I Left One F Word Out

Seems like you only have to Fast and Furious enough to outrun a tank.  How hard can that be?

Seriously, Jeremy?  This is a new low, even for you.  This movie doesn't even open for another month.  You can't possibly review it now.

And yet, somehow I Find a way.  That's the magic of me!

No, that's what's wrong with you.

So, just in case you were hoping for yet another sequel movie exclusively about car chases, the Fast and Furious Folks are at it again with the sixth installment of this delightful Franchise.  This time, starring The Rock!

It still stars Jordana Brewster, so it's got THAT going for it at least.  Let me ask you this...have you seen ANY of the Fast and Furious Films?

I've seen Few of the Fast and Furious series, but it was enough.  In Fact, I think I've only seen Tokyo Drift, and I'm not even sure I know which number that was, but I can Feign knowledge and say it was #3. 

You're a Fool.

Fine.  You can think that if you want to.  So anyway, the sixth installment has hit the preview screens, and all the Forecasts say that the Film is going to be a hit.  It doesn't matter how recycled the plot is, how badly the characters are Fabricated, or how much you like screeching tires.  This is all about star power, and this Film Finds a way to stuff more and more Hollywood B-list celebrities into itself that people are going to Flock to the theaters to see it.  Just don't expect me to be one of the Followers.  

This has been another Flawless edition of Jeremy Is In The Theatre.

Specialized Careers Are Weird

Are there really professional hand-washers out there? 

Really hoping this doesn't devolve into some insensitive OCD joke here, Jeremy.

No, no.  Nothing like that.  This has to do with something that I've seen popping up now and again around public sinks.  

This is only getting worse...

Soap dispensers!  They've been around for quite some time, but only recently, I've started to see a certain type of soap dispensers from one manufacturer's line of "Professional" products.  To this, I have to ask...who out there is a professional hand washer?  Sure, there are plenty of jobs where washing your hands is an integral part of your career, doctors being one notable one, but to truly be a professional at using a hand soap dispenser requires a job that I don't really think exists.  Nobody goes to work, washes their hands for 8 hours, then congratulates themselves on a job well done, taking home a healthy paycheck.  It just doesn't happen.

So who are these "Professional" soap dispensers being marketed to? 

Lots of Heady Jokes Today

MISSING: One Giant Styrofoam Head.  If found, please return to Jeremy.  Thank you. 

Is this a vain attempt to deliver a Guybrush Threepwood punchline? I certainly hope not.

Nope.  I'm minus one giant Styrofoam head, last seen in the greater New York area.  It's part of the 60-foot roman statue I bought on eBay not all that long ago.  The head just came off and I haven't seen it since, though I did find the nose not far from where the head was last seen.  If you happen to come across the rest of the head, please let me know.

Well, as luck would have it, One Turned Up Recently.

This Is Actually True

Here’s a Fun Fact!  Over one hundred scientists have published a paper entitled “The Effects of Peanut Butter on the Rotation of the Earth”

I'd be surprised if you weren't one of these scientists.  Was this paper published on Wikipedia?  

Sorry on both counts.  I'm not one of the co-authors, and I actually have no idea where their findings were first published.  Finding that is left as an exercise for the reader.  

What I am willing to provide here is the full text of the paper...at the risk of a plagiarism complaint...but it's a risk I'm willing to take for you, my valued readers.  The paper reads as follows:

“The Effects of Peanut Butter on the Rotation of the Earth”

by George August et al

So far as we can determine, peanut butter has no effect on the rotation of the earth.

You Can Verify This On The Google

“Can you jam with the console cowboys in cyberspace?” - Erica Dansby

No I can't.  I don't think anybody really can...because...well...that's nonsense.  

Ah, the joys of technology.  One of the best parts of new tech toys is just how slowly some people pick up on them, and how funny they are sound talking about them when they try. 

So who is this Erica Dansby anyway?

Young Miss Dansby was a character on the 1993 children's show "Ghostwriter."  I'd tell you what it's about, but I quite honestly have no idea.  One particular episode dealt with the non-stop action world of a grade school newspaper, and their expose on computer hackers.  Because when I'm looking for hard-hitting journalism on such topics as computer hackers and which girls have cooties, I look to grade school newspapers.  Erica Dansby took on the article apparently due to her familiarity with the topic...which includes using the phrase "Can you jam with the console cowboys in cyberspace."  

