It's good, too.

Today’s status is an inside joke. You totally didn’t get it.


AAAAAAAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! That's a great one!


I know, right? It's funny because it's true.


It really is a great call back to that thing you did back then.


Yeah, it's been a while since we've gone through that.


Totally worth it. Great Sametime Status today, Jeremy!


Thanks! See everyone tomorrow!

It only has 3 chords, too!

If the best they could do was “Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh,” is it really a bad thing that they don’t write ‘em like that anymore?


Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh


So today's message is in reference to the lyrics of "The Breakup Song" by the Greg Kihn Band.


Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh


I actually had to look up the song title, because I honestly had no idea what the song was about except for the fact that they don't write em like that anymore.


Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh


And since the uh uh uh part in between every line is so moronic, I never really cared to listen more closely.


Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh


So as it turns out, the guy's relationship ended about an hour before the song, and now he's sitting at a bar drinking and watching people dance. That's about it.


Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh


Fortunately for us, they don't write em like that anymore, so we shouldn't be subjected to any more of this nonsense. Except in blag form!


Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh

Ugh...

“It’s been a long week.” – Anonymous Coworker at 1PM monday.


'Nuff said. Jeremy will return on monday.

MEDIC!!!

The toaster is down! We need a SOAK or an ETA ASAP!!!


Not the toaster!! Oh, the humanity!


You all remember The Famed Toaster of Hades, right? Well, my worthy adversary has fallen ill. The last two days, The Toaster sits idly...no orange glow coming from its eyes, no smoke billowing from its latest crispy conquest. Only an "Out of Order, Sorry for the Inconvenience" sign resting in Death's jaws.

I don't know what's wrong with it, or if there is any hope of recovery. Since The Toaster is still in place, I can only assume that it will rise from its own ashes like a phoenix, ready to rain fire upon its victims once again. If, by some horrible twist of fate, The Toaster's final chapter has been written, it will be a bittersweet moment, and certainly the dawn of a new era. The outcome, for now, remains in doubt, and we all wait in anxious anticipation for the resolution.


I wish all the best to The Toaster and its family. So what are all these acronyms?

• SOAK - Second Of A Kind (I've had to eat chilled bagels for the last 2 days since there's no back-up Toaster)
  
• ETA - Estimated Time of Arrival, or basically the time that the Toaster is scheduled to be repaired and back in full operational mode. Actually, ETA isn't an acronym, but an initialization, since when spoken it's not pronounced, but merely stated as the letters themselves.
  
• ASAP - As Soon As Possible

That is sum kind of funny

"Cogito ergo eggo" - "I think therefore I waffle"


Interesting corollary.


Today's Sametime Status is brought to you courtesy of my friend John who put this up as his Facebook status a while ago. I thought it was hysterical, so I decided to share it with you.

It is obviously a play on the famous René Descartes quote "Cogito ergo sum," which translates to "I think therefore I am." Not much more to it than that. Have a good Wednesday.

The election was almost 5 months ago

Why am I still listening to political ads? More importantly, when is it going to stop?


How will you know who not to vote for?


I won't be voting anytime soon, that I know of. The election was in November, but every friggin day, they still keep playing political ads on the radio on my way to work.

They tell me all about how some guy is a jerk and didn't pay his taxes and is responsible for subprime lending and the AIG bonuses. Of course, some other guy is a Washington insider and is the reason government is the way it is...but the other guy has no experience...but the other guy tool per diems as a politician, and that's just horrifying.

HOLY CRAP!

Make it stop already. Whatever election it is you're yammering about either already happened, won't happen for another 7 months, or nobody cares about. I'm not voting for either of you chumps...I'm writing in Mickey Mouse.

If it weren't for my horse...

License Plate: “SNOTFACE” I don’t even have a joke about that.


Wow...just wow.


So Lewis Black did a comedy routine a few years back about hearing the dumbest phrase he's ever heard. That sentence was "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."

