First person to make a Spongebob reference gets a kick in the pants

I think a turtle just swam past my office window


Sure it wasn't a tortoise?


Actually, yes. Tortoises aren't built for swimming, but turtles are. I learned this recently.


Astounding. You actually learned stuff.


So anyway...if you've seen a map of the eastern United States recently, you'll know that it's basically one big rain storm right now. Perfect for my newly-planted grass...assuming that we don't get enough rain to wash it all away. I think I'll be okay, though.

Anyway...weather aside, it looks like I'll be away for a bit, tending to some family activities, so have a good weekend, everybody!


Why do you make me do this for you? Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office tomorrow and monday. But fear not...we'll return on Tuesday, October 4th for more Sametimey Goodness...and the garbage that Jeremy does.

Canonically, he's in the details

If I were the Devil, I'd sue M Night Shyamalan for defamation of character


Been to the movies again, eh?


Yep...went to see the latest travesty of cinema by Not-Sure-Why-He's-Not-Yet-Described-As-Disgraced Director M Night Shyamalan. (In all fairness, Shyamalan only wrote the movie. Soon-To-Be Disgraced Director John Erick Dowdle actually directed here) Based on the fiasco that is "Devil" I've decided to put Mr. Shyamalan on my list of movie people that I'm through with. He joins the Coen Brothers, Will Farrell, Gary Sinise, and Stanley Kubrick.


No Nick Cage?


My hatred for Nicolas (Coppola) Cage goes beyond mere lists. Besides, this list is just for people that I just don't need to see anymore...not things I need to actively skip if I'm going to avoid having an aneurism.


Makes sense. Go on.


So this latest "film" written by a director that hasn't been relevant since 1999 has 5 people getting stuck in an elevator.


Okay...then what?


Nothing! That's the problem. The entire plot is they're stuck in an elevator. One of them may or may not be possessed by the devil, and most of them die because it's a "horror" film, but that's it. Roll credits.


Seems like a great short sketch.


It probably would be, but it goes on for 80 minutes. Mercifully short by movie standards, but about 70 minutes longer than the plot budgeted for.


Ever notice how your movie reviews tend to all be negative?


The bad movies are more fun to write about than the good ones. Besides, since the original Mr. Cranky retired and left his website to a bunch of chumps, nobody's doing negative reviews very well. I'm hoping to leave a mark...hopefully just not one like the mark "Devil" left in my brain. Nobody needs that.

This has been another edition of "Jeremy Is In The Theatre."

Never would have guessed

Apparently, selling Steamrollers on the side of the road is more common than I thought


Are you selling a steamroller?


Sadly, no. For various reasons, good bad or indifferent, I don't have a steamroller. However, a bizarre number of people do.


How many is bizarre?


Two.


I guess if you set your expectation low enough...


That's not really the point. If you remember Not Long Ago, I pondered buying a steamroller that was for sale on the side of the road on my way to work.


Four consecutive prepositions! Nice job, Jeremy!


Well, as much as I was dismayed that somebody else bought the steamroller, I really had no use for it. Little did I know that I would get another chance. On my way to work yesterday, I glanced out the window and saw a completely different steamroller for sale on the side of the road. I find this to be unusual...anyone else think so?

Either way...I think my ride home today will be a little slower...but make things flatter! Woohoo!

Revenge, Served Hot...Then Cold

Oh Karma...you work in mysterious ways, but sometimes, I love it


So did something good happen to you, or did something bad happen to somebody else who wronged you...at least in your own mind?


Some of both, actually. It's really quite exciting. So many of you remember A Rant I Did A While Ago about a purely fictitious conglomerate chain of home improvement stores that I referred to for purely Blag purposes as "High's Home Improvement Store." They were morons. After promising next day delivery on a washer and dryer I purchased there, they took 3 days to deliver, came late, and hooked the washer up improperly. I took out my frustrations in Blag form...UNTIL NOW!!


DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!!!


Not long ago, I got a postcard in the mail. It said that I was part of a Class Action Lawsuit against "High's" over improper installation of dryers. There's something about how the ductwork was installed in a number of cases, and I was entitled to the grand sum of $20.

Heck yeah!


Don't spend it all in one place.


Actually, the irony here is that I have a couple house projects going on right now, so the odds are pretty good that I'll end up spending that 20 bucks right back at "High's." But that's hardly worth mentioning.

