You've won this round, "The Asylum"...but it's not over!
Wait, what? Has Jeremy finally been shacked up in the wacko basket?
Uhm...no. I'm writing a Blag.
Wishful thinking, I guess. So what Asylum are you talking about?
You may remember A While Ago, I introduced you to a quality piece of film called "Snakes On A Train."
It was a piece of something, that's for sure...
Well, I did a little research, and as it turns out, that movie was put out by a film studio called "The Asylum" which specializes in "Mockbusters." That is, they find a movie that's actually good and making money out in the real world, and then they make a horrendous, ultra-low-budget movie of nearly the same title, release it only on DVD, and turn a modest profit. The two films often have little if anything to do with one another, aside from having a nearly identical title. The hope is that you confuse one with the other and buy their piece of crap and don't realize your mistake until it's too late.
So not long ago, Robert Downey Jr. starred in a new Sherlock Holmes film, aptly titled, "Sherlock Holmes." I had wanted to see it, it did well at the box office, had a totally decent 70% Tomatometer...but I never got the chance. I came across "Sherlock Holmes" while updating my movie queue on an online movie rental site that for strictly Blag purposes, we'll call "InternetFlickershows" and immediately sent it to the top of the list.
Little did I know that the fine folks at "The Asylum," who destroyed 2 hours of my life with "Snakes On A Train" also put out a film entitled "Sherlock Holmes" which involves flying dinosaurs attacking London. I'll let you guess which one showed up in my mail.
Why don't you just put the real one on top of the list and send this one back?
That would make me look stupid. I don't want to be that guy...
HAHAHAAAA! This is totally like the thing with the coffee grinder.
This has nothing to do with that. I categorically deny the accusation that...
So Jeremy once bought whole-bean coffee instead of ground, and instead of just admitting the mistake, he ran out and bought a coffee grinder.
Categorically! Deny! Freshly ground coffee simply tastes better.
Yeah, okay...whatever helps you sleep, Bean Boy.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Seriously...Everything
Hockey season fixes everything
Except the scores. See what I did there?
It's true. Hockey season is the cure for everything that ails.
Don't know what to watch on TV? Flip on a game! (Incidentally, Carolina and Minnesota are playing right now...as of this typing anyway)
Can't think of anything to do with your friends? Head to the arena!
Feeling sick? Stay home and watch the replays!
Work got you down? Surf the internets for the latest scores and analysis!
Doing cardio at the gym in the morning? Rangers in 60!
That guy at the store being irritating? Throw down the gloves and go all Raitis Ivanans on his sorry hide.
The list is endless. Welcome back, hockey season! We've missed you!
Except the scores. See what I did there?
It's true. Hockey season is the cure for everything that ails.
Don't know what to watch on TV? Flip on a game! (Incidentally, Carolina and Minnesota are playing right now...as of this typing anyway)
Can't think of anything to do with your friends? Head to the arena!
Feeling sick? Stay home and watch the replays!
Work got you down? Surf the internets for the latest scores and analysis!
Doing cardio at the gym in the morning? Rangers in 60!
That guy at the store being irritating? Throw down the gloves and go all Raitis Ivanans on his sorry hide.
The list is endless. Welcome back, hockey season! We've missed you!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
How Cold Can You Go?
Welcome to Home Heating Limbo
It's a nice place...until of course, Chubby Checker comes in and ruins the whole thing.
Different sort of Limbo, but thanks for thinking outside the box on this one.
My pleasure.
Like most homeowners around this time of the year, I'm debating when to officially give up on summer...
Most people do this around the Autumnal Equinox, but your mileage may vary.
...and flip the thermostat from "Off" to "Auto", thus beginning the heating season. This is more of a concern now that I have to pay for heat. Therefore, this becomes an act requiring pondering and procrastinating. The longer I can put up with a house that's 3 or 4 degrees below optimal, the better. Add in the sleeves factor, and I can buy myself an extra degree or two. However, good fortune must run out at some point, and the heater will be turned out. This will be a sad day, as it signifies the true end of summer.
It's a nice place...until of course, Chubby Checker comes in and ruins the whole thing.
Different sort of Limbo, but thanks for thinking outside the box on this one.
My pleasure.
Like most homeowners around this time of the year, I'm debating when to officially give up on summer...
Most people do this around the Autumnal Equinox, but your mileage may vary.
