Theme Week, Part IV

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents:  Stuff People Won’t Buy Me For Christmas Week!  Day 4: Nexus 10
 
 
 Hi, everybody.  LIR here.  We here at Jeremy Is In The Office like to take roughly this time of year to treat you to a special holiday-themed Theme Week...because...we want you to feel obligated to buy us presents.  Feeling guilty yet?  How about now?  Anyway, today, Jeremy wants electronics.


So the eternal question "What do you want for Christmas?" really doesn't have much of an answer this year, since as I think I mentioned a couple posts back, I genuinely don't need or want anything.  About the closest I come to actually wanting something right about now is the new Nexus 10 tablet from The Google.  It's every bit the technological equivalent of the latest iPad without the Apple opression, iTunes, arrogant proprietary interfaces ("Lightning" connector?  Seriously?  The "U" in USB stands for Universal), and price inflation of the latest iPad. 

That said, it's still WAY over the budget of what anybody is actually looking to spend on presents.  Unless, of course, you're an idiot Who Buys A Fake One At A Gas Station or something.  If that's the case, I don't know if I should really be accepting presents from you anyway. 

Besides...while I may claim to want one of these tablets, I have no earthly clue what I would do with it.  I'm certainly not lacking in electronic equipment in my house, and this thing would mainly be a really expensive electronic toy which serves many purposes that are already served better by stuff I already have.  I don't get me sometimes.  Regardless, I don't expect to see a Nexus 10 under the tree.


That's it for us, folks.  Jeremy Is In The Office is now on vacation and will be Out Of The Office until January 2.  We'll return with a whole new 2013 full of whimsy.  Happy Holidays, everybody!

Theme Week, Part III

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents:  Stuff People Won’t Buy Me For Christmas Week!  Day 3: Lamborghini Aventador

  

  

 Hi, everybody.  LIR here.  We here at Jeremy Is In The Office like to take roughly this time of year to treat you to a special holiday-themed Theme Week...because...repetition is funny.  Also, we like creating new traditions.  To that end, this year, we're bringing you a list of gifts that Jeremy doesn't expect to find under his tree Christmas morning.  Today...a new car. 

Not just any car...a shiny new Lambo!  

 

I totally would buy you this, Jeremy...but I don't have $400,000 laying around in the cushions of my couch.  You're better off with socks anyway.  

Not long ago, I was driving to lunch and I looked up ahead and saw the rear of a shiny new white car.  It looked like a pretty nice car to me, and I thought to myself, "That looks like a pretty nice car.  Wonder what it is."  I then gently exceeded the speed limit to catch up to it (right before we all stopped in front of a red light, but that's beside the point) so I could read the badges on the back.  

In this case, you really did need some stinking badges.  

The car turned out to be a Maserati GranTurismo, valued at somewhere around $150,000.  Boy was he upset when I ran into his car.  

Totally kidding.  I wouldn't want to scratch the paint on my car.  

Anyway, having seen what kind of car it was, and how the performance of mine paled in comparison, I thought of what kind of car I would be driving if money were no object.  I honestly didn't know, because I like my car.  It's fun to drive, looks nice, doesn't make me look like a pretentious jerkface, and is totally decent on gas mileage.  In a different world, maybe I'd be driving something more cushy and luxurious...or maybe something super powerful and sporty...who knows?  

If commercials are to be believed, one of the best gifts to give somebody during the holiday season is a new car.  Popular choices are Lexus, Infinity, Land Rover, and Cadillac...again, if you believe the commercials.  So here's Jeremy, shooting for the moon again.  As long as I'm not expecting anybody to buy me a new car, I may as well not expect anybody to buy me a super expensive uber-car.  So I won't be expecting a shiny new Aventador under my tree.  With a price tag of $390,000 I doubt I'll be surprised.      

Theme Week, Part II

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents:  Stuff People Won’t Buy Me For Christmas Week!  Day 2:  Mayan Civilization 2013 Page-A-Day Calendar
 
  Hi, everybody.  LIR here.  We here at Jeremy Is In The Office like to take roughly this time of year to treat you to a special holiday-themed Theme Week...because...we care or something.  Also, the hustle and bustle of the holiday season makes us too lazy to come up with new stuff.  This year, we present you a list of gift items that Jeremy won't be finding under his tree.  There are reasons for that, as you'll see. 
 
 
So, as sad as it is for all of us to think about, there won't be a Christmas this year, white or otherwise.  Looks like out Jewish friends got it right, celebrating Hanukkah already so that they can get it in while there's still a world.  As you're probably aware, the Mayans predicted the end of the world on Dec 21st of this year....which means Friday.  Hopefully, all of your affairs are in order, because the end is a mere 3 days away now.  It is on that day that the 12th B'ak'tun completes, and we either move on to the 13th, or in one horrific misinterpretation, the calendar just stops, and the world is over. 

There's also the more "scientific" theory that a solar flare will cause the magnetic poles of the earth to reverse, causing an energy release equal to 100 Billion atomic bombs.  This claim comes from an interview on Fox News, which should come as a shock to nobody.  It's also beside the point.

So, the Mayan calendar ends on Friday, so 2012 would be the last year of the Mayan Page-A-Day Calendar, so I really don't expect anyone to buy one for me. 

