It's on!

Bees need to learn that my retaining wall is not an appropriate place to nest.


Why not? It's shady and has a convenient stone overhang to protect them from weather.


Yes, but I don't want them there.


You don't own the world, you know.


True, but I do own the retaining wall. Therefore, I decide who gets to be there. So the ridiculously adorable baby deer that hung out by my front window a couple weeks ago was okay, but bees suck. I don't want them. So yesterday, as I set out from the driveway, I happened to notice a new nest being built under the ledge of my wall. This is crap. I went inside to grab the GOOD can of bee killer (I have this other can that's atrocious...I'd tell you what brand it is so you can avoid it, but I forget. I bought it at the purely fictitious "High's" Home Improvement Store if that helps) I then proceeded to vindictively spray the nest for a good while after all the bees had died.


Your life is a rich full oyster.


Tune in tomorrow for my adventures with my new dental floss. You're going to love it.

monday Fun!

Smart money’s on Jack LaLanne


You mean fitness expert and Juice Tiger spokesperson Jack Lalanne?


The very same.


And what are we betting on him to do?


Well...as you know, bad things tend to happen in 3s. It happened last week with the untimely passings of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson. Well, this week has started a new set of 3, with the shocking and untimely death of TV Pitch Man Billy Mays.

I've mentioned Billy in the Blag before, having been a valued customer of some form of Oxy-Clean product or another (It works remarkably well, by the way), and making light of Billy's loud, direct marketing techniques. Well, he will be marketing no more, as he was found dead in his home this past weekend. Also currently taking notice are fellow Infomercial superstars Ron Popeil, and Vince from Slap Chop.

I'm just about ready

Yes. We will Rumble wit’chu.


Oh yeah? You got nothin! Bring it on, tough guy!


Today is the seemingly annual Sametime Status plug for the Pottstown Rumble volleyball tournament in sunny Pottstown, Pennsylvania. I'll be there once again, and if you comb through the winners list from last year, you may see a couple names you recognize.


Kerri Walsh?


The Sametime Status itself is a quote from the Animaniacs short entitled "West Side Pigeons" in which the Goodfeathers re-enact "West Side Story" from a bird's point of view. The pigeons are challenged to a rumble against the sparrows and respond with the quote above.

So, good luck to everyone travelling to the Rumble this weekend, and I'll see everyone bright an early monday morning.

That's all I need?

It's time to venture far, let's take a trip to Mars. Our destiny is to the stars.


I always wondered what my destiny was. I always thought there was more to me than just insightful Blag commentary.


Well, Buzz Aldrin seems to agree. Today's Sametime Status comes to you courtesy of Buzz Aldrin's new rap song.


Excuse me?


Yeah...I said it. Buzz Aldrin put out a rap song, with help from Snoop Dogg. As is the case with everything in the Blag here, I'm not making this up.


You didn't make up the flaming salamander thing?


More important to note that I didn't make up the Buzz Aldrin rap song. In fact...I think I'll kill two birds with one stone. In order to educate and entertain The Most Intelligent Readership In The World...


Triple threat...this is also punishment...


I've decided to share with you, "Rocket Experience"

Please don't actually sue me

The first 500 fans 14 and under get a free lawsuit!


As your attorney, I must advise against this promotion.


Today's Sametime Status is brought to you courtesy of some jackhole lawyer whose name I won't even print here because he's a moron who doesn't deserve the sort of publicity that goes along with being in "Jeremy Is In The Office."

This article describes a recent class-action lawsuit brought against the Oakland Athletics baseball club alleging discrimination because a giveaway promotion for a Mothers Day weekend game in 2004 provided plaid bucket hats to women in the audience.

Apparently distressed that he didn't receive a hat (which personally...I think he would have been punched if he had been seen wearing a stupid-looking hat like this), this jerk decided to sue, which ended up costing the A's and Macy's (a co-sponsor of the giveaway) $500,000 in an out of court settlement. The real winner here isn't the guy who can now claim $100 in A's and Macy's discounts, or the people who actually got the hats which never saw the light of day again, but the lawyer who took home $20,000 in an "enhancement fee" for bringing the case forward.

