If Josh Towers were pitching, Casey hits a walk-off HR

In a bit of revisionist history, it turns out that Mighty Casey was batting against Roy Halladay. He never actually had a chance.


So today is basically opening day.


That's right. Even though there was a silly little 2-game set over in Japan last week, and the Washington Nationals opened their new park last night, today is the day that the rest of baseball catches up and starts their season.


So what's the deal with this Halladay character?


Roy Halladay is a pitcher for the Toronto Blue Jays, and widely regarded as one of the best pitchers in the game today. He's got one Cy Young award to his credit, and could easily contend for another this year.


And this Casey guy?


For those who have been living in a cave for the last 120 years, "Casey At The Bat" is the most widely recognized poem about baseball in history. First published in 1888 and written by Ernest Lawrence Thayer, the poem tells the story of the Mudville baseball team and their quest for victory, despite being a miserable bunch of players.


The poem doesn't say anything about the team being bad...


Well, here's the problem. We should assume that Casey, being the renowned heavy hitter on the Mudville roster, is batting clean-up, or 4th in the lineup. Normally, a good baseball manager will put his best hitter (at least as far as batting average is concerned) in the #3 hole, so that the odds of somebody being on base for the clean-up hitter are better. The #2 hitter is usually also a high batting average person, typically with good enough speed to run the bases effectively ahead of the #3 and 4 hitters.


And how does this apply to Mudville?


Well, as you can clearly see from the poem, Jimmy Blake is the #3 hitter, and he is described as "a cake", clearly implying that he is not a good hitter. Also the fact that the crowd started to leave before the "much despis-ed" Blake or Flynn bat shows how little faith the Mudville fans have in either of their abilities.

Add to that the fact that after Flynn's single, Blake "tore the cover off the ball" for a double. Any good #2 hitter (Flynn, in this case) should have easily been able to score from first on a hard-hit double, especially with 2 outs. As soon as Blake made contact, he should have been running with all he had. That didn't happen here, as there were runners on second and third after that double. Clearly, bad baserunning.


Okay, you've thought about this way too much.


Perhaps. But the fact remains, you have a free-swinging clean-up hitter prone to strikeouts (For those who have not read the poem, the previous line contains a spoiler, so don't read it.), a "lulu" with no baserunning skills as a #2 hitter, and a much despis-ed cake hitting 3rd (meaning you probably also have a bad manager for cobbling together a lineup like this), and you wind up with one bad baseball team. I hope they enjoy their time in the bus leagues, since none of them is ever going to make it to The Show.


The poem is also 120 years old. The players are dead.


There's also that. On another, lighter, baseball note, please enjoy the 1986 LA Dodger Baseball Boogie Bunch!

Chuck Norris is actually a distant third

Jet Li could totally whip Jackie Chan’s butt. Discuss.


I don't think the two are all that comparable.


That will soon be irrelevant, as Hollywood has finally listened to me.


They made a sequel to "Battlefield Earth"?


Uhm...no. I don't think anybody in the world short of John Travolta wants to see that.

What's more important is that Casey Silver productions has finally managed to fire two neurons in somebody's brain and cast Jet Li and Jackie Chan in the same film. It's been my idea for some time to have a 2-hour movie in which these two martial artists kick the crap out of each other the entire time.


In other words, it would be the real-life equivalent of the Family Guy Chicken Fights?


That's pretty much the size of it. So, with the April 18th release of The Forbidden Kingdom, I believe we're one step closer. However, I'm sure they'll mess it up with some sort of plot or characters or something.


What were they thinking?

Speaking of which...here's a hilariously tragic news clip about home improvement:



I...I don't even know how to respond to that.

An open letter to Mr. Lombardi

Once this season is over, can we please stop pretending that Brian Willsie has skills?


The true meaning of this hockey-related post is sure to be lost on Some Readers.


In that case....Story time!


I'll make popcorn.


You may remember a while back, I vowed not to go to bed during a hockey game again, no matter how late it was. While I've actually done a completely miserable job of keeping to that promise, last night's game was too good to pass up. The Kings were playing the Ducks in Anaheim, and rookie goaltenders Jonas Hiller and Erik Ersberg were putting on an absolute clinic, stopping some ludicrous number of shots between them, keeping the score 1-1 until very late in the third period. In the last 15 seconds of the game, Hiller makes an amazing stop on Kings winger Alex Frolov's clear cut breakaway to force overtime. Five minutes of OT solves nothing, and the teams went to a shootout.


Shootouts are usually pretty interesting and all....but how does Willsie fit into all this?


So, we go to the 6th round of the shootout, and the Kings still have players the likes of Lubomir Visnovsky, Mical Handzus, John Zeiler available to shoot. Anaheim scores on their 6th round shot, so the game is on the line as Coach Marc Crawford decides to send Brian "Skills" Willsie out to take LA's chance. You can Watch Video Here of Willsie's pathetic attempt at a deke before he tosses the puck directly into the goaltender, ending the game in a 2-1 Kings loss.


