 200 miles per hour. Put those two numbers together, and you have an incredible amount of force.
Freight trains don't travel 200 miles per hour.
That is so not the point! Did you know that more people died in train accidents last year than bowling accidents, Blogging Accidents, and Bird Flu COMBINED!
Where did you get this information?
I made it up to sound scary.
That's what I thought. Ever consider that Bumper Sticker Boy meant he just likes model trains?
Well...no. But if the one message he wants to send to the world is that he has a thing for toy trains, he's got a whole new set of issues.
I'm pretty sure I cursed at Mario Kart more in one hour last night than any other video game in history combined.
A little road rage perhaps?
Maybe just a little, but I assure you, I'm NOT ALONE.
So in the middle difficulty level of the new Mario Kart Wii, which I have obviously yet to master, you get to ride on motorcycles instead of karts. This serves no useful purpose I'm aware of other than to make it more difficult to keep yourself on the road. Also, the time gap between first and seventh place is at most a second and a half. What this means, ultimately, is that you can be leading an entire race, and on the second half of the final lap, you get nailed by a blue shell, then when you land back on the ground one of the other bikes speeds past you, knocking you right back off the bike and off onto the side of the road. Getting back on the road is now slow because the bikes don't travel well off-road, and by the time you're fully up and racing again, you've been relegated to 8th place with no chance of catching anyone before the end of the race.
And how many consecutive times did this happen to you?
It all comes down to what you mean by 'semantics.'
Well, I guess it depends on what the definition of "Is" is.
Right. So anyway, I've gotten a couple comments from people about the prizes given away on the Blag here for Theme Week Contests. It seems some people think they're pretty weaksauce prizes.
I thought the Official set of Bragging Rights were totally decent.
Me too...but apparently, people want more. It's the problem with our culture today. Everybody expects everything to be given to them for nothing.
It's not exactly nothing...they do have to win the contest. Some of those are tough.
Well, rather than giving away better prizes, I thought I'd share with you an Interwebz contest with a prize that is potentially more lame than the Jeremy Is In The Office Home Game: Volume IV - Ticker Tape Parade. K-Swiss, makers of fine footwear, is currently running a contest where the "Grand" prize is, and I am not making this up, A 15-Minute Phone Call From Anna Kournikova. That's right, folks...a whole phone call from a washed up has-been (really a "never-was") tennis player with a thick Russian accent that you probably can't even understand over the phone anyway who probably will be handed a sheet of paper with 15 minutes worth of corporate-sponsored talking points seconds before having your number dialed for her. Truly a life-changing event...much like winning Wimbledon. Maybe you could ask her what that's like just to see what kind of reaction you get.
Kinda puts things in perspective. Maybe your next prize can be a 15-minute phone call from the Official "Jeremy Is In The Office" Office.
Not a bad idea.
Speaking of bad ideas, Battlefield Earth was a bad idea. For reasons only a handful of loyal readers understand, but nobody really needs, I've decided to share with you one person's vision on how to improve this travesty of a film:
“"I'm optimistic, because everyday I get a little more desperate. And desperate situations yield the quickest results." Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin
Ahh that nutty Michael Scott. He's at it again.
He sure is. Well, tonight is it, folks.
The start of the Captain and Tennille Farewell Tour?
No...it's the Season Finale of The Office. While we had a bit of a season finale earlier because of that whole Writers' Strike thing (Which, for better or worse did not adversely affect the Blag you've come to know and love), tonight is actually it. Tonight is the night we say goodbye to Toby Flenderson and hello to Dunder Mifflin Scranton's new HR representative...I'm sure Michael has some great plans in store for her. We'll see most of our PA-based paper sellers back in Season 5, starting in the fall.
There once was a man from Nantucket. Who got on a train to Boston. This poem doesn't rhyme. And the last line is missing.
I'd snap my fingers, but that doesn't translate well over Internet.
So today, I thought I'd inject a little culture into the Blag by introducing you all to some poetry.
That's very thoughtful and informative of you. Thank you for this.
So in addition to the above poem, I'd like to present you with an edition of Dot's Poetry Corner:
And let's not forget one of my all-time favourite poems, from an episode of "Police Squad!", here's The Champ: (If you're in a hurry, you can skip ahead to the 6:45 mark...otherwise, the whole episode is pretty funny)
Stupid Bumper Sticker of the day: "Kids in Sports Stay Out of Courts."
Bumper Stickers Suck.