If this was an isolated incident, it wouldn't be so bad. It would be bad, don't get me wrong...but it gets worse in the fact that this chucklehead makes a living out of this. He looks around for various promotions he can claim to be discriminatory, and sues. If anybody knows this guy, please smack him around with his new floppy hat. He's earned it.


Today's rant is the sole opinion of Jeremy and does not represent the views of "Jeremy Is In The Office" or Miracle Posting Inc.

Only two?

"In volleyball there are three hits, two of which are always yours." - D Kinda


That makes sense. This isn't the first Danny Kinda quote you've had on the Blag here.


Yep...so tonight is a big day in volleyball. The semifinals in one league and the finals in the other.

Unfortunately, I won't be sharing the results of the matches. If we win, I don't want to appear to be rubbing it in, and if we lose, I won't be eager to shout that from the rooftops. So, this is as good as it gets. Enjoy it, everyone!


And enjoy the rest of monday as well. Yeich...

How long can you tread water?

At this rate, July is going to have a ridiculous number of flowers


Why? How many flowers have you planted?


Well, I do have a couple things planted in a giant pot on my deck, but aside from that, nothing that I'm aware of.

I'm more making light of the wonderful Spring weather we've been having here lately. And by Spring, I mean a spring like Poland Spring or some mountain spring that does nothing but pour water all over the place.

Since "April Showers bring May Flowers," it just stands to reason that June showers would bring July Flowers. I for one am looking forward to it...it should be quite pretty.

Not quite on par with the skeleton joke, but still good

“Hey, I know a joke! A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, ‘I forgot to store acorns for the winter and now I am dead.’ Ha! It is funny because the squirrel gets dead.” - Dug


So apparently, you've seen the new Pixar movie Up.


Indeed. This is one of the better lines from the movie, spoken by Dug. I thought it was funny and said, "I'm using that for my Sametime Status tomorrow."

So here it is. Enjoy!

Bring back old and inferior!!!

Sometimes a new look means a new, crappier taste


So you've tried the new Baconnaise?


Sadly, I have not...though I know a few loyal readers would like to. I'm referring to Iced Tea made and bottled by a company we'll leave anonymous, that refers to itself as 2000 pounds of lips.

The adorably tiny cafeteria thing at work used to stock their iced tea in glass bottles. It was cool and delicious. In the last week, they've switched to having the same brand of tea, seemingly the same product, in a plastic bottle...and I have to say, I'm not impressed.


"This is a red wine glass. Can I have my water in a water glass?" You whine too much.


If it was actually even remotely the same tea, I wouldn't have an issue...but it's completely different. Bring back my former tea! I liked it!

"That's where I'm a viking!"

I either need to start remembering my dreams, or start waking up thinking that they wouldn’t make great screenplays


Chasing your dream of being a sitcom writer again, are you?


I don't think so. I'm pretty sure last night's was a drama. There was a plane crash involved, and a colorful pigeon owned by my sister, but much beyond that, I don't remember. All I do know is that it would have made for an awesome movie, and somebody totally needs to write it.


Get cracking, then.


Sadly, I can not. I think this edition of the whimsical webcomic xkcd puts it best:

Yum

Any recipe that begins with "One Leftover Turkey Carcass" can’t be very good


Reading up on Wile E. Coyote's cookbook again?


Sadly, no. I get recipes delivered to my email every now and again. I'm pretty sure I can count on one hand the number of times I've actually tried a recipe from that particular source directly (I think that's where the Oreo Cheesecake came from). Occasionally, I see the recipe, search for another version of it that's a little better, and try that one. Most often, however, I see that the recipes are a bunch of crap, delete the email and wait for next week's.

Last week, however...I was delighted to see a recipe for "Turkey Stock." I mean...you have no idea how long I've been looking for a good Turkey Stock recipe.


Well, American stocks have been doing pretty terribly lately. Maybe it would be a good idea to invest overseas.


The recipe includes standard ingredients like carrots, celery and garlic...but the first ingredient is "One Leftover Turkey Carcass." I often have wild turkeys cross the road where I live...so we can all rest assured that if I ever hit one with my car, it won't go to waste. I have a great new recipe to try out. I'll invite you over to try it.

