If Josh Towers were pitching, Casey hits a walk-off HR

In a bit of revisionist history, it turns out that Mighty Casey was batting against Roy Halladay. He never actually had a chance.


So today is basically opening day.


That's right. Even though there was a silly little 2-game set over in Japan last week, and the Washington Nationals opened their new park last night, today is the day that the rest of baseball catches up and starts their season.


So what's the deal with this Halladay character?


Roy Halladay is a pitcher for the Toronto Blue Jays, and widely regarded as one of the best pitchers in the game today. He's got one Cy Young award to his credit, and could easily contend for another this year.


And this Casey guy?


For those who have been living in a cave for the last 120 years, "Casey At The Bat" is the most widely recognized poem about baseball in history. First published in 1888 and written by Ernest Lawrence Thayer, the poem tells the story of the Mudville baseball team and their quest for victory, despite being a miserable bunch of players.


The poem doesn't say anything about the team being bad...


Well, here's the problem. We should assume that Casey, being the renowned heavy hitter on the Mudville roster, is batting clean-up, or 4th in the lineup. Normally, a good baseball manager will put his best hitter (at least as far as batting average is concerned) in the #3 hole, so that the odds of somebody being on base for the clean-up hitter are better. The #2 hitter is usually also a high batting average person, typically with good enough speed to run the bases effectively ahead of the #3 and 4 hitters.


And how does this apply to Mudville?


Well, as you can clearly see from the poem, Jimmy Blake is the #3 hitter, and he is described as "a cake", clearly implying that he is not a good hitter. Also the fact that the crowd started to leave before the "much despis-ed" Blake or Flynn bat shows how little faith the Mudville fans have in either of their abilities.

Add to that the fact that after Flynn's single, Blake "tore the cover off the ball" for a double. Any good #2 hitter (Flynn, in this case) should have easily been able to score from first on a hard-hit double, especially with 2 outs. As soon as Blake made contact, he should have been running with all he had. That didn't happen here, as there were runners on second and third after that double. Clearly, bad baserunning.


Okay, you've thought about this way too much.


Perhaps. But the fact remains, you have a free-swinging clean-up hitter prone to strikeouts (For those who have not read the poem, the previous line contains a spoiler, so don't read it.), a "lulu" with no baserunning skills as a #2 hitter, and a much despis-ed cake hitting 3rd (meaning you probably also have a bad manager for cobbling together a lineup like this), and you wind up with one bad baseball team. I hope they enjoy their time in the bus leagues, since none of them is ever going to make it to The Show.


The poem is also 120 years old. The players are dead.


There's also that. On another, lighter, baseball note, please enjoy the 1986 LA Dodger Baseball Boogie Bunch!

Chuck Norris is actually a distant third

Jet Li could totally whip Jackie Chan’s butt. Discuss.


I don't think the two are all that comparable.


That will soon be irrelevant, as Hollywood has finally listened to me.


They made a sequel to "Battlefield Earth"?


Uhm...no. I don't think anybody in the world short of John Travolta wants to see that.

What's more important is that Casey Silver productions has finally managed to fire two neurons in somebody's brain and cast Jet Li and Jackie Chan in the same film. It's been my idea for some time to have a 2-hour movie in which these two martial artists kick the crap out of each other the entire time.


In other words, it would be the real-life equivalent of the Family Guy Chicken Fights?


That's pretty much the size of it. So, with the April 18th release of The Forbidden Kingdom, I believe we're one step closer. However, I'm sure they'll mess it up with some sort of plot or characters or something.


What were they thinking?

Speaking of which...here's a hilariously tragic news clip about home improvement:



I...I don't even know how to respond to that.

An open letter to Mr. Lombardi

Once this season is over, can we please stop pretending that Brian Willsie has skills?


The true meaning of this hockey-related post is sure to be lost on Some Readers.


In that case....Story time!


I'll make popcorn.


You may remember a while back, I vowed not to go to bed during a hockey game again, no matter how late it was. While I've actually done a completely miserable job of keeping to that promise, last night's game was too good to pass up. The Kings were playing the Ducks in Anaheim, and rookie goaltenders Jonas Hiller and Erik Ersberg were putting on an absolute clinic, stopping some ludicrous number of shots between them, keeping the score 1-1 until very late in the third period. In the last 15 seconds of the game, Hiller makes an amazing stop on Kings winger Alex Frolov's clear cut breakaway to force overtime. Five minutes of OT solves nothing, and the teams went to a shootout.


