It Means "With A Key"

One pot of coffee+one sturdy chain+one padlock = New NHL Collective Bargaining Agreement 

Yes, folks...Jeremy's favorite sport (or should it be "favourite"?) has been locked out again due to a labor (or should it be "labour"?) dispute between the NHL owners and the Players' Association.  This has incited Jeremy to rant.  Sit back, grab some popcorn, and enjoy the ride.  

So, the NHL had labor peace for a full 7 seasons.  During this time, 7 different teams won the Stanley Cup, I believe all but one team made the playoffs at some point (Sorry, Maple Leafs fans), the level of competitive balance was unrivaled in professional sports, and attendance has grown to be the third highest total of any sport in the world (Only MLB and Nippon Pro Baseball in Japan had more total fans).  This has led to an increase in overall revenues of over 50% in 7 years (remember that fact...it becomes important later).  Astonishing growth in any timeline, leave alone the fact that economic conditions in the US during this period have been the worst we've seen since the 1920s.  So what have the league and players decided to do?  Why, crap all over it, that's what!  

The last lockout (you know...the one that destroyed the 2004-2005 season in its entirety) was almost entirely the fault of the players' union.  The owners banded together and decided that the only way to save themselves from themselves was to implement a salary cap on the players.  Forget the fact that it was these same owners who ultimately determine the contracts afforded to players, it was the owners who couldn't be trusted, so the only way to reign in ridiculous salaries and competitive disparity (Hello, Major League Baseball?) was a salary cap.  The players banded together and said that there was no way they'd play under a salary cap (which, BTW had already been implemented in football and basketball), so they wouldn't agree and wouldn't negotiate on it.  The lockout dragged on for almost an entire year before the players gave in and accepted a salary cap tied to overall league revenues.  The collective bargaining agreement that was reached in the summer of 2005 was, in just about everyone's opinion a complete whitewash in favor of the owners.  The players had a salary cap, an immediate pay reduction, and limits to free agency crammed down their throats for the sake of finally playing NHL hockey again.  The resounding feeling among fans was that if the players were ultimately willing to accept such a large-scale negotiational whipping, why did it take 10 months and an entire NHL season to do it? 

Yes, the new collective bargaining agreement of 2005 was a triumphant victory for Gary Bettman and the NHL owners.  They savaged the Players Union and got what was essentially the CBA of their dreams.  Salaries were slashed, a salary cap and floor tied directly to overall league revenues was implemented, ensuring the "cost certainty" they had yapped about the entire time the league was supposed to be playing hockey.  The length of the CBA was 7 years, and if you had asked the owners to extend that to 20 years at the time it was ratified, there would have been a brawl among the owners to see who would get the pleasure of signing first.  It cost the league a season, but the owners got what they wanted, and the players looked like a bunch of whiny babies for arguing over higher salary.  Let the Golden Age of hockey begin! 

Fast forward 7 years.

The CBA of 2005 has been deemed so egregiously foul by the owners that they refuse to run the league for another day under its conditions, claiming that player salaries are crippling the league and that more than half of the franchises are hemorrhaging money.  Wait...aren't these the same salaries that are tied to league revenue which has increased over 7% a year during the Great Recession?  The owners have once again rallied behind Gary Bettman and have locked out the players until they figure out how to save a failing league.  Let me ask you this...if any business enterprise is failing as badly as the NHL owners claim their franchises are, why would there be no repercussions for the leadership?  (Read: Why the frig does Gary Bettman still have a job if over half of the league is doing so poorly?)  The answer is pretty simple...the plight of NHL teams is ridiculously overblown as little more than a negotiation strategy. This has led to a complete reversal of public opinion, where the fans believe that the League is doing nothing but crying wolf in order to squeeze every last cent out of the Players Union that they can.  Not uncommon in today's business environment.  Sure, there are other peripheral issues that are going around with the new CBA, but don't fool yourself.  This "negotiation" is about money, and who gets how much of it...pure, simple, and at least mildly offensive. 

Speaking of negotiation strategies...the biggest one seemingly employed by both the League and the Players Association seems to be walking away, leaving plenty of dead air in between meetings.  My proposal is simple and certainly far from original.  Take Gary Bettman, Donald Fehr (head of the Players Union), a handful of their cronies (no more than 3 per side), lock them in a room and nobody comes out until there's an agreement.  It works for selecting a Pope, certainly it's good enough for dividing a pool of money. 

In the interest of public opinion (which the Owners can not possibly win this time around), both sides of this dispute have spent considerable time and resources producing elaborate Youtube videos.  They serve as basically campaign videos (BTW...not a good time for campaign videos.  We're sick of them already) to apologize to the fans for not having hockey and to get people to believe that their side is right.  Here's a nutty idea...who the frig cares?  This whole lockout happens because of a complete disregard for the fans, who get cast aside every time there's an argument over who gets their money.  Why start pretending that we're relevant now?  I'm on the periphery, and the assumption is that when you come back, so will I, I'm bringing my money with me, and the only thing you need to debate is how much of it you get.  The fans don't matter one iota in these negotiations, so stop wasting your effort on PR garbage that just makes me write angry rants on a blag.  I already hate you for taking away my game again, I'm not going to like you any more for dragging it out and passing the blame to the other side.

FIX IT!