If I Didn't Tell People, Nobody Would Know I'm An Idiot

I just did a Google search for “Google.”  I need a vacation.

Good job, Jeremy.  Now the NSA knows that you're a moron.  They keep track of your internets searches, you know.  

Whether or not that's true, there's actually a mildly plausible explanation as to why I ended up doing a Google search for Google.  Also, in my defense, pretty much the instant I pressed the Enter key, I realized what I had done and felt shame...so I've got that going for me, at least. 

Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

First of all, you loyal Blag readers will learn something about this that the folks who only read the Sametime Status at work won't.  This actually happened last Friday, so it technically didn't "just" happen.  You feel better knowing that.  So, here's how this came about.  I was planning some little snack foods to take to a party in the relatively near future.  They involve putting things in little phyllo dough shells.  You are now jealous and want one, but stay with me for a little while longer here.  I wanted to do a quick search on the internets to see which, if any, of the local grocery stores carried them, so I pulled up The Google.  I did this by typing Google.com into the address bar, as most of us are wont to do.  I type "phyllo dough mini shells" into the Google's search box and away I went, hoping to see if the "In Stock Nearby" button would work...it totally didn't.  So, I thought to pull up the website for one of the local supermarkets directly.  I go back up to the address bar and type in what I presumed to be the address of the store, though I wasn't sure...so I put in...for the sake of the blag, we'll call it "shopcorrectly.com".  I figured, if this was the actual web address for the ShopCorrectly chain of supermarkets, then the website would load just about instantly.  When it didn't, I decided to myself that the address must be something different, so I should go back to The Google and search for the supermarket's real address.  To do this, one would normally go back to the address bar and type in "google.com" as we have done previously to great success.  Well, as you might suspect, since the "ShopCorrectly" website didn't load immediately, the browser window was still showing my previous Google search results, including the search box at the top.  In my haste to get back to The Google, and spacing out on the fact that the search page was still being displayed, I clicked in the search box instead of the address bar, typed in "google.com" and hit enter.  Strangely enough, a search for google.com on The Google yields results including The Google.  Immediately sobered by the fact that I had done something this dumb, I at least had the presence of mind to type "ShopCorrectly" into the search box rather than clicking on the link to The Google to do my search.  I realized two things right then.  First, this story would make for a great, if self-deprecating, Sametime Status.  Second, my brain is mushy and I need a vacation.  Fortunately.....

Today is Jeremy's last day of work for 2013!  He'll be on vacation until Thursday, January 2, when we'll return with a whole bushel of 2014 Sametime Statuses waiting to be unleashed upon the unsuspecting world.  

So, from all of us here at Jeremy Is In The Office, have a Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Any Other Holiday You Celebrate At This Time of Year (AOHYCATTY), safe travels for anyone hitting the roads and airports, and I'll see you all in 2014!

Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office from Thursday, December 19th until Thursday, January 2nd.  So long, 2013!  

It's A Little Safer Now, Too

As of today, people have been flying for 110 years

And boy are their arms tired!  

So in case you were caught unawares, today marks the 110th anniversary of the Wright Brothers' historic flight in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina.   

Very strictly speaking, powered flight was achieved three days earlier, when Wilbur Wright did manage to get the Wright Flyer airborne for 3 seconds before stalling and crashing, but that was not considered a successful flight.  On Dec 17th, 1903, the first four successful trips on the world's first plane were achieved, the longest being around 200 feet.  

Since then, we've improved upon the Wright Brothers' design a little bit and have planes that can carry hundreds of people thousands of miles at a time, and others that can carry one person a thousand miles in a matter of minutes.  Yeah, Science!

How About It, Kellogg's? (Part II)

Companies should be required to post the Floating Coefficient of breakfast cereals on the box

Ah, yes.  The seldom-referenced Floating Coefficient.  Often symbolized by a lower-case Greek letter Eta, it represents the ratio of amount of a buoyant object above the liquid surface to below.  Very useful in nautical engineering, but applicable in culinary fields as well.  

Right you are.  So, we've all had this problem: You pour yourself a nice bowl of cereal, then you pour in some milk, causing all of the cereal to rise and promptly dump out all over the table.  Not only annoying in that you now have to clean up a mess, but you either lose cereal or have to eat it dry out of your hand.  Boo.

All of this nonsense could have been avoided if you knew in advance how much your cereal would float before you put the milk in.  You could then adjust the amount of cereal in the bowl to account for the additional milk space required.  As you know, it varies from cereal to cereal.  For example, "Life" cereal doesn't float at all, so you can fill your bowl right to the brim with cereal and add in milk with no danger of spillage, whereas Rice Krispies are mostly air, and float about as well as a beach ball.   

Using these examples, the math is actually quite easy.  "Life" cereal will remain entirely below the milk's surface, since it has a Floating Coefficient of 0.  Therefore, when filling your bowl, you have to leave Milk Space, (or Sm) of the volume of milk multiplied by the Floating Coefficient.  Since Eta is zero, milk space is equal to zero.  Boom.  Done!  Rice Krispies, on the other hand have a Floating Coefficient of 8.3, so whatever volume of milk you plan to add, you have to leave 83% of that space empty at the top of the bowl, or else you will spill cereal.  

