You Didn't Even Notice, Did You?

At long last, the regular Sametime Status Writers can get back to work…no more replacements 

Replacements?  You mean there's another voice in your head providing commentary?  

Well, no...this is more of an explanation to the loyal readers out there for why certain things have happened in the last couple weeks of Sametime Statuses.  Like the Honey Boo Boo reference.  I would normally never allow garbage like that on my Blag.

Actually, you do it all the time, but that's beside the point.

So now, I'm pleased to inform you that the management has come to an agreement on a new contract for the writers of the Sametime Statuses you've come to know and love.  So from now on, it's smooth sailing and actual funny stuff here.  We won't have to use the replacement writers anymore. 

Funny coincidence how this happens the day after the NFL signs a new contract with the referees, huh?

Did that happen, too?  Interesting.  

Science In Every Drop!

My mouthwash has technology!

Jeremy now has little miniature cyborgs swimming around his mouth cleaning chunks of bagel.

That's both really cool and fairly disgusting.  Sadly, my mouth is not the setting for a new style of Terminator movie wherein bacteria are destroyed by little robots shooting lasers at my teeth.  What's important to note is that the bottle of mouthwash in my bathroom contains TECHNOLOGY!  While you may think it's just a mixture of ethanol and a handful of other antiseptic liquid components, you'd apparently be dead wrong.  Yes, folks...technology is in every bottle.  

Don't ask me to explain this to you, because I really can't.  It really seems like bizarre marketing to me, but the bottle clearly tells me that it contains "Everfresh Technology."  I can tell you that "Ever" is also a fairly strong word to use, because it didn't seem to stand up to the mexican food I had for lunch.  I definitely needed a mint after that.        

It Is A Polish Sub, After All

Why don’t the windows open on Submarines?  This is a problem

What is this?  A rare moment of political punditry from Jeremy?  This will probably start riots, you know. 

Oh, yeah.  If all the people who read my blag, actually take it seriously, and are easily inspired to revolt decide to take up arms, I'm sure they could totally lay siege to a Starbucks or something.

"Heck No!  We Want Joe!"

 So anyway, today's Sametime Status comes to you courtesy of one of the political candidates you may be hearing about on the news lately.  In an off-the-cuff quote taken slightly out of context and without the benefit of sarcasm, he came off as knowing very little about the way the world works.  He may have lamented the lack of ability to roll down the windows on commercial aircraft in the event of fire.  This, of course, leaves out much fundamental understanding of physics and people.  There's the fact that if you do open the window of an airplane at high altitude, the air pressure difference will be so great that a huge blast of wind will blow just about everything out of the plane.  Nowhere is this more memorable than in Goldfinger, where James Bond helps to teach us physics.  There's also the fact that even at lower life-sustaining altitudes, the ability to open airplane windows will be met with an unstoppable desire to open airplane windows, particularly by small children.  This will lead to stuff being thrown out of the plane and a remarkably inconsiderate wind blowing on other passengers.  I'm assuming that the passage of wind through the fuselage of an airplane will also disturb the aerodynamics of the vehicle as a whole, but I'm not sure how much of an effect that would have on the flight stability.  (The Goldfinger clip above seems to suggest a substantial one, and you know everything in Bond movies is 100% plausible.)  All of this information is available by a fairly basic understanding of science.  "Yeah Science!"  (Incidentally, I've watched that clip more times than I'd really care to admit.)  

So, to my main point.  Does a rudimentary understanding of physics really define a candidate's viability in an election?  I say yes.  We should expect our elected leaders to have a basic grasp of most subjects and to possess the knowledge that they're not experts on every topic, so that they are able to surround themselves with the appropriate people who are experts.  That way, they can at least hide their basic ignorances and be able to make informed decisions.

So to my side point.  Does a rudimentary understanding of physics really define a voter's choice for them?  I say no.  In the same way I expect elected officials to make informed decisions, I expect voters to make informed decisions and not to vote based on one sound bite, no matter how wrong it may be.  That said...I don't believe for one second that this is the way the world works.  Physics is a whole lot easier.  

I Hear Arizona Is Nice

It feels like I’m going to start getting whiny about the weather soon...


What do you mean start?  You basically never stop being whiny.


So, I woke up this morning to a balmy 41 degree temperature outside.  This sucks.  Not only because it signals the end of summer, but it means that it's about time to start doing all the crap I have to do to get ready for winter.  With any luck, we'll have a winter like last year's where it snowed twice and was in the 60s most of the time.  Of course, that did have a detrimental effect on the apple crop this year, but it's a price I'm willing to pay.  

