We Get The Joke Already

So I guess that whole “Out like a lamb” thing is out of the question?

Following on the theme of this truly blowful winter came a March that came in like a lion and is...well...still pretty awful.  

I've been done with winter since roughly the middle of November.  That said, Mother Nature has seen fit to grace us with more of it than even people who like snow and snow-related crap can reasonably put up with.  There's the old saying that March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb.  Well, this year, the lion apparently had a nice dinner of lamb chops with mint jelly, because here is it at the end of March and a whole bunch of people in the Greater Jeremy Area woke up to at least 4 inches of snow yesterday.  Today's not a whole lot better.  Then, that's it for March.  

Meanwhile, my car needs to be washed, my deck needs to be cleaned and sealed, my grill needs to be cleaned out and used and my bike needs to come out of the garage and go for a ride.  None of which can happen while there's still almost a foot of snow in my front yard and temperatures still spend much of their time below freezing.  This is crap.  Get it together, Mother Nature! 

It Just Makes Sense

I forgot to eat the rest of my pineapple yesterday

I wasn't aware that it was National Pineapple Eating Day or some other such nonsense. 

Yeah, it really wasn't.  Yesterday saw the end of yet another one of the ever-shrinking number of TV shows that I actually pay attention to.  Psych aired its final episode last night, a whimsical tale of murder and betrayal, mixed with the usual pop culture references (come on...who expected Val Kilmer to be the oft-referred to but never seen Detective Dobson?) and long-winded comic speeches.  What it boils down to is one of TV's greatest bromances (Don't think anything will ever top Turn and JD, but that's a debate for another time) is over.  

And this has what to do with pineapple?

For those unawares, pretty much every episode of the show Featured A Pineapple somewhere along the line, thanks to an improvised line from the pilot episode.  This is how running gags are born.  

So, by crazy random happenstance, I bought a pineapple not all that long ago.  I cut it up, and have been enjoying it in spurts ever since.  By this point, I'm almost done with it, and I really think it has one decent snack session left in it before I can have my plastic container back (or buy a new pineapple...I have yet to decide).  I knew full well going into last night, that the episode of Psych would be the last, but it completely slipped my mind that the most appropriate thing I could have been doing during that showing was to eat the rest of that pineapple.  I feel like I did television a bit of a disservice here.  

Then again, I didn't exactly celebrate any of the other recent finales in any special way, nor do I have any plans for monday's series finale of How I Met Your Mother. 

This Makes No Sense

Why do hole punches have that wire ring in the handle?  

Just one of those things...

No really.  I'm actually asking this question.   

I'm not talking about those three-hole punches like The Guy From The Office.  I'm talking about those old school metal jobbies you use to punch a single hole in a piece of paper, or in a stack of construction paper if your first grade teacher was inordinately cruel.  

If you look at the handle of them, 83% of the things have a wire ring in the handle.  Look here:

There is no useful purpose served by that ring.  You put your fingers on the outside of the handle, the spring is built near the hinge, the hole-punchy part is on the far left, and nothing has ever happened with the ring.  Ever.  

There's A Punchline Here Somewhere

Judge Joe Brown was arrested yesterday for Contempt of Court.  I’m not making this up

Poor Joe.  He had to have been like my fourth or fifth favorite tv court judge.  

Somewhere around there, yeah.  Judge Wapner is the original and King of fake judges.  I guess you'd have to put Judge Judy next, then Judge Milian (who took over The People's Court after Ed Koch left and was replaced briefly by Jerry Scheindlin.)    Then, depending on your tolerance for nonsense, Joe Brown or Mills Lane would be next, followed by Judges Mathis, Hatchett, Doherty, Alex, Christina, Lopez, Young, Piro, Penny, Karen, Glass, and Goldwater...in whatever order you see fit because geeze...that's a lot.  I almost find it difficult to believe that people watch all of those judge shows.  Almost.  