Turns out not to matter in most cases, since you just fill the bowl regardless of cereal type and just make a mess, but I like to believe that with a little extra information, and the ability to make a better cereal choice, a lot of this can be avoided.  If you knew in advance that 60% of your cereal would float above the milk surface, you would leave a little extra room at the top.  But since the Floating Coefficient is left entirely hidden by the cereal manufacturers, spillage is all too common.  What is it these factories don't want you to know?  Do they want you to waste cereal?  Are they working in conjunction with dairy farmers to destroy breakfast?  Do I like asking conspiracy-theory type rhetorical questions?  Since the government isn't about to step in, I think it's up to the people to stand up.  Demand that your cereal's floating coefficient be displayed prominently on the box!  Your breakfast depends on it. 

Today's Blag Brought To You By The Number 4

Earlier today, I broke a mirror underneath a ladder while ignoring a chain letter email.  Should be okay, right?  

So, hello to all of you triskaidekaphobics out there, and welcome to Friday the 13th!  Jeremy's been spending his whole day killing albatrosses by spilling salt on them while they're under an umbrella.  It's not looking too good for him right now.

Today, we celebrate superstitions!  There are apparently quite a few of them out there that cause bad luck, and I'm not quite sure how many I can check off my list today, but since it's Friday the 13th, I figure it's as good a time as any.  I still have plenty of time to kill a spider in the house and whistle once it gets dark outside. 

All in all, I've learned a couple things today.  There are a number of places you can't hold your breath or are supposed to hold your breath, depending, upside-down horseshoes are a no-no, as are 50-dollar bills and certain arrangements of shoes (be it under the bed or on top of the table).  It's just too much to keep track of. 

On the other hand, most of these luck-based superstitions are pretty easy.  in addition to salt, it's bad luck to spill pomegranate seeds.  I don't have pomegranate seeds very often, so I'm probably in good shape here.  Peeing in cemeteries is frowned upon.  I seriously doubt I'll ever have a problem with that, or not being allowed to shoot a black rabbit.  So, I guess it all depends on how much bad luck the more unavoidable things give me as to how much bad luck I'm going to have.  These things aren't very well quantified (aside from the 7 years thing for the mirror), and I really can't imagine that all things provide equal amounts of bad luck.  Somebody should do a study and publish a chart or something....

I Have To Ask People Not To Sue Me Too Often

Not overly comforted by the fact that the CEO of the company that makes Cold-Eeze is named Karkus

Jeremy is, of course, referring to ProPhase Labs and their CEO Ted Karkus, who I would remind Jeremy, has a large team of expensive lawyers on retainer.  

So we all know Cold-Eeze...they make cough drops with zinc as one of the active ingredients.  The idea being that zinc causes cold and flu viruses to be unable to attach themselves to receptors in the body, effectively shortening the duration of illnesses.  I'm told they work very well, but have very little first-hand knowledge.  

The CEO of the company that makes these things is named Karkus...which is, of course, a homonym of "carcass," which seems to be the exact thing you're trying to avoid becoming by taking medicine.  Strangely enough, I don't find this very encouraging. 

Looked Like Rudolph Sneezed All Over Everything

And now we’ve learned an important lesson about storing Christmas candles in the attic

That lesson would be the fact that candle wax melts at a temperature less than the attic reaches during the summer months.

This fact is at least a little disturbing.  Attics get hot...it's kinda what they do.  But, near as I can tell, candle way melts somewhere north of 140 degrees F.  I suppose there exists the possibility that the $3 holiday-themed candle that I bought on sale last year isn't made of the highest quality wax money can buy, but how much that changes the melting point is an exercise left to the reader.

Yeah, nobody's doing that calculation for you.  

So, I got my Christmas decorating done recently.  This includes putting up a tree, lighting and decorating the aforementioned tree, putting some lights outside, hanging up a novelty-large stocking (which seems to remain empty...what's up, Santa?), putting out the Christmas rubber duckies, and making the house smell like Christmas.  This final part is achieved through the use of novelty scented jar candles purchased on a whim last year when they were on sale for like 3 bucks apiece.  Since they are all Christmas-scented (one of them is mine, one is holly berry, and I totally forget what the purple one is supposed to be, but it totally does smell purple), I tucked them in with the Christmas decorations when I put everything away back in January.  All of that stuff goes into the attic which reaches some pretty lofty temperatures, even with the addition of the attic fan.  Those temperatures are apparently enough to melt $3 scented candle wax, apparently.  This turned out not to be much of an issue for the white and purple candles, since they were stored upright in their plastic tubs.  Sure, the wicks disappeared into a little pool of wax, but nothing a little flame and a pair of tweezers couldn't solve.  The holly berry candle (arguably my favorite), suffered something of a worse fate.  The lid of the jar, with its flimsy plastic gasket, was insufficient to hold back the torrent of melting candle wax from an entire summer's worth of attic heat, and red goo poured out all over the tub, ruining a length of silver garland, a spool of white ribbon, and half of a string of lights.  Several other boxes of decorations are now tinted red as well, with no significant damage to the contents.  

This is crap.  

So, in addition to having to replace the lights and the ribbon, my house will no longer smell red and there's not a lot I can do about it.  Unless, of course, I find myself in a store selling Christmas-themed items between now and December 25th, and they happen to have holly scented jar candles.  I guess the odds of that are fairly decent.  And if I do manage to replace the candle, I'll have learned a very valuable lesson in jar candle storage.  Always store candles vertically when they go into the attic. 

