Hope You're Sitting Down

So wait…Hello Kitty is not a cat?  The world is upside down!

I don't even know how to process this news.  Jeremy will probably end up in the fetal position crying before the day is over.  

It's true.  The iconic cartoon star Hello Kitty is not, in fact a cat.  

This truth came out recently in an LA Times Article about the star's 40th birthday.  That's another thing that should take you by surprise.  Hello Kitty turns 40 this year.  Hello Kitty is, in fact, a little girl who HAS a pet cat named Charmmy Kitty and also has an unhealthy obsession with apples.  Her official bio page lists her height and weight in terms of apples, in addition to apple pie being her favorite food.  

You may also be shocked to learn that Hello Kitty is British.  Sanrio, the company that licenses all of her stuff is certainly Japanese, but the character herself (named Kitty White...not even "Hello Kitty") is from London.  

My mind is just thoroughly blown right now.  I need to go lay down.

Nominations Are Overrated

Once again, snubbed by the Emmy voters

Me too.  Best supporting actor in a Blag wasn't even a category this year.  Can you believe that nonsense? 

The Emmy awards seem to be biased towards people who work in television.  This is awful.  

It's also awful that the Emmy awards exist in the first place, as another excuse for people to sit around and give themselves awards for a job well done.  As you may already know, I'm not a fan of awards shows, and as such, I didn't actually watch last night's Emmy awards.  So with that, I'm assuming I didn't win, because somebody would have called me or something, right?  

Either way, I can't really begrudge people for wanting to give themselves awards.  I'd vote to give myself an award if I could.

The Award for Outstanding Writing In A Comedy Blag About Sametime Status Messages goes to....

What I can rail on is some of the lunacy that gets these types of awards.  For example, in this year's Emmy awards, there were four separate categories for reality TV.  FOUR!  Three of them were for best reality series, but in an ever so slightly different genre.  Seriously..."Best Unstructured Reality Show" needs to be separated from "Best Structured Reality Show?"  Only two of the shows nominated were in any way informational, and Mythbusters didn't even win.  

In addition, no fewer than ten (10) nominees for Emmy awards went to...other awards shows.  So, they're actually giving out awards for shows  about giving out awards.  I'm not even kidding.  The Tony awards show got two Emmy awards!  All we need now is for the Grammy Awards to give out an award for best music in a TV show, and nominate the segment the Emmy awards did about the Tony awards.    Then they can make a movie out of that and get Oscar for the sweep!  It truly is that ridiculous. 

For Your Own Sake, Stop Reading Now

Did you hear about the frog’s car that got toad?  

I hate you Jeremy.  We all hate you. 

Thank you and have a good day.  I'll just see myself out now.   

Also, Empty Tissue Box

Dear Ragweed.  Go away.  Love, Jeremy

Would you say it's running you...wait for it...ragged?  

I would like to Call Bunk on the following:

That is the local allergy forecast for the Greater Jeremy Area.  My nose, eyes, and ever-decreasing household Claritin levels would completely disagree with your "Low" assessment of the ragweed.  

This is crap.   

This Happens Constantly

Disappointing that I have to specify which definition of the world “Literally” I’m using

Jeremy will now begin shaking his fist at "them darn kids" in addition to criticizing their grammar.  

So, there are these two words in the English language I'd like to talk about today.  Their meaning and proper usage used to be pretty cut and dry.  "Literally" and "Figuratively" existed as antonyms of each other, where one meant that something is precisely, to the letter, as described, and the other meant that an exaggeration or literary license was being taken.  Seems pretty simple, right?

Well, thanks to stupidity, people now say "Literally" very often when they are not, in fact, being literal about a description.  As in, "This happens literally 27 million times a nanosecond!"  As happens often in language, the dumbing down of usage of the words has literally caused the Oxford friggin' dictionary to Change The Definition Of Literally to include the figurative use of the word.  

This sucks.  

Basically, the only reason either of these two words exists is to distinguish themselves from the other.  When I say "Literally," I mean "not figuratively" and vice versa.  Now that one of the words means the other, there is no reason whatsoever for either to exist!  Why even bother with the word Literally now, since it can mean either literally, or not literally?  It's the Schrodinger's Cat of grammar.  

What's worse, is that now, when I use the word "literally" to mean "literally," I have to clarify that I'm using it in the literal sense, and that I don't mean "figuratively."  So now, I have to use more words to describe an adjective than I would have used otherwise by just using a single adjective.  Annoying. 

Jeremy Is Being Investigated In "Blaggate"

What would happen if a political scandal couldn’t be tied to water or a gate?

I don't think that will ever happen again.  Not in this age of media.  

