On A Scale Of One To Braaaaaaaaaains...

Much like those in the film itself, there was a hurried zombie stampede for the theater exits when the movie ended

Ladies and gentlemen, Jeremy will be reviewing a film he's actually seen.  This is a rare and special gift, so you should hang on to this like a squirrel hiding acorns for the cold, sarcastic months.  

So, not long ago, I had the chance to watch the new zombie apocalypse film, "World War Z."  Unfortunately for me, I did not pass up this opportunity.  What I got was quite possibly the driest, most soul-deprived take on the zombie film ever.  It combined lots of things I don't like.   Let's examine them, shall we?

Do we have to?

It's my blag, so yes.

First, films that are ostensibly action films that really have no action.  Sometimes, "action" movies deal more with people sitting around in offices and meeting rooms talking and calling people on the phone moreso than any sort of...you know...action.  The Bourne series is one serviceable example of this (though Matt Damon does spend at least a decent amount of time punching people...also, we're going to ignore the more recent Jeremy Renner Adaptation, because it will be better for everyone's sanity if we pretend that never existed), but a far clearer picture is painted by the film "Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy," in which a supposedly action-packed plot is unraveled bit by bit through one guy hurriedly talking to many different people in different rooms.  That was it.  Horrible let-down.  Same thing happens here...you have a guy trying to survive the zombie apocalypse and find a cure for the infection by going to random places and talking to people.  Oh, and he gets in a plane crash for some unknown reason.  Which brings me to...

Second, plot points for the sake of plot points.  There's a plane crash in this movie.  That's not really a spoiler, because nothing happens because of the plane crash.  A guy is on a plane, and it crashes.  Then, he continues going about whatever it was he was going to do before the plane crashed anyway.  There was no reason to have the plane crash other than to create a zombie-fighting scene on an airplane.  Okay, that line might be a spoiler, but it's not much of one, and you can see it coming a mile away anyway, so deal with it.  Early in the film, there's also a random family tucked in an apartment waiting out the zombie apocalypse.  We meet them early, and one of the kids escapes with Brad Pitt.  We don't really know why, and we're led to believe that the rest of the family dies...but the whole episode really serves no purpose.  Except, perhaps, to illustrate the point that Brad Pitt is a good guy and everybody else can learn from him.  Which brings me to...

Third...and I'm a little less clear on how to describe this...but there's one useful character in this entire film.  There's Brad Pitt and there's a world full of buffoons.  There's an entire army of people on a giant Navy ship sitting around talking on the phone, but nobody actually doing anything.  The only thing they can think of to do is call up Brad Pitt, who reluctantly comes out of retirement to save the day.  This part bothered me more than it probably would have before I had the misfortune of "reading" the "Survivalist" series of pure crap novels by Jerry Ahern.  In those books, much like this movie, there's one lead character who is so obviously the envy of the author it makes you a little queasy, and there's everyone else who is a complete and utter nincompoop, and would be dead without the sage advice and help of the lead character.   In he film, there are army people who can't defend a base without Brad Pitt's help, doctors who can't cure diseases without Brad Pitt's help, heads of state who can't run a country without Brad Pitt's help, a family who can't stay in an apartment without Brad Pitt's help, and pilots who can't fly a plane without Brad Pitt's help.  I wouldn't have been entirely shocked if one of the zombies was getting advice from Brad Pitt on how to properly bite somebody at some point.  Brad Pitt has a family in this movie.  This is worthy of note because he calls them on the phone occasionally to prove to us that he's a good guy.  They serve no other purpose in the film whatsoever.  Later on, when we get to the climax of the movie and only one person can save the day....go ahead and take a wild guess who's doing the day-saving, and who's watching him on closed-circuit tv and hugging while narrating what's going on for those of us who can't be bothered to pay attention to the plot.  Here's a hint:  the answers are "Brad Pitt," and "Frickin' Everyone Else,"...respectively.

Overall, I would give this movie more stars than any Nicolas Cage film, but fewer than a movie that most people would consider "acceptable." 


This has been another edition of Jeremy Is In The Theatre.