My Idea, I Get To Judge

Congressional rules of order need to be replaced with the rules of “The Gong Show”


Oh come on, Jeremy.  Two consecutive days of political rants?


First of all, it's the most important thing happening today.  Second of all, Friday and monday are not consecutive days, and third...instead of a rant, I'll assume everyone knows what's going on in politics and just submit my newest Genius Idea for your perusal.


I'll accept your compromise.


See, congress?  It's not that frickin' hard!  Morons.

Anyway...rules of order are important and necessary to ensure civility in certain proceedings.  They make sure that people get appropriate chances to speak and be heard, make clear what proposals are being voted on and who's responsible for them.  Rules of Order make sure that everything that is happening in a particular meeting is fair and above board.  I'm not entirely sure what rules the US Congress uses to maintain order, if I had to guess, I would say they use "Robert's Rules of Order" since those seem to be the gold standard, but regardless...they leave some loopholes.  

When things like Ted Cruz's recitation of "Green Eggs and Ham" are allowed to occur while I'm paying for it, there is room for improvement.  I don't think there needs to be a drastic overhaul of the proceedings, but one minor adjustment should solve all of our issues.  A Gong! 

Situated up in the balcony where everyone can see it, a large gong with a series of three judges (one Democrat, one Republican, and one independent, until a viable third party emerges) sit by to monitor the meeting.  When a speaker goes too far off track, starts reading from children's books, make a blatantly inaccurate statement of fact, or engages in party-line rhetoric without supporting substance, one of the panel members may sound the gong, and the speaker's floor time is immediately revoked.  The following speaker must then be from the opposite political party.  

I don't see how this wouldn't make things tremendously better.

It's very much like having a real-time third-party arbiter to the proceedings.  Pointless partisan diatribes will be a thing of the past.  Nonsensical rhetoric will be not only frowned upon by the constituents and reprimanded by the media, but it will cost an entire political party a kick at whatever can is being debated at any given time.  It will no longer be in anyone's best interests to spread falsehoods and hyperbole on the floor of Congress.  They will be on constant guard to ensure that they are spending the people's time and the people's tax money actually accomplishing the people's business.  On top of that, it would make the meetings so much more entertaining to watch, the entire gallery of visitors waiting with anxious anticipation for somebody to slip up and get Gonged.  Cheers will erupt through the halls of the chamber when it happens.  Public shaming and sound policy.  What more could we possibly ask for from our elected officials? 

Elected Representative Of Rhetorical Friday

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavors, but dishwashing detergent is made with real lemon juice?

Oh for crying out loud...Rhetorical Friday?  

Certainly appears that way, doesn't it?

You haven't had one of these in a while...I thought we were mercifully done with this nonsense.

Well, thankfully, we're not!  

So here we are, on another terrific edition of Rhetorical Friday.  It seems appropriate this week given the upcoming government shutdown over non-stop political rhetoric.  At issue this time, as opposed to the last four or five times, is the Affordable Care Act (hatefully dubbed "Obamacare" by people opposed to the bill) which is apparently costing jobs and destroying the economy despite not actually coming into law until 2014.  Since none of the arguments involved in this debate involve any actual information or, God forbid, better ideas for public health policy, we'll just go back to our wheelhouse of spreading partisan rhetoric and fear.  Yippee!  

The best news of all is that regardless of how this latest political spat ends, there will be another one in just two short weeks!  It's an exciting time we live in, folks.  Enjoy it while you can!  

I Bet It Had A Name

What kind of horse was originally used to measure horsepower?  

I'm afraid to answer.  This is either a trivia question that I don't know the answer to, or a joke that I probably don't want the punchline to.  

Actually, it's neither.  I'm quite legitimately asking that question.  I'd like to know.   

So, it's pretty common knowledge that one horsepower is a unit of work equivalent to 746 watts.  Everyone also knows that the unit "Horsepower" was originally termed by James Watt himself.  At the time, I'm sure he was comparing the work something did to a horse, but that's somewhat a bogus unit of measure.  Every horse is different, and even a single horse's work output can change easily with any number of factors.  Has the horse been fed properly?  Has the horse been working all day?  Is the horse in a good mood?  Can the horse get a proper grip on the ground?  Is the horse's farrier competent?  (Look it up)  All of these things and more will greatly influence the amount of work a horse can perform.  So it seems a little wrong to have a basic unit of scientific measurement be based on this.  