You're probably right.  

So, today's Sametime Status deals with our fascination of naming every political "scandal" using the suffix "gate" or else making sure that "water" is in there somewhere.  The whole trend, of course, stems from the Watergate scandal of 1972.  Since then, pretty much every time some political party feels the need to disparage the other, they drum up a scandal, and the media grabs onto it and gives it a catchy name, usually with "gate" at the end.  It's riveting stuff.  

Here is a partial list of "-gate" scandals, for your edutainment:  Angolagate, Betsygate, Billygate, Bingogate, Bonusgate, Bridgegate, Brothelgate, Coingate, Coalgate, Corngate, Debategate, Fajitagate, Filegate, Garglegate, Gategate, Irangate, Iraqgate, Monicagate, Nkandlagate, Pardongate, Pastagate, Pastygate, Rinkagate, Squidgygate, Strippergate, Troopergate (Numbers 1-3), Weinergate (which works on multiple levels).

Some of those are funny, but the whole thing is a little sad.  I also can't imagine any controversy involving fajitas.  Everybody agrees they're delicious.  I can't be bothered to look up the story. 

Very fortunate, really, that the people involved in the Blackwater and Whitewater scandals already were called "Blackwater Security Consulting" and "Whitewater Development Corporation."  That made naming the scandals easy and form-fitting.  

But, we really should stop this.  We're not going to get more creative with developing our political scandals, in fact, it's only lamer now with stupid lawsuits flying in both directions and whatnot, so we may as well be a little more original with the names.  I don't think that's too much to ask. 

Brains, Not BRAAAAAAAINS

Owning a car with a proximity key is a critical part of any zombie survival plan

These are the things that go through Jeremy's head more often than not.  Please enjoy this stroll through the swirling miasma of...well..whatever this is.  

So, I've mentioned before how my car has a proximity key.  It's a wonderful invention that I will never be without again.  Gone are the days when you had to poke some little metal thingy into a hole in the side of your car door and turn some sort of internal mechanism that would unlock it.  Gone, even, are the days when you can push a button on a little remote control to unlock the door while you walk up to it.  Now, all you do is walk up to your car, push a button on the handle, and the car immediately recognizes that you have the key in your pocket and unlocks itself.  It's the next best thing to having a valet or concierge or majordomo open then door for you as you approach.  

I'm just kidding about that last sentence.  I would never leave such a menial task to my majordomo.  That's just silly talk.  

Not only has this invention changed my view on opening car doors in the traditional sense forever, but in an emergency situation, I can't think of a better way to do things.  Take, for example, the eventuality of a zombie apocalypse.  Recent popularity of things like The Walking Dead and World War Z have brought new life to people's preparedness for such an occasion.  Some people go nuts with the joke, and have underground bunkers with walls full of automatic weapons and years worth of food and water.  Others just decide in advance where they're going to go and who they're going to invite...things like that.  My plan is to commandeer the church on the hill near the airport.  It's perfect!  It's up on a hill with good sight lines for defense, it's next to a stream for water, near the small airport for evac, and a short distance from malls and shops for supply looting.  I also have a car with a proximity key!  

We've all seen the monster/killer/zombie movies where people fumble around in their pockets to get out their car keys while running, (usually falling, too), then their hands are shaking so bad that they can't get the key into the keyhole in the door.  The locking mechanism often jams, as seen in This Classic Scene, and once they get into the car, there's more key fumbling before inserting the key into the ignition, starting the car and driving away.  All of this nonsense is rendered obsolete with the proximity key.  You can just run to your car while focusing on running.  No hands in the pockets, no balance issues, just running and looking straight again.  You open the door with no problems, push the button, and the car starts.  You're peeling rubber before the poor sap next to you can even get their keys unstuck from the lining of their pants...and they're zombie food.  It's like the old saying goes...when running from zombies, you don't have to be the fastest, you just have to be faster than the slowest.  So every little bit helps. 

Also, Ebola

I may have to give up on looking at CNN to find comedy material for Sametime Statuses

Here's a brief look behind the scenes here at Jeremy Is In The Office.

So, when you write Sametime Statuses every day, you go through periods.  There are times which are far more prolific than others, days when you have stuff written down that doesn't feel right anymore, days where you had come up with something brilliant the night before and now can't remember, and days when you feel like you've written your last joke.  

On those days, inspiration comes from unexpected sources.  Sometimes, something funny will happen on the walk between the parking lot and my office.  Sometimes, I'll log into my computer and I'll have a funny email or a link to a funny video that somebody sent me.  And there are times when I've simply got nothing, and I surf over to one of the sites on the internets that displays a holiday for every day of the year and hope for the best, or I hit up the news sites to see what's going on in the world and hope I can make a joke out of that. 