See, the character certainly didn't write a line that absurd....it was written for her by some writer pretending to know something about the internet back in 1993.  Writers back in 1993 didn't know anything about the internet.  This makes for comedy in 2013.

Oh...and perhaps it's worth noting that the character of Erica Dansby was played by a 12-year old unknown actress by the name of Julia Stiles.  Perhaps you've heard of her now. 

I Shouldn't Have To Choose

Genuinely confused by the need for multiple types of “Total” toothpaste

At least Jeremy has good oral hygiene today.  That's a step or two up from usual.  

So I was in the grocery store not long ago, and I remembered that I'm running low on toothpaste.  It's like I use that stuff every day or something.  As you may or may not know, when you get to the toothpaste section of the grocery store, you're left with a dizzying array of products to choose from, and they all do ever so slightly different variations of the same thing...clean teeth.  While I usually obscure the names of major companies mentioned on the blag here, I'm going to go ahead and invoke fair use for satire and single out one of the companies, because I actually use their product and hope they won't sue me...I also can't think of a good way to obscure the name and still get my point across.  Keep in mind, loyal readers, I'm not asking you to not use this company's product...I'm just mocking their marketing.  The toothpaste of choice in the Jeremy household is Colgate.

I'm going to be out of a job here very soon, I can sense it...

A Fairly large portion of the Toothpaste Wall at my local grocery deals with Colgate's line of "Total" products.  When they initially created the Colgate "Total" toothpaste, I think we were all under the impression that it did everything you'd expect a toothpaste to do...in effect, the TOTAL of toothpaste technology.  Boy would you be wrong.  Upon further review, Colgate's line of "Total" products includes the following:  "Total Advanced Whitening," "Total Advanced Deep Clean," "Total Advanced Fresh + Whitening," "Total Advanced Gum Defense," "Total Clean Mint," "Total Whitening," and "Total Mint Stripe."  This apparently will soon be augmented by "Total Zx Pro-Shield Plus Sensitivity."  

How in the name of crap can you have so many different varieties of Total?  Total means everything!  If all of these Total products have different features, then none of them are, in fact, total.  By Colgate's own tacit admission, a toothpaste justifiably called "Total" should include, at a minimum, whitening, deep cleaning, freshness, gum defense, clean mint, stripes, Pro-Shield (Whatever that may be), and sensitivity.  Much like other products which use qualifiers and moved to superlatives too quickly (I'm looking at you, Droid Razr Maxx HD), I think Colgate jumped its own gun using "Total" for their toothpaste before they realized what Total truly meant.  They just hope we don't notice the fact that we're not getting the totality that we're paying for.  Apologies to Colgate, (and keep in mind, I just bought a tube of your stuff) but I am forced to Call Bunk on your Total Toothpaste. 

Homework Time!

At this point, what are the odds of getting two quarters with the same state depiction in your change?  No really…somebody do the math!

If only there was somebody around here who was good at math.  You know...like an engineer or something.  

So while things like statistical process control and giant spreadsheets of calculations are an important and almost definitive part of my job, I'm not so much all about probabilities and stuff like that.  I don't apologize for that.  I took a statistics class back in college, and that dealt with this type of thing, but it was a few years ago, it was really diverse, was taught by a guy more interested in selling his own textbook than teaching the course, and spent more time dealing with gradients and curls than probabilities. 

Also, this probability question is like...really hard.  

Here's why it's difficult.  You certainly only have a finite number of quarters in your sample to choose from...because there are only a certain number in circulation.  Factor in the different types of quarters...there's the old-school ones with the eagle on the back, plus 50 states, a couple territories, and now some national parks.  There isn't an equal number of any of these variations...so you have to take into account some sort of distribution having to do with the year the design was minted, the number of each that were made, the number remaining in circulation after collectors, random discards, and those coin-pressing machines at amusement parks.  Now you're left with a percentage of circulating quarters that contains a specific state design on the back.  

Now, deal with the composition of your change.  If we assume that every 1-cent increment of change from 1 to 99 cents occurs evenly (I doubt this is the case, but much like the Spherical Chicken In A Vacuum, let's just run with it.), you effectively have 50% of the time where getting two matched quarters is impossible because you don't get two quarters.  That is, anything between 1 and 49 cents, would only contain at most one quarter.  (This assumes, of course, that your Cashier Is Familiar With Money, which is sadly, no longer a valid assumption.)  25% of the time, you have one shot at getting it right, as anything between 50 and 74 cents will contain two quarters which would have to match.  From 75 through 99 cents, you get three quarters, and since only two of them have to match each other, and we don't care which two, your odds of meeting your criteria are dramatically increased. 