...and flip the thermostat from "Off" to "Auto", thus beginning the heating season. This is more of a concern now that I have to pay for heat. Therefore, this becomes an act requiring pondering and procrastinating. The longer I can put up with a house that's 3 or 4 degrees below optimal, the better. Add in the sleeves factor, and I can buy myself an extra degree or two. However, good fortune must run out at some point, and the heater will be turned out. This will be a sad day, as it signifies the true end of summer.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
First person to make a Spongebob reference gets a kick in the pants
I think a turtle just swam past my office window
Sure it wasn't a tortoise?
Actually, yes. Tortoises aren't built for swimming, but turtles are. I learned this recently.
Astounding. You actually learned stuff.
So anyway...if you've seen a map of the eastern United States recently, you'll know that it's basically one big rain storm right now. Perfect for my newly-planted grass...assuming that we don't get enough rain to wash it all away. I think I'll be okay, though.
Anyway...weather aside, it looks like I'll be away for a bit, tending to some family activities, so have a good weekend, everybody!
Why do you make me do this for you? Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office tomorrow and monday. But fear not...we'll return on Tuesday, October 4th for more Sametimey Goodness...and the garbage that Jeremy does.
Sure it wasn't a tortoise?
Actually, yes. Tortoises aren't built for swimming, but turtles are. I learned this recently.
Astounding. You actually learned stuff.
So anyway...if you've seen a map of the eastern United States recently, you'll know that it's basically one big rain storm right now. Perfect for my newly-planted grass...assuming that we don't get enough rain to wash it all away. I think I'll be okay, though.
Anyway...weather aside, it looks like I'll be away for a bit, tending to some family activities, so have a good weekend, everybody!
Why do you make me do this for you? Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office tomorrow and monday. But fear not...we'll return on Tuesday, October 4th for more Sametimey Goodness...and the garbage that Jeremy does.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Canonically, he's in the details
If I were the Devil, I'd sue M Night Shyamalan for defamation of character
Been to the movies again, eh?
Yep...went to see the latest travesty of cinema by Not-Sure-Why-He's-Not-Yet-Described-As-Disgraced Director M Night Shyamalan. (In all fairness, Shyamalan only wrote the movie. Soon-To-Be Disgraced Director John Erick Dowdle actually directed here) Based on the fiasco that is "Devil" I've decided to put Mr. Shyamalan on my list of movie people that I'm through with. He joins the Coen Brothers, Will Farrell, Gary Sinise, and Stanley Kubrick.
No Nick Cage?
My hatred for Nicolas (Coppola) Cage goes beyond mere lists. Besides, this list is just for people that I just don't need to see anymore...not things I need to actively skip if I'm going to avoid having an aneurism.
Makes sense. Go on.
So this latest "film" written by a director that hasn't been relevant since 1999 has 5 people getting stuck in an elevator.
Okay...then what?
Nothing! That's the problem. The entire plot is they're stuck in an elevator. One of them may or may not be possessed by the devil, and most of them die because it's a "horror" film, but that's it. Roll credits.
Seems like a great short sketch.
It probably would be, but it goes on for 80 minutes. Mercifully short by movie standards, but about 70 minutes longer than the plot budgeted for.
Ever notice how your movie reviews tend to all be negative?
The bad movies are more fun to write about than the good ones. Besides, since the original Mr. Cranky retired and left his website to a bunch of chumps, nobody's doing negative reviews very well. I'm hoping to leave a mark...hopefully just not one like the mark "Devil" left in my brain. Nobody needs that.
This has been another edition of "Jeremy Is In The Theatre."
Been to the movies again, eh?
Yep...went to see the latest travesty of cinema by Not-Sure-Why-He's-Not-Yet-Described-As-Disgraced Director M Night Shyamalan. (In all fairness, Shyamalan only wrote the movie. Soon-To-Be Disgraced Director John Erick Dowdle actually directed here) Based on the fiasco that is "Devil" I've decided to put Mr. Shyamalan on my list of movie people that I'm through with. He joins the Coen Brothers, Will Farrell, Gary Sinise, and Stanley Kubrick.
No Nick Cage?
My hatred for Nicolas (Coppola) Cage goes beyond mere lists. Besides, this list is just for people that I just don't need to see anymore...not things I need to actively skip if I'm going to avoid having an aneurism.
Makes sense. Go on.