Of course, now the concept of Horsepower has been refined, and it truly is a standard unit of measurement.   The whole 746 watts thing.  I'm just curious what type of horse under what conditions is equal to 746 watts.  Anyone know? 

They Lost The Game

So, who do you think got paid more to play one baseball game yesterday?  Metallica, or the entire New York Yankees roster?

You can't just let him have his moment, can you?

Well, Rivera can have his moment, but then I get mine, too.  That seems fair.  

Anyway, for those who were unaware, yesterday's game at Yankee Stadium was the final regular season home game for Yankees closer Mariano Rivera.  Most likely his final home game period, but the team is not mathematically eliminated from the playoffs yet...though V-Y day is not far away.  Prior to the game, they had a whole ceremony where people walked onto the field and handed him symbolic presents and retired his number and whatnot.  All pretty standard stuff, and credit where credit is due...deserving of Rivera's career.  

What was fairly unique to the day was the remarkably brief rock concert in the middle of the ceremony.  See, from fairly early in his career as a closer, Rivera would enter the home stadium from the bullpen to the sound of Metallica's "Enter Sandman" playing over the stadium loudspeakers.  So, for this final home game, Metallica themselves were provided a stage in center field and performed the song live while Rivera made his way to the field.  It was explained by the emcee of the ceremony that not only was this song symbolic of Rivera, but the fact that Rivera used it as his entrance theme is basically what made the song popular.  I'm not making that up.  Sure, the single itself has a platinum certification, and the album it's on has sold 22 million copies...but the New York Yankees are to thank for that.  (This sort of self-appointed superiority complex is part of why I hate the New York Yankees so much, but I digress.)  

Anyway, this whole episode got me to thinking...how much did they have to pay Metallica to show up in New York, disrupting whatever their tour schedule was, pop into center field, perform one song, then leave so a baseball game could be played?  The answer almost assuredly ends with the word "million," so I'm looking for a comparison point.  For that, we turn to the New York Yankees themselves.  The (by far) highest priced team in Major League Baseball, rings up a total of nearly $229 Million for the 2013 season.  Divide that by the 162 games in the schedule, and you end up with the team paying the players just over 1.4 Million dollars to play one single baseball game.  And they're not even going to make the playoffs.  And they have three players whose 2013 salary is more than the entire Houson Astros roster.  And they're not even going to make the playoffs.  

Anyway...while I'm certain that this was, minute-for-minute, the most lucrative concert in Metallica's career, I'm just a little curious who got paid more for that game.  

Incidentally, I've never liked the song "Enter Sandman," regardless of the Yankees.  Over the course of researching this Blag entry, I've come to find out that I can't even blame Metallica for it.  As it turns out, the song was lifted from a group called "Excel" who released it two years earlier..as a song called "Tapping Into The Emotional Void"  Thanks, Excel. 

Once Again...Genius

For sports broadcasts, the Play-by-Play Announcer and the Color Commentator should be from opposite teams

Here you go again with all of your...wait...this actually sounds like a really good idea.  

For those of you who are unaware, sporting broadcasts are usually done by two people, one known as the "Play-by-Play" announcer, and the other the "Color Commentator."  I legitimately had to explain this concept once to a guy who got offended and thought I was racist for my use of the term "Color Commentator."  

In today's sports broadcasting world, all games for every sport ever are shown on TV somewhere.  For the major sports, each team will usually bring its entire broadcasting crew for every game, home and away.  While this leads to a feeling of familiarity with certain voices and people sharing your game with you, it can lead to some bias.  

