Time to pay up

Today’s Sametime Status is being held for ransom.


I have like 23 cents in my pocket. Is that going to be enough?


So today's Sametime Status is making light of the moron in the video seen below.


I really don't think a Sametime Status is worth going to an ATM for...


It seems this guy kidnapped himself, held himself for ransom, and failed at it.


Nobody else is going to chip in, that's for sure...


So, let back, enjoy your Thursday, and watch the following news footage:

I want the ones where I'm an astronaut.

I don’t dream enough for my dreams to be about going to a dentist.


Yeah, dentists suck right out loud.


I agree. It's bad enough they take up as much of my real life as they do (any amount is too much), but when they start to invade my subconscious, they've gone too far.


It's a violation.


So, I don't even have an appointment scheduled anytime soon, so I'm not sure what brought this on, but yes...I had a dream about going to the dentist last night. I woke up thinking, "Wow...that was a total waste of a dream." So, to the American Dental Association, I say a hearty "No Thanks!" and request to get my sleep time back. The next time had better be about puppies or something.

Remember, Defeat tastes Salty

Vengeance tastes tingly.


What did the UPS driver do this time?


Actually, today's Sametime has nothing to do with vengeance or anger or anything of that ilk. It just happens to be a line from the whimsical webcomic Two Lumps, in which one of the main characters is seeking revenge on a computer cable. For some reason, that particular line amused me to no end, and so I decided to share it with you today.


Glad you did. Any chance of sharing something worthwhile?


On this blag? Roughly never. Instead, you get a video of a lawyer discussing how to flip somebody the bird during trial, and for some reason, the witness pointing out the fact that he's wearing a green tie at the end. Enjoy!

As long as I get to tour the factory.

Drink Slurm. It's highly addictive!


Yanked straight from Futurama. Quite original.


Not the point. It seemed like a good idea to run this Great Sametime Status Message today because of the big news going on in the world.


Which is?


Former astronaut and current patriot Edgar Mitchell has confirmed that Aliens Are Real, and Have Visited Earth!!


Maybe it was just a Bug in an Edgar Suit. Ever think of that?


So apparently, the government and NASA have been covering the existence of Alien life and activity on earth for the last 60 years. But now, the secret is out! Roswell was real, and there really were aliens from another planet, people from another time, and an automatonic robot head buried in the dessert. Let's go find it!!

Revenge of Rhetorical Friday

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, can electricians be delighted?


I guess it would also follow that Cowboys can get Deranged...


So there are two important things going on in the world today. First, on my commute to work this morning, I saw a guy cleaning the inside of his windshield. No, he was not in a parking lot, or a driveway...he was driving along the road, cleaning his car as he went. While on the surface, this is only a mildly disturbing thing, what made it extraordinary is that the guy was a driving instructor for one of the local driving schools, as evidenced by the lit-up plastic sign on the roof of the car.


I think Models can be Deposed, too...


Secondly, I found a video that I really want to share with you. It's mildly political, which I tend to avoid on the Blag here, but in this case, I think it's okay.


Musicians should be Denoted...


So what this guy did is go around, repeating a quote, and asking random passers-by if the quote was originally spoken by George W. Bush, or Batman as played by Adam West in the 1960's TV Series. It's quite fun to play along, and seems to be a bit harder than you might think. Have fun!

Watch the Video Here!!!


Dry Cleaners probably get Depressed...

You've always wanted to know

D. Kolb and E.K.E. Gunderson's study, "Alcoholism in the United States Navy" reports that attempts to prevent, diagnose and rehabilitate sailors suffering from alcohol-related problems are to a measurable degree superior to the older approach of simple hospitalization (published in Armed Forces and Society, Vol. 3, No. 2, pp. 183-194).


I'm sure that's a remarkably useful study.


Well, I imagine it is. I often hear people singing about what they should do with a Drunken Sailor.


So what else have you got for us today?