Shootouts are usually pretty interesting and all....but how does Willsie fit into all this?


So, we go to the 6th round of the shootout, and the Kings still have players the likes of Lubomir Visnovsky, Mical Handzus, John Zeiler available to shoot. Anaheim scores on their 6th round shot, so the game is on the line as Coach Marc Crawford decides to send Brian "Skills" Willsie out to take LA's chance. You can Watch Video Here of Willsie's pathetic attempt at a deke before he tosses the puck directly into the goaltender, ending the game in a 2-1 Kings loss.


I suppose you could do better?


Not a chance. But I'm not getting paid a million dollars to be a Career -53 NHL player.

This season is lost for the Kings, and they're playing for the Stamkos Sweepstakes at this point, so I really don't mind them pulling a tank job like this. My concern now is for the future. A future with Mr. Stamkos and without Willsie. Let's work together to make this happen!

Every now and then, the Blag falls apart

Who wants to hear me sing the classic rock power ballad "Total Eclipse of the Heart" while simultaneously transforming the chorus into one focused on naughty limericks??


Honestly...I don't think I do.


Today's status comes to you once again courtesy of the whimsical webcomic, "Dinosaur Comics" and that lovable T-Rex. Specifically, This Strip which is part of a small series of antics regarding T-Rex rewriting song lyrics.


Utahraptor actually goaded him into this. Isn't HE really the main character?


No. T-Rex is the hero here.


So anyway...what else have you got for us today?


Well, perhaps you remember This Blag Entry from January in which I brought you the darker side of Hockey by showing a clip of a vicious brawl. Well, today, I'd like to also share the seedy underbelly of politics by presenting the following video of a meeting gone horribly awry. Please be warned, this video contains a graphic depiction of a brutal beatdown in a public setting and should not be viewed by anyone with a weak stomach.




Wow...I wouldn't think anyone could do that to another human being. She almost creased her newspaper.


I know! What is the world coming to? Discuss!

Comforting words

It is reassuringly hard to get stars to explode.


I hope for everyone's sake that you haven't tried recently.


I haven't, but other scientists have!


Do I need to invest in some SPF 5-Million?


Entirely doubtful. Today's message comes to you courtesy of Scientific American, and their article, Hot To Blow Up A Star. It's a pretty interesting article about how a Supernova is created, and the theories that have been presented in the past about how it can occur. Using computer simulations, people have been unable to truly explain or recreate the phenomenon...until now! Check it out!

Peanuty Hangover

Happy "Whine About Going to Work Because I Made Myself Sick Eating Too Many Peanut Butter Eggs Yesterday" Day!


How can you not eat too many of those things?


I wish I knew. Maybe the secret is to not be aware of their existence.


That's why you have a webpage. Have at it.


Ladies, Gentlemen, and People from Elmira. For those of you unawares, This Is The Reese's Peanut Butter Egg. Like a lot of great candy, these magical things appear around Easter time every year, commercializing yet another formerly spiritual holiday.

In this particular case, I'm not as offended, because they are roughly the candy equivalent of crack. Imagine if you will, a traditional Peanut Butter Cup, and now have it spend a good portion of it's life on Clemens Juice, pushing its Peanut Butter to Chocolate ratio to about 3x normal, and you get a Peanut Butter Egg.


Yep. They're pretty much the greatest thing ever invented.


And now, I have to wait a whole couple months before Reese's puts out the Halloween edition Peanut Butter Pumpkins. I would like every one of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World to write a letter to Hershey and request that they fill more holidays with Themed Peanut Butter Candies equal to the PB Egg. I suggest Peanut Butter Trees for Arbor Day, Globes for Earth Day, Stars for 4th of July, Pucks for the Stanley Cup Playoffs, and Boats for Battle Of Lake Erie Day. That way, we should be pretty much covered any time of year.


May not be the healthiest thing to do.


Really not concerned about that right now. I need a fix...


So, isn't it about time for some Hockey news?


Sure is! I'd like to take this opportunity to recognize Saint Norbert College of De Pere, Wisconsin for Winning the NCAA Div III National Championship this past weekend. There will always be a special place in my Blag for Division III hockey, since I followed it for my entire college career. I'd also like to send a special Thank You to the Plattsburgh Cardinals for defeating Elmira in the Semifinals. Well done, everybody!

You'll regret reading this

How did the basketball find his way to the hoop? He was tipped off.


That's...well that's just not even good.


Sorry...that's what you get when I'm making up jokes at 8AM.


We're going to get emails.


