There's A Convenience Store Across The Street

A 5 dollar bill was out of order in my wallet.  It was mass hysteria

I'm very disappointed in you, Jeremy.  How could you let such a thing happen?

I'm not sure why I let things get this bad, but it was traumatic earlier today when I found out.  

So, the term "OCD" is highly overused, with people with mild compulsive tendencies over dramatizing themselves, claiming they have a clinical diagnosis of a debilitating disorder.  These people are insane.  

I, myself, have a couple small compulsions, though you'd never guess that by walking through my house 90 percent of the time.   About the only thing I'm really excessively scrupulous about is the cash in my wallet.  At all times, the bills must be lined up facing the same direction, right-side-up, and in denominational order.  This simply makes sense.  You either do it this way, or you're wrong.  This method makes it a very straight-forward process to determine roughly how much cash I have on me at any given time (Couple 20s in the back = OK.  Handful of Bills, and a Single in the back = I'm broke).  I can also pay any cashier with ease, knowing exactly where any bill should be...no more sorting through wads of folded-up money, trying to figure out if that 1 really means 10.  

Well, the whole dang opera fell apart today when I discovered a 5 mixed in with the 1s.  I don't know how a tragedy like this could have occurred, but my best guess is that I got a single back as change and just put it in the back of the pile, not realizing that there was a 5 back there.  Either way...massive systemic failure for Jeremy.  

This horror show was only compounded later.  Since I had like 8 dollars, it was time for a trip to the ATM.  The machine spit out my fat stack of 20s (not really all that fat, if I'm being honest...please don't mug me), and every last one of them was in a different orientation than the previous.  I had to stand there for multiple seconds, the machine desperately asking if I wanted to make another transaction while I sorted the mess out.  At least I had the presence of mind to put the new bills in the back of my wallet.  (Right next to my mace and stun gun...please don't mug me.)

6 Or 7 Problems, Tops

I want to hear a rap song about a guy who is a mediocre rapper

This is a lie.  Jeremy doesn't want to hear any rap songs.  

Okay, so while "want" may be a subjective term here, it's probably safer to say I would be interested in the existence of one.   

As you know, 83% of all rap lyrics are spoken in the first person narrative, mostly centered around the individual rapper's dealings with the clubs, women, money, guns, drugs, and automobiles (including the size of their associated rims).  Often, substitute names for these items are provided and are usually not safe for a PG audience such as the one which reads this family-friendly Blag. 

Another main point of emphasis is the fact that the speaking rapper is a better rapper than any other.  This is a recurring theme amongst every rapper, which would seem to discredit their claim on being the best rapper, but that seems to be no deterrent.  Every rapper I have ever heard claims to be the best rapper.  As one example, Kendrick Lamar, Jay Z, Raekwon, Kool Keith, Fat Joe, Papoose, Uncle Murda, Mobb Deep, and The Notorious B.I.G. have all made unsubstantiated claims to being the "King Of New York."  I'm not making any of those up.  

So, I'm more interested in the rapper who understands that in the voluminous genre of hip hop music, his contributions are probably not the greatest.  Bell curves exist for a reason, and over 99% of all data is within a couple standard deviations from the average.  Evidence and science suggest that if you do come out with your own rap album, despite how many claims you make to the contrary, you probably fall somewhere in the middle.  But I guess nobody wants to hear a rap song about a guy who makes a decent living, rolls on 16s, goes to the club once in a while and has a couple drinks while he's there.  

I mentioned the family-friendly nature of the Blag here, which is why I'm not going to link to a video of Jon LaJoie's parody music video "Regular Everyday Normal Guy," but you can probably find it easily enough if you're interested. 

I Don't Have Any Relatives Named Waldo

New Hobby, ignoring the poster and just looking at a picture on Facebook to try to guess which person I actually know

I'll stick to MySpace, thank you very much.  

Facebook sucks.  