Well, lately, the world sucks.  I pull up CNN and I see everybody hates every politician, people are rioting against the police, Robin Williams is dead, a kid got blown onto some railroad tracks, we're sending people back to war, a few countries in Europe are being total jerks to each other, and people named Kardashian are somehow still relevant.  As of this writing, you have to go past 17 story links on CNN.com until you hit a single piece of good news, and that's the fact that Pope Francis will be the first pope in 25 years to visit South Korea.  That's as good as it gets today.  This makes it difficult to turn the world into comedy. 

My message to you today is very simple.  SHAPE THE HECK UP, WORLD!  I've got people to entertain over here!  Geeze....

My Jawbone Hurts...

Extremely disappointed that there was no character named “Jabronius” in that movie

Jeremy mistakenly took the opportunity to see the movie "Hercules" recently.  While he may regret it now, it really is to your benefit as he presents his critique.  

So everybody knows about Hercules, the classic mythological hero who developed great strength by being the son of a God and by carrying a cow or something, then performed twelve labors.  Well, picture if you will, that following this, Hercules became the leader of a band of mercenaries, beating up bad guys and telling stories for money.  This is the premise of the new Hercules movie starring The Rock.  Ostensibly, the movie stars "Dwayne Johnson" but nobody knows who that is, so I'll just call him The Rock.  He's a professional wrestler, and this is important.  

So, our boy Rocky has tried to break into the world of acting with such drivel as "Doom," "Race to Witch Mountain," and "Tooth Fairy."  Outstanding stuff, to be sure.  So, here is the latest attempt, and it goes about as well as you've come to expect.  The story is formulaic and predictable (those of us who watched the movie made no fewer than 5 successful predictions about things that would happen), the characters are entirely one-dimensional, everything is colored yellow for some reason, and there is a violation of Jeremy's Big Rule #2 ("Never repeat a line of dialog for Poignant Effect.")  

So, at this point, we've firmly established that the film has no credibility anyway, a fact which is only magnified when The Rock body-slams a horse.  There's a major (and yes, predictable) heel turn, and the whole movie is about fighting, so it seemed only reasonable to me to add other elements of The Rock's wrestling career into the rest of the flotsam.  There was a bet as to whether or not Hercules would apply either the Rock Bottom or the People's Elbow to a villain (The Rock's signature finishing moves), and many jokes were made about whether or not people smelled what Hercules was cooking, and if the final bad guy would be played by Stone Cold Steve Austin.  While all of these would be amusing references to pro wrestling, they would be admittedly blatant and tasteless for somebody genuinely trying to make a go of serious acting.  But, I was truly saddened by the fact that a random character in the film was not named "Jabronius."  

See, The Rock would often refer to people as "Jabroni," as an insult, and extension of the common wrestling term "jobber."  It would be a subtle enough reference that would escape all but the most ardent fans of The Rock's wrestling work (although, that's really the only people that have ever gone to see his acting work) but not disrupt from the film itself.  Of course, since the film was so bad on its own, it didn't really need much help from the actors' catch phrases seeping in.  

This has been another edition of Jeremy Is In The Theatre. 

C-A-T Smart

More offended than I probably should be by use of the word “Heighth”  

I'm offended by your use of the word "word." 

There really was no good way to syntax that.  I didn't want two consecutive words with quotation marks, especially with two different uses of quotation marks.  That would be awful. 

And now you're using "syntax" as a verb?  We're going to get emails...

So anyway, I believe it's very important for people who make a living via written or spoken word to be familiar with the language they are speaking.  It doesn't seem like that much of a stretch, but apparently, it's a difficult concept to grasp.  I also realize that I am a genius, and so my standards may be unreasonably high at times.  I don't believe this specific time falls under that umbrella, though.  

You're probably aware by now that I often listen to audio books while driving.  It's a hobby of mine, and it lets me catch up on my reading that would otherwise make me fall asleep.  It's also regrettably kept me current with certain pop culture phenomena which have become major motion picture series.  

This is a family Blag, Jeremy!  

I meant the Divergent series, you imbecile.  

Anyway, I came across a series of shortish novels by a well-known fantasy writer I was made aware of recently.  I liked the other thing he wrote that I "read" and so I thought I'd give this series a chance.  It's pretty entertaining, but I have a problem with the audio books' narrator.  His English is terrible.  I've noticed him mispronounce scientific words (he pronounced "gigabyte" like Christopher Lloyd pronounced "gigawatt" in Back To The Future), pulled the X for T swap to pronounce "ex cetera," and perhaps most egregious of all, he's now used the word "heighth" three times in under two books.  

