Syrup Comes From Canada. It's Cold There, Too

I think people are getting sick of French Toast Days by now

This is categorically untrue.  Everybody loves French Toast!  Especially breakfast for dinner...that's a special treat.  Incidentally, I'm hungry now.  

French Toast Days have nothing to do with actually eating French Toast, although I suppose there's nothing prohibiting that.  French Toast Days are the days right before a major, cataclysmic weather event where people flock to grocery stores and stock up on all the bread, milk, eggs, and Oxford Commas.  Three of which are the key ingredients to French Toast.

Pro Tip:  Add a teaspoon of Vanilla Extract to your egg batter before you dip the bread in.  You're welcome.

So, as you may be aware, there is a major, cataclysmic weather event happening in the Greater Jeremy Area which promises to dump the worst show accumulation of the week all over everything.  We could be seeing final snow totals of up to 3 inches around here.  As you might expect, all of the schools have closed early, everything's cancelled for tonight, and people are deciding how early they're going to leave work.  

What's unfortunate is the sheer number of times this kind of crap has happened already this winter, and it's only January.  We're sick of snow days and stupid cold temperatures.  It's time to move somewhere warm.  Who's with me!?

Jeremy Is Number One!

If there isn’t a trophy for “Best Trophy Maker,” then there should be

Maybe they just award him a ribbon.

So today's Sametime Status comes to you courtesy of one of those lunchtime conversations you have with coworkers that just goes completely off the rails.  

Not long ago, we were discussing the time-honored tradition of rewarding achievements with trophies, and how the concept has gotten completely watered down in recent times.  We all know that now, everybody gets a trophy just for participating so that they feel good about themselves and assume they did a god job no matter how horrendously they actually did.  The Wussification of America, if you will....and I do.  

It got me thinking if there was a group of people that adjudicates how well trophy makers do their jobs.  You can find trophies for just about anything, from spelling, to debating, cooking, sports, even Reading.  No, you do not get a trophy for reading my Blag.  You get the satisfaction of a job well done, and of knowing you did your best.  

We don't have much of a budget here.

It would stand to reason that Some Trophy Makers are better than Others when it comes to aesthetics.  Since we give out trophies for everything else, why not have a trophy for best trophy?  Of course, if your trophy for the best trophy was your trophy, then you could ostensibly get to just take your own trophy and have turned the entire thing into a completely worthless exercise.

Much like reading this website.

I wouldn't say it was completely worthless.  This whole spiel was an excuse to post This Video, so it's not a total loss.  

I'm Rich!

I saved 5 cents because my cashier couldn’t do math!

Ooo...five whole cents!  Don't spend it all in one place.

The fact that I have five extra cents really is tangential to my story today.  It's a tale of rampant stupidity and the fact that it has invaded our society.  It's everywhere, and it's really pretty annoying.  The lack of even the most basic intelligence is not only ignored, but it's often celebrated.  Don't believe me?  Check your friendly local social networking site for proof.  Within 5 posts, you will find a word misspelled, a piece of poor grammar, or a sentence fragment that makes absolutely no sense when actually read as typed.  Some of the more popular ones are a misuse of their/there/they're...it's/its,   or my personal pet peeve, when somebody uses the word "of" in place of "have" because of contractions, as in "I should of gone to the store."  If you correct these people, you are shunned as a Grammar Nazi, or more likely, "Grammer Nazi."  

It's one thing if you're simply posting your own ignorance on your social network where you are the only one who gets judged by your idiocy, but when your lack of concern for the simplest of tasks reflects on others, you'd think it would be taken more seriously.  You'd be wrong.  I was walking through the grocery store not long ago, and a series of signs caught my eye.  I'm guessing the Manager wanted to have a series of specials in the meat section, so displays were made.  These were signs meant to be posted for everyone in the store to see.  I'm sure whoever made these signs had a smartphone with them and could have taken an extra 10 seconds to look up how to spell a word if they were unsure, but they weren't concerned about things like having a sign that made the store not look like it's run by a bunch of poorly-trained monkeys.  The signs (all of them) said, and I'm quoting here, "MANGERS SPECIAL!  WHILE SUPLY'S LAST!!"  Dear Lord.  The sign has 5 words, 40 percent of which are misspelled, it contains a gratuitous apostrophe which has no business being there, and three exclamation points.  Simply atrocious.  