Most people are pretty tame when it comes to their bumper stickers, choosing to show off their kid's honor role status or their country of origin, and that's okay. Also, I don't have as much of an issue with people who splatter stupid bumper stickers all over the back of their piece of junk car to the point where the adhesive actually becomes integral to the structure of the car. But when somebody actively chooses to only have one or two bumper stickers, choosing their only message to send to the world, and it's something moronic, I really start to question that person.
How about an example, Jeremy?
Sure thing! Not long ago, I saw a car with only one sticker on it, telling people (in so many words) to use cloth diapers. Let alone the fact that I don't want to drive a car with the word "Diapers" written anywhere on it, but are you actually telling me that this person's single biggest contribution to society as a whole is using a cloth diaper? That's pathetic.
So how does that relate to today's Sametime Status?
So last week I drove behind a guy with a lone bumper sticker on the back of his car. It contained the above phrase, "Kids in Sports Stay Out of Courts." And it got me thinking of just what great life lessons all of my gym teachers ever taught me, which would be none, and how many of the best athletes in my high school are now serving me french fries, and how all of my gym teachers grew up to be...well...gym teachers, and at first I almost agreed with the sticker. Then I thought of the website Badjocks.com and all of the stories of high school athletes and coaches getting arrested. Then I thought of Michael Vick, who's still in jail. Then I thought of Roger Clemens, who will likely be spending the next two years in various courts. Then I thought of whoever that football player is who's suspended because of a shooting, and some other football player's car wash that got shot up, and that basketball player who ran up into the stands to cause a brawl, and that French guy that headbutted the other guy in the World Cup...and I thought...with all of these great role models, how can Kids in Sports POSSIBLY get in any trouble?
Then, I was alerted to an important story that is bound to shake the sporting world to its foundation. The reach of Performance Enhancing Drugs knows no bounds and has horrifyingly invaded yet another of our beloved pastimes. Ladies, Gentlemen, and People from Elmira, I present you the Troubling Story of Axel Buescher.
And while we're at it, how about Pete Rose, who is suspsended from Major League baseball for life...SINGING!
On my way to work this morning, I passed a truck that was labeled "Cutler Repaving." I misread it as "Cutlery Paving," and decided that they were the people who put the forks in the road.
Alright...if you say so. I think you should just get on with the Theme Week stuff instead of horrible one-liners.
Very well. Once again, The Most Intelligent Readership In The World has impressed me with their breadth of knowledge. Typically, Theme Week Quizzes are designed to start off easy and get harder towards the end, culminating on Friday. Last week, the Friday "Name That Tune" quiz received the most correct answers of any day in the Theme Week. Simply tremendous.
So what was the answer, and who won?
The answer to Friday's quiz, as correctly stated by just about everyone under the sun is "Short Skirt/Long Jacket" by Cake. Looking at the final tally, it looks like the winner of Name That Tune Week, with a nearly perfect score of 9.5 is Jim! Congratulations, Jim. Tell him what he's won.
Jim...you've won the coveted Jeremy Is In The Office Home Game, Volume IV: Ticker Tape Parade. Hours of fun for the whole family. Congratulations!
To celebrate, here's a live cut of Cake performing Friday's song:
That does it for another great Theme Week Quiz. Thanks for playing, and we hope to see you back...well...just about every day for more Sametime Status Goodness. The next Theme Week is just around the corner. Good Night Everybody!!!
Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Name That Tune Week!
Name That Tune!
Qualities desired in girl
Mind
Comparable to diamond
Knowledge of what is best
Burning eyes
Comparable to cigarettes
Allocations
Correct
Fast
Thorough
Sharp
Comparable to tack
Prosperity
Uninterrupted
Shining finger nails
Comparable to Justice
Dark voice
Comparable to tinted glass
And sadly, another Theme Week Comes to an end. This was fun!
Well, I hope the readers enjoyed it as well. The competition is coming right down to the wire, I think. I'm not at liberty to divulge the current standings, of course.
So about yesterday's...I'm not so sure Willie's answer of "Jingle Bells" was quite it.
It was close, but not quite what I was looking for. The answer to yesterday's list was, of course, "When Doves Cry" by Prince and the Revolution. Let's have a look:
Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Name That Tune Week!
Name That Tune!
Me
Standing
Alone
Description of surroundings
Cold
Possible reasons for my current situation
Me
Comparable to my father
Too bold
You
Too Demanding
Comparable to my mother
Never Satisfied
Well, there that is.
Quite. So, yesterday's answer is, of course, the Proclaimers' song "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" which prompted several people to ask what the word "Haver" means. Well, as you can see in the video below, haver is an ancient Scottish word meaning, "To talk rubbish."
Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Name That Tune Week!
Name That Tune!
Things to do in your general vicinity
Wake up
Go out
Get drunk
Haver
Come home
Grow old
That's it?
That should be all you need...maybe.
Well, I totally knew yesterday's. It was "Mr. Roboto" by Styx. It's a childhood favourite of mine.
Right you are. "Mr. Roboto" is one of those songs that you listen to years later and think, "Why in God's name did I ever like this song?" but by that time, it's stuck in your head again, and you just can't make yourself not like it.
So here you go, everybody. Don't not like this:
Here's a fun fact: a full 50% of the people that correctly replied to yesterday's quiz began their answer with the phrase "Domo arigato." You're welcome.
Jeremy's Sametime Staus Proudly Presents: Name That Tune Week!
Name That Tune! Observations - Day 9:
Reached border desert/sea
Released horse
Presence of
Plants
Birds
Rocks
Things
Sand
Hills
Rings confirmed
Correlation of desert/sea noted (subterranean population of latter)
Cities contain
Heart of ground
No love
YAY! Theme Week Quiz!
A little while ago on the Interwebz, the great Ryan North of Dinosaur Comics, a regular favourite of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, derived a way of modifying the lyrics of popular songs into list form, as seen above. The end result is the driest possible rundown of the lyrics, and usually fairly amusing. As an example:
Requested actions to be performed on behalf of matriarchal parental unit
Render you unconscious
This is obviously the sentiment put forth by L.L. Cool J. in his masterwork, "Momma Said Knock You Out."
This is where you come in. Tell the Readers how it works!
All you have to do is ready the day's Sametime Status / Blag Entry (The Blag may be a bit easier to comprehend due to formatting) and reply with the correct name of the song AND artist.
At the end of the week, the person with the most correct answers will win a valuable prize. Tell them what they'll win!
This week's winner will receive the Jeremy Is In The Office Home Game: Volume IV - Ticker Tape Parade.
Great Stuff! Entries will be received via Instant Message, Email, or Blag Comment. One entry per person per day will be allowed, so before you hit that "Send" button, make sure you really REALLY mean it. Entries will be accepted from the time the day's song is posted until 8AM the following morning.
I thought so. In fact, as a special surprise for all you Loyal Blag Readers, I'm going to share a bit of my thought process this morning.
This should be very, very brief.
Long ago, I had a Sametime Status that said, "What would happen if somebody were to ask a rhetorical question?"
I think I remember that one. I hated you for it.
Around the same time, I wrote a similar one that went, "What if there were no more rhetorical questions?"
They're kinda the same.
Exactly. I thought if I kept pushing it down the list, eventually enough time would pass that it would be new again...and I looked at it again this morning and decided that it still wasn't the time, and it may never be. So you get the Cat one instead. However, since I really do like it, I decided to share it with you on the Blag here.
Okay...uhmm...thanks?
You're welcome.
You know what you haven't done in a while?
Yes I do. Theme Week! So to rectify that, we're going to be running a Special Theme Week Quiz for Fun and Valuable Prizes next week!
Woohoo!
So spend this weekend brushing up on World History, The Origins of Golf, Jailed Hollywood Starlets, Obscure Sports (No, Jeremy, Hockey is NOT an obscure sport), Stand-Up Comedians, and Nepalese Sherpas. One of those may come in handy.
"I didn't think it was appropriate to invite children, since it's uh, you know, there's gambling and alcohol, it's in our dangerous warehouse, it's a school night, and you know, Hooter's is catering, and is that...is that enough? Should I keep going?" Toby Flenderson; Dunder Mifflin
Wow...I think this is the first Toby quote you've had up here.
And without YOUR help, it may be the last!
You've turned the blag into a shameless telethon. I hope you sleep at night.
At issue here are a number of things. There is a heavily rumoured Office Spinoff show coming in the next year and Toby made a major announcement in last week's episode that he's moving to Costa Rica...after he made a horrifically failed pass at Pam in front of the entire Office. (Yes, Pam is still dating Jim.)
So, after that incident, the season finale episode coming in 2 weeks is titled "Goodbye, Toby" and the episode summary says that Michael throws a celebratory going-away party for Toby, who is leaving Dunder Mifflin.
NO! Say it ain't so!
I'd like to! That's why I'm calling for an Internet petition amongst the loyal Blag readers (and whoever happens to come here from such favourite links as Bird Flu Breaking News and The Google) to join me in my campaign to SAVE TOBY!
You do know that Save Toby is already taken by a handful of Internet scammers who posted a couple pictures of an adorable bunny, right?