I have an amusing flash game for diversion, as well as potentially life-saving knowledge. Ladies, Gentlemen, and People from Elmira, I present to you:

Pandemic 2!!!

That's right, folks, you create a disease, mutate, spread, and infect the world. I haven't actually played it, so I have no clue how it works exactly, but try it out and give me your opinion. Learn to think like Bird Flu, and maybe you have a chance!

You'll be drowning in laughter

No Lifeguard On Duty. Swim At Your Own Risk.


A helpful and informative sign. Usually associated with a swimming pool or a lake, and not a Blag...but okay.


Well, it is summertime, and Blagging Safety is of the utmost importance here at "Jeremy Is In The Office."


That's very thoughtful.


And elsewhere in the news this morning, Dancing Inmates! I think if this were to happen in the United States, some Lawyer would throw a fit claiming that it's cruel and unusual punishment against the rhythmically impaired. But you get to enjoy it!

Memo to Cousins?

License Plate: MEMA2CNZ. You get to tell me what it means!


Yeah, I don't get it either...


I'm sure it means something, but I can't imagine what. That's why I decided to let The Most Intelligent Readership In The World to take care of that. Your assignment today it to submit one or more suggestions as to what it could mean or stand for. It doesn't even much matter if it's right or not. Take a crack at it! It'll be fun!

So you want me to give you up?

“Don’t Rick-Roll my wedding.” - My Sister


That wouldn't be very nice...how would you go about that anyway?


So, first of all, I'd like to congratulate my sister and her former fiancee, now husband, on their wedding this past weekend.

Probably the only quirk of the wedding reception was the addition of karaoke. My sister and some of her friends sing karaoke in various places on occasion, and she thought it would be fun to have a couple people do their own singing towards the end of the reception. All in all, it worked out quite well. Prior to the wedding, we're all sitting around at home discussing the upcoming activities, and I commented that it would be amusing for somebody to sing "Never Gonna Give You Up," effectively Rick Rolling the reception. I was told in no uncertain terms that I was not to do this.


And then you did?


I most certainly did not! It didn't happen, and for some reason, it became my fault that it didn't...at least in the eyes of several of the bridesmaids.


So what did you sing?


I sang nothing. I take a certain measure of pride in being able to say that I've never sung karaoke...in this hemisphere.


Alright then...so elsewhere in the news this morning...


McDonald's is running a singing contest of their own. Too low on cash, apparently, to hire their own jingle producer, they're sponsoring a contest, hosted on A "Myspace" Page (Yes, it's real...the McDonald's corporate website links to the Myspace) to come up with the new Big Mac jingle. They call it a chant, but okay. The winner gets their jingle on MTV. OOOoooo.


Not quite as lame as some of the prizes you give away on the Blag, I guess.


Here's the rub. One of the 5 finalists in the contest served 12 years in prison, for....wait for it....Robbing A McDonald's! Good job everyone!

Fooled You!

Hi everybody! Jeremy here.

If you're reading this, you may or may not be aware that "Jeremy Is In The Office" has actually been Out Of The Office for the past two days, but continued posting as part of a mildly elaborate ruse to surprise a family member.

By the time you read this, the surprise will be over, so I can now announce that The Blag You Know And Love will be on Vacation starting Wednesday, and will return on monday with all new Sametime Status Messages and edutainment.

In the meantime, please enjoy this funny prank involving a guy eating the floor:

...and then you get hit by a Blue Shell...

It's called a road, it's called The Rainbow Road. It is a road that you go.


Uhm...right. What?


I'm not entirely sure why this exists, but it does. So the best I can do for you today is point you to the source and have you all draw your own conclusions.


Alright then, what's the source?


First, some background info. Anyone who's spent a significant amount of time (Greater than 3 hours) playing Mario Kart on any one of a number of Nintendo Platforms has exhausted their knowledge of profanity while playing a course called "Rainbow Road." It's the Mario Kart equivalent of the "Boss" at the end of a video game that's ridiculously hard to beat, and right about the fifth time one of the turbo boosts launches you right over the side of the course, to fall helplessly into the night sky, your friends and family start to wonder why all of your creativity went into finding all of these new combinations of curses instead of curing cancer.