There's Something About Radishes

Somebody may now explain to me why “Moon Over Parma” is stuck in my head

It's a fine Ohio-themed Christmas song.  Aside from the fact that you're not from Ohio, you don't live in Ohio, it's not a Christmas song, and it's not Christmas.  Other than that, it makes perfect sense, in a Jeremy sort of way. 

So last week, right around Thanksgiving, I was having a conversation about bowling and referenced this song.  There's a line in it about going bowling, and it's one of about 4 lines of the song that I actually know.    Over a week later, on a random Friday morning, the stupid thing pops back into my head and I can't get rid of it.  

At least yesterday, I had a new actual Christmas song stuck in my head, and that made sense.  Of course, when I say "new," it's one of the oldest Christmas songs around.  The song is called "Gaudete," and it comes from either the 15th or 16th century.  The lyrics are entirely in Latin, which led more than one Youtube commenter to announce that he would wait until there was an English version of the song to listen to it.  Good luck with that one, buddy.  Either way, it became relevant to me because Euro synth-pop recording artist Erasure recently put out a Christmas album, and it features this song.  As with all Christmas albums, the majority of Erasure's is boring derivative crap, but this one particular song is very well done, and worth a listen if you have Youtube And 4 Minutes To Kill Today. 

At some point overnight, this catchy and timely tune was replaced with Drew Carey's voice singing Bob McGuire's song.  I sometimes wish these things didn't happen. 

The Prize Was The Best Parking Space For His Horse

I like to think that back in feudal times, some king handed out a “Sentry Of The Century” award

This would assume the fact that back in feudal times, they actually had awards ceremonies.  I think the rampant celebration of doing a good job is a relatively recent phenomenon.  

I would agree, but at the same time, we don't really have sentries anymore.  Sure, there are security guards and whatnot all over the place, but I don't think they're called "sentries."  It's a little sad, really.

Also, back in feudal times, if you were a good sentry, that usually means that you were still alive after the castle was attacked.  Being a bad sentry probably meant you were dead.  Also a little sad.  

But great motivation for being good at your job!  

So whether or not some knight of the realm was presented with the title "Sentry Of The Century," I prefer to think that it happened.  You can choose to believe it or not...but it's certainly more fun if you do.   

Buy Me Stuff!

Okay, everybody.  What is the perfect gift for the engineer in your life?  Seriously...I need to tell people what to get me

This is important, folks.  Jeremy wants the best possible stuff under his tree.  He just has no idea what that is.  

It's true.  I'm plum out of ideas on what to tell people to buy me for Christmas.  I'm also ridiculously busy with meetings today, so I don't have time to write anything more interesting here.  It's up to you!

Celebrate Cyber Monday By Buying Me Presents!

Attention Stores:  It is now acceptable to play “Jingle Bells”

This public service announcement brought to you by all of us here at Jeremy Is In The Office as well as the world as a whole.  Thank you for your cooperation.

If you're like me, you've been to a store in the last month.  Perhaps it was a clothing store, or a department store, perhaps a home improvement store, or even a grocery store.  Regardless of the type of store, your experience has been largely the same.  Christmas trees, ornaments, lights, and music.  This is perfectly acceptable for this time of year.  Here's the problem...the last month is NOT THIS TIME OF YEAR!  

Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, we had our whole Black Friday deal happening, Small Business Saturday was a Thing, and today happens to be Cyber monday.  This conglomeration or events officially concludes the "Thanksgiving Season" and kicks off the "Christmas Season."  Where exactly the line gets drawn is a little ambiguous, but it's right around now.  It was not a month ago.  

I say this because it seems like I have to.  "Jingle Bells" has been pervasive in society for over a month now, and by the time Christmas actually happens, everybody is sick of it.  The same holds true for every Christmas song, but I chose Jingle Bells because it's a universally recognized song for the Christmas season that doesn't actually say "Christmas" in it...have to be culturally neutral for a Sametime Status at work, you know.  Either way, you get the idea.  People get tired of Christmas music after a couple weeks, tops.  We're already there, and most of us just started our Christmas shopping three days ago.  

It's up to you, Stores.  Help stop this nonsense.  Leave Christmas to the Christmas season, and don't play Jingle Bells before it's time to play Jingle Bells.  Thank you, and Merry Christmas.  

He And The Thrift Shop Guy Should Get Together

When Gandhi said “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” I don’t think “50 Cent” is what he was talking about

Well, I guess the only way to know for sure is to go ask him.  

Well, if I were to have a conversation with Gandhi, it would be an interesting experience, since he died 65 years ago, so I think that's out of the equation. 

First of all, let's get the elephant out of the room and acknowledge that there is plenty of doubt as to whether or not Gandhi actually said this phrase which has propagated itself onto just about every form of medium somebody can sell on the internets.  A more accurate interpretation of Gandhi's teachings on this particular subject may be Found Here.  Either way, it's a nice quote and sentiment.  

50 Cent (pronounced "Fiddy Sen") is Curtis Jackson III, a hip hop artist who does what hip hop artists do.  He raps about how good a rapper he is, holds up money in his "music" videos, engages in feuds with other rappers, and starts his own record labels.  This probably goes without saying.  Also, I've never seen one of his videos, so I'm just going with the assumption that he holds up money.  Go ahead and prove me wrong.  

In addition to being a hip hop artist, 50 Cent is an amount of money, equal to one half of a dollar.  This amount of cash is usually received as change for making a purchase without a whole dollar amount.  