Anyway, Joe Brown had a court show for quite some time, ending only last year, in which he presided over a small claims court with two litigants who rarely had actual legal issues to resolve.  The subject matter usually devolved into one litigant exposing the malfeasance of the other, followed by Judge Joe berating them for a while (long after the merits of the case became clear), questioning people's masculinity, and awarding a verdict in a usually angry manner.  

This demeanor apparently spilled out into real court, with slightly different consequences.  Judge Joe, now a lawyer, was in a civil court in Tennessee, and didn't like something that the Judge had to say.  Joe became irate and questioned the judge's authority to preside over the court and threatening legal action against the court itself.  The judge promptly slapped Joe with a contempt of court charge only to be met with more diatribe from Judge Joe.  Four counts of contempt later, Joe Brown was removed from the courtroom and locked up in jail.  Awesome! 

I Really Wish These Weren't True

Quick lesson in Evil Toaster physics:  Anything laid on top of the bread ends up on the bottom of the Toaster

Seems more like a lesson in Evil Toaster Civil Engineering than physics, don't you think?

Regardless, it's an important lesson to be learned regarding the single greatest enemy to breakfast in our time.  You all remember The Famed Toaster of Hades, right?  I know it's been a while since I've discussed it here, but much like the cold war, we had found a way to coexist for the most part.  I would occasionally toast things, and The Toaster would occasionally light things on fire, but no real threat was posed.  Well, that all changed in the last week.  Tensions have escalated, and The Toaster has tried to test its boundaries a little bit.  

First, came the remnants of a raisin muffin on the underside of the conveyor chain.  How it got there, I'm not entirely sure, but by the time I got there, it was pretty well stuck in there and blackened to charcoal.  The flames may not have been intense, but they lasted a while, given the level of bagel destruction that was present.  There still has been nothing to rival the Blueberry Muffin incident.  

Yesterday's Toaster incident can only be described as foolishness.  I'm okay with people using the Toaster for its intended purposes, and laughing at them when the occasional disaster strikes.  But, when people tempt fate by brazenly defying the terms of the Treaty Of The Adorably Tiny Cafeteria Thing In My Building, I find it's no longer a laughing matter.  In this case, a rudimentary understanding of Toaster Physics is required.  

As we saw in the graphic illustration Featured In This Blag Entry, items to be toasted ride along a conveyor chain through the Toasting Chamber, then slide down the exit chute to the waiting hungry customer.  Since this involves the breakfast item reaching the end of the chain, it seems like a pretty basic concept that a 180 degree turn is involved.  The top side of the toasting item becomes the bottom side upon exit.  Only the most fool-hearty of souls would think to put some form of topping on their item before toasting, as it will quickly become the bottom of their item during its return trip.  

Well, some fool-hearty soul did just this.  They decided to put a piece of cheese on their breakfast, and send it through the Toaster.  This ended exactly like you think it did.  At first, everything is hunky and/or dory, the item toasts and melts the cheese a little.  Perfectly reasonable.  Then, it reaches the end of the chain and flips over for delivery, and The Toaster finds its opening and pounces.  At this point, the molten part of the cheese contacts the exit chute and sticks firmly in place, releasing its hold on the breakfast item.  Breakfast continues down the chute, leaving a smearing of melted cheese the entire length of its journey, the beginning of which is far too close to the heating element.  Much like you've seen in Bugs Bunny cartoons, the cheese nearest the heaters bursts into flame, igniting the smeared cheese pool, leaving charred cheesey remains all over the exit.  

Now there is crap all over the Toaster now, rendering it all but unusable, unless I want to get carbon-infused cheese all over my bagel.  At some point, somebody among the cafeteria workers will have to clean that up.  Just the latest casualty in the War, and one that could have so easily been avoided if only people could begin to understand their enemy. 

I Haven't "Shown It" To Anyone Recently, Either

I don’t know the back of my hand all that well

I believe canonically, you're supposed to be pretty familiar with it. 

