Don't think about elephants, either.

Whatever you do, don’t read today’s Status.


Well...it's a bit late for that now, isn't it?


So it would seem. It is not, however, too late to save yourself from the following. Whatever you do, don't watch this video:




Oh my God....that is just...


Do you ever listen to me?


Generally, no.

NEVER!!!

I am not and never have been in denial. No!


That can't be true....or can it?


Well, I'm not sure. You'd have to ask the source. Today's source is the whimsical comic/actor Christopher Titus. Titus makes another appearance in Jeremy's Sametime Status, being a pretty reliable source of Status material. In fact, I recently saw his newest stand-up act, "The 5th Annual End Of The world Tour" which should also be rife with good quotes. You'll probably see him again.

Regardless, today's status comes from Titus's one-man show "Normal Rockwell is Bleeding" in which he somehow manages to turn some very dark memories and stories into a comedy act. Things like falling drunk into a bonfire, mental illness, DUI, family suicide become a comic goldmine in a pretty amazing demonstration.


Yeah....you can't even turn funny things into comedy.


Right. So allow me to introduce you to Mr. Titus and show you all part of "Normal Rockwell is Bleeding." Enjoy!

It's strong....big surprise.

Did you watch the State of the Union Address last night? Me either.


Yeah...I was washing my hair. Or something.


Well...I don't want to spoil anything for those who Tivo'ed it, but I'm guessing there were mentions of Iran, Iraq, "Nucular" weapons, the economy, the housing market, and tax cuts. Every one of which was more optimistic than you'll hear anywhere else.


Well, this is to be expected.


Of course. Now...this may have been more useful yesterday, before everyone watched the President talk, but for the Tivo users among you, here's a link to the moderately official State Of The Union Drinking Game. Looking over this list, I'm thinking if anyone played this, they'd be passed out on the floor by the 35th time only one half of congress stood up to clap for 2 minutes.


By the way...I understand today is somewhat special.


Indeed it is. Today marks the 100th post in "Jeremy Is In The Office" history. It's not quite as special as The Simpsons 100th episode, but it's a close second.


Depends on your definition of close.


So thank you to all the loyal readers out there...


...Imaginary or otherwise...


And please enjoy the next 100 episodes.

monday Status

WwOoOlLf


This is just sheer laziness on your part.


Yes and no. I do still have a handful of these silly little letter/number puzzles that I can use as Statuses, and today seemed as good a day as any to run one.


So what's it mean?


Well that's up to you to figure out, isn't it?


Alright...so what happens if and when I do?


You'll win a copy of the "Jeremy Is In The Office" Home Game! You'll be able to print today's Status on a square piece of paper (Or a standard 8-1/2x11" and trim to form) and create your very own X-Wing fighter!


Good luck everyone!

"Communicating"

When driving at night, it doesn’t do you any good to flip somebody the bird if you’re wearing black gloves.


Bit of road rage?


I wouldn't call it "Road Rage" as such. Funny story, actually...not funny "Ha Ha," but...it was a Tuesday...


Story time!


I actually don't remember if it was a Tuesday, but that's how the quote goes. So last week, I'm driving through the Village in a snow storm, and some moran decides he can cut me off, coming a whole lot closer to an accident than either of us really wanted. Now, different people have Different Ways of dealing with stupid drivers. I chose the "Honk the horn and give him the finger" method. Herein lies the problem:

It's winter, which means it's cold, and I'm driving with black gloves on. Combine that with driving at night (when it's dark), and there is no possible way the moran driver saw my gesture. In essence it was a completely wasted effort on my part, but at least it was a bit therapeutic.

Out of a possible 200...

At my current rate of improvement, I should be scoring 361 points at trivia tonight.


I love these Statuses where you pretend to be smart.


I do too...they amuse me.


So how did you arrive at this conclusion?


Well...the first week I went, I contributed a total of one point to the team. That is, I knew one point's worth of questions that nobody else at the table did. I actually lamented that knowledge in a later Blag entry.


Oh yeah....useless knowledge of horrible movies. Did that come into play again?


In fact it did. I was the only person last week to have seen the movie "Good Burger." I'm not proud of this fact. Either way, by the end of the night, assuming that somebody else would have remembered that Bret Hull ended his career with the Detroit Red Wings, I contributed a total of 19 points to the team's score. That's a 1900% improvement.