Yeah, I think we got the joke.

In that case, I'll just leave off here by wishing everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!

Indeed.  Jeremy will be on vacation next week, so there will be no Sametime Statuses for your edutainment.  As such, Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office from November 23 through December 1st.  We'll return on monday, 12/2 with all new goodies! 

Now I Want Chicken

In a bit of revisionist history, Cap’n Crunch teamed up with one of his sailors, Popeye, to make a chicken-flavored breakfast cereal.  It was terrible

Well, at least this time, Revisionist History is about fictional characters, so we won't get sued.  I still can't condone this.

The loyal readers have a right to know.  

They have a right to no further nonsense, is what I think you mean.

So anyway...everyone knows Horatio Magellan "Cap'n" Crunch, of breakfast cereal fame.  Everyone also knows the lovable Popeye the Sailor Man, who later went on to start his own chain of Fried Chicken Restaurants.  Did you know that Popeye was one of the crew of the S.S Guppy led by the Good Cap'n?  Well, these two astute sailors worked together for a number of years spreading their love of fine cuisine all over the world.  Not to be outdone by the cook of the ship "Hispanola" who's name escapes me at the moment, who had long since opened his own chain of fried chicken/fish/hush puppies restaurants, Popeye and Cap'n Crunch worked together on a number of culinary projects.  

Part of this expansion into the epicurean realm, Quaker Oats, the company already mass-producing the Good Cap'n's breakfast cereal commissioned Popeye to be the mascot for their own product, as seen in This Commercial From 1990.  While sales of Quaker Oatmeal weren't hurt by the nautical endorsement, it wasn't a boon for sales as Quaker was hoping for.  They decided to discontinue using Popeye as merely an advertisement, and to actively create a new breakfast product themed around the already successful Cap'n (who's product is also produced by Quaker).  The combination of Horatio Crunch's cereal expertise and Popeye's chicken talents resulted in "Popeye's Poultry Puffs," a crunchy corn-based ball cereal similar to Kix, but with the taste of chicken.  Really, it was mostly salt-flavored, like Ramen noodles, but was also available in honey barbecue.  

The only problem is that they were awful.  Unfortunately for Popeye (and his friendship with Horatio), the cereal tested miserably with the focus groups and never made it to the shelves.  Quaker offered Horatio Crunch a new long-term breakfast contract and a promotion to Admiral on the condition that he sever his working relationship with Popeye.  This resulted in a heated physical altercation between the Cap'n and the Sailor Man in which Popeye's right eye was permanently damaged (you can still see him squinting in every picture), and the two were never seen together again. 

Horatio Crunch was subsequently demoted back to Cap'n, given command of the Guppy again and sailed off into breakfast fame.  Popeye joined the long list of military-based chicken success stories (General Tso, Colonel Sanders, that guy from the Hispanola, etc.) by settling in Louisiana and devoting his life to his new restaurant.  The rest, as they say...is history. 

1, 2, 3 Is Easier. I Can Handle That

Whoever coined the phrase “Easy as pie” obviously never made a pie

Dinner at Jeremy's tonight!  He made dessert, apparently.

Actually, no.  I haven't made a pie recently, but I have done so in the past.  Either way, here we are, nearing pumpkin pie season, having made our way through summer pie season (cherry or strawberry-rhubarb are acceptable answers), and in the heart of apple pie season (I prefer Granny Smith apples for baking, but your mileage may vary).    Regardless of the season, it would seem, pie is involved.  So it's important to be able to make pies, or at the very least, eat them. 

In case you are caught unawares, making a pie is a pain in the buns.


Who's making buns?  I thought we were talking about pie.  


I suppose you can go with the new-fangled lazy approach and buy a pie crust, buy a can of pie filling, dump one into the other (the order matters here, people), and call it home-made pie, but that's not only the easy way out, but it's also too modern.  The phrase "Easy as pie" has been around since the last 1800s, long before the advent of pre-made or frozen pie crusts.  So I have no idea who it was that thought pie was easy, or why they thought that.  What I do know is that they've never made pie.

Pie is hard, folks.  You have to mix up all the ingredients to form a dough, then roll out the dough into the top and bottom crusts (not always applicable, since a Pumpkin pie usually has no upper crust, but you get the idea), mix up your filling, which usually involves some form of cooking other than just piling fruit into a bowl, transfer your crust into a pie pan without breaking it, loading the filling into the crusted pan, transferring the second crust (sometimes involving weaving....I've totally done that, too), trimming and crimping edges, baking, wrapping the crust edges with foil to prevent burning, and then finally, you get to the eating.  This is a lot of work.  Sure, most of the time it's totally worth it (seriously...who's ever had a really bad piece of pie?), but it's anything but easy.  Sadly, I'm forced to Call Bunk on things being as easy as pie.  

If It Said "Get Well Soon" I'd Feel Really Bad

A very special Happy Birthday to whoever’s mylar balloon landed on my deck last night

The odds of that person reading this right now are pretty slim.

While that may be true, on the off chance that I can brighten somebody's day, I'm taking this opportunity to extend a birthday wish.   

So, here I am this morning, getting ready for work, as I am wont to do, and I notice a string going across part of my deck.  As it turns out, it was attached to a balloon which said "Happy Birthday."  I don't know anyone upwind from me who's had a birthday recently, and there was no name and address attached to the string, so I'm pretty much at a loss in terms of who it belongs to.  All I know is that their birthday celebration included at least one mylar balloon.  

