Will Robinson was here

This Message created on equipment that may also handle peanuts


While it's very thoughtful of you to post a warning about the potentially hazardous content of your Sametime Status, I think a better warning label for your Blag would be "May be harmful if taken internally...or externally...or read."


This Blag has never harmed anybody.


Lots of people watched the music video for "Boom Boom Boom Boom" you posted a while back. That can lead to some pretty huge therapy bills.


I tell people not to try our stunts at home. Like the one where you jump in front of traffic.


Wait, what?

Nobody noticed

I'm actually somewhat impressed that auto-dialers can navigate voicemail systems now


I liked the old days when answering machines and voicemail would only record the end of a message because they thing would start playing as soon as the machine picked up.


Me too. Now, technology has come this far. The autodialer machines used by politicians to call people right before an election to annoy them into voting have figured out how to wait for the beep. And they do...a lot. Every day this week, I've come into work with my voicemail light blinking away, thinking that it might be something important and/or work-related, only to find it's some moron politician's computer calling me to leave me a message about why their candidate sucks less than the other guy.

Needless to say, I've deleted every last one of these messages before listening to the entire thing...pretty much as soon as I figured out it was a political ad.

Suffice to say, I'm sick of the election. It really needs to be next Tuesday so that this nonsense can finally stop.

If any high-ranking politicians are reading this, don't call me. It's obnoxious and it won't make me vote for you. Do your job.

I just don't get it

Okay, seriously. What is it with selling steamrollers on the side of the road?


Wait, Another One?


You got that right. In a remarkable twist of fate, yet another person has decided to sell their steamroller by putting it on the side of the road with a "For Sale" sign on it. It's uncanny.

This one is such a little baby steamroller, it's really quite adorable. I want it.


You never did figure out what you would do with a steamroller if you had one.


That shouldn't matter, should it? I wonder what these new people want for it...

Ooo! Pick me! Pick MEEEE!

Non-Stop political ads in October is like a 3rd grader cramming for a history test


It's the time of year that you run for office again, right?


Well, it's that time of every other year, actually. One thing that I actually did learn in history class (roughly the only thing) is that every 2 years, we elect the entire House of Representatives and one third of the Senate. There's also state elections which involve a senate and an assembly, and local stuff, too, but I have no idea what the terms are for those. All I know is that every 18 months, these people that we've elected to run our government stop doing their jobs for 6 months to run for re-election. Glad I'm still paying them for that.

Around this time, watching TV or listening to the radio (And now, even trying to play a freakin' game on my Droid) is a minefield of political advertisements, the vast majority of which are designed to get me to hate somebody. Okay...so I get it...everybody who's running for office is going to suck. They're going to raise my taxes, send jobs overseas, increase the deficit, raise premiums on my health insurance, destroy public schools, unleash a pride of lions on the city, start World War 3, and cover up the outbreak of Bird Flu. If all these people are such jerks, why do we have to vote for any of them? Shouldn't there be a "None Of The Above" option, which would leave the seat vacant if it got the most votes? As much as I think that's a terrific idea, I'm saddened to think that it might win.

It seems to me that if all these candidates did their jobs better in the 18 months that they do work, they wouldn't have to campaign so hard for reelection, and their opponents wouldn't have so much complaining to do about they job they've done. It very much harkens back to history class, where I'd spend the night before a test poring through all of my notes trying in vain to learn history. If I had spent the weeks between tests learning history, maybe I'd know some of it (Probably not, but that's counter to my point, so we're going to go with it). So my message to all of you politicians is simple. Stop spending 6 months yapping about the changes that you need to make in the next term and start spending your current term...oh, I don't know...earning my tax money!!!

Jerks.

The Statute of Limitations is like 48 hours

The Yankees don't even have the common decency to lose during the week, so we can properly give our co-workers the business


That's unfortunate. The hilarity has time to die down for those of us who correctly need to give the business.


For some reason, Yankee fans don't seem to quite understand the level of humiliation that is appropriate for wasting another $200 million on a failed season of baseball. Apparently, pitching is the problem...from what I'm told by the sports reporters on TV. It would seem $54 million isn't enough money to buy a fool-proof rotation, and you still end up trotting out AJ Burnett to stink up a game for you. Incidentally...any other team that jumped on an albatross like Burnett would be crippled for years...the Yankees just brush it off and chase after $20 million worth of Cliff Lee in the offseason.

When your team has the ability and inclination to do this, and you still can't win, this is a miserable failure of beyond epic proportions. In fact, much like "Battlefield Earth" this 2010 Yankees team should be the new yardstick by which all failure is measured. No matter what it is you screw up at any point in the next 10 years, you should be able to say, "Well...at least I'm not the 2010 Yankees," and everyone will have a hearty laugh and forget about your mistake.

