Ask me about my Slinky
I will do no such thing. This sounds horrifying.
It's really not. It's just a whimsical story that I was reminded of recently. Also, it's your job to set up these stories for me.
Fine, fine. What's the deal with your Slinky? Also, when do I get a raise?
Well, strictly speaking, there's nothing all that noteworthy about my Slinky. It's your standard issue metal Slinky...not like those crappy plastic ones that don't work...real old-fashioned Slinky. But before I can tell you that story, I need to tell you this story:
I got ice cream.
I originally asked for a strawberry sundae with chocolate chip ice cream. Sounds delicious, right? Of course it does. The server goes to create my sundae and comes back a few moments later. She says that they don't have any chocolate chip ice cream, but she can give me vanilla ice cream and put chocolate chips on it, asking if that would be okay.
My brain completely shut down.
It's certainly a perfectly acceptable compromise (and one that I ultimately approved, by the way) but at the time it was proposed to me, I just couldn't deal with it. It just made no sense that I would have to be asked this question since that's all that chocolate chip ice cream is...ice cream with chocolate chips in it. It makes no difference if the chocolate chips are added at the factory, or at the ice cream stand. At the same time, I understand that this is not strictly speaking what I had asked for, so the server wanted to clarify with me that I would be amenable. Both of these thoughts were going through my head at the same moment, and I completely short-circuited...standing with a vacant look on my face for a second or two before mumbling something possibly resembling English with a head nod of affirmation. My ice cream was ultimately delightful, and I even left my change in the tip jar.
I had to then explain this story to the other folks I was with that day, and it reminded me of the Slinky story which is in the same vein, but far more amusing.
A while back, I decided that my office needed a Slinky. I have no idea why I decided this, but that's what needed to happen. As one is wont to do when in need of a Slinky, I went to the toy store in the local mall. After wandering the store aimlessly in search of Slinkies, I finally notice a small box of them directly next to the cash register. As in, the display was touching the cash register...could not fit a slinky in between the box of Slinkies and the physical box that is the cash register. This point is important. I walk up to the counter with arms 100% empty...I take a single Slinky from the display, move it no more than 9 inches to the side to place it on the counter for the cashier to ring it up. The cashier picked up the Slinky, scanned it using the bar code reader on the cash register, looked me square in the eye and said the most amazing thing I've ever heard come out of a human being. The cashier asked me, "Do you need any batteries?"
My brain completely shut down.
I spent time clarifying the location of the Slinky display to illustrate the point that my entire interaction with the cashier took place in the span of less than 12 inches, and involved a single motion of picking up a Slinky and placing it on the counter. I had nothing else in my hands, was making no other purchases in the store, and had shown no interest whatsoever in any item other than the Slinky. Why the cashier could have POSSIBLY thought I needed batteries to power a Slinky was a puzzle that my brain stumbled to piece together for, I am not making this up, a full five seconds.
I'm normally at least fairly quick-witted, and have fun and sarcastic things to say when I'm presented an opportunity, but not in this case. I completely forgot how to human right then as I contemplated the events that led to this question. I stood there, with my mouth agape and probably drooling a little as I tried to formulate the correct answer to a question this mind-boggling. Should I ask the cashier to check to the box to see what size battery the Slinky needed? Should I explain wave physics and how it applies to Slinkies? Should I ask why in the name of all things good and plenty I would need batteries for a Slinky? Should I simply ask if the cashier even knew what the Slinky was, and why the question they had just asked was so unfathomable? Or should I stand there for a full 5 seconds looking stupid, then mumble, "uhh....n...n...no?" before paying and walking out of the store, brain matter oozing from my ears?
I'll let you decide which ending actually happened.
On that note, Jeremy Is Is The Office will be Out Of The Office next week, returning on monday, August 8th with all new Instant Messenger goodness. See you all then!
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