Well, some guy took The Jimmy Buffett Approach, and wrote a song about it instead. It's not all that hard, considering Nintendo already did half the chore and provided the music right along with the game, so all you need is lyrics, video editing software, and some reasonable singing skill.


Well, two out of three ain't bad...if you give him the benefit of the doubt and call those lyrics. Yikes...


So there you have it. I'm not clear, exactly, on what "it" is, but...yeah. To make up for it, here's a related comic from Randall Munroe's whimsical webcomic xkcd.

Another 2 Hours Adam Sandler Owes Me

Don't Mess With Don't Mess With The Zohan


Welcome to anotherfun-filled edition of "Jeremy Is In The Theatre"


Indeed. This was how I spent my night last night, and it pales woefully to the regret with which I'll be spending the next week of my life, ruing the fact that I spent last night watching this horrendous pile of crap.


Kinda reminds me of all the hours these lovely people have spent reading this Blag.


While the entertainment values may be similarly low, at least I don't post repeated pictures of Adam Sandler's butt (fish wedged in between the cheeks or otherwise), pretend either Rob Schneider or Michael Buffer can act, or make any attempt to turn repeated references to hummus into a joke. Here's a hint, Hollywood...it doesn't work!


I don't know...people may like gratuitous pictures of hot Chick Peas...


The "feelm" did have two saving graces. First, and I'm not entirely how they pulled this off because I believe it's in his contract, but this is actually an Adam Sandler movie where Rob Schneider does not utter the phrase, "You can DO it!" By the way, that may or may not be a spoiler...if it is, and you actually care that I ruined that aspect of the movie for you, seek professional help.

Secondly, I'm amused by cameos for some reason. One of my favourite movies of all time is "The Player," which starred Tim Robbins, Gretta Scacchi, and basically the rest of Hollywood in mostly one-off cameo roles. Zohan does treat us to multiple, sometimes amusing cameo roles from people in multiple forms of entertainment. Look for John McEnroe, in particular.

At least Mariah Carey is better in this movie than she is at throwing out Ceremonial First Pitches:

It's the gift that keeps on giving

For just 39 cents a day, YOU can teach one American Beauty Queen to walk.


Some days, I don't think I do quite enough for charity. Is this something that can help me put my mind at ease?


Absolutely. You probably remember this tragic scene from the ill-fated Miss Universe pageant in 2007:

Well, as much as you might think that this is an isolated incident, it's not. American Beauty Queens are falling all over the world every day. It's not the floors, it's not the evening gowns...it's the fact that they grow up without proper education in things like walking and geography, since their schools don't have maps:

So if you call right now, and add your pledge of 39 cents a day, you can change the life of one American Beauty Queen by giving her a sandwich, clean water, and rubber-soled shoes. Jeremy Is In The Office is one of the most respected charities in the world, with nearly 100% of the proceeds going directly to the people who need it most.

If you call right now, YOU can prevent another horrible incident like this tragic scene from the ill-fated 2008 Miss Universe Pageant:



So what are you waiting for? Why don't you pick up the phone and call 1-631-960-7171 today? Why don't you do it...right now?

Maybe it was a classic

Today's Sametime Status wasn't funny anyway, so you're not missing much.


Uhm...so what was it?


Actually, I don't remember. Normally, I keep a couple weeks worth of Great Sametime Status Messages in reserve, and often ad-lib one on any given day if something going on in the world strikes me as amusing...such as my brand new washing machine being hooked up backwards. In today's case, I have my usual stable of pending Messages, but I thought of something this morning and said, "That would make a good Sametime Status today."

Over the course of my morning routine, I forgot what it was.


Seems pretty typical for a monday morning.