The story goes that Lewis's brain immediately tried to figure out what that sentence could possibly mean, and why the person what could have happened to the person who said it to even make them think that this sentence made any sense whatsoever. I had a similar incident driving home not long ago when I saw a little red car in the rear-view mirror. I thought nothing of it at first, until I pulled away when a light turned green and saw what I thought was an interesting license plate. It was tough going because by the time the car would get close enough that I could make out the letters while driving in a safe, forward-looking manner, the plate would be out of the view of the mirror.

I saw my opportunity at the end of the road, where we come to a stop sign at the T. I was going to be turning right, and my friend in the little red car was going to the left. I purposely took an extra couple seconds at the stop sign in order to read the license plate as it pulled away...and the result was stupefying. The license plate said, and I swear I am not making this up..."SNOTFACE".

Stupid bumper stickers are one thing...you buy them once and they cost at most $5, and they're fixed for good. Vanity license plates cost a lot more, and I think you have to keep paying for them year after year. And you choose to use it on SNOTFACE?! I just don't get it...somebody help me understand. Please?

Weird guy who hangs around occasionally with Rhetorical Friday

Anyone who says they’re not going to watch Basketball today is a liar.


Well, I probably am, but I'm certain that somebody out there won't be watching today.


Well, today's Sametime Status is an example of a rhetorical fallacy based on false authority. The statement does not lend itself to debate due to the forcing of a fallacious argument. By coming right out and telling the reader what they are to believe, I'm implying that I am something of an authority figure out television/internetz viewing habits and know with utmost certainty what people are going to be watching today.

As it is...a lot of people are probably going to be seeing some basketball today, but I'm not at liberty to comment on whether or not that includes the entire population, or even every member of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World. Therefore, you get another edition of Rhetorical Friday!

It clearly runs in the family

Is there anyone named "Cage" who isn't a hack?


I can't think of any off the top of my head. You'll provide numerous examples, I trust?


Yes, I will. The following people all have the surname "Cage" and are hacks:

• Michael Cage – Hack basketball player whose NBA career saw a whopping 7.3 points per game scoring average. (In all fairness, he did lead the league in rebounds once, in 1988. Easily the best accomplishment on this list.)
  
• Christian Cage – (Real name is Jason Reso...he choose the name "Cage" because he was a hack) Hack pro wrestler who has basically failed out of every wrestling organization he's ever been in.
  
• John Cage – Hack musician whose most famous work (and I am Not Making This Up) is 4 minutes and 33 seconds of silence. He also wrote another piece called "As Slow As Possible, or ASLSP for short, which is currently being performed in Halberstadt, Germany. The performance started in 2001 and is scheduled for a duration of 639 years. The next time a note will change is July 5, 2010.
  
• Johnny Cage – Hack video game character in the Mortal Kombat series. You know you're a hack fighter when your signature move is Punching Your Opponent In The Groin.
  
• Nicolas Cage – Hack actor who has successfully sleepwalked his way through another film, scheduled for release this week to much fanfare and lukewarm (at best) reviews.
  

It's not a question of "if"

Pick Jeremy’s 12-5 Upset! Arizona over Utah, Northern Iowa over Purdue, Wisconsin over Florida State, or Western Kentucky over Illinois


Have you gone mad?


Yes I have....for March Madness!


Okay, seriously...you don't like basketball.


Not the point.

As we've learned over the time we've been blagging together, we've learned that I'm very susceptible to peer pressure. Therefore, when the NCAA Squeekball tournament rolls around in March every year, I get roped into filling out at least one or two of those bracket thingies. I have absolutely no idea what teams are any good, who's been playing well lately, and what team that Tyler guy I'm apparently supposed to know plays for.

I know one fact about the NCAA tournament, and that is that the 12-5 matchup is a statistically significant outlier. You expect the percentage of upsets to increase as you go down the bracket...a #16 team roughly never beats a #1 seed, but a #9 seed quite often takes down a #8. That upset percentage is roughly linear, with one substantial bump at the #5 seed. It's cursed. A #12 seed upsets a #5 more often than they statistically should. That, my friends...is the extent of my NCAA basketball knowledge. Therefore, when I fill out my peer-induced bracket, I will include a peer-induced 12-5 upset based on votes by you, The Most Intelligent Readership In The World.

