Call Me Kal-El

With great power comes great responsibility.  With regular power comes Internet

Ladies and Gentlemen, Jeremy has returned from his little Sandy-related hiatus.  The Internets are a better place.

Thank you.  It's good to be back!  So as you're aware, unless you live in a cave somewhere other than the eastern seaboard, there was a bit of a hurricane that came through the Greater Jeremy Area, which knocked out my power for about 23 hours.  I would whine about it, but I've been camping so a lack of power is no big deal, and there are people who got much worse hands dealt to them by Sandy, so all in all, things went well.  I decided to get back to what I do best...or like...third or fourth best, maybe...making jokes!  

Today's joke deals with Spiderman, and works on many, many levels.  See, you have the play on a famous catch phrase, the storytelling of my lack of electricity, the juxtaposition of two different denotations of the word "power," the fact that I got to use the word "juxtaposition," and the antithesis between "Responsibility" and "Internet." 

Yes, the Internet is a place of a lack of responsibility.  People hide behind apparent anonymity to do all sorts of untold things.  There's your basic Trolling, there's comments on Youtube, 4chan, piracy, and Twitter.  Nobody thinks of any sort of responsibility for things they do online...unless you're a mildly popular Blogger who posts his Sametime Statuses on a webpage. 

There's Something About Dragons, Too

I don’t know if Winter is coming, but a hurricane certainly is

Batten down the hatches, everybody!  It's Sandy Time!

Yosemite Sandy?

Very few people will get that reference, but go on.

So as you may have heard, there is a major hurricane bearing down on the Greater Jeremy Area.  All of us here at Jeremy Is In The Office encourage you to stay safe and dry while this thing runs its course.  We also encourage you to pass the time by making lots of stupid jokes and pop-culture references.  

Today, I chose "Game Of Thrones" as my pop-culture reference of choice, even though I don't actually like the show, nor have I read any of the books.  I tried.  I really did.  I watched a full season and a half of the TV show trying to figure out why it was the greatest show on TV before I decided that I just didn't get it and gave up.  There are just so many characters that they thrust on you too quickly that you can't really figure out who anybody is or what their purpose in the overall plot is supposed to be before they get killed.  And they do get killed...all of them.  Another key theme in the show (and presumably the books) is that Winter is coming.  I don't know if Winter ever actually gets there (I'm told it should in Season 3 or 4), but I'm sick of waiting around for it.  All I know is that everybody goes around saying "Winter is coming" far more than anyone really should.  They really need better smalltalk.  

Do The Tau Neutrino, Everybody!

Of all the sub-atomic particles, why is the Neutron the only one that gets its own dance?  

Jeremy is, of course, referring to the Pointer Sisters' 1984 smash hit "Neutron Dance."  Jeremy also, of course, didn't do any of the appropriate legwork to find out if there is in fact another dance out there named after a sub-atomic particle. 

While I'll certainly grant that there have been new particles theorized and discovered since 1984, I'm pretty sure nobody's named a jaunty popular song after one.  Of course, more recent science, including advanced particle colliders and the CERN Large Hadron Collider have expanded our understanding of sub-atomic composition and given us many new particles to choose from.

Specifically, there are now 6 different types of Quarks (including "Strange), six different Leptons, Gauge Bosons, Photons, Gluons, and of course, the ever-elusive Higgs Boson.  

Heck...even the Neutron itself isn't just a Neutron anymore.  But I certainly can't imagine the Pointer Sisters or anyone else remaking the song as the "One Up Quark, Two Down Quarks Dance."  That would be rhythmically challenging. 

Life's A Witch

“You’re a spreadsheet wizard, Jeremy.”  - Nobody from Hogwarts

It would be interesting if there was a magic school for computer stuff 

It's called school.  They teach technology now.  

So what are you going on about here then?

My job often involves working with computers and technology.  I'm awesome at it.  Well...most times.   

Anyway, one of my areas of expertise is in working with Microsoft Office documents, such as Word files and Excel spreadsheets.  Not just writing stuff and making pretty charts, but I've become quite fluent in formulas, pivot tables, sorting, searching, forms, and the occasional custom macro.  Not long ago, I got an email that contained another engineer's version of a spreadsheet, along with the caveat, "I'm not a spreadsheet wizard," despite the fact that the formulas and protection scheme used in the spreadsheet were totally top shelf.  There were still improvements to be made.

