Schlock at its finest

"I hear a mountain lion! I gotta get back to my house" – Birdemic: Shock and Terror


Grab your popcorn box and your barf bag...just be careful not to confuse the two...Jeremy's got you a front-row seat to the Film Event of yesterday. A Film you won't forget seeing, but will regret seeing for the rest of your life.


So, I don't discriminate when it comes to movies. Sure, if it involves Nicolas Cage, it's automatically trash (BTW: Take THIS QUIZ when you get a spare couple of minutes), but I don't automatically discount films because they don't fit into the stereotypical cultural standard of "Good." I own a copy of "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and I've seen "Battlefield Earth" at least 4 times. I readily admit these facts because I love these movies not in spite of how bad they are, but BECAUSE of how bad they are.

Into the pantheon of stupefyingly bad movies comes a new entry I was made aware of not long ago. Through the magic of "Internet Flickershows," I was able to get my hands on the DVD and share it with some of my friends, who no longer answer my emails, IM's, texts, or phone calls for some reason. I delighted everyone with a screening of "Director" James Nyguen's 2008 masterpiece, "Birdemic: Shock and Horror". Since I don't have all day, I can't list everything that was wrong with this movie...but I'll give you just a fleeting glance of it:

• CGI = Clipart
  
• The guy drives a Mustang (said to be a plug-in hybrid version which has never existed), but never seems to be able to get the thing above 5MPH.
  
• "Fashion Model" goes from taking pictures in a strip-mall grocery store to a Victoria's Secret cover in one phone call.
  
• The guy walks like he's duct-taped to a pole.
  
• Worst Sound Editing ever. The sound cuts in and out, doesn't match the action, changes levels in every scene, and a scene filmed on a beach is unintelligible due to wind noise that makes it seem like the scene was shot in a hurricane.
  
• Worst Dialog Ever.
  
• Old guy is guarding a bridge that nobody would ever walk across...because there's nothing on the other side.
  
• A Lawless Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland would have less traffic.
  
• About the third time you stop your car to help people and one of your party died, you'd quit stopping...unless...
  
• Where exactly were they driving? It's never really revealed what their grand plan was, except to drive somewhere in a POS van despite the fact that everyone that they stopped to help who ended up dead drove better cars.
  
• Birds can either splatter on a windshield, spew toxic yellow sludge on people, or explode violently (seriously...we're talking smoke and fire and everything) with no explanation how they developed these talents.
  
• Coat Hangars make great weapons against a bird attack. So much so that you can Buy Your Own!
  
• At least it's good to know that Lawless Post-Apocalyptic Wastelands still accept credit cards.
  
• Nobody anywhere knows why the birds stopped attacking. Seriously...this isn't a spoiler...nobody gets it!

I'm guessing the reason that nobody knows why the birds stopped attacking is because (and I really wish I were making this up) the director was setting up for the sequel: Birdemic II: The Resurrection 3D!!! Coming this summer to...uhm...hopefully a theatre as far away from you as possible.
This has been another edition of Jeremy Is In The Theatre