I'm assuming there was more involved, but one can never judge.  

So, I guess my plan for this balloon is to hold on to it for a couple days to see if anyone shows up to claim it, and if not, I'll dispose of it humanely.  Just seems like a waste of a perfectly good, though somewhat flat, balloon.  Happy Belated Birthday! 

I Don't Know Of Any Song Using Krang's Name

I heard a song not long ago saying I’d better be ready to Rock Steady.  What about Bebop?

I would suggest that you always be ready to both Rock Steady and Bebop.  That way, regardless of the situation you find yourself in, you'll be prepared.  

So today's Sametime Status comes to you courtesy of the song "Rocksteady" by Marc Broussard.  I'd never heard it until recently, and didn't really think all that much of it.  Apparently, it was released in 2004, so that doesn't say a lot for me, either.  

Regardless, the song was very adamant that I be prepared to Rock Steady when Mr. Broussard showed up.  I'm not entirely clear as to why, but that's neither here nor there.  In theory, it should have made me think about how I would go about Rocking Steady, but as is often the case, I started thinking about cartoons.  

See, Rocksteady was a character in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles universe of comics, cartoons, movies, and merchandise.  He was your standard, run of the mill street thug before being turned into a mutant rhinoceros street thug by Shredder.  He was always in the company of Bebop, also a street thug turned mutant warthog.  If Shredder was thinking properly, he would have turned one of them into a Honey Badger, but I digress again.  I was saddened by the fact that though Rocksteady was a primary subject of this song I was hearing, Bebop was nowhere to be found.  

So, Jeremy has decided to give all of you the rest of the week off to watch cartoons or whatever.  He'll be on vacation until monday.  As such, Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office tomorrrow, returning on 11/18.  Have a good weekend, everybody!

My Only Problem With The Show

So the primary species on Melmac looks like ALF, but cats evolved to be exactly the same as they are on earth

One more beloved TV show from everybody's past crapped all over by Jeremy.  Why does it have to be like this?   

It's just how the world works.  Lucky you!

So anyway, ALF was a sitcom from back in the late 80's.  It starred a puppet as alien Gordon Shumway who crash landed on top of the house of the Tanner family.  The family subsequently had to hide him from the government and their nosey neighbors while teaching him all about life, love, and culture here on earth.  

Despite the fact that the family knew his name was Gordon Shumway, they persisted in calling him "ALF" which was an acronym for "Alien Life Form" first introduced by family patriarch Willie Tanner in the first episode.  Seems an awful lot like getting a new puppy, naming him "Phydeaux" and referring to him as "Dog" for the rest of his life. 

Despite the fact that Gordon grew up on a planet multiple light years from earth (named Melmac, though the planet is said to have been destroyed in a nuclear war), and having myriad physical and philosophical differences from humans, a remarkably illogical number of similarities existed between the two species.  Melackians had pianos, a version of baseball, a standard currency, similar indoor plumbing fixtures, personal address through a given name and surname, and somehow were able to speak English (I don't know if this was ever canonically explained, but I don't care, it's ridiculous).  

 In addition, Melmackians had domesticated cats.  Their roles in society were completely different, as cats were similar to cows on Melmac, primarily used as food, but basically the same species.  So much so that Gordon was able to instantly recognize the Tanner family cat as a cat and proceed to try to eat him at every opportunity...to hilarious effect, of course.  This seems strange.  It's Well Documented that Melmac has a purple sun, among other planetary differences.  If we assume for a moment that traditional cats were not native only to earth (and transported within the last 9000 years as the current domesticated species), we're supposed to assume that life evolved on planet Melmac entirely differently for humanoids (resulting in an ALF-looking species) than it did for felines?  

By the way, this Blag is written by a scientist, so we believe in evolution here.  Sorry if this offends you.  

I'm forced to Call Bunk on Melmackian cats.  Thousands upon thousands of different species have existed, evolved, and maybe even become extinct here on earth, and the ones that have remained are here through unbelievably remote odds.  To believe that even one species could possibly progress in the same manner on two different planets with striking physical differences over millions of years of evolution is just too much of a reach for me.  Sorry, Gordon. 

Is It for Temperature Control?

How much do you have to love football to be the guy on Sunday squirting water into the players’ mouths?  

It would be amazing if that guy made more money than you.

He probably does, but for the good of the entire world, I certainly hope not.  

So, you've all seen this guy.  He has what has to be the worst job in the entire NFL.  He stands there on the sidelines holding a towel and two water bottles.  When players come from the field to the sidelines, he hands them the towel so they can wipe their heads, and then the players stare off into space and open their mouth while our hero squirts water into it.  That's his job.  He quirts water into people's mouths so they don't have to do it themselves.  

This is nonsense.  

These are some of the largest and most powerful athletes in the entire sporting world.  They're capable of bench pressing me.  I have to believe that their grips are strong enough to compress a water bottle enough to get a drink.  Yet, the team has a guy...presumably a paid position...who's sole job it is to squirt water at people.  It completely baffles me why the professional athletes are incapable of getting a drink of water by themselves.  I do it all the time, and I'm only am amateur. 