Theme Week, Part Shiver me Timbers

Jeremy's Sametime Status Proudly Presents: If they were Pirates week! "Aye, e'erythin' be funny as long as it be happenin' t' someone else."


Okay...one more shot at this. Captain Michael Fabian?


So close...but not quite. Alas, "If They Were Pirates Week" has come to a close. Hopefully, you had fun with the week's quiz-ish thing. We'll be back next week with more Sametimey Goodness. I've been saving up all week!


Oh goodie.


No, really...there's some good stuff coming up. I promise!

Anyway, yesterday's quote was courtesy of Captain Oliver Hazard Perry talking about the Battle of Lake Erie. See you monday!

Theme Week, Part Avast

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: If they were Pirates week! "Aye, we be meetin' the enemy and they be our'n"


Ooo! I know this one! It's totally Jack Sparrow.


Yeah, no. The special nature of today's quote is that it was spoken by an actual sailor after a naval battle.

Yesterday's quote was of course originally spoken by Thomas Paine, before it was turned into a Bob Marley song. One more left...see you tomorrow!

Theme Week, Part Ahoy

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: If they were Pirates week! "The harder th' battle be, th' more glorious th' triumph."


That was Guybrush Threepwood, right?


Yeah, not quite. We'll see who else knows it. There are actually a couple other variations of this same quote floating out there, so it's either more or less difficult.

Yesterday's quote was, of course, the famous phrase originally spoken by René Descartes. See you tomorrow!

Theme Week, Part Gar

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: If they were Pirates week! "Methinks, tharfore me be, gar"


Awfully introspective for a Pirate. I'm impressed.


Today continues our piratey Theme Week for fun and no prizes. Yesterday's quote was, of course, Alexander Graham Bell's famous first words over a telephone...as spoken if he were a pirate.

Theme Week, Part Arrrr

Jeremy’s Sametime Status Proudly Presents: If they were Pirates week! "Arrr, Mr. Watson, come har, I be needin ya, gar!"


In celebration of International Talk Like A Pirate Day, held yesterday, Jeremy's Sametime Status, in association with Miracle Posting, Inc. is proud to present an entire Theme Week of famous quotes, slightly modified as if they were spoken by pirates. It's gonna be a thing!


It's a game of sorts, too. You get to guess what the original quote really was, in addition to the person who originally said it. No need to respond or send me emails or anything, since it's not a contest, and there are no prizes. If you get it right, you get the satisfaction of knowing you did your best. Today's starts off pretty easy, but in true Theme Week fashion, they get harder as the week goes on. So raise your grog mug, and have some fun with us as we set sail through the slightly modified annals of historical quotes.

We're havin' a heat wave...

Live! From the Frozen Tundra of Jeremy’s Office...


That's why I work from home...I get to control the climate.


You don't work...or have a home for that matter.


Not really the point, now is it?


I suppose not. Anyway, last week, some genius in the ol' Cube Farm here decided that it was too cold. They did what any self-important person would do, and called in a complaint to the facilities team, who promptly came upstairs and set the place to "Broil."

Not long after that, somebody else decided they were too hot, so the called in a complaint to the facilities team, who promptly came upstairs and set the place to "Meat Locker."

This happens startlingly frequently among the people who don't want to just leave crap alone and wear sleeves to work. So today, we're left with a workplace that resembles the northern coast of Alaska. We'll see what happens monday, when there will be palm trees growing on my chair.

He's weird

Who is Luke and why did he never heat his water properly?


It's a little selfish that he gets the mildly warm water all to himself. Maybe it was just named after him.


So not long ago, it was laundry night in the Jeremy household. One of my articles of laundry said to wash by hand in Lukewarm water. Knowing full well what this meant, I started to amuse myself thinking about who Luke was and what he was doing when he invented his own temperature of water.


I think he was one of the Dukes of Hazzard.


Nono...different Luke. Pretty sure this one was Darth Vader's son.


The guy from 90210?


That's him! Anyway...that's all I have in the way of stupid jokes today. Happy Thursday!

Seriously, we're all better off

Guidelines For Harmonious Living #9: Pants first, then newspaper


People still read newspapers?


It happens on occasion. People actually get their daily information from somewhere other than the Internets. Also on occasion, people will decide that the best place to read their newspaper in the gym locker room. Why this is, I have absolutely no idea...it goes against various social conventions, but whatever.


You come in, you shower, you get dressed, you leave. That's about it.


