Sabermetric Economics

The New York Yankees now have more salary on the Disabled List than the entire healthy Florida Marlins Roster. Congratulations!


I hate the Yankees.


Me too. And there's a certain level of satisfaction I get from today's fun baseball fact. As of this morning, the following human capital players and annual salaries are on the Yankees Disabled List:

• Brian Bruney ($0.725 Million)
  
• Wilson Betemit ($1.2 Million)
  
• Jorge Posada ($13.1 Million)
  
• Alex Rodriguez ($28 Million)

Yeah, I don't make that much.


Neither do I...in fact, as my old history teacher used to say, (and given my absent love of history, this is about the only thing I remember him saying) "Statistics Lie and Liars use Statistics." So statistically speaking, A-Rod and I average $14 Million a year!


If you put your head in the oven and your feet in the freezer, on average your body temperature would be okay! You should try it.


In total, the Yankees now have a ludicrous 42.99 million dollars worth of livestock sitting around injured. The entire Florida Marlins payroll is $22.65 Million for this year, and here's a fun fact: the Marlins have a better record! As of last night's games, Florida sits on top of the NL East at 15-11, and the Yankees are wallowing at 14-14, good for 4th in the AL East.


Here's a fun fact: Roy Halladay threw his third consecutive complete game loss last night.


That's not as fun.

Anyway...not that I'm advocating violence or anything, but if somehow, injury were to befall backup third baseman Morgan Ensberg, the Yankees DL would surpass the entire team salary of the Tampa Bay Rays.

If some misfortune were to happen to Kyle Farnsworth, his career 28-46 record, his 4.45 ERA, and his $5.9 Million salary, then the Bronx Bummer's All-DL team would sport a salary of 48.2 Million dollars, greater than the entire Oakland Athletics Roster.


This is fun. Who else can we break?


Let's not get carried away.

Monsters are cool

The monster is inside you in the form of an obsessive desire for the unattainable and unhealthy expressions of anger that will get worse as you age, no doubt leading to your incarceration as an adult.


Wow....uhm....I'm sorry. For whatever it was I did.


Today's Status comes to you courtesy of the whimsical webcomic Thingpart, which often times is as disturbing as it is hilarious. In this particular episode, a profound life lesson being taught by a mother to her young son goes completely unnoticed as the child then professes a desire to be Frankenstein. Before you start writing me emails, the kid did specifically say "Frankenstein," so I'm quoting it. Yes, I know that the more correct term would be "Frankenstein's Monster" since Frankenstein himself was the mad scientist who created it.


Mad science is fun too.


Indeed it is. Here's some mad science in action:



The point of that being...?


It's a robot whose sole purpose in life is to turn itself off. Most people would say that's pretty useless. Most people would say it's pretty nerdy. Some people would say it's a pretty fun invention. I would start thinking about state diagrams and the logic built into the EPROM to make it work. That's just how I am.

It's like taking a bite of moldy drywall

Still trying to get the taste of Basement Cheese out of my mouth.


Alright, you're really going to have to explain that one.


So yesterday was the giant beer festival up at the local ski lodge. It's really quite entertaining for the first hour or so, and then you're too busy falling down to truly appreciate the rest of it.


To use some programming language, Beer != Cheese


Yes, but they also have food at the thing. There are a handful of food vendors with booths, and there is also the occasional fast-moving server carrying a tray of appetizer-y things on a stick which last a grand total of 17 seconds after the drunken masses descent upon him or her like frenzied sharks for a bite of teriyaki chicken...and possibly wood if they're not careful.

One of the food vendors was a table full of various fancy cheeses. There were labels describing what country the cheese was from and what type of animal was used to obtain the milk, but there was no warning sign that said, "CAUTION: This Cheese Tastes Like Your Basement." That would have been helpful.


So it wasn't great?


I have now vandalized the Wikipedia entry for "Understatement" to reflect the new definition you've just provided.

