Have Yourself a Merry Little.....

Happy Holidays from Jeremy’s Sametime Status!


Thanks! You too!


So, after today, Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office, returning on January 2nd with a whole new year of Status Goodness. Honestly, I'll probably have some crappy messages in there too, but it comes with the territory. I will respond to your messages when I return.

In the meantime, I propose a game.


Count me in!


Great! Here's what you do. Without cheating by looking it up on The Google or Wikipedia or anything, who among the Most Intelligent Readership in the World can name the most people included in the following music video? You get one point for each person correctly named, and lose one point for each incorrect name. The tiebreaker is the person who can come closest (above or below) to the total number of people in the video who have mullets. The game begins now and ends at 8AM on January 2nd. Good luck!

Here's your video: Do They Know It's Christmas?

*Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

This has been a test of the Emergency Sametime Status Alert System. If this had been an actual Sametime Status, this message would have been Informative, Helpful, or Funny. This was only a test. This concludes this test of the Sametime Status Alert System.


Well...I'm glad that's over. Now we can return to your regularly scheduled Statuses.


Indeed.


So what's new in the world?


Well...glad you asked.


It's pretty much what I do.


So, unless you've been hiding under a rock for the last few months, you're aware that NFL Quarterback Michael Vick has been sentenced to prison for nearly 2 years for his role in running a dogfighting business. Naturally, as the evidence grew, and everybody knew Vick would be going to jail, Michael somehow very quickly (some might say suspiciously quickly) became contrite, aware of how bad dogfighting is, and a financial contributor to the ASPCA. Also, no high-profile celebrity confession is quite complete without the accused finding God and/or Jesus. Needless to say, that happened here as well.

But God and Jesus aren't the only household names Michael came to know in his remarkably short time between denying owning a dogfighting operation and pleading guilty to owning a dogfighting operation. No, there are a couple interesting names that show up in court documents released this week. Former "Home Run King" Hank Aaron personally signed a letter of recommendation to Judge Henry Hudson (No relation), who handled Vick's sentencing. One other letter proved to be quite interesting.

Former Heavyweight boxing champ, turned HBO color commentator and shameless corporate sponsorship magnet George Foreman also sent the Honorable Judge Hudson a letter recommending a lenient sentence for Vick. His letter begins (and I am not making this up. See Page 7.):

• "I'm a fulltime minister at the Church of the Lord Jesus Christ in Houston, Texas, former two-time Heavyweight Champion of the world, and known all over the world as the king of the grills because of the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine."

Yes...George Foreman even manages, in a letter of recommendation for an admitted felon, to insert a shameless plug for his grill.


Did he tell the judge where to get a good price on a new muffler, too?


Not that I saw. I had to stop reading after the first sentence or else my head may have exploded.

In Chicago, it's just "Pizza"

Did you know that in Canada, they still call it “Canadian Bacon?” I have no idea why it’s not just "Bacon."


An interesting, albeit useless point.


Perhaps. I thought of this a while ago, while watching a hockey game...


Never would have guessed.


The game was in Toronto, so I was watching the CBC broadcast of the game. They had a commercial for McDonalds, or Tim Horton's or some other place that serves breakfast sandwiches, I forget which. Anyway, their sandwich came with an egg, cheese, and Canadian Bacon. This seemed strange to me, that in Canada it would still be referred to as "Canadian" bacon. Seems to me that when you're in Canada, it would be called bacon, and what we in the States call bacon be called "American Bacon." Ever have toast in France?


Can't say that I have.


Well, me either, but I'm willing to bet that it's more than warmed bread with a little butter.


What do they call fried potato strings?


I'm sure I don't know.


**Blagger's Note: I actually intended to run this message about 2 weeks ago, but decided not to. Since it wasn't Kosher, I didn't think it made sense to run it during Hanukkah.

The good news is the gas is cheap...

I officially request a formal apology on behalf of the State of New Jersey for the Devils' performance on Saturday.


It was that bad, huh?


Yes, it was...and it's a darn shame, too.


Why's that?


Well, this was my first trip to the New Jersey Devils' new home, The Prudential Center. It's a 400 million dollar arena in the heart of beautiful downtown Newark. Newark is a hole, and I don't really care how many times Barry Melrose apologizes for saying it. So here's the deal...they put a giant, expensive new arena right in the middle of the city, and have no parking around it, or any decent roads with access to it, causing traffic problems and $25 parking in the "preferred" lots. Parking a few blocks away isn't normally a problem, unless it's winter, and you're concerned about being mugged. So, to the beautiful new Newark arena, I say a hearty "No Thanks!"

That said...once you're inside the building, it's really quite nice. They have wide concourses, many many tiers of seating, all with good sight lines to the ice. The comfortable seats still have that "New Rink Smell," though the guy next to me did his best to rectify that by dumping an entire beer on the floor. Also, they play a pretty cool pre-game montage involving flames and lightning and explosions, followed by Sean Connery coming out and saying "Welcome to The Rock." It's all downhill from there.

The Devils played a perfectly miserable game against the second worst team in the Western Conference (Phoenix Coyotes), and ended up losing by a misleading 4-1 score. The game was not as close as the score might indicate. After Phoenix went up 3-0 halfway through the third period, people started filing toward the exits...but maybe too soon? Jersey scores a feel-good shorthanded goal with just 6 minutes left to make it 3-1, and then Phoenix takes a penalty shortly after...so there's a chance! The arena gets louder as Jersey takes to the power play, seizing every ounce of momentum from the game, frantically trying to pull within one late in the game to continue a stunning comeback...and then they give up a shorthanded goal to go down 4-1 and basically end the game. Jerks.


You're a little biased for a sports writer, you know.


You're probably right, but since I paid to get into the rink, I can be biased.

He's HUGE!!!

AH HA!!! I always knew Bart Miadich was on the juice!


Who's Bart Miadich?


I haven't the foggiest.


Alright then.


In case you've been living in a cave for the past week, you're probably aware that former US Senator George Mitchell revealed his report on steroid use in Major League Baseball yesterday. Yippee. What it actually amounted to was a guy who's on the board of directors or something for the Boston Red Sox writing a 400-page term paper on current and former New York Yankees who are juiced. Near as I can tell, this was based on an exhaustive 2-year investigation in which he personally talked to 2, maybe 3 people who either sold players steroids, or injected them directly into Roger Clemens's rear end. Oh, and then he threw Barry Bonds's name into the report to get more media attention.


But come on! The report includes cancelled checks.


Yeah...it's thrilling. If you'd like to read the report yourself,


And I'd rather clean the bathrooms of Fenway Park with my toothbrush...


you can download it, in its entirety from every sporting news service known to man. Here's One Link for your Edutainment.

I had an ant farm....

I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.


Uhhhhh...


That's right, readers! It's Mitch Hedberg time again! Mitch is one of my favourite comedians...at least partially because his entire routine is pretty much non-stop one liners and non sequiturs. This bit is from his first CD "Strategic Grill Locations" which, according to Mitch, was only available in stores if he would go into the store and leave a copy. "'Sir, you dropped this.' No, that is for sale. Please alphabetize it."


His jokes are very hit or miss, really.


That's very true...but I tend to enjoy them more often than not.


So what else is going on in the world?


Well, if you like hockey, cheesy 80's music videos, lip-syncing, mullets, and really bad moustaches, I have got just the thing for you.


Judging by the description, I think nobody will be clicking on this.


Alright then...everybody who's reading is obligated to Click On This Link to a promotional video for the Calgary Flames somewhere in the 80's. It really is a treat to watch...and listen to.


Funny how all of the players seem to have the exact same singing voice.

I hope it gets better

My horse got a broken leg and I had to shoot it. So now it's got a broken leg and a gunshot wound.


That's a little morbid...


A little bit...but it's supposed to be funny. It's part of a bit by Larry the Cable Guy. He points out that he's not sure how that's supposed to help, but if it's not better in a couple days, he's going to shoot it again.


Those nutty comedians.


Yeah...but really, the main reason for this being a Sametime Status today was to post This Video of Dan Whitney doing a stand-up routine.


Wow...that's strange.


Yep. Dan Whitney, apparently, is Larry the Cable Guy before becoming Larry the Cable Guy. He's actually just some dorky suburban guy who has his pants pulled up too high and sporting a Dave Coulier-esque baby mullet.

So what are my options?

You can go with this, Or you can go with that, You can go with this, Or you can go with that, You can go with this, Or you can go with that, Or you can throw with us.


Interesting. Breaking out the Fatboy Slim this morning?


Indeed I am. I was actually introduced to the song "Weapon of Choice" yesterday, and this, of course, is the chorus from that song.

Also worthy of note is The Music Video for it.


