Apologies in advance

As far as the Vengaboys are aware, there is only one word in the English language that rhymes with "Boom."


How is it you know this? You don't actually listen to their crap, right?


When it comes to musical inanity, few groups can match the stellar output of the aptly-named Vengaboys. Most of the singing is done by the two female members of the group, in case you were wondering.

While most widely known for creating the dopey song that the bald guy dances to in those Six Flags commercials, Vengaboys also routinely violate Jeremy's Big Rule #1 on a pretty routine basis.


For those unaware, Jeremy's Big Rule #1 states that "If the lyrics of your song include the name of your group, you've written a bad song."


For reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, I was recently introduced to another one of their songs. Having remarkably low expectations, I was still disappointed. We'll go ahead and file this under If I Had To See This, So Do You.

The song is called "Boom Boom Boom Boom," and contains one word in the entirety of the lyrics that rhymes with "Boom."


Save yourself the pain...the word is "Room."


Given the tenuous grasp the lyricist has on rhyme, (The other key rhyme in the song is "Together" and "Forever") it's amazing that they couldn't come up with anything else. The second phrase in the chorus manages to rhyme "Boom" with "Boom" while inventing a phrase that makes no sense, regardless of how versed you are in double entendres.


Nobody knows what a "Double Boom" is. Again...save yourself by not listening to this trash. In fact...it's downright irresponsible of Jeremy to be posting it here. It can be considered harmful if viewed.

Have You Seen Me?

Beware the Wrath of Murray


Ladies and Gentlemen. A dastardly plot was enacted over this past weekend, resulting in the kidnapping of Jeremy's volleyball mascot, Murray. Any help you can provide to ensure the safe return of Murray to his rightful place would be much appreciated.


Murray is a symbol of all that is right and pure in the Volleyball world, and to think that somebody would kidnap him to obtain some measure of personal gratification is simply unfathomable. Murray is a mascot not just for myself, but for all who rubbed his head for luck.

Sure, some took his presence as a harbinger of their impending doom, (He has a pretty impressive winning percentage, after all) but any victory obtained through these types of unwholesome methods is the emptiest of victories. So, if you've seen Murray, or have any information about his whereabouts, please contact Jeremy Is In The Office as soon as possible.

Attached, please find a recent photo of Murray in his natural habitat. Photo has been borrowed from a store on the Interwebz.


The loss of Murray is certainly what caused me to not win the volleyball tournament as well as mildly injure my partner. The Wrath of Murray is the volleyball-related suffering that will be dispensed upon the parties responsible for his kidnapping until such time as he is returned. Murray is named after a Demonic Talking Skull, after all. Fair warning.

Dammit, Jeremy!

Attention children in the store who are named "Jeremy." Please behave so your parents don’t yell at me. Thank you.


You'd think the days of parents yelling at you in the store would be over by now.


Yes and no. I'm really good at getting my parents to yell at me...though now it's totally a conscious effort and more for everyone's enjoyment than anything else. It usually involves either juggling kiwis in the produce section, or The Skeleton Joke.

Anyway...as happens more often than you might thing, some other parent named their son "Jeremy" and that Jeremy is a jerk.


Yeah...okay...THAT Jeremy.


So not long ago at the grocery store, some jerk named Jeremy was running around the store like a crazy person. This caused his father to yell "Jeremy!" and I instinctively turned around. This is nonsense. This little jerk is giving us Jeremy's a bad reputation.


Like you need help...


So I implore all you youngsters named Jeremy. Just simmer down a bit when you're in the store. I'm sick of getting yelled at for your mischief. If I'm going to get yelled at, it's going to be for my own mischief.

More On Jeremy!

I love when articles start with the words "More On" and mention somebody’s name.


See? Because it makes you think they're calling that person a moron. Get it?

Anyway, in this special Apology Edition of Jeremy Is In The Office, we're going to bring you the Sametime Statuses you missed the last two days while Jeremy was too busy at work to write this stuff up in here. Very exciting!