If I was the manager (Or "Manger"), whoever wrote that sign and actually put it out on a display case for customers to see as a showcase for my store would be turning in their apron and looking for a new job before lunch.  But maybe I'm being too harsh.  After all, it's only a sign which impacts public perception of my business...surely it can't be directly impacting my business financially.  Except last week, I was getting a sandwich from a chain sandwich restaurant which shall remain nameless, but which makes you feel like you're being transported by a type of underground train.  My change due at the end of the transaction was 73 cents.  I don't know about you, but I was taught coins at a very young age, and the thought of 73 cents appearing in my hand as something other than two quarters, two dimes, and three pennies would seem awkward.  Sure, if the register was out of quarters, and I was offered 7 dimes, I would understand, but you get the idea.  We all know how to count out 73 cents.  It never occurred to me that a cashier...somebody who gets paid by a business to handle, count, and exchange money on behalf of that business would be unfamiliar with coin denominations.  My change was handed to me in the form of three quarters and three pennies.  I had to double check my receipt to make sure of what happened, and sure enough...my cashier friend was under the impression that three quarters add up to 70 cents.  The government recently has looked into abolishing the penny.  I think they should just abolish all hard currency, because we've finally reached the point in the slippery slope of stupidity where our cashiers don't know how to deal with it anymore. 

I would post this story to a social networking site, but I would just be mocked for being a Math Nazi. 

Watch It Rain

I’m calling it!  Schools around here are going to be closed tomorrow due to snow

Good job, Jeremy.  Everyone else is calling it, too.  You're not special. 

So as you may or may not be aware, it's winter here in the Greater Jeremy Area.  That occasionally means that it's going to snow, and depending on the amount and timing of that snow, it can cause issues.  Well, tomorrow's snow is expected to cause issues.  I've seen numbers ranging from 2 - 16 inches of snow over the course of the storm.  2 inches would be acceptable...16 would suck right out loud.  I'm hoping for something on the lower side of that estimate, but the line between 6-12" and 12-24" keeps creeping closer and closer this direction, so I'm not optimistic.  

That said, the mere thought of snow closes most of the schools around here.  They're a bunch of wusses.  In my high school days, a foot of snow didn't even result in a 2-hour delay.  The school board just laughed at us and said, "Get up, suckers...time to go to class!"  I'm not sure how I feel about all these schools getting snow day after snow day for amounts of snow that wouldn't even have caused an eyelash to blink back then.  I'm sure there's some jealousy because I never got any snow days when I was in school...just two "Cold" days when the high temperature was somewhere in the 10-below range.  There's also a sense of relief that the school buses won't be out on the roads where they can get in accidents and give lawyers something to do.  

So, folks...that's it for today.  I'll be battening down the hatches after work today in anticipation of a little extra crap to shovel tomorrow.  It'll be fun! 

It's warm?

Look around, Leaves are brown, And the sky is a hazy shade of winter.


Employing a little mind over matter today?


Indeed. If you don't mind, it don't matter.


So even though it's a brisk 98 degrees today, you'll sing songs about winter and snow, and nobody will notice.


Well, I also figured that since everybody is out there whining about the heat today, hearing somebody sing about snow would be a welcome change of pace.

It's hot. Deal with it.

I know I was

You'll be sad when you learn what "Spring Spheres" are


We can only hope they're not like those tacky reflective ball things people put in their yards.


Oh, if only that were the case. No, today's Sametime Status refers to the further deterioration of us as a people. In fact, I'm going to put this down as another in the series of Sametime Statuses I like to call "The Wussification Of America"!


Brief stop here for thunderous applause.....and go.


"Spring Spheres", as it turns out are the oblong spheroids formerly knows as "Easter Eggs". Yes, According To Some Dopes In Seattle, the term "Easter Egg" is deemed offensive enough that it needed to be removed from schools, and replaced with the politically-correct "Spring Sphere" even though eggs are not spherical. So polluting kids minds with an ostensibly neutral, albeit originally religious holiday is wrong, but polluting their minds with the fact that an egg and a sphere are the same shape is perfectly acceptable? I'm going to go ahead and Call Bunk on that.