So instead, you get a Sametime Status about forgetting what my Sametime Status was. In the words of the Great Mitch Hedberg:

• "I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny."

Snowballs have a good chance if these people did the thermostat install...

Deceptively Difficult Concept of the Day: Water Pipe coming out of the GROUND = Cold Water; Water Pipe coming out of the BOILER = Hot Water


Oh boy...sounds like a rant coming up. Should I prepare the court papers?


Unlike previous rants about Certain Useless Package delivery Services who shall remain nameless, I've decided to leave out the name of this week's Idiotic Large Faceless Atomatonic Coropration, choosing simply to refer to them by the completely fabricated name, "High's."


Yeah...good idea. Nobody will figure THAT out...


So not long ago, I bought a washing machine. It was at least fairly exciting, because I don't often buy major appliances, and to be once and for all rid of the days of coin-operated laundry facilities was a pretty liberating experience. Since I had a discount to "High's" Home Improvement store, I decided to get my machines there...they also have commercials you may have seen on the TV advertising free next-day delivery, install, and removal of old appliances. All of this pointed me in their direction.


Not a bad intro, and the hook seems to have worked at least fairly well...this may be your most well-constructed rant ever.


Issue 1: I purchase the washer and dryer on a Tuesday, and the "Next Day" delivery was scheduled for the following monday. 6 days apparently equals 1 in the minds of "High's" employees.

Issue 2: The delivery isn't exactly "Free." You pay a delivery/install fee, then have to submit a rebate form to get the amount refunded to you in the form of a "High's" gift card to be used in the store. They're getting your money one way or the other.

Issue 3: They call on monday to schedule the deliver from "7 to 11." Not a problem, since I assume they mean 7PM to 11PM. Right around midnight is when I realized that 12AM seems like a strange time to be delivering appliances, so I go to bed and wait for 7AM on Tuesday...assuming that's what they meant, and I just got it wrong.

Issue 4: 11AM on Tuesday rolls around with nary a sign of my merchandise. I call up the store and ask where my stuff is, and their helpful reply is, "Yeah, they didn't make it out there last night." He offers to reschedule the delivery for 2 1/2 weeks later. After having a pleasant chat with the store manager, I get the delivery changed to later that day...from "5 to 8PM." (I clarified the PM part this time)

Issue 5: 8:30PM on Tuesday rolls around with nary a sign of my merchandise. I call up the store and ask where my stuff is, and their helpful reply is, "Yeah, the truck's not back yet, so they must be running late." I have another pleasant chat with the store manager explaining that if my washer and dryer aren't in my place by 9:30PM they really should not bother delivering them at all. 9:05PM, the truck rolls into the driveway. YAY!

Issue 6: Install goes smoothly and I'm blissfully doing laundry for a couple weeks before I notice something odd. Every time I do a load in "Cold" water, the boiler turns on. Thinking this is a little strange, I verify that I did in fact use the "Cold" cycle on the washer...it's a new appliance, so maybe I'm not familiar with the settings. Or maybe THEY HOOKED UP THE FREAKIN' HOSES BACKWARDS! That's right, kids...after personally showing the installers which water line was hot and which was cold, these two Captain's of Industry proceeded to hook the Hot water hose up to the cold pipe and the Cold water pipe to the boiler. I'm not even going to bother calling them up to complain, even though some of my clothes may now be shrunken. I'll just switch the hoses and start washing my colors in cold water from now on.


Or you could screw with your friends and do all your color clothes in "Hot" wafer and your whites in "Cold"!


Yeah, that would impress basically nobody.


There's nothing more impressive than a guy who can properly do his own laundry.


What about a guy who can properly hook up a washing machine?

Precision is overrated

Everything is vague to a degree you do not realize till you have tried to make it precise. – Bertrand Russel


I guess such is the life of an engineer.


Indeed.


So...uhm. I'm assuming you have something else for us?