Or 18 points...


So, assuming another 19x improvement, and I'll be up to 361 tonight.


Or 37...


Why do you have to rain on my parade?


It's what I do. By the by...what was yesterday's answer?


Oh yeah..."3S7A2F9E1T7Y9" is "Safety In Numbers."

Vision Test

3S7A2F9E1T7Y9


Am I applying for a driver's license or something?


No. Today's Status is part of a series of word/number games that at one point I thought might make a good Theme Week...but decided against it. So, every now and again, you may see one of these laying around. Feel free to answer it, but there won't be any prizes given, nor will you earn an official set of coveted Jeremy Is In The Office Bragging Rights.


What if I don't feel like answering it and just want to know what it means?


I guess I can post the answer tomorrow if nobody figures it out. I'm good like that.


We appreciate it.

Walking the Line

Johnny Cash is NOT HOCKEY MUSIC!!!


But...he's been everywhere.


Great. So, the Holy Grail of musicians who have decided to completely sell out is the sports anthem. The completely universal song that everybody knows and can somehow sing along to or participate in, but nobody actually likes. Really...why bother creating a good song when you can come up with a crappy song that has a little catch that can be used by 20,000 people almost instantly? For example, "Song 2" by Blur, in which the entire crowd can all yell "WOO-HOO!" in time with the music. Also, the Gary Glitter classic "Rock and Roll Part 2" has a built in "HEY!" that everyone can participate in. The list just goes on..."Whoomp There It Is," "We Will Rock You," whatever that obnoxious guitar+singing call and response thing is that some teams have started using..."Kernkraft 400"...but I digress.


I think you just gave me the Folsom River Blues.


Interesting. Anyway, the point is, Johnny cash never sold out and created a sports anthem, but one of his songs has been used by at least two teams that I'm aware of now, and I'm putting out this Internet Petition to get it to stop.


Better be careful, or you'll end up In The Jailhouse Now.


I was watching the Los Angeles Kings game last week...


Ah, yes...the Man in Black


Will you stop that?!


Sorry...carry on.


They were playing the Calgary Flames...and right at the end of the game, something terrible happened. The sound system in the arena began playing jaunty mariachi trumpets. Yes...it happened. Ladies, Gentlemen, and people from Elmira...the DJ at the Pengrowth Saddledome played "Ring of Fire" as a win celebration song.


Well...they ARE the flames.


Which is the only thing that makes it slightly more acceptable than the Manhattanville Valiants playing it at their home games, but I stand by my original statement. Johnny Cash is NOT HOCKEY MUSIC!


I think I Understand Your Man.

I give up.

Arizona Bound!!!

The New England Patriots and New York Giants have won the right to lose to commercials in two weeks. Congratulations!


So that's who won yesterday? I wasn't watching.


Indeed it is. Those two teams now have the honor of playing against each other in the Super Bowl...a game watched by millions of people who are only waiting for the commercials and halftime show.


Tom Petty?


Okay...bad example. Maybe he'll play "Saving Grace" which is not only a good song, but probably the most apropos thing he could possibly do for this game.


So how's about that contest?


Oh yeah...almost forgot.


That's roughly impossible, since I reminded you.


Just an expression. Anyway, last week's winner, with a final score of 2, count 'em TWO correct answers was WILLIE! Congratulations, Willie. You've won the satisfaction of knowing you did your best, an official set of "Jeremy Is In The Office" Bragging Rights until the next Theme Week, and the "Jeremy Is In The Office" Home Game. (Write today's status message on a piece of paper, and it becomes hundreds of toys in one.)


The correct answer to Jonathan Toews is as follows:
JAWN ah thin TAYVS

Here is Mr. Toews in action, humiliating the entire Colorado Avalanche defense on his way to a goal.

Theme Week, Part Five!

Jeremy's Status Message Proudly Presents:
Know Your NHL Stars Week! Phonetically spell the following hockey player’s name: Jonathan Toews (C – Chicago Blackhawks)


Two Blackhawks in one Theme Week? That's not right.


I know, I know...it just worked out that way. And believe it or not, it caused me more trouble than just a credibility issue.