Let the record show that Bunk has been called. So, how else is society destroying itself today?


Funny you should ask. I was recently made aware of a new product, which is really just a variation on an ages-old product, but with a slightly different use. That's right, kids...the perfect solution for busy commuters is to wear a giant adult-sized bib to keep your shirt clean and dry when you ham-handedly pour coffee all over yourself. Ladies, Gentlemen, and people from Elmira, I present The SlobStopper!

Believe it or not, THIS VIDEO is even worse. The girl walking by hates him for spilling coffee on himself, but is enamored when he puts on a bib?!? Once again...I feel obligated to Call Bunk. It's been a full day.

It's okay...you'll do better next time

Ouch for the guy who gets picked last for the NHL All-Star Game


Well, the players are all selected in advance.


That's not the point. You still get the monicker of being the guy picked last for the game. It's hilarious.

Anyway, maybe now is a good time to point out that the NHL has come up with a new way to pick teams for the All-Star Game. This year, they're going to have captains pick the teams, in a fashion very similar to grade-school dodgeball. Apologies to those of you who live in Maine, Maryland, New York, Virginia, Texas, Massachusetts and Utah, as Dodgeball has been banned from schools in those states, so you may not know what I'm talking about. (No, I'm not making that list up)

Anyway...canonically speaking, the most athletic and popular kids are chosen first, then on down the schoolyard food chain until you get to the dorky kid who wears glasses and is athletically clutzy as the final pick. So, even though he will be one of the top hockey players in the world, somebody is going to be the dorky kid with glasses who gets picked last for the All-Star game...and I'm looking forward to finding out who it is.


You never wore glasses.


Which just makes it that much more unfair!

Still holding out hope for Fall

I saw a snowflake! Why are the schools still open?


Because it's like 40 degrees, there was barely any snow, and it's just going to rain for the rest of the day?


That's not the point. Schools are wussies, and around here they cancel classes at the first hint of snowfall. It's really quite annoying, given the fact that I never got any snow days when I was in high school.


Yeah, yeah...4 feet of snow, walking uphill both ways...


Actually, no. But it's true that they never did close school for snow. It closed down for cold one time, but never snow...or ice...or hail...


Is this a new Blag feature called "Jeremy Is Jealous"?


Nah. I think I have enough features. I'll just go ahead and file this under The Wussification Of America and call it a day.


Sounds like a plan.

It's Global Warming!!!

Yes, it's 100 degrees again. No, I don't miss winter.


But think of the children!


Wait, what?


Yeah, I don't know...was just going for a bit there.


So anyway, you may have heard that there's a bit of a heatwave going on in the Northeast US this week. It's obviously due to global warming, or else El Nino...Possibly some combination of both.

Anyway...yes, it's hot. I have fans and an air conditioner and whatnot running, and I end up sweaty and such if I go outside...but guess what...that happens. One of the perks of living in the Northeast is that you experience all 4 seasons. Sometimes Fall and Spring get bypassed a bit, but you get the idea. One of the downfalls of living in the Northeast is that you have people whining about all 4 seasons non-stop. Observe:

• Summer - "Oh, it's so hot! I can't believe how hot it is. Don't you miss Winter? I'd like to live somewhere that's not so hot."
  
• Fall - "Oh, it sucks having to rake up all these leaves! It's too much work. Don't you miss Spring, where the leaves are all on the trees? I'd like to live somewhere where the leaves don't fall."
  
• Winter - "Oh, it's friggin cold! I hate having to shovel all this snow. Don't you miss Summer? I'd like to live somewhere where it's warm all year." (By the way...this is me.)
  
• Spring - "Oh, it's rainy! I hate looking at all these sticks before they grow leaves. Don't you miss Fall when all the colors are out and it's pretty? I'd like to live somewhere where it doesn't rain so much."

Basically, you can't win. Somebody will be whiney and annoying, and you can't do a thing about it. It's very much like the weather and Bird Flu in that regard...it's just going to happen so suck up and deal.

Safer Than A Toyota Recall

Guaranteed way to save money! Do all of your shopping on Craigslist, but only buy from entries that use proper grammar.