Theme Week, Part I

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents:  Stuff People Won’t Buy Me For Christmas Week!  Day 1:  Real Estate

Hi, everybody.  LIR here.  We here at Jeremy Is In The Office like to take roughly this time of year to treat you to a special holiday-themed Theme Week...because...well, it's easier than doing other stuff.  This year, rather than presenting you, the gift-buying public, a list of stuff to buy Jeremy, we're going the opposite direction and displaying a list of stuff that Jeremy, regrettably or otherwise, won't be finding under his tree.  We start, as we do many things, in the world of cartoons. 

That's right.  While everyone out there is racking their brains trying desperately to find the perfect gift for their favorite Sametime Status Blagger, I'm thinking differently.  Sure, I like to dream big, but I also have realistic expectations after years of gift-giving occasions coming up with new clothes that don't fit.  (Note:  A couple years ago, I did get a very nice sweater for Christmas, and I do in fact still wear it...so that's not included in the previous sentence.)  Ask me about the Infamous Answering Machine Message prior to my birthday one year.  Side note: my parents are laughing right now. 

This year is no exception.  I'm entirely certain that I'm not going to get what I really want for Christmas, entirely because I quite honestly have no idea what it is that I really want for Christmas.  Makes shopping a little more difficult, I'll concede...but the mind wants what the mind wants.  Or doesn't want...or doesn't know what it wants...or something.  You know what I mean.  So this week is entirely devoted to the things people won't be buying me....and probably shouldn't.  

Today's topic, straight from the mouth of Lucy van Pelt, Real Estate.  Everyone knows that this was Lucy's answer to Charlie Brown asking what it was She Really Wanted For Christmas, and it's become basically my first answer to people when they ask what they should buy me.  That said, real estate is generally pretty expensive, even with mortgage interest rates what they are these days.  I also already have a house and pay enough in real estate taxes already that I don't actually need more real estate.  It just makes for a great joke and a perfect dodge for when I really can't tell somebody what the perfect gift is for their favorite Jeremy. 

Incidentally...you may have noticed over the last month or so that Jeremy basically doesn't work Friday's anymore.  This is due to a lack of proper planning of vacation days, so he just doesn't need to show up.  As such, this will likely be an unprecedented 4-day Theme Week leading up to the holidays.  Exciting! 

WARNING: Do Not Search The Internet for Enterprise vs Millenium Falcon

I’m no expert on warp drive, but with the placement of the nacelles, I can’t figure out how the Enterprise doesn’t just spin around in circles

Well, the nacelles aren't directly providing force, they're just creating the sub-space field the ship sits in while traveling at Faster Than Light (FTL) speeds.  Duh.

Nerd.

 

Hey, you're the one posting Star Trek Sametime Statuses.  Don't blame me for that.  

Also, I don't believe your theory anyway.  Regardless of whatever sub-space field (Also known as a "Warp Shell") is generated by the warp drive, something still has to propel the ship to these types of speeds.  The only thing that can be doing this are the nacelles, since the impulse engines aren't capable of that type of force.  So, here's my issue...

 
 
 Oh, you've got more issues than this...

Let's assume for the sake of this Blag post that the thrust to go to FTL speeds comes from the warp nacelles.  It's logical.  Let's also point out that I'm basing this somewhat rhetorical question on the original Constitution Class USS Enterprise, NCC-1701 as portrayed in Star Trek, The Original Series.  If you'll note, the warp nacelles are positioned approximately at the same height as the bridge, and above nearly everything else on the ship.  You May Refer To This Picture.  In a car, this would be perfectly acceptable, because things like gravity, tires, and the ground keep the car moving in one plane and in one direction.  In space, these types of things don't exist, and there's also no air resistance around.  The result is the purest form of Newton's Third Law....the whole equal and opposite reaction.  For example, if you're out in space and you have a wrench and you wanted to turn a bolt, you would just as easily turn yourself around the bolt as you would actually turn the bolt.  Because of all this, any thrust to power a space ship would need to come from directly opposite the intended direction of motion, and would also need to be precisely in line with the center of mass of the whole ship.  

Take a coin and set it on a table.  If you push it from the back, it goes forward.  If you push it slightly off-center, it moves, but eventually spins off of your finger.  Unless the thrust of the Enterprise is centered exactly on the ship, this is the same thing that will happen when it goes to warp.  So to have the nacelles positioned so high above the bulk of the ship makes no sense...all of the thrust will be high above the center of mass, sending the poor ship careening in little vertical circles at extreme speeds.  The inertial dampeners might be able to stave off motion sickness for a little while, but eventually, that's going to catch up to you.  

Ostensibly, this was fixed with the Galaxy Class Starships, such as Enterprise NCC-1701-D, but I can't be sure without full technical schematics and a complete lack of dignity.  

Let's Use 24-Hour Time Too, So We Can Have 13:13:13

Today is 12/12/12.  Until we add a 13th month to the calendar, this will be the last time this ever happens...or something  

What in blazes are you talking about, you monkey?  1/1/1 is less than 90 years away.  

Yeah, but with the end of the world coming in 9 days, I don't think we'll make it that long. 

Oy...

So anyway....as you may be aware, today is 12/12/12...and that holds true if you live in the US or Canada.  It doesn't quite hold as true if you're Jewish, as today would be the 28 of Kislev, in the year 5773.  I don't know what numbered month Kislev is, and I'm not going to look it up, so let's assume that it's the 12th...which would make today 12/28/73, or 28/12/73 if you're Jewish AND Canadian.  

It's all pretty confusing.