How so?


Well, as you can see from the past days, I've been posting an exciting video of each player on the day the answer is revealed.


Strangely enough, I picked up on that.


Well, there's a great video about Dustin Byfuglien from yesterday, scoring his first NHL hat trick (That means he scored 3 goals in one game, Jeremy), but that clip also makes reference to Jonathan Toews, so somebody who's paying attention would be able to cheat and get today's answer right. Can't have that.


Of course not....what's the link to that video again?


Nice try.


Worth a shot. Speaking of yesterday's player...what's the answer?


Yesterday's was a tough one, both in name and hockey player. In fact, the name is very much like "TUFF" in pronunciation. The answer we were looking for is:
DUSS tin BUFF lin


There seem to be some letters missing.


You'd think so...and I'm not entirely sure how you get "BUFF lin" out of Byfuglien, but that's how it's done...as seen here, firing a rocket from the left point:

Theme Week, Part Four!

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents:
Know Your NHL Stars Week! Phonetically spell the following hockey player’s name: Dustin Byfuglien (D – Chicago Blackhawks)


That one's pretty interesting. I have an idea...


I'm sure you do. We'll see over the course of the day how many other people have an idea. It'll be fun!


So yesterday's was a trick question, right?


Somewhat. The trick was understanding the French-Canadian pronunciation of Roy, despite the fact that Andre was born right here in the good ol' USA. Much like retired goaltender Patrick Roy, Andre's last name is pronounced with an AH sound instead of an OI sound, so the correct answer would be:
ON dray r'WAH

Andre Roy is a type of player known as an Enforcer. These are the tougher players who don't have the hockey skills of the top echelon players, but are bigger and more physical. Enforcers ensure that the game is played on their team's terms, and the opposition doesn't start taking cheap shots at their team's best players. Hockey purists will point out the subtle differences between an Enforcer and a Goon, but we'll skip that here and just point out that in addition to the Lightning, Andre Roy has played for the Bruins, Senators, and Penguins in his 10 year NHL career, amassing 1055 Penalty minutes and one Stanley Cup.

Here is Mr. Roy in action, doing what he does best against Andrew Peters (coincidentally, doing what he does best):

Theme Week, Part Three!

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents:
Know Your NHL Stars Week! Phonetically spell the following hockey player’s name: Andre Roy (RW – Tampa Bay Lightning)


I thought you said these were getting harder?


Yes, I did....and if yesterday's results are any indication, I was correct.


Yesterday's looked pretty easy too...


Right, so it may surprise you that of all the entries received, precisely zero of them were correct. Because of that, the game is still wide open, so those of you who haven't played yet, jump on in!


Wait....nobody got yesterday's right?


That's right. Sabres Defenseman Toni Lydman, while not a "star" in the typical sense, is a solid defensive player who has played for both the Calgary Flames and Buffalo Sabres in his career. The Finland native has a total of 140 NHL points since joining the Flames in the 2000-2001 season.


Terrific. How do you pronounce his name?


As you can see in the following clip from Boston, his name is pronounced:
TOE nee LUDE min

Here is Mr. Lydman in action, getting wrecked in a fight with the Bruins' Brad Boyes:

Theme Week, Part Two!

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents:
Know Your NHL Stars Week! Phonetically spell the following hockey player’s name: Toni Lydman (D – Buffalo Sabres)


No problem.


You're right. This week's contest is an easy and fun one to participate in. If you're not sure...take a guess! Who knows?


So why are you doing this anyway?


This contest is to show that the most intelligent readership in the world can appreciate and enjoy a hockey game. It also goes to show the rest of the world that not all hockey fans are like the following stereotypical impression brought to you by the Arrogant Worms:




That's somewhat catchy...


So...today's task is listed above...so let's move on to yesterday's.

Keith Tkachuk is about as close to a household name when it comes to American hockey as it gets. He has been one of the NHL’s premier power forwards since bursting onto the scene with a 51-point rookie campaign with the Winnipeg Jets (Later Phoenix Coyotes) back in 1992. Prior to the current season, Tkachuk had accumulated 926 points (Goals + Assists) in his 976 game NHL career. In addition, Tkachuk has represented the United States in the Olympic Games 4 times, winning the Silver medal in 2002, as well as having 2 appearances in the World Cup of Hockey, claiming Gold in 1996.

