Joke Friday. Is It A Thing?

Two film directors walk into a bar.  They exchange grips

Not quite on par with The Skeleton Joke, but along the same lines.  I approve.

Thank you.  While nothing quite stacks up to The Skeleton Joke, it's good to know that there is still room for new stuff of the same ilk.  

For those of you who don't get it...and there have been at least three so far today (*sigh*), the joke relies on the double meaning of the word "grip."  See, in addition to a handshake being a form of grip, a grip is also a member of a film production crew.  The grips, and they can be Key or Best Boy or a host of other titles, are responsible for....uhmm....something or other.  I'm sure it's important.   

It Wasn't My Thumb

No matter how much you honk at me, I am not going to purposely ram into the car in front of me

I guess that's very neighborly of you, Jeremy.  Thanks?

First of all, everyone reading, stop whatever you're doing and Watch This Video.  It's a kitten in a box full of ducklings, and it's even more adorable than you're thinking it could possibly be right now.   

Now...on to business.

So, not far from my house, there's a somewhat bizarrely designed intersection.  It's where a small road that has a mall exit meets the main road through my town.  It's also in a location where nearly everywhere I go involves me going through this intersection.  It's bizarrely designed because in the one direction (which is where I almost invariably find myself), there are three lanes.  Two of the lanes turn left onto the main road, and the third (right-most) lane is a combination straight/right turn lane.  The light itself has a right turn arrow which does little good if the first person in line is going straight.

This is a concept which is lost on morons the farther back in line they go.  

Not long ago, I sat at this intersection, second in line.  I had planned on turning right, so my turn signal was on.  For those readers living in Pennsylvania, that's the little blinking light on the car which tells other drivers which way you plan to go.  The person in front of me was apparently going straight, as evidenced by the lack of a turn signal and the fact that they didn't move once the right turn arrow came on.  I patiently waited for the light to cycle so that the person in front could proceed through the intersection and I could turn right. 

This is a concept which was lost on the moron behind me in line. 

I heard a short honk from a car horn.  I didn't think much of it because car horns honk for a number of reasons.  But when there was another, longer honk, I noticed that it had come from directly behind me.  When still I didn't move (after all, there was a stopped car directly in front of me), this idiot lady behind me laid on the car horn for a solid 3 seconds.  I proceeded to gesture as if to ask what this mentally deficient driver would like me to do, pointed out the car in front of me, and allowed her a detailed view of one of my fingers.  All of this, of course, was done inside the confines of my own car, because it was cold, and I didn't feel like sticking my head out the window to inquire about her strangely urgent need to get to SuperCuts.  (By the way, I'm not making that up...I was going to a nearby shopping plaza, and she coincidentally followed me the entire way there and walked into the barber shop) 

So, no, brain-dead lady behind me at the traffic light.  I will not be plowing my car into another one in front of me simply because you feel I'm not moving at the right time.  I hope you enjoy your haircut. 

I Will Brook No Aggression!

Anxiously awaiting retribution from The Toaster

Oh for the love of....Jeremy, you know better than this.  What did you do to cheese of the Toaster?  

In this case, nothing, but there was a related casualty.  

Allow me to explain.  

You all remember the Famed Toaster of Hades, right?  The high-volume commercial toaster in the Adorably Tiny Cafeteria Thing In My Building?  Well, it had a distant relative living in my house.  A cheesey old two-slice job that I probably bought at WalMart when I first moved to the area and needed a toaster.  As with all cheesey old appliances that you bought at WalMart, it had a life expectancy which ran out not all that long ago.  It was actually a little sad to watch it go.  It would go through the motions, allowing the lever to get pushed down, and would glow a feeble orangeish color for a while, with nowhere near the vim and verve it used to have.  The bread would get popped out with almost no hint of the fact that it had been a toaster, regardless of the setting you chose on the shade controller.  (That's the actual name for that thing...bet you didn't know that!)  When I had to put my bread in for a second go on the highest possible setting before it was even crispy, I knew a change had to be made.  

The old toaster met its end in a brief ceremony where I unplugged it and placed it gingerly in the bag that my new toaster (That I paid 80% of the value for, thanks to a large blue coupon you've probably seen in the mail) came in.  I now have a new toaster, and it works like a champ, toasting my bread to golden perfection in just one pass, somewhere just below 4 out of 6.  Why somebody decided that the toaster should go to 6 is beyond me, but then again, I'm An Engineer.  

Anyway, The Famed Toaster of Hades certainly has heard of my euthanizing its brethren, no matter how merciful and justified it may have been, and is equally certainly waiting for its opportunity for revenge.  I will remain diligent in my quest to enjoy breakfast.