Is that....?


Yes. Christopher Walken dancing.


It can't really be him. Boy's got some moves!


According to Wikipedia, it is. And if it's on Wikipedia, it HAS to be accurate, right?


I understand you have some unfortunate news?


I do. It is a sad time in my family, as we lost our beloved pet yesterday morning. Carmel left us after a long and happy life with all the Gooshyfood and Pettin's she ever wanted. She will be missed and fondly remembered. Here she is helping put away Christmas decorations a couple years ago:

There go my allegies again

I can dust a crop (adding pesticides to it) or I can dust a counter (removing dust from it)! ALL YOU CAN DO is hope to use your real-world knowledge about crops and tables to figure out what’s going on.


This is much more insightful than you. Where'd it come from?


Thanks for the vote of support. Today's phrase is actually a paraphrase from Dinosaur Comics. Yes, the lovable T-Rex is at it again, introducing us to homographic homophonic autantonyms. Words that sound the same, are spelled the same, but have completely contradictory meanings.


Sounds interesting. What did Utahraptor have to say? He's my favourite.


That figures. He simply asked T-Rex why he enjoyed words that made communication so difficult. Really, he should have known the answer already...it's just a T-Rex kind of thing to do.

This is what's polluting my brain

The fact that I've seen a Norm MacDonald movie actually became useful. I think I'm going to be sick.


How can that ever be useful?


Well, there was this trivia game last night, and the answer to one of the questions was the 1998 turkey, "Dirty Work" starring my boy Norm MacDonald and directed by Bob Saget. Yes, that Bob Saget. You look at all this film has to offer and you think to yourself, "Of course I'm not going to see it."


Yet apparently, you did. Sucks for you.


I did. Back in 1998, an acquaintance (We'll call her "Shannon") dragged me kicking and screaming to this movie the very first weekend it came out. I will never forgive her for this.


Okay, seriously....was the movie THAT bad?


That bad and more. Rottentomatoes gives this movie a stunning 20% Tomatometer.

On top of that, Youtube has This clip from the film, which the poster describes as the "Best part" of the movie...which says a lot.


That is pretty awful. Thanks for the heads up.


It's what I do.

*sniff* They grow up so fast....

"The purpose of the Meeting Template roll-out meeting is to present the meeting template for use by all meeting holders" - Jeff’s new company


Poor Jeff.


Yeah...first, he has to make a spreadsheet with owners and target dates, now he's in a meeting to learn how to have meetings. I'd like to guess some of the meeting guidelines that were suggested in the roll-out meeting.

• Be On Time
• End 5 Minutes Early
• Create an agenda and have a timekeeper to stick to it
• Bring a Problem, Bring a Solution
• No Side Conversations
• Turn off Cell phones and pagers
  

How'd I do?


You're asking me?


No.


Alright...so what else is good today?


Well, Tuesday was a big day! My Alma Mater, Rochester Institute of Technology, was selected as one of Campus Squeeze's 20 Ugliest Colleges in the USA! Woohoo! We beat out such prestigious universities as Rutgers and Texas A+M, but falling in at #16 wasn't good enough to take down perennial favourites NC State, Carnegie Mellon, or #1 Drexel.

What's most impressive about RIT making the list is that they only show a picture of the back of one of the dorms. They didn't even include a photo of the 6-story absurdity known as "The Sentinel" which is prominently located right in the front of campus.




Art is very subjective.


I'd like to subject that art back to the landfill it came from.

Most days, actually

Some days, I wish stupid was painful.


I completely agree.


...uhh...okay then.


So I understand there's a full Blag today?


Yes...we've got some stupidity, and an explanation for one of yesterday's items.


I hope it's an explanation for the Rick Astley video.


As a matter of fact, it is. There is a concept called "Rickrolling" in which people reading websites or message boards are tricked into watching the video of Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up." Those of you loyal readers who clicked all the links in yesterday's Blag were given such treatment. There are other Internet items that people are often tricked into viewing, with the lure of something that they actually want to see. Most of these are significantly less family-friendly than Mr. Astley, so I won't be posting those here. If you'd like to know more, please contact your local search engine...just don't do it at work.


I've heard of a couple of these...they sound pretty awful.


That's what I'm told, but I would have no idea about that sort of thing.


So...how about the stupidity?


Right! So Jeff Foxworthy has now stooped to being a game show host. He has a show called "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?" which I've never watched, but I'm reasonably sure it would make my head hurt. I don't think it can be quite as bad as an older game show called "Street Smarts," where one episode saw 2 out of 3 people get the wrong answer to the question, "What color is the exterior of the White House?" but based on a recent incident, I'm not so sure. They had a celebrity episode on "5th Grader," and the day's contestant was country singer Kellie Pickler. What followed was a travesty.


Ouch.


Yeah...that's pretty rough. Fortunately, all loyal readers of this Blag are much smarter than that.

Words of Wisdom from Bucky

"When you live in an apartment building, even reaching up for the heavens can land you in a toilet." - Bucky Katt


Who is Bucky Katt?


Bucky is the star of the whimsical comic strip Get Fuzzy. He's an egotistical control freak of a Siamese Cat who spends his time conning his roommates out of money, causing general havoc, and trying to eat a monkey. His roommates are Satchel Pooch, a dog of some sort who's a bit lacking in the brains department, but is genuinely good natured, and Rob, their owner who puts up with Bucky's antics better than you might expect. A while ago, Bucky went through a phase where he would speak only in quotable phrases...so I quoted him here.


By the way, there's this online video you just HAVE to see...


Yeah, about that. Somehow, word got around that I might be a bit of a hockey fan. Not sure how these things get started, but there it is. So, when a Youtube/CNN/Yahoo/Google/MSN video of a Zamboni on fire made its way onto the Internet, roughly 1/3 of the earth's population had the same reaction: "I need to send this to Jeremy!"

Yes, it's pretty safe to say I've seen the video of the Zamboni on fire once or twice.

It's not that I don't want people sending me Youtube Links, but enough with the flaming Zamboni!

Actually, what's only slightly interesting about the Zamboni fire is that I've been to that rink. This particular incident occurred at the Ice Works Skating Complex in Aston, PA...home of the Neumann College Knights. Back when RIT played NCAA DIII hockey, we would play against Neumann quite often. However, RIT moved their hockey program up to DI, depriving everyone of their opportunity to say, "Hello Neumann."

Mother Nature is a jerk

Global Warming – Cons: Extinction of 1/4 of the world’s animal species. Pros: I don’t have to chisel my car out of 1/4” of ice anymore. Tough choice.


You do know that's not how global climate change works, right?


Of course. The good news is that Al Gore now reads my blag.


No.


Alright then...in other news, apparently, Americans are addicted to Stuf.


Stuff?


No...Stuf. As in Double-Stuf Oreos. According to This News Report from a Reputable Journal of Opinion, people who are addicted to Stuf are developing a tolerance to the Stuf by eating the Double-Stuf Oreos. This leads to apparently bad things like creating the Quad-Stuf Oreo by sticking two cream-halves of a Double-Stuf Oreo together to form one ridiculously thick cookie.

Previously, I thought I was the only person who did this...it's nice to know there are others. We should form a support group.

It's a scoobie oobie doobie scoobie doobie melody

Somebody may now explain to me why my MP3 collection includes “Scatman.”


Interesting choice in 90's techno.


Yes, but not only is it a perfectly dreadful song, but it also violates Jeremy's Big Rule #1 of Music.


Dare I ask?


The rule simply states that if the lyrics of your song include the name of your group, you have written a bad song. Obviously, there are notable exceptions to this rule, such as "Bad Company" by Bad Company, and "Rock and Roll Band" by Boston. However, these are much rarer than songs that fit the rule....such as "Wild Wild West" by Escape Club, "Cha Cha Slide" by DJ Casper, just about anything by Destiny's Child or Kid Rock, and the aforementioned "Scatman."


And yet, you have the song.


I do...and despite the fact that it made its way to Sametime Status territory, I'm reasonably certain it had something to do with it's appearance in the 1997 movie Nothing To Lose, with Tim Robbins and Martin Lawrence. That's not a typo. It's actually a perfectly hilarious movie despite the plot holes you can sail a battleship through.

In fact, Here's the Clip!

Warning! The above clip contains strong language which may be offensive to younger viewers, spiders which may be offensive to arachnophobics, “Scatman” which may be offensive to music lovers, Tim Robbins dancing which may be offensive to just about anyone, and a Windows NT reference which may be offensive to computer professionals. Basically, nobody in their right mind should go clicking on that. Enjoy!!