Why is it always just me?

Is it just me, or is the song "Undisclosed Desires" by Muse lifted from Prince


As a general rule, it's just you. I'm just sayin'.


It usually is, I'll grant you that...but this time, I don't think I'm wrong. I've heard Muse's song a couple times, and I like it. I was listening to it the other day, and "When Doves Cry" by Prince popped into my head. At first, I didn't understand why, but then I realized that "Undisclosed Desires" is basically the same song.


Nope...just you.


Really? That's unfortunate. Have a good weekend!

I know why we cook bacon...

Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?


Your one-liner attempt at a though provoking quandry notwithstanding, but there are plenty of recipes for cookies that involve frying them in a pan.


I've also baked bacon, for that matter...wrapped around some seasoned shrimp for an appetizer. It was awesome!


Basically, bacon wrapped around just about anything is pretty awesome.


Of course, bacon baked into cookies...not as awesome as you might think.


I don't know if I think that's very awesome at all, really.


They weren't terrible.

Not what I expected

Somebody may now explain to me why I have the "Pink Elephants" song from Dumbo stuck in my head.


You snuck into the clown party again last night? That's probably the only logical explanation.


The only one, huh?

So as it turns out, I wrote this Sametime Status a couple days ago when I had the Pink Elephants song stuck in my head. I have no idea why, clearly...and it makes no sense. I wasn't drunk, nor a flying elephant. I haven't seen the movie in years, particularly that portion of it, which I always hated...not because I'm afraid of evil clowns or pink elephants, but because I just always thought it was stupid. Of course, at the time, I probably didn't realize the fact that Dumbo was drunk on some form of clown grog.

Anyway...I wonder if this is one of those situations where the Internets can change personal history. Maybe if I find that clip on Youtube or something and watch it again now, I'll see the true meaning of it, or find the song less irritating, or just in general find it less annoying.


I think you have to be loaded for that to work. Wait until you get home.


Thanks for the tip.

Are they still fighting monkeys?

Coming soon: Snakes On A Plain. This Time, They're In Nebraska!


Awful. Just awful.


Ahh, homonyms. Is there anything they can't do?

Been waiting all year

Happy "National Chocolate Cupcake Day" Everybody!


MMmph Myoo


Sorry, everybody...LIR has his mouth full with some of the delightful chocolate cupcakes we have here to celebrate National Chocolate Cupcake Day.


Phroo ahh ehhooff


Very true...the readers ARE all jealous that we have cupcakes and they don't.


Ehh ahh meihphmoof


I agree...they really are delicious. I'll have to thank whoever brought those in for us.

Let me out!

Twelve up. 21 to go!


Occasionally, we here at Jeremy Is In The Office like to provide wholesome, heartwarming Sametime Statuses as a feel-good public service to the community. Then, typically, Jeremy will go and ruin it. Today, we celebrate the rescue of the Chilean miners as a triumph of both courage and engineering.


Not to mention a complete failure of American news reporting.


And there it is. As of this writing, 12 miners have been safely brought to the surface, with 21 remaining. Jeremy's Sametime Status at work will accurately reflect the current count, but the Blag will remain as is. And now, back to Jeremy's Soapbox.


News coverage sucks.

I'm all for the fact that this rescue is being covered by outlets like CNN, but I'd like to take issue with one of the items on their website. There is a clock showing the amount of time that has passed since the "start of rescue." It currently shows about 11 and a half hours. Uhm...correct me if I'm wrong, but the mine shaft collapsed on August 5, which is a little over 2 months ago. Didn't the rescue start right about then?

What's the point in keeping a running clock on how long it's taken to extract these people from the mine? Is it like a Burger King drive-thru where they're trying to keep statistics as to which crew is doing a better job? Are they trying to improve efficiency for the next time a mine collapses and they have to shuttle people out one at a time through a half-mile long tunnel that's about a foot wide? Or did somebody at CNN find a little script for a running clock and think it would be great to add to the website for a while to create artificial drama in an already captivating rescue? Holy crap, CNN.

What if he's full of it?

As it turns out, "Papal Bull" isn't what you think it is


It's not a formal decree from the Vatican?


Uhmm....in that case, it's exactly what you think it is. So uhh...what else have you got?


Well, I was thinking of coining a new phrase today. I'd like people to start using the phrase "Jeremy Bull" which also means exactly what you think it does. It will refer to just about anything you post on the Blag here...because it's bull.