Of course, if we were still using the Julian calendar, and ignored that whole Pope Gregory thing, we'd still be chugging along in November.  11/29, to be exact. 

Then again, if the Islam calendar is to be believed, it's only the 28th of Muharram, 1434.  

I could go on...there are other converters on the Internets...but I think you get the point.  

Another Air-Headed Post by Jeremy

If we just figure out that whole Cold Fusion thing, the helium shortage will take care of itself

But then there will enough helium to keep clowns in business.  Nobody wants that.

Not everybody is afraid of clowns, you know.  

True, but nobody actually likes them.  

So anyway...I work in the technology field as an engineer.  One of the things I'm asked to do on an all-too-frequent basis is to "Think Outside The Box."  It's a cliche I'm certain you've heard before.  Being creative like I am, I often go a little too far outside the box for most people's tastes, but I'm okay with that.  

One of the areas of technology that I deal with is helium.  It's a gas that is far more useful than making balloons float and your voice sound funny, and most people don't realize that.  It's very often used as an inert cooling gas used to regulate the temperature of highly sensitive areas of equipment, such as electrostatic chucks and powerful magnets.  As such, the technology company that I work for uses quite a bit of helium.  

At this point, it's important to note that the world's supply of helium has officially reached "shortage" levels, and the government has even tapped into its strategic reserve of the gas.  Everybody who uses large amounts of helium is aware of this and working feverishly to reduce their usage.  All of this said, as of right now, there is no way to artificially create helium...all of the supply we get comes from natural gas wells.  One other remarkably abundant source of helium is the Sun (since stars exist due to hydrogen fusing into helium), but there are fairly obvious and significant problems with obtaining it.  Alas, our supply given current technology is finite.  A better solution is required!  

Another problem always facing the world is the supply of energy.  Fossil fuels, wind, solar power, hydrogen fuel cells, nuclear power...all of this stuff has its pluses and minuses, and probably won't be able to power the world forever.  While the supply of these energies is asymptotic, and not quite infinite (The sun will keep going for a couple billion more years, after all), our need for sources of power is growing constantly.  A better solution is required!  

Two problems with one inescapable and elegant solution.  Cold Fusion!  All we need to do is get cracking on turning this whole Cold Fusion thing into reality...start fusing our own hydrogen into helium, extract bundles of energy from the reaction, and have some extra helium laying around (Okay, floating around) as a bonus!  Win-Win-Win!  

Get on it, Science! 

Nobody Ever Hears It Without Miss Piggy Anymore

“The Twelve Days of Christmas” is a very irresponsible song in this age of Bird Flu

I also find it a little shocking that a professed "true love" would send so many dangerous animals during a joyous holiday time.  

Depending on the interpretation of the lyrics, some jerk is out there sending somebody they supposedly care about either 23 or 184 birds.  The difference, of course, comes from whether you choose to believe that the gifts from the previously numbered days are repeated or not.  This gets a little tricky right about the time you have to procure your third set of 10 Lords for leaping, which lends credence to the other interpretation.  That being the structure where only that numbered day's gift is supplied, which is added to the existing pile of sequentially numbered gifts.  So, you can either choose to believe that the Four Calling Birds are only given on the fourth day, with a net total of four birds, or that they are given on the 4th, 5th, 6th etc days, leading to 9 individual gifts of 4 Calling Birds each, for a total of 36. 

Ultimately, if you believe that the gifts are repeated, you will end up with a total of 12 Partridges (Pear Trees, but not batteries, included), 22 Turtle Doves, 30 French Hens (Which is at least mildly racist), 36 Calling Birds (which will eat up your Wireless Minutes in a heartbeat), and a whopping 42 each of Geese and Swans.  Even without the threat of Bird Flu, your floors are now a complete and total mess.  

On a completely unrelated note, does anyone else find it odd that of this joker's gifts, six of the first seven are birds, while none of the last five are?  Took this chump an entire week to figure out a present other than a bird...aside from the rings. That gift idea was clearly planted.

I would hope that the Pear Tree was also planted at some point...

 

Back to business at hand.  I don't know what the statistics are in terms of what percentage of the worldwide bird population is carrying Bird Flu at any given time, or what the transmission rate is for each individual species of bird.  Nor do I know how close in contact the unfortunate recipient of these fowl will be to all of the gift birds.  I also don't know if it's acceptable to look a gift bird in the mouth (Equine protocols have been firmly established since St. Jerome in the year 400).  What I do know is that with 184 birds in close proximity to a new owner, the odds of acquiring Avian Flu are an astonishing 83%.  Doesn't sound like much of a Christmas present to me.  

That's it.  You're getting socks. 

Except On The West Coast

We now return you to your regularly scheduled Jeremy

That's unfortunate.  I was hoping for a new and improved one.

Sadly, I can't help you there..it's just me.  

Anyway, today's Sametime Status is one of those rare times when it's more relevant to me and the people I work with than the people who read this stuff for the bountiful entertainment it usually provides.  

See, I've had this project going on at work for the last couple weeks which has been soaking up pretty much all of my time, energy, and willingness to live.  It got finished up (or as close to finished up as I can make it) yesterday, and aside from an extremely small smattering of minor updates, is complete.  I can now actually devote my time to actual stuff I'm supposed to have been working on for the last couple weeks.   Needless to say, I'm a little behind. 

Ironic That I Wrote This While Drinking Coffee?