I don't feel any unluckier

I’m not Irish. I will not magically become more Irish if you keep pinching me. So STOP IT!


Not wearing green today, are you?


I am not. It has little to do with the fact that I'm not Irish...I just don't usually wear green clothes. I'm not even sure I have any green clothes other than THIS SHIRT. Despite the fact that I am an engineer, that shirt's not really appropriate attire for work.

The whole nonsensical statement that "Everybody's Irish on March 17th" is perpetuated largely by the makers of fine Irish beers and liquors in order to entice more people to buy their product, if only for one day out of the year. Even though it will probably work, it won't change the taste if I happen to be wearing a green shirt while drinking it.

My official St. Patrick's Day Stance: I'm not Irish, but I'll still drink Guinness.


Good enough for me.

Not me...the guy driving

Stupid Bumper Sticker of the Day: "I Am A Fat Pig"


Seriously? Somebody had this as a bumper sticker?


I am deeply saddened to report that this is 100% true. I saw this bumper sticker on the back of somebody's car about a week ago.

Of course, I started to overthink and futilely tried to come up with some reason that somebody would actually want this message to be the one they send to the world of people driving behind them. Maybe it has some deeper meaning...like the social commentary on Americans at large and he's trying to be ironic by turning the hatred around into pride. Or maybe he's really fat and rolls around in mud. I really have no idea.

Theme Week, Part 5

Jeremy’s Sametime Status proudly presents: Jeremy’s Bucket List Week! Eat room-temperature chicken out of a vending machine. CHECK!


Not only is this arguably the most disgusting thing you've ever put on the Blag, but it's irresponsible and hypocritical to boot...what with your being a Bird Flu activist and all. What's up?


It's not as bad as it sounds, really. We're going on the assumption that the chicken was fully cooked before being vacuum-sealed in easy-to-vend form.

I often like to go on little "Vending Machine Adventures" which usually amount nothing more than trying whatever new flavour of chips happen to show up that week. (Hint: Avoid the "Bravos" Sweet Pepper tortilla chips at ALL costs) It's fun to try new things, and it costs about 75 cents, so even if it's atrocious, you're not out all that much.

Not long ago at lunch, I walked past the vending machine full of chips and candies and such, when something new caught my eye. It wasn't a bag of chips, as such, but it was in the chip location. No, it was a bag of jerky...but not standard beef jerky or even turkey jerky like you may all be thinking. It was Buffalo flavoured chicken jerky nuggets. The initial though horrified me at first...and the $1.00 cost of the bag didn't help matters, but a couple generous sadists coworkers helped out with the financing (more of a dare than anything else, I imagine) and the bag only cost me 40 cents.

The dining experience wasn't the greatest. While the things eventually had a decent flavour, the stringy texture of room temperature chicken jerky was more than a little off-putting.

Bottom line...I did not contract Bird Flu or Salmonella from the experience, and I learned a little more about what not to do at a vending machine. I call it success!

Theme Week, Part 4

Jeremy’s Sametime Status proudly presents: Jeremy’s Bucket List Week! Write a Top-40 Song that actually makes the Top-40. NOT CHECKED


Welcome back! How was training?


It was interesting. Some contradictions and fuzziness from the instructors, but I like to think that I've gained the general concepts of the material, and I even managed to include a Bird Flu reference into our practice exercise.


Very thoughtful of you. A new audience made aware of the dangers.


I thought so. Now, to talk about today's Message.

There is a very standard cry in just about every era that new music sucks. As cliche and annoying as that complaining is, it's never been more true than it is today (and yes, I'm including 90's cheesey techno in that assessment). Here's why. Music, just like everything else, has become a multi-billion dollar industry built around the same "growth economy" principles as any other industry you can find. The idea that the company has to make more sales than it did in the previous quarter prevails over all else, because if there's no growth, the stock price goes down. Like any other industry, there are two alternatives...either bring in more money, or spend less. This forces labels to try to squeeze as much music out of the same number of musicians for as little money as they can.