So we'll give the people what they want! Perhaps you read Jim's Comment on yesterday's blag about a basketball game that got Rick Rolled. Well, here's another real-life Rick Rolling. Enjoy!



Why exactly is Rick Rolling funny again?


Actually, I have no idea. So, I'd like to take this opportunity...


Nobody's reading anymore. They gave up on today's post long ago.


...to introduce to you another blog out there on the inter-tubez, since you obviously don't have enough to do. Please welcome back to the Blago-web Jeff, with his musings, I Am Trying to Steal the Sun. Good luck, Jeff!

Not talking about playoffs.

188 Feet. 7 Bounces. One embarrassed Goalie.


And a partridge in a pear tree...


Today's Status comes to you courtesy of Toronto Maple Leafs goaltender Vesa Toskala. More specifically, the New York Islanders broadcasters' description of a goal allowed by Toskala in the first period of last night's game. This goal, in a nutshell, describes why the Maple Leafs aren't talking about playoffs.



For those of you kids out there who think you can play NHL hockey better than this...send your resume to:

Toronto Maple Leafs
C/O Cliff Fletcher
40 Bay Street
Toronto, ON M5J-2N8


This public service brought to you by Jeremy's Sametime Status.


So anyway....wrapping up a couple loose ends:


First the contest! The winner of Number Sequence Week, and the recipient of an official set of "Jeremy Is In The Office" Props (suitable for collecting), with a total of 3 correct answers, is Evil Jeremy! Congratulations! A special thanks to all who participated, and good luck in the next contest.


And the winner of yesterday's poll, and the recipient of my 12-5 upset pick in Joe's NCAA Squeekball Pool is: Villanova! Congratulations Wildcats (Yes, I had to look up their mascot), and good luck in the Round of 32!

Theme Week Epilogue

Pick Jeremy’s 12-5 Upset! George Mason, Villanova, Temple, or Western Kentucky. Vote now!!!


Ooo...voting on basketball. Didn't think we'd ever see that on the blag...


It's that time of year again! Some kind of maddening of people around the March timeframe where everybody starts watching ludicrous amounts of basketball and spending time that they should be working following the NCAA Basketball tournament. That said...I don't follow basketball. I don't much like basketball. Therefore, when the brackets come out and I fill one out to try to win the pool, I'm hopelessly lost.


To quote the immortal Bulldog Briscoe, "You don't know squat. You know less than squat. You and Squat can go to the movies, and Squat can wear a t-shirt that reads 'I'm With Stupid.'"


That's not true. I know one inescapable fact about the NCAA pool. That is, that a #12 seed ALWAYS beats a #5 seed. I don't know why, or if that's even true...but it's a well-known fact. Duh.


So what are they 12-5 matchups this year?


We have:

• #12 George Mason taking on #5 Notre Dame
  
• #12 Villanova playing #5 Clemson
  
• #12 Temple goes against #5 Michigan State
  
• #12 Western Kentucky versus #5 Drake
  

So what do we do about this?


All you do is respond to me what your choice is for this year's first round upset, via IM, email, or Blag comment, and your vote will be tallied. The winner ends up in my pool bracket.


Interesting. So how's about that last remaining Theme Week puzzle?


Oh yeah! The answer to Friday's number sequence is 99

That's how many regions are created by placing 'n' points on a circle and connecting them with straight lines. It's really quite complicated.


Thanks for playing everybody. I'll be tallying up the responses and announce the winner of the Official "Jeremy Is In The Office" Props tomorrow!

Theme Week, The Final Chapter

Number Sequence Week! Find π: 1, 2, 4, 8, 16, 31, 57, π


I'd like to find a cherry pie right now. I'm going to assume the fact that we're looking for "pi" instead of X or Y is another hint.


You can do that if you'd like.


So as far as yesterday's goes...I got 915,222. Was that it?


You're off by just a hair. The correct answer to yesterday's sequence is 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 or 1E27. More legibly, One Octillion. Here's how it works.

For the n'th number in the sequence, all you have to do is list the first number the spelling of which contains the n'th letter of the alphabet, and present your answer. Here we go:

n=1, A => One ThousAnd
n=2, B => One Billion
n=3, C => One OCtillion
n=4, D => One HunDred
n=5, E => OnE
n=6, F => Four
n=7, G => EiGht
n=8, H => THree
n=9, I => FIve

It's just that simple.