I know!  That's what makes this so troubling for me.  I guess I know a couple of random facts about the back of my hand that nobody else would ostensibly be aware of, but that's about it.  I frequently get a small patch of rough skin on the second knuckle of the middle finger on my right hand and I have no feeling in the back of my left index finger (left over from air-bag chemical burns in 1996).  That said, now you all know about those as well, and they're more facts about the backs of my fingers than the back of my hand, so I don't know if that even counts. 

Truth be told, I don't sit around staring at and studying the back of my hand all that often.  This seems especially weird considering I spend a considerable amount of time working on computers (in both my actual job and my little hobby of writing hopefully comedic nonsense on a Blag), so my hands spend a great deal of time in more or less my direct sight line.  You would think this lends itself to a greater familiarity and understanding of the back of my hand, but you would apparently be wrong.  

I bring this up for two reasons.  One, the phrase "know this like the back of my hand" came up in an audio book recently, and my brain swirled down into its usual deep spiral of banality.  Second, I have this bruise on the back of my left hand, and I have no earthly clue how I got it. 

They Don't Make A Foam Hand With 69 Fingers

Pick Jeremy’s 12-5 Upset!  Stephen F Austin, Harvard, North Dakota State, or North Carolina State/Xavier?

It's that time again!  Time for Jeremy to wow us with the entirety of his knowledge of college basketball in like...three sentences.  Also, a little audience participation is always a good thing!

Oh yeah!  March Madness.  When the 64, 65, 66, 67, 68 greatest college basketball teams in the country battle it out for #1!  Then there's also another tournament where the 32 greatest college basketball teams that weren't good enough to be in the top 68 battle it out for #1, #65, #66, #67, #68 #69!  Really exciting sporting times ahead.  

So, here's what I do know.  I know that a #16 seed in the NCAA tournament has never beaten a #1 seed.  I also know that the #12 seed is a statistical outlier, having more than its share of upsets of the #5 seeds in tournament history.  So, a 12-5 upset is all but assured to happen, the question is which 12 seed is going to take down the favorite?  Here are your choices:

• Stephen F Austin State, whose mascot is somehow the Lumberjacks.  Nobody's ever been able to explain to my satisfaction why it's not the Rattlesnakes.  The college is even in Texas, for crying out loud.  They'll be taking on Virginia Commonwealth.

• Harvard.  For some inexplicable reason, they will be facing Cincinnati, in the first second round of the East Region bracket in Spokane Washington.  In the entire region bracket, I think the team based furthest west is Iowa, yet this game is in Washington.  Nobody's going to be able to explain that to my satisfaction either.  

• North Dakota State.  They will tip off against Oklahoma in an arena which can successfully hold the entire population of both states.  

• The winner of the North Carolina State/Xavier Play-In Game.  Yes, there is a play-in for the 12 seed.  Just one more thing that nobody will be able to explain to my satisfaction.  If you're good enough to be a 12-seed, why do you have to play-in to get into the tournament?  Shouldn't all of the play-in games be for a 16-seed?  I'm confounded.  

So there you have it.  Everything I know about college basketball in one east Blag post.  Now, it's up to you to decide how I fill out my bracket?  Who's going in as my 12-5 upset?!

Blueberry, Please!

Do I have to wait until 1:59 to celebrate Pi Day?  

Yes...so get ready.  It's coming up pretty soon. 

Unless, of course, you use 24 hour time, at which point, I already missed it.  I was asleep.

Miserable excuse for missing Pi day.

If it makes you feel any better, I will be going to the grocery store after work today, and I plan on picking up a pie...because...pie!  Also, it sounds like pi, so it all works out.  

Today, of course, is Pi day, celebrated approximately July 22, so March 14th is close enough.  To properly celebrate the day, apparently, we're supposed to go out and do irrational things, preferably while standing in a circle.  I don't know who makes up these rules, but it's best to just go with them.  