It’s Password Day!  My email password is no longer RonPaul4Prez

That actually would make a great password.  Nobody actually wants Ron Paul to be president, so nobody would think to guess that if they were trying to hack into your email.  You may be on to something here.  Wonder if anyone used "Mondale84".  Roughly the same level of security.  

That might not have worked as well in Minnesota.  That was the only state Mondale won.

Nobody from Minnesota had email in 1984, so I guess it's a moot point.

So, it's at this point that I feel obligated to tell you that neither this nor any of my "Password Day" posts have ever been used as my actual email password.    

Anyway, it should be obvious that the last Password Day happened somewhere not too far in advance of the Presidential election, so it would almost make sense to have used one of the candidates as my email password.  Almost.  

The downside of today's Sametime Status, of course, is that it makes yet another reference to the Presidential election, which nobody wants to hear another word about in their lifetimes.  So....yeah.  Enjoy that. 

This Totally Counts

Happy Electronic Greetings Day, everybody!

Thanks, Jeremy!  Interesting that you choose to wish us this by way of an electronic greeting.  Very meta of you.

I thought so.  

So since I really have no original comedy for you today...

You usually have original stuff, but comedy is another thing entirely.

I decided to make you aware of the newest video series you should watch.  From the makers of Nerdist's All-Star Celebrity Bowling comes Neil Patrick Harris in Neil's Puppet Dreams.  This, combined with How I Met Your Mother and Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog almost make me want to go back and watch the old Doogie Howser series.  Sure, it seemed like a remarkably stupid concept for a show when it first came out, but ostensibly, so is a musical love story about a mad scientist, and a puppet show about a guy's disturbing dreams.  Those turned out pretty okay.      

Anyway...I'm on vacation tomorrow, since I still have a pile of vacation days to use before the end of the year.  Yay for poor planning!  See you monday. 

There's A Bathroom On The Right

If Willy and the Poor Boys are playing down on the corner, why am I supposed to stay here and listen to CCR? 

Uhm....do Willy and the Poor Boys actually exist, or are they just from the song lyrics?


I quite honestly have no idea, and I can't be bothered to look it up.

Anyway, like many songs sung my CCR, or more generally John Fogerty, I have no idea what the lyrics actually are.   I've even gone so far as to look up the lyrics to "Down On The Corner" several times and every time I hear the song, I'm still hopelessly lost.  I was once again reminded that the song is talking about the musical group "Willy and the Poor Boys" who are playing music down on the corner...and apparently out in the street. 

While this is a remarkably unsafe place for an impromptu concert, I feel the need to go listen to them.  I mean...come on...their music is apparently so good that other musical groups write songs about them.  This doesn't happen very often, particularly in the genre of hip-hop where the artists spend the vast majority of their time talking about how they, themselves, are the best rapper despite the lack of empirical evidence.  So I'm left with CCR singing incoherently about somebody else having a concert not far away.  This is akin to NBC airing a commercial for a show running on CBS at the same time...it makes no sense from NBC's or CCR's point of view.  It seems to actually encourage people to leave to find alternate sources of entertainment, either down on the corner, or down on the other channel.  I don't get it.  Or maybe we're all still hearing the words wrong...with Fogerty, you can never tell. 

Usually, I'm A Genius

I carefully dry out the inside of my coffee cup before I put water in it to make coffee

I'm sure that's important for some reason.  

I'd like to think so, but I'm pretty sure it's not the case.    Anyway...I have my little routine.  I disassemble the business bits of the coffee maker, which includes the coffee basket and filter screen, and take that, along with my cup, to the sink to clean it out.  My coffee maker doesn't use one of those paper filters, it just has a little bucket with small holes in the bottom.  That thing is filled with coffee grounds (At work, I tend to use pre-ground coffee just to save time.  Everyone knows that Freshly Ground Coffee Tastes Better), and needs to be dumped out and cleaned after every cup.  So, once I've tossed the old grounds, I wash out the basket, screen, and cup so that I don't get diseases or anything.  After that, I dry everything with the supplied paper towels.  This is important for the coffee maker bits and the outside of the coffee cup, since those areas will be the ones dripping water the entire way back to my office, and nobody wants that.  Because That's How You Get Ants.  

Anyway...for no apparent reason, I take this same time to carefully dry out the inside of the coffee cup...you know...the part where the coffee goes.  Ostensibly, I'm doing this so that any future coffee is not watered down by the extra water, but here's the problem: my coffee maker is one of those single-cup brewing thingies that only holds one cup of water at a time.  The first thing that I do after I dry out the cup is fill it with water to take back to the coffee maker.  I don't know why I do this, but I can't seem to stop. 

Go Ahead...Ask About The Great Pumpkin. I Dare You.

In a bit of Revisionist History, the Pilgrims were never invited to Thanksgiving, but simply crashed the Native Americans’ harvest party

Awe geeze....this is how you're spending our Friday?

Through fun and whimsical education?  Yes it is.

Nobody's learning anything, other than how to get sued.  

Many of you know the story of Thanksgiving as it's taught in schools.  Of course, you've also been told the story of Christopher Columbus as it's taught in schools, and that's total nonsense, too.  (Aristotle had discovered that the world was round 2000 years before Columbus sailed.  That's exacerbated by the fact that 1492 was the year the Globe was invented, so that whole "proving the world was round thing is complete and total bunk.)  So, we all "know" the story of how the Patuxet tribe of Native Americans helped the pilgrims through their first winter in the new world, showed them how to plant corn and shovel snow off the driveway and celebrated the first Thanksgiving.  