You will starve, go homeless, and run out of clothes within a week.


This, of course, is the downside of my plan...but you will definitely save money.

Use of proper language is a lost art, helped along by various media outlets telling us to "Live Adventurous," watch "Less Commercials," and tell us "Here's today's winning numbers." These are all examples from actual advertisements, and if you don't see anything wrong with those, I hate you.


Craigslist is even worse, though.


Exactly. Craigslist sucks. Craigslist is like the Wikipedia of advertisement. Anybody who feels like it can write their own, and silly things like spelling and grammar are tossed to the wolves. Have a little fun. Go to craigslist and search for a car. Any car. You will invariably find one that "runs good." Other items "need sold today," are being sold for a "cheep" price, or have such a rambling wreck of a run-on sentence in the ad, you forget if you're buying or selling. It's obnoxious.


So I believe we have some wrapping up to do.


Indeed. Friday marked the end of the "US Olympian or Foreign Head of State" Theme Fortnight, and it introduced us to Jinelle Zaugg-Siergiej. Jinelle plays women's Ice Hockey and is representing the US in Vancouver, having already played in the team's 12-1 win over China on Sunday.


That brings the final stats to an Un-Jeremy-Like 6 Olympians and 4 Foreign Heads of State. Way to beat the OCD and leave an unbalanced result, Jeremy.


Thank you. I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank all of the participants from the last two weeks and hope everyone had fun playing.

At this time, all of us here at Miracle Posting, Inc are proud to announce the winner of this week's contest. In an unprecedented achievement, we have Co-Winners! Loyal Readers Willie and Steve both chalked up 5 correct answers, beating out a 6-player logjam at 4 to claim the title. You'll both receive the coveted Jeremy Is In The Office Home Game; Volume VI - Olympic Medals. Enjoy!

Buy my album!

Now eligible for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame


Congratulations, Jeremy. I hope you get in this time...I know you've felt snubbed the last few years, what with never putting out an album of really anything...ever...but I'm sure it's going to happen for you now.


Halls of Fame suck.

In a world where we pay way too much attention and money to things that really don't matter (sports, movies, etc...), celebrities have become so absurdly obsessed with themselves and their accomplishments that it's getting a little weird. My main issue with this type of nonsense is, of course, awards ceremonies. I just saw a commercial saying that the Grammy awards were coming up. That's for music...but wasn't there a whole bunch of ruckus about Taylor Swift's acceptance speech being interrupted not all that long ago? Isn't she a musician? So maybe I'm wrong here, but if we very recently had an awards show for musicians, why are we now having another awards show for musicians? Apparently, musicians have nothing better to do than get dressed up and receive award after award for the same song. If they're so bored, how's about coming over to my place and shoveling the driveway or something?


You couldn't afford that.


Building on this premise, the ultimate awards ceremony is the Hall of Fame. People gather in a building to look at a non-stop award to somebody for a job well done. Be it somebody who used to be good at Baseball, Football, Hockey, Lacrosse (It's in Baltimore, don't bother looking it up), Curling (also not making it up...Orleans, Ontario), Polka (Euclid, OH), or being a Robot (Pittsburgh, PA). Seriously? Fricking HAL 9000 is in a Hall of Fame?!?!

The main purpose for Halls of Fames' existance is so that they can hold induction ceremonies. Yes...an awards show. It's a great way to bring in people who are interested in seeing somebody or something they admire in person getting an award. This works out well for the Hall of Fame because people actually come to the place they normally wouldn't go to and spend money that they normally would spend elsewhere. Aside from Induction Ceremony Day, Halls of Fame barely exist. The inherent issue here is that invariably, Halls of Fame run out of people worth inducting. Since they MUST hold an induction ceremony to make money, SOMEBODY has to get elected and inducted every year. To that end, they decide to induct somebody who had been passed over previously, since people apparently get an indeterminate number of tries to get elected, or somebody who's not quite up to the previous standard of quality required for election. All that really happens is over the years, the quality of the Hall of Fame and the prestige associated with being inducted is decreased.

This week brought news that the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland, OH is lowering their election standards because they've run out of worthy people to induct. Rather than accept that there aren't any good bands left who are induction-worthy, it is apparently more important to the Hall of Fame to hold an induction ceremony, so they will elect a lesser band. Good job! You've officially sold out.