I thought to myself, "Well, fortunately, I AM a spreadsheet wizard!" and proceeded to modify the sheet to do what the other engineer wanted it to, but didn't quite know how.  The end result was a spreadsheet that was more or less exactly what our collective team needed, in a format that is user friendly for both us and our suppliers, consistent across the entire team, and keeps our information secure.  Win-Win-Win!  Unfortunately, there have been no owls from Hogwarts around to bring my acceptance letter. 

Like Fun You Don't!

You just don’t hear the word “roustabout” anymore

Ladies and Gentlemen, the day you've been waiting for has finally arrived.  Jeremy has quit his job and is running away with the circus.  We'll see what comes of the Blag now...I imagine you'll update us from the road?

Uhm...no.  

So no more updates?  

Wait, what?  No...I'm not joining the circus.  I'm staying right here and providing the wholesome family entertainment you've come to know and love.

One out of two isn't bad, I guess...

Anyway...

So my newest Audio Book is a novel written by somebody, recently made into a major motion picture directed by somebody else.  It's called "Water For Elephants" and I'm told it's good.  I have no idea what it's about, so don't tell me.  I'll find out for myself over the next 15 hours or so of driving time.   

I found it amusing that the first chapter contained the word "Roustabout" and that led us here.     

This Actually Happened

I’m probably on some government list now that I had a box labeled “Pandemic Shipper” sent to my house

I don't know you.  I had nothing to do with this.  I want to talk to my lawyer.  

Relax, it was perfectly innocent.  It's just interesting to me that the post office would allow something like this, and maybe even moreso that the people who sent it didn't think this through any more than they did.  Here's my story:

It was time to do a little shopping on the internets.  Yeah, I know...shop local and all that, but...eh.  One of the things that I decided to buy was a board game recently made famous on the web series Table Top, celebrity board gaming with Wil Wheaton, called "Pandemic."  The game looked amazing, and dealt with something that is near and dear to me, global disease pandemics, such as Bird Flu.  As a noted Bird Flu activist, I took the moral high-road and purchased the game so I can continue to spread the message of Bird Flu awareness through fun and cooperative team building.  It really was a no brainer, and probably something I should have waited for and just told somebody else to buy me for Christmas, but again...eh.  

I purchased the game from a noted online retailer that for strictly Blag purposes, we'll call "SouthAmericanRiver Dot Com."  One of the things that makes SouthAmericanRiver so appealing is the fact that if you spend enough money, they'll ship your stuff to you for free.  The game plus the couple other things I bought with the same order were plenty to put me over the free-shipping threshold...this is good!  In order to minimize their shipping costs, the retailer piled all three items into one box, which is no big deal, but in some cases may lead to damage to occur, since the items were all different sizes.  To minimize this possibility, the board game was initially placed into its own customized box before being loaded into the final packaging.  This customized box was boldly labelled "Pandemic Shipper."

Assuming the fine folks at SouthAmericanRiver didn't know precisely what was in the smaller custom box, they would have sat there gleefully loading a box called "Pandemic Shipper" into the outgoing mail.  I wonder what was going through their mind when they sent this out, and if the post office was aware of the labeling and are now monitoring my email and Blag to see if I'm sending deadly diseases to random people.  I'm really not.  I'm just playing a game!

Not Like A "Fresher"

What exactly are crackers supposed to crack anyway?

Well, if they're really really old, they can probably do a good job cracking your teeth.  


Today's Sametime Status is just one of those things that goes kicking around in my head on occasion.  Fortunately for all of you, I actually remembered it and shared it with all of you in jaunty Sametime Status form.  You are welcome.


Incidentally, you were informed that you have to write about V-Y Day.