So this latest "film" written by a director that hasn't been relevant since 1999 has 5 people getting stuck in an elevator.
Okay...then what?
Nothing! That's the problem. The entire plot is they're stuck in an elevator. One of them may or may not be possessed by the devil, and most of them die because it's a "horror" film, but that's it. Roll credits.
Seems like a great short sketch.
It probably would be, but it goes on for 80 minutes. Mercifully short by movie standards, but about 70 minutes longer than the plot budgeted for.
Ever notice how your movie reviews tend to all be negative?
The bad movies are more fun to write about than the good ones. Besides, since the original Mr. Cranky retired and left his website to a bunch of chumps, nobody's doing negative reviews very well. I'm hoping to leave a mark...hopefully just not one like the mark "Devil" left in my brain. Nobody needs that.
This has been another edition of "Jeremy Is In The Theatre."
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Never would have guessed
Apparently, selling Steamrollers on the side of the road is more common than I thought
Are you selling a steamroller?
Sadly, no. For various reasons, good bad or indifferent, I don't have a steamroller. However, a bizarre number of people do.
How many is bizarre?
Two.
I guess if you set your expectation low enough...
That's not really the point. If you remember Not Long Ago, I pondered buying a steamroller that was for sale on the side of the road on my way to work.
Four consecutive prepositions! Nice job, Jeremy!
Well, as much as I was dismayed that somebody else bought the steamroller, I really had no use for it. Little did I know that I would get another chance. On my way to work yesterday, I glanced out the window and saw a completely different steamroller for sale on the side of the road. I find this to be unusual...anyone else think so?
Either way...I think my ride home today will be a little slower...but make things flatter! Woohoo!
Are you selling a steamroller?
Sadly, no. For various reasons, good bad or indifferent, I don't have a steamroller. However, a bizarre number of people do.
How many is bizarre?
Two.
I guess if you set your expectation low enough...
That's not really the point. If you remember Not Long Ago, I pondered buying a steamroller that was for sale on the side of the road on my way to work.
Four consecutive prepositions! Nice job, Jeremy!
Well, as much as I was dismayed that somebody else bought the steamroller, I really had no use for it. Little did I know that I would get another chance. On my way to work yesterday, I glanced out the window and saw a completely different steamroller for sale on the side of the road. I find this to be unusual...anyone else think so?
Either way...I think my ride home today will be a little slower...but make things flatter! Woohoo!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Revenge, Served Hot...Then Cold
Oh Karma...you work in mysterious ways, but sometimes, I love it
So did something good happen to you, or did something bad happen to somebody else who wronged you...at least in your own mind?
Some of both, actually. It's really quite exciting. So many of you remember A Rant I Did A While Ago about a purely fictitious conglomerate chain of home improvement stores that I referred to for purely Blag purposes as "High's Home Improvement Store." They were morons. After promising next day delivery on a washer and dryer I purchased there, they took 3 days to deliver, came late, and hooked the washer up improperly. I took out my frustrations in Blag form...UNTIL NOW!!
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!!!
Not long ago, I got a postcard in the mail. It said that I was part of a Class Action Lawsuit against "High's" over improper installation of dryers. There's something about how the ductwork was installed in a number of cases, and I was entitled to the grand sum of $20.
Heck yeah!
Don't spend it all in one place.
Actually, the irony here is that I have a couple house projects going on right now, so the odds are pretty good that I'll end up spending that 20 bucks right back at "High's." But that's hardly worth mentioning.
So did something good happen to you, or did something bad happen to somebody else who wronged you...at least in your own mind?
Some of both, actually. It's really quite exciting. So many of you remember A Rant I Did A While Ago about a purely fictitious conglomerate chain of home improvement stores that I referred to for purely Blag purposes as "High's Home Improvement Store." They were morons. After promising next day delivery on a washer and dryer I purchased there, they took 3 days to deliver, came late, and hooked the washer up improperly. I took out my frustrations in Blag form...UNTIL NOW!!
DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!!!
Not long ago, I got a postcard in the mail. It said that I was part of a Class Action Lawsuit against "High's" over improper installation of dryers. There's something about how the ductwork was installed in a number of cases, and I was entitled to the grand sum of $20.
Heck yeah!
Don't spend it all in one place.
Actually, the irony here is that I have a couple house projects going on right now, so the odds are pretty good that I'll end up spending that 20 bucks right back at "High's." But that's hardly worth mentioning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)