Maybe I'll start a Sell-Out Hall of Fame....

Friggin Heralds...

Pet Peeve: People who call the song "Hark The Herald"


You're clearly referring to the timeless holiday carol "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing"


Yes...and this bugs me more than you might think.


Here we go.


So, since our society has become lazy, we prefer to shorten everything we can...especially when it comes to pronunciation. Names (William=Bill, Jennifer Lopez=J-Lo, Bradley Pitt and Jennifer Aniston=Bennifer), Cities (Soho, SoCal, Dowisetrepla), restaurants (KFC, Mickey D's, Double D's), pretty much everything. I'm guilty of it too...one particular person who plays a key role in my sitcom grew accustomed to calling me "Jer" and then one day she randomly called me "Jeremy" and I was confused. It's really all part and parcel with The Wussification Of America...which is fine, except when it goes too far.

All of the names and places mentioned above at least make sense when you use them. But calling this song by the abbreviated name "Hark The Herald" is meaningless. It's laziness for the sake of laziness, and demeans the meaning of the song. You're saying to the world, "I don't care what the song is about or what it's supposed to mean, I'm going to shorten it because I don't feel like saying the whole thing." Is anything worse?


Probably...


The answer is a resounding "NO!"

Let's examine. A "Herald" is much like a fanfare. "Hark!" is like saying "Hey...listen." In the song, you're not listening to a mere fanfare. You're listening to a choir of angels announcing the birth of Jesus. They're Herald Angels! So, listen up people...the Herald Angels are singing. Pay attention!

Two stops is just a killer

Every store can be a "One-Stop" if the product line is narrow enough


Okay...time for another rant, I see. I'll get the soapbox.


Commercials suck.

Every once in a while, the advertising paradigm shifts and somebody comes up with the new slogan or catch phrase that's going to be overused in commercials for the next couple years. One of the latest ones that torques me is the phrase "One-Stop." So many commercials advertise their business as your "One-Stop Shop" for all of you fill-in-the-blank needs.

Here's the problem...that blank can be whatever they want it to be. Joe's is your one-stop shop for all of your organic, energy-efficient pest control needs. One place around here actually bills themselves as a one-stop shop for all of your non-traditional body piercing jewellery needs. If you actually have a series of places you go for that sort of thing depending on your needs, I feel bad for you. "Oh, I go go Store A for my 3/4-inch earrings, but I only go to Store N for tongue bars. I wish one place would carry both." Seriously? Nobody does that.

This whole concept starts out as part of my series of Sametime Statuses about The Wussification Of America, where we strive to make everything easier at the cost of just about everything else. In this case, we want one store that sells us everything we need so that we don't have to drive all the way to the other side of the strip mall for something else. This type of shopping lends itself to the formation of large automatonic stores that carry a limited supply of a remarkably wide array of crap. Yes, I'm looking at you, Walmart. "Motor oil, clothing, TV's, pesticide, tropical fish, and bananas all under one roof! It's the one-stop shopping I've been looking for!"

It's never seemed that hard to me...

Apparently, the Romans were really bad at making candles


I think this is politically incorrect...but I'm not sure


So I was in a store not long ago looking for scented candles (as I am wont to do), and I came across what I thought was a new style. It was called "Roman Candle" and it looked bright and festive, so I thought I'd give it a try. It had some sort of warning on it, but I ignored it like the warnings on all the scented candles I buy. It's usually something about not leaving it unattended or not lighting indoors or using a blow-torch to light it...you know...the usual stuff.


Kids aren't allowed to sit "Indian Style" anymore...it's called "Pretzel Style." I'm actually not making that up. So why are we allowed to buy "Roman" Candles?


So I light the candle in my room, and much to my surprise, it starts shooting stuff all over the place and filling the room with smoke. It was really quite distracting.


Not long ago, all the NCAA teams with Native American-themed mascots had to change them.


So I was a little shocked at this turn of events. The Romans were remarkably famous for their architecture and aqueducts and ability to build long-lasting roads. I'm just surprised that they couldn't figure out how to make a nice slow, clean-burning scented candle for me. It apparently took all the way to the 1700's (The "Yankee" days) before somebody could make a good candle. So I think from now on, I'm going to be buying the new Yankee-American style scented candles instead of the old-fashioned Roman version.