Password Day - Part MCMXVIII

It’s Password Changing Day! My email password is no longer “gr33nappl3t1ni”


I'm sure this is a violation of something


Actually, no. I do enjoy making light of the fact that I have to change my password on 15 different systems every 90 days, and each of those systems has different rules about what the passwords can contain, how long they have to be, "password quality", and how many iterations it takes to get one that is acceptable. Those of you who have been following Jeremy's Sametime Status for a while now will recognize this as the next in a long series of statuses on Password Day. Usually, the status will have a silly or self-deprecating word that could potentially be used as a password....such as "Appletini." However, and I know this may come as a shock to you loyal readers, but these have never actually been used as my passwords.


That's too bad.


Not really.


So what's new?


Well....if you're like me...


I'd throw myself in front of a train.


...then you probably sit at holiday dinners, enjoying a refreshing cola. Then you look at your beverage and think to yourself, "Hmm...needs ham."


Nobody in recorded history has ever said that.


Well, the Jones Soda company has your answer! Introducing (on their behalf), the 2007 Jones Soda Holiday Soda Pack! Inside are 4 Holiday-riffic flavours for your refreshment. Christmas Tree, Sugar Plum, Egg Nog, and of course, Ham!


Did you just use the word "Holiday-riffic"?


Also available in Chanukah Flavors !

I have a give and take Blag

Compromise: Lowering my standards so you can meet them.


What's with the bold?


I'm trying it out for today. Some people apparently are confused about the actual purpose of the Blag...that being to display my daily Instant Messenger Status message. It's an extra HTML tag I have to add to the post, but it's a sacrifice I may or may not be willing to make for you. We'll see how it goes.


Not bad. Where'd the message come from?


Would you believe I don't remember? Probably off a message board or something.


Yes, I would believe that. What else have you got today?


Well...today, I don't so much have a "Quiz" related blag entry, but it is a question I'm posing to my loyal readership.

I enjoy football...in moderation...but I'm not entirely up to speed on any of it. I know the Patriots are undefeated, everybody hates this fact, and Michael Vick is in jail, but that's about it. I would like somebody to clarify a rule for me. There was a call made in a game over the weekend that I can't find in any football rule book posted online after an exhaustive 3-minute Google search. Here are a couple examples of this call in action:

Clip from this weekend's UMD/NCSU game

Older video from a Jets/Bills game

Welcome Back!

...In sporting news today, a stunning upset at the Erie Otters game, where the final score was Mullets 4, Camouflage 2


It's monday morning after a holiday...so I'm confused.


Confused? How can I clarify?


Were the Otters playing, or was it the Mullets vs the Camouflages?


Ahh....I see. Well, the Erie Otters were playing against the Kitchener Rangers in the hockey game. I simply went to the concession stand. On that trip, I decided to count the number of mullets and compare it to the number of people wearing an article of clothing with camo on it. I fully expected the camouflage to win handily, but the mullets came through in the end.


Disturbing.


Yes....it sure is.


So, I faithfully read last week's posts, and I'd like the answers to the quiz question, please.


By all means! In no particular order:

The movie quote is from the 1940 film His Girl Friday, starring Cary Grant and Ralph Bellamy. It is in reference to a newspaper writer who is sent back to the main office in order to distract him from a developing story.




Also...the answer to the brain teaser is: 1, 4, 9, 16, 25, 36, 49, 64, 81, and 100 are left open. Look familiar? It should.

Each locker is moved by all the students whose numbers are a factor of that locker number. 24 for example is moved by 1,2,3,4,6,8,12, and 24. Now...since factors by nature always seem to come in pairs, (1x24, 2x12...) the resulting total number of factors is almost always even. However, in order for a locker to remain open, it must be moved an odd number of times. The only possible way for a number to have an odd number of factors it for one to repeat itself. Thus, the only lockers that remain open in the end are the perfect squares.

Best Of Theme Week - Part V

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: “Good Luck Week!” Here's the plan. You must slit the sick sixth sheet slitter's son's sheet, secure it next to the toy boat from the Hackensack Socko Kickey-Sack Sack Kicker's picnic in Secaucus, stretch it past the sack picker station and the sock plucker's chute, pick a sack, pluck a sock, and flick the plug, so I can put the pea in the plucked sock with the picked sack for ballast, bounce it off the rubber baby buggy bumper, into the Parker Packard Purple Pewter Pressure Pump. Is that understood?


Ah yes, who could forget Good Luck Week? Earlier this year, in order to make Sametime Status reading more challenging, we had a series of tongue-twister messages that got progressively more difficult to master as the week went on. This Friday message was the culmination of the week, and comes to you courtesy of Pinky and the Brain.

They had an episode, “You Said a Mouseful,” in which virtually the entire episode was one long tongue twister. The above message is The Brain explaining the day’s plan to take over the world to Pinky. Needless to say, when the moment of truth arises, Brain is unable to recite the instructions to Pinky, the plan goes awry, and they are booted from the plant by Peggy Babcock. Also included with this message is a Youtube clip showing the original tour of the Sack Kicker plant and the Brain’s plan recital in its entirely. Enjoy!

Brain's Plan Video

Best Of Theme Week - Part IV

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Words of Wisdom from my new mentor, Dr. Perry Cox! “In this room we have enough brain power to light up a city. Not a real city, mind you, but definitely a tiny ant city whose government has recently passed a series of stringent energy-conservation laws.”


Somewhere along the line, I was introduced to the TV show “Scrubs.” I’m not sure why it took so long, since various members of my family insisted it was the funniest show around, and there was this character, Dr. Cox, whose sarcasm and delivery were a comedy goldmine. Since I’m not big on doctor shows, I never watched it. For some reason, not long ago, I sat down in front of the Season 1 DVD’s, and the rest is history.

Dr. Cox became my new mentor, and I strive to be like him every day. I still can’t go on the amazing long-winded rants like he can, or call somebody by a different girl’s name every time I see them (Although a co-worker and I do have a long-running thing where we never call each other by our actual names), and I really don’t have a problem with Hugh Jackman, but I’m getting better.

For your edutainment, I’ll provide a link to a fairly comprehensive Youtube video to get you acquainted with Dr. Cox. Enjoy! Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving!

Dr. Cox Compilation Video

Best Of Theme Week - Part III

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Movie Quote Week! Name the movie (Difficult): "Handle him with kid gloves. Put him to work writing poetry. No, no, we don't want him. Just stall him along 'til the Extra's out. Then tell him his poetry smells and kick him down the stairs."



Oh, who doesn’t love movie quotes? Most of us have a couple of movies we can recite off the top of our head, and everybody can place certain quotes with the movie they refer to roughly instantly. For example:

“Don’t cross the streams.”
“Use the Force”
“Have fun storming the castle!”

Here at Jeremy’s Sametime Status, as is often the case, we took things a step or two further. This Theme Week from 2006 found quotes from movies that are a little more obscure, though no less important. We used a quote from “Plan 9 From Outer Space,” which is widely regarded as the worst movie ever made. We used one from “The Player,” which is my personal favourite film, and this one, from what is often described as the fastest film ever made. The rate of dialogue in this picture is startling and often incomprehensible as characters talk over each other as breakneck speed. All you have to do is name the film. You have until next monday. I highly recommend you also watch the picture if you get a chance. It’s really quite good.

Best Of Theme Week - Part II

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Brain Teaser Week! (Fairly Difficult and Using Excel is Cheating) A school for mischievous students has a hallway with 100 lockers. All the lockers are closed. Student one walks down the hallway and opens every locker. Student two walks down the hallway and closes every second locker, starting at locker two. Student three walks down the hallway and changes the state of every third locker, starting at locker three (If it’s open, he closes it....if it’s closed, he opens it). And so on, student n changes the state of every n-th locker. After 100 students have passed through the hallway, which lockers are left open?



One of the most popular Theme Weeks was this spring’s “Brain Teaser Week.” In fact, the finale of that week still resides on my system as my “I’ve gone to lunch” message. It allows people to ponder the most difficult brain teaser, since nobody’s ever figured it out without me telling them the answer.

Regardless, this particular brain teaser was the Thursday edition, so it was the second hardest one. It tests people’s knowledge of mathematical principals, pattern generation, fractal drawing, mazes, hoodlums, and duct tape. Truth be told, a couple loyal readers managed to untangle the logic behind this puzzle, but I don’t think anybody really figured it out. Most tried a brute force method, which will work for the first handful of lockers, but obviously gets more difficult as the numbers get higher. You just have to hope that you recognize what you see in the Brute Force method before you either pass out or make a mistake. Or, you can change the number of students and lockers to 2000 and actually try to figure it out logically.

Since this Theme Week never originally translated to Blag form, I’ll post the answer after Thanksgiving. Good luck!