As much as I have some suggestions for improving it (My best idea is filtering posts by author and subject.  ie: if a friend posts a picture of his dinner every single night, but you still want to stay Facebook Friends with that person, filter out any posts by that person with a photo of food or the hashtag "nomnomnom."  This is not a hypothetical example.), I've largely given up on having a giant atomatonic corporation take my advice on their product.  Suffice to say, whatever changes are made to Facebook will not really improve the finished product, because the finished product is actually a by-product of what other people put onto it.  I hope that sentence made sense.  

Basically, people post crap on Facebook, and Mark Zuckerberg isn't going to change that.  It only gets worse as more external sites add a "Post This To Facebook" button, making the spread of obnoxious banality that much easier.  As a consequence, I get to scroll through 10 different results to the "Which 'My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic' Character Are You?" quiz.  (Incidentally: Discord)  Combined with that, the novelty of setting my default language to "Pirate" died away some time ago, and I never changed it back.  I rarely post, "Like", or comment on anything.  I never respond to messages, and Throwback Thursday can stick it where the sun doesn't shine.  It's entirely up to me to make my social media experience tolerable again, but the usual stuff has lost all of its luster.  New ways to enjoy Facebook are required! 

I'm "Friends" (Technically "Me Hearties," but that's splitting hairs) with 260 people and in Facebook limbo with 3 others.  Most of those people don't seem to post anything either, but among the rest, I have some "Hearties" who post a lot, and others who post A LOT.  What I've taken to doing is scrolling past their name without looking (at least trying not to cheat) and guess, based solely on the post, who said it.  

Some of them are easier than others.  Baby pictures are easy and posts about parenting advice only have one or two options.  Right-wing political rants are from one person, right-wing political rants with non-stop spelling errors are from another.  Left-wing political rants have a handful of choices, but sometimes are given away by locality.  Somebody talking about what they did at crossfit today only has one possibility, and posts with more than 3 hashtags (all of which spelled incorrectly because they end in intentionally repeated letters and I don't know whyyy) are the same 2 or 3 people every time.  

There are other posts when it gets hard, and here is where the challenge and thus, potential enjoyment lies.  Some real life examples from my current Facebook Feed:  "Good old duct tape, what would we do without you?" "Lobbying, representing Tennessee. Let's get them to tennebelieve in nuclear physics," and "So was the Clippers protest their armbands or the pathetic game they played against the Warriors?"  Those really could have come from anywhere, so I can only rely on my personal knowledge of my friends and their tendencies to post stuff to deduce who wrote them.  (Believe it or not, I got 2 out of the 3 correct).  

The most fun comes from pictures.  A lot of the time, people post pictures of themselves and I look at them and say, "Oh, that's *Insert Me Hearty's Name Here*" and move on with life.  Of course, some of my Hearties are from years ago, and I haven't actually seen them in ages, but I'm pretty good about recognizing them.  Then, there are the group photos.  Pictures including 10 or more people, most of which I've never met before.  They contain a single Hearty blended out of context with a group of total strangers.  I will occasionally stare at one for entire seconds looking for the one person out of the conglomeration that I actually recognize.  It's basically my own little version of "Where's Waldo" but I'm not told in advance which Waldo I'm looking for or how he's dressed.  I don't even have to pay for the book! 

No Dancing, Either

There was a fox in my back yard recently.  Unfortunately, it didn’t say anything


So we still have no answer to that question.  That's a shame.  


So recently, I added to the stable of wildlife that calls my back yard home.  We're all familiar with my pet deer, my canary Rodney, and the neighbor's cat.  There have also been the occasional sightings of wild turkeys and other birds, noteworthy and otherwise, and there may have been a raccoon at one point, bit I'm not sure.  Well now, I have a fox.  It really was very exciting.

I'm not so sure I've ever seen a fox before, but there was definitely one the other day.  Just trotting his way across my yard, doing his little fox things.

Much to my chagrin, however, he didn't say anything.

If you don't get the joke, I don't understand how, because you're on the internets, so you must have seen This Video by now.  

Also: Chemtrails!

So I guess it’s back to plastic bags and styrofoam plates for me


Coming down off our Earth Day high horse a little hard, aren't we? 


