Becaue There's Nothing Else To Eat In Buffalo?

I would so remarkably lose the Kale Eating Championship  

Very true.  Jeremy has zero training in competitive eating, although he does home some remarkable personal records in eating bags of cheese flavored popcorn or just about any flavor Doritoes.  

My personal aptitude for competitive eating notwithstanding, there is a far more important reason that I would not win a Kale Eating Championship.  

Kale sucks.  

I don't know who invented this affront to food, but I would like to find them and kick them square in the pants.  Imagine eating a bowl full of torn up fine-grit sandpaper.  You've now successfully visualized what it's like to eat kale.  You've probably heard that eating kale is very healthy for you, and that's true.  It's true because you expend a week's worth of calories chewing the crap you just put in your mouth before you're in any position to even try to swallow.  Of course, the flavor makes it all worth it, right?  Not as such.  The flavor of kale is somewhere in between your front lawn and the aforementioned sandpaper, without all of the landscaping benefits of eating your front lawn.  

Not long ago, the city of Buffalo, New York held "Kale Yeah," a competitive kale eating contest in which competitors actually wanted to eat kale.  They were given bowls of indeterminate size (indeterminate because I got sick of trying to find out how big they were) full of kale mixed with olive oil and spices.  They then had to consume as many bowls of this garbage as they could in the allotted indeterminate (see above) amount of time.  

The "winner" was a man by the name of Gideon "The Truth" Oji, the tenth ranked competitive eater in the world.  There is just so much wrong with that sentence, I can't believe I just typed it.  He made his way through 25 1/2 bowls of kale on his way to the championship.  His prize for winning?  $2000.  

Totally worth it.