Best Of Theme Week - Part I

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Deadly Facts About Bird Flu Week! So far only a few hundred people are known to have been exposed to this virus, the H5n1 virus. But of those, about 50 to 60 percent are dead.



Jeremy’s Sametime Status was especially pleased to be able to provide this helpful and informative Public Service...“Deadly Facts About Bird Flu Week.” Not only were we able to educate the public about the potential dangers of Avian Flu, but a mere 3 days after concluding “Deadly Facts About Bird Flu Week,” the FDA officially approved the US’s first vaccine against the H5n1 virus.


Thank you.


You’re very welcome.


I’m taking the rest of the week off. Holiday time, you know.


Sorry to see you go...but come back after Thanksgiving. More Sametime goodness awaits!


Will do!

Vacation!!!!

Dear Loyal Readers,

Jeremy's Sametime Status is out of the office, and will return on November 26th with all new Statuses.

In the meantime, so you don't have to go an entire week without, please take your time going through the next week of messages (No reading ahead), and enjoy "Best Of Theme Week" Week!

A ham and egg bagel sandwich sounds really good, actually

"I’m always 'Hey, here I am, ready to intelligently discuss the Issues of the Day' and you’re all, 'd00d what’s for breakfast?? :00!'" - Utahraptor


Aren't Utahraptors extinct?


Hardly the point. Today's message comes to you courtesy of Dinosaur Comics. 'Dinosaur' is a whimsical webcomic about a few anthropomorphic and anachronistic dinosaurs who gather together every day to discuss relevant issues of the day.


The artwork leaves a little to be desired.


While it's very true that if you look through just a handful of the archived comics, you should start to notice something in the artwork...this actually seems to add a bit to the experience.


How's that?


You already know what the interactions are going to be. T-Rex will state the day's topic, and weigh in with Dromiceiomimus...who will generally agree with T-Rex, but in a less naive way. Then Utahraptor will come in and provide the foil to T-Rex's antics. You know it's coming, it's just a matter of how.

The fact that Utahraptor generally points out the flaws in T-Rex's thought process adds an extra dimension to the comic in that both sides of an issue are presented. Also, both T-Rex and Utahraptor remain close friends, despite their near constant disagreement. This balance of mutual respect and counterpoint really is quite genius.


Can you provide other examples of this?


Sadly, I don't know of any other medium that uses this technique. I'm sure there must be one online somewhere, but I can't find it.


Interesting. So what's on tap for the Blag?


Jeremy's Sametime Status (Jeremy Is In The Office) will be on vacation next week. There is talk of running a "Best Of Jeremy's Sametime Status" Theme Week, simply so you won't be deprived of the Blaggy goodness you've come to know and love. Still being debated, though. We'll see.

That's what happened with Skynet

“People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake.” Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin


Did a computer try to kill Michael in a lake?


Yes and no. A couple weeks ago, Michael was upset with the new Dunder Mifflin website, and his beloved Sebring was in the shop. His rental car had a GPS system in it, which gave him some moderately confusing directions. To prove a point, Michael purposely drove the car straight into the lake...thereby making everybody believe that people are better than computers.


I see. So tonight is pretty bittersweet, isn't it?


Definitely. While we do get a new episode of Office (Jan sues Dunder Mifflin for wrongful termination, and Michael is deposed as a witness), it will be the final new episode for an indeterminate amount of time until this whole writer's strike thing is resolved. Too bad, too..because rumour has it, what would have been the next episode is one of the funniest ones ever...Jim and Pam have a dinner date with Michael and Jan at Michael's condo. Oh well. At least it's hockey season.

True story

Why exactly is the guy who drives a pickup truck with the license plate “MUTNCHOP” clean shaven?


I'm sure I don't know.


Me neither. But today's Sametime Status is based on a true story. I drove past this guy on the highway on my way to work a little while back. I read the plate, and actually got intrigued about how much facial hair the guy driving must have. He had none...and I have to admit a certain level of disappointment.

Those who are new to Jeremy's Sametime Status may not be aware of another license plate message run a little while back (before the advent of this Blag). There was a wonderfully ironic little accident on the road near the plant here. Somebody in an SUV rear-ended somebody else driving a black pickup truck that had the license plate 4LFCLOVR.

Lumpy

I AM TEH CAPTAIN OF THE CARPET SHIP!


You can't spell. Also...what?!


Today's status message brought to you by the whimsical webcomic Two Lumps. It's a slightly off-center comic about two anthropomorphic cats. One of whom is slightly taken with taking over the world, the other is a meathead who speaks in the occasional bout of modified Lolcat. They both, however, have a weakness for gooshyfood and "pettins."

In This Particular Case, Snooch discovers vodka, which begins his love of alcohol, which pops up in comics now and again. In fact, the Carpet Ship itself makes another appearance in This more recent comic.


Good. So why is the Blag so late today?


For a couple reasons, actually. First, as stated in the very first post of this Blag, I update it when I darn well choose. Also, I was alerted this morning, incidentally, while writing today's entry, that one of my old college professors was in town today, so a bunch of us grads got together with him for a meeting and lunch.

I'll be a zombie

For the record: I don’t care how late it is, I’m never going to bed during the second intermission of a west-coast hockey game again.


Something interesting happen?


You could say that. You could also say "shocking", "startling", or "frickin' unbelievable...if I hadn't seen that with my own eyes, I never would have believed it was possible!" which is kinda my problem.


Story Time! YAY!!!


Once upon a time, there lived a Hockey fan named Jeremy. For some unknown reason, he became a fan of the Los Angeles Kings. Since they play their home games in California, they start really late at night for east coast fans, like Jeremy. In this case, the game started at 10:30PM. The Kings were playing the Dallas Stars, and when I say "playing," I mean falling all over themselves looking like dancing monkeys on ice while the Stars played hockey around them. Watching this pitiful display, and becoming increasingly aware of the fact that I own a purple hockey jersey, I decided that I had stayed up past my bedtime. I went to bed during the second intermission, with the Kings losing 4-0...it was about 12:30AM at the time. I didn't find out what happened until the following morning.


Oooooo.....so what happened? What happened?!


Well, the Kings went out into the third period still playing like monkeys and getting shut out until Dustin Brown scored a goal with 7:14 left in the game (That's nearly 13 more minutes of scoreless hockey for LA), to only trail 4-1. They then proceeded to score 4 more goals in the next 5:07 to not only take the lead 5-4, but also set a franchise record for fastest 5 goals in team history. The Stars pulled even at 5 apiece with 1:05 left in the game, sending it to overtime. A mere 2:34 into OT, Anze Kopitar scored for the Kings to complete the most miraculous comeback in LA Kings history. And all while Jeremy peacefully slumbered. The end.


Awwwwwwwweee.


In other sporting news, here's a guy with potentially the Best Name in Football.

Moving on...

I’ve found myself digressing a lot lately...but that’s hardly worth mentioning.


You really need to stop this.


Digressing?


No.


Okay...so anyway, for today's bit of Blag Edutainment, I'd like to get everyone into the spirit of the season. Granted, since the trees, ornaments, and gaudy 10-foot inflatable Santa snow globes started showing up at WalMart a couple months ago, I may be a little late, but I'd like to think of this blag as your one-stop for holiday-themed goodness. No, I don't feel good about saying the phrase "one-stop."

So, to kick off the holiday season, what screams Christmas better than nerdiness? Normally, just about everything, but when you combine the two concepts, you get the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy as performed on a Pair of Musical Tesla Coils.


And what do I do if I don't have a matched set of Tesla coils hooked up to synthesizers? Seems like a specialty item.


If that's not quite your cup of cocoa, you can always run a holiday-themed contest! For example, why not have amateur singers make their own music videos of popular Christmas Carols horrifically altered with customized lyrics based around a theme of holiday driving safety? Surely, nothing bad can come of this. Be sure to check out "The Big Present" and "Holiday Ringtone."


I'll never forgive you for this.


No need to thank me.

Motivation by Michael

“Mistakes are just successes that you mess up.” Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin


How profound. So what happens this week?


Michael goes on a "Survivorman" type adventure into the woods on his own. You can imagine the trouble he'll get into.


Speaking of trouble....how does this writers strike business affect the show?


Sadly, since most of the writers are also stars of the show, and since the three main actors who aren't writers won't cross the picket lines to film, Office has already stopped production until the writers guild strike is over. This week's and next week's episodes have already completed production, so they will air as scheduled, but after that, The Office will officially be Out of the Office. :(

Oh, delicious irony...

Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse.


So Bob Iger and the cryogenically frozen remains of Walt Disney have nothing to do with it?