Anyway, so the crappy weather not only means a start to Jeremy's Whiny Season, but it means I have to take the air conditioner out of the window and move it to the attic, actually turn on the heat at some point, which means I have to start paying for heating oil, which means I have to get off my can and change oil companies because of Recent Events, and I'm also entertaining the idea of getting snow tires for my car.  

This is crap.  

I think it really would be easier to just move to a warmer climate where I wouldn't have to put up with this nonsense around this time every year.   

Cashing In

“That Guy Wearing Gray.”  Just like Johnny Cash, but not quite as cool

So, out of curiosity, what color shirt are you wearing today?

Gray, why? 

No reason.  

So today's Sametime Status comes to you as a random through that popped through my head at some point.  We've Talk Before about Johnny Cash, and overall, I think he's pretty okay.  His music is pretty cool for a while, until you realize that the songs are all the same, so you can pretty much stop listening to his stuff whenever you want.

Anyway, Johnny Cash is known as "The Man In Black" because he wore black clothes while playing concerts.  Not much of a nickname, if you ask me, but it stuck anyway.  In fact, he even wrote a song called "Man In Black" where he sings about himself and his clothing.  This style has since been copied by pretty much every rap artist in existence.

I Agree, But He Doesn't

Is “Mutually agreed upon” redundant?  Discuss

Uhm...yes?  

I agree whole heartedly!   

Wait, we agree on something?  This is a strange and unusual event.  

So the phrase "Mutually agreed upon" is something that gets tossed around a lot in my line of work.  It refers to the fact that my company and my suppliers' company have agreed on something.  The fact that we now agree on something means that both of us have looked at that something and are happy.  Both of us...as in...mutual.  You can't have an agreement on something without mutuality.  Why does this phrase exist?  

It Means "With A Key"

One pot of coffee+one sturdy chain+one padlock = New NHL Collective Bargaining Agreement 

Yes, folks...Jeremy's favorite sport (or should it be "favourite"?) has been locked out again due to a labor (or should it be "labour"?) dispute between the NHL owners and the Players' Association.  This has incited Jeremy to rant.  Sit back, grab some popcorn, and enjoy the ride.  

So, the NHL had labor peace for a full 7 seasons.  During this time, 7 different teams won the Stanley Cup, I believe all but one team made the playoffs at some point (Sorry, Maple Leafs fans), the level of competitive balance was unrivaled in professional sports, and attendance has grown to be the third highest total of any sport in the world (Only MLB and Nippon Pro Baseball in Japan had more total fans).  This has led to an increase in overall revenues of over 50% in 7 years (remember that fact...it becomes important later).  Astonishing growth in any timeline, leave alone the fact that economic conditions in the US during this period have been the worst we've seen since the 1920s.  So what have the league and players decided to do?  Why, crap all over it, that's what!  

The last lockout (you know...the one that destroyed the 2004-2005 season in its entirety) was almost entirely the fault of the players' union.  The owners banded together and decided that the only way to save themselves from themselves was to implement a salary cap on the players.  Forget the fact that it was these same owners who ultimately determine the contracts afforded to players, it was the owners who couldn't be trusted, so the only way to reign in ridiculous salaries and competitive disparity (Hello, Major League Baseball?) was a salary cap.  The players banded together and said that there was no way they'd play under a salary cap (which, BTW had already been implemented in football and basketball), so they wouldn't agree and wouldn't negotiate on it.  The lockout dragged on for almost an entire year before the players gave in and accepted a salary cap tied to overall league revenues.  The collective bargaining agreement that was reached in the summer of 2005 was, in just about everyone's opinion a complete whitewash in favor of the owners.  The players had a salary cap, an immediate pay reduction, and limits to free agency crammed down their throats for the sake of finally playing NHL hockey again.  The resounding feeling among fans was that if the players were ultimately willing to accept such a large-scale negotiational whipping, why did it take 10 months and an entire NHL season to do it? 

Yes, the new collective bargaining agreement of 2005 was a triumphant victory for Gary Bettman and the NHL owners.  They savaged the Players Union and got what was essentially the CBA of their dreams.  Salaries were slashed, a salary cap and floor tied directly to overall league revenues was implemented, ensuring the "cost certainty" they had yapped about the entire time the league was supposed to be playing hockey.  The length of the CBA was 7 years, and if you had asked the owners to extend that to 20 years at the time it was ratified, there would have been a brawl among the owners to see who would get the pleasure of signing first.  It cost the league a season, but the owners got what they wanted, and the players looked like a bunch of whiny babies for arguing over higher salary.  Let the Golden Age of hockey begin! 

Fast forward 7 years.

