Curse You, Pennybags!

I have no earthly clue why I downloaded the Monopoly app

Well, the actual explanation is that it was free that day.  As an app, it doesn't suck, so it's got that going for it.  

Yes, but that's entirely beside the point.  The point is, Monopoly sucks.  

Monopoly, as you know, is a rage-inducing board game published by Parker Brothers in 1935, and based on a game invented by Elizabeth Magie...who was a jerk.  The point of the game is simple, be the person who causes somebody else to throw the board into the air.

Every game of Monopoly basically goes the same way.  

One player (your opponent) goes around the board all willy-nilly collecting random crappy properties while you build your empire of railroads and utilities and light blue properties.  By sheer dumb luck, your opponent becomes the only person the entire game to land on Vetnor avenue, and has a monopoly on the Yellow properties, and basically nothing else.  He then proceeds to hop around the board, landing on Chance spaces, Free Parking, and the three other properties he owns, avoiding your hotels in the "house of horrors" corner of St. Charles Place while you land on Marvin Gardens every friggin time around the board.  If, by some miracle, you do miss the Yellows, you pass Go on your way to the Income Tax square, so you still have no money.  

You land one final time on Marvin Gardens, which now has three houses, costing you $850.  Your opponent insists that if you sell every house you bought and mortgage every property you own, you'll still have 3 dollars left, and therefore, you should continue playing the game because of that one time he got the "Take A Ride On Reading" card, so you still have a chance.  All you want is to punch your opponent in the face, throw the board, and flush the dice so you never have to see them again. 

Why anybody considers this a "family game" is beyond me.  

So not long ago, the official "Monopoly" app was on sale for zero dollars at an online retailer which for strictly blag purposes, we'll call "Nile.com".  I downloaded the thing and have lost all but one game I've ever played while expanding my knowledge of cursing at electronic devices.  Why did I do this to myself? 

None Of My Bowls At Home Are All That Great

Broncos vs Seahawks.  Who ya got?!

I plan on watching Puppy Bowl.  The competition is pretty strong this year.

So, here at Jeremy Is In The Office, we encourage the use of sporting events as diversions, particularly hockey.  Football becomes significantly relevant once a year, and that happens this weekend, when they play the big game at the end of the season.  I'm assuming I'm not allowed to say the name because the NFL prohibits people from saying it for any purpose other than paying the NFL for the right to say it.  Seriously...even businesses local to the game Can't Hang Signs Saying The Name even to welcome people to the area.   

Either way, that particular game will be happening on Sunday, which means the pregame show starts later tonight.  I should actually let you know about a video guide to attending the game created by resident New York puppet, Johnny T.  Go ahead and watch that, even if you fully expect to skip the game itself.  

Also worthy of note are prop bets, including the length of the national anthem, as performed by Renee Fleming, whether or not Renee Fleming will wear gloves while performing the national anthem, and what color the gloves will be.  Here's what I want to know.  Nobody knows who Renee Fleming is.  I just looked up a picture of her, and if she passed me on the street on my way home form work today, I wouldn't recognize her.  Is there any reason she shouldn't stop off in Las Vegas or log into some online betting website, bet the ranch on going Under the 139.5 second prop bet (incidentally, I had to look this up too, but "The clock measuring the anthem starts on Fleming’s first note and ends when she has completed the word 'brave.'"), then showing up at the game, singing really fast (not fast enough to disrespect America or anything, but easily under the 139-mark), and going back to collect?  Sure, it's the gambling version of Insider Trading, but if nobody recognizes you, it can't be illegal, right?  

Anyway...enjoy the really important football game.  It's going to be Supe....Stupendous!  

Please don't sue me, NFL...

I Actually Would Vote for B.B. Rodriguez

Vote Robot!


Didn't we just have an election between two robots?  I, for one, do NOT welcome our new robot overlords.  


As you may or may not know, I'm a fan of Wil Wheaton's celebrity board gaming show Table Top, and have even subsequently bought 3 of the games featured.  Yes, Pandemic is one of them.  Anyway, one of the games that hasn't been featured on the show is the timeless classic "Monopoly." 

Monopoly hasn't changed in quite some time, aside from the various novelty versions that have appeared from time to time.  The properties are all the same, the colors have been constant, the railroads are all still the same, good old Uncle Pennybags hasn't aged a day, and you can still go to jail for stepping in the wrong spot...pretty standard for a game based in New Jersey.  As with all timeless classics, fiscal responsibility eventually takes precedent over history and heritage, and Hasbro (Parent company of Parker Brothers) has now felt the urge to crap all over everything. 