Announcers who blatantly support the home team rather than even attempting to show neutrality during the broadcast are known as "Homers."  Some of the worst offenders (Though this is by no means a complete list) are Ken "Hawk" Harrelson, he of the "You gotta be bleepin' me." when the White Sox (Who he often refers to as "Us" or "We") commit a game-tying error on the games final out, Jack Edwards who compared a Boston Bruins win to The Revolutionary War, and Pittsburgh Penguins announcer Paul "Steggy" Steigerwald, for whom the rest of the NHL doesn't belong on the same sheet of ice as anyone on the Penguins.   Another common technique is that used by Michael Kay of the New York Yankees, in which he finds a fault with anyone on the opposing team, such as an imperfection in their batting stance, or their pitch location, or something along those lines, then spends the next 5 minutes of the broadcast explaining how the equivalent Yankee can do it better, and for only 5x the salary.   

Homers suck.  Even if you support the same team that they so obviously do, they can make a game almost entirely unwatchable due to the bias in what they have to say about the game.  Fortunately, I have a solution!

Now that every game is broadcast by both cities' home stations, and all of the teams' representative commentators are present, simply split them up.  For a purely hypothetical game between Peoria and Kalamazoo, have the Kalamazoo Play by Play announcer call the game with color commentary from Peoria's voice and show that on the Kalamazoo stations.  Peoria viewers can watch Peoria's PbP with Kalamzoo's Color.  

Broadcast bias may not be a thing of the past, but at least we can have a little fun with it.  Any blatant homerism can be immediately called out and/or counteracted by the other announcer showing the other side of the coin.  Imagine one announcer complaining about a call that went one team's way, and instead of having the leeway to go on about it, have somebody else there arguing the other side.  There can be fights on the field/ice and in the broadcast booth.  People can call each other names and point out their obvious homer tendencies in real time.  I don't see how this can do anything other than increase the level of excitement of a sporting broadcast.  Get on that, TV! 

Johnny Depp Is Loving Life Today

Yarr, matey!  Methinks “Surprise Forte” be a good name for a band


Avast, ye scurvy sea dogs.  Jeremy be celebratin' Talk Like A Pirate Day while discussin' something what's got nothin' to do with piracy.  It be a right strange juxtaposition.  Yarr...even pirates be usin' the word juxtaposition.  


So, as ye may know, I be a bit of a musician in some of me spare time.  It be a most relaxin' thing for be to be doin'.  

I'm going to stop the whole pirate thing now...it's a little difficult to write and talk like a pirate at the same time, and you get the idea.  

Anyway, while discussing a particular piece of music not long ago, there is a part where everything is quiet and then very suddenly, everything gets very loud.  The technical musical term for this is sforzando, which basically means, "suddenly loud."  The way it was described at the time was "Surprise Forte," with "Forte" being the musical term for loud.  This description sounded very amusing at the time, and it was decided that a good name for a band would be "Surprise Forte."  It's classy, musical, and brash all at the same time.  So, if my other spectacular band names such as "Cow Vibrato" and "The Dave Phlegm Project" don't work out (Just for the record, these really are actual band names that have been discussed at various points in my life), at least I'll have "Surprise Forte" to land on.

Enjoy the rest of Talk Like A Pirate Day, mateys!  

With Great Lawn Comes Great Responsibility

Kudos and apologies to the spider (I’ve named him Peter) who strung a web halfway across my back yard

Well, there's just a lot going on in today's Sametime Status.  Way to go for quantity over quality.  

I always go for quality.

And you usually fail miserably, but we accept you for that.

So anyway, not long ago, it was time once again to mow the lawn.  Exciting times in Jeremy Land, I know...but there you are.  I got about halfway through when, in the middle of one path across the back yard, the light came across just right that I saw a spider web.  There was one strand from the web that crossed from a small tree down at an angle to the grass.  Nothing especially noteworthy until you take into account the distance crossed by this particular strand of spider silk.  This thing was well over 20 feet long, which is fairly long by my standards, but I would think it would be incredible by spider standards.  I don't know exactly what is involved in a spider making its web, but for this particular spider's sake, I hope it was comfortable, because this single strand must have taken a considerable amount of time.  It's also noteworthy in that the strand simply went down into the grass...there was nothing else that it attached to.  Just went from the tree at a roughly 45 degree angle to the middle of the lawn 20 feet away.  I was impressed.  

Then I ran it over with the lawnmower.

Impressive strands of spider web aside, I had a lawn that needed mowing, and this little thing wasn't going to stop my mower.  It's one of those self-powered walk-behind jobs...plenty of horsepower to take out a spider web.  