The CBA of 2005 has been deemed so egregiously foul by the owners that they refuse to run the league for another day under its conditions, claiming that player salaries are crippling the league and that more than half of the franchises are hemorrhaging money.  Wait...aren't these the same salaries that are tied to league revenue which has increased over 7% a year during the Great Recession?  The owners have once again rallied behind Gary Bettman and have locked out the players until they figure out how to save a failing league.  Let me ask you this...if any business enterprise is failing as badly as the NHL owners claim their franchises are, why would there be no repercussions for the leadership?  (Read: Why the frig does Gary Bettman still have a job if over half of the league is doing so poorly?)  The answer is pretty simple...the plight of NHL teams is ridiculously overblown as little more than a negotiation strategy. This has led to a complete reversal of public opinion, where the fans believe that the League is doing nothing but crying wolf in order to squeeze every last cent out of the Players Union that they can.  Not uncommon in today's business environment.  Sure, there are other peripheral issues that are going around with the new CBA, but don't fool yourself.  This "negotiation" is about money, and who gets how much of it...pure, simple, and at least mildly offensive. 

Speaking of negotiation strategies...the biggest one seemingly employed by both the League and the Players Association seems to be walking away, leaving plenty of dead air in between meetings.  My proposal is simple and certainly far from original.  Take Gary Bettman, Donald Fehr (head of the Players Union), a handful of their cronies (no more than 3 per side), lock them in a room and nobody comes out until there's an agreement.  It works for selecting a Pope, certainly it's good enough for dividing a pool of money. 

In the interest of public opinion (which the Owners can not possibly win this time around), both sides of this dispute have spent considerable time and resources producing elaborate Youtube videos.  They serve as basically campaign videos (BTW...not a good time for campaign videos.  We're sick of them already) to apologize to the fans for not having hockey and to get people to believe that their side is right.  Here's a nutty idea...who the frig cares?  This whole lockout happens because of a complete disregard for the fans, who get cast aside every time there's an argument over who gets their money.  Why start pretending that we're relevant now?  I'm on the periphery, and the assumption is that when you come back, so will I, I'm bringing my money with me, and the only thing you need to debate is how much of it you get.  The fans don't matter one iota in these negotiations, so stop wasting your effort on PR garbage that just makes me write angry rants on a blag.  I already hate you for taking away my game again, I'm not going to like you any more for dragging it out and passing the blame to the other side.

FIX IT!

I Have Power Over Nothing

Loaner: Day 6.  Supplies are dwindling.  Started talking to a volleyball named Spalding to keep me company


Supplies of what?  You have a car.  You can go out and buy whatever supplies you need.  


Can't you just go along with my little "Cast Away" bit?


And leave you thinking you're Tom Hanks?  Not a chance.  Also, what kind of a name is Spalding anyway? 


Ask Harold Ramis.

Anyway, as you may have guessed by now, and are probably sick of hearing me yammer about, I still don't have my car back, so it's another day of Rollin' on Loaner.  Whether I have it back later today or not, I can promise you that I do actually have other Sametime Statuses lined up and ready to go, so tomorrow's will definitely be about something new. 

In the meantime, I've created fire in my office by rubbing two pencils together, so maybe I should go put that out.

Bizarro World

Well that’s a relief.  I didn’t go colorblind overnight


All the dogs, bulls, and colorblind people who read your blag are now offended.  Good job, Jeremy.  


Today's Sametime Status is brought to you courtesy of the continuing story of my car.  For this story to make sense, it's important to know that my car is red.  Knowing that, we can continue.  

So, the repairs to my car are indeed substantial, and require parts that the dealer did not have in stock and needed to order.  As such, they set me up with a loaner car while I wait another day or two to get mine back.  (For the record, I'm not 100% happy with the construction of these last two sentences.  I also can't think of a way to reword it at the moment, so tough luck.)  Normally, when providing loaner cars, dealers like to set people up with pretty nice newer model cars to entice customers into buying new stuff.  They drive home in cushy luxury and wonder why they're trying to keep their old piece of junk on the road.  Well, that didn't happen in my case.  The dealer's employee pulls around in the exact same model and year as my car.  As it turns out, this car is the stripped-down, bare bones version of my car, and it's gray.  This has led to weird things happening for me.  