Well, the real story of that particular Harvest Festival goes back a few more years to 1601, when the Patuxet tribe celebrated the first "Cornapalooza."  This festival, incidentally, is where all of the "___apalooza" festivals get their name to this day.  It was a big party where people would eat stupid amounts of food and carve their faces into pumpkins.  A quintessential American holiday if there ever was one. 

Shortly after the first Pilgrims landed at Plymouth, the first colonial college was set up so the more grown-up boys (Sorry, girls) could learn crafts like leather-working, metal-working, and cow-working.  With every college comes the inevitable fraternity presence, and the first Frat in the new world, "Alpha Alpha Alpha," was chartered within 2 months.  One day, several of the fraternity brothers were out in the woods and saw a Native American named "Tisquantum" walking around with a carved pumpkin face over his head.  They called out to him "Hey Squanto!" (which is where the Americanized version of his name comes from), and proceeded to beat him up and take his pumpkin for the purpose of putting it over their own heads, filling it with mead and drinking their way out.  

A great many gourdfulls of mead later, the frat brothers found their way to the Patuxet Cornapalooza tables.  They barged their way in, sat down, and devoured enough food to make themselves a little sick, watched the football game, then passed out in the turkey coop with feathers drawn on their faces in Sharpie.  When they awake the following morning, they immediately told the rest of the Pilgrim settlement of the giant party they were missing over at the Patuxet's house.  Both peoples celebrated Cornapalooza together, and the Native Americans gave Thanks when the Pilgrims finally left. Every year after that, the Native Americans celebrated the day that the Pilgrims finally left them alone and stopped eating all their food.  The day was made a national holiday somewhere in the 1870s. 

Now that's taken care of, Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office all next week while Jeremy does some ridiculous great circle tour of the Northeast US.  We hope everyone has a safe and happy Thanksgiving and we'll return on monday, November 26th with all new crap.  We know you're looking forward to it. 

Quarters Are Loud In The Dryer

If you lose focus in this game for one minute, somebody gets shredded business card in the laundry

I think George Clooney put it a little more elegantly.

Perhaps, but I'm also not robbing a casino...I'm just washing my clothes.  Anyway, we've all done it.  Put something through the washing machine that we shouldn't have, and it proves disastrous when it comes out.  If we're lucky, it was just a piece of paper that becomes a large mess of pulp, but if we're a little more on the unlucky side, it's chap stick or a crayon or something that comes out a sticky mess that has contaminated the entire load.

Of course, this sort of thing is entirely preventable.  There's no reason for having a handful of your own business cards in your shirt pocket once you leave work.  

There's barely a reason for you to have business cards in the first place.

A brief check of the pockets is sufficient to locate and remove any laundry contraband, and 83% of the time, I remember to do this, and trouble is averted.  Of course, that leaves a more than insignificant number of times when I'll leave something in the pockets and end up fishing change out of the bottom of my washer, or picking washed-up paper shreds out of my shirt.  I'll go ahead and let you guess which happened the last time I did laundry.  

The Aroma Of A Bias, With The Taste Of A Radial

So the company known for boiling rubber is going to tell me the best places to eat?

I don't see what Bridgestone has to do with any of this.

  

I was just recently made aware of what is apparently the gold standard in restaurant and touring guides.  I thought it was Zagat...but I was wrong.  Zagat is now owned by The Google apparently, not that that fact is relevant at all to these proceedings...just thought you might like to know.  No, the place to turn for advice on travel and fine dining is the Red Guide, published annually by the Michelin company, famous maker of tires.  

Apparently, more important than a high Zagat rating is the prestigious "Michelin Star," bestowed upon worthy restaurants on a 1 to 3 star scale.  There are currently 81 3-star restaurants in the world, and only 10 in the entire United States.  I'm reasonably certain of two things.  First, I can't afford to eat in any of these restaurants, none of which I've ever heard of.  Second, while Japan and France best the United States in number of 3-star restaurants, I'm certain we're kicking the crap out of them in number of McDonald's Restaurants.  Take that, rest of the world! 

You're Going To Hate Me For This

Can somebody please charge Patrice Wilson with crimes against humanity?


I'll draw up the paperwork.  Uhm...who exactly is this guy?  


Patrice Wilson is the remaining one-half of the production company "ARK Music Factory."  If that name doesn't ring any bells for you, learn it now, and train body to send chills up your spine when you hear it.  Basically, develop a kind of Spider Sense about hearing that name.  When it pops up, run for the hills with your hands over your ears.  

See, "ARK Music Factory" is the production company responsible for unleashing Rebecca Black's song "Friday" upon the world.  I'm not going to link to that song.  I'm just not.  If you haven't heard it by now, climb back in your cave and forget you ever read this.  Well, as if "Friday" wasn't enough for you...what with the Auto-Tuned singing to the worst lyrics ever written dubbed across a mildly creepy music video featuring 13 year-olds driving and partying...well, have I got news for you.  

Patrice Wilson has gone and done it again.  He has now grasped on to the budding career of Nicole Westbrook, whose parents are apparently as well off as Black's, and willing to pay Wilson thousands of dollars to produce a music video featuring their daughter.  The good news is that she's a markedly better singer than Black.  The bad news is that this time, the song is worse, and the video (also featuring Wilson himself...this time in a turkey costume) is FAR creepier.  