I'll actually accept two slightly different pronunciations for his name, however. They are as follows:

KEETH ka CHUCK
KEETH ka CHOOK (With OO as in Book, not Food)

Here is Mr. Tkachuk in action, scoring an easy goal off a sweet centering pass from Bill Guerin.



Congratulations to those who got it right, and good luck on today's quiz.

Theme Week, Part One!

Jeremy's Sametime Status proudly presents:
Know Your NHL Stars Week! Phonetically spell the following hockey player’s name: Keith Tkachuk (LW – St. Louis Blues)


Ooo! It's contest time!


Right you are! This week, we dive into the wonderful world of NHL hockey and take a closer look at some of the NHL's biggest stars...or at the very least some of the best names.

Some people may think that hockey is a primitive, violent sport with little to no redeeming value. These people couldn't be more wrong. For those who think the game has gotten too violent and out of control, and haven't seen a game in a while, let me clear a few things up. Yes, fighting is still, technically, allowed with usually a simple 5-minute penalty assessed to both players. However, fighting is not what it used to be, nor is it what it's portrayed as in The Movies. Here's an example of a typical NHL-style in-game fight. Please note, viewer discretion is advised, as this video contains graphic violence and (for some unknown reason) "Scatman."




Wow. I had no idea. Thank you for educating me.


You're quite welcome. Now....on with the contest.


Here's how you play:


Submit a phonetic spelling of that day's player name (First and Last) to me between the time it is posted, and 8AM the following day. Submissions are accepted via sametime, email, or Blag Comment. Only one entry per person per day will be allowed, so pressing that little "send" button constitutes your saying "This is my final answer." Answers will be posted the following day. Winners will be announced at the end of the contest.


What do I get if I win?


The winner will receive the satisfaction of knowing they did their best, along with an official set of "Jeremy Is In The Office" Theme Week Bragging Rights.


Who is eligible to participate?


Pretty much anyone who reads the Sametime Status or the Blag is eligible, except those who have already been notified, or anyone who subscribes to the "Center Ice" Digital Cable package in their home. Imaginary alter-personas of the Blag Author are also ineligible.


Drat.


Sorry. So....ready to get going? To get things started off on the right foot, here's what we're looking for. As an example, we'll use one of my personal favourite players, Los Angeles Kings Defenseman Lubomir Visnovsky:

LOO bo meer vish NOFF skee

As you can see, using actual pronunciation symbols is not required, as long as I get the idea of what you're trying to say. Also, accented syllables count, so be sure to capitalize those, or put the accent mark with it.


I think I'm with it. So let's go!


Right! Today's player is one of the more famous and recognizable personas in the game, so many people have probably heard his name pronounced before. As usual with Theme Week contests, things will be getting tougher towards the end of the week. Good luck everyone!

You call it a fork...

I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself? - Frank Zappa


HAHAHAA....That nutty Frank Zappa.


Yeah...and as nutty as he is, you have to acknowledge that he has a point.


How so?


Well, as you're well aware, we have safety labels on everything, from hairdryers that tell you not to use them in the shower, to McDonalds Coffee that says "Don't spill hot drinks on yourself. It will hurt." I can't help but think that some of these giant lawsuits for personal injuries could be avoided by just using a little common sense. Or by letting the gene pool filter itself out a little bit.

As Bobcat Goldthwait once said, "You call it a fork. I call it a toast extractor. Works great in the shower! I'm Bobcat Goldthwait for Natural Selection. It's only natural."


So, I understand there's a contest next week?


Indeed you do. Get out your thinking caps, scientific calculators, Rhyming Beck-tionaries, and string. A whole week full of Theme Week contest goodness.


What's it about?


You'll just have to come back monday morning to find out.

Strangely, the Raccoon won

Yesterday on "Springer," a raccoon got in a fight with an alligator because the raccoon was cheating with a dolphin. I'm actually not joking about that.


Wait...so, I can't think of a way you could possibly explain this.