My car has a power-adjustable driver's seat which moves in many directions.  The loaner has a mechanical seat which moves back and forth along with tilting back.  I can move it back to the same position I'm familiar with, and tilt it back a little, but the seat remains considerably higher than I'm used to.  I'm looking out over the same dials and gauges, but they're farther down, and I can't change it.  The climate control is the old-fashioned kind where you control the approximate level of heat coming out and how fast...unlike the auto version I'm now spoiled with where you set a temperature and the car figures out how to reach that.  There are no automatic headlights, the bluetooth doesn't connect to my phone (I suppose I could pair it if I really wanted to), there are no garage door controls on the mirror, and there are no fog lights at all.  To top it all off, this car has the model's base engine, which has a completely different response to it than mine...though it does get slightly better mileage.  

Then comes the fact that it's gray.  If nothing else, this car borrowing experience has taught me that I will never buy a gray car.  It's so incredibly boring and common that the car doesn't stand out in any way.  Sure, I still think the design is nice, but it loses a lot by having a color that doesn't pop out of a crowd.  It's also confusing when first waking up.  See, my brain takes a little while to get moving in the morning, so by the time I get down to the garage after a night's sleep, it has basically escaped my mind that I have a loaner car (except for the fact that I had to grab a second set of keys...NOT the cool proximity key that my car has).  I open the door to the garage, and inside sits something that looks very much like my car, but without color.  In fact, it blends in remarkably well with the cinder block walls.  At first, I think I just escaped Oz, but that feeling lasts but for a second, and I realize what car is sitting there.  I then proceed to drive this weird thing to work and go about my day. 

Every Time A Horn Honks, A Car Gets Its Wheels

Oh no!  Jeremy’s car is sick!  Clap your hands if you believe in cars, and it’ll get better!

I don't know how happy your car would be if it knew you were comparing it to a little green fairy.  It is a red car, after all.  

Well, it's a sad day in Jeremy Land, as my car is in the shop for the first time since I bought it.  It's been a good run of flawless performance, but unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.  Fortunately, that run came to an end while still under warranty, so my stuff gets fixed for free!  Free stuff is always good, right?  

So here's your funny part of the story.  When I arrived at the dealer to turn in my car for repairs, the receptionist informed me that there was a recall on my car that they would also be performing while they had it.  This recall involved replacing the gear shift knob because, and I am not making this up, "Customers may notice blemishes on the shift lever knob."  Yes, apparently, the chrome-colored paint they use on the shift knob can flake off, and enough people complained about this that they're replacing everyone's when they come in for service.  

As for what's wrong with my car that prompted me to take it in...well, it could potentially be a pretty substantial repair, but we won't know for a little while.  In the meantime...keep clapping, everybody! 

Ask About The Baby Deer

It’s a strange feeling to learn that you ran over a snake in your garage

Probably a little stranger if you realize you didn't run it over...

Household pests suck.  

Everybody is familiar with the standards...flies, spiders, the occasional bee, stinkbugs (oh, I hate those friggin' stink bugs) and of course, ladybugs.  They're very common, and pretty commonly disposed of through various means.  I, however, seem to have alit upon more than my fair share of interesting pests lately.  

Not long ago, I discovered a frog between the window and screen of my downstairs window.  I don't know how a frog got there, but I know how he got out.  I was nicer to him than I usually am to stinkbugs.  A while back, I found a dead praying mantis on my deck to go along with the dead mouse at the base of the deck's stairs.  Recently, there was also whatever the hell this poorly photographed thing was on my bedroom widow:

Seriously...that thing was huge.  

Needless to say, I thought I had seen it all, until one day last week, when I decided to go for a bike ride.  I was putting the bike rack on my car and looked down to see a snake on the garage floor.  Yes...snake.  It was actually pretty adorable, and was 5 maybe 6 inches long.  I'm assuming it was a garter snake, but I'm not entirely sure...I can guarantee you it wasn't a big worm, though....definitely snake.  The (un)fortunate part of this was that the snake had the thickness of a piece of paper, having clearly seen the underside of one or more of my car's tires.   I was pretty glad that I didn't have to remove a live snake from my house, but also a little sad that I ran over this little guy.  I'm also no longer 100% confident that there aren't more snakes in my house.  I haven't seen another one inside, but neither had Samuel L. Jackson, and I think we all know how that turned out.

It Adds Up By The End Of The Year

When calculating inventory, do the cafeteria workers factor in scrap rates for Toaster fires?  


 Well that's just good business sense.  Leakage, and all.


Sure.  Anybody who's worked in manufacturing knows that something less than 100% of the products you make go out the door as finished products.  Depending on what your product is, that percentage can vary greatly.  Companies that make large products like cars and airplanes will have numbers over 99%, where some extremely small electronic components may only get to the 50-60% range.  It's how life is, and the role of super geniuses such as engineers is to get that number as high as possible.  


That's just sad, Jeremy.  Go on with your story.  