Exactly...but this one guy decides to sit there reading his paper. I'm not going to judge.


But you'll write a Blag entry condemning him?


I will write a Blag entry condemning his decision to sit there reading his newspaper before he put any pants on. Seriously, guy? You have better things to do right here. Put the pants on, then break out the newspaper.

Yet, they still use it...

Sorry, "Point Of Sale" Cash Register people, but the acronym "POS" was already taken


"POS" is not an acronym. It's an initialization.


While that's very true, it's a little cumbersome trying to explain what an initialization is an how it's different from an acronym within a one-line Sametime Status. So, in order to simplify everything, I just went with acronym. It gets the point across.


The point being?


That I'm amused whenever I see "Point Of Sale" machines (which are apparently different from an old-fashioned cash register), I'm amused because they're often referred to as "POS". Some of you may be familiar with "POS" being used as shorthand for "Piece Of Something".


"Something"?


It's a family Blag.


Fair enough.


So, to the people making Point Of Sale machines, you really should get to work on changing the name of your system. It'll really make your lives easier if your sales pitch doesn't refer to your product as a "POS". Just trying to help.

Don't Rant and Drive

Note to those writing those flashing road signs: Be sure to use grammar careful


You sound like Yoda.


It's strange how in some situations, poor grammar is easier to overlook than others. Such as saying "Use grammar careful." It sounds like crap.


It's okay. People reading this Blag are used to crap.


However, when a flashing road sign near the PA border tells passing motorists to "Drive Careful" it doesn't sound quite as bad. I'm not sure why...it's just as wrong.

Always a catch

Well, the good news is, I've located Murray...


You mean Murray, the Demonic Talking Skull from the Monkey Island Video Games?


No...actually, I'm referring to my Volleyball Mascot, to whom you were Introduced Last Week. After nearly a couple days with no sign of him, I started receiving ransom demands by way of Murray's new Facebook page. Most of the demands were pretty horrifying.


They made you watch a Nicolas Cage movie.


We don't talk about that.

Anyway, I've since managed to ascertain the identities of Murray's kidnappers, and his current location. That's the good news.


The bad news being?


Well, Murray was last seen in Oregon. It still remains to be seen how he's going to get back to the east coast.

I'm actually not making that up.


Well, you have a couple days to figure that out...because...
Jeremy Is In The Office will be out of the office the rest of this week. We'll return on monday, September 13th...okay, seriously? Monday the 13th? Maybe we should take an extra day off...there's no way that's going to be good. Anyway...monday, September 13th with a brand new week chock-full of Sametimey goodness.

Stupid Password Day

It’s Password Day! My email password is no longer un1cornz


As is always the case with "Password Day" Sametime Statuses, we feel compelled to inform you that neither this nor any of the other passwords written on the Blag here have ever been used as Jeremy's actual email password. This of course does not make it any less fun to make fun of him for even saying he's using a password like "un1cornz"...so have at it!


It's somewhat unfortunate that Password Day was today. I had a full week of quality Sametime Statuses lined up for you, and had to shift everything by a day to accommodate this silly little tradition.


You say that almost as if you're going to be working more than 2 days this week.


I simply said that I had the week all lined up. I said nothing about how many days that week would contain. So you'll just have to wait until monday to find out tomorrow's Sametime Status. Today's, you'll be able to read tomorrow.


I'm confused.


My work here is done!

It's kinda mean

I really wish that commercial would stop yelling at me for something I’m not doing.


Well then you should just not do that thing that you're not doing.


So there's this commercial that comes on the radio as I'm driving to work. It rhetorically asks if I'm texting while I'm driving, in an accusatory fashion. "You're not texting while driving, ARE YOU?!?" In reality, I'm not texting while I'm driving. I don't text that much period, let alone while driving. Regardless of what some road workers' union thinks of me, I'm just driving along minding my own business. Why they have to be so mean to me I just don't understand. It makes me sad.

I Have The Documentation To Prove It

I was customer #57 at the burger place!


Seems like you had about a 1/100 change of that happening.


Well, yes...but I've been to that particular burger place (For purely hypothetical Blag purposes, let's call it "Between 4 and 6 Gentlemen's Hamburgers and French Fries") fewer than 100 times, so it was a noteworthy achievement.


Noteworthy?


Well, 57 is my lucky number, in addition to being my jersey number at Volleyball.


Then why do you always use 83 when making up statistics?


Some things, noone can answer.