So, here you have a guy who I'm going to assume has his pick of what he wants to do for a living.  He chooses to work for an NFL team because he likes football.  He clearly can't be one of the players, perhaps not ready for the front office yet, got cut from the grounds-keeping crew, working his way up to being a trainer perhaps...and the only job left for him is water boy.  He sticks it out, just so he can say he works for an NFL team and gets his 2 1/2 seconds of air time on national TV when he's squirting water into a star player's mouth.  I can't imagine what it is about this job that keeps this guy coming back week after week.  The only thing that could even begin to explain it is a deep-seeded love of football and the chance to get into the games for free every weekend.  

You Came Here. This Is Your Fault

What do you get when you fill a sock with bass wind instruments made out of potatoes?

Jeremy...we've talked about this.

And based on that discussion, I decided to go with this as my Sametime Status today.  

 

But, the readers deserve better than this.

The readers, who are good and wonderful people, know what they're getting into when they come here.  This is exactly the kind of thing they come here for!

And they're going to stop if you go ahead with this, you know that, right?

Nah.  They're love me all the more for it.

You are completely delusional.  Seriously....I'm begging you not to finish this joke.

I'm going to.

Fine...don't say I didn't warn you.  So, Jeremy...what DO you get when you fill a sock with bass wind instruments made out of potatoes?

A Tube of Tuber Tubas! 

I'm leaving.

Have a good weekend, everybody!    

Vote Jeremy in 2028!!!

The 2013 campaign season is mercifully behind us.  In unrelated news, campaigning for the 2014 elections is in full swing!

I don't know if we can really fully embrace the 2014 elections just yet.  We need a good solid week or two of analysis from the 2013 elections first.

Very true, but so much of that analysis will consist of the implications the 2013 elections are going to have on the 2014 elections.  Two sides of the same coin, perhaps. 

Or the same side of two different coins, if Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are to be believed.   

So what we now have are inane gasbags who are going to sit around on TV and talk about other inane gasbags who just got elected to do nothing but sit around and argue about why they should get re-elected next time.  It's a vicious circle, really.  The really amusing part about this particular election is how everybody is claiming victory, which you wouldn't think to be the case.

So there's this Governor who got re-elected in a walk.  It was actually terrific that the polls closed at 8PM Tuesday night, and at 8:02, with 0% of the vote counted, CNN declared a winner.  He won the election, but the other side also said that they won because the guy who actually won is closer to their ideology than other people from the governor's party.  

Another race for governor in a different state had a very different outcome.  Early polls suggested that one of the candidates would win in a landslide, if lots of people turned out to vote.  Roughly 25% of the population actually voted, and the guy won a close race.  The other candidate declared victory because the race was closer than it might have been, which means the other guy's policies are all wrong.  

Either way, all of these elected "leaders" will now go around campaigning for their next election every time a TV camera is trained on them.  We'll get to hear lots and lots about how the other side is destroying the country and how the only way we can avoid a disastrous fate is to vote for one party over the other.  Basically, business as usual, which means that this election...like the last many elections, and the next one...didn't change a thing.  Please prove me wrong. 

Just One Deeply Concerned Citizen

There was an awful lot of road construction in Georgia between 1979 and 1985.  Hopefully, they've got that all sorted out by now

Can I safely assume that you looked up construction project plans from Georgia for the time period in question?  

You absolutely can not.

In that case, I somewhat hesitate to ask how you drew this conclusion.

Well, if you remember Not Too Long Ago, I had a Sametime Status that had to do with the theme song to the old TV show "The Dukes of Hazzard."  Well, as is often the case, once my mind gets its little claws wrapped around something, I end up watching a bunch of Youtube videos about it.  

I would hope there's some form of therapy or a support group for this problem of yours.

What I came to learn is that there are no roads in Hazzard County Georgia.  There's one little town which may or may not be called "Hazzard" and that has a little bit of pavement, but the roads seem to be about 50 feet long, enough for a car to be forced to drift around corners before driving off into the countryside on dirt roads.  

The odd thing about all of these dirt roads is that they're constantly under construction.  Everywhere people drive at remarkably high speeds, they're faced with construction crews with large piles of dirt placed directly in the road.  With a single flagman positioned on one side of the construction, and only about 5 feet in front of the dirt pile (which is nowhere near enough of a buffer), this provides a remarkably unsafe work zone, and leads to cars running into these unfortunately placed piles and becoming airborne.  After one incident like this, you'd think there would be an investigation into how to make these work zones safer for the workers and the general public, but it seems like there never was, as this issue kept on happening for 6 years.  The Hazzard County Department of Public Works should really be investigated for allowing this sort of, dare I quip, hazardous work environment to continue.  

There's also the issue of the crumbling infrastructure throughout the county.  The sheer number of bridges that are "out" all over the place is staggering, causing people to resort to jumping their cars over rivers, streams, gulleys, farm houses, and ponds.  Why there was ever a bridge over a pond in the first place is anyone's guess, and only serves as a further indictment of Hazzard Country's poor town planning.  Where these bridges have been destroyed, there are never any signs posted as a warning, nor are the roads blocked off in any way, endangering the public some more.  In addition to the poor bridge maintenance, the maintenance of the dirt roads themselves leaves plenty to be desired.  Many of the roads seem to have large dips in them sufficient for causing cars to leave the road surface and once again become airborne.  Other roads have large patches of shrubbery overgrowing the roadway.  It probably comes as no surprise to you at this point that these shrubberies are readily run over by cars traveling at high speeds causing two or more of the car's wheels to leave the road surface, causing the car to either tip over (occasionally only tip to one side, riding on two wheels until the driver can rectify the situation), or leave the road surface entirely.  