That's pretty much it, really. Nothing to explain. Instead of coming onto the Springer show to curse and fight in normal clothing, 3 people came out dressed as animals to curse and fight. Apparently, they wear these costumes in their "normal" lives as well...apparently at the whim of the Raccoon, and is a point of contention with the Dolphin.


And the alligator is a more willing participant?


Well she was until she found out the Raccoon was cheating. Then it became a bit of an issue.


I guess that's a problem with daytime TV.


Sure is.

Bless me

ACHOOO!!!


Awwe. Feeling okay?


Not especially. I'm a little under the weather today. So I, along with the "Jeremy Is In The Office" Blag will be out of the office today.


Everyone at work is grateful. The rest of us, however....

It loads faster that way.

Attention passengers. The train on platform one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven and twelve has come in sideways.


That's umm...really....yeah.


I thought so to. I'm amused by it, and for that reason alone, it's worthy of being a Sametime Status.


Is that why we're all here? For your amusement?


Not at all. The statuses are here mostly for my amusement, but you're here for your amusement as well as my unique brand of edutainment.


I knew there had to be SOME reason.


Indeed. And today, I bring you a Marshmallow eating contest...with a twist.


Well. There that is.


By the way...just so you all know. Next week, we're planning an amusingly tricky Theme Week Quiz for fun and no prizes. Some people are not eligible to participate, and they have already been informed of such. So if I haven't disqualified you from the contest, feel free to participate and bring your friends. It's going to be grand!

No need to see that anymore

Spoiler Alert: Snape kills Trinity with Rosebud.


That's brilliant. Funny how he could cause so much trouble in three different movies.


Hardly the point. Today's message is from the whimsically brilliant webcomic xkcd. It combines all of the spoiler aspects of the Harry Potter series, The Matrix Trilogy, and Citizen Kane all in one. For the sake of those who haven't seen them, I won't tell you what Rosebud is...for some reason, I got in trouble in my film class in college for knowing that.


You've been good about not torturing us for a while now.


You're right. That needs to change. Here's a video from the "if I had to see this, so do you." category. Enjoy.

Voltron...Represent!

And in other news tonight, Voltron got totally served.


Yeah, going to need something here...


Today's message comes to you courtesy of Cartoon Network's "Robot Chicken," a whimsical stop-motion animated show for people with attention spans of 10 seconds or less.


That would explain why you watch it.


A typical episode of the show lasts only 15 minutes, but consists of at least a dozen completely unrelated sketches lasting from a few seconds to 2 or 3 minutes. One episode pits Voltron against some form of space mutant creature. Rather than explain it, I'll let you all See For Yourselves.


Interesting.


Another clip worth noting is the "World's Most One-Sided Fistfights Caught On Film." If only because it involves hockey.

6 is a Completely Unacceptable Temperature.

"OK, get a pencil, I'm about to solve global warming: Grass-flavored Tums. Done. Put a coat on." - Bucky Katt


What did you say? My ears are frozen.


Today's message comes to you courtesy of Bucky Katt, one of the lovable characters from the whimsical comic strip Get Fuzzy.

This strip from some time ago pits Bucky versus Global Warming when he hears that one of the largest contributors of greenhouse gasses is methane emissions from industrial beef farms. Apparently, this is actually true. So, your homework assignment today is to go home and eat a hamburger. It was 6 degrees (-14.5 C) this morning when I woke up.


Well, you know...


...Yes, I know that's not how global climate change works, but I've got to do something. I can't type this blag entry for the rest of the day, and if I stop, my fingers will freeze to the keyboard.


Would that really be a bad thing?

Happy New Year!!!

My 2008 Resolution: Fewer crappy Sametime Status Messages!


Not off to a great start. But, Happy New Year anyway.


Well, in this line of work, not all Statuses can be gold. I just wanted to let you, my adoring public, know that I'm going to strive to reduce my percentage of dreck messages by at least 1%.


Looking forward to it.


Also, I will continue to strive to provide you with the highest form of edutainment on as frequent a basis as possible. To that end, rather than bring you the story of Lindsay Lohan receiving a lifetime achievement award, or making any jokes about that (even the obvious ones), instead I'll provide you a link to the newest must-have invention.

Here it is, folks...The Tiddy Bear. Just be careful with the pronunciation when you ask for this is a birthday present.