So it is.  For those handful of you left in the world who still care about baseball, yesterday was the greatest of all days.  Yes, kids...Victory over the Yankees.  The greatest band of high-priced mercenaries money can buy falls short once again, and the world couldn't be happier.  Of course, all of the news on the internets is about how the Evil Empire lost and not how Detroit beat the living snot out of them and are the team who's actually moving on to the World Series.  There are also plenty of stories about what's going to become of the steroid-withdrawn Alex Rodriguez and his incredibly ridiculous contract.  The articles keep talking about trading him to some other team as if anyone else in baseball is willing and/or able to pay a failing, breaking-down prima-donna 30 million dollars a year for average results.  This is, of course, a microcosm of everything that is wrong with baseball as a business, and the reason I no longer care.


You care enough to write a little one-paragraph rant.


I was coerced.  It happens.        

Can I? Really?

That wasn’t my friend on the radio this morning

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was the local Congresswoman.  


This isn't another political rant, don't worry.  Anyway...is it just me...


A thousand times, yes.  It's just you.  It's always just you.


...but the local morning radio show often features a lot of local callers telling stories and jokes along with the hosts.  The hosts will announce the caller's name before giving them the airtime to speak.  Many times, the caller will have the same first name as a friend of mine.  It causes me to become a little excited, anticipating hearing my friend on the radio.  Not that being on the radio is all that special anymore...I mean, the trendy thing to do now is to get your own Deplorable Reality TV Show.  Anyway, my moment of anxious anticipation is always deflated when some other voice comes over the airwaves.

I can't be the only one who has this thought.     

Don't Vacuum Them. Trust Me On This One

Seems fitting that I found a Stinkbug in my shoe

Hahaha...Jeremy's feet stink!

As you may know, Stink Bugs are frickin' annoying.  Strictly speaking, I'm referring to the Brown Marmorated Stink Bug, as seen and learned about Here.  

Like most people in the Greater Jeremy Area, my house becomes an ersatz home for these incredibly stupid bugs right around this time each year.  I wish they would stop, but since there are no natural predators around for the things, I don't think that's going to happen.  One of the more interesting things I've discovered recently about these bugs is the proper way to remove them.  

See, most bugs that invade your house are dealt with using a flyswatter (electric or otherwise), or a tissue.  The insect gets smushed and promptly disposed of, often using a "Burial At Sea" method.  

Go ahead and think about that for a second.

The problem with this, as it relates to Stinkbugs, is that is you squash a Stinkbug, well...it stinks.  Quite literally.  It releases a foul smelling compound into the air which the bug normally uses as a defense mechanism.  Here's the problem.  Not only does it have an awful smell, but that compound also contains Stinkbug pheromones which attract more Stinkbugs.  The best way to deal with these bugs is to use a method that eliminates the emission of the stink.  That method is drowning.  Not making this up.  The procedure is as follows:  You fill a disposable plastic container, like one that originally contained Ham, with water and a few drops of dishwashing detergent.  You hold the bucket underneath a Stinkbug and watch the fun.  The bug will be spooked and try to fly away, but since the things are so stupid and aerodynamically lousy, they'll simply fall down into the water.  The soap acts as a surfactant, so the bug can't float, and it will drown.  The water dissipates the smelly stuff, so there's no residual odor, and the pheromones are contained. 

If that fails, and one gets away and decides to live in your gym shoe, the problem will take care of itself when you squash it the next time you put the shoe on.  Chances are good that you're not overly concerned about the smell of your gym shoes anyway. 

Spekaing Of Fragile

I have to chuckle when Offspring’s song “The Kids Aren’t Alright” gets to the line about “Shattered Dreams.”  It makes me think of pro wrestling.

That song isn't about wrestling, you know.

Oh, I know.  And it's not that I find shattered dreams to be inherently funny, since it's usually a fairly tragic thing, but the phrase does have a bit of a double meaning.  Let me illustrate.  

While the song isn't particularly cheerful, with references to drug abuse, poverty, and extreme depression, it has the standard upbeat tempo and same chord progression used in every Offspring song ever recorded, so it at least seems energetic and happy.  The lyrics include the phrase "Hard to see; Fragile lives; Shattered dreams."  Not something that would normally lead one to chuckle about its meaning.  