Theme Week Part Cinq

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Back From France Week! There are 329 friggin’ steps to the top of the Cathedral of Strasbourg


Today's stop along the French tour is the lovely Cathédrale Notre-Dame de Strasbourg


One of the things to do in France is to climb steps to see places from the top of stuff. This hobby is very possible in Strasbourg, a town which is deceptively difficult to spell (I haven't gotten it right on the first try yet in this Blag Post), and also boasts 13th century Gothic cathedral.

Wanting to experience all that France has to offer, our tour group (4 people) climbed steps up to the top of the cathedral to see Strasbourg (Yep...screwed it up that time, too) from above. The stairwells seemed to go on forever, and most of it consisted of spiral staircases which made me a little dizzy. The end result was a great view from the top, a lot of nice pictures, and a pleasantly refreshing breeze blowing at that altitude.

On the way down, it was decided to count the number of steps...and after a brief disagreement around step #150, continued all the way to 329. Now you know.

Theme Week Part Quatre

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Back From France Week! The Literal Translation of "Picon" is: "I'm going to dump Orange stuff into your drink."


Ooo...tasty!


In certain circumstances, certainly. In beer, not so much.


Yeah...I was assuming a smoothie or something right there.


So we walked into a pub in Paris during Happy Hour and proceeded to order drinks off the specials menu. Having seen a couple quaffs I'd either seen or tried before, I decided to go with something new and different. After all, vacation is a time to try new things, right? Absorb yourself in new cultures and go for new experiences!


That can never go wrong. Except for the raw squid incident in Japan...


Well, I ordered a beer that was listed only as "Picon" on the menu, thinking that it was merely a brand I'd never heard of. The bartender proceeds to pour a substantial amount of syrupy liquid into a glass, then fill the remainder with a standard French beer. I ask what the syrup stuff was, and the reply was "an orange liqueur."

Yeah...not great. Of course, also not wanting to be "that guy" who orders something in a restaurant, then complains when it's not what he thought it was, I drank the thing anyway, and learned a valuable French lesson that I decided to share with you all today.

Theme Week Part Trois

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Back From France Week! In certain parts of France, Sauerkraut is an unparalleled delicacy


Not what I typically associate with French cuisine, but okay.


It's true! Parts of France were under German rule back in the days of some king statistically likely to be named Louis. In these areas, the German influence on language, architecture, and food is quite easily noticed.

I enjoyed a meal in this area consisting of Flammenkuchen and what was billed as a meat dish with sauerkraut. While the flammenkuchen is pizza-esque, the meat dish was more Sauerkraut-esque. Sure, there was meat involved, but it was akin to finding a meaty needle in a haystack of cabbage. Seriously...I'm not making this up. I ate more sauerkraut in that one meal than in an entire lifetime of Easter Kapusniak, and by the end of the meal, it looked like I had barely made a dent in the pile. Given the fact that this was very early on in our trip, I didn't speak much French, so I must not have been able to appropriately translate the sign for the sauerkraut dish announcing it as the French answer to The Old 96'er. Too bad, really...my whole group may have been able to eat for free. Sorry, guys.

Theme Week Part Deux

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Back From France Week! I’m now banned from all Grand Slam Tennis Tournaments


Way to go, Jeremy. Why couldn't you get yourself banned from NASCAR, or something else that you don't actually enjoy?


First of all, I'd have to go to a NASCAR event in order to be barred from returning. That said, the mullets and smell of cigarettes and spilled Budweiser everywhere would probably be enough of a deterrent on their own, I wouldn't need the help of security.

In the case of my vacation, one of the events on the trip was a stop off to Roland Garros to catch the first round of the French Open. It was a lovely spring day until it started raining heavily. Umbrellas came out, and tarps covered the clay courts for over an hour until it was decided that play could continue. While the tournament committee was ready to blame me for the weather, they weren't entirely convinced.