Tuesday began with me wanting to punch people, because my alarm clock woke me up to the dulcet tones of Pat Benetar. That day's Sametime Status read: "The last known sighting of the phrase "Put up your dukes" was when Pat Benetar recorded "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" in 1979. This is disappointing."


I'm reasonably certain that Roscoe Coltrane used to say it all the time in "The Dukes of Hazzard."


That may well be the case, but I couldn't be bothered to look it up. Plus, I don't let silly things like facts get in the way of a fun Sametime Status.

Tuesday night saw a merciful end to the Curse of the Double Feature...but not in a huge way as "Dinner for Schmucks" filled out the second half of a twin-bill. (Granted, "The Expendables" was a pretty serious let-down in the front half, but that's beside the point) It wasn't a great movie, but it was pretty harmless. It included a quote that became Wednesday's Sametime Status: You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not.


So there you have it. You're now all caught up on the last couple days worth of Sametime Statuses. Hopefully, Jeremy won't be a slacker tomorrow and will close out the week in grand fashion...preferably without Rhetorical Friday.

With At Least 70% Accuracy!

Any other amateurs out there use a Traditional Grip for playing the drums in "Rock Band"?


You're hardly an amateur musician. Amateur Blag writer, sure...


First of all, playing "Rock Band" isn't exactly musicianship, and secondly, I am certainly an amateur drummer. Aside from having an IQ too high to be a drummer (You've heard the old joke, I assume? "What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool!"), I prefer my musical stylings to have...you know...music, rather than simply pounding on stuff. That said, when the opportunity arose to play the drumset for a rousing edition of "Rock Band", I jumped at the chance.


This would have nothing to do with the fact that you are made of suck at the "Rock Band" guitar, right?


Absolutely nothing.

So I start playing, and I quickly notice two things. First, the angle of the bass drum pedal is far too steep. This causes you to pull your foot up and back to a most unnatural position, resulting in massive cramps in your shin. Second, I noticed I was holding my drum sticks using an ironically named "Traditional Grip." I say ironic, because you'd think something that's "traditional" would be the simplest and most basic form...but it's not. Traditional grip involved having your right stick in a simple overhand grip, and your left stick in an underhand grip as shown in this Highly Reliable Source, as compared to a "Matched Grip" which involves an overhand grip on both sticks. Why this felt more normal to me, I may never know...but since it was good enough for 95+% Accuracy, I'm not going to argue. Also, if it's good enough for Buddy Rich, it's good enough for Jeremy!


What happened when you took the game off "Easy" mode?


I was slightly less successful, but that's entirely beside the point.

Abide, too

Obey the Monkey!


I normally only obey Hypnotoad.


Different sort of thing here, actually. The monkey in question here is printed on a sign reminding people of the rules of the Coffee Club.


Rule #1: You do not talk about Coffee Club.


Pretty much the only rule is that if you take the last cup, you make a new pot. Seems like pretty standard fare, and the type of thing that reasonably intelligent people (like those that I supposedly work with) should be able to understand.


Shouldn't you be getting your coffee at the Adorably Tiny Cafeteria Thing In Your Building?


And risk the wrath of the Toaster? No way. It also costs 4x as much down there. I'm not making that number up, either.

So anyway, the last few times I've visited the Coffee Club, I've been greeted by empty pots. This means I have to make coffee and wait around for it to be done before I can have some. This makes people think I have nothing better to do at work. So people...obey the monkey! Make sure there's coffee for everyone. Thank you, and I'll see you on monday!


Oh yeah...that's right. Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office tomorrow, 8/20, and will return monday, 8/23 with all new Sametime Statusey goodness. Enjoy the weekend, everybody!

Worse: Twizzlers

Good Idea: Placing a fan in an open window to blow in fresh air. Bad Idea: Doing so when there is a skunk outside.


I can see Mr. Skullhead now...holding a skunk...you know...because you jacked the whole "Good Idea:Bad Idea" concept from Animaniacs...


Yeah, yeah..."Good Idea:Bad Idea" isn't an original concept, but the material itself is all new. Or only a couple days old, as the case may be.