The end result, is a band being essentially forced to produce a CD of songs that may or may not represent the best work that band can do, simply because they're under a deadline and have to get the CD out or violate the terms of their contract. Another option is to be essentially blacklisted from the recording industry until they put out that last stipulated disc. More often than not, the final product is inferior craftsmanship from otherwise supremely talented artists.

Today's rant comes to you courtesy of the rock group "Candlebox" and their newest CD "Into The Sun." I like "Candlebox," and their 1993 CD "Candlebox" is impressive in both musical ability and range of styles. However, in 15 years, they've managed to re-release the exact same song with different lyrics and call it new music. Don't believe me? HERE ARE a couple of LINKS TO CHECK OUT which will help you see my side of things. Pay close attention to the songs "Stand" and "You," and I think you'll get the idea.

If this is all it takes to make a Top 40 song ("You" hit #6, and "Stand" peaked at #15), then there really should be nothing stopping me from getting up there too.

Theme Week, Part 3

Jeremy’s Sametime Status proudly presents: Jeremy’s Bucket List Week! Record the voiceover for an Infomercial. NOT CHECKED


Infomercials? That would be a change of pace.


I know! I've been practicing saying things like "...but WAIT, there's MORE!" and "AMAZING" for years now, and I think I'm ready to break into the big time.

Infomercials are truly amazing things. They show you how the simplest everyday activities can be incredibly cumbersome if you don't have some company's product, or how you can save time by spending time to prepare things for a company's product. For example, everyone's seen the "Snuggie" commercial, where the lady on the couch makes a complete production out of spreading a blanket over her legs, and then falls all over herself trying to answer a phone. If anybody is truly this uncoordinated, they probably won't be able to dial the phone to buy a Snuggie in the first place, but that doesn't matter...the solution to YOUR life is a moronic-looking blanket with sleeves. Also, there's the "Magic Bullet" infomercial where you can make fruit smoothies in 10 seconds as long as you have fruit already cleaned, peeled and sliced small enough to fit into a miniature blender. Since the only things you ever eat in the first place are of a consistency somewhere between paste and liquid, this little wonder can do ALL of your meal preparations for you. The list goes on. I honestly don't know how much money the makers of these worthless remarkably effective products make, but it's got to be small potatoes compared to the earnings of the Infomercial Talent themselves...and it's my time to get in on it!

One important thing to note is that I'm not looking to take down Ron Popeil or Billy Mays, or that headset-wearing chump selling the "Slap Chop." I don't need to be the front-man for any of this stuff. I'm perfectly content being the voiceover guy that tells you how to order.

Here's Ron Popeil doing his own voiceover work for "Mr. Microphone" (Makes a perfect Christmas Gift...apparently):

Theme Week, Part 2

Jeremy’s Sametime Status proudly presents: Jeremy’s Bucket List Week! Not contract Bird Flu. CHECK! (For now)


This could very well be a tough one to keep on your list, you know. What with the pandemic predictions and international conspiracies and all.


I know...which is why I try to stay up to date on all the late-breaking Bird Flu news. To that end, I'd like to happily report that the mainstay of my Avian Influenza research, Bird Flu Breaking News.com is back up and running after a long and mysterious absence.

Regardless...since I am somewhat of an activist against this terrible disease, I've decided to dedicate myself to not contracting Bird Flu, and add it to my Bucket List. For now, I'm clear...who knows what tomorrow holds?


You're a few days early for Rhetorical Friday.

Theme Week, Part 1

Jeremy’s Sametime Status proudly presents: Jeremy’s Bucket List Week! Skydiving. NOT CHECKED


Hopefully you're not going to die anytime soon...people have come to depend on your blag.