That's right, folks...the latest travesty of music has been crapped onto the internet courtesy of Mr. Wilson.  It is called "It's Thanksgiving" and I've only managed to listen to it once.  That was plenty.  But since I had to hear it, So Do You.  In the interest of full disclosure, this Youtube video (as of this writing) currently has over 65,000 dislikes, versus 8500 likes.  Not favorable. 

Incidentally...in researching today's Blag entry, I was made aware that since the public decimation of "Friday," Rebecca Black has started her own record label and plans on releasing a full CD.  This got me thinking...what exactly is involved in creating a record label?  Based on the fact that both Rebecca Black and Paris Hilton have created one, and there are over 16,000 record labels in the US and UK alone, I don't think it's much.  Based on this, I've decided to start my own record label called Miracle Records.  (If it's a great Record, it's a Miracle!)  Any and all musicians are welcome to apply, and I'll post your video to Youtube or something. 

Dudes Already Know About Chickens

Here’s a Fun Fact!  Coastal Carolina University’s mascot is a very specific fictional chicken

Was it Colonel Sanders's chicken by any chance?  

Sadly, no...though I'm sure that chicken is more of a national hero.  The official mascot of Coastal Carolina University is the "Chanticleers," named after the anthropomorphic rooster from Chaucer's "The Canterbury Tales."  I was forced to read this book in an English class at some point back and it's made so much of an impact on my life, I can't even remember what this particular tale was about.  

As a general rule, every book I was ever forced to read for an English class sucked.  My teachers and professors seemed to have an uncanny ability to thrust literature upon their classes that was in no way beneficial to me.  I did not develop a love of literature, or a desire to read other "classics" through these examples...I merely learned whimsical tidbits.  For example, I have learned that Nathaniel Hawthorne was paid by the word to write his books, which explains their remarkably overwritten length.  I've learned that The Canterbury Tales were never finished, and the main plot set up the cast for some ridiculous number of stories, a small fraction of which were ever written.  I recognized the hero's name from Crime and Punishment when it came up recently.  And I've learned that I never need to waste any part of my life on anything that has to do with Jane Austen ever again, with or without Kiera Knightley. 

I also recognized the name Chanticleer from The Canterbury Tales as being some talking chicken.  I really don't know what he did, but apparently it was good enough to name a football team after.  Go fightin' fictional chickens! 

Ball's In Your Court, Freud

Anyone else have that dream where a blue-painted Justin Bieber drops an elbow on you from the top rope?  

Oddly specific.  I've had similar dreams, but I don't think he was painted blue.  Close, though.

So yeah...I don't have much of an explanation for this.  Not that it really needs or deserves one.  I will mention that at the time, I was more upset about the fact that the blue paint rubbed off and got all over my couch than the fact that I was just hit with a flying elbow drop.  I can't really explain myself sometimes.   

Heh Heh...Duty...

It would be a total waste to not vote today after being forced to listen to all those commercials

The second greatest of all days has arrived!  Election Day!  Not because we get to witness the majesty that is the democratic process, but because we can finally and mercifully stop hearing all of the crap about the campaign everywhere we turn.  

Right you are.  I do wonder what the internets are going to do now, though...the news channel web pages and Facebook won't have any political garbage to post for at least 6 months before the next campaign begins.  

Anyway...today, I bring you a message about doing your civic duty.   That duty, of course, is voting.  My message is a little different than most, though...as I'm urging you not to vote unless you know what you're voting for.  If you plan on voting against one guy strictly because he was born in Kenya...don't vote.  If you plan on voting against the other guy strictly because you think his religion is a cult...don't vote.  If your plan is to vote for everybody on one side of the ballot because "I'm a democrat" or "I'm a republican," for the love of all things good and plenty, don't vote.  If you actually have an even rudimentary understanding of the handful of issues where the two candidates actually differ substantially, by all means vote.  I'm not here to tell you which guy is right and which is wrong.  That's up to you.  What I am here to tell you is that if you're going to vote and impact my life with your choices...be informed about it.  Also, no...CNN and Fox News are not informing you of anything.  (I almost fell out of my chair laughing when I saw an article on Fox News that had in big red letters before the headline "BIAS ALERT" informing me that CNN was biased.)  

My other message today is this.  Hyperbole is the worst thing ever to happen in the history of politics.  (See what I did there?)  We've been led to believe that we're at some sort of historical crossroads, that we're about to fall off a cliff, and that this is the most important election in the history of the country.  It's not.  Make no mistake about that...it's not.  No matter who wins today's election, the world will go on turning.  Understand that whoever wins the election genuinely loves this country and wants to see it, and everyone in it, succeed.  Sure, you may not agree with their vision of how that's going to happen, but nobody is running for office in order to make you fail.  Just because one of the candidates doesn't specifically have YOU in mind when coming up with a policy for 300 million people doesn't mean that he's against you or that he's going to destroy the country.  You have a disagreement.  In a country of 300 million people, you're going to have to agree to disagree quite often, and the other side is not necessarily the root of all evil because of it.  

One last thing...if you've already voted today, and you voted against the guy I voted for...thanks a lot, jerk.  You just cancelled out my vote and we both could have just stayed in bed.  Let me know, next time!  

He Doesn't Eat Bugs

Cookie Monster’s real name is Sid

Uhm...okay.  