I don't know about that.


I think it's golden. Trust me...it's gonna be a thing! "Jeremy Bull!" Tell your friends!

There really is no scale

How wrong is it that when I hear talk of "Perdition's Flames," I think "Wrath of Khan" before I think "Moby Dick"?


Mildly to moderately. Wrath of Khan was pretty much based on Moby Dick. Khan quotes Ahab fairly liberally throughout the film.


Everyone knows this. In fact, many people have noticed the copy of Moby Dick that was sitting on the shelf of the Botany Bay when it was marooned on Seti Alpha V.


Okay...being able to reference "Botany Bay" and "Seti Alpha V" from memory is creeping into a slightly more dangerous realm of wrong.


Fair enough. So today's Sametime Status is based on a real-life event. I forget what it was I was watching or listening to at the time, but somebody referenced "Perdition's Flames" and my thoughts immediately sprang to Ricardo Montalban. All this despite the fact that on my last road trip, I had the MP3 player working on an audio book version of Moby Dick.

In fact, even while "reading" Moby Dick, when I got to the Perdition's Flame bit, I thought of Star Trek. It was a little weird.

This is going to cost me like 85 minutes

You've won this round, "The Asylum"...but it's not over!


Wait, what? Has Jeremy finally been shacked up in the wacko basket?


Uhm...no. I'm writing a Blag.


Wishful thinking, I guess. So what Asylum are you talking about?


You may remember A While Ago, I introduced you to a quality piece of film called "Snakes On A Train."


It was a piece of something, that's for sure...


Well, I did a little research, and as it turns out, that movie was put out by a film studio called "The Asylum" which specializes in "Mockbusters." That is, they find a movie that's actually good and making money out in the real world, and then they make a horrendous, ultra-low-budget movie of nearly the same title, release it only on DVD, and turn a modest profit. The two films often have little if anything to do with one another, aside from having a nearly identical title. The hope is that you confuse one with the other and buy their piece of crap and don't realize your mistake until it's too late.

So not long ago, Robert Downey Jr. starred in a new Sherlock Holmes film, aptly titled, "Sherlock Holmes." I had wanted to see it, it did well at the box office, had a totally decent 70% Tomatometer...but I never got the chance. I came across "Sherlock Holmes" while updating my movie queue on an online movie rental site that for strictly Blag purposes, we'll call "InternetFlickershows" and immediately sent it to the top of the list.

Little did I know that the fine folks at "The Asylum," who destroyed 2 hours of my life with "Snakes On A Train" also put out a film entitled "Sherlock Holmes" which involves flying dinosaurs attacking London. I'll let you guess which one showed up in my mail.


Why don't you just put the real one on top of the list and send this one back?


That would make me look stupid. I don't want to be that guy...


HAHAHAAAA! This is totally like the thing with the coffee grinder.


This has nothing to do with that. I categorically deny the accusation that...


So Jeremy once bought whole-bean coffee instead of ground, and instead of just admitting the mistake, he ran out and bought a coffee grinder.


Categorically! Deny! Freshly ground coffee simply tastes better.


Yeah, okay...whatever helps you sleep, Bean Boy.

Seriously...Everything

Hockey season fixes everything


Except the scores. See what I did there?


It's true. Hockey season is the cure for everything that ails.

Don't know what to watch on TV? Flip on a game! (Incidentally, Carolina and Minnesota are playing right now...as of this typing anyway)

Can't think of anything to do with your friends? Head to the arena!

Feeling sick? Stay home and watch the replays!

Work got you down? Surf the internets for the latest scores and analysis!

Doing cardio at the gym in the morning? Rangers in 60!

That guy at the store being irritating? Throw down the gloves and go all Raitis Ivanans on his sorry hide.

The list is endless. Welcome back, hockey season! We've missed you!

How Cold Can You Go?

Welcome to Home Heating Limbo


It's a nice place...until of course, Chubby Checker comes in and ruins the whole thing.


Different sort of Limbo, but thanks for thinking outside the box on this one.


My pleasure.


Like most homeowners around this time of the year, I'm debating when to officially give up on summer...


Most people do this around the Autumnal Equinox, but your mileage may vary.


...and flip the thermostat from "Off" to "Auto", thus beginning the heating season. This is more of a concern now that I have to pay for heat. Therefore, this becomes an act requiring pondering and procrastinating. The longer I can put up with a house that's 3 or 4 degrees below optimal, the better. Add in the sleeves factor, and I can buy myself an extra degree or two. However, good fortune must run out at some point, and the heater will be turned out. This will be a sad day, as it signifies the true end of summer.