I suppose you could do better?


Not a chance. But I'm not getting paid a million dollars to be a Career -53 NHL player.

This season is lost for the Kings, and they're playing for the Stamkos Sweepstakes at this point, so I really don't mind them pulling a tank job like this. My concern now is for the future. A future with Mr. Stamkos and without Willsie. Let's work together to make this happen!

Every now and then, the Blag falls apart

Who wants to hear me sing the classic rock power ballad "Total Eclipse of the Heart" while simultaneously transforming the chorus into one focused on naughty limericks??


Honestly...I don't think I do.


Today's status comes to you once again courtesy of the whimsical webcomic, "Dinosaur Comics" and that lovable T-Rex. Specifically, This Strip which is part of a small series of antics regarding T-Rex rewriting song lyrics.


Utahraptor actually goaded him into this. Isn't HE really the main character?


No. T-Rex is the hero here.


So anyway...what else have you got for us today?


Well, perhaps you remember This Blag Entry from January in which I brought you the darker side of Hockey by showing a clip of a vicious brawl. Well, today, I'd like to also share the seedy underbelly of politics by presenting the following video of a meeting gone horribly awry. Please be warned, this video contains a graphic depiction of a brutal beatdown in a public setting and should not be viewed by anyone with a weak stomach.




Wow...I wouldn't think anyone could do that to another human being. She almost creased her newspaper.


I know! What is the world coming to? Discuss!

Comforting words

It is reassuringly hard to get stars to explode.


I hope for everyone's sake that you haven't tried recently.


I haven't, but other scientists have!


Do I need to invest in some SPF 5-Million?


Entirely doubtful. Today's message comes to you courtesy of Scientific American, and their article, Hot To Blow Up A Star. It's a pretty interesting article about how a Supernova is created, and the theories that have been presented in the past about how it can occur. Using computer simulations, people have been unable to truly explain or recreate the phenomenon...until now! Check it out!

Peanuty Hangover

Happy "Whine About Going to Work Because I Made Myself Sick Eating Too Many Peanut Butter Eggs Yesterday" Day!


How can you not eat too many of those things?


I wish I knew. Maybe the secret is to not be aware of their existence.


That's why you have a webpage. Have at it.


Ladies, Gentlemen, and People from Elmira. For those of you unawares, This Is The Reese's Peanut Butter Egg. Like a lot of great candy, these magical things appear around Easter time every year, commercializing yet another formerly spiritual holiday.

In this particular case, I'm not as offended, because they are roughly the candy equivalent of crack. Imagine if you will, a traditional Peanut Butter Cup, and now have it spend a good portion of it's life on Clemens Juice, pushing its Peanut Butter to Chocolate ratio to about 3x normal, and you get a Peanut Butter Egg.


Yep. They're pretty much the greatest thing ever invented.


And now, I have to wait a whole couple months before Reese's puts out the Halloween edition Peanut Butter Pumpkins. I would like every one of The Most Intelligent Readership In The World to write a letter to Hershey and request that they fill more holidays with Themed Peanut Butter Candies equal to the PB Egg. I suggest Peanut Butter Trees for Arbor Day, Globes for Earth Day, Stars for 4th of July, Pucks for the Stanley Cup Playoffs, and Boats for Battle Of Lake Erie Day. That way, we should be pretty much covered any time of year.


May not be the healthiest thing to do.


Really not concerned about that right now. I need a fix...


So, isn't it about time for some Hockey news?


Sure is! I'd like to take this opportunity to recognize Saint Norbert College of De Pere, Wisconsin for Winning the NCAA Div III National Championship this past weekend. There will always be a special place in my Blag for Division III hockey, since I followed it for my entire college career. I'd also like to send a special Thank You to the Plattsburgh Cardinals for defeating Elmira in the Semifinals. Well done, everybody!

You'll regret reading this

How did the basketball find his way to the hoop? He was tipped off.


That's...well that's just not even good.


Sorry...that's what you get when I'm making up jokes at 8AM.


We're going to get emails.


So we'll give the people what they want! Perhaps you read Jim's Comment on yesterday's blag about a basketball game that got Rick Rolled. Well, here's another real-life Rick Rolling. Enjoy!



Why exactly is Rick Rolling funny again?


Actually, I have no idea. So, I'd like to take this opportunity...


Nobody's reading anymore. They gave up on today's post long ago.


...to introduce to you another blog out there on the inter-tubez, since you obviously don't have enough to do. Please welcome back to the Blago-web Jeff, with his musings, I Am Trying to Steal the Sun. Good luck, Jeff!