So all of this came about because I got 90 cents change from the Adorably Tiny Cafeteria Thing In My Building and two of the quarters were 1999 quarters with Connecticut on the back.  I thought to myself, "Hmm...what are the odds of that?"  Now, I actually want to know what the odds are, and I don't really feel like going through all the nonsense necessary to get the answer.  It's a pretty dark corner I've painted myself into.

It's Perdition's Flames All Over Again

Hearing someone say “Botany Bay” with a Russian accent will never be the same again


Yes, because that happens all the time in the real world.  You know...outside of Jeremy World.


I wasn't expecting to find it much either, but there it was.  I'm sure you're all familiar with the great Pavel Chekov line from Wrath of Khan where he discovers the ship on Ceti Alpha V.  He repeats to himself "Botany Bay?" with his thick accent, realizing where they were are who was about to arrive looking for them.  (Spoiler: It was Khan, and he was upset)  

Well, I started a new audio book not all that long ago, and the main character speaks with a Russian accent, and at one point, he talks about Botany Bay.  Not about the space ship, although the book does take place on the moon, but that's entirely beside the point, but about the actual body of water.  Either way, when the narrator spoke the line including "Botany Bay," my mind immediately went off to Ceti Alpha V and the crew of the Enterprise.  That happens a lot more than you might think.  

FIVE Dependents, HA HA HA!!!

Today’s show brought to you by the Letters S, R, and I…and by the number 1040

Hey kids!  Can you say "Audit?"  That's what Jeremy gets to do!

See, this is how rumors get started.  Rest assured there will be no audit in the Jeremy household this year...at least that I know of.  All of my taxes were completed some time ago and everything is on the up and up.  

Everything is up except your income, am I right, people?!

So anyway, for those of you caught unawares, today is April 15th, and your taxes are due today.  If you're like me, you planned ahead and actually got a small refund this year, so you were interested in filing your taxes shortly after you received all of the necessary paperwork, so you haven't had to deal with this nonsense for like a couple of months.  

That said, there are those chumps who make a big production out of filing their taxes as late as humanly possible as if it were some form of protest that the government will actually pay attention to.  They won't.  But you can keep right on trying if it makes you happy.

Everybody Likes Parfaits

Computers are like seashells.  If you put your ear to the cooling fan, you can hear the ocean during a hurricane

Can we just send you to a hurricane and have done with it?

Probably not.  I've already been through two hurricanes, and they're highly overrated.  In terms of entertainment factor anyway.  They're really windy and dumped a crapload of water all over the place, but there were no cows flying through the air or anything like that.

The air cow was from a tornado.  

And Dorothy's last name was Gale, so we all take a bit of literary license when it comes to weather phenomena, don't we?  

So anyway, we all know the long-regarded fact that if you put a seashell to your ear, you can hear the ocean.  I never thought it sounded like the ocean, but that's beside the point entirely.  Sure, the sound you're hearing is just reverberated ambient noise that's all around you already and merely amplified by the shape of the conch shell, but that is a much less fun explanation.  It's the ocean.  

A similar effect can be heard by shoving your ear in front of a fan.  The air rushing by your auditory canal makes noise, too...and it's louder.  Rather than saying it's a fan, you can just tell people that your computer sounds like the ocean.  If you say it enough times, it becomes the truth.    

What Is It That Keeps On Slipping?

It’s very convenient when your power comes back on at midnight.  You don’t have to reset any of your clocks

But you do have to put up with the blinking.  Also, your microwave just shows nothing until you reset the time, so you're stuck with that one, too.  

Well, if you want to take the fun out of everything, sure.

It's what I do. 

Thanks for that. 

You're quite welcome. 

So, needless to say, not long ago, there was a thunderstorm in the Greater Jeremy Area.  And as is invariably the case, when there is a thunderstorm, my power goes out.  I don't know why this is the case, but it is.  I've gotten used to it, and have even downloaded the power company's app to my phone to report outages.  I'm all 21st century up in here. 