For those of you unfamiliar with the term, or the recent movie, a "Bucket List" is a person's list of things to do before they kick the bucket. I've decided to share my list with you this week in whimsical blag form. Partially because I did something stupid a little while back that I thought would make a good Sametime Status and wanted a fun way to detail it, and partially because I tend to be a procrastinator. So even though I currently have no plans to kick off, I thought it would be a nice change of pace to get these things listed out in advance so I can start checking them off the list. Today's task: Skydiving!


So you want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane?


I sure do! Long before I came along, people have longed to fly...and as soon as they figured it out, they invented stupid things to do while flying. These include, but are not limited to: aerial acrobatics, wing walking, the Vomit Comet, and of course, falling. I would like to be included in this list of people who have gone up in a plane and decided that flying just wasn't for me and fall down. There's no way that can go badly, is there?

So as of today, I have not gone skydiving. Therefore, it shows up as UNCHECKED on my Bucket List.

Ow....just ow

Death by Hip Adductor: Worst death ever? Discuss.


That would be somewhat tragic.


For those of you who aren't familiar with the Hip Adductor exercise, please review the following video, then continue reading:



That's what everybody loves about this Blag...entertaining AND educational!


So at the gym, roughly every piece of equipment has the same warning label on it reminding you to follow all the instructions printed on the label, or else an incident could occur resulting in injury or death. For whatever reason, this warning is most prevalent on the Hip Adductor machine. I can certainly imagine a situation with this machine where you could wind up with a remarkably painful injury that might make you wish you were dead, but I haven't quite figured out a way that you could actually kill yourself. Regardless, if the mass-produced sticker says so, I have no choice but to believe it's true. And once I've accepted that truth, it's tough to think of a worse or more embarrassing way to go.

Where's Eddie Shore when you need him?

If the Rangers were able to acquire Nik Antropov for nothing more than two draft picks, why is it they had to ridiculously overpay to rent Derek Morris?


It really doesn't seem logical.


So today is the big follow-up to the NHL Deadline Day post. The New York Rangers were in fact busy, trading for both defenseman Derek Morris (From the Coyotes) and forward Nik Antropov (From the Maple Leafs).

The price tag for Antropov (a 29 year old 6'6" Center and gifted "potential boy") was a mere 2nd round pick in the 2009 draft and a conditional pick in the 2010 draft. Antropov will be an unrestricted free agent at the end of the season, so basically, this trade is for roughly 4 months of his services before he's free to sign with any other team in the league.

Morris is a talented defenseman, more of the big stay-at-home type who's never scored more than 11 goals in a season, and hasn't tallied more than 30 points in a season since the 2002-2003 campaign. He also is an unrestricted free agent after the season, so the same "4-month rental" conditions apply. The cost to rent Morris? Defenseman Dmitri Kalinin along with forwards Nigel Dawes and Petr Prucha...all of which come directly off of the Rangers' NHL roster.


That's a pretty big difference.


Exactly! Morris is a totally decent defenseman, but hardly a world-beater. He'll hold his own against any team in the NHL, but he's no Zdeno Chara, Chris Pronger, Dion Phaneuf, Maurice Tudot, or Drew Doughty. Personally, I think the Rangers got hosed on this deal.

That said, it wasn't the only lead-pipe job pulled by an NHL GM yesterday. Philly pulled Kyle McLaren from the Sharks for a mere 6th round draft pick. The Penguins scored Bill Guerin for only a conditional 2009 draft pick, and the biggest of all...the Carolina Hurricanes mercilessly schooled the Los Angeles GM, trading injured forward Justin Williams out west in exchange for the Kings' Patrick O'Sullivan AND a 2nd round draft pick. The only explanation for this trade is payback for the horrific fleecing the Hurricanes got back in 2006 when they traded away a young Jack Johnson for Tim Gleason and Eric Belanger.


(In light of Evil Jeremy's comment on yesterday's post, I made up one of the players' names in today's post...find it, and you win!)

Trade me right *&%$ing now!

Journeyman "Jeremy’s Sametime Status" has been traded to the Hawks for a box of used pucks to be shipped later.