Since I'm always eager to help, I can also provide you with This Video of Winnie Cooper singing Pi to the tune of the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies from the Nutcracker.  If that doesn't get you in the spirit, I really don't know what will.  Perhaps This Other Video which is just 45 seconds of people getting hit in the face with pies non-stop.  It's pretty quality.  

Fortunately, No Friends Named Jack On The Plane

Probably shouldn’t make a big deal about losing my lip balm on an airplane...

Ladies and Gentlemen, we'll be collecting donations once again to pay for Jeremy's bail.  This time, he's in TSA custody.  I'm in favor of leaving him there.  

Fortunately for all of us, I'm still right here, not locked up in some dark corner of an airport somewhere.  I actually haven't flown anywhere in quite some time, so today's Sametime Status is merely a hypothetical big deal. 

Drat.  I was looking forward to having my own Blag.  


No such luck.  Also, I don't regularly carry lip balm.  Even when I do have it, I tend to refer to it as "chap stick" anyway, so I guess really none of today's Sametime Status applies to real life.  It's just funny to plant the idea in people's heads that I would do something like this.

Also, it makes me wonder if this mistake has actually been made in an airport somewhere.  I actually would be more surprised if it hasn't. 

She Must Have Been Famous If People Still Sing About Her

What was Miss Susie doing sitting down behind the refrigerator anyway?  

Sometimes, people need to make repairs to home appliances.  They don't always check for broken glass on the floor.  Things happen.  

Today's Sametime Status deals with the old Schoolyard Rhyme, "Miss Susie."  This little song dates its history back to the Vaudeville days of the early 1900s when there were actually steamboats.  Later on, the rhyme was expanded to include things like refrigerators and human-operated switchboards.  It does leave some holes in the interpretation, however.

First off all, in the opening verse, we're led to believe that poor Miss Susie is dead, having gone to heaven.  Later, we hear about her exploits behind the refrigerator and, more risque, in the dark dark dark.  So, either this story is being told out of order, in flashbacks, or Miss Susie's boyfriend has some serious issues.  

There is a later version of this song (1980's, according to Reliable Sources) apparently originating in Pennsylvania that has some remarkably racist overtones.  

Who breaks glass behind a refrigerator and then makes no attempt to clean it up?  This is an injury waiting to happen, as it seems to have (potentially with fatal consequences) to Miss Susie.  It's not known whether sitting on the broken glass is what led to her demise.  

Who was this mysterious "Number Nine" and what did they know about the broken glass?  Is this a conspiracy, or is "Number Nine" the precursor to 911, and this was a phone call attempting to save Miss Susie's life?  

Are we to believe that there are no flies in the park, nor bees in the city?  I find this difficult to believe.  

I'm forced to Call Bunk on Miss Susie. 

I Just Want A Longer Blanket

Somebody tell me again why Daylight Savings Time is a good idea

So George Hudson can collect more bugs for his insect collection.  

Who's George Hudson?

The guy who invented Daylight Savings Time.  He wanted more daylight hours after work so that he could collect insects.  This is actually true.  

Well, he's a jerk.  

Today is the first monday after the time change, and I wasn't quite ready to get up this morning.  Probably had something to do with the fact that I wasn't quite ready to go to bed at the proper time yesterday, so now everything is amiss.   

Add to that the fact that my office is currently sitting at a balmy 83.2 degrees, and it's making for some pretty rough going in the early part of the week.  Here's to things looking up!

Oh yeah...more snow on Thursday. 

You're not helping. 

I Go To Florida, And I Get The Money

The Jets have traded Jeremy to the Stars for three rolls of tape and a pair of scissors to be named later

What kind of tape?  I'm not so sure this was a good trade.  Also, were the scissors rusty?  

So, another year has come and gone, and it's NHL trading deadline season again.  Did your team make a good move, or have they resigned to running out the clock on the season?  Have they resigned to running out the clock on next season as well?  (Sorry, Buffalo Sabres fans)  Here's your rundown of impact transactions:

Buffalo traded everybody of value on their roster, with the possible exception of Tyler Myers.  In return, they got a whole crapload of draft picks, some retread players who will probably be released at the end of the season, and at least two totally decent prospects who won't be playing in the NHL next year. 