This stuff was horrendous. The only description that came to mind at the time (And this experience did not occur in the aforementioned first hour of the festival, so take it for what it's worth) was to think of the way a damp, moldy basement smells...and that's how this cheese tasted. To borrow a phrase from Roger Ebert's Review of Battlefield Earth, it was unpleasant in a hostile way.


Being compared with Battlefield Earth is never a compliment.


Quite. Unfortunately, I was a little...umm...preoccupied to write down the name of this particular cheese in order to educate the Readership of the dangers...so you're on your own. Sorry.

I'm sure Roadrunner tastes like chicken

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just go to a drive in and buy some McNuggets?


Maybe it's just the thrill of the hunt.


Or maybe it's a rhetorical question put forth for comedic effect.


Or maybe there's no McDonalds in the Greater Vast-Empty-Desert Area, presumably somewhere in either Arizona or New Mexico.


And yet, there's quite often large delivery trucks speeding along the roads at the most inconvenient times. Where are they going?


Are we going to sit here and rhetorically analyze Coyote and Road Runner cartoons all day? That would be cool with me.


As much fun as that would be...I do have to get to work at some point today. So instead of talking about Road Runner cartoons, let's watch one!


Sounds like a plan.


Here is one of the all-time great Coyote and Road Runner cartoons, called "To Beep or Not To Beep." The most prominent feature of this short is the Catapult Series, in which Wile E. Coyote gets whooped up on repeatedly by a rock-flinging catapult. File this one under "Repetition is Funny" as the device finds new and ever-increasingly creative ways to dump a giant boulder on top of our hero.


Is the Coyote really the Protagonist here? Granted, we see each episode from his perspective, but he's the bad guy. Nobody actually wants him to catch the Road Runner.


All part of the creative genius. Enjoy!

Maybe he wersn't

"Wish I could, but I can't. Well, can, but won't. Should, maybe, but...shorn't." Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin


Oh, there's that nutty Michael Scott again making up words.


Yeah...there's nothing quite like a manager delegating his responsibilities to focus on a pet project for his own personal gain.


Not that you'd know anything about that.


Of course not. One thing I do know about, though, is comedy...


People reading this crap may think otherwise.


...and one of the staples of comedy is Slapstick humor. You always have your basics...the upside-the-head slap, the kick in the groin, and of course, the Classic 'Frying Pan to the Head.' One of the most simple and pure Slapstick comedies is people falling down. To that end, eBaum's World has assembled this Amazing Collection of Faceplant Photos for your edutainment. Enjoy!

I'm getting hosed here

I never answer when somebody says, "Penny for your thoughts," because if I put in my two cents, I don't know where the extra money is going.


Maybe that's what happens when you change somebody's mind.


Wow...I can't top that.


I win!


So, we've talked about inflation...who wants to see a freakin' cool video about DEflation?


I do! I do!!


Then here, for your edutainment, is SCIENCE:

Happy Earth Day!

To celebrate Earth Day, we will conserve electricity by not having a Sametime Status today.


So everyone reading today's blag is a Mother-Earth-Hating jerk who's not concerned about the affect their computer use on useless drivel like this Blag has on the environment?


Pretty much. So to save you all some time, there will be no Blag entry today either.


That is so Earth-conscious of you. Thank you for this, Jeremy. You are a hero.


You're welcome, Earth!

For your own sake, stop reading now.

It was a dark and stormy night...


Okay, this is obviously a Snoopy reference.


Although everyone's favourite Beagle did begin many, if not all, of his literary exercises with the sentence, "It was a dark and stormy night..." that wasn't the intent here. It references a story I heard this morning and had to punish/share with you. Here we go:

• It was a dark and stormy night.
  
  The captain sat down with his crew and said, "Arrr...nights like this remind me of an old sea tale. He began..."It was a dark and stormy night...
  
  The captain sat down with his crew and said, "Arrr...nights like this remind me of an old sea tale. He began...

Okay...we get the joke.

• "It was a dark and stormy night...
  
  The captain sat down with his crew and said, "Arrr...nights like this remind me of an old sea tale. He began..."It was a dark and stormy night...
  
