Brown can kiss my @$$ for me

UPS = Useless Parcel Service


UPS Sucks.


Let me just straighten this soap box out for you.


To use a sporting analogy to describe my feelings toward this waste of space and oxygen company, UPS is now a collective 0 for the century in delivering stuff to me correctly and on time. That's not even an exaggeration. They have never once gotten a package to me on the first try. You'd think that since all they do is move boxes from one place to another every single day of their meaningless little lives, that they could have learned to get it right by now, but you'd be wrong. Here are some of the methods UPS has used to screw up deliveries to me:

• UPS delivers to my location sometime between 9AM and 8:30PM (Yes, Ive gotten both extremes). It varies from day to day, and really is a crapshoot, and makes it difficult, nay impossible, to plan your day around waiting for them. And you DO have to wait for them because....
  
• UPS refuses to leave deliveries at my door without a signature. Even the signature on the little card they leave to say they wouldn't deliver it without a signature is apparently insufficient. I tried this once, and the next day, a new card was there with "Signature Required" now circled 17 times as if I was the one who couldn't read. So an In Person signature is required....unless...
  
• A couple years ago, I spent my bonus on 2 DVD's and a new laptop. The DVD's were originally delivered on Wednesday, but they left the little card instead because I wasn't there to sign for them. I stayed home from work on Thursday to make sure I was there for the delivery, and also because the tracking website said that the laptop would show up that day as well. Didn't happen. So, I stayed home from work Friday as well...waited all day with nary a peep from UPS. I checked the tracking site again, and it said the laptop was delivered. There it was, sitting outside the door. So, 30 bucks worth of DVD's I have to sign for in person, but a $1200 laptop computer, ordered FROM THE SAME STORE, they can just toss at my door and not even knock.
  
• A few years ago, they started delivering all of my packages to the rental office in my complex, so they could sign for me. The rental office closes before I get home from work, so I still have to take time off work to pick it up. The rental office started getting inundated in people's packages, and there was no room to walk around, so they stopped signing for stuff.
  
• A recent delivery was delayed over a week because it was ON A TRAIN THAT DERAILED!
  
• Another less recent delivery was delayed an entire weekend because UPS wouldn't deliver that day due to a "Snow Emergency." We got a grand total of 3 inches.
  
• If they screw up delivery, you can go online and change your delivery option to hold your package at the depot...which is conveniently located 35 minutes away from my place. The depot is only open for like 5 hours in the middle of the day, and only during the week. If you don't pick it up on Friday, you're waiting until monday. So a package DELIVERY service lets you go to their depot when it's darn good and convenient for THEM...unless...
  
• When you go online and tell the depot to hold your package there for you to pick it up, the depot's computer network is down, they never get the message and they put it on a truck anyway, thereby wasting all the time you spent driving to the depot, and now you have to race back home to wait for the truck to show up. Unless....
  
• UPS calls you on your cell phone to tell you that the package WASN'T ADDRESSED TO YOU, AND WAS DELIVERED TO THE WRONG FREAKIN' ADDRESS!!!
  

So please, people....stop using UPS. They're morons. They only have one job to do, and they're terrible at it. I swear upon my computer and the upcoming litigation papers that each of the above stories is 100% true and not exaggerated in any way.

In a recent ad campaign, UPS has taken to having some mullet-headed loser drawing cute little airplanes and boxes on a whiteboard to show you what a good job they do delivering stuff. Well, here's my version of a whiteboard drawing expressing my feelings towards UPS's ability to do anything correctly: