I appreciate the effort, but...

I don’t think reading my name off of a screen is exactly a "personal touch."


This seems to be a bit of misplaced anger resulting in an amusing rant. I'll make popcorn.


So it seems there's a movement afoot lately to add a little bit of home-town feel to large, faceless, atomatonic corporations. Why this is, I don't know...but it's happening, and it needs to stop.

I don't always like it, but occasionally, I find myself in the large, faceless, atomatonic corporation WalMart. In the last couple months, I noticed something new. On the screen where I type in my PIN (1-2-3-4-5) after swiping my own debit card (actually taking yet another personal interaction out of the transaction), before it even tells me it's time to swipe, it asks me if my cashier greeted me. Knowing that this question will be statistically analyzed by the best mathematicians minimum wage can buy, I always hit "No." My answer aside, the fact that the cashier saying "hello" to me is a variable that Walmart feels obligated to take into the equation bugs me. Walmart doesn't care who I am or how I'm doing today, as long as I have money in my checking account for the crap that I buy in their store...yet they want to make sure I'm greeted by a cashier who has roughly zero chance of actually recognizing me personally, let alone pronouncing my name correctly.

It doesn't stop at Walmart. I was in Sam's Club the other day, (and before you write me emails, yes I know it's the same company) and I noticed something horrifically disturbing. Onto each cashier was pinned a $1 bill and a button saying "If I don't thank you BY NAME, ask for my dollar." Again, this cashier doesn't know me, has no idea what my name is, and doesn't care either...yet they're trained to say, "Thank you, *brief pause to read off the screen) Jeremy" when they swipe my membership card.

The exact same incident happened recently at the gym. Slightly different scenario here, as I'm actually a frequent visitor, but the receptionist is not my friend. They've started doing the same thing after I scan in...saying "Thank you Jeremy...have a great workout!" first thing in the morning when I feel like slapping anybody who's even the slightest bit bubbly towards me. Recently, it became worse when she actually said, "Good morning Jeremy...*Brief pause to read something else off the screen*...OH HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Not only have we descended to the point of reading names off of screens, but now even the trivia of my life and small-talk are embedded right into the system for easier access.

It won't be long before each of us is tattooed with a barcode across our foreheads, and we can all walk around with a scanner, which will send information from our shirt-computers onto an implanted optic display that will tell us somebody's name, serial number, occupation, birthday, and favourite dessert topping so when somebody new walks into my office, I can just shine a laser at them and say, "Welcome to my office, Salesman Bill. I see you'll be turning 27 later this week, I hope you enjoy some spray-can Redi-Whip with your cake."