Do we leap another hour forward?

Funny...I don't feel like leaping.


That's really too bad. I leaped twice already today. It was wonderful.


So today is Leap Day, or as bosses like to call it "Bonus Day." Not because we working stiffs get bonuses today, oh no. It means that "The Man" gets another day of work out of us without paying any extra.


I leaped more before 6AM than you will all day.


Would it make you happy if I leaped out of my office when I go to get some iced tea?


I would leap for joy, so I could still be ahead.

Stephen King is a jerk

It’s Password Changing Day! My email password is no longer "ev1lcl0wnz"


Isn't it hard enough to come up with new passwords, but to have to make up fake ones to use in the Blag?


Well, yes...however, Password day is a day to be celebrated. But since most of my passwords tend to follow a formula of sorts, I can't post the actual old passwords for fear that somebody out on the Interwebz might be able to hack into my accounts. So this means I have to spend the extra 5 seconds coming up with a new fake password for your edutainment, and I maintain critical business security. It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for The Most Intelligent Readership In The World. TMIRITW, as I like to call you.


LIR is easier to pronounce.


Pretty much why I keep you around.


So clowns are evil?


Personally, I generally have no feelings about clowns one way or the other. They don't often amuse me, and I'm not a Coulrophobic. However, one of my loyal readers had a bad experience with "It" many years ago and is now scarred for life. Today's Status reflects that struggle.


So I see you have a video down here...what's this all about?


Well, in honor of the Evil Clown nature of password day, I wanted to share the Animaniacs short "Clown and Out" with you, in which Wakko's birthday party is invaded by a good-natured clown, who ends up getting the tar kicked out of him in increasingly elaborate and funny ways. It's really quite hysterical. However, it's not on Youtube, so you get a completely unrelated short which has long been one of my favourites: The Ballad of Magellan! Enjoy!

At the Deadline!

Jeremy’s Sametime Status has been traded to the Wings for a 2008 5th Round Draft Choice.


Wow....the Wings really got hosed.


So, for Those Of You who were caught unawares, yesterday was the NHL's trading deadline, and there was a giant flurry of activity...some of which may have even been useful.


Seriously...a 5th Rounder? That could have been valuable...


The Islanders managed to unload useless piece of garbage, Chris Simon onto the Wild, and the Kings actually turned J.S. Aubin into a 7th Round Draft pick...which is at least two steps forward.


The Wings didn't have like an autographed jersey or something?


Probably the most surprising news is the Maple Leafs somehow found a taker for Wade "Skillz" Belak, trading him to Florida for a 5th Round pick.


Maybe a used puck bag...if the holes had been sewn up...


The tragedy of all of this is that the Kings are still saddled with Rob Blake, and didn't manage to turn his carriage into a 1st round draft pumpkin to be named later. I guess they're stuck with only having 8 picks in the first 3 rounds of this year's draft, with a very legitimate shot at winning the #1 pick, also known as the "Stamkos Sweepstakes."


So how's come the Blag's been so late these days?


Well, two reasons. Yesterday, I had an early meeting, so I couldn't post until afterwards. Today, there was a water main break in front of my place, so I couldn't get ready for work. Unlike Some People, I can't go to work without having a shower in the morning.


Exactly why it's a fine waste of a 5th rounder...

It's like an anime convention...

Not a significant source of other nutrients.


Perhaps reading a blag isn't nutritious, but it always leaves me satisfied.


You're also biased.


I'm paid to be biased.


Anyway...today's status comes to you courtesy of the bottle of iced tea I drank this morning. And yesterday morning, for that matter.


Most mornings, it would seem.


The back of the bottle, as required by overbearing micromanagement federal government law, states the following nutrition facts, as it pertains to my tea:

• Total Fat: 0g (0%)
  
• Sodium: 0mg (0%)
  
• Total Carb.: 0g (0%)
  
• Sugars: 0g (0%)
  
• Protein: 0g (0%)
  
  
  
• Not a significant source of other nutrients.
  

Seems like pretty boring tea. Did it taste like water?


It tasted just fine...that's not the point. My issue stems from the fact that it's not a significant source of OTHER nutrients? It's not a significant source of ANY nutrients! We could have saved ourselves a whole lot of ink, if it had just stated:
"Nutrition facts: N/A"


It's a significant source of water.


Two full servings! It's also #1 in the ingredients.

Unless you really really want to!

Now remember kids, never ever place foil-wrapped invaders inside a functioning nuclear reactor.


This sounds familiar...did you use it before?


Not this particular quote, but I've used the source in a previous message.


That explains it.


This quote comes to you courtesy of Sam and Max, Freelance Police, in an episode where our heroes are attacked by beings supposedly from another world. One of the methods the Free Agent cops use to erradicate the aliens is to trick them into going inside a microwave oven, modified by Max to be a fully operational nuclear reactor.


Why did a Hyperkinetic Rabbity Thing need a nuclear reactor?


For his model train set.


Of course...

In the home office

I really don’t see how “Pfefferminz” is used to derive “Pez.”


Well, it's got all the letters...if you just leave the majority of them out.


Yeah, it doesn't make much sense, though.


Is it supposed to?


Well, yes. It was the final question at trivia last night, and it cost our team the championship, complete with valuable prizes.


Then yeah. That's pretty weak sauce.


Exactly. All of my knowledge about Coins and bad movies and TV shows gone to waste for a question that ridiculous. Oh well.


Always next time.

You and me

You know what happens when you assume, right? Your brain, in an attempt to reconcile a presumably unsolvable problem, analyzes the available data and presents what it concludes as the most likely outcome or solution.


Well, that's not the way I heard it.


Me either, but I was amused. Today's comic comes to us from the whimsical webcomic Thingpart. It's a comic about various things with no real repeating characters, but some of the comics are hysterically disturbing.


Sounds like a certain blag I know, only without the hysterical part.


Well, when I think hysterical, I think baseball.


Sounds like something you'd do...


Here's an amusing prank from Spring Training, where the Philadelphia Phillies assistant GM, Manager, and teammates set up a pretty elaborate prank to convince pitcher Kyle Kendrick that he was traded to a Japanese team. Enjoy!

Math and spelling all in one!

TWELVE PLUS ONE is an anagram for ELEVEN PLUS TWO. Spooky.


I'm going to need my calculator AND a pencil for this.


Use whatever you'd like to, but it's true. It's also true that they both add up to Thirteen, which is an Evil number. And in the immortal words of Mitch Hedberg, 12 and 14 are guilty by association.


Interesting. So what's new on the internet?


Glad you asked...although soon, you won't be. Maybe I’m a little too pessimistic, but sometimes it seems that the world gets a little bit worse every day. I’m not blaming NASCAR for all of it, but there's a little too much to be pure coincidence. Somebody out on the Intertubes decided that ordinary online dating websites just didn't cater enough to their specific need to find that special someone who's as into racing around in circles as they were. Lo and behold, a new exciting website was created so you can meet your perfect match and share the special experience of watching people drive. Ladies, Gentlemen, and people from Elmira, I present to you:

Meet Me At The Races


Awwwe....that's so sweet. Wonder if one of the descriptions you have to fill out is the number of teeth you have left.

I will stop it with the Oatmeal of Truth!

Hurry up, or the Bran Muffin of Impatience will lash out!


The "Bran Muffin of Impatience?


Well, yeah. Today's Status comes to you courtesy of Bucky Katt, star of the whimsical comic strip "Get Fuzzy". Specifically, This Past Sunday's edition in which Bucky attacks Satchel's letter tiles while playing Scrabble.


There are numerous things wrong with that comic.


Very true...but it was funny. In a disturbing sort of way.

I forget the real name

Happy "Day That You Have To Work, but Everybody Else Has Off" Day, Sucker!


Ah yes...government holidays. I love them, since I don't have to work. Too bad you do.


Yeah, yeah...I'm here at work, but it's not as bad since most of the other companies I deal with on mondays are also on vacation, so all my meetings get cancelled. Maybe I'll actually be able to do something productive.


So who won the contest?


Well, the Coinstar machine at the Shoprite says (and I guess legally, it has to be accurate) that the actual retail value of the 65 pound calamity of coins pictures in Friday's entry is.... $533.41. Woohoo!

The winner of Friday's "Guess the Value of Jeremy's Coin Collection" Guessing Game is...Nihad! Congratulations, Nihad...you will be receiving the Special Edition "Jeremy Is In The Office" Home Game, Volume 3 - Virtual Snowball Fight. Have fun!

Also, I'd like to think that there's a special place in hell reserved for the person who, in true Price Is Right tradition bid $1.

We're in the money!

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Guessing Game! Guess how much my coin collection is worth and win a prize!


You're selling off your coin collection? No nostalgia there?


Not that kind of coin collection. Perhaps you need some back information and a rare personal glimpse into my actual life...


Story Time!!!


I hate carrying change around in my pocket. So every day since I started my current job, I've had a cup on my desk which I put all of my pocket change into. When my cup runeth over, I'd empty it into a box locked safely in my desk drawer. Well, this week, when it came time to empty the cup, I couldn't pull it off, because the box in my desk was full as well. I needed a new solution.


Lousy intro, but a decent hook. Now cut to the chase...


I got a new box that would be able to transport my coin collection to one of those coin counter machines to turn it into actual money. I didn't realize quite how out of control my coin collecting had gotten. By the time I emptied my desk, car, end table, closet, and piggy bank of coins I ended up with this:
(Click for more detail)


Holy....


So here's where you come in. I'll be hauling this monstrosity to a local coin counter this weekend. (I won't tell you which one so you can't mug me) Your job is to guess what the final net value of all the coins will be. Easy! We'll be doing this "Price Is Right" Style, so the person closest to the actual retail value without going over will win the grand prize.


What's the Grand Prize?


Today's Grand Prize is not the professional Ostrich Waxer you've all been waiting for. Today, we will be giving away the "Jeremy Is In The Office" Home Game, Volume 3-Virtual Snowball Fight. Fun for the whole family!


What if I want more information?


Here's all the information I'm going to provide:

• The total volume of coinage is approximately 575 cubic inches, or 2.5 gallons.
  
• The first 4" of the lower container probably contains a lower-than-average percentage of quarters than the rest. The remainder of the coin collection should be normal.
  
• Yes, the quarter in the front counts. It was placed in the front for size reference and for sheer irony.
  
• The overall collection, with containers, weighs 65.6 pounds.
  

As always, employees and imaginary alter personas of the Blag Author are not eligible.


You say that like I have any better chance of guessing it than anybody else...


Good luck everybody!

Welcome Back, Office!

“I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin


YAAAY! Office Quote! That must mean the show is back?


Well, yes and no. As you may know (and if you didn't know, that means you didn't read the Blag yesterday, so shame on you) the Writers Guild of America voted to end their strike Tuesday night, so Hollywood was back to work yesterday, writing all of your favourite shows and movies.


Well...they also write the crap shows like that Cavemen thing.


True enough. However, since production on all of those shows had stopped at the beginning of the strike, they're a little behind on their schedule, so most shows won't be coming back for at least a month or so. Some shows won't even finish the current season, opting to wait until the start of Fall season to resume.


Well that kinda tanks. So when are we going to see the fine folks at Dunder Mifflin again?


Our paper-selling friends are among the fortunate, as they expect to have new episodes of The Office starting in late March or early April.


Finally a reason to live again!


That's kinda sad. You need a hobby. Try taking up Extreme Unicycle!

Mother Nature is still a jerk

Jeremy’s Sametime Status is on a 2-Hour Delay.


Oh that's good to know. So if I come back in 2 hours, there's going to be something better here?


Well...no. That's really just a figure of speech.


So we're stuck with this all day?


That's about the size of it.


You'd think with the writers finally ending their strike, you could have gotten a better message.


I'm giving my writers a snow day. There is a wonderful mixture of snow, rain, ice, sleet, whatever else dropping from the sky.


But you're at work.


That's right. My dedication to providing you the finest in Sametime Status edutainment is Second to None!


Happy to hear it...now how about edutaining me?


Glad to do it! Now if you're not familiar with the Fox Sports Network show "Sport Science" they basically take all kinds of high-speed video and measurements on athletes to determine just how much force is applied or how much strength is needed or where all the science goes into creating elite athletes.


Or in Roger Clemens's case, chemistry...


Well, they had an episode not long ago where somebody donated their body to science...while he was still using it. And the results are quite graphic. Gentlemen, please avert your eyes while the following video plays:

Because we care...

I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for a donut. I'll give you the money, you give me the donut...end of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend, "Don't even act like I didn't get that donut. I got the documentation right here! Oh wait, it's back home in the file…under 'D'…for donut."


Mitch is back!


That's right...today's Status comes to you courtesy of the great Mitch Hedberg. This particular line is from his first CD "Strategic Grill Locations" which was only available in stores if he took one into a store and left it there.


So using this message today...is there something behind it?


As a matter of fact there is...it's like you read my mind.


Quick read.


Apparently, it is the new "company policy" of the company that handles the microscopic cafeteria thing in my building to give receipts for every single transaction. I discovered this yesterday, while buying a bagel. I hand the cashier my money, as usual, and he types into the register...my change comes out of the little coin counter thing, and the cashier thrusts a receipt into my hand. Now I have a bagel, which I wanted, and a piece of scrap paper, which nobody wants. Located directly behind the cashier is a waste basket, filled to the brim with receipts, and roughly nothing else.

It's nice to know that in this age of environmental awareness and "green" business practices that some companies care enough about the world to fill entire waste baskets with unneccessary receipts, wasting not only the paper they're printed on, but the ink and electricity used to create them. I know it's not much, but shouldn't the prevailing message be that "Every little bit helps"? I thought so.


So what do I do?


If you work in my building, fill out one of those little comment cards they provide and tell them that they're wasting paper and time printing out reciepts for bagels. Fill out a comment card every time you go past the cafeteria...take some home and write them there. It's time for a campaign!


What are those comment cards made of?


Why do you ask?

Cursed Missed Opportunities...

Robert Smith should do a cover of Coldplay's 'Clocks', so when he sings 'Am I part of The Cure, or am I part of the disease?' I can say, "Ooo, I know this one!"


Very clever. Now, pretend I don't know who Robert Smith is and explain why this might be funny....you know...to people, unlike me, who don't know.


Uhmm....sure. Robert Smith is the front man and lead singer for British Alternative/Punk rock group "The Cure." He has been described as "pop culture's unkempt poster child of doom and gloom."

As you may have gathered from the context, the lyrics to Coldplay's song "Clocks" has the lines:

• Come out upon my seas,
  Cursed missed opportunities
  Am I a part of the cure
  Or am I part of the disease, singing...

Ahh..I get it now.


I thought you got it before.


Ummm....yeah. I did. So what else have you got for us today?


I have late-breaking news! I'm a genetic freak!


Late-breaking?


Specifically, a Recent Study has shown that all people who have Blue Eyes can be traced to a single genetic mutation that occurred 6-10 thousand years ago.


So before then...


....there were no blue eyed people. Which would render the infamous "Island of Brown-Eyed people" logic puzzle a pretty moot point.

Theme Week, Part E!

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: The End Of The World Week! The world may end on December 21 2012 due to a destruction of the earth’s magnetic field. You have 4 Years, 10 Months and 13 Days to reverse your polarity.


So I guess Superman flying backwards around the planet is going to cause this?


Close, but not quite. The working theory at one point was that a brown dwarf star existing just past the orbit of Neptune (the existance of which has since been largely debunked due to the discovery of Pluto), will have a serious effect on the severity of the Sun's 11-year sunspot cycle. So much so, that it will destroy the Earth's magnetic field, and induce what Emmanuel Velikovsky called an "ELE": an Extinction Level Event.


Interesting...so that's it?


Actually, no. This particular end of the world date is one of the most popular theories in existance today.

• Patrik Geryl predicts a pole reversal in which the North and South poles switch and cause the earth to start rotating in the opposite direction.
  
• Michael Drosnin, author of "The Bible Code," found a hidden message in the first five books in the Bible. From this, he was able to determine that a comet will crash into the earth in 2012 and annihilate all life.
  
• Kev Peacock predicts that the Sun's magnetic field will reverse, and induce a reversal of the Earth's magnetic field. This will cause massive geothermal and tectonic catastrophes. Apparently, this will also cause the Lost City of Atlanta Atlantis to resurface.
  
• Vijay Kumar predicts that World War III is most likely to happen in 2012. This will be followed by a permanent state of spiritual elevation. He states that "Beyond 2012 it shall only be harmony and peace all over." It will be called "the golden period." Bhagwan Kalki, a spiritual master of the highest order, will deliver humanity from today's ills. Good to know.
  
• Lastly, ancient Mayan calendars predicted a "Great Cycle of the Long Count" of 13 Baktuns or 5,125.36 years. Many interpreters believe that the Mayans expected that the universe would last precisely that length of time. That is, they anticipated the end of the world at 13.0.0.0.0 in their notation. This is the Winter Solstice, 2012.
  

Well, that seems pretty definitive. It was nice knowing you.


Same to you. It's been a pleasure sharing Theme Week with you.

Theme Week, Part D!

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: The End Of The World Week! The world may end on September 14, 2047 due to an attack of Rainbow-colored Astro-Lemurs. You have 39 Years, 7 Months, and 7 Days to plan your defense.


I don't even know how to respond to that. You are making this one up, right?


Sadly for the human race, I am not.


That's unfortunate.


According to the now-defunct Church of !BLAIR!, the human race will probably be terminated at 3:28 AM (Soho, England time) on Sept 14, 2047.


That's too early. Can't they plan the invasion later in the afternoon?