That's really beside the point. What's important is that I have an amusing quote as my status message this morning. This is especially important because we're quickly coming to the end of the Notesbuddy days, and I'll have to switch Instant Messaging programs next week.


Will that affect the Blag we've come to know, love, and depend on?


Not at all. It will only adversely affect things like my ability to do my job properly.


That's a relief.


No kidding. Anyway...for your Blag entertainment today, please enjoy The Invisible Rope Prank!

He forgot to turn his clock back

The Rooster crows at midnight.


What's the deal?


It's one of my more cryptic messages, the true meaning of which is left as an exercise to the reader.


I'm guessing it's meaningless.


So, elsewhere on Internet (Which is running horrifically slow here today), CNN recently ran an article about awful eponyms and the people they were named for. I have no doubt it was inspired by this Blag. Anyway....if you're interested, and I know you are, Here's a Link.

Subject to interpretation...

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness.” - Dave Barry


Yeah, I'm pretty sure I know which side of the line this blag is on.


Indeed, it is a perfectly good hobby.


No.


So anyway, lots of good stuff for you here today. Staring with the results of last week's Quiz-Related Theme Week. Two loyal readers tied at 4 correct answers, several people cheated, and one person just totally didn't get it. Congratulations!

That said, here are the remaining answers from Friday:

BCEGKMQSW: These are the letters, when converted to numbers using the the A=1, B=2 method would represent the Prime Numbers. 2,3,5,7,11...etc. 2 people got this correct, only one without cheating.

ACDEGJKMNPSTWXZ: These letters all contain the color Blue in their International Maritime Signal Flag. One person was remarkably close, having checked for any similarities between those letters in Morse Code and Semaphore. Oh well....nobody wins the prize...which is good, because I got slaughtered in poker over the weekend, so I don't need to be giving away more money. I don't know what I did to anger the Poker Cards, but it must have been pretty vile. I literally folded 8-2 off suit three consecutive hands. How is that even possible?


Better luck next time.


Thank you. In the meantime, if you're tired of those constant bullying problems, a couple third graders from Columbus, Ohio may have the answer. Ladies, Gentlemen, and people from Elmira, presenting the Rip Away 1000! Enjoy!

Theme Week; Part The Fifth

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Letter Sequence Week!
Identify the following subset of the alphabet: BCEGKMQSW


I know! Those are the only letters of the alphabet that Sylvester Stallone can pronounce properly!


That may be true, but it's not the answer we're going for.


So this is the part where you give us yesterday's answer.


Yes. Yesterday's sequence (AHIMOTUVWXY), as correctly stated by nearly everybody under the sun, thereby making me feel completely inadequate because it took me forever to get it, is all the letters that (in most fonts) have symmetry about a vertical axis.


Rumour has it you have something extra for us today.


Indeed, I do. Because apparently, I'm evil, In addition to the sequence above, I'm giving out a Special Internet-Only Cruel, Fiendish, Ludicrously Difficult Bonus Subset for Valuable Prizes for all of my loyal readers. Even the imaginary ones. So here you go:

Special Internet-Only Cruel, Fiendish, Ludicrously Difficult Bonus Subset for Valuable Prizes! Identify the following subset of the alphabet: ACDEGJKMNPSTWXZ


What's the prize?


Haven't quite figured that out yet, but it will be worth approximately $10.


How do I win?


The first correct answer posted in the comment section of the Blag here will win the valuable prize. Contest begins now and ends at 8AM monday morning. Good luck....you'll need it.

Theme Week; Part The Fourth

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Letter Sequence Week!
Identify the following subset of the alphabet: AHIMOTUVWXY


I know! Those are all the first letters from the titles of whiny protest songs from the 60's!


Close, but not quite what I'm looking for.


Nuts. How did yesterday go?


Yesterday didn't go as well for the loyal readers. To my knowledge, only one person got it correct without cheating or asking or hints. Today's might actually be a little easier...I'm not sure. It took me longer to get this one, so that's why it ended up fourth.

Either way, the answer to yesterday's sequence, (CEFGHIJKLMNSTUVWXYZ) is that those are all the letters whose upper case contains no enclosed area.


So I know it's Theme Week and all, but what's up with Office tonight?


Ooo...big scandalous episode! Karen (Jim's ex that he dumped for Pam) comes back to Scranton to try to get Stanley to move to the Utica branch of Dunder Mifflin. That's going to be uncomfortable.

Theme Week; Part The Third

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Letter Sequence Week!
Identify the following subset of the alphabet: CEFGHIJKLMNSTUVWXYZ


I know! That's all the letters that fell off the Hindenburg's "No Smoking" Sign!


Uhmm...no, and disturbing.


Oh well...so what was yesterday's?


Yesterday's subset (AEILNORSTU), as correctly identified by a handful of people, some by cheating (read: Barry), and some after a little prodding (read: Jeff) are all of the letters worth a single point in Scrabble. Today's is a little more challenging, and then get ready to bust out Wikipedia or The Google or something tomorrow (read: cheat), because they get a lot harder from here.


Sounds like fun.


For me, maybe. :)

Theme Week; Part The Second

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Letter Sequence Week!
Identify the following subset of the alphabet: AEILNORSTU


So this one's a little harder then?


That's how it goes....and given how many people pretty easily got yesterday's, there's really only one way to go. After today, you have to get a little creative to figure them out.


How about a hint?


No.


Okay, so how about yesterday's?


Of course. As correctly stated by 2 people on the Blag, and at least 7 others on Sametime, yesterday's alphabet subset (CDILMVX) are all of the letters used as Roman Numerals. Apparently, after you get to the thousands, there's a strange series of lines that you put over the letters to multiply their values, and once you get to roughly a million, there is no consistant pattern. I learned this on Wikipedia, so you know it's true.

Theme Week; Part The First

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Letter Sequence Week!
Identify the following subset of the alphabet: CDILMVX


I don't quite get it....how do you play?


It's quite easy today, and will get much harder by the end of the week (as is custom in Quiz-related Theme Weeks). In this case, you simply tell me what letters are being used, although they may be out of the normal order you would see them in. For this week, all of the letters will be in alphabetical order...since we are dealing with subsets here. Here's an example:

The subset: BCMNVXZ would be....


...the letters in the bottom row of a QWERTY keyboard?


Exactly. Now you've got it, so good luck the rest of the week.


Alright...so is there anything new on the web today?


Well, I'm not sure when it started, but this was brought to my attention the other day. Very handy invention no house should be without...particularly after The Evil Jeremy's Gun Week.

Ladies, Gentlemen, and people from Elmira, I present to you, The Back-Up

I won't change....I don't wanna!!!!

Reason #137 NOT to upgrade to Sametime v7.5: People’s Status Messages are printed in a single line with no word wrap, meaning once a message reaches the end of the scre


Okay great...we get the joke...what's the rest?


There is no "rest" actually, that's pretty much it. Now, I must take this opportunity to clarify that I didn't write this message with a ST7.5 window open to see exactly when the end of the message would drop off. This seemed like as good a place as any to end it. It also does not take into account people with higher resolution or widescreen monitors. It just ends, okay? This is a very low-budget operation, so get off my back about it alright?!


A little tense today?


Ehh...it's Friday. I don't have a creative outlet like asian poetry or anything to vent with.

Another post about chickens

“What happens to a company if somebody takes a boss away? I will answer your question with a question: it's like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies...unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.” Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin


YAY! Office tonight!


Thursday night means only one thing to people who like The Office more than Gray's Anatomy...and that's Office!


Uhhh....


So last week, Michael was having some money problems, Angela accepted a new cat from Andy (Incidentally, the same cat named "Garbage" that Dwight tried to give her a few weeks ago), and Pam and Jim spent a night on Dwight's beet farm, which has been turned into a Bed and Breakfast.

For the tech-savvy amongst you loyal and patient readers, this week, Dwight will be exploring "Second Life," (In which, apparently, you can attend a virtual book signing by Dilbert author Scott Adams, and kick him in the privates) and Michael takes over production of the Dunder Mifflin TV commercial.


You're a little obsessed with this show, you know that?


Maybe...but I'm not alone, and far from the worst. Please enjoy the Tripadvisor Page for Schrute Farms, complete with over 200 reviews from satisfied guests. Also included are pictures of the farm with people photoshopping themselves into them. I have done none of this.


Yikes.


Indeed.

I feel used :(

$15.05 for a little plastic knob? I think I may have been ripped off a bit.


That seems excessive. Was it a really nice plastic knob?