The main issue they had with me was that I'm pretty certain I cursed everyone that I saw play. I'm pretty sure that nobody I watched in the first round made it out of the second. I didn't even see Rafael Nadal play, but simply being in the area was enough to get him bounced in the early rounds, despite being probably the greatest clay-court player in the game. The Williams sisters lost their doubles match soon after we saw them, the Russian girl whose name escapes me obviously didn't win, and Jelena Dokic had to withdraw from her next match with a back injury.


Nicely done.

Theme Week Part Un

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: Back From France Week! The Symbol for King Francois I was a fire-breathing Salamander


Gee, Jeremy...where did you go on your vacation a couple weeks ago? Seriously...you can't script me any better than this?


So, I spent some time in Sunny France. Sunny, with the exception of one day which we'll get to later in the week. After returning, I realized that not everybody has been to France, and so it's my moral obligation to present to you the lessons learned on our trip. Today's bit of info, King Francois I.

Francois I (Pronounced Frankie The Eye) was crowned King of France in 1515 and was the main person responsible for the construction of the Chateau du Chambord, a 400-room hunting lodge situated on a 13,000 acre lot perfect for raising a family...that he stayed at for 42 days, give or take.

The Chateau is adorned repeatedly with the symbol of his reign, the Fire-Breathing Salamander, which is common to the area. Also common to the area is Malaryia, which claimed the lives of thousands of French workers and prisoners of war who worked on the construction.

They ran a Creperie

In a bit of Revisionist History, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern pulled a MacGyver-like escape and happily lived out their lives in Saint Malo


Fascinating. We were always led to believe they died. There was even a movie about it.


That's very true, and the movie sucked mightily. I was forced to pretend to like it at one point, but that's hardly worth mentioning. What's important to know is that Rosencrantz was a Kung Fu master and Guildenstern was an expert engineer. Between the two of them, they were basically a cross between MacGyver and The A-Team, without the cool theme music. Their unique skill set is why they were chosen by Claudius for the Hamlet Mission in the first place.

Little did Hamlet know that upon sending them to their supposed deaths in England, he was merely setting the stage for a 16th century version of "Kill Bill" with mayhem and bloodshed all over the countryside.

The two later captured a pirate ship and sailed to France where they chose to let the crew live and gave command back to The Dread Pirate Frank, and lived in relative exclusion, catering to the tourists in the tiny walled town of Saint Malo. It really is a heart-warming story.

SCIENCE!

Hard at work developing genetically engineered Crunchberries


This sounds like a fantastic advance for mankind. Thank you for this, Jeremy.


You're very welcome.


What provoked this, anyway?


A Recent Court Case involving the makers of Cap'n Crunch and Crunchberries, of course. The defendants were sued for what amounts to false advertising for using the word "Berries" on the box and having Cap'n Crunch forcefully "thrusting a spoonful of "Crunchberries" at the prospective buyer," when in fact the cereal contains no actual fruit, or "berries."

That's right...some moron actually thought Crunchberries were real fruit and found a lawyer to actually take the case to court. Mercifully for all humanity, the case was ultimately thrown out by a judge citing precedent in a similar case against the makers of "Froot Loops" cereal. I'm actually not making that up.

Neither the Smurfs nor Frankenberry could be reached for comment.

It’s June 3rd! Happy Chimborazo Day, everybody!


Yep...that's what today is. Any idea what it's all about?


None whatsoever. Determining the proper way to celebrate this important holiday is left as an exercise to the reader.


Well then, you kinda need something else going on here to make for an interesting Blag today. I also use the term "Interesting" loosely.


In that case, let's watch cartoons! Here's Tom and Jerry and a classical piano piece by Franz Liszt entitled, "Hungarian Rhapsody Number 2":

Bienvenue!

I'm back, baby!


So, I've returned from France to much fanfare and a ridiculously massive shambles at work, so today's Blag will have to be cut a little on the short side.


It is definitely nice to be back from vacation. I spent the last 2 weeks over at Evil Jeremy's Blog, and I have to admit, it's a little weird over there.


How so?


Well, it's all dark and spooky. Also, he's got this bizarre obsession with Legos and I don't believe he even owns a toaster.


Sorry you had to deal with that. It's good to have you back.