When working in any field with finished products, incoming materials have to be purchased.  Anyone can easily calculate the amount of material to use to create the finished product if conditions are perfect, but it's much more involved when factoring in things like scrap rates, leakage, six-sigma parameters like CpK, process yield etc.  All of those factors cut into your final tally, so in order to have a certain number of pieces out the door, you need to start out making that many, plus some amount of extra that you know will become junk along the way.  When purchasing your raw materials, you need to factor this in as well and purchase more stuff to make into products.  

The restaurant business is not immune to this, I would imagine.  Sure, the people who work in the Adorably Tiny Cafeteria Thing In My Building take into account the average number of Coke products purchased per day, and how many yogurts are left in the cooler, and approximately how many people are going to be on vacation any given day when ordering food to fill the place.  I just wonder whether or not they take into account what percentage of extra bread and bagels they need to buy to account for the portions that are destroyed by the Famed Toaster Of Hades.  It can't be all that much...no more than one or two servings per day go up in flames, but there's a number there, and I'd like to believe that somebody looks at it.  

Today's Sametime Status comes to you as a thought that popped into my head not long ago.  I was in the process of paying for my iced tea when the cashier looked up, got a terrified look on her face and, without finishing my transaction, stood up and walked past me.  To my complete lack of surprise, I turned around to see the telltale smoke billowing out of the Toaster.  Another bagel bites the dust. 

I Hate Myself For This

It’s Password Day!  My email password is no longer H0n3yB00B00

Really?  You're going to acknowledge the existence of that show?  

Well, I tried ignoring it hoping it would go away, but that didn't work.  It eventually worked for Jersey Shore, but it took like 5 years for people to catch on to that nonsense.  Either way, if you're not familiar with Alana from "Toddlers and Tiaras" you can either thank your lucky stars, or Watch The Video here and get ready to weep for humanity.  I'm told she now has her own reality show.  Terrible.  Just terrible.  

Anyway, now that I've polluted your minds again, it's time to remind you that neither this nor any of my previous "Password Day" posts were ever actually used as my email password.  In fact, this one violates at least one of the password rules we use at work, so I couldn't use it even if I actually wanted to.  This is a good thing...I'm sure I would have thrown my computer somewhere if I had to type that crap every day. 

I Can't Come Up With A Slider Joke

The one Goose was being a jerk to all the others.  You might say he was being a Maverick.

I bet you told him a joke.  You're a real Jester.  

So not long ago, I enjoyed a relaxing bike trip out to a nearby park which contains a "Lake."  They call it a lake on the maps and in the name of the park, but I'd barely even call this thing an overgrown pond.  I spent a considerable portion of my time there looking for koi. 

Anyway, this lake is the home to quite a few geese, along with a bunch of ducks, and two swans.  Those things were pretty cool, but that's beside the point.  I really hate when people screw up that phase and say "besides the point," but that's beside the point as well.  

I walk my bike down to a picnic table near the water's edge past a gaggle of geese (A gaggle is technically called a skein when the geese are flying.  There's your learning for the day), and they largely ignored me.  They walked calmly away from me as I approached, but otherwise didn't seem to be too bothered with me.  I've read stories and Watched Videos about geese attacking people, but I was pretty sure those involved protecting nests and eggs.  There didn't seem to be any nests, eggs, or goslings around, so I thought I was pretty okay to walk through.  Of course, if they did decide to attack, and I ended up dying of Bird Flu, I would have nobody to blame but myself.  

You know what eats goose eggs?  Vipers.

Anyway, no such atrocity occurred, and I sat down to watch the world interact with my lake...and to throw stones into the water, as you may have guessed.  It was very peaceful until one of the geese started honking.  I looked over and one of the geese had decided to start causing all sorts of ruckus with one of the others.  

Was his name Charlie?

I don't know what the fight was about, but it was brief...involving more honking than anything else, though he did flap his wings a couple times and threaten to peck.  Their beaks aren't very sharp, so I'm not sure how much good that would have done anyway, but in Goose World, it seemed pretty aggressive.  Well, not long after that, the offending goose decided that one of the other geese was deserving of some honking and flapping as well, so he chased after that one, too.  he ended up doing this 4 or 5 times to different geese who I guess were honking behind his back or something.  All in all, it came off like the one goose was being a total jerk, but he still hung out with the rest of the gaggle.  

A Goose always needs a good Wingman.  If it was a lot colder, I bet you would have been quite the Iceman.  

So nothing really came of this little goose spat I saw, but it was entertaining for a couple minutes.  Guess I'm just lucky a Cougar didn't come around and chase everyone away.  

It would have taken all the magic of Merlin to get out of that one.