  The captain sat down with his crew and said, "Arrr...nights like this remind me of an old sea tale. He began...
  
  

Please stop...

• ..."It was a dark and stormy night...

I'm leaving.

• The captain sat down with his crew and said, "Arrr...nights like this remind me of an old sea tale. He began...

Brown can kiss my @$$ for me

UPS = Useless Parcel Service


UPS Sucks.


Let me just straighten this soap box out for you.


To use a sporting analogy to describe my feelings toward this waste of space and oxygen company, UPS is now a collective 0 for the century in delivering stuff to me correctly and on time. That's not even an exaggeration. They have never once gotten a package to me on the first try. You'd think that since all they do is move boxes from one place to another every single day of their meaningless little lives, that they could have learned to get it right by now, but you'd be wrong. Here are some of the methods UPS has used to screw up deliveries to me:

• UPS delivers to my location sometime between 9AM and 8:30PM (Yes, Ive gotten both extremes). It varies from day to day, and really is a crapshoot, and makes it difficult, nay impossible, to plan your day around waiting for them. And you DO have to wait for them because....
  
• UPS refuses to leave deliveries at my door without a signature. Even the signature on the little card they leave to say they wouldn't deliver it without a signature is apparently insufficient. I tried this once, and the next day, a new card was there with "Signature Required" now circled 17 times as if I was the one who couldn't read. So an In Person signature is required....unless...
  
• A couple years ago, I spent my bonus on 2 DVD's and a new laptop. The DVD's were originally delivered on Wednesday, but they left the little card instead because I wasn't there to sign for them. I stayed home from work on Thursday to make sure I was there for the delivery, and also because the tracking website said that the laptop would show up that day as well. Didn't happen. So, I stayed home from work Friday as well...waited all day with nary a peep from UPS. I checked the tracking site again, and it said the laptop was delivered. There it was, sitting outside the door. So, 30 bucks worth of DVD's I have to sign for in person, but a $1200 laptop computer, ordered FROM THE SAME STORE, they can just toss at my door and not even knock.
  
• A few years ago, they started delivering all of my packages to the rental office in my complex, so they could sign for me. The rental office closes before I get home from work, so I still have to take time off work to pick it up. The rental office started getting inundated in people's packages, and there was no room to walk around, so they stopped signing for stuff.
  
• A recent delivery was delayed over a week because it was ON A TRAIN THAT DERAILED!
  
• Another less recent delivery was delayed an entire weekend because UPS wouldn't deliver that day due to a "Snow Emergency." We got a grand total of 3 inches.
  
• If they screw up delivery, you can go online and change your delivery option to hold your package at the depot...which is conveniently located 35 minutes away from my place. The depot is only open for like 5 hours in the middle of the day, and only during the week. If you don't pick it up on Friday, you're waiting until monday. So a package DELIVERY service lets you go to their depot when it's darn good and convenient for THEM...unless...
  
• When you go online and tell the depot to hold your package there for you to pick it up, the depot's computer network is down, they never get the message and they put it on a truck anyway, thereby wasting all the time you spent driving to the depot, and now you have to race back home to wait for the truck to show up. Unless....
  
• UPS calls you on your cell phone to tell you that the package WASN'T ADDRESSED TO YOU, AND WAS DELIVERED TO THE WRONG FREAKIN' ADDRESS!!!
  

So please, people....stop using UPS. They're morons. They only have one job to do, and they're terrible at it. I swear upon my computer and the upcoming litigation papers that each of the above stories is 100% true and not exaggerated in any way.

In a recent ad campaign, UPS has taken to having some mullet-headed loser drawing cute little airplanes and boxes on a whiteboard to show you what a good job they do delivering stuff. Well, here's my version of a whiteboard drawing expressing my feelings towards UPS's ability to do anything correctly:

It's tradition!

The 2008 Annual Ottawa Senators Playoff Collapse is now complete! Congratulations, Pittsburgh Penguins!!