Alas, all good Theme Weeks must come to and end. Today's puzzle will be the last one in his series, so go ahead and enjoy it. "Jeremy Is In The Office" will be out of the office on monday, so look for the final answer, Announcement of the Winner, and Awards Ceremony on Tuesday. Tuesday's Status will also be interactive, but not nearly as difficult...You'll be voting, so it's multiple choice and there is no correct answer. What could be better?

Theme Week, Chapter 4

Number Sequence Week! Find X: 1,000; 1,000,000,000; X; 100; 1; 4; 8; 3; 5


Why the semicolons? Is that another ridiculously subtle hint?


In a manner of speaking. It just makes it easier to read the first couple numbers. Once you get to the 4th in the sequence, they seem to be smaller, don't they?


Maybe it's a pattern.


Of course it is. That's the whole point this week. So let's turn to yesterday's.


Oh yeah. I got 31! It's the average speed in MPH of the idiot you had to follow to work every day for the last 2 weeks.


Not quite. The Answer to yesterday's sequence is 55! Here's how it works.

For the n'th value in the sequence, you simply spell out the english number of 'n'. So for example, the first value is "ONE", the second is "TWO" and so on. From there, you read whatever Roman Numerals are available in order and present your answer.

ONE => ___ => 0
TWO => ___ => 0
THREE => ___ => 0
FOUR => ___ => 0
FIVE => IV => 4
SIX => IX => 9
SEVEN => V => 5
EIGHT => I => 1
NINE => I => 1
TEN => ___ => 0
ELEVEN => LV => 55
TWELVE => LV => 55

One response I received yesterday, "55 and I hate you", will not be accepted as correct. It was derived through cheating.

Theme Week, Chapter 3

Number Sequence Week! Find Y: 0, 0, 0, 0, 4, 9, 5, 1, 1, 0, 55, Y


Uhm...wow. These do get harder, don't they?


That's the idea. By the time Friday comes, you'll be pulling your hair out.


Why'd you use Y today? In the last two puzzles, the object was to find X.


Gee...I have no idea. Maybe it's a ridiculously subtle hint.


So, yesterday, I got 197,582 as my answer. Is that it?


No. The answer to yesterday's sequence is 311311222112. Here's how it works.

All you do is verbally describe the previous term, and turn it into numbers. Like so:
Start with 2
2 Consists of a single two...or "One Two" => 12
12 has "One One, One Two" => 1112
1112 is "Three Ones, One Two" => 3112
and so on, until you get to the last given entry:
1113122112 is made up of "Three Ones, One Three, One One, Two Twos, Two Ones, and One Two" => 311311222112

It's just that simple.


Easy for you to say...you have the answers in front of you.

Theme Week, Chapter 2

Number Sequence Week! Find X: 2, 12, 1112, 3112, 132112, 1113122112, X


Well this is an interesting one.


Sure is. So everybody use your mad number sequence recognition skillz to figure this one out and get back to me.


So the answer to yesterday's was 63, right?


No. The answer to yesterday's Sequence is 148. Here's how it works.

1
1 +1 = 2
2 *1 = 2
2 +2 = 4
4 *2 = 8
8 +3 = 11
11 *3 = 33
33 +4 = 37
37 *4 = 148


So that's how all of these are going to work?


Who knows?


Well...you do. You have them all there on your laptop.


Okay, that's true. But, number sequences have a huge variety of methods of finding the solutions. True "Jeremy Is In The Office" tradition would seem to dictate looking at at least a few of the different ones. I guess we'll see as the week goes on. Good luck everybody!

Theme Week, Chapter 1

Number Sequence Week! Find X: 1, 2, 2, 4, 8, 11, 33, 37, X


It's Theme Week Quiz Time Again, kids!


That's right, folks. Jeremy Is In The Office, in Association with "Miracle Posting Inc" (If it's a good Blag Post, it's a Miracle), proudly presents: Number Sequence Week!


YAAAAAY!


The rules are simple. Here's Vice President and Head Contest Director LIR to tell you how it works:


Thank you, Jeremy.
Each day, a new number puzzle will be posted as the daily Sametime Status and Blag Entry. The puzzle will consist of a series of numbers, and "X". Your job is to determine the pattern used to create the number sequence and solve for X. A explanation of your logic and/or the formulas used for solving for X is not required, but does make the whole thing more fun.

As always, the week starts with the easiest of the series, and the puzzles get progressively harder as the week goes on.

One entry per day per contestant, so if you hit that "Send" button, you'd better mean it. Entries will be accepted from the time of the posting until 8AM the following morning, at which time the answer will be posted to the Blag, and the new puzzle posted. Entries will be accepted via Blag Comment, Email, Sametime Message, or TXT.