So in the end, I got my lawn mowed, and hopefully my little spider friend got to eat a couple insects before his guy line ended up on the business end of a spinning blade.  I named him Peter, of course, after Peter Parker...the secret identity of Spiderman.  It seemed like the right thing to do.

He Was Luke's Father?!!?!??

I need to watch a more predictable movie or TV show.  I feel like I’m losing my touch

Poor Jeremy didn't see the ending coming on a recent movie he watched.  It's really quite heart breaking or something.  

It's common knowledge that I'm a genius.

For certain values of "Genius."

One of the areas in which I excel and take a lot of pride in is the ability to not be surprised by twist endings.  I spent enough time in film classes and with film students and in movie theaters to know a little bit about how movies are written and made.  This can be a mighty hindrance in my ability to just enjoy a film, but it can also be very helpful.  One of my favorite movie-watching experiences (Not to be confused with one of my favorite movies, mind you) was watching the film "Hancock" starring Will Smith and others.  Very early on in the film, a character was shown on the screen for no more than 10 seconds when I turned to one of the people I was with and explained what the big twist ending involving that character was going to be.  To some, it was a mere character introduction, but to me, it was a film term called "mise en scene" which foreshadowed coming events with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the groin.  Needless to say, about an hour later, I was proven entirely correct, when the exact plot twist I described actually occurred.  It was a partly a shining moment for me, and partly a realization that I didn't just watch movies anymore.  To this day, I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that.  

All that said, recently, I've found myself struggling.  It's a well-known fact that good television is hard to come by these days, and it's very quickly getting harder.  Good shows are ending at an alarming rate.  The Office ended in the spring (Though you could argue that it hadn't been a really good show in 2 or 3 years, and I'd have to admit that you had a point), Dexter's final episode is 6 days away, We just Met The Mother, so we get one more season of that show before it wraps up, Michael Weston got Burned for the last time last week, Chuck wrapped up a couple seasons ago, Breaking Bad will be breaking hearts in two weeks when we say a final goodbye to Heisenberg, Psych can't have much more left in the tank, same for Shameless.  In almost all of these shows, there have been fairly major plot twists recently...and I can safely say that I saw precisely zero of them coming.  Well...can make one exception for one of the multitude of twists in Dexter, but that's hardly worth mentioning.  

I thought I could end my losing streak by watching a movie.  What's more predictable than a Hollywood star-laden blockbuster?  Well...forget that idea, as the twist ending of "Now You See Me" caught me completely off guard.  What the crap?!

I have a hard time believing that writers have gotten this much better at this stuff lately, but that would lead to the inevitable conclusion that I'm slipping.  I don't want to believe that, so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place right here.  I need to watch something that will be a little more predictable just to break out of my slump.  Has M Night Shayamalan done anything new recently? 

I Can't Believe It Took Me This Long

I believe Halloween is responsible for every holiday season shifting earlier into the year

Halloween?  It's not even that much of a holiday, unless you're a college-aged girl with questionable morals.  I don't see how this could be the ringleader of holiday-based consumerism.

It seems innocuous enough, doesn't it?  But when you think about the rampant productization that goes along with just about every holiday now, the truth is hard to deny.  We see the "Holiday Seasons" all around us.  It happens, and it annoys most of us.  The "Seasons" get earlier every year.  Valentines day crap starts up on January 2nd, Feb 15th brings Easter, followed immediately by 4th of July preparations.  On July 5th, we get the onslaught of Back to School and Labor Day stuff so that September can be reserved for the Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas trifecta.  Seriously...it's September 16th, and I've seen displays of Christmas decorations in more than one store already.  That's not funny.  

So, when you consider why all of these holidays exist in the first place, (That being so people will buy stuff...the historical and religious aspects of holidays being long forgotten) really the only holiday that stands to make more of a profit by arriving earlier is Halloween.  Christmas is the biggest consumerist holiday right now, and there is always a push to buy bigger and more extravagant gifts every year (Lexus, anyone?).  But, if you're going to buy Christmas gifts for people, it doesn't much matter when you buy them.  If you get your shopping done early, you have your gifts, and you're probably content with that...if not downright elated that you can avoid the late-season rush to the malls.  Nobody finishes their shopping early, gets bored and rich, and decides they need to go out shopping some more in the middle of winter.  