Not especially. It's this one right here: (Blagger's note: This isn't actually my car...just a picture of a nearly identical car that shows the location of the aforementioned knob)


I went to switch the fan in my car from the floor to the defroster, since I figured being able to see the road would be helpful for driving to work. The knob just snapped off the post underneath and fell off. This is actually the second time this has happened to me. Since no auto parts store carries silly little knobs like this, I went to a dealer. Just holding up the knob was enough for the guy to know exactly what it was, and what year my car was...which tells me that this sort of thing happens all the time. The replacement knob cost 15 friggin dollars...but at least I can see the road today. I think next time, I'll call a few junkyards to see if any of them have a car like mine I can get a stupid knob from. Or maybe if somebody I know has a similar car, I can get a ride from them and swipe it from their car when they're not looking. That might be my best option...


By the way, did anyone come up with any other good eponyms yesterday?


As a matter of fact, they did. The following is the complete list of stuff I was messaged with yesterday, published for your edutainment:

• André-Marie Ampère
  
• Louis Braille
  
• Rudolf Diesel
  
• Christian Doppler
  
• Alfred Nobel
  
• Adolphe Sax
  

And down the stretch they come.....

The famous racehorse “Upset” is the only thing eponymous for doing something good. Discuss.


What did he do exactly?


This is the slightly more famous racehorse Man o' War:

From 1919-1921, Man o' War was the dominant racehorse of his time, winning almost all of his races, some by astounding margins. At least one of his records still stands today (Winning the Lawrence Realization Stakes in 2:40, which lowered the existing record by a full 6 seconds).

I say he won "almost" all of his races. He compiled an impressive 20 wins in 21 races...the only race he lost (and there are stories of impropriety by the starting gate operators) was the Sanford Memorial Stakes. As the story goes, the horse was still preparing, facing backwards on the track when the barrier was removed and the race began. Despite this, Man o' War still only lost the race by a half length. The winning horse's name was Upset.

Up until that time, the word "upset" had really only meant something unsettled or an angry or distraught emotion. After this race, the horse's name became part of sporting lexicon. Now, any competitor who defeats a heavily favoured opponent is said to have "Pulled an Upset."

Chicken Soup for the Skates

“As much as he was the guy who drew the short straw last year, he ended up making chicken salad out of it.” -LA Kings Coach Marc Crawford on Goaltender Jason LaBarbera


You've lost it. This officially makes no sense.


I know...that's why it's here. It's part of my continuing effort to re-educate the world about the wonderful sport of hockey.

So last year, the LA Kings had a bit of a logjam at goaltender. They had signed Dan Cloutier to an inflated 2-year contract, so he was on the team. The battle for backup boiled down to "Potential Boy" Jason LaBarbera and incumbent starter Mathieu Garon. In training camp, Garon won the job, so LaBarbera was sent down to the minor league team in Manchester. What followed was a tragedy of made-for-tv-movie proportions. Cloutier injured himself early in the year and barely played at all, certainly earnig his $3+ million. Garon was adequate at his best, and more often played scared and thus badly. He also spent considerable time injured. LaBarbera, on the other hand was had a career year down in the AHL, setting the league on fire, becoming its winningest goalie, and earning the starting job for the AHL All-Star team.

Due to the NHL's contract with the players union, LaBarbera (since he started training camp with the NHL team and had an NHL contract) could not be simply called up from Manchester. He would have to be exposed to what is called "Re-Entry Waivers." This means that any team in the NHL would have 48 hours to claim him as their own player, and for only half the price. LA would have to still pay the remaining 50% of his contract salary. Since there is no way a goalie playing as well as he was would clear waivers without being claimed, the Kings were forced to leave Jason wallowing in the minor leagues for the entire season. They resorted to plans B, C, and D before the end of the year, playing household name Barry Brust, Yutaka Fukufuji (the NHL's first Japanese goalie), and finally signed Sean Burke out of retirement. The result was an absolute mess, and the Kings finished the season in the 3rd to last position in the NHL. But at least, it seems Jason LaBarbera got a tasty chicken salad snack out of it.

One lump or two?

Salvador Dali's clocks aren't wrong or stopped or broken. Their active faces slide like pancake batter over edges of a bureau, bend and hang across branches. In fact, Dali's clocks are not clocks at all, if we mean bookkeepers that measure unvarying flow. But then, the heart is not that kind of clock either; rather, it is a fractal tempo tracker that runs concurrently to the beat of several highly variable drummers. There's also the fact that Dali locked himself in an artist's garret for days on end. Enclosed space, paint fumes...you do the math.



That is way too insightful and clever for you to have come up with it.


Well, yes...that's very true. This quote was taken from Ebenezer of Two Lumps, an amusing webcomic that's on my list of things to read on occasion. I've also borrowed one or two of Snooch's haikus (not on Friday) to use as status messages.


Alright...so do you have anything else today?


Yes...I got some really $#*&ing good news for all of you working people out there. Have fun!

Tonight: Money

"You might be surprised to learn that I’ve only been to one other wedding. It’s actually a very cute story. My mom was marrying Jeff and they asked me to be ring bearer and I was understandably emotional and somehow my pants became wet. Long story short, Jeff’s dog ended up as ring bearer and the irony is that after the ceremony, that dog peed on everything, and nobody said boo." Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin


Office tonight! Did you see last week's episode?


Of course. It was quite possibly the funniest episode of The Office ever. Ryan held a launch party for the new company website in New York, and Michael thought he was invited. He and Jim got most of the way to the City before Jim realized what was actually going on. Dwight decided to compete with the company website to see who could sell the most paper, but to his surprise, the website became aware and taunted him over Instant Messenger. Strictly speaking, Pam was doing the talking, but it was all the same to Dwight. Meanwhile, Andy has decided to pursue Angela, much to Dwight's dismay, and Kelly is so amused by the animated shopping cart on the website that she's started buying reams of paper. It made sense at the time.


Wasn't there something about a book?


Yes, quite. Michael had bought a copy of "Green Eggs and Ham" for Ryan as a gift for the launch party. He said he wanted to get "Oh The Places You'll Go" but they were sold out. This is especially funny to me since one of my loyal readers had an experience with this. He took a very extensive (several months long) training course on something here at work. When they "graduated," each student got a giftwrapped present. It was a copy of "Oh the Places You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss...and the management here actually thought that was clever and/or a good idea. It seems every time I bring up this story, the response involves an abundant amount of cursing. Not sure what's up with that...

I think I hurt my brain

What would happen if somebody were to ask a rhetorical question?


Cute. So what's good today?


Today is the greatest of all days. Toaster Fire Day!!! One of these days, I'll celebrate by photoshopping a picture of a high-volume cafeteria toaster so that it's on fire (Unless one of my loyal readers would like to provide such a picture) so everyone can share the joy....but for today, you'll just have to do with the following text:

• It was a dark and stormy morning. Somebody decided that a room-temperature cinnamon raisin bagel just wouldn't do for their morning victuals. Relief came at the sight of the famed Toaster of Hades, for little did they know what dangers lurked ahead for their tasty snack. Placing the bagel on the conveyor, our hero dreams sweet, cinnamony breakfast dreams, not knowing that this would be the last time his beloved bagel would be seen alive. The bagel makes its way into the orange glow of the toaster's mouth and toasts to a golden brown perfection. The end of the conveyor arrives, but a raisin has adhered itself to the conveyor...sealing the fate of its host. The bagel struggles to free itself from the bonds of the horrible searing toaster chain, but the grip is sound, and the cool freedom of the slide will not be his this day. The bagel is pulled upside-down back through the heat chamber, raisin and bagel burning as one, an ever-heating mass of former breakfast quickly becoming an inedible ball of sticky carbon. Already charred and defeated, the bagel wraps once more around the front of the conveyor, and the glowing cave awaits with no mercy in its eyes. As the bagel makes its third pass over the glowing embers of hell, it finally loses its grip of the mortal coil and bursts into fiery death. Flames nearly an inch high dance on part of the former bagel as the Toaster of Hades laughs mockingly at its latest sacrifice. The charred and defeated bagel is finally released by the toaster, and slides smoldering and smoking to its mournful master.
  

*I may have taken a couple liberties for dramatic effect.

Roll out!

Fate has yielded its reward: a new world to call home. We live among its people now, hiding in plain sight, but watching over them in secret, waiting, protecting. I have witnessed their capacity for courage, and though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars: we are here, we are waiting.


That's right...Transformers comes out on DVD today, doesn't it?


Yes it does, my friend. Yes it does. And even though I will be making that purchase this evening, there may or may not be a screening at the Jeremy Megaplex 1 tonight. I have yet to decide.


But I don't think it was REALLY that good of a movie.


That's very true. The plot was thin and Shia LeBeouf may be the single most annoying actor since Pauly Shore (I just made a second Pauly Shore reference in the Blag. I need to go lay down), but it was a lot of fun. I mean, really....Starscream was an F-22 for cryin' out loud! That's good stuff. Also...it's Transformers!!!