Congratulations, Pens. It was only a matter of time before somebody beat the Senators. It is the playoffs and all.


Exactly. The history of the Ottawa Senators franchise is a tale of playoff woe that stretches all the way back to 1996.


Ancient history...


Since the 96-97 season, the Senators have qualified for the playoffs 11 consecutive years, finishing with over 100 regular season points 6 times, and winning the President's Trophy for best regular season point total once. Each time, they have come up short in their quest for Lord Stanley's Cup, often failing miserably....6 times (including this season) being bounced in the first round of the Playoffs. This is terrible.


Speaking of Terrible...does the lack of Dunder Mifflin quote mean there's no Office today?


Oh, not at all! It's simply a matter of one tradition taking precedent over another, so the Senators Playoff Collapse message had to be run today. Rest assured...in my best Inigo Montoya impression..."There will be Office TONIGHT!"

A guy walks into a Chinese restaurant...

For the record: Walking into a Chinese Restaurant and ordering a Pepperoni Pizza – Not Funny.


If you actually did this, I will lose all respect for you, and punch you.


Well, fortunately for both of us, I didn't actually do this. I was merely a witness. It happened at lunch yesterday, when the guy behind me decided this would be the height of comedy.


Did it work?


Not only did the guy taking orders not understand what he said, and thus not laugh, but I was off to the side thinking, "Wow...that has to be the worst attempt at comedy I've heard today."


Although, the exact opposite scenario is pretty comedic.


Very true. Mitch Hedberg used that particular bit in one of his comedy sketches. It's on either "Strategic Grill Locations" or "Mitch All Together"...I forget which, and I can't be bothered to look it up. He makes light of commercials that say, "Prices and participation may vary," and his dream is to start a McDonalds and not participate in anything. The result would be somebody walking in and ordering a Bic Mac. The cashier can then reply, "NOPE! We've got spaghetti!"

Holy Moley!

What did Avogadro wear to the ball? For-Mole attire.


That's terrible. Simply terrible. We are no longer speaking.


If that's all it took, I would have run this Status months ago!


...


Alright...my own Blag! I know just what to do with it. Entertain everyone with the following video from the Muppet Show:

Up where?

What is Evil anyway? Is there reason to the rhyme? Without Evil there could be no Good, so it must be Good to be Evil sometime.


This can't possibly be the ending to the long-standing Evil Jeremy debate, can it?


I sincerely doubt it. He'll still call me Evil Jeremy, even though he's actually the Evil one. It's not like one of us has a magnetic goatee to easily distinguish evil like Flexo here:



Well, technically, wasn't Bender the evil one, and Flexo ended up being good? Bob Barker even said so.


That's true, but Bender impersonated the Evil Flexo by adding the facial hair magnet.


But Flexo still wasn't evil.


Not the point. Regardless, today's Sametime Status is of course from the South Park movie. Arguably the best song in the show being Satan lamenting his lack of ability to live in the regular world. Let's have a look:

Rhetorical Friday!

What disease did cured ham have?


Must have been Bird Flu.


That would be the most logical explanation.


So Jeremy, how many cases of Avian Influenza have had a documented Avian to Porcine transmission?


Offhand, I'm not sure...but there is a resource you can check out for all of the latest information, outlooks, warnings, and threat levels regarding the H5N1 Virus. Ladies, Gentlemen, and people from Elmira (Perhaps the Elmira folks most of all), the website that may save your life over the coming months:

Bird Flu Breaking News


Wow...that's very helpful information there, Jeremy. They even have an up-to-date tally of confirmed Bird Flu cases and deaths. How did you come across such an invaluable resource?


Actually, they found me. Not long ago, I had a post regarding the H5N1 virus, and the fine folks at Bird Flu Breaking News proactively searched the InterTubes looking for any and all information they can find regarding this deadly disease. For a very brief time (Before they realized that this Blag is actually a bunch of crap), they actually linked to this very site as a resource for life-saving tips. My hat is off to them.


Mine too. Keep up the good work!

We're gonna party like it's before the writers' strike

"It's about to get all stupid up in here!" Michael Scott; Dunder Mifflin


YAAAAAAA! Office!


That's right, folks. After a far-too-long hiatus, the fine people at Dunder Mifflin return tonight to entertain us all.

Tonight, Jim and Pam get duped into a dinner party at Michael's condo.


That's it?


Yeah....it's been so long since the last episode, I don't remember what happened. Glad that writers' strike is over, huh?


I came all the way over the Interwebz for this?


Okay fine...he's an old stupid engineer joke to make it seem more worthwhile:

• During the French Revolution, a priest, a lawyer, and an engineer are about to be guillotined.
  
  The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He declares that he's been saved by divine intervention, so he is let go.
  
  The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade. He claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.
  
  They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Ohh, here's your problem..."
  

Playoff Beards Suck

Please support my Sametime Status Petition to ban Playoff Beards.


Other than not looking all that great, I don't really see the issue. In fact, Some Other People seem to like the idea.


Since the Stanley Cup Playoffs get underway tonight, I've decided to take up this issue with today's Sametime Status. I have two issues with Playoff Beards.

1: They don't work.
The simple math of it is that only 6.25% of the NHL teams who grow playoff beards win the Stanley Cup. That is to say, every one of the 16 teams that make the playoffs grows playoff beards, but 15 of them fail in their quest to win. Why bother with a silly superstition that doesn't work 15 out of 16 times? It's kinda like a lucky dance people do at the convenience store when playing the lottery. Yes, I've seen this....it was horrifying.

B: The superstitious nature of it is all out of whack.
In the immortal and edited words of Crash Davis, "Don't [mess] with a winning streak." This is the purpose of Playoff Beards. If you keep the same shirt on, or the same underwear, or don't shave, or wear the same socks...you'll keep winning. Well here's the problem. You got to the playoffs by winning. And while you were doing this, you were changing your shirt, drawers, socks, and you were shaving. So now that you're in the playoffs, the superstition changes?


Well, I'm still growing a Playoff Beard.


Go right ahead...I'll be waiting with a pair of hedge clippers after the Finals.

No more Stamkos

...And with the SECOND pick in the 2008 NHL draft, the Los Angeles Kings select...


Wait...they got the second pick? How did that happen?


So it seems the LA Kings can't even tank a season properly. In the last week of the NHL regular season, the Kings scored a huge upset win over the San Jose Sharks (Jeremy's Pre-Season pick to win the Stanley Cup), putting them in a tie with the Tampa Bay Lightning for 30th overall in the NHL. Since LA achieved their number of points with more wins than Tampa (A regulation tie is worth 1 point if you lose in OT), that meant that the Kings win the tiebreaker for 29th place. The last regular season game comes around, and the Kings start perennial all-stars Dan "Beachball" Cloutier, John "AARP" Klemm, and Brian "Skills" Willsie in an all-out attempt to lose, which they achieve, dropping a 4-3 decision. All Tampa needed was one lousy point to secure 29th place...which they can't do, giving up 2 goals in the last 56 seconds of their game against the Thrashers and losing 4-1. Jerks.


So isn't there a lottery or something?


Indeed...and the lottery was held last night. The way it works is that the teams draft in reverse order of finish, but in order to prevent a team from tanking a season (See the aforementioned Cloutier and Willsie starting lineup) in order to pick first, the #1 pick is somewhat up for grabs. Here's how it works:

One team wins a weighted lottery (The last place team gets a higher percentage of the winning numbers), and upon winning has the ability to move up to 4 spots in the draft. In that case, any of the bottom 5 teams can move up to #1, and the rest of the league picks in seed order. So, for the Kings, with their 29th place finish, their only chance of picking first was to win the lottery...whereas had they finished 30th, they could have either won the lottery, or had any of the 17-24th place teams win and secured the #1 pick.

In this case, the Tampa Bay Lightning had the #30 seed, and the highest percentage of winning lottery numbers. They ended up winning the lottery and secured their number 1 pick in the upcoming draft.


So the Kings could have ended up picking 3rd?


Indeed. An entire season of suckage, and all it would net is a #3 draft pick...that would have been tragic. As it is, they pick second...leaving almost no chance of Stamkos. :(

GET DOWN FROM MY OBSTACLE!!!

&$%*, I think &*%$, you slimy @$(*# little %&*# &!&*(@# and a *%$@&!!!


Wow....bad morning?


Not at all.


The readers will understand....it is monday and all.


No really. Today's status message is not a rant at all, merely a family-oriented impersonation of a movie.


Must be a great movie with dialogue like that.


Well, this weekend, I decided to watch Full Metal Jacket again, and the status message is an homage to R. Lee Ermey's Gunnery Sargent Hartman. I watched the movie again partially because Sargent Hartman amuses me to no end, partially because it was on TV, and partially because I was curious to see if I would understand the ending this time around.


And...?


And Stanley Kubrick gets the better of me again. I get the duality of man stuff. I get the dehumanization of Joker...but I can't for the life of me come to grips with the fact that an entire platoon of Marines march off into the sunset singing the theme to The Mickey Mouse Club.


This spoiler alert brought to you by Miracle Posting Incorporated. If it's a good Blag Post, it's a Miracle!


Yeah...that's not really a spoiler, since it's somewhat of a throw-away thing at the very end of the movie that has nothing at all to do with the plot, characters, or anything else. I just don't get it.


Speaking of movies and guns...


Yes. So it seems that it's time to bid a fond Farewell to Charlton Heston, who passed away this past weekend. I'd also like to point out that this Blag is far too classy to run a "Cold Dead Hands" joke here.

Cleanup on Aisle 7!

There is no emergency that can be solved with a paper towel.


Not that I'm disagreeing, but how did you come to this stunning realization?


Glad you asked.

So I'm at the gym this morning, and the paper towel machine didn't complete the dispensing process completely, so there's no towel to grab ahold of.


The horror!


As is commonly the case, there is a knob on the side that you can turn to force the machine to turn and provide you with a paper towel. I go to turn the thing and get distracted by the large sticker on the side explaining how the knob works.


You're easily distracted.


The sticker says, in Bold Type I might add, "For emergency feed, turn knob..." This got me thinking just how overused the word "Emergency" is. Managers at work use it all the time to describe something slowing down, or when somebody has a question and the usual person to answer that question is on vacation.

It also got me thinking about what sort of "Emergency" situation could arise where somebody, wearing a cape or otherwise, could swoop in and announce to the gathered masses, "I'll save the day with my paper towel!" He or she could then procure a paper towel from the machine using the "Emergency" knob and wipe something up, thus saving countless lives, millions of dollars in property damage, and/or apprehending the spill fiend and giving them their comeuppance.


Well there is the situation where somebody infected with H5N1 comes into the gym and spends time on a treadmill, sweating and leaving residue on the bar or touch screen. When they're done, they try to wipe the machine down, but they can't because there's no readily available paper towel so they just leave the gym. Then, the virus is allowed to linger on the bar and multiply for hours or days at a time, mutating and becoming airborne due to the fans circulating, thereby infecting everyone who comes into the room all day. If just one of those people then heads to JFK for an international flight, they can infect every person in the airport, on the plane, in their destination country and the final destinations of everyone else on the plane, starting the very catastrophic chain reaction of Bird Flu infection that you yourself warned us about in a Theme Week last year. Within a week, the entire world's population is infected and dying, and all because there was no Emergency Feed on the paper towel dispenser.


I suppose there's that. In that case, I used the emergency feed, wiped down my treadmill and saved the world. I'll be expecting my medal soon.

Dave, you scare the crap out of me.

"It is difficult to fight against anger, for a man will buy revenge with his soul. Heraclites, 500B.C." - Dave Titus


How deep and profound. Very unlike your traditional Sametime Status flotsam.


Part of the point, really. The fact that Dave Titus was quoting what appears to be some ancient philosopher is a total shock.


I'm afraid you've lost me.


Dave was a character on the former sitcom "Titus," loosely based on the life and comedic stylings of Christopher Titus. Dave is Titus's adopted brother who was basically brought up in the same family and endured the same treatments as his brother. He's also a raging idiot. This quote represents a very rare moment in the show where Dave says something this deep and insightful, and also pulls out an obscure piece of history....assuming Heraclites actually existed in 500BC. I'm going to assume he did because I can't be bothered to look it up.


That's good science.


I agree. And science is based on observation. So take the following observation test and let me know how you did:

I appreciate the effort, but...

I don’t think reading my name off of a screen is exactly a "personal touch."


This seems to be a bit of misplaced anger resulting in an amusing rant. I'll make popcorn.


So it seems there's a movement afoot lately to add a little bit of home-town feel to large, faceless, atomatonic corporations. Why this is, I don't know...but it's happening, and it needs to stop.

I don't always like it, but occasionally, I find myself in the large, faceless, atomatonic corporation WalMart. In the last couple months, I noticed something new. On the screen where I type in my PIN (1-2-3-4-5) after swiping my own debit card (actually taking yet another personal interaction out of the transaction), before it even tells me it's time to swipe, it asks me if my cashier greeted me. Knowing that this question will be statistically analyzed by the best mathematicians minimum wage can buy, I always hit "No." My answer aside, the fact that the cashier saying "hello" to me is a variable that Walmart feels obligated to take into the equation bugs me. Walmart doesn't care who I am or how I'm doing today, as long as I have money in my checking account for the crap that I buy in their store...yet they want to make sure I'm greeted by a cashier who has roughly zero chance of actually recognizing me personally, let alone pronouncing my name correctly.

It doesn't stop at Walmart. I was in Sam's Club the other day, (and before you write me emails, yes I know it's the same company) and I noticed something horrifically disturbing. Onto each cashier was pinned a $1 bill and a button saying "If I don't thank you BY NAME, ask for my dollar." Again, this cashier doesn't know me, has no idea what my name is, and doesn't care either...yet they're trained to say, "Thank you, *brief pause to read off the screen) Jeremy" when they swipe my membership card.

The exact same incident happened recently at the gym. Slightly different scenario here, as I'm actually a frequent visitor, but the receptionist is not my friend. They've started doing the same thing after I scan in...saying "Thank you Jeremy...have a great workout!" first thing in the morning when I feel like slapping anybody who's even the slightest bit bubbly towards me. Recently, it became worse when she actually said, "Good morning Jeremy...*Brief pause to read something else off the screen*...OH HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Not only have we descended to the point of reading names off of screens, but now even the trivia of my life and small-talk are embedded right into the system for easier access.

It won't be long before each of us is tattooed with a barcode across our foreheads, and we can all walk around with a scanner, which will send information from our shirt-computers onto an implanted optic display that will tell us somebody's name, serial number, occupation, birthday, and favourite dessert topping so when somebody new walks into my office, I can just shine a laser at them and say, "Welcome to my office, Salesman Bill. I see you'll be turning 27 later this week, I hope you enjoy some spray-can Redi-Whip with your cake."

All good things...

I am in the office.


Well, folks. Our time together has reached an end.

The management at my company has taken notice of the daily Status Message changes and Blag entries and told me in no uncertain terms that it is not only a distraction, but a violation of the company policy on the use of business assets. I am therefore saddened to inform you, The Most Intelligent Readership In The World, that after several months of fun, edutainment, and 144 posts, that this will be my final entry.

From now on, my Status will read "I am in the office" when I'm in the office, "I am away from my desk" when I'm away, and "Please do not disturb me" when I'm presenting.

I'd like to thank you all for reading my drivel over the past months and wish you well on your continued surfing. I'd like to think that you all feel that the Internet was made a little bit drearier this morning. Once again...thank you, and good luck to everyone!

-Jeremy