Imaginary alter-personas of the Blag Author are not eligible to participate.


Thank you. Now tell them what's at stake.


This week's First Prize will be an Official set of "Jeremy Is In The Office" Props!

That's right, Props! Not the stage props used in Jeremy's One-Man performance of "Annie Get Your Gun" put on last Thursday at the Fan Club reception, but Props nonetheless.


What?!


Made from the same high-quality material as the highly sought-after "Bragging Rights", but more portable and suitable for collecting. Enjoy them all!



Thanks again. Good luck everyone!

The Wrath of LIR

Prepare to taste defeat! And boy is it salty!


Wait...I'm confused. This isn't the Status I had planned for today. What's going on?


Yeah. I decided to take over today after your little stunt with the grocery store yesterday.


It was an honest mistake. Just swapped notes.


Here's the real story. Jeremy didn't want this Status getting posted because of where it came from.


Uhmm...I'm sure I don't know what you mean. I....I have no idea where it's from.


Nice try. Today's Status comes to you courtesy of a Disney cartoon. That's right...Jeremy watches Disney cartoons.


WatchED A Disney cartoon...


...Called Kim Possible...about a high school student who saves the world in her spare time.


I only watched it for the bad guy. Dr. Drakken was voiced by the great John DiMaggio...more notable for his role as Bender in Futurama.


Don't change the subject. Although you do have a point. Dr. Drakken, the blue-tinted Evil Mastermind was really the only redeeming value the show had. In an amusingly ironic twist, the series ends with him saving the world and winning the cartoon-world equivalent of the Nobel Prize. Here's Dr. D in action: (After a brief inexplicable introduction from Skeletor and Cobra Commander)




Are you done yet? Can I have my Blag back? You know I have a Theme Week Quiz to get ready for next week.


You're trying to change the subject again. Just for that...here's more from Drakken...an event we like to call "Operation Gherkin":




And yes...like Jeremy said...gets your thinking caps ready. Next week is a special Theme Week Quiz. There may be prizes.

A little bit of confusion.

Milk, Eggs, Bread, Peas, Rice, Spaghetti Sauce, Red Onion, Green Pepper, Oranges, Ham, American Cheese, Potatoes, Toothpaste, Soap


Umm....whoops. Looks like my grocery list ended up as my Sametime Status. Oh well...at least the people at the grocery store will get a good laugh.

In the meantime, here's somebody getting hurt doing something remarkably stupid. Enjoy!


Weird...feels like something's missing...

My home town has spares

"Idiots are fun. That's why every village wants one." - Dr. Gregory House


House is a funny guy.


I agree.


That's too bad...now we have nothing to discuss.


True. However, I can introduce you to comedy gymnastics.


That's a new one.


Sure is. I was made aware of its existence yesterday when one of my loyal readers sent me the following:

Fact Finding Mission

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. - George Eliot


Great! So you'll be keeping quiet today, and I'll run the blag. So everyone...ever notice how...


Nice try. Today's quote comes courtesy of yesterday's Status. So it seems that I hadn't seen the movie "There Will Be Blood" yet, or a Saturday Night Live sketch which sends up a scene from that movie.

Apparently, in that movie there's a scene in which Daniel Day Lewis's character somewhat psychotically makes a metaphor about drinking some guy's milkshake. Whether it's literal or symbolic of something else escapes me at this point, but the clip is available on Youtube if you're so inclined.


Why don't you post it here?


Partially because I don't get it, and partially because that would be illegal.


Mostly because you don't get it, I'm sure.


So anyway...I'd like to thank the various members of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World for showing me some of the light. The fact remains that I still don't get what it means to drink someone's milkshake...especially when it comes to Fantasy Baseball.


You're just hopeless I guess.

It's better than yours

Johan Santana will drink your milkshake. He'll drink it up.


Umm....just what exactly is that supposed to mean?


I have absolutely no idea.


Yet it becomes a Sametime Status?


Sure does.


I don't even know how to respond to that.


First time for everything. Anyway, it comes to you courtesy of my Fantasy Baseball League, which states this particular phrase, and provides a link to some Youtube video which doesn't exist. I am therefore at a complete and total loss as to why he's drinking my milkshake, whether or not it brings the boys to the yard, what flavour it is, and whether or not he got an ice cream headache after doing so.


Glad we've cleared that up.


Yep. And as an added bonus, since I'm in a sporting mood, you all get to watch the following. Enjoy!