Same thing goes with the other blatantly consumerist holidays.  There are only so many Valentine's Day candies and jewellery pieces you can buy in one year, only so many hamburgers and fireworks for 4th of July, only so many turkeys you need for Thanksgiving.  So it doesn't matter at all when the "Holiday Season" starts, the amount of crap you buy for it remains the same.  Except for one.

Again, it's mid-September, and while Christmas is just making its way into stores, Halloween items have been taking up shelf space for about a month now.  Halloween isn't for another month and a half.  What is Halloween stuff?  Sure, there's some space devoted to cheap plastic kids' costumes and the occasional paper decoration...but 83% of the supply needed for Halloween consists of one thing...candy.  So why should stores sell Halloween candy early?  Because you'll eat it all long before October 31st arrives, and then you'll have to go out and buy more.  This is the only holiday where this happens.  You don't eat your Thanksgiving turkey at the end of October and have to run out and buy another Mid-November.  You don't shoot off your fireworks in June, or open your Christmas presents the day after Thanksgiving.  The only holiday that exhausts its supply of preparations early is Halloween.  Therefore, I have little choice but to conclude that Halloween is responsible for shifting all of the holidays dramatically forward on the calendar.  So, when you start hearing Jingle Bells in the next couple of weeks, you can thank all the ghosts and pumpkins for that.

Happy Holidays! 

Go Get Your Shinebox

Imagine all of your favorite movie gangster lines spoken by Elmer Fudd.  You are welcome

I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse...hehehehehehehe.

You're right.  That is kinda fun. 

So this whole thing came about during a lunchtime conversation with an anonymous coworker.  He decided to repeat some line from The Godfather or something, and do it with an accent.  Nobody was entirely sure what he was actually trying to pull off, but he ended up doing a fairly decent Elmer Fudd impression.  As you might imagine, this devolved.  

From then on, I just started thinking of all the famous gangster/tough guy movie lines I could think of as if they were spoken by Elmer Fudd.  The results were highly entertaining for me....though, of course, your mileage may vary. 

Some noteworthy examples:

"Go ahead.  Make my day."

"Are you talkin' to me?"

"I'll be back" (This one isn't much of a reach.  Arnold already sounds a lot like Elmer Fudd)

"Leave the gun.  Take the Canoli."

"Do you feel lucky?  Well?  Do you, punk?"

Nobody Came After Me With A Sword

Suddenly, my front yard becomes A Dance With Dragonflies

You refer, of course, to A Song of Ice and Fire, the popular book series turned HBO show.  The fifth book of that series is called "A Dance With Dragons."  

Well, sure.  I'm also referring to the fact that my front yard became completely overrun with dragonflies recently.  I don't know why this is, but it was pretty cool to watch.  I don't think I've seen as many dragonflies in my life as I did in one afternoon looking out my front window.  It was quite the sight.  

But...but...Game of Thrones.

What I know about the books and show will be very brief to tell.  There are lots and lots of people.  Most of them hate each other, but I don't know why.  They fight over control of some kingdom where Winter is apparently coming, but we don't know when or why that's a big deal.  They kill each other with shocking frequency, and then dragons happen.  Much beyond that, I've got nothing.  Perhaps somebody with more familiarity with the books or show can provide a slightly better comparison between them and the dragonflies in my front yard.  As for me, all I know is that there were a crapload of dragonflies in my front yard.  

It Would Make More Sense If He Was An Autobot...Because...You Know...Car

Not sure if that was a cop with a sense of humor, or if the police have been taken over by the Decepticons

Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize, but there will be no Blag entry today, as apparently Jeremy has been incarcerated.  We'll work on setting up a paypal account so you can donate bail money.

Wait, what?

Oh...you're not in jail?  I just thought that with the police themed Sametime Status and all...