As a matter of fact I do. I found an interesting online quiz that I really wanted to share with you. Special note, this quiz is not for the coulrophobics among The Most Intelligent Readership In The World...and I know there's at least one.

Mental Floss has put together a picture quiz of Don Cherry suits and Clown costumes. They blacked out the face, so all you have to do is look at the outfit, and select "Don Cherry" or "Clown." It's as simple as that. I got a score of 100%, as you might expect...but a couple of them are harder than they really should be. So everybody GO TAKE THE QUIZ NOW, then come right back and tell me how you did.

Good luck everyone!

This Post May Save Your Life

A protocol to be a Rocawear model? It didn't really drop that way, my legs hit the hurdle. A protocol to be a rocker on a label? It didn't really drop that way, our beats were too evil.


Oh man...those are some tight lyrics! Where did you find that?


These are lyrics to Sri Lankan singer/rapper M.I.A.'s smash hit "Bird Flu."


It's about time somebody wrote a song to raise awareness of this horrible disease.


Indeed. Apparently, on her blog, M.I.A. said that she named the song "Bird Flu" because "This beat gon kill everyone!!"


Good a reason as any, I guess.


Now, I'd like to invite each of the members of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World to Watch The Video for this song, including chickens clucking, appreciate the deeper, almost spiritual meaning, and share it with everyone you know or care about. And just try to keep that beat out of your head the rest of the day.


This Public Service brought to you by "Jeremy Is In The Office."


In addition, I'd like to make you all aware of a potential conspiracy going on in other parts of the world that will affect your lives soon, and possibly forever.


Indonesia seeks to shut Navy lab researching avian flu.

This article from the Los Angeles Times details how state officials in Indonesia are trying to shut down a United States military research lab. This by itself isn't so much of a problem, but the lab is specifically researching mutations of the H5N1 virus. That's right...they're researching how to prevent Bird Flu from killing us all, and the Indonesian Government wants to shut it down! Now, I'm not one to start spouting off about conspiracy theories, but look at the facts here:

The Indonesian Health Minister was told directly by the president to, "shut it if I think it's [of] no use." Why would research for a potential cure for Bird Flu be
of no use? It's clear that the Indonesian government already HAS a cure for Bird Flu and is keeping it a secret from the rest of the world. There is a potential Biological War about to happen, and nobody is doing anything about it. So, email your congressperson and tell them to stop Indonesia before it's too late!

...and Chumpettes

70% of the planet's surface is water! Yeah? But the remaining 30%? THIRSTY CHUMPS.


Now that you mention it, I am feeling a bit parched.


Today's Sametime Status comes courtesy of the great Ryan North, and his whimsical webcomic Dinosaur Comics. This particular phrase just cracked me right up for no apparent reason, so I decided to share it with you today.


This episode is especially great because Utahraptor totally screws up T-Rex's perception of reality with his insightful and witty comment.

Yummy cabbage

Look! I got you a cabbage to snack on!


As much as I like cabbage...


Yeah, I know. That's pretty much the point. Today's Sametime Status is a great line from the new motion picture (Read: long cartoon) "Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs," available now on DVD and BluRay.


Yeah, nice try. It's not available on BluRay.


Turns out that doesn't matter anyway, since I don't have a BluRay player. It all works out.


So anyway...about the movie?


Yeah, it's the second installment in the Futurama extended, "Feature-Length" episode series which will eventually be broken down into individual episodes to be aired on Comedy Central. Unlike the first in the series, "Bender's Big Score," this one pretty well tanks. There were a handful of really funny moments, such as Bender making a deal with the Robot Devil involving his first-born that you really have to see to appreciate, but for the most part, the plot was thin and the action too spread among the main characters to really get involved with any one or two of them. There are enough Bender quotes and Zapp Brannigan/Kif interactions to keep you entertained, however.


Well, this is good, helpful information, Jeremy. Thank you for this.


You're welcome.