Has your house aired out yet?


It was really only the one room that had...uhm...issues. It pretty much went away overnight, so things are in pretty good shape right now. Thanks for your concern.


I'm only concerned because I'm crashing on your couch tonight.

The New Standard

Sliced Bread was invented on July 7, 1928...in case you were wondering


It's nowhere near Friday, so you're not going to turn this into that age-old rhetorical question about what the greatest thing before sliced bread was. I approve of this.


Well, as it turns out, that question isn't as rhetorical as people make it out to be. In fact, as it turns out, when Sliced Bread made its debut in 1928, it was marketed as "the greatest forward step in the baking industry since bread was wrapped." So the greatest thing before sliced bread was apparently wrapped bread. It would seem bread-related inventions were pretty stiff competition back then.

Anyway, since we now know when Sliced Bread came about, the next time you hear that something is "the greatest thing since Sliced Bread," you can be sure that it is better than the following great inventions of the 21st century:

• Scotch Tape - 1230
  
• Jet Engine - 1930
  
• FM Radio - 1933
  
• Nylon - 1935
  
• Color TV - 1940
  
• Slinky (Unrelated: Large spike in children's head injuries from falling down stairs) - 1943
  
• Atomic Bomb - 1945
  
• Transistor - 1947
  
• Credit Card - 1950
  
• Solar Cell - 1954
  
• Laser (Not mounted to sharks until 2009) - 1958
  
• Astroturf (Since outlawed by Crash Davis) - 1965
  
• Pong - 1972
  
• Gene Splicing - 1973
  
• MRI (A Personal favourite of Loyal Readers Mark and Jim) - 1977
  
• Cell Phone - 1979
  
• Prozac - 1988
  
• HTML (Lead Programmer - Al Gore) - 1990

IRL

RIP AVP


It's gone. Very sad.


Indeed. In case you missed the news that came last Friday, the 13th, the Association of Volleyball Professionals, more commonly known as the AVP Has Gone Bankrupt and will no longer be bringing thrilling beach volleyball action to some obscure cable channel, brought to you by sponsors you've never heard of or are responsible for making ridiculously ugly foam footwear.

In all seriousness, if you're running a sport which features the likes of Kerri Walsh and Jen Kessy, and you can't make it work somehow, you're doing something very, very wrong. Sure, there are some behind-the-scenes dealings with stock values and capital holdings and whatnot, but all of that stuff stops mattering if you market your product properly. Hans Stolfus said it very well in part of his long-winded, passive-aggressive and meandering article (linked above) in that the AVP and its fanbase are made up of volleyballers and nothing else. The AVP did not have the casual fans that accompany baseball and football. Everybody there either plays, used to play, or have kids who play. To grow beyond that, you need to branch out...and this does not mean putting your logo on Crocs sandals. It means getting the names and the pictures and the videos out there...bringing more awareness to the sport in a way the Olympics almost did.

But now, the AVP is gone, and the players will most certainly move to other places to play in tournaments more competitive that we'll be able to keep in the US. It's sad, really...but on the other hand...maybe waters down the competition for me.

More than just scratching!

Happy Vinyl Record Day, everybody!


What's a Vinyl Record?


The World Record for Vinyl was set by England's Archibald Smithson in 1993, when he wore a coat of vinyl that weighed 148 pounds. It really was quite impressive.

So anyway, short Blag for you all today, but a quick announcement that I'll be on vacation tomorrow. I'm trading in the cubicle for a roller coaster.


Oh...so here's where I do my bit, right?

Jeremy Is In The Office will be Out Of The Office tomorrow, 8/13...wait...you're going to ride roller coasters on Friday the 13th? Is this really wise?


Perhaps not...but I'll keep an eye out for ladders, mirrors, and cats while I'm there.


We'll be back on monday with more Sametimey goodness, and a whole new week of great stuff.


Actually, it's not even a whole week...I'll be out next Friday too.


When do you actually do any work?

SCIENCE!!!

In case you’re wondering, the answer to monday’s question was a resounding "No"


What was monday's question? I wasn't paying attention.