That said, there is the pro wrestling aspect to the phrase "Shattered Dreams."  One of the most popular and recognizable aspects of pro wrestling is the "finishing move" in which one wrestler ends the match by applying a particularly spectacular and devastating move.  This often involves Spinning, Jumping Off A Rope, or Dropping somebody on their Head.  There are many variations.  One of the most recognizable finishing movies in the history of pro wrestling is known as the "Shattered Dreams," and was performed by the wrestler "Goldust."  While it was a remarkably popular and effective maneuver to apply, it was entirely illegal as determined by the wrestling governing body to which Goldust belonged.  As such, it could only be applied during "No holds barred" type matches, or when the referee's back was turned, which happens conspicuously often in pro wrestling matches.  Anyway, Here's A Clip of the "Shattered Dreams" being applied to an opponent.  You'll see both why it's illegal as well as why it amuses me when the phrase is brought up out of context. 

I Also Miss Intelligence

I miss Yul Brynner, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera

Okay, I'm a voice in Jeremy's head, and even I have no idea what this is all about.

Funny you mention my Head, since today's Sametime Status celebrates the fact that tomorrow is National Chess Day!

Oh dear God, you made a connection that remote?  This is a stretch even for you.


I sure did, and it sure is.  So, as you may or may not be aware, (even though I mentioned it here once before, but I can't be bothered to look it up) the song "One Night In Bangkok" was originally recorded for the musical "Chess."

It was sung by Murray Head.

It includes the phrase "...a show with everything but Yul Brynner."

Yul Brynner died in 1985.

Yul Brynner's catch phrase from the movie "The King And I" was "et cetera, et cetera, et cetera." 

Many people will be confused by what "et cetera" means because they pronounce it "excetera" and won't recognize the words. 

Learning! 

Everybody Likes Parfaits

Today’s date is 10/11/12.  This won’t happen again for another 14,237 years or something

Close...it's like 100 years.  

And that's if you only write dates in the bizarre American fashion.  If you go with the rest of the world, who put the day before the month, it'll happen again in just under a month.  

Anyway, this is another one in my series of mini-rants about people who like to point out little quirks in the date, like when all the numbers line up or the like.  In fact, at precisely 7:89 PM tonight, the date could be written as 7:8:9:10:11:12.  How exciting is that?

Not very exciting when you notice one thing about that, but I guess that's beside the point.

  

Right!  So here we are celebrating another arbitrary calendar day.  I think this calls for ice cream. 

I Wrote This From My Office

Telecommuting has its ups and downs

But your house has no elevators.  Think about that.

So this morning was telecommute day for Jeremy, as I attended to some stuff at home.  Working at home is great in that you don't have to drive anywhere, you can sleep in a little bit to account for the difference in commute time, you don't have to shower, and you can watch a little TV in the background while you work.  

Of course, there are far more distractions (the aforementioned TV being one of them if there's a particularly enthralling episode of Jerry Springer on), you feel obligated to do stuff other than work, such as laundry or dishes since you're there, and certain projects are more difficult when working remotely.  

Generally speaking, I don't really like telecommuting, but it's a necessary evil on occasion.  Daytime TV is awful, and it's really annoying to be sitting right next to your home computer which has Roller Coaster Tycoon on it when you have to be typing away on your work computer which has Microsoft Office on it.  The roller coasters will have to wait. 

You Spell It Potato, Dan Quayle Spells It Potatoe

When was the last time you heard somebody call it a “to-mah-to”?  

 If I said "Last week" it would totally ruin your gag, wouldn't it?

If that were even remotely true, yes...but since it's not, it's pretty irrelevant.  

Imagine that.  The imaginary reader of an internets blag being irrelevant.  What is the world coming to?

So, you hear the phrase all the time when comparing two similar things.  "You say tomato, I say tomato."  It doesn't come across very well in print, but the speaker uses two different pronunciations of the word "Tomato."  One being the standard "to-MAY-to" pronunciation, and the other being the very pretentious-sounding "to-MAH-to" which should be spoken while wearing a monocle and a long mustache.  It's akin to putting an extra "pe" at the end of "shop."  