Wow...only made it one season with the Wings? That's pretty lousy.


So today, as all of you know, is the NHL Trade Deadline. There has already been some activity in the trade front over the last couple weeks, most notably Mike Comrie and Chris Campoli headed to Ottawa for new Islander Dean McAmmond and a 1st rounder. There's also the Ryan Whitney trade in which Chris Kunitz and Eric Tangradi changed coasts from Anaheim to Pittsburgh. More is sure to follow today, especially the long-anticipated Jay Bouwmeester trade out of Florida. Whoever picks him up is going to send Florida a nice payday of players and draft picks. Also, if all of my stars align, Kyle Calder will find a taker and rid the LA Kings of this year's version of Brian "Skills" Willsie.


So what condition was this box in...the one that held the used pucks, I mean?


If you follow hockey and look for interesting trade rumours, you've undoubtedly come across the NHL Rumour website for the "Anonymous Hockey Blogger" who is such a useless waste of space and internetz bandwidth, I won't even link to his craphole of a page here. With a rumour success rate of 2.4% (As of 3/4/09), this chump's "sources" amount to little more than a dartboard. However...this leads other people to have fun with it and generate fun websites like The Ecklund Rumour Generator, from which I learned that "According to sources within the St. Louis Blues organisation, the New York Rangers are willing to part with D Wade Redden, a 7th round pick, G Henrik Lundqvist to obtain the services of D Erik Johnson. Remember, you heard it here first!"


That's a better trade than the Hawks just made, I can tell you that...


Now, I know many Rangers fans are somewhat unhappy with Wade Redden's performance this year, but apparently, St. Louis thinks he can turn it around in the stretch run if they're willing to trade away Erik Johnson. However, it would seem that despite (or because of) the recent Sean Avery acquisition, the Rangers might be writing off the year, since Erik Johnson is out for the season with a knee injury. Interesting trade, if it happens. :)

Not a very hard goodbye, really

Dear Winter; It’s not you, it’s me...

We need to talk.

Winter, we've been through a lot in the last few months. We've had snow and tubing and rain and ice and cold and lousy driving conditions and morons who won't know how to deal with lousy driving conditions. I'm not saying that's all your fault, I'm just saying that I don't think I'm at a time in my life where I'm able to handle that all anymore. I feel constricted...a little suffocated maybe at having to stay inside all the time because of you. I need to go out and explore once in a while...and I don't think I can do that with you.

What I'm trying to say here is that I think we need to spend some time apart. This last snowstorm you gave me really opened my eyes and let me see that I don't really need you anymore. Yes, I know it was only a couple inches, and as much fun as you had with it, having to drag the snowblower out again, and the wind throwing it all back in my face just wasn't the kind of thing I wanted yesterday.

There's a new season that I've noticed a couple times this year...Spring. I haven't started anything with Spring yet, because I wanted some closure with you first. But the warmer temperatures and sun and ability to go outside are really appealing to me right now, and I'd like to explore that and see where it goes.

I know it sounds cliche, but I'd really like to stay friends, since I know I'm going to see you again later this year, but for now...I think it's time for a little separation. I hope you understand.

Sincerely,
Jeremy

I did that, I did that, that's my fault, I did that!

Sorry about the weather, everybody.


You're a jerk. What did you do?


So, you may have read on the Internets that there is a huge snowstorm in the northeast. That can be directly attributed to me.


Nice going, chump.


So over the weekend, I decided I'd had enough of winter (Okay, technically I had enough of winter around November, but that's beside the point), so I went to a local Home Improvement store (We'll call it "House Station"), and stocked up on the following items: Potting soil, plant food, grass seed, lawn fertilizer, grass edger, and a lawn spreader. The only reason that I didn't buy water seal for my deck was because they didn't have the clear version, and I don't feel like coloring my deck red.

Mother Nature, in her infinite lack of wisdom, decided to punish me for this offense by dumping another pile of snow on the entire northeast United States.

Sorry, everybody.