After 1985, I stopped paying much attention to the goings on in Hazzard County, so I'm not sure whether any or all of these problems have been resolved.  For the sake of the county's residents, I certainly hope they have.  It sounds like an awfully dangerous place to live.  

For those interested in doing your own research into these issues, please consult This Resource. 

His Nickname Is Probably "Tiny"

In an amusing bit of irony, a football player named Incognito is the subject of a lot of news headlines

Incognito:  adjective.  Having one's identity concealed, as under an assumed name, especially to avoid notice or formal attentions.  I'd say having your name and picture splattered all over CNN and ESPN is the opposite of that. 

Football suffers from sharing the bulk of its playing season with Hockey, as you can well imagine.  That said, for the most part, football is played one day out of the week, and the other six, we can pretty safely ignore it.  The NFL tries to make it more relevant by having games on Thursday (which everybody hates) and monday (which nobody stays awake long enough to watch).  But you can't argue the fact that football is relevant that one day out of the week, so we can talk about it here for a bit.  

Apparently, it's become news that football players can be mean to each other.  Nowhere is this worse than in Miami, where one of the team's players has been suspended from the team for "conduct detrimental to the team" which by and large consists of being too mean to the rookies.  

To be clear, Jeremy is by no means condoning or marginalizing the topic of bullying.  He's using hyperbole to make a joke.  This message especially goes out to all of the very large football players who may be offended by this.  

The part of this story that's actually amusing is that the guy who got suspended is named "Incognito," and he's doing a remarkably poor job avoiding notice or formal attentions.  Perhaps if he kept a lower key, none of this would be an issue. 

I'm Not Planning On Leaving My Job At The Moment

Silly CCR.  You can’t roll on a river, you have to float

Well, if the Proud Mary was one of those floating casinos, you could roll dice while on the river, thereby validating the lyrics a little bit.

So today's Sametime Status concerns the classic CCR song "Proud Mary" which repeats the phrase "Rollin'...Rollin'...Rollin' on the river."  The song, I guess, is about a boat, and I've always assumed that it had nothing to do with gambling.  Here are some fun facts about this song:

• John Fogerty had never been east of Montana by the time this song, from the album "Bayou Country."

Despite the fact that the song consists of roughly one chord (The bridge changes, but that's about it), Fogerty claims to have been inspired by Beethoven's 5th syphony.

The song has since been covered over 100 times.  Some Of Which are significantly better Than Others.

BOO! Hahaha....Nailed It

“I Am In The Office”

Well, I can't say this is the most original Sametime Status you've ever come up with.  I also can't say it's the worst.  

Well, strictly speaking, it's my Sametime Status's Halloween costume.  It's going as a standard, boring Sametime Status.

I would like to amend my previous opinion.  This is also not the worst Halloween costume you've come up with.  Remember that time you wore a green shirt and put a flashlight on your head to go as the Green Lantern?

That was funny!

Or that time you drew an H on your forehead and said you were Arnold Rimmer's hologram from Red Dwarf?

Also hilarious!  I really fail to see your point.  Happy Halloween, everybody!       

Stupid, Stupid Jeremy!

No, I’m not the Jeremy from those cell phone commercials

That's too bad.  I always like when you get publicly shamed on national television.  

Any how many times has that happened?

Just the once, as far as I know.

Wait, what?  

Anyway, I've Mentioned Before about how some people named Jeremy give the rest of us Jeremys a bad name.  They cause people to yell at them by doing stupid and/or obnoxious things in public.  Well, now, T-Mobile has gone too far and made the subject of their Nationally Televised Ridicule a chump named Jeremy.  Apparently, this other Jeremy (who I'm assuming is entirely fictitious) is traipsing around Europe ringing up huge cell phone bills because he doesn't have the right carrier.  

Well, let me assure you that I've been to Europe.  Several times.  And let me also assure you that prior to going there, I did a little research on whether or not my phone would even work on their cell networks, let alone whether there would be additional charges.  I'm smart like that.  As a result, I incurred precisely zero extra fees on my cell phone bill during my travels.  Not like that other Jeremy...jerk.  

So feel free to stop asking me if I'm that idiot Jeremy who doesn't know how to read a cell phone coverage map.  I'm a little better than that, thank you very much.   

There Was A Stalker Named Subzero In The Movie

Stephen King has apparently retired from writing and now plays goalie for the Edmonton Oilers

Wait...Stephen King doing something that doesn't involve the state of Maine?  This seems unlikely.  

So let's leave Stephen King alone for just a moment and talk about another writer by the name of Richard Bachman.  Bachman is an accomplished horror fiction writer, with such works as "Thinner," "The Running Man" (Later made into an action blockbuster starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, though the movie had precious little to do with the book, but I digress), and "Blaze."  Bachman was thought to have died of cancer shortly after "Thinner" was published in 1984, but two additional manuscripts were found and published posthumously in 1996 and 2007. 

Richard Bachman was Stephen King.  Most people know this, but since 52% Of People Think Lasers Work By Focusing Sound Waves, I take nothing for granted.  At the time of "Thinner"'s publication, an astute book reviewer noted similarities between King's and Bachman's writing style, and was granted an interview by King himself who revealed his pen name.  The prevailing theory of the time was that a publisher would only release one book per year per author so as to not saturate the literary market with one author's work.  This has since been widely debunked, but it was the feeling at the time.  King wrote as himself and as Bachman as a way to skirt this issue, to at least some success.  The official cause of death for Bachman was listed by the Washington Post as "cancer of the pseudonym."  King chose the name Bachman because the song "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman Turner Overdrive was playing when he was asked to choose his nom de plume.  True story. 