Yes...I get it that Length and Width end in "th."  That they are extensions of the words "long" and "wide" and thus need to be modified.  But modifying "High" is done by simply adding the "T".  Height is its own word.  It has its own good thing going and never has the "H" at the end muddling things up.  So while your compulsive self may feel the need to have three dimensional description words all ending the same, your actually English-speaking self needs to understand that we have Length, Width, and Height. 

I'm Thinking Of A Number Between One And Ten

Fortune Cookie: “Someone can read your mind.”  Poignant or creepy?  You decide!

Would be slightly more creepy if it said, "Someone else can read this fortune."  Your head would turn around so fast...

Yeah...fortunately that didn't happen here.  

So, I get lunch from the Chinese restaurant across the street once in a while.  Like many Chinese restaurants other than ones in China, they usually give me a fortune cookie with my food.  It's a tasty little crispy dessert.  It also contains garbage.  

Fortune cookies, if you'll pardon the expression, have gotten a little stale lately, with very few of them actually containing a fortune.  They used to be profound little phrases like "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," or "Tae Kwon Leap is not a path toward a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon."  It seems like they've run out of clever things like this, so more often I see crappy fortunes like, "Life is full of decisions, like white or brown rice," and "Your health is important.  Eat your vegetables."  These are real, by the way.  There have also been awful self-serving ones such as "Enjoy your meal?  Get one to go, too!"  

Well, recently, I got a pretty terrible one.  It said, "Someone can read your mind."  

At first, I wanted to know who this person was.  If they can read my mind, are they a truly gifted psychic, or do they have this connection only to me?  If they can read anybody's mind, we're going to Vegas for a little poker.  If they're only able to read my mind, they're in for a pretty dull time, as they learn just how often I think about tacos.  (Hint:  ALL THE TIMES!)  Then I thought about how this cookie knows this person, and what the odds were that of all the fortunes the cookie company put in cookies, that this one ended up with me.  It got a little disconcerting, if I'm being honest...but apparently, one person already knew about that.  

So, if you're the person out there who can read my mind, please let me know.  It's a little creepy knowing you're out there just using this power for your own purposes. 

Buy More Foil

With all this talk of Ebola, people seem to have forgotten about the ever-present threat of Bird Flu

It is very important in times like this not to lose focus on what's really important.  In this case, remaining vigilant in the face of the truly deadly heath threat, Bird Flu.  

So, if there's one silver lining to come from all this talk of Ebola recently, it seems that we've stumbled upon another piece to another government conspiracy.  

So, everyone knows about Obama's Plastic Coffins.  They're a billion dollars worth of plastic boxes being stored in a government field in Georgia anticipating the outbreak of a chemical attack.  (You have to ignore the government's lies that the pictures have been around since the late 1990s, the coffin liners are simply being stored by the manufacturer in remarkably lower numbers than are reported on conservative blog sites, and the boxes aren't even owned by the government.)  While we all know what the true reason behind all of these coffins, it was never quite understood what chemical attack the government was planning.  

As it turns out, we may now know the answer.  

So, while people all over the world are contracting the deadly Ebola virus, so far, only two Americans have contracted the disease.  Mysteriously enough, the government already seemed to have some sort of "mystery vaccine" to cure these people.  So, obviously, the answer is that the government has been working for years to weaponize Ebola for use in a chemical attack on Americans.  They'd be able to vaccinate or cure the people they wanted to keep, and put the rest of us in Obama's plastic coffins.  It's the only logical explanation.  Wake up, sheeple, before it's too late! 

Think Again!

I’ve had a whole week off to come up with today’s Sametime Status.  You’d think I would have thought of something better

I'm pretty sure we've come to not expect great things here.  Pretty much crap, actually.  

So there's a lot happening in the world lately, and very little of it makes for jaunty Sametime Statuses.  Factor in that I've been on vacation for a little while and not actually having to think about anything more substantial than what I'm going to have for dinner or what golf club I should use to somehow manage to not put every frickin ball over the green.  You get junk for today's Sametime Status.   

As it turns out, it works pretty well as a Status, though.  People know I'm back from vacation, and they've saved up lots and lots of work for me over the past week, so I'm a very popular guy today.  No doubt some of them have been looking forward to whatever pithy little message I would have for them today, and they get trolled instead.  I'm amused by this, and after all...isn't that what's important here?  

Either way...I mentioned how popular and busy I am today, so maybe I should get back to that, huh?  More comedy tomorrow!  

Or possibly the next day...or not.  Jeremy's a crapshoot, really.