You can actually never use your car

If Sametime Status is not visible, have your computer towed for service


Car Owner's Manuals suck.


Time for another rant I see. I'll get the Tylenol.


When you buy a car, you get a free Owner's Manual. It's at least mildly impressive because it's about 700 pages long and you get it for free. Go to your neighbourhood bookstore, and you'll be paying at least $15 for a 700 page book. Seriously...try it.

What's only slightly less impressive is the fact that the manual is 700 pages long and contains no information whatsoever. I've been writing this blag for around 2 years now, and have only come up with about 300 posts of non-informative crap. It's quite the endeavour to get up to 700 pages.

I recently decided that the headlights on my car are aimed incorrectly. That, and everybody else on the road who flashes their highbeams at me to get me to turn mine off (even though they're not on) have all agreed. So, I moronically decide to flip through the owner's manual to see how to go about adjusting the things. You know what it tells me? That I shouldn't try to aim the headlights myself, and to take it to the dealer to have it serviced. I looked online and found a website showing the location of 2 screws that adjust the direction of the lights. Seriously? My car's manufacturer has so little faith in me that they actually document the fact that I'm incapable of turning 2 screws? I decided to look up other things in the manual on a lark to see what they suggest doing.

Headlight burned out - Take to dealer for service
Change Windshield Wiper - You can do that yourself
Dead Battery - Tow to dealer for service
Check Engine Light On - Tow to dealer for service
Low Coolant Light On - Take to dealer for service
Blown Fuse - Take to dealer for service
Low Power Steering Fluid - Take to dealer for service
Change Oil Light On - Take to dealer for service
Turn Signal Doesn't Flash - Take to dealer for service

Holy crap! Not only can I not do anything myself, but in at least a couple cases, I'm not even allowed to drive the car...I have to get it towed to the dealer. Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this, but I've actually performed some of these maintenance tasks myself (I won't tell you which ones), clearly violating the manual.

Here's the more troubling thing for me. The apparently appropriate maintenance response to just about any of these signals is to take the car to the dealer for service. Why then do we need a 700 page owner's manual? I can take care of their recommendations in one sentence:

• If something in the car breaks, starts to make noise, leak, or light up when it's not supposed to, take the car to the dealer for service.

There. I've solved one of the automakers' issues by consolidating the owner's manual to a scrap of paper no bigger than you'll find inside a fortune cookie. Assuming a company sells 10,000 cars a year, which I'm certain is a conservative estimate, and given the $15 price of a 700-page book we all agreed upon earlier, I've just saved one auto company $150,000 without sacrificing the quality or safety of their product one iota. I'll be waiting patiently for my check.