Jeremy and I, along with Miracle Posting Inc. would like to wish everyone a safe and explosive Fourth of July full of swimming pools and all the hamburgers you could want. "Jeremy Is In The Office" will be Out of the Office starting tomorrow and returning Tuesday, July 7th with more Fun and Frivolity.

I had to walk, of course.

I never got snow days when I was in school, either.


There's only a couple inches out there.


Which is why I'm at work today, instead of burrowing into a hole waiting for winter to end. This little dusting of snow isn't enough to stop me...although most of my coworkers have already decided to bail on the day, in addition to basically every school within a 50-mile radius.


Well somebody has to think of the children.


I honestly think in my entire high school career, I only got 2 snow days...and they weren't even snow days, technically. The high temperature was something like 10 below zero (-23C), and they cancelled school...but never because of snow. Now, every time there's snow, no matter how much, all of the nearby schools close. It's weird...there can be snow in the forecast, and schools will close...there was one day this winter when it was raining, and most of the schools thought it might turn to snow at some point, so they closed. (For the record, it didn't turn to snow...just rained all day.)

I guess my point is that I'm sure this aspect of The Wussification Of America is brought on by lawsuits against the school buses, which are all contracted out now and no longer run by the school district. It does make for a better drive to work, however. Everybody follows the school wussifcation with their own and stays home, so I have the roads all to myself...except for the overly cautious moron who feels obligated to drive 10MPH the entire way down the highway. Jerk.

Tomorrow, we'll look at "ois"

A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed.


Well that's remarkably unfortunate for the overly-described ploughman then, isn't it?


Indeed it is.


So what's the point?


The point is that in the English language, the letter combination "ough" can be pronounced nine different ways, and today's Sametime Status contains all of them.


Interesting, and educational. Thank you Jeremy.


In addition, today brings news that the coach of a high school girls basketball team that beat their opponent 100-0 Has Been Fired. This brings up the age-old question of how much do you let up on an over matched opponent in sports before you've crossed the line into classless showboating? What's actually more embarrassing...losing a basketball game by 100 points when the winning team does nothing but run out the clock and shoot low-percentage 3 point shots in the second half, or losing a game by 40 points to a team hot-dogging and running circles around you like the Harlem Globetrotters and only taking shots left-handed? Discuss!

It happens all the time

I can't be the only one who notices people who say "I love you" before hanging up on a telecon.


Ever notice how these Sametime Statuses that start with "I can't be the only one" usually turn out where you're the only one?


But this is different! In this new era of telecommuting, people are on telecons all the time. If you work exclusively from home, you often have no choice but to be on telecons. Some people are on telecons most of their natural lives and have the process down to an art and a science...but most of us will call into a meeting at most once or twice a day.

In addition to being the era of telecommuting, this is the Era of Wussification...and people get accustomed to their routines and mentally can't deviate from it. In much the same way that people have "Thanks" in their email signature so they don't have to type it each time, people have "I love you" at the end of their phone calls. Instead of an actual sentiment, it becomes a mere period at the end of the telephone sentence. Whether or not they love the person on the other end becomes irrelevant...it's simply what you say prior to hanging up. This is where the fun starts. This same person will join a telecon with people he or she merely works with, and has no feelings for. Once that person's contribution to the telecon expires, they exit the conversation the only way they know how..."I love you."

I'd like to tell you that the conference room containing the rest of the meeting participants feels a renewed sense of warmth and caring for the person who just hung up, but that's simply not the case. What follows is more of an awkward silence until somebody breaks the ice by replying "uhmm...we love you too, Bill" then chuckling and looking around the room for approval.

It's going to be a slamming good time.

Tonight is the big awards show for Pro Wrestlers. I’m actually not making that up.


Pro Wrestling has an awards show?


That's right, kids...tune in tonight to watch all your favourite wrestlers...standing around congratulating themselves on a job well done. I'm assuming there will be a match or two thrown in for good measure, but what's really important is that we celebrate their pretend achievements.


You mean wrestling is fake?