The question was whether or not Will Ferrell could break the Curse of the Double-Feature. Sadly, it was not to be. In fact...he made it worse. In most recent instances, the first film has been totally enjoyable, and the second (historically, Splice, Shutter Island, Knight and Day, Don't Mess With The Zohan) has been lousy. This time, both movies bit the big popcorn box.

Suffice to say that if you are particularly enamoured with Will Ferrell's type of humor (that being no-sell fish out of water goofiness and long-winded jokes that don't know when they're over) you may enjoy "The Other Guys" but since it's not my cup of tea, I didn't think much of it.

"Salt" on the other hand, I actually had higher hopes for...for some unknown reason, and it disappointed. Here's where I divert into a physics lesson. Believe it or not, Newton was right about that whole "laws of motion" thing. He was a pretty smart guy. Here's how it applies to action thriller movies with a chase scene. We've all seen it before in movies, and it's moronic. Our hero is on a bridge and sees a tanker truck travelling at 50MPH beneath them, they jump down, land on the truck and travel harmlessly away. Here's where Newton comes into play. When you jump off a bridge, your forward speed is precisely zero. You're only going one direction and that's down. In order for you to start going 50MPH on top of a truck roughly instantaneously, something has to hit you and propel you sideways...and hit you pretty hard, for that matter. There is nothing on top of a tanker truck to do that that won't break everything you need to remain solid. The same physics apply in all directions. You have a net velocity change of 50MPH in one direction...it doesn't matter if you're going from 0 to 50MPH sideways, or 50 to 0MPH down; the force needed to pull this off is the same force you would feel if you jumped off a 7 story building and hit the sidewalk. Do the math.

In reality, what would happen is you would slide off the top of the truck, maintaining your own lateral velocity of nearly 0 while the truck speeds away and you get splattered on the grill of the next vehicle coming down the highway. Yet, people do it all the time in movies with nary a scratch. This is nonsense, and it happened in "Salt" causing me to go into a nerdy rant on my website. Take that, Hollywood!

Cap Hit Math

Let the Ilya Kovalchuk Sweeps begin! Again!


Most of you probably know that an arbitrator ruled Ilya Kovalchuk's Deal with the Devils was a deliberate attempt to circumvent the NHL's salary cap, and allowed the league to void it, thus making Ilya a free agent all over again. The saga continues.


Indeed. There wasn't a whole lot of doubt about the fact that Kovalchuk's contract was designed to work around the salary cap. All they did was add a few extra years to the end of the contract with a bare minimum salary in order to make the average lower. This assumes that he won't retire once the numbers start going down...which given the length of the contract is about as far from a valid assumption as it gets. Watching Ilya, the Devils GM, and the team owner at the press conference giggling like school girls about putting one over on the league didn't exactly help their case.

Of course, the counter to this argument is that there are already a couple heavily front-loaded contracts like this one in the league (See: Pronger, Chris and Hossa, Marian) and why the league chose to arbitrarily draw its line at Kovalchuk's contract is a little fishy. The conspiracy theorists are quick to jump to the conclusion that the NHL wants Kovalchuk to play in a larger market to draw more money to the league. Whatever the reason, a stand needed to be taken, and probably should have been done before, but wasn't.

It's too bad, too...since I just did the math to come up with a contract of my own that follows the same system as Kovalchuk's now-negated deal. If I assume that I'm going to work until I'm 65 (also maybe an invalid assumption, but we'll go with it), and earn modest 4% raises each year, I figured out roughly how much money I'm going to earn in my career. If we just front-load that deal, and have me earn in the neighbourhood of $900,000 a year for the next 5 years, I can work for minimum wage until I'm 65 and come out with the same amount of money. Of course, there's no guarantee that I won't retire after those 5 years and go work somewhere else (See Favre, Brett), but it's a chance I'd be willing to take. Unfortunately, now the NHL put the kibosh on that sort of contract, so I'm stuck working for a while longer.

Not as bad as Madden

Who thinks Will Ferrell can break the Curse Of The Double-Feature?