Yeah...today gets an early and brief update because I'm going home after lunch to throw out everything in my fridge.  See, I haven't cleaned the thing out since the whole hurricane thing, and the CDC says that I probably should.  Also, I have to yell at some people, so I figured it would be best to do that at home instead of in my office.  So today, you get a fun little fact about Cookie Monster.  Enjoy that.   

Bat Signal Is Also Acceptable

If somebody sent me a message via carrier pigeon, I would totally respond because...come on!  Carrier Pigeon!  

So you got my message then?  Good.  I was worried about how Polly made out with it.  

Not long ago, I got a message from an acquaintance on the popular social networking site, "Facebook."  Perhaps you've heard of it.  Anyway, I didn't respond because I just didn't respond...didn't think it was a big deal.  I was accosted later in person for not having replied to the message.  This annoyed me, and also made me think.  It made me realize that I basically never respond to anything on Facebook, rarely post anything on Facebook, and don't spend my entire day liking everybody else's stuff on Facebook.  Basically, Facebook has been made to suck.  At first, it was a collection of people who had .edu email addresses, so it was a great way for college students to find each other, share experiences, and reconnect with old friends.  That was a very nice month and a half.  Then, the entirety of the Internets descended upon Facebook and turned it into the vast wasteland of flotsam that it is today.  No, I don't care what you're making for dinner, or how funny you think it is that you're "waiting for hubby to get home."  I don't want to play with your farm, or do whatever it is you're doing on your safari of bubbles.  I don't care about your mafia war, your mouse trap, the 1300 pictures of your child that you haven't had time to post in the last three weeks (By the way...I'm not making that one up, or exaggerating it in any way.  Seriously...1300), or that picture with a caption on it you find so incredibly funny because it's true.  That's why I don't respond to Facebook...not because I'm not interested in whatever it was that you sent me...but because I've come to regard Facebook as a repository of the most inane trivialities of life, so that it's a completely one-way experience.  I read stuff, but I don't want my stuff to be a part of that mess.  I'll post my stupid crap here instead!  Lucky you.  

Anyway...Facebook rant aside, I did think about methods people use to get in touch with me, and the relative levels of success they have.  The best way is via cell phone or texting, if you're fortunate enough to have my number.  Failing that, there's one of my email accounts that I check frequently, but only make very brief responses, since I'm likely typing it on my phone.  The instant messenger at work is very reliable, but only during business hours.   Same for my work email address, but if you send personal stuff there, it's likely to get buried under a pile of work messages in a matter of hours.  What it all boiled down to are the three worst ways of getting in touch with me...which are, in reverse order...Smoke Signals, Facebook, and Carrier Pigeon.  It sounded like a fairly catchy joke at first, but then I realized just how reliable a Carrier Pigeon would be.  I mean...the odds of sending a pigeon out into the world and having it find me are pretty remote, but if it actually did, and didn't die of Bird Flu along the way (That would be my test for ensuring I didn't get infected, BTW), holy crap!  I would respond to that so fast, if would amaze you.  Seriously...how awesome would it be to actually get a carrier pigeon nowadays?  Super awesome...that's how awesome!  Somebody get on that.  My birthday is coming up...you should totally send my birthday card via Carrier Pigeon.  You'd be my new best friend.  If you need to know exactly when my birthday is, you can look it up on my Facebook. 

Call Me Kal-El

With great power comes great responsibility.  With regular power comes Internet

Ladies and Gentlemen, Jeremy has returned from his little Sandy-related hiatus.  The Internets are a better place.

Thank you.  It's good to be back!  So as you're aware, unless you live in a cave somewhere other than the eastern seaboard, there was a bit of a hurricane that came through the Greater Jeremy Area, which knocked out my power for about 23 hours.  I would whine about it, but I've been camping so a lack of power is no big deal, and there are people who got much worse hands dealt to them by Sandy, so all in all, things went well.  I decided to get back to what I do best...or like...third or fourth best, maybe...making jokes!  

Today's joke deals with Spiderman, and works on many, many levels.  See, you have the play on a famous catch phrase, the storytelling of my lack of electricity, the juxtaposition of two different denotations of the word "power," the fact that I got to use the word "juxtaposition," and the antithesis between "Responsibility" and "Internet." 

Yes, the Internet is a place of a lack of responsibility.  People hide behind apparent anonymity to do all sorts of untold things.  There's your basic Trolling, there's comments on Youtube, 4chan, piracy, and Twitter.  Nobody thinks of any sort of responsibility for things they do online...unless you're a mildly popular Blogger who posts his Sametime Statuses on a webpage. 

There's Something About Dragons, Too

I don’t know if Winter is coming, but a hurricane certainly is

Batten down the hatches, everybody!  It's Sandy Time!

Yosemite Sandy?

Very few people will get that reference, but go on.

So as you may have heard, there is a major hurricane bearing down on the Greater Jeremy Area.  All of us here at Jeremy Is In The Office encourage you to stay safe and dry while this thing runs its course.  We also encourage you to pass the time by making lots of stupid jokes and pop-culture references.  

Today, I chose "Game Of Thrones" as my pop-culture reference of choice, even though I don't actually like the show, nor have I read any of the books.  I tried.  I really did.  I watched a full season and a half of the TV show trying to figure out why it was the greatest show on TV before I decided that I just didn't get it and gave up.  There are just so many characters that they thrust on you too quickly that you can't really figure out who anybody is or what their purpose in the overall plot is supposed to be before they get killed.  And they do get killed...all of them.  Another key theme in the show (and presumably the books) is that Winter is coming.  I don't know if Winter ever actually gets there (I'm told it should in Season 3 or 4), but I'm sick of waiting around for it.  All I know is that everybody goes around saying "Winter is coming" far more than anyone really should.  They really need better smalltalk.  