So I told you that story so I can tell you this story.  Richard Bachman is also the name of an ice hockey goaltender.  He had played a toal of 19 games for the Dallas Stars prior to this season, and I had never heard of him.  He signed with the Edmonton Oilers this past off-season and made his Oilers debut last night against the LA Kings.  I was listening to the game on the radio and was forced to laugh every time they mentioned the name "Richard Bachman."  It made me think Stephen King had suited up for the Oilers and something really really bad was about to happen to the Kings. 

May The Force Be With You While You Live Long And Prosper

My idea for Star Wars - Episode IX: End scene, roll credits, fade in to Spock waking up in his quarters and saying, “Woah, I just had the worst dream…”  Fade to black 

I would almost agree that this is a good idea, in a nerd trolling sort of way, but I'm afraid that there would be riots.  There are probably already going to angry emails sent your direction.

I should be a screenwriter.  My book and movie ideas would sell millions, if only for the pure hatred of the concepts.  A while back, I came up with my idea for the end of the Harry Potter series in which the whole show comes to a very abrupt end with Voldemort killing Harry and taking over the magical world.  Imagine that...nearly 7 books and untold billions of dollars invested in a series, movies that had already been cast and had directors hired before the final book ever came out...and it all ends with on incredibly short prank ending.  People had already devoted their lives to the series, only to have the rug pulled out from under them in one glorious swoop.  There would have been massive panic in the streets outside of my house, but I'd be living someplace far away in my incredibly giant mansion, laughing all the way to the bank.  

J.J. Abrams is in a rather unique position to do something just as bold and shocking.  We all know that geekdom is highly segregated between the Star Wars fans and the Star Trek fans.  Both are multi billion dollar franchises, both function entirely on their own merits, but ask any nerd to compare the two, and their answer will be one sided and more emotional than you're expecting (Heaven help you if you search the internet for which ship would win a battle between the Enterprise and the Millennium Falcon).  Star Trek recently saw its universe rebooted with the 2009 film (with one sequel released and at least one more to come), and recent buzz surrounds the upcoming Star Wars sequel trilogy, episodes 7, 8, and 9, due to start being dumped on us in 2015.  Quite honestly, nobody needs more of either series.  Right around the time Lone Star married Princess Vespa, Captain Kirk met God, and Jar Jar Binks showed up, we all knew we'd reached the end of what could reasonably be expected.  Yet, here we are, with more movies planned, and more money about to be shoveled towards Hollywood for producing roughly nothing new.  Not all that long ago, when it was announced that J.J. Abrams would be directing Star Wars, Episode VII, hot on the heels of his directing the new Star Trek movies, I thought the world was going to implode.  How could the universe expect these two series to coexist under one director?  

Well, since there is plenty of speculation about the plots and characters of the upcoming Star Wars sequels, I thought I'd put in my two cents (Considerably more after I'm granted writing credit and royalties).  I think it would be Genius if the Star Wars series would end as a nightmare in the mind of Spock.  It's not such a bad thing, since it's not as if the Star Wars series has any integrity left anyway...not after Episodes 1-3.  They've already rendered the entire series unwatchable, so why not go out with a controversy for the ages?  

I chose Spock for one very important reason...recognizability.  Since the reboot, the image of Captain Kirk has changed enough going from William Shatner to Chris Pine that he might not be immediately recognized.  But Zach Quinto looks enough like Leonard Nimoy that, especially with the iconic pointy Vulcan ears, the character of Spock will be unmistakable for anyone who has ever watched Science Fiction.  It just makes sense.  

It would be as if millions of nerdy voices all cried out at once, and they'd never be silenced again.  J.J. Abrams and I can then laugh all the way to the bank.  

More Than You Wanted To Know

Somebody may now explain to me why I have the theme song to Disney’s “Bonkers” stuck in my head

 


If you actually think anybody here is going to explain what's going on in your head, I have some really bad news for you....


So, Bonkers was a Disney cartoon that ran back in the mid 90's about a cartoon character who was pushed out of the cartoon business and ended up with a job as a police officer in a place called "Toon Town."  If this sounds like a bit of a cross between several Warner Brothers characters of the same era (Yakko, Wakko, and Dot mized with Slappy Squirrel), well, a case could be made that you're right.  There is also plenty of resemblance to the film "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" which came out 5 years earlier.  Generally speaking, the whole premise of the show was nothing unique at the time. 

Regardless, this cartoon was a major divergence from Disney's usual brand of cartoon into the more off-the-wall slapstick type of humor that Warner Brothers had been putting out very successfully for many years.  (See: Bunny, Bugs)  Only problem with this is that while this type of cartoon is right in WB's wheelhouse, Disney wasn't particularly good at it.  Overall, the show fell pretty flat and lasted the standard 65 episode limit of many Disney shows before Bonkers D. Bobcat was retired for good. 

As is also typical of Disney's cartoons, much effort was put into the Opening Theme Song.  (See, Rescue Rangers, Gargolyes, Darkwing Duck)  The result was arguably the best part of the show.  While this is all well and good...I have no explanation for why it's been in my head lately.