So anyway, I'm not sure how long my power was out, since I was asleep for the entire duration, but I can tell you with complete certainty that the power came back on at precisely 12:00 AM.  I know this because all of my clocks were still right, but they were all blinking.  I found this to be remarkably useful, since I didn't have to go around figuring out what time it was and setting all of the clocks appropriately.  I just had to put them into set mode and back, and all was well.  This is especially good because that's about all my brain is capable of doing correctly when I first wake up in the morning.  

Go Look. It's True

There is a vast conspiracy to get me to open my cereal boxes backwards

Uhm...backwards?  Or are you just opening them upside-down so you can get to the toy faster?  

So I don't eat cereal very often, but when I do, it comes from a box.  I didn't quite realize just how much engineering went into the packaging and design of the box until recently when I stumbled upon the answer to an age-old question I had often pondered.  I've always felt that I was doing something wrong when I go to pour myself some cereal and I'm invariably left looking at the back of the box instead of the front.  Was it mere coincidence that this happens?  I say no!  The cereal company designed the box specifically to be opened so that when pouring, the front side of the box faces away from the pourer so others can see what cereal is being eaten.  Fact!  

Incidentally, I have this same problem with a coffee mug of mine, which I whine about ALL THE TIME.  You can ask people....it's true.  

Anyway...here's how they do it.  

So roughly 80-90% of the population is right handed, and thus would tend to pour cereal into a bowl using their dominant right hand.  So, it stands to reason that when opening the inner bag of a box of cereal, you would pull open the left side.  You use your right hand to tip the box to the left, cereal comes out.  Simple.  So why wouldn't it be a 50% chance which face of the box is facing you when you open the left-hand side?  Because the top flap, which is glued shut, is ALWAYS part of the front face.  The flap attached to the back face is the part that has the little slot in it.  Always.  The only way to open the cereal box is to turn it so the front side is facing away from you and slide your finger between the top two flaps to release the glue.  Once this is accomplished, you're left with little choice but to open the side the cereal company wants you to open, thus showing off the front face of the cereal box to the world.  You've now paid several dollars for a portable billboard for the cereal company, and all you get out of it is a part of a balanced breakfast. 

I Hope You Already Knew About This

I’m as outraged as you are that I haven’t mentioned the latest Bird Flu outbreak until now

Ladies and gentlemen.  It is our unfortunate duty here at Jeremy Is In The Office to occasionally break from the light-hearted frivolity you've come to expect here and pass along words of warning when the situation merits.  We've talked occasionally in the past about the upcoming Bird Flu pandemic, and it's time once again to issue a warning to you, the internets community, that we are again inching closer to a global pandemic nightmare.

That's right, everybody.  There is a new strain of Bird Flu currently ravaging the country of China.  Thousands of birds have been culled and/or removed from public areas in a vain attempt to contain the spread of the deadly H7N9 virus.  While there have been no documented cases of human to human transmission, it really is only a matter of time before that happens.  Six people have already died, with many many more still to come...should this disease strain break out into a full-blown pandemic.

Yes, we all know that it's coming, it's just a matter of when and if this strain is the one that will get us all.  I, for one, hope not...since the weather just started getting nicer.  But hopefully you're all prepared with your go bags and quarantine rooms ready to go.  Bird Flu is coming...will you be safe?  

Fun Facts Are Always True

Here’s a Fun Fact!  Barry Manilow did not write his hit song, “I Write The Songs.” 

This is actually true.  In fact, it was first recorded by The Captain and Tennille.  

So today's little bit of education and frivolity comes to you courtesy of some website I read the other day that had fun facts on it.  Over my travels, I've learned that most of the "Fun Fact" websites report fun facts that are not, in fact, facts.  One website claims that Toto made more money than Judy Garland for being in The Wizard of Oz, which is horrifically untrue.  I've learned to treat these fun facts as dubious claims and research them thoroughly before presenting them to you, my truth-loving audience.  

Because of this dedication to my craft, I can safely tell you that today's Fun Fact is entirely geniune.

Unlike every time you claim a statistic using 83%.

The song was actually written by famous songwriter/producer Bruce Johnston and recorded first by The Captain and Tennille, then by David Cassidy before Barry Manilow took his shot at it.  In fact, Manilow had to be convinced to record the song, since he had a mild objection to the lyrics at first.  I guess it worked out fairly well for him, as the single reached #1 on the Billboard charts in January of 1976. 

Do They Still Need Syrup?

Now I’m too nerdy to watch sitcoms.  It’s a sad day for comedy

At this point, I don't know if there's anything left that you're not too nerdy for.  I think maybe this is a sign.  