Alright, alright....you're still a jerk.


Is that because of the video I posted yesterday?


Yes. You hurt Willie. His ears bled.


I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you with a rare double-shot of Letters to the Editor from the Erie Times-News. Today includes a long-time favourite of the Letter-reading crowd, but makes its first appearance on the Blag. It's a feature we like to call "Non-Sequitur Theatre." The second letter is just brilliant. Enjoy!

• Letters Removed at the request of the Publisher

There's a chill in the air...

Give yourself a hug like the air is chilly. Put your hands on your face and slap yourself silly. Yeah, Schmëerskåhøvên!


So it was a little cold this weekend. Is it really that big a deal?


Yes and no. As you know, I'm not a cold weather person, despite living in the northeast my entire life. So the fact that it was in the 40s (4.5°C) when I woke up yesterday didn't exactly thrill me. The fact that they hadn't yet turned the heat on to my apartment didn't help. And now that it's cold, they DID turn the heat on to my office, so it's in the lower 80's inside. In the immortal words of Lewis Black, "It's not weather, it's Malaria."

Also, I really wanted to have a second Schmëerskåhøvên reference in the ol' Blag here. Makes the place a little homier.


That's enough torture for one day, don't you think?


Normally, I'd agree with you...but it's monday, so that means extra pain and suffering for everyone. I was made aware of This YouTube Video not all that long ago, and if I have to have seen and heard it, so do you. Enjoy!


You know you can just embed those into the Blag, right?


Who actually does that? Geeze....

Captain's Blog...Supplemental

So, as much as I thought we were done for the day, I absolutely could not deprive you of today's "Homework Day" Letter to the Editor, from the Erie Times-News. It's so cute how this student tries to use big words and fails miserably.

• Letter removed at the request of the publisher

Theme Week, Part IIIII

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents 'Don’t Be That Guy' Week!
That Guy who puts “Thanks” or “Thank You” in their email signature instead of actually typing it each time they send a message...Don’t Be That Guy.


Other than being the tiniest bit lazy, what's so wrong about that? How can you even tell anyway?


What's wrong with it is that it's hypocritical and dilutes the actual thanking that you're doing. In this day and age, where managers are told to reward employees with a 5-word compliment and a firm handshake (Also known as the Attaboy Special), and that you should always take the time to say "thank you," often that miniscule bit of gratitude is all we get or give. When you water it down by offering it to everybody who ever gets an email from you, and worse, take any sort of effort out of the act for yourself, you're actually taking away from the gratitude you're giving. Sure, it's more efficient, and most of your work emails probably end in "Thanks" anyway, but how hard is it to actually thank the person with 6 or 9 key strokes rather than letting the computer do it for you? Take the extra 2.4 seconds and actually express some thanks for a job well done.

As for how you can tell...now that you're all going to start looking for it, you'll find it comes remarkably easily. Most people will mix it up a little bit, depending on the type of email....using both 'Thanks' and 'Thank You' pretty interchangably. "That Guy" will obviously never deviate from their chosen variation, since they don't give themselves the choice. Also, if the Thanking is built into the end of a line of typed text, it's usually a good indication that it's not a Sig. If the Thanks starts and ends it's own line of text, you may be dealing with "That Guy"...also look for a more liberal space than usual between the end of the email and the Thanks. More than one space in between email and Thank You is a sure sign. Finally, look for punctuation. That Guy will often put a period or a comma at the end of their Thank You, which will never change from email to email. Consistancy is a telling sign.


Good stuff today. Very informative. Got anything else?


In fact, I do. If you're like me...


God, I hope not


Then you're probably wondering where rappers and famous people get those shiny gold and jewel-studded teeth. You're thinking how much better you'd look if only you could find a set for yourself. Well, wonder no more!

Mr. Bling!

Also, you're all familiar with the quintessential "Am I Hot Or Not" website. Well here's something along the same lines, but for grills. (And I don't mean barbecues)

See My Grill

Theme Week, Part IIII

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents 'Don’t Be That Guy' Week!
That Guy who wears socks and sandals...Don’t Be That Guy.


This one is pretty obvious...does it really need to be said?


The answer to that, Loyal Imaginary Reader, is a painful, yet emphatic "yes". Especially during the summer months, people ignore this simple rule of etiquette all the time. Now, while it may be a complete violation of decency and all that is right with the world, it does provide us some people to laugh at...and isn't that what it's really all about?

Also, if you should happen to brush off my advice, you may end up on This Website. You don't want that.


Speaking of laughing, does this mean there's no Office tonight?


Not so! There is a new Hour-Long episode again tonight. Don't get too used to the whole 60-minute thing, next week's episode will be the last jumbo episode for some time. We go back to the standard 30-minute format after that. This week, Dwight competes against the new corporate website to see which is the better paper salesman. In case you missed last week, Ryan came back from corproate to launch the new Company Website ask Pam out, only to be shot down quickly. If you're keeping track, this is the second of Jim's girlfriends that Ryan has gone after. Michael drove his rental car into a lake to prove a point about technology, and Toby outed Pam and Jim to everyone. Poor Toby...he has a crush on Pam too.


So why is there no quote today?


Theme Weeks always trump Office quotes on Thursdays. But, if you were caught unaware and came here looking for your Office fix for the week, I'll set you up with a quote to help ease the transition.

• "When you become close with someone you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. Right now, the title of Michael's book is "Something Weird is Going On...colon...What Did Jan Say?...The Michael Scott Story... by Michael Scott... with Dwight Schrute." Dwight Schrute; Dunder Mifflin

Theme Week, Part III

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents 'Don’t Be That Guy' Week!
That Guy who cracks a joke at someone’s expense in a meeting, then looks around for everybody else’s approval...Don’t Be That Guy.


That can be pretty uncomfortable, can't it?


Yes...and more than that, it's basically an admission that you did something wrong and know it. But, as long as somebody else is laughing or bobbing their head like a good little sycophant, you're still okay.


But what about the joke itself?


In general, it's not a good idea to embarrass anybody in a meeting, even with a harmless joke. Remember: The toes you step on today may be attached to the butt you have to kiss tomorrow.


So I understand there were some good letters?


Oh, gosh yes...We would have run a Letter to the Editor yesterday, but the rant about the Yankees took precedent. As a special treat, we present a two-spot of Letters from the Erie Times-News:

• Letter removed at the request of the publisher
  
• Letter removed at the request of the publisher

Theme Week, Part II

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents 'Don’t Be That Guy' Week!
That Guy who sits in meetings spinning a pen around on his finger...Don’t Be That Guy.


Ooo, that is obnoxious.


Yes it is...not only is it distracting for the other people in the meeting, but it's also distracting for yourself, and is a clear indication that you're not paying attention to what's going on in the meeting. Whenever I see somebody doing this, I make sure to ask them a question, so they either drop their pen or have to admit they weren't listening. I'm cruel like that.


But some of the pen tricks are kinda cool


I agree. They're very much like juggling, which certainly has its place....just not in my meeting! In the interest of science, I've decided to provide you all with a link to a website about Pen Spinning. I'm sure more info can be obtained on Youtube or The Google. Just don't practice in my meeting!


So, you must be pleased with the sports news today.


Indeed I am. I will break out my best John Sterling impression to announce:

YANKEES LOSE! YANKEES LOSE! THE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E YANKEES LOSE!!!!!

Once again, the best team money can buy can't buy their way out of the first round of the playoffs, and 90% of the baseball world outside of the Greater New York City Area rejoices.

Now...despite the fact that the Cleveland Indians played 4 very good baseball games, and, with the exception of Game 3, pretty much had their way with the vaunted Yankees lineup in this series, and knocked around every last one of the Yankees starting pitchers...who gets all the media attention now that the Indians have moved on to the AL Championship Series?

ESPN:

Sports Illustrated:

The Sporting News:



So, now that the 4 teams who deserved to get to the Championship Series are playing, and the two that win will move on to the World Series...where will all the attention be? Naturally, on whether or not Joe Torre gets fired as the manager of the Damn Yankees.

Theme Week, Part I

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents 'Don’t Be That Guy' Week!
That Guy who wears shorts to work...Don’t Be That Guy.


That is a little weird, isn't it?


Yeah, it's really a pretty pointless thing to do, and it's unprofessional. I mean, really....this is an office, not a gym. Wear pants.

Also, the building is air conditioned, and is pretty consistently kept at the same temperature year round. This, of course, is not the case in my office, when the heat becomes oppressive in the winter. My office temperature is generally hovering in the upper 70's all day once the snow starts to fall. But I'm still wearing pants!