No, I'm not in jail.  I just saw something interesting not all that long ago.  I was driving along, minding my own business, and I see that there is a police car up ahead.  They're usually at least fairly easy to spot, what with the multiple antennas, spot light on the mirror, and light bars on top.  Also, the fact that it said "POLICE" across the trunk probably helped out a little bit as well.

Either way, as I pulled up behind the nice officer at a red light, I noticed something a little amiss among the lettering and decals on the back of the car.  Sure, there were the standard lights, and make and model of the car, and "POLICE" written in decal...but off to the right side, there was a Decepticon Logo.  Being a nerd, I recognized it instantly, as you might expect.  

This got me to wondering how exactly a Decepticon logo ended up on the back of a police car.  There really are only a handful of possible explanations.  First, the officer in the car has a whimsical sense of humor and thought it would be amusing to stick a Decepticon logo on the back of his cruiser.  There is always about a 2% chance that the police car is an actual Decepticon, at which point, the world has been invaded by alien automatons, and we're all well and truly screwed unless Optimus Prime shows up.  The remainder of the probability is that somebody had a Decepticon decal and stuck it on the back of the first unguarded police car they found, and the nice officer either hasn't seen it yet, or doesn't care.  I like to think that he knows it's there and thinks it's funny.  

Another Post About Snot

When the cat’s away, you don’t have as many problems with allergies

I didn't know you had a cat.  

Well, that's at least partially because I don't have a cat.

I'm losing interest in your story.

So today's Sametime Status is a play on the phrase "When the cat's away, the mice will play," which is a fairly common phrase, and one that I've heard here at work on more than one occasion.  The implication being that we're such awful workers that without micromanagement guidance, we would be either unable or unwilling to do our jobs.  

I'm pretty sure this isn't true.

Regardless, when the cat is away, I don't have any issues with sneezing or itchy eyes, which is my standard response to cat presence.  I like cats, don't get me wrong.  I think they're endlessly entertaining (ask me sometime about the cat that fell flat on its face while trying to play Feather On A Stick with me), and I usually find them adorable.  I'm just allergic to them.  

I Told You This Was Going To Happen

It’s Password Day!  My email password is no longer P1x13Du$t

Oh man...that was going to be my next guess in a brute force attempt to hack into your email account.  I'm interested in all of those meeting notices you get.

Sorry, but you won't be hacking into my email.  Of course, it's at this point in Password Day that I always feel the need to point out that neither this, nor any of my Password Day posts were ever used as my email password.  In this particular case, I'm not even sure if I could, what with the gratuitous use of a non-alphanumeric character.  It may or may not be allowed...which is something I feel comfortable saying without compromising my company's email security.  You see...adding symbols like a dollar sign and such would add about 20 or so characters to an available list of 36.  

Sure, on the surface, it seems like a big difference, but let's do the math!  If you assume I use an 8-character password (not necessarily a valid assumption, but most password systems everywhere these days require at least 8 characters, so we'll go with this as a minimum), you end up with somewhere in the neighborhood of 2,800,000,000,000 possible passwords.  Allowing non-alphanumeric characters pushes that number to a little under 97,000,000,000,000.  See, once you get that many zeros in the picture (We're talking about Trillions, here...12 zeros), the difference between 2 and 97 flattens out a little bit. 

Only 438 Emails!

Now to see if I remember how all of this stuff works

Well, you remembered how to log into the Blag to type stuff, so I guess that's a step in the right direction.  Welcome back, Jeremy!

Thank you!  So at long last, all that vacation stuff is over with, so I can get back to working.  What an exciting time it is for everyone...or something.

What this really boils down to is the fact that all my passwords had expired (Sneak Peek:  Tomorrow will be a reader-favorite, "Password Day"post!), my email was backed way the heck up, I have some projects that are a little behind now, and not everybody is back to work yet.  Needless to say, productivity is far from a stand-still, but not back up to 100% just yet.  

That said, I was basically away from the office for about 2 1/2 weeks...

Isn't that a Kim Basinger movie? 

Different number of weeks.

Sorry.  Please continue.

...so now I get back to figuring out what's changed over the time I've been gone and how to work with all of the systems again that take time to get used to.   I would say that fortunately, I have plenty of time to get caught up...but that would only work if I wasn't busy.  Oh well...back to work.