The church teaches that if the human race does not discard their plastic conformity, then the Gods will withdraw their protection. Without protection from the Gods, the earth and everyone on it will be vulnerable to attack. At that point, Astro-Lemurs (extra-terrestrials similar in shape to lemurs, but with rainbow colored bodies) will attack the entire human race and beat them to death with giant burritos.


Isn't that akin to being attacked by the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man?


Now that you mention it, there are some parallels...

Theme Week, Part C!

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: The End Of The World Week! The world may end on January 19, 2038 due to the Unix 2038 Bug. You have 29 Years, 11 Months and 13 Days to get a new computer.


The 2038 bug? Isn't that basically the Unix version of Y2K


Indeed it is, and it clearly means the end of the world.


Clearly. So how does it work?


Well, very simply, Unix uses a dating system that is merely a number of seconds that have elapsed since January 1, 1970. This is good in the sense that the Y2K thing didn't affect anything Unix-based, but it is equally bad in that the 32-bit systems will run out of binary digits to use in representing the date. That will occur at 3:14 UTC on January 19, 2038.

Here's a great graphical representation of the problem that I found laying around on Internet:
(Apparently, you have to click this to watch it happen)



Yep...it goes right back to 1970. The world didn't end in 1970, though.


The world didn't end on January 1, 2000 either, did it?


I guess not.


So we'll just have to wait and see.

Theme Week, Part B!

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: The End Of The World Week! The world may end on February 13, 2009 due to The Rapture. You have One year and 8 days to make your peace.


Rapture? Holy...


Exactly. Not long ago, there was an email circulated around Internet from a seer who called herself "The Final Peace". She predicted that the Rapture will occur on this date, believing that she is communicating directly with both God and Satan. Her predictions are based on a number of calculations:

• The 3 1/2 year countdown began in Aug 2005, right before Katrina hit
  
• Zeus' birthday is Feb 13
  
• Feb 13 is a Friday the 13th
  
• The time stamp in the Unix operating system is 1234567890 at 23:31:30 UTC on this day
  
• References in the Gospel of Thomas

None of that really says "End of the World" to me. Also, the 3 1/2 year countdown seems at least fairly arbitrary.


That's what separates us from the seers, I guess.


Lunacy?


I guess we'll find out in just over a year.


I'll make popcorn.

Theme Week, Part A!

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: The End Of The World Week! The world may end on March 21, 2008 due to World War III. You have One Month and 17 Days to get your affairs in order.


Well this theme week is a little morbid.


You think so? I think of it as a public service, allowing sound planning for the future.


How do you figure?


Well, there are numerous theories about The End Of The World As We Know It, or TEOTWAWKI, and each of them is just as valid as the next. It makes perfect sense for the public, especially The Smartest Readership In The World, to be aware of these upcoming dates.

In this particular case, the British group "The Lord's Witnesses" believe that the Bible contains codes which can be used to predict, amongst other events, the end of the World. Based on this code, they have charted the history of Mankind from the birth of Adam in the year 4027 B.C.E. to the world's destruction in 2008 – the result of a horrific world war.


That's unfortunate.


Sure is....but at least you know when it's going to happen.


Are all of the dates this close?


Well, we'll all find out together as this week rolls on.


So any thoughts about that football game yesterday?


I was totally right with my prediction that a team wearing blue would win. I also won 10 bucks in Vegas by betting on how long the National Anthem would last. I went with the "Over." Go me!

Yum!

Why waste food when food can waste unwanted guests?


Nice motto....but uhm....aren't you having guests over this weekend?


Now that you mention it, yes I am. But they're not unwanted, so I don't really think the food thing really applies.


I'd be skeptical if I were your guest now.


Nonsense. Anyway....today's Sametime Status comes to you courtesy of Sam and Max, Freelance Police. Not long after becoming comic book and video game heros with a rabid cult following, Sam and Max (described as a 6-foot canine Seamus and a Hyperkinetic Rabbity Thing, respectively) enjoyed a brief stint on the Fox network as cartoon stars.





Didn't your boy Titus also have a brief stint on Fox?


Yes...seems to be a pattern. Regardless, this cartoon with overly profuse dialogue was not long for this world, particularly after some incidents in The Christmas Episode. However, during it's run, there were some remarkably funny moments and situations that appealed to an audience other than the "target market" for Saturday morning cartoons. One such episode was called "The Invaders" and featured two miniature invaders trying to destroy our heroes.

Let's Watch!


Boy...that just keeps going, doesn't it?


Yes and no. The cartoon was ended after one season, but Sam and Max live on in new video games that I haven't played. Life is good.