So last night, I decided to watch a little TV, and my remote alit upon the popular sitcom "Modern Family."  If you're not familiar with the show, becoming familiar with the show is left as an exercise for the reader.  What is important is that there was a segment of the show devoted to a series of poorly-conceived inventions created by one of the characters.  I forget what they all were, but one had to do with a Flaming Toaster, a coffee maker was involved, and another dealt with the concept of self-flipping pancakes.  The idea there was that if you add popcorn kernels to the pancake batter, the pancakes would flip themselves during the cooking process, and the spatula would be made entirely obsolete.  This would be Remarkably Unfortunate For Some.  I am forced to Call Bunk on this comedic gag. 

Here's my problem.

You only have one?

This popcorn-pancake (Or "Flipjack") invention has no prayer of working properly.  And that has nothing to do with the fact that you now have crunchy popcorn embedded in your fluffy pancakes.  It has to do with SCIENCE!  So, the best temperature for cooking pancakes is between 350 and 375 degrees F.  If you didn't know this, you know it now.  Everyone knows that if you turn the heat up too high on your griddle, you end up with black, charred, and bitter-tasting pancakes.  Ew.  Or else, you don't cook them as long, and the inside doesn't get cooked properly and you lose all fluffiness.  We all know that Fluffiness Is A Good Thing.  So, whether you realized it or not, you tend to cook your pancakes somewhere in that temperature range.  

Popcorn pops at 450 deg F.  Way beyond anything acceptable for pancake cooking.  So, you can't have it both ways.  Either your popcorn pops and flips your disgusting pancakes, or your delicious pancakes are cooked properly, but have rock-hard popcorn kernels embedded in them. 

My main problem, of course, is that I knew both of these numbers right off the top of my head and right in the middle of sitcom time.  I became more or less obsessed with the fact that proper pancake and popcorn temperatures differ by at least 75 degrees and I missed the next joke.  I need to stop watching sitcoms with scientific inaccuracies in them...or else, sitcom makers need to pay more attention to these types of things.  I pretty much doubt either of these are going to be the case.  

They're Pink Covers, Too

The Hawks have traded Jeremy to the Jets for a pair of skate blade covers  

Frankly, I'm a little surprised that the Hawks found a taker, even at that price.  Worst trade ever for the Jets.

So as some of you are doubtless aware, today is the NHL trading deadline.  The day that teams have to decide if they're still in it or not.  If they still have a chance, they can try to get one or two extra players to make a playoff run, or if they're out, they can jettison some overly-expensive player and save the money for the off-season.  

To be sure, a few high profile trades have already happened.  Jaromir Jagr has a new home in Boston, Robyn Regehr is headed to Hollywood, Jay Bouwmeestercan start singing the Blues, and Derek Roy, Michal Handzus, and Jordan Leopold all have new teams.  So who's left, and what's going to become of them?

Well, Mark Streit wouldn't mind getting off the Island, Roberto Luongo has been on the trading block since last year's playoff choke job, and teams are interested in 6'7" goalie "Big" Ben Bishop.  (It's pretty unfortunate to have both your first and last name starting with B when you're 6'7".  Your nickname is pretty much written on the wall at that point)  Will Derek Morris be part of YET another deadline deal, and will Brian "Soup" Campbell, who really hasn't been relevant since This Brilliant Piece Of Rick Jeanneret Announcing be heading out of the Sunshine State?  We'll all find out together!

Probably Not Vulcan

So I guess the government has to admit contact with extra-terrestrial life now

After years of discretion, there can no longer be any doubt about life on other planets.  It's a very exciting time to be alive.

So, as you probably saw on the news recently, the new microwave telescope designed and built by an international team of scientists started collecting data last week, and the first data revealed an unmistakably artificial pattern coming from a star 26 light years away.  This is the most definitive evidence ever that life exists on other planets, and in an impressively short time, too. 

So, for years there has been speculation that alien life has contacted earth, and even Landed In New Mexico, but the evidence has always been minimal, perhaps being kept quiet by the government.  That, of course, would be speculation and wild conspiracy theory.  But now we've finally come face to face with indisputable scientific evidence from an international consortium, so even if you were to believe the wild conspiracy theories about the government, it's pretty safe to assume that the secretive stance is about to end.  I hope you're just as excited as I am to watch the news coming in and wait for the greatest truly life-changing announcement of our generation.