Florida got Roberto Luongo back, the New York Rangers won the Martin St. Louis derby, but paid a heavy price to do it, Gaborik heads to Hollywood, Vanek joins les Habitants, and Ryan Miller is no longer singing the Blues...he's playing for them.  

Based on all of this, I don't think any team really made themselves significantly better on Trade Deadline Day.  The closest would be the Gaborik to LA trade, if he actually manages to stay healthy.  That's a really big "If".  

Also, It's Ash Wednesday, So No Ham

You know your day is off to a rough start when there’s a Nicolas Cage reference on SportsCenter

Is he starring in the remake of Rollerball?  That would be awesome!  

I really hope nobody is considering another remake of Rollerball.  Nobody needs that.  

Anyway, at the very least, I can give the SportsCenter anchors credit for at least making fun of Nicolas Cage in their reference this morning.  I just can't, in good conscience, condone the use of Nic for...well...really much of anything.  

So there was some sort of basketball game yesterday.  I don't know or particularly care who was playing.  One of the players decided to run straight into a pile of players from the other team, at which point, the ref blows the whistle and maybe calls a foul on one of the players who was standing in the way of the guy who was running.  Okay, I'm not entirely clear on the rules of "charging," but it really seems like that happens a lot more than I see it get called.  Anyway...one of the players who was standing around waiting to get run into fell down on the play and grabbed his face as if he had been attacked by a rabid honeybadger.  The anchors then showed a slow-motion replay which showed the guy clearly not getting hit by anything, standing there for a second or so looking around before clutching his face and falling on the ground.  A player with True NBA Potential.  Anyway, the anchor said that the flopping player had apparently gone to the "Nicolas Cage School of Overacting."  

I appreciated the fact that this was a clear dig on Mr. Cage's ability to be a terrible actor, but still didn't need to start off my day with a reminder that he's still allowed to be in movies.  

This Was Literally Painful To Write

Happy National Grammar Day, everybody!  

Hooray!  Its National Grammar Day!  Everybody love National Grammar Day.

Especially Kelsey.

Wait, what?  Also, don't you usually skip the Random Holiday posts in the Blag?

Usually, I do, and perhaps today I should of, but I decided to make an acception.  Grammar, when done good, is very important to me, as an amateur comedy writer. 

Its true.  Their are less and less people who take the time to right properly these days, especially on the internets.  

I know...and weather they do it out of ignorance or laziness, it really makes me nauseous.  

Your so right, Jeremy.  The affect that this has on people is truly unfortunate.  I'd really hate to think that we're loosing our grip on proper English.  Thank you for helping bring this to are attention.

I appreciate the complement.  I do like to stand on principal sometimes. 

 

A Fresh Air Post

It’s Password Day!  My email password is no longer 12345

That may not be Jeremy's email password anymore, but I'm pretty sure that is the combination Jeremy has on his luggage.  

Hey now!  

So, as comes along oh so often, it's Password Day.  The day my productivity grinds to a halt for a couple hours while I change the passwords on all of the systems I have to use and hope like mad that the new password I've chosen is acceptable to all the different rules that are in place on them.  It's actually happened before that I've changed my Windows password to something, my network password to the same thing, and tried to use that for my email, but the email password rules were stricter, so I had to make a different password for that.  Then, Windows wouldn't let me change my password again within 24 hours, so I was stuck for a little while.  It was annoying.  

Fortunately, none of that happened today, but I will still have to deal with a smaller hit to my productivity for a week or so while I type in the wrong password to each system every stinkin' time I try to log in, get denied, then type in the new password.  Such is the life of Jeremy.

Oh yeah...it's usually about now that I remind you that, despite showing up here in jaunty internets form, neither this nor any of the passwords listed in my "Password Day" posts have ever been my real email password.  I have no comment on the statement about the combination to my luggage.