Well, maybe not everything...but at least one thing. 

The company has set up an online vote, since nothing on the internet can possibly have its integrity challenged, to replace one of the iconic player tokens with one more stupid.  Currently, there are the Race Car, Top Hat, Battleship, Thimble, Boot, Wheelbarrow, Iron, and Dog.  Everyone wants to be the Race Car, and whoever picks last ends up as the Iron, and complains that he had to be the iron last time.  There are five new tokens set to replace one of the standards, which are a Guitar, Cat, Helicopter, Diamond Ring, and Robot. 

Obviously the diamond ring is stupid, so forget that one.  The cat is simply to shut up cat people who think that since there's a dog, there should be a cat.  The helicopter would be okay, if its design weren't so lame.  The guitar is a popular choice because music is currently not represented in any way in the game.  But, the only possible choice here is the robot.  Not only is it Adorable, but it represents the next stage in human evolution which has always accompanied the player tokens.  Monopoly is very much like a time capsule, showing society's place at the time the game was published.  Property values are adjusted for inflation, man's technical evolution is shown in the tokens (from clothes and sewing, to ironing, to scientific advances like cars and boats), and the overall goal is to gain as much money as you can at the total and humiliating expense of other people.  It's human heritage in box form, and it deserves to honor robotics.  Go vote, everybody!!

This Actually Happened

I’m probably on some government list now that I had a box labeled “Pandemic Shipper” sent to my house

I don't know you.  I had nothing to do with this.  I want to talk to my lawyer.  

Relax, it was perfectly innocent.  It's just interesting to me that the post office would allow something like this, and maybe even moreso that the people who sent it didn't think this through any more than they did.  Here's my story:

It was time to do a little shopping on the internets.  Yeah, I know...shop local and all that, but...eh.  One of the things that I decided to buy was a board game recently made famous on the web series Table Top, celebrity board gaming with Wil Wheaton, called "Pandemic."  The game looked amazing, and dealt with something that is near and dear to me, global disease pandemics, such as Bird Flu.  As a noted Bird Flu activist, I took the moral high-road and purchased the game so I can continue to spread the message of Bird Flu awareness through fun and cooperative team building.  It really was a no brainer, and probably something I should have waited for and just told somebody else to buy me for Christmas, but again...eh.  

I purchased the game from a noted online retailer that for strictly Blag purposes, we'll call "SouthAmericanRiver Dot Com."  One of the things that makes SouthAmericanRiver so appealing is the fact that if you spend enough money, they'll ship your stuff to you for free.  The game plus the couple other things I bought with the same order were plenty to put me over the free-shipping threshold...this is good!  In order to minimize their shipping costs, the retailer piled all three items into one box, which is no big deal, but in some cases may lead to damage to occur, since the items were all different sizes.  To minimize this possibility, the board game was initially placed into its own customized box before being loaded into the final packaging.  This customized box was boldly labelled "Pandemic Shipper."

Assuming the fine folks at SouthAmericanRiver didn't know precisely what was in the smaller custom box, they would have sat there gleefully loading a box called "Pandemic Shipper" into the outgoing mail.  I wonder what was going through their mind when they sent this out, and if the post office was aware of the labeling and are now monitoring my email and Blag to see if I'm sending deadly diseases to random people.  I'm really not.  I'm just playing a game!

I Also Miss Intelligence

I miss Yul Brynner, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera

Okay, I'm a voice in Jeremy's head, and even I have no idea what this is all about.

Funny you mention my Head, since today's Sametime Status celebrates the fact that tomorrow is National Chess Day!

Oh dear God, you made a connection that remote?  This is a stretch even for you.


I sure did, and it sure is.  So, as you may or may not be aware, (even though I mentioned it here once before, but I can't be bothered to look it up) the song "One Night In Bangkok" was originally recorded for the musical "Chess."

It was sung by Murray Head.

It includes the phrase "...a show with everything but Yul Brynner."

Yul Brynner died in 1985.

Yul Brynner's catch phrase from the movie "The King And I" was "et cetera, et cetera, et cetera." 

Many people will be confused by what "et cetera" means because they pronounce it "excetera" and won't recognize the words. 

Learning!