Do The Tau Neutrino, Everybody!

Of all the sub-atomic particles, why is the Neutron the only one that gets its own dance?  

Jeremy is, of course, referring to the Pointer Sisters' 1984 smash hit "Neutron Dance."  Jeremy also, of course, didn't do any of the appropriate legwork to find out if there is in fact another dance out there named after a sub-atomic particle. 

While I'll certainly grant that there have been new particles theorized and discovered since 1984, I'm pretty sure nobody's named a jaunty popular song after one.  Of course, more recent science, including advanced particle colliders and the CERN Large Hadron Collider have expanded our understanding of sub-atomic composition and given us many new particles to choose from.

Specifically, there are now 6 different types of Quarks (including "Strange), six different Leptons, Gauge Bosons, Photons, Gluons, and of course, the ever-elusive Higgs Boson.  

Heck...even the Neutron itself isn't just a Neutron anymore.  But I certainly can't imagine the Pointer Sisters or anyone else remaking the song as the "One Up Quark, Two Down Quarks Dance."  That would be rhythmically challenging. 

Life's A Witch

“You’re a spreadsheet wizard, Jeremy.”  - Nobody from Hogwarts

It would be interesting if there was a magic school for computer stuff 

It's called school.  They teach technology now.  

So what are you going on about here then?

My job often involves working with computers and technology.  I'm awesome at it.  Well...most times.   

Anyway, one of my areas of expertise is in working with Microsoft Office documents, such as Word files and Excel spreadsheets.  Not just writing stuff and making pretty charts, but I've become quite fluent in formulas, pivot tables, sorting, searching, forms, and the occasional custom macro.  Not long ago, I got an email that contained another engineer's version of a spreadsheet, along with the caveat, "I'm not a spreadsheet wizard," despite the fact that the formulas and protection scheme used in the spreadsheet were totally top shelf.  There were still improvements to be made.

I thought to myself, "Well, fortunately, I AM a spreadsheet wizard!" and proceeded to modify the sheet to do what the other engineer wanted it to, but didn't quite know how.  The end result was a spreadsheet that was more or less exactly what our collective team needed, in a format that is user friendly for both us and our suppliers, consistent across the entire team, and keeps our information secure.  Win-Win-Win!  Unfortunately, there have been no owls from Hogwarts around to bring my acceptance letter. 

Like Fun You Don't!

You just don’t hear the word “roustabout” anymore

Ladies and Gentlemen, the day you've been waiting for has finally arrived.  Jeremy has quit his job and is running away with the circus.  We'll see what comes of the Blag now...I imagine you'll update us from the road?

Uhm...no.  

So no more updates?  

Wait, what?  No...I'm not joining the circus.  I'm staying right here and providing the wholesome family entertainment you've come to know and love.

One out of two isn't bad, I guess...

Anyway...

So my newest Audio Book is a novel written by somebody, recently made into a major motion picture directed by somebody else.  It's called "Water For Elephants" and I'm told it's good.  I have no idea what it's about, so don't tell me.  I'll find out for myself over the next 15 hours or so of driving time.   

I found it amusing that the first chapter contained the word "Roustabout" and that led us here.     

This Actually Happened

I’m probably on some government list now that I had a box labeled “Pandemic Shipper” sent to my house

I don't know you.  I had nothing to do with this.  I want to talk to my lawyer.  

Relax, it was perfectly innocent.  It's just interesting to me that the post office would allow something like this, and maybe even moreso that the people who sent it didn't think this through any more than they did.  Here's my story:

It was time to do a little shopping on the internets.  Yeah, I know...shop local and all that, but...eh.  One of the things that I decided to buy was a board game recently made famous on the web series Table Top, celebrity board gaming with Wil Wheaton, called "Pandemic."  The game looked amazing, and dealt with something that is near and dear to me, global disease pandemics, such as Bird Flu.  As a noted Bird Flu activist, I took the moral high-road and purchased the game so I can continue to spread the message of Bird Flu awareness through fun and cooperative team building.  It really was a no brainer, and probably something I should have waited for and just told somebody else to buy me for Christmas, but again...eh.  

I purchased the game from a noted online retailer that for strictly Blag purposes, we'll call "SouthAmericanRiver Dot Com."  One of the things that makes SouthAmericanRiver so appealing is the fact that if you spend enough money, they'll ship your stuff to you for free.  The game plus the couple other things I bought with the same order were plenty to put me over the free-shipping threshold...this is good!  In order to minimize their shipping costs, the retailer piled all three items into one box, which is no big deal, but in some cases may lead to damage to occur, since the items were all different sizes.  To minimize this possibility, the board game was initially placed into its own customized box before being loaded into the final packaging.  This customized box was boldly labelled "Pandemic Shipper."

Assuming the fine folks at SouthAmericanRiver didn't know precisely what was in the smaller custom box, they would have sat there gleefully loading a box called "Pandemic Shipper" into the outgoing mail.  I wonder what was going through their mind when they sent this out, and if the post office was aware of the labeling and are now monitoring my email and Blag to see if I'm sending deadly diseases to random people.  I'm really not.  I'm just playing a game!