Granted...pro wrestling is not "Fake" as such...if a 7-foot tall guy picks you up over his head and throws you onto the floor, you really do fall, and it's going to hurt...but the basic concepts of wrestling are scripted in advance. Therefore, when the wrestling promoter gives out the award for "Superstar Of The Year" and "Tag Team Of The Year" it's based entirely on previously scripted matches as decided upon by the exact same promoter. He's basically giving an award to the wrestlers to whom he already decided to award the best matches and storylines. It's an extra level of fakeness on top of the faked fakeness. It's like the candles on top of the icing on the cake of fake.


But who else is going to give awards to the wrestlers?


Well, therein lies the rub. Pro wrestling is not the height of television. Sure, it makes billions of dollars, but it really can't be called "Good" TV. That's why you don't see pro wrestling shows winning Emmy awards, or wrestlers winning Oscars. Pro wrestling is also extremely thinly represented in other awards shows such as the MTV music awards, the American Music Awards, Grammy's, People's Choice Awards, Teen Choice Awards, Kid's Choice Awards, American Film Institute Awards, The National Society of Film Critic's Awards, The New York Film Critics Circle Awards, the MTV Movie Awards, the Essence Awards, the Daytime Emmy Awards, the Tony Awards, the Juno Awards, the Academy of Country Music Awards, the Inspirational Country Music Awards, the "A-List" Awards.

In an extra slap in the face, I discovered that one of the nominees for this year's Emmy Award for Outstanding Directing For A Variety, Music Or Comedy Program was THIS YEAR's OSCAR AWARDS!!!

I guess the point here is that awards shows suck. People stand around and congratulate themselves on a job well done. Well...in that same tradition, I'd like to announce that next year, I'll be running a Theme Week Awards Show called the "Jeremy Is In The Office Awards." It will feature various members of the media, entertainment, sports, pop culture, I'll probably give an award to myself, and most likely culminate with the award for "Member Of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World Of The Year."

I'll accept nominees now through...well...sometime before the ceremony. Good luck everybody!

Today's post goes right down the pan...

Auto-Flushing Commodes. The Newest Advance in Sanitation Technology, or a Cutthroat Self-Fulfilling Business Prophecy? Discuss.


Clearly, having self-flushing facilities merely serves to increase the cleanliness. Sometimes there are inconsiderate people who don't take the half a second to flush and just leave by-products sitting around in an un-sanitary fashion. Having these things taken care of automatically can only serve to better the area.


From the business side, some company, let's call it "Sanicorp" created the auto-flushing mechanism, and installed it in a handful of facilities. Yes, the sanitation level went up a bit, but it also brings out the laziness in people. In typical fashion, people get a sense of entitlement, and now grow to expect the john to be flushed for them and get into the habit of just walking away and leaving the cleaning up to science. At this point, the facilities with the auto-flushers maintain an expected level of cleanliness, while the ones without begin to suffer, as the following chart clearly shows:


Where did you get that data?


What's important to note is that facilities owners will see this same data and come to the inescapable conclusion that the only way to properly maintain clean facilities is to install the auto-flushing mechanism, forcing them to purchase more of "Sanicorp's" product.

No no, Mr. CEO....I'll get the check.

Busy today planning the next AIG Corporate Retreat.


So you probably saw the news over the last week or so, but since last week was Theme Week, I couldn't get this posted. However, you get to have it now.

In a story that speaks for itself, An AIG Corporate Retreat was held back in late September, roughly a week after you and I paid our tax money directly into their company. I can't think of a better way to celebrate being rescued by taxpayers from your own failure than renting 26 Executive suites, 5 Presidential suites, getting manicures and massages, playing golf and enjoying lavish banquets.

In the great words of Mark's Sametime Status, we either need less corruption, or more opportunity to participate in it. I propose both! Since you and I now represent the majority stakeholder in the company, we should immediately fire anybody who had any involvement in the planning of this retreat and elect me CEO of the company. Anyone who leaves a Blag comment between now and 8AM tomorrow can have a directorship in our company and a nice golden parachute, courtesy of Uncle Sam. As for our corporate retreat, I'm open to suggestions, but at the moment, I'm looking into the Reach Resort in the Florida Keys.