Good for you!


Yes, it is. Thank you.


So how's about some letters, Blag Boy?


You've got it! As long as we're dealing with etiquette advice, here's a helpful tip, of sorts, from the Erie Times-News:

• Letter removed at the request of the publisher

Sweet Clyde, laugh derisively at him

“I just made a spreadsheet with columns titled ‘Action Item’ ‘Owner’ and ‘Target Date.’ This is the first time I've done this in over a year. Ugh I feel dirty.” - Jeff Amadon


Who's this guy, and why do I care?


Jeff is a former colleague who moved on to bigger and better some time ago. By choice, mind you...this was before the layoffs. He now toils away making solar cells or something, but apparently has now decided to stop being productive, and has resorted to the timeless art that is Engineering by Collecting Owners and Target Dates. Way to go, Jeff!


Were there any good Letters to the Editor today?


The answer to that is a Yes, with an If, and a No with a But. Often, during the school year, teachers will assign homework to students in their class to write a Letter to the Editor. These letters tend to be grouped together in a phemonenon I like to call "Homework Day." The results are often painful, like this Stellar Effort from the archives:

• Letter removed at the request of the publisher

So, today was "Homework Day" in the paper, but the majority of the letters were from Middle School kids. We here at Jeremy's Sametime Status (Jeremy Is In The Office) have made a conscious effort to limit our mockery to those of High School age or older, so there will be no re-prints today. Sorry.

I'll answer that with a question...

“What happens to a company if somebody takes a boss away? I will answer your question with a question: it's like what happens to a chicken when you take its head away. It dies...unless you find a new head. I need to see which one of these people have the skills to be a chicken head.” Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin


So, new Office tonight, huh?


Yep...it's another hour-long episode...which really just means two half-hour episodes slapped together without credits in between like last week's.


But what happened last week? Are Jim and Pam together or what?


It's official....but secret. Jim and Pam are now together, but nobody except the documentary crew knows about it. In other news, Michael hit Meredith with his car, Dwight euthanized Angela's cat and Toby won the Fun Run.


Is that it?


What else were you expecting?


The answer to yesterday's thing.


Okay, okay....since you asked so nicely. The answer (as correctly stated by Willy yesterday) is as follows:
James, while John had had "had," had had "had had." "Had had" had had a better effect on the teacher.

Presumably, they had turned in a grammar assignment of some sort--John wrote a sentence in past tense, and James used past perfect, past perfect being preferable, at least to their teacher.

In addition, the Buffalo thing...the sentence is a whimsical combination of the 3 uses of the word Buffalo. The City, the animal, and the verb meaning "to bully." the sentence, when broken down is a description of the social heirarchy in a herd of Bison. Basically meaning "Bison from Buffalo, New York who are intimidated by other bison in their community also happen to intimidate other bison in their community."

It's kinda like the Buffalo thing...

Punctuate the following so that it make sense: "James while John had had had had had had had had had had had a better effect on the teacher"


Wha....?


It's another Jeremy's Sametime Status Quiz, left as an exercise for the reader. Get out your grammar books and get cracking. Those of you who are lazy (and you know who you are) should find the answer here tomorrow, but you have no chance at winning a prize.


So there's a prize for getting it right?


Doubtful. If you get it right, and you're within a reasonable distance, and I happen to run into you at any given time near an open cafeteria or Starbucks or something, and you remind me, I may buy you a cup of coffee. If I feel like it.


So what's this Buffalo thing?


It's a somewhat famous logic puzzle about how "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo" is a grammatically correct sentence. The proof of that is left as an exercise for the reader. Or Wikipedia.


I found today's blag a little unsatisfying


Well then please enjoy this letter to the editor, courtesy of the Erie Times-News. Figuring out exactly what this guy is talking about is left as an exercise for the reader.


Letter removed at the request of the publisher

Yes, as do I. It is warm and crispy.

So wait, the cafeteria workers can toast croissants, but the rest of us can’t? DISCRIMINATION!!!


I don't get why this is so offensive


It seems you need some backstory.

A while back, we ran a Sametime Status that read, Contrary to what the sign tells you, I encourage you to not “Use Your Head When Toasting Bread” in the 300 cafeteria. Nothing jump-starts my morning quite like watching the toaster go up in flames.

The cafeteria in my building has a high-volume toaster, similar to the one pictured here, but ancient:



Because people had set the thing on fire so many times, the cafeteria employees actually put a sign on top of the toaster, using the quote in the above Sametime Status (USE YOUR HEAD WHEN TOASTING BREAD!). It specifically told you not to toast buttered items, croissants, or anything with cheese. This deprived me of the fun of watching the toaster ignite for a while, until somebody realized that Blueberry Muffins weren't on the list of banned substances. That was a special morning, because not only did the muffin shreds light up, but they served as kindling for the rest of the muffin, which came down the slide fully engulfed. It was glorious.

Sadly, I haven't seen the toaster on fire since. But today, I had a front-row seat as one of the cafeteria staff brazenly defied orders, and placed a croissant into the toaster. I sat back with anxious anticipation, waiting for the payoff of smoke and fire, thinking how amazing the rest of my day would be if only the morning were to get off to this start...

Nothing happened. She got a slightly over-toasted croissant. Maybe next time.

Words of Wisdom

Light Travels Faster Than Sound, Which Is Why Some People Appear Bright Until You Hear Them Speak.


I like it...you didn't come up with that, did you?


No...this isn't a Jeremy Original, as such...but I don't remember where I got it. It was probably off of a message board somewhere. It's very insightful, though...and explains a lot.


So that's it?


Yes. That's all I've got today.


But it's been a while since we've had a Letter to the Editor. I miss them.


Well then, you're in luck! Here's a letter from the Erie Times-News reprimanding the TV news on the North Coast:


Letter removed at the request of the publisher

It's Long Been a Dream of Mine...

www.icerocks.com - I am not making this up.


So, what? It's rocks or something?


I felt obligated to let you all know about an exciting new product from the “Water Bank Of America” Company called ICEROCKS®!

According to the website, ICEROCKS® uses a patented technology, providing a container of refreshing ice cubes that are pure and hygienic..... ICEROCKS® is sold in its unfrozen state (liquid), making it a product offering substantial savings in terms of delivery costs, in that it does not require trucks to be refrigerated for transportation.

What is going on here is that they’re selling you ice in its “unfrozen state,” in a disposable ice cube tray so you just have to add cold and serve. Being the nice guy that I am, I’ve put together a potential storyboard for their infomercial. Enjoy.

---

Voiceover:

Are you tired of going to the store and buying old fashioned ice cube trays?



Frustrated with having to fill up ALL THOSE individual cubes with ordinary water, before putting them in the freezer and waiting...and waiting...and waiting? Who has the time?



And, when your guests arrive, and you need those ice cubes...this happens. OH NO!!! How embarrassing!



Now, there’s ICEROCKS®! The ice you need, without the hassle you don’t.



Simply insert the package into your freezer, and in no time at all, you have pure, frozen ice, ready to serve. Enough for ALL of your drinks! AMAZING!



Ordinary ice cube trays get dirty...



...or covered in unhealthy bacteria...



...but ICEROCKS® are hermetically sealed, so there’s nothing inside but the purest, freshest, healthiest ice cubes you’ve ever tasted.




Cut to testimonial



"Back when I was growing up, all I had were ice cubes out of the top shelf of the freezer. They weren’t hermetically sealed, and what’s worse, they were made out of dirty, disgusting tap water! From the ground! I think about how it was back then and I wonder how I ever survived without pure ice. But now, with ICEROCKS®, I don’t have to worry about what my kids are drinking."

Voiceover:

Yes, ICEROCKS®...pure, delicious ice. Prepackaged so there’s no mess, no stress, nothing but fresh ice enjoyment for you and your family.



How much would you expect to pay for the peace of mind that only pure ice can give you?



$49.95?



$29.95? NO WAY! You’d probably be happy paying 19.95 for your ICEROCKS®, but call us today, and we’ll send you not 1, not 2, but 48 ICEROCKS® for the low, low price of only $5.89! That’s right, you get 48 crisp, delicious ICEROCKS® for the unbelievably low price of only $5.89 (plus shipping and handling)!! To order your ICEROCKS®, dial 561-392-3336 right now. BUT WAIT!! There’s more!



Call in the next 10 minutes, and we’ll give you a 10% Discount on 10 or more cases. That’s over $5 in savings, just for ordering! AMAZING! Be sure to ask about joining our “Penguin Club,” which entitles you to additional savings with every order! Call, and enjoy the purest, cleanest ice you’ve ever tasted TODAY!