Anyway, the phrase is used to indicate a similarity between two ostensibly different things, to the point where any differences that can actually be found don't matter, since the two pronunciations of "tomato" both refer to the same piece of fruit.  Yes, tomato is a fruit.  Yeah, Science!

The problem being that nobody ever uses the "to-mah-to" pronunciation.  You don't hear it...ever.  Even if you watch the Food Network all day, you won't hear it. 

What bugs me here is that when somebody uses the full phrase "You say tomayto, I say tomahto," they don't actually say "tomahto" ever...except in that phrase.  They're lying to me about what they say, yet I'm supposed to take their word on the fact that two things are the same.  They no longer have any integrity.  I miss integrity...

Try Not To Picture Newt Gingrich In A Speedo

I really had to argue with myself over watching the debate last night

And what did the two of you agree upon?


Oh, I totally didn't watch the thing.

The way I see it, political debates are really no different from sitcoms.  The characters are made up parodies of actual people, they stand up and spout of scripted lines, occasionally make fun of the other characters, and very little of what they say or do is true. 

That fully understood, I like sitcoms a lot more than political debates.  I've actually grown to enjoy spending time with those characters and I'm rarely told that they are to be hated and are destroying America.  The jokes in sitcoms are usually funnier, too. 

If you want me to watch a political debate, the best thing to do would be to broadcast it in conjunction with World Wrestling Entertainment.  Vince McMahon should totally get down on this.  At least in pro wrestling, one of the characters is a bad guy, and actually is evil.  The insults on wrestling broadcasts are far better than in a standard debate, and...let's be honest...Maria is more pleasant to look at for two hours than any politician. 

So here's what to do.  Take the two candidates, have them choose a pro wrestler as their "sponsor" for the evening, and do a broadcast where the candidates talk about about the issues with other wrestlers in between regular matches. The show culminates in a tag-team match where the candidates and their sponsors battle it out for debate supremacy.  I would totally watch, and so would millions of uneducated voters who might actually learn something. 

Darn You All To Heck!

I still darn socks, but not in the same way people used to

I'll bet you use an Overcast stitch, while the rest of the world has moved on to Blanket.  It's not too much trouble to learn the new methods, Jeremy.  

Uhm, what? 

What were you talking about?

 So not long ago, it was laundry day in the Jeremy household.  This involves the usual piles and soaps and machines and sorting and folding and putting stuff away.  Yes, I actually put the laundry away this time.  It also involved throwing socks away.  

See, I have quite a few socks As You May Be Aware, and occasionally, some of them develop holes.  One particular style of sock that I have, one that I tend to use for more physical activities, apparently sucks.  Within two cycles of laundry, two of these socks (Out of three pairs) had total blow-outs in the bottom.  While this makes life a little easier, in that I can simply combine the remaining good sock of the two pairs into one still-usable pair, I ended up throwing two others right the heck out.  

Fabulous story, Jeremy.  Wake us up, please.

So I came to remember that one word for repairing holes in fabric is to "darn" and it reminded me that "darn" is one of the words I used when I first discovered that my socks were totaled.   I believe my exact words were "Oh darn...these former piece of silk socks are full of fine holes."  Or something to that effect.  I don't remember exactly. 

I'll Pretend They Threw A Party For Me

I’ll pretend I had a comeback victory yesterday

We'll pretend we were concerned and excited over this development.  Deal?  


Today's Sametime Status is brought to you by the Sport of Kings...Fantasy Football. 


The Sport of Kings is horse racing.  Everyone knows this.


Well, I'm no good at horse racing.


You're no good at being a King, either, so I guess it all works out.


So anyway, my fantasy football team stunk the place right up this week with two exceptions.  My fantasy quarterback threw for some ridiculous number of yards and touchdowns, and my fantasy defense beat the crap out of their opponent.  They had sack and turnovers and scored a touchdown and gave up a grand total of zero points.  It was a rousing achievement.

Even with this two-player bonanza, my team trailed going into monday's game.  My opponent had used up all of his players, and I had but a lowly wide receiver left to play.  Fortunately for me, my wide receiver caught a touchdown pass in the first half and sealed the victory for my team.  Whether it sealed the victory for his team, I quite honestly have no idea....that's not important right now.