I think the only thing that could make today's Blag better would be roller-skating ninjas chasing a guy in a three-wheeled car.


In that case:

It would be nice to know in advance

Am I unpatriotic if I think that Lee Greenwood’s song is lousy?


Short answer "yes," long answer "no" with a "but..."


So it's that time of year again! We take a day off of work to eat ridiculous amounts of unhealthy foods (never ask what Hot Dogs are made of), sit around watching parades of emergency and military vehicles drive down a street, drink a little bit, and celebrate the day by shooting explosives into the air. Everything that makes us Americans!


I think you're exaggerating for dramatic effect a little.


Maybe I am...but it's 4th of July...Independence Day...and I'd like every member of the Most Intelligent Readership In The World to celebrate America in a slightly different way that's actually MORE patriotic than singing "Yankee Doodle". Ride a bike. Plant a tree. Buy an American-Made product (Hint, don't go to Wal-Mart if you intend to pull this one off)...especially a larger ticket item like a car or a refrigerator. And for the love of all things good and plenty, turn off the radio when friggin' Lee Greenwood comes on...and he will.


What's wrong with "God Bless The U.S.A.?


It's a crappy song! The problem is that little patriotic gestures are considered more American than anything that can truly help America. So pretending a song is good simply because it's "Patriotic" (Also see Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Red, White, and Blue") and condemning people as un-American for not liking it is the way things end up being...because it's easier. And after all, isn't THAT the real American Way?


I'll wave a flag for you.


No need...I already have one. It was made in America.


Special Note: Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the Office tomorrow, returning on monday. Have a safe and explosive Independence Day, everyone!

Revenge of the Toaster

Like most accidents, Toaster Fires are only funny until they happen to you.


AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! You set the toaster on fire!!!


More realistic to say there was a small incident involving The Famed Toaster of Hades, my bagel, and a very small flame.


In other words...you set the toaster on fire.


I'm not even 100% sure how it happened...I put my bagel in the toaster like always...but it apparently got caught on something, folded in half, causing it to touch the top heating element, and temporarily ignite.


BURST INTO FLAME!!!


There were flames, yes...but they were maybe an inch high.


A Raging Inferno of Fiery Death!


Okay, it really wasn't as bad as all that...it had a cute little flame which soon burned itself out and left me with a charred but still at least marginally edible bagel.


Please tell me you didn't eat the thing.


I did not eat the charred bagel...I got a new one, which was sad because the one that reached an untimely end was the last "Everything" bagel in the cafeteria.


Maybe you shouldn't have torched it then!

Is YOURS?

This is a Very Super-Duper Ultra Uber X-treme Totally All-Encompassingly Low Emissions Sametime Status


That's very environmentally conscious of you, Jeremy. Thank you for that.


It's my pleasure to bring you all the best in Earth-Friendly Edutainment.

In this particular case, not long ago, I saw my first "Super Ultra Low Emissions Vehicle" or SULEV. The fact that it was Super AND Ultra really got my attention. I mean, really...something that is "Ultra" is already pushed to an extreme, and to be Super past that?! Holy crap, it must be good. I believe at that point, it is emitting nothing but pure rain forest.


That really seems to be the best explanation.


I took it upon myself to find out just how many superlatives there are to describe the emissions of cars, and just how much more ridiculous the constructs of them can get. As it turns out, the SULEV is probably the stupidest one. Here's the official list, since if it's on Wikipedia, you KNOW it's true:

• TLEV: Transitional Low Emission Vehicle.
  
• LEV: Low Emission Vehicle.
  
• ULEV: Ultra Low Emission Vehicle.
  
• SULEV: Super Ultra Low Emission Vehicle.
  
• PZEV: Partial Zero Emission Vehicle.
  
• AT PZEV: Advanced Technology Partial Zero Emission Vehicle.
  
• ZEV: Zero Emission Vehicle.

I feel well informed now. I'm going to go out today and buy a new AT PZEV. It sounds cool.