Hmm...odds are pretty iffy on that one.


I agree. Not Long Ago, while doing a totally justified rant about the hack Nicolas Cage, I explained to everyone the paradigm of actors. Somewhere in between "Serviceable Actors" and "Bad Actors" there is a sub-category of decent actors who are just annoying. One of those is Will Ferrell. Why people absolutely love this guy is beyond me. While I don't have the hatred for Farrell that I do for the previously mentioned Cage, I can't say as if I've really liked anything he's been in. "Wedding Crashers" was quite good, but was brought down by the completely unnecessary Farrell cameo. I'm not sure if that last sentence was a spoiler or not, so if you haven't seen the movie, play it safe and don't read it.


Most people play it safe by never reading the Blag. Win-win.


Anyway...Also Not Long Ago, I introduced you to the Curse of the Double-Feature. The Tomatometer suggests that this latest attempt at breaking the curse may be successful, as "The Other Guys" is currently humming along with a 79%. We'll see how it goes.

I can't even make this stuff up

Good News! The cable company would like me to try the phone service they installed two weeks ago!


"CordSight" strikes again!


Many of you know that Not Long Ago, I succeeded in a brilliant negotiating tactic with my cable company in order to lower my cable bill by adding services. This was, of course, mere weeks after removing services in order to lower the bill they just raised and told me they couldn't lower. It was all very confusing.

Anyway, so a mere two weeks ago, the installer was at the house, kinda wondering why he was there, but went through the motions of checking signal levels and grounding and whatnot in order to tell me that everything was fine, and he didn't need to do anything. Well, yesterday I got a call from my friends at "CordSight" offering me a way to save money on my cable bill...and that's if I try out their phone service. Yes...the exact same service I had disconnected, then reconnected...they want me to have it connected so that I can get the "Introductory Rate" that I just got back.

Way to go, "CordSight"! You're inching closer to UPS in terms of companies doing moronic things. Keep trying...there's still a long way to go.

You can guess how they look at me

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Keep laughing, and they start to look at you funny.


I think I've heard variations of this before.


Yeah...I probably have too, but it seemed amusing to me when it floated through my head not long ago.

Sadly, it's been a pretty busy week at work, so not much time for Blagging. Sorry.


It's okay. Nobody likes this crap anyway.


Thank you for your support.

My Hero

We can all sleep better knowing that the Border Patrol is driving rusted-out old pickup trucks around southern New York


More like somebody confusing "Homeland Security" with biased, knowledge-free vigilante justice.


Exactly. This guy thought it would be cute and even patriotic to stick the words "Border Patrol" on his beat to crap old pickup truck a mere 300 miles from the nearest border with another country. (Mind you, I'm not counting the various Native American Reservations...which maybe I should, since they are sovereign entities...but I digress)

He's telling the world that he's responsible for keeping illegal immigrants out of the country, and good for him. He's got the ability and means, apparently, to know exactly who came to the country legally and illegally, and has been given the right...nee duty to apprehend them and deport them. I'm glad that there are people around willing to take on this burden, since the immigration office, the police, the federal, state, and local governments apparently haven't found the right way to deal with the "problem."


Perhaps it's because immigration and immigration reform is a horrifically complex issue, and people running around masquerading as officers of the law while enforcing their personal beliefs may not understand all of the aspects of it.


So to this guy who probably thinks himself a better American than you or me, I give a big hearty, "No thanks." You can keep your window sticker, your POS pickup truck, the in-cab gun rack I didn't see, but wouldn't be surprised if you had, and your narrow-minded views on immigration and patriotism. The rest of us are better off without them.

I love more classics

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


Ah, yes...classic cautionary tale from the Old Country.


Well, not exactly...but it's one that popped into my head this morning.


When you were on time for work...as in...showing up early.


What are you trying to say?


That you're not the second Mouse.


Well, when your place of work is in operation 24 hours a day, is there really ever a first Mouse?


Was there cheese?


When I got to my office, there was no cheese on the desk, no. That would actually be pretty unsanitary.