Well, I figure that if it's good enough for everybody else to pollute and litter the environment 364 days of the year, only to be reminded that we currently only have one planet to work with one day in the middle of April, then it's good enough for me! 

Sure, the Earth is important.  To paraphrase The Tick, it's where I keep all my stuff.  That said, generally speaking, I don't do a whole heck of a lot of good for the environment.  I drive at least 25 miles a day in an only mildly fuel-efficient car (about 26MPH city during the summer...less in winter when I have snow tires), I heat my home with fossil fuels, I use plastic bags on many occasions, the Adorably Tiny Cafeteria Thing In My Building uses plastic utensils, styrofoam plates, styrofoam coffee cups, and sells single-serving snacks in plastic bags.  (God save me, I can't understand why the little bag of Gummi Worms is in the "Healthy Snacks" display)  I fertilize my lawn and use a sprinkler when I plant grass seed.  And my mower runs on gasoline. 

But I don't completely suck. 

Yes, I do a better job than many people when it comes to sorting my trash for recycling.  My car is mildly fuel efficient...as in I don't drive a giant truck.  I turn lights off when I leave a room and don't leave the water running while I brush my teeth.  I have a programmable thermostat to keep my house cool when I'm not home, and I do try to consolidate my chores into a single driving outing whenever possible. 

So, Earth Day.  Yes, it's a thing.  We all think we're doing wonderful good for our planet by turning the lights off for an hour and reading by the glow of our smartphone screens.  Realistically, we don't care.  We're not going to stop driving.  We're not going to live in the cold (or hot in the summer...hello air conditioning!).  We're not going to magically stop producing garbage.  And we're not going to stop visiting places we eat because they use foam plates.  We're going to watch tv and hear about all the good we're doing by turning off the lights while everyone else believes the environment doesn't care what we do to it.  It's a little sad...because it's the only planet we get. 

My Brain-Dead Morning

I remembered the detour this morning, but not that it didn’t start until next week

One step at a time, Jeremy.  

Well, I see this as an opportunity for growth...or something.   

Anyway, there's a joke back where I grew up that there are two seasons.  Winter, and Road Construction.  Turns out, this is also true here in the Greater Jeremy Area.  Now that the snow is gone from the roads, it's time to fix all the potholes (and by that, I mean just dump a bunch of asphalt in the holes and ignore the fact that it doesn't quite line up or make anything resembling a smooth driving surface) and replace the bridge on the only road that makes a reasonably direct path between my house and work.  

That's right, a 2.1 mile detour around the bridge because there's absolutely no easy way to get around it.  Not such a big deal, but taking that detour involves making a right turn at a place where I've been taking a left turn every day for a number of years.  Autopilot is going to kick in at some point, and I'm going to go the usual way toward the bridge and end up looking stupid as I turn around to take the detour.  I know this in advance.  I have made my peace with it.  

Fortunately for me, I remembered about it this morning, so I took the detour.  Hooray!  

Only problem is that the bridge won't be closed until next week.  It's not such a big deal that I ended up going 2 miles out of my way to get to work today.  I see it as practice for the start of the main event next monday.  If I get in the habit of taking the detour now, before I need to, there will be that much better a chance of remembering it once they actually do close the bridge.  At least that's what I'm telling myself. 

It Should Be Like A Shenanigan, Right?

I find it sad that you can’t be up to a single hijink 

That seems strange.  What if people aren't into that much trouble?

I don't know!  This is a problem, everybody.  Apparently, hijinks is one of those strange unquantifiable nouns that just happens to end in s.  There is no such thing as a hijink.  I sincerely doubt that's going to prevent me from using the word anyway.  I mean...after all...isn't that how the definition of "Literally" got changed to include "Figuratively"?  Enough people kept using the word incorrectly all the time, that the people who make dictionaries just got tired of telling people they were wrong and changed it.  I think we're staring at another great opportunity to accomplish the same thing, but for a much greater benefit to the world.  

And if you're not into that...Watch This Video of a baby elephant charging at a truck full of tourists.  It